Laurence Anyways (2012)

I'm obsessed with Xavier Dolan. And probably not for many appropriate reasons. Like I was obsessed with him before I ever saw any of his films. I had seen him get brutally murdered in Martyrs, maybe? By that point? But no, I think I read about him in some magazine. Probably some commerical hipster rag like Nylon or some shit. Using words like "wunderkind" and "enfant terrible" or some shit to describe him. I was probably around 19, so natch, I became instantly obsessed. Those words get me. Especially 19 year old me. (and also 25 year old now me, so.......) Also, Xavier looks like a little bunny rabbit. 

A little lapin. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH.

Semi-shortly after my Xavier obsession began, I finally saw one of his films. But not the first one that got him all that street cred, not I Killed My Mother. I saw Heartbeats. And I loved it sooooo much. In like, a super gay way. I loved all the visuals and shit. I lovedlovedloved Monia Chokri. I loved the slo-mo shit and the music. I loved when Xavier, a human bunny rabbit, said French words to an actual real-life bunny rabbit! The random Louis Garrel cameo! Frenchy 3some stuff!!! So much red!!!! I just really felt like that movie was tailor-made for me and now I feel weird for typing that. Like, who do I think I am?? A creep. I'm a fucking creep. But seriously, Xavier ticked all my box--GOD NO JUST QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD. 

I also eventually saw I Killed My Mother, but I don't want to talk about that or Heartbeats now because I want to make it uncomfortable as hell and write separate posts for both of them. It's Laurence Anyways turn up now! Which I just now fucking saw even though this shit has been out for a solid two fucking years??? And I don't even want to think about how long it's going to fucking take for me to get access to Mommy. WHICH I GODDAMN NEED BECAUSE IF I THOUGHT HEARTBEATS WAS MADE FOR ME, I WAS OBVIOUSLY NOT THINKING ABOUT A FUTURE WHERE XAVIER WOULD MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT A WOMAN DEALING WITH HER HOT, VIOLENT, TEENAGE SON. What?!?! GIVE ME THAT MESS RIGHT NOWWWW.

So......I'm glad I didn't read the imdb trivia before watching this movie. Because, apparently, Louis Garrel was initially attached to play Laurence but dropped out? Are you. fucking. kidding me?? FUCK, WHY!! I lovvve Louis Garrellllllllll ugggghgh this is terrible to know. But now I'm thinking about it...and...I'm thinking about Louis Garrel as a fucking woman and I'm seeing nothing good. Like, that strong ass nose and jaw - lol, omg nooooooo. 

Wait, I just spent some time googling Louis' face and...

I don't know. Maybe. I think I changed my mind about him making an ugly woman. He could totally pull off that very French ugly/sexy woman thing. Though idk if any man transitioning to be a woman would want to go for sexy/ugly. I mean, work with what you got but...idk. I'm a vagina-haver. If I wanted to become a penis-haver I would want to look as manly and handsome as fuck. I wouldn't want to have to settle for woman me dressed up as an incompetent-looking scrub ass dude, which is what I fucking would look like. And what Louis would look like, lol, as a woman. 

Anyway! Melvil Poupaud ended up in the role and...I don't know. Did he ever look like a woman to me? You know, in the end he did when his hair was longer and styled and he had on that swag ass skirt/suit set thing. 

Here^. I was finally like, okay, you look like a classy older businesswoman. You own a bunch of Mary Kay or Avon slaves, something nice like that. But...before this: hoo boy. Mmmm, idk. Like maybe I shouldn't say shit like "hoo boy". It's a bit rude. And also I can't really imagine how hard it probably is to be a man for like 35 years and then all of a sudden you're thrust into the world of womanhood. Like, you're not going to be immediately J.Lo. I mean, I've been a woman for 25 years and I'm nowhere near J.Lo. Maybe I could pull off Tracy Ullman in blackface???? Yes, I'm doing fine. But I shouldn't judge Laurence for not being immediately Tracy Ullman in blackface, because he hasn't had a lot of practice. What I should be doing is applauding him for going in front of his classroom

rocking a fairly bomb ass skirt/suit combo with...are those orange heels? (CANARY???) This scene made me feel like I was riding a roller coaster at one of those shitty boardwalk places. Where like, everything is suspiciously still wood even though it's not the 1912 World Fair anymore??? Just, nervous, b. I would never be able to get in front of a class of kids like this, premiering my ~new look~. Even if it's a class of fairly mild French Canadians. And even if my ~new look~ is just, like, hoop earrings this time instead of my usual studs. Hoop earrings are a big change!!! And my piercing holes are uneven!!

Wow, I was really spending a large chunk of time watching this movie critiquing Laurence's appearance. "Am I into his look?" was basically shading my every thought. 

Like, he's getting fired and it's horrible but the whole time I'm going: "I want that sweater!!"

Look at the cute leaves!! I neeeeