Marina Abramović: The Artist Is Present (2012)

I'm like one of those pseudo-intellectual types. Like, super pedantic and sure of myself but only ever really having like 10% of the information. I'm obsessed more with ideas than I am with, like, the actual works and writings and shit that fall under these ideas, you know? I'm all about the surface - and that's it. Just very fake as fuck. (Wait - am I fake or faux-intellectual? Both? It's the same, dummy.) So it makes sense I'm super into ART. But not really. Like, I don't care about your little paintings or installations or whatever. I'm not thinking about what they ~mean~. I'm more interested in whoever the freak is behind the work. Like, what do they eat for breakfast? Who'd make some weird ass shit like this - a nigga into Cap'n Crunch (Cap'n, my dude??) or a cooncow into Apple Jacks? Or am I about to be really surprised and find someone else who super-seriously loves the forever-ignored, quasi-elusive Golden Puffs??

(Is that a kangaroo? Why, tho? Why is it blue? And why is the joey not?? See, this is why you can't be great, Golden Puffs)

Parker Ito, do you love Golden Puffs????

Let's be honest, it looks like you sip that gelly water stuff in the little vienna sausage cans while saying things like "Break fast. Break. Fast." Like that shit means something. 

HELLO, MILES MENDENHALL, ARE YOU STILL FUCKING ALIVE??

R.I.P., MY ANGEL. 

See. My knowledge of art stuff extends only past season one of Work of Art. Like, I couldn't even be bothered to watch season 2, which I'm only 77.3% sure exists. But, clearly, I wasn't the only one who couldn't be bothered haha!

Sooooooooooooooo should I maybe start fucking talking about the actual shit I came here to talk about orrr??!

Like, I was trying to preface. Or offer a disclaimer? Idk. I just want you to know I don't care about ~art~ in the right way. If there is a right way, because seriously, watching this mess sort of makes me think there isn't??

So at first I tried to watch this doc in like...a proper...manner. Like, through the lens of someone who isn't essentially Salem the Cat from Sabrina but in humanish form. But...somewhere around the...maybe forty minute mark? Possibly way sooner than that??? I lost interest in trying to respect this documentary as something that deserved respect. Which is no shade to the film, this is how I watch pretty much everything. Like I just started screencapping a bunch of stuff and laughing at shit that maybe wasn't supposed to be funny and thinking things like "Marina could get it" and not even trying to feel ashamed. 

So I just want to say that I think Marina's idea to sit in front of people's stupid fucking faces for seven hours a day, six days a week is...noble? I sure as fuck couldn't do it. Annnnnd this reminds me of exactly when I stopped watching this movie as a movie and started taking screencaps of shit that was making me laugh and that was pretty much what I did for the majority of my viewing. 

I totally did not even think about going to the bathroom. When I heard about this exhibit/performance art thingy years ago I was under the impression she just sat there all day every day. But that's insane, and also I think I confused The Artist Is Present with another one of Marina's works. That one where she's like showering and shit and people can just watch?? Anyway, seven hours a day is still a fucking lot. And when they revealed this^chair I was like "omg". I wonder if she ever used it. Did she have a flap in the back of her dress? Because seriously, how awkward would that have been if she really had to piss and/or shit and then just started fidgeting about in her seat trying to get access to the hole and she's staring into someone's face the whole time? Preferrably Franco's??

But we're getting ahead of ourselves!!! I think I'm just going to write about the caps I took. Which I didn't start taking until post-David Blaine eating a glass, I think. Like, why didn't that mess inspire me?? Because he's David Blaine and no1 cares??? Like, not even Marina cared in that scene. She's like *yawn* Did this nigga just take a bite of my wineglass? What is he - Italian? (????)

Oh, Ulay! So I was mildly obsessed with Ulay. He was sort of giving me Jeremy Irons tease, right? And I was totally shipping him and Marina sort of. At first. I took this cap because he was wearing an all-jean ensemble like he was attending a Canadian wedding or being from one of those places in that area between the two coasts. Those flyover states. Coloyoming or some shit. But seriously when he showed up I was all like "Are they going to fuck, or what?" AND YO, I THINK THEY DID. Because after this^, Ulay is in the kitchen with Marina and his jean shirt is HELLA UNBUTTONED. And Marina looks sort of messy??? Ugh, why didn't I cap that? It was hella postcoital, son. 

Here^ Ulay was talking about how lazy he is. Peep that open ass shirt!!! I thought this bit was funny, but also I felt like he was throwing a lot of shade at Marina and seeming sort of jealous? The more he talked and the more that was revealed about him, the less I shipped them. How you gonna call this bitch out for being ambitious and making dem dollar$? And then he's all "I don't have to work hard, I can just marry Marina", like, jokingly. But you know he was dead ass serious. And I bet he thinks he's majorly responsible for her success, too. Like, you can just tell. That being said, I totally loved him. Like he was thoroughly amusing. 

Here, for some reason, the camera was filming Marina vomiting? Because......???????? But it's like, why did I feel the need to screencap this? THE MONSTER IS LOOKING BACK AT ME.

I loved that this bitch was sick in bed looking like actual art. Which is obviously the whole point of Marina, right? Like she's all art all the time? Nigga, idk. But I loved this shot. She explains some shit about how red gives her power or some shit?? And then at the end of her explanation she's like "That was my monologue", something like that. And just, ugh, I love her. She is soooo cute. 

Okay, so I was sort of going crazy capping Ulay when he was walking around the exhibit whatever thing. HE WAS PERFORMING SO HARD FOR THE CAMERAS, OH MY GOD. I lived for every minute of it. All his fucking faces - guh!

Okay I have to post like fourteen thousand caps I took of Ulay when he walked through those two naked people, which those white ladies on Fox News were very aghast about lol 

LOOK AT HIM!! WHY IS HE WALKING     LIKE.THAATTTTT?!?!

I

CAN'T

DO

THIS.

No one can top Ulay, but this spiky-haired woman who walked through the naked people was also amusing

praise Allah for this movie, for real.

Okay here^ made me think this ~documentary~ was sort of fake. Like, first of all, Ulay has on Chucks. lol, no, that's not why. But him sitting down with Marina was so fucking extra, omg. So, pointed. Like, we get it, you two used to be partners. 

And then Marina crying

My cynic alarm started doing that annoying, shrill ass beeping it does when I fuck up the bacon. "Fuck up the bacon" means...nothing. Like, I'm not even going to try to make that mean something. And Marina/this movie shouldn't have tried to make this^ mean something, either. Ooooh, slam!! lol no, no one cares what I have to say about this, or my suspicions. It just seemed a touch fake, but who the fuck am I to be calling out fakeness when I opened this post declaring how I'm a Holden Caulfield level phony and that pretty much I only cared about this movie because Ulay looked like Jeremy Irons a little???? Come on, me. 

So when this drag queen off-duty came through I was like that girl in the middle: IS HE 'BOUT TO COLUMBINE, OR WHAT??! And it made me wonder about the fake-ass security at MoMa. Like, are they checkin' niggas at the door orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr??? This person clearly walked in with something under their coat soooooooooooooooo But also, what was that? I thought it was a mirror, but then they showed it later and it looked like...not a mirror? Was it a TV? It looked like a picture frame and there was some weird Liberty Science Center shit in the middle? Idk man, but my dude's blush was fucked. 

Am I a monster for laughing at all the people who cried? Yes, but a cute monster. Like Sully from Monster's, Inc. He could get it though, right??? 

Please don't judge me, Boo. Please. 

Look at this piece of shit. Like, why do you have that face? This is the type of dude I would have had a crush on in high school and his name would've been like Alex and he probably wouldn't even kill me when he came thru to shoot up everyone because I wasn't a cool jock, but I also wasn't one of those wheelchair kids. Totally irrelevant in the scheme of things. He'd have no need to ask me if I believed in God; he just assumed I was Jehovah's Witness because one time I wore that really long jean skirt maybe??? Wait, but how many times am I going to reference school shootings? To be honest, they're not referenced enough. AMERICA UNITED STATES BALD EAGLE BALLPARK FRANKS!!!!!

So I guess demons are just walking around totally sans disguise now? You know how in Constantine (plz don't judge me, Boo) the demons were disguised as stuff? Like, as people? uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh This dude looks like Riff Raff from Rocky Horror mixed with Malcolm McDowell from Cat People?? No, because that actually sounds hot. Wait, did you know I was sexually attracted to Riff Raff? WELL NOW YOU DO. 

This^ is the exact moment when that dude in the fleece was all like "You're an actor?" to Jimmy Franko and James had to say "yes" whilst choking down tears/screams. Praise Allah.

This was when Marina was all like "Who was that hot Asian?". I totally forgot her assistant's name, but either he's in love with her, or he had dibs on that Asian. 

This bitch. BUT WHY ARE YOU CRYING?? Did she seriously think she wasn't going to get snatched up for taking her dress off?? Come on, Sally. Or Alice or Jan or whatever the fuck. I was amused, though. As soon as she walked up to sit with Marina I knew she was going to pull some shit. And she did and yay! See, this is why I need to start going to these art shows: there's a good chance someone will pull some stunt queen shit. Someone other than whatever stunt queen artist's show they're doing it at. Like I want to see people get naked for no reason/kindofmaybe do Columbine/start crying and saying they're "proud" of their black son for being so brave to look Marina in the eye and not turn to stone??? I need these things in my life on a regular basis!! This documentary has not sustained me!!! 

Alright, bye.

The Lovers on the Bridge (1991)

So what is Denis Lavant? 

Not a human, correct?? He's super scary to me, but I think this is my first movie watching him, so I can't tell what kind of scary. I hope this doesn't awaken anything in me scary, or legit imagine Gary Busey going down on you scary??? Also, is he like...did he used to be in the circus? And not in that cool Burt Lancaster sort of way. Like, was he a freak? You know what I mean?? I could google it, but what if google tells me he actually did something classy. Like he was a trapeze artist or some shit, or was that dude who tightrope walked between the twin towers or whatever. Like, I don't want to find out he wasn't just a straight up carny. 

Denis plays some tramp named Alex. He really reminded me of like actual street vagrant types. Like it wasn't that ~*~Hollywood~*~ version of the homeless where they still have perfect, super-white teeth. Denis looks like he was straight up poached off the street by Leos Carax. He was lured to set by Leos waving a little baggie of heroin or some shit at him, that's what it looks like. So, good on for the realism. However, I was thoroughly disgusted. You're the ~*~romantic male lead~*~ and you look like some dude who sleeps in the sewers. Except this is a French film, so he sleeps on a bridge. Classy homeless. Of çourse. 

I can't tell what Alex's entire deal is. Every homeless person has a ~reason~ for living outside. Like, no one willingly wants to live outside except for legit psychopaths, ie: those nature freaks. People who want to be friends with fucking bears or tempt snakes to swallow them or some Australian ass shit like that. But Alex seems like he lives on the street because he's an addict? Oui? He looks very cracky, but I couldn't figure out what his exact poison was. Also it seemed like maybe he was...idk...sober from his main drug?? Ugh, I don't know. That older homeless dude kept giving him like methadone or some shit to fall asleep, right? Or, no, was it morphine?? If he was taking morphine to fall afuckingsleep, jesus. But whatever, Alex def seemed to have some sort of addiction issue. 

My baby girl Juliette Binoche comes through playing some going-blind bitch named Michèle. 

Remember when I used to severely hate Juliette Binoche?? FOR NO REASON. Ugh I hate when I'm dumb and deeply despise an actor and then all of a sudden one day I love them sosososo much and have no idea fucking ever why I hated them. And then sometimes it's too late because they fucking die! That happened with Philly Seymour Hoffman and omg I'm so mad. Like I started really loving him only a few months before he died and I. want. to. also. be. dead. Like I'll never forgive myself. But thank god Juliette is one of those immortal types and will never die. (I just jinxed her, right? Like, she's dying right now as I'm typing this). I wanted to see this movie for her. Well, I want to see all French movies ever always. Even the bad ones give me something, you know? (Nope.) So doubly exciting because FRENCH FILM and BINOCHE. 

Michèle is an artist. She draws and shit. Not totally clear why she's camping out on the bridge. It seems that maybe her boyfriend...broke up with her? No, I honestly have no idea. Because who is that woman who Alex sees when he breaks into...that apartment?? Was that Michèle's apartment and was that her lover?? Like, what was going on? Okay, and then, who was that dude she shot? Her ex-boo, right? Ugh soooo confused. And then also she's fucking going blind. And it sort of seems like she ran away from her family??? Also???? Maybe Michè--no, I don't know why I'm writing "maybe". Def Michèle has some mental issues going on. Because I feel like she clearly has housing options, but is choosing to sleep on the bridge. And she has health problems which makes it even more insane. But also it seems like maybe she's done some...wrong? And maybe that's why she ran away?? Was this made explicitly clear in the movie and I just wasn't paying attention enough? Like, did I sleep on the subtitles? I FEEL LIKE NO. I think Michèle's shit was intentionally vague. A lot of things in this movie were vague, I think. Also it seems like...there was some weird shit going on with the older dude? For some reason he felt like some older, mirror copy of Alex??? And then I see on imdb that maybe this movie is part of a ~series~?? Ugh, this is my first Leos Carax movie so I'm just lost. Though I doubt once I watch more of his shit things will be cleared up for me. Like, am I going to get his vision? Prob nah.

Was I into the ~love story~? Maybe? I felt bad for Alex, and that always helps. It's good to feel really bad for one half of a couple, especially if it's the dude in a straight coupling. I don't know why, it just does. I don't know about calling it a love story, though. Like, did Michèle even love Alex? The minute she heard on the radio there was a surgery she could get for her eyes, she fucking dipped. I mean, she  came back eventually, but also she was planning on leaving again??? Michèle is super manic pixie dream girl, but like the reverse. Like she doesn't help guide the male lead to betterness or whatever, she possibly worsens his life??? I DON'T KNOW, MY PAL. 

This movie was really pretty, though!!

Shit was gross and everyone looked disgusting, but it was also super beautiful?? I loved that fireworks scene. And I loved when Alex set fire to those posters. 

Like, cool. Cool unsarcastically. Unsarcastically isn't a word, but it motherfucking should be, spellcheck!!

Also, at one point, Juliette Binoche is rocking Uma Thurman's tracksuit from Kill Bill for some reason??

I am...into this. 

So I loved the sexy/ugly (French) look of the movie, and I loved the performances. Like Juliette and that freak Denis sort of served me it. Especially Juliette. Like she was really giving me too much. Too much in a good way. Overall, though, it was cool for me when the movie ended. This movie made me feel that feeling I get when I go out at night in the wintertime. Like, it's cold and dark. Can't get inside fucking fast enough where the only light source is not coming from the glaring red eyes of a possum. Huh, I should start going to therapy. Or, join a club!! The Boys & Girls Club of America? Yes, I like little kids. 

This was my favorite thing about The Interview:

James Franco? Nah. The^ sweater. It's like a bunch of fucking tigers, right? Shiiiiiiiiiit. 

But my second fave thing? Yeah, Franco. And like, that's terrible. Because he was terrible. He like was immediately offending me as soon as he popped onscreen. Why does he always seem like he is doing a parody of himself? Who does he think he is - Nic Cage? YOU'RE NOT AT THAT LEVEL YET, FRANCO. Except...maybe you are??? Ugh, but I moved away from super-offended by his presence and teeth to just loving...him...super-hard? I mean, compared to the rest of the shit in this movie...he was Daniel Day-Lewis eating a bowl of mashed potatoes on the toilet. And so concludes this "review". 

The One I Love (2014)

I can't decide how I feel about Mark Duplass. Like, I think I hate his face. Also, have I ever liked him innnnnnnn anything? HUH, NO. Yet for some reason I got really excited about Togetherness?? But then I watched it and that probably shifted me more over into the I Wish Mark Duplass Was Deceased camp. Like, before I was in the middle, like...not even caring about his existence on Earth one way or the other. But then I saw Togetherness and it was like "oh, right". And I remembered all the fucking mumblecornonthecob "movies" he's made and how I sort of hate everything about that genre that I think he fucking created. But if he's responsible for splatting Greta Gerwig into my life then, fine. I'll give him an awkward pat on the neck fat for that. Oh I just remembered his Brendan Deslaurier on Mindy. Ugh, I sort of love Brendan. And Mark is perfect for that douchey ass character. But why don't I like him on The League? Prob 'cause I'm sort of "eh" on The League. Like Rafi is my queen and I love Ruxin but...they talk about sports stuff sometimes? And also it's very "bro-y", which I fucking hate. 

Hmm, anyway! Mark was pretty...alright here. Like, I guess I sympathized with his character. If Elisabeth Moss wanted to leave me for a ~better version~ of me I'd be fucking distraught. So, I like, was, idk...rooting for him? But also it's apparent he cheated on her? Who cheats on Elisabeth Moss? Have you seen her face?!!?

(Don't answer if you're a Moss face-hater) (No one's going to answer because no1 reads this shit so who the fuck am I talking to??) 

Mark and Elisbaeth play married couple Ethan & Sophie. Ugh, those names. It's very baby names 2003. It's very, like, the names of a married couple. And like one or both is Jewish. But that kind of Jewish where you can't really tell. It's fun to write offensive shit that borderline makes completely no sense. So Moss and Duplass are playing this fucking couple!!! They're doing couples therapy or whatever because Ethan had an affair. Like, lol. Right. With whom?? Come on. No shade even on his looks. Like, Ethan is just awkward as fuck? Who is he doing a sexy affair with? A fucking crossing guard? Like, those ones who carry a chair to their stop? And then take forever to get up from it when they need to cross kids??? And you're telling me Sophie finds this out and doesn't just immediately leave him?? WHAT REDEEMING, GOOD, LIKABLE QUALITIES DOES ETHAN EVEN POSSESS? Oh, he looks sort of less bad when he takes his glasses off?? Well, Sophie falling in love with ~Better Ethan~ makes perfect sense now. Except, no, because she wouldn't have met him had she never visited that creepy house. Like, had she just immediately left Ethan??????

Should I explain the creepy house and the ~Better Versions~??? Again, who am. I. talking. to???  

Okay so Ethan and Sophie's Ted Danson tells them about this house. He, like, pulls out a brochure. 57% sure Ethan and Sophie's fucking therapist just sold them a timeshare. Ted Danson is all "every couple I've sent to this house has come back rejuvenated". I bet. So of course Ethan and Sophie are like "yay let's go". Hmm, but what I don't get is...how does a fucking house save a marriage? Like, how does leaving your house and going to another one...fix anything??? How does moving from one spot of the room to...another spot change your perspective?? Like, I get how literally...but how...figuratively??? Like, spiritually and mentally?!?!?? Ethan and Sophie seem to be in a really awk ass place and I don't know how that's automatically alleviated because they change settings. Is it because this new house...has...a guest house?! A coooooool guest house in the back?!?! That prob Ethan and Sophie's regular house doesn't have?!?!!?

Long story short: this timeshare Ted Danson sells them has like aliens or some shit. Robots or some shit. Apparitions or some shit. Like, aborted twin...ghosts????!?!? You know, I read a ton of annoying reviews about this movie before actually watching it. I like to do that. Torture myself reading a ton of reviews written by annoying ass people such as myself, going on and on about blah blah blah. I do this a lot with movies I really want to see but have no access to yet (ie: I live in NJ and also am poooooooooor). Like, I've been doing this with Whiplash and Birdman for a year??? And Birdman is up on itunes now, but what did I do? Did I pay $15 to see that shit? No. I bought Tinahsé's album. Because I don't give A FUCK about ANYTHING. 

Anyway, all these reviews I read about The One I Love mentioned "sci-fi twist" and "shocking ending" or whatever. And I'm sitting here watching this movie like: "This seems really familiar. Like, I've seen this movie a thousand times. Maybe, Mandy Moore was in one version?? James Brolin, perchance???" Like, this movie has been done before. The ~sci-twist~ and ~~~~shocking ending~~ added nothing to the oeuvre. Like, you tried. Annnnnnnnd ya failed. Good job for...your...effort. But ultimately: whomp. Whompity whomp. whomp. 

That being horribly said, I liked watching Elisabeth and Mark. Well, I always like watching Elisabeth, because I'm a fan. She was super creepy here as ~Better Sophie~, and omg her face when ~Better Ethan~ told her he would try really hard to be a better husband. UGH, DEATH. I wish I wasn't being super fucking lazy right now because I'd go look for that scene to cap her beautiful art picture face with the little tears ugghnnjenmjnehbeiwn. Hmm, should I add Elisabeth to my creepy Fave Criers list??? MAYBE. Don't sleep, Marion. (stopppp). I also liked...sigh...Mark. Like I said, I felt bad for his character or whatever I guess. Except, again, he did cheat on Sophie, so...only a little bad. And...actually even less a little bad BECAUSE HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO'S YOUR REAL WIFE AND WHO'S THE FAKE CREEPY VERSION? What a dumb ass. And then he'll just get to live the rest of his life in bliss, happily chomping on bacon and I'm like: siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. And what does Real Sophie get? Is her Fake Ethan fucking dead? GREAT. Good good good. ugh

In summary: I was not impressed, and everyone's sole goal in life should be to impress me. But good job being super obvious with "Dedicated to the One I Love" at the ending. It was, awkwardly, the best part of the film. Keep up the good work!!!

The Immigrant (2013)

Probably this entire "review" will be me talking about how much I love Marion Cotillard, Joaquin Phoenix and Jeremy Renner, and like nothing about the actual movie. Like, what happens. Plot and shit. 

I am borderline obsessed with pretty much all three. I have times where I completely forget Jeremy Renner exists, so that's why "pretty much", but I never forget Joaquin and Marion are alive on this fucking planet. They are my babies forever. So this movie was a treat. And ugh, I just seriously used the word "treat" to describe anything other than fancy sorbet from a faux-French café on the Atlantic City Boardwalk in like 1921. This is what Marion and Joaquin do to me. They make me use words like "treat". Soon I'll be saying shit like "marvelous" and "amazeballs". NO. 

So apparently the director, James Gray, wrote this movie for Marion after she threw bread at his head. She is perfect and everyone else should just fucking die. Also apparently he said he wouldn't have wanted to do this movie had she or Joaquin not agreed to star in it. Which is cute, but I bet he still would have done it lol. With horrible substitutes like Natalie Portman as Ewa and fucking Mark Wahlberg or some shit playing a "kyke" (kike??). Wow, that totally would have fucking happened, right? My god. 

So is Joaquin James' muse? It's awkward for me when a director has a great muse and then puts them in...shit? Hmmm idk. I've seen...two other James Gray/Joaquin collabs: We Own the Night and Two Lovers. I vaguely remember hating both of them? Ugh I should rewatch them to see if they were legit terrible, but...my muscles remember hating both of those films and being like: whhhhhhhy can't Paul Thomas Anderson just...work more? Right? Like, why doesn't he Woody Allen out a new film every year with Joaquinto? I am comfortable with PTA claiming Joaquin as his muse if that's what he chooses to do, but not James Gray. Like, are you making a movie where I am forced to watch Joaquin fuck a depressed-looking Gwyneth Paltrow on a rooftop??? And, um, was Marky Mark ~the star~ of We Own the Night? Come on, son! You're doing muses wrong! Just....just no. And...ugh...he wrote this movie for Marion and I'm like.................................................. This mess was cliché as hell and SIGH. Marion pulled it off, of course, and made me forget how mediocre this movie was, BUT WAKE UP, PAL. Don't try to write a ~woman movie~ and then have it be about a helpless bitch serving as the rope in a game of tug of war between two dudes. And of course, she's a prostitute. Couldn't Marion have teardropped all over a triangle shirt factory or while fixing the chains on tricycles or some shit? Dog walking?? I'm sure they had dogs back in 1920 whatever. I'm sure they existed!! 

Soooooo lol. Did I maybe think this movie was dumb? idk. Maybe the story? Like, lame. Right? Yeah, maybe. I can imagine someone watching this who isn't a fan of any of the stars and being like "but why?". But for me, I was able to ignore most of the dumbness/lameness to fangirl all over my faves. Marion cried so much!!!

SO MANY TEARDROPS!! Real quick off the top of my stupid head who are my favorite criers: Marion, Brad Pitt, Shia LaBeouf. I need to start...a collection. Like I need to start collecting something and that thing will be my favorite actors' cry scenes. I need more people, but I've got a good start. Marion will be the face of the crew; the leader or whatever. I just wrote all that and yet I am still alive. Sigh, WHAT WILL IT TAKE, GOD OR WHOEVER?!?! (whomever? Ugh, I still haven't figured out who/whom. It's not cute anymore.) (Wait, but was it ever??)

ALSO CAN WE TALK ABOUT WHEN MARION/EWA ATE THAT BANANA?!?

First she sniffed it. And I'm only a little bit curious why she's sniffing a banana. Hmm, she must be hungrrrry?? or whatever. 

BUT THEN SHE FUCKING JUST BITES INTO IT!! Ugggggh it's the cutest thing I've ever seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen. Also, do they not have bananas in Poland? Or like, did they not have them ~back then~? ANSWER ME, I DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING TO YAHOO. No one does hahaha! #Netscape. 

Oh shit I just remembered Colin Farrell's tears in stuff. Adding him to the collection!! Marion's gang is growing!!!  (stop)

Are Joaquin's tears distinguishable enough to be added to my creepy criers list? Hmmm, no. I will start a separate category for Fave Cleft Lips. Obvi, Joaqa Flocka will be the face of the brand. 

Can we talk about the end scene though where Joaquin was yell/crying. 

Ugh. Where he's talking about all the shit he did to Ewa and how he's "nothing"? KILLLL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Can we also talk about how I totally shipped to death Ewa and Bruno? Even though Ewa sort of deeply hated him and Bruno kinda/sorta forced her into prostitution??? I shipped them from the beginning but obviously I hated myself the entire time for it. Like, Bruno was super gross immediately. But also really pathetic and I felt bad for him and he's Joaquin Phoenix, so. Like maybe if Bruno had been cast with someone else I would have been properly disgusted by him? For instance if he was played by Mark Wahlberg? Or pretty much any one of my non-faves. But actually I think that's how the character was written. Like, we were supposed to empathize with him at least a lil? Or nah??? I DON'T KNOW, BUT I DID AND THAT END SCENE KILLED ME LIKE I JUST WANTED HIM TO GO TO CALI WITH EWA AND HER SIS. No, no...this isn't...some indie romcom. Bruno would have been a hot fucking mess over there, too. Wherever you go there you are, right? FUCKING PLEASE KILL ME GOD!!! 

I really loved the performances of Marion and Joaquin in this. They really thought they were in a much better film than they actually were - I love that shit. And I'm going to need for them to work together again because they were giving me everything I ever needed. Shall we address Jeremy now? He who I clearly love slightly less than my fave crier and fave cleft lip haver. 

My baby! No, like, I love you. Even though you give me the creeps sometimes? For instance, the Golden "Globes". Also, here. As ORLANDO THE MAGICIAN. I love how you sort of looked like Hitler? Maybe? Also I die for any of my faves rocking that slick back shit with a part on the side. 

LOOK AT. THAT. SHIT. I laughed, I cried. Also he was rocking eyeliner. Rocking it. Also Dagmara Dominczyk refers to Jeremy as a "pretty boy" at one point?????

I FUCKING LAUGHED. AND I FUCKING CRIED. 

No but I definitely really love Jeremy and his hands and how he looks like a fucking construction worker but is sort of maybe a movie star still anyway??? And I liked that he made Orlando creepy as heck. Like he was shiesty, right? He was a slickster and a loser and it wasn't totally obvious but it also totally was. (He was a fucking magician). Ugh but at the same time I was annoyed because I wanted Ewa to not keep getting dicked over by people (dudes). I was expecting worse, though. Like he got stabbed before he could do any real damage, and that's prob for the best. Wait, why do I think Orlando deserved to be dead and not, like, Bruno? The dude shanking niggas with fucking pie servers????? What is my obsession with Bruno?? 

OVERALL! I...did I like this movie? I loved a bunch of my faves being all in one place. A lot of times that's enough. Get three to seventeen of my faves all under one roof and I'm not giving your movie less than 7 stars on imdb. Shout-out to motherfucking Wes Anderson, nah mean? (no shade) (a lil shade). But I totally wish this movie was better? Like, more epic? Less...typical?? I don't know, ugh. It doesn't matter, I guess. All three of my babies have way better shit on their resumes I can go watch and cum to completion. But I still want all three of these people back together again in something better. Or, I can just wait for Macbeth to come out and get excited about Marion/Michael and entirely forget about Jeremy again and also Joaquin because sometimes he goes away and Daniel Day-Lewis groundhogs back up and it's like: Joaquin who?? NO, I WILL NEVER SAY THIS!!! No, I've totally said it before. Back when I was all about River Phoenix and was like...angry at Joaquin for being the one who lived?? Those were dark times. Those were thinking A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon was essentially River's Rebel Without a Cause times. Fucking bleak.

Laurence Anyways (2012)

I'm obsessed with Xavier Dolan. And probably not for many appropriate reasons. Like I was obsessed with him before I ever saw any of his films. I had seen him get brutally murdered in Martyrs, maybe? By that point? But no, I think I read about him in some magazine. Probably some commerical hipster rag like Nylon or some shit. Using words like "wunderkind" and "enfant terrible" or some shit to describe him. I was probably around 19, so natch, I became instantly obsessed. Those words get me. Especially 19 year old me. (and also 25 year old now me, so.......) Also, Xavier looks like a little bunny rabbit. 

A little lapin. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH.

Semi-shortly after my Xavier obsession began, I finally saw one of his films. But not the first one that got him all that street cred, not I Killed My Mother. I saw Heartbeats. And I loved it sooooo much. In like, a super gay way. I loved all the visuals and shit. I lovedlovedloved Monia Chokri. I loved the slo-mo shit and the music. I loved when Xavier, a human bunny rabbit, said French words to an actual real-life bunny rabbit! The random Louis Garrel cameo! Frenchy 3some stuff!!! So much red!!!! I just really felt like that movie was tailor-made for me and now I feel weird for typing that. Like, who do I think I am?? A creep. I'm a fucking creep. But seriously, Xavier ticked all my box--GOD NO JUST QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD. 

I also eventually saw I Killed My Mother, but I don't want to talk about that or Heartbeats now because I want to make it uncomfortable as hell and write separate posts for both of them. It's Laurence Anyways turn up now! Which I just now fucking saw even though this shit has been out for a solid two fucking years??? And I don't even want to think about how long it's going to fucking take for me to get access to Mommy. WHICH I GODDAMN NEED BECAUSE IF I THOUGHT HEARTBEATS WAS MADE FOR ME, I WAS OBVIOUSLY NOT THINKING ABOUT A FUTURE WHERE XAVIER WOULD MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT A WOMAN DEALING WITH HER HOT, VIOLENT, TEENAGE SON. What?!?! GIVE ME THAT MESS RIGHT NOWWWW.

So......I'm glad I didn't read the imdb trivia before watching this movie. Because, apparently, Louis Garrel was initially attached to play Laurence but dropped out? Are you. fucking. kidding me?? FUCK, WHY!! I lovvve Louis Garrellllllllll ugggghgh this is terrible to know. But now I'm thinking about it...and...I'm thinking about Louis Garrel as a fucking woman and I'm seeing nothing good. Like, that strong ass nose and jaw - lol, omg nooooooo. 

Wait, I just spent some time googling Louis' face and...

I don't know. Maybe. I think I changed my mind about him making an ugly woman. He could totally pull off that very French ugly/sexy woman thing. Though idk if any man transitioning to be a woman would want to go for sexy/ugly. I mean, work with what you got but...idk. I'm a vagina-haver. If I wanted to become a penis-haver I would want to look as manly and handsome as fuck. I wouldn't want to have to settle for woman me dressed up as an incompetent-looking scrub ass dude, which is what I fucking would look like. And what Louis would look like, lol, as a woman. 

Anyway! Melvil Poupaud ended up in the role and...I don't know. Did he ever look like a woman to me? You know, in the end he did when his hair was longer and styled and he had on that swag ass skirt/suit set thing. 

Here^. I was finally like, okay, you look like a classy older businesswoman. You own a bunch of Mary Kay or Avon slaves, something nice like that. But...before this: hoo boy. Mmmm, idk. Like maybe I shouldn't say shit like "hoo boy". It's a bit rude. And also I can't really imagine how hard it probably is to be a man for like 35 years and then all of a sudden you're thrust into the world of womanhood. Like, you're not going to be immediately J.Lo. I mean, I've been a woman for 25 years and I'm nowhere near J.Lo. Maybe I could pull off Tracy Ullman in blackface???? Yes, I'm doing fine. But I shouldn't judge Laurence for not being immediately Tracy Ullman in blackface, because he hasn't had a lot of practice. What I should be doing is applauding him for going in front of his classroom

rocking a fairly bomb ass skirt/suit combo with...are those orange heels? (CANARY???) This scene made me feel like I was riding a roller coaster at one of those shitty boardwalk places. Where like, everything is suspiciously still wood even though it's not the 1912 World Fair anymore??? Just, nervous, b. I would never be able to get in front of a class of kids like this, premiering my ~new look~. Even if it's a class of fairly mild French Canadians. And even if my ~new look~ is just, like, hoop earrings this time instead of my usual studs. Hoop earrings are a big change!!! And my piercing holes are uneven!!

Wow, I was really spending a large chunk of time watching this movie critiquing Laurence's appearance. "Am I into his look?" was basically shading my every thought. 

Like, he's getting fired and it's horrible but the whole time I'm going: "I want that sweater!!"

Look at the cute leaves!! I neeeeeeed it. But one thing that was bothering me about Laurence's initial look was that...no, I wasn't bothered. He had short hair so he just looked like a dude wearing lipstick. And when Fred gave him a wig to show her support and he put it on I was like: Finally, okay, you look cute. But then later he took it off and was all

And then I had to feel weird for wanting him to wear a wig? But also now I understand that he is a woman inside his ~soul~. And it's not about fucking dressing up - I mean, that's part of it, but it's not the whole thing. And, ugh, then I had to feel really embarrassed and dumb. So thanks, Xavier! Thank you for condescending to me even though I needed to be condescended to! Nope, I still have an attitude!!

But to return to me being shallow and learning nothing: When Laurence's hair actually became long I was like: sigh. This bitch needs...help. A double-strength conditioner, for one. I mean, look at this mess when he goes to see Fred after they've been apart for a while. 

Look at that scraggly mess^. 

LOOK AT IT!!

NO!

Wait, but was it necessary for me to cap like three pics off Netflix? YES. Omg I was so annoyed in this scene because he was going to see his 4ever love after he stalked his way back into her heart and he shows up looking like he's never heard of fucking VO5 Hot Oil Treatments. Do they not have that in Canada??? They have gravy on fries but no hot oil treatments? This is why you're America's fedora, Canada. Come on. 

To be fair to Laurence, though, he ran to the door. But even when he did the pat down it was still a mess. Come on, get some hot rollers or some shit. This is not the look. 

But let me stop talking about Laurence looking like a hot fucking mess slash glamazon anyways, to address the performance of Melvil. DID I LIKE IT? I did, I think. I think I bought his performance of a woman in a man's body, transitioning into full-blown bitch. Despite my criticism of Laurence's appearance at times, I was still buying what Melvil was selling me. Probably. I've never cared about Melvil Poupaud before. To me, he's always been just a pretty face. It's like Alain Delon but...less interesting. Like, at least give me a vaguely psychotic vibe. You're giving me nothing. I need my French actors to have fucked up noses or look like demented little Mathieu Amalric-ish type trolls. I can't deal with these pretty dudes. Well, unless they seem unhinged. Or give me unhinged onscreen. François Arnaud shout-out???! What am I...doing?????

But anyway, Melvil was good. But who was really giving me life was, of course, Suzanne Clément.

FUCKING. KILLED IT.

Like, the restaurant scene alone. 

Just, her yelling in that old bitch's face was everything I've ever needed in my life. And look^ at these two entirely different faces/emotions saying one thing. I was feeling weird about her perfomance being the strongest, though. But also, maybe I misunderstood what this movie was really about. I thought, before watching it, that it was going to focus primarily on Laurence's ~journey~. But...the movie sort of seemed to be more of a love story? Or is it just me always trying to force ~love story~ on everything? Idk, but it just felt the movie was about Laurence and Fred's love. Like, the film even ends on their initial meet-cute. And Suzanne Clément totally comes through and does the opposite of snatching hair from roots. She lets everyone keep their shitty, split-endy ass tresses. coughLaurencecough. She just really gave me life for the entire film. She's still not my favorite Xavier muse, though. That's Monia all day every day. 

MY QUEEN. 

Wait, no, but what was this ~review~? I talked about how shitty Laurence's hair was and then maybe trashed Alain Delon? Is he an icon? Like, a respected one? I'm not going to get any letters am I? No, because no one reads this blog. PLEASE SEND ME DEATH THREATS WHERE IT'S LIKE YOU CUT OUT ALL THE LETTERS FROM MAGAZINES AND IT'LL BE VERY THOSE "THREATENING" RANSOM NOTES FROM THE BODYGUARD. Ugh, who ever references The Bodyguard? No, seriously, why am I still alive?

Well I can't die yet! I still haven't seen Mommy!! 

I'm coming for you, boy. Don't sleep.

Shameless season 5, thus far

So how many episodes deep into the season are we? Four, right? And then tonight is five. Yeah, I definitely want to write about what's happened so far before tonight's episode. I want to ~speculate~ because I feel like everything has been set up and now we wait for, like, the usual fall out.

Okay, so, obviously: Fiona. She married that dude. With the fucking beard and guitar and writing music for fucking, idk, app games??? OKAY. Wait before I even get into talking about how fucking disastrous this marriage will turn out: DID ANYONE ELSE SUSPECT THIS DUDE WAS A STRAIGHT-UP MURDERER? He seriously was giving me the creeps. Like when Fiona went to his apartment that first time, I was very Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost. NEVER MAKE ME BE WHOOPI GOLDBERG IN GHOST, SHAMELESS. But he didn't end up murdering her or forcing her to watch him take a shit, so...I don't know what kind of vibes I was getting. Or maybe...MAYBE HE WAS JUST BIDING HIS TIME. He's gotten this reckless bitch to marry him, and now he will pounce. OH GOD IF THEY PULL OUT THEIR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CARD I WILL BE SOOOOOOO HAPPY!! Sad for Fiona, but happy because domestic violence is like in my top 3 for stories!! 1 is incest, 2 is...SIDS and 3 is domestic motherfucking violence! violence!! Wow, this...what am I doing? Anyway, that dude is not going to start beating Fiona. What's going to happen is...what usually happens. Fionay shit. I mean, we already got that ending where she's having the realization she made a huge mistake. But I'm wondering if both of them will try to force it, like...be unwilling to acknowledge they fucked up. That would be interesting to watch. And then, of course, Jimmy will show up. Right? Like, they're doing that, right? That's what that Asian woman stalking Fiona at her job is about, right? IF IT'S NOT I'M GOING TO BE ANNOYED. I hate this show for forever dangling that Jimmy carrot, and I hate myself for being one of those crazed Jimmy fans. Wait, no, I'm not crazed. But I feel like the creators get annoyed with people who are like: WHERE DA FUCK JIMMY AT?? And their annoyance lends Jimmy "fans" a serious borderline-psychotic label. Like, this show is about The Gallaghers. WHATEVER, SHAMELESS CREATORS. I mean, you love Mickey so fucking much. Why aren't we allowed to really love/hate Jimmy/Steve???! ugh!

Lip. My fave. Don't know what they're...trying to do. I was thinking they were trying to show how...Lip doesn't fit in with his neighborhood anymore, but he also doesn't fit in with Amanda's people. But then they had him bonding with Amanda's dad over his engineer project car thing... I'll just wait. I feel like Lip is in an awkward stage this season because he's not in school. So they're like, how do we keep going with this Bad Will Hunting storyline off-campus? I mean, I think thus far they're doing a good-ish job. The shit with him working at the construction site reminded me of Ben Affleck's ~big speech~ in Good Will where he tells Matt Damon to stop being a loser or whatever. Except no one tells Lip that. But his body hurts really bad and he gets a lot of blisters??? And he totally quits to go hang with Amanda. But is...is Amanda supposed to be his Minnie Driver? lol because no. No but are we supposed to be legitimately shipping them?? I can't tell, but I don't want to! I mean, ugh, she's better than Mandy. Who, by the way, please be gone forever uggggh

Ian & Mickey, because they go hand in hand now at this point, right? But also, they always have??? I just read an interview with the two actors who play them and I was horrified and embarrassed and felt uncomfortable but also I got really excited about what's going to happen with them. Obviously Mickey will have to face reality and acknowledge that Ian is sick, and in the interview I read they say how Mickey is helpless and doesn't know what to do and that this is a new thing for him, being unable to help people he ~loves~. But it's like, where was all this strife when Mandy was getting her face rearranged by BLACK BOYFRIEND?? lol, okay, I'll ignore that because no one gives a fuck about Mandy. I swear to god the next time she turns up it'll be like a shot of a newspaper: Girl Found in Ditch. In...Kentucky or Missouri or wherever the fuck she moved. And then whoever is reading the paper will shrug. Like, we'll get an over the shoulder shot of shrugging. I hope it's Lip's shoulders. But I'm excited for how Ian and Mickey's relationship progresses, or...what's the opposite of progress?? Recess?? Wait, no. Wow my head dictionary is shit. No but recess works, right? Recesses? Ugh now I'm thinking about Spinelli. She was a lesbian, right? LIKE SHE WAS A LESBIAN, RIGHT?? 

Debbie. SIGH. So she finally swiped her v card (STOP!!!!!!). And she, like, raped her virginity away. Apparently. That dude she fucked (raped)...I don't care if it was rape. He was weird for hanging out with a fucking thirteen year old goddamn girl. That's what you fucking get - NEXT!!!! Lip was all "that dude is weird, I don't think you should be hanging out with him" when Debbie told him that he accused her of rape and I was like YESS!!!! lol, ugh, what a loser. I really hope we don't have to deal with his doofy gööber face anymore. Like, do you deliver pizzas? Are you a 33 year old Latina boy??? Come on, son!!! But I'm really excited for this season Debbie. I'm...horrified that she is no longer a virgin, but I don't know. Ugh. Do what you want. Even if you're barely out of kid-age. And Debbie seems...I don't know, not...traumatized. She really wanted to lose her virginity and she did and mission accomplished yay!! Yay??? No, yay. Totally...yay. And can we talk about her cute ass new haircut, or her punching that blonde bitch in the face UGH, I LIVE!!! So I'm excited. I'm excited to be less worried for her well-being than last season. But we'll see. Also I'm excited for this new potential kick-boxing boo of hers. LIKE, LET'S DO THIS!! No. These are children. oh goddddddddddddddd

Carlos. I love Carl. Also he's like twelve years old and it's one of those situations where I feel sad about it. And then I have to feel creepy - deservedly so - about my sadness. It's wonderful!! Anyway, I'm worried about Carl being a drug dealer. I don't want any Carl in Jail scenes. ACTUALLY, NO, CHANGED MY MIND, I FUCKING ABSOLUTELY NEED THAT IN MY LIFE. Like, if there was just an Oz Jr. type spin-off with Carl OMG MY GODDDD PLEASE GIVE ME THISSSSSSSSSSS ARE YOU KIDDDDINGMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. But if Carlos doesn't go to jail I'm excited to see whatever horribleness he will get into selling drugs. Also, will he accidentally become good at maths?? lol, no, that's...that's not even remotely what they're doing here lol. BUT NICE TRY, ME!! Sort of want to see Carl being kingpinnish, though?? Want to see Carl ballin'. Want to see him in like tracksuits and heavy gold chains weighing his dainty ass neck down. Need it! Please, let's go, Shameless. If you're not giving me Carl getting sodomized into a loving relationship by his ambiguously blasian bunkmate in juvie, at least give me Carl walking around in tracksuits and fresh ass kicks rocking gold chains and getting robbed by Soulja Boy or whatever. PLEASE!

Who are the other ones? Oh, right, Frank. Do I want to talk about Kev and V first? Maybe. I don't want them to break-up. But I love how they're giving me that ~mom detached~ from her babies storyline. Anytime I see this in movies/TV I get excited. I don't know why. Maybe because it's not...the common narrative? lol but I've seen this a lot and I feel like people talk about this shit all the time so...it totally is??? Anyway, I'm excited about V not being excited about her kids. And vagueishly cheating on Kevin. Also I'm excited Kevin's hair is gone, but...I don't know about this nearly-bald shit. Steve Howey is a weird-looking dude. Like Frankenstein but...a cartoon? And sort of...cute. ish. I don't know. REMEMBER WHEN HE WAS ON REBA? REMEMBER REBA? I can't believe that show existed. And for like forever. And that I watched many many episodes of it. And also, there was like a random Hispanic kid? Wasn't that son like Mexican?? Reba was a fucked up show, man

And then Frank. Let's talk about how Sheila is finally gone. FOREVER, RIGHT? I was starting to hate her for her treatment of...what the fuck is Frank's daughter's name lol omg. Is it Sammy? Or is that her fat kid's name? ANYWAY, DOESN'T MATTER. lol she doesn't matter. No, but I like her. And I wasn't here for Sheila treating her like garbage even though she's totally super annoying and her bleach job makes my teeth itch. So, Sheila's gone. Frank is homeless, non? Due to blowing up Sheila's house and for being a tragic, horrible person in general who doesn't deserve to live anywhere?? But Frank is Frank. He'll figure some shit out. And omg @ him blowing all that money. But hilarious most of it went to help out a bunch of limbless kids. But omg @ him, like, trying to take one of their legs away to sell on the black market?? Frank is seriously irredeemable. Sometimes I get mad that he, like, exists, but then I just remind myself it's sort of awesome to have a character this reprehensible on TV. And now I need a multi-camera comedy detailing Hitler's first year in "office". Has this already been done? I NEED IT. No, omg, I need an Auschwitz comedy. Like, in the camps. No...what...what am I actually fucking doing.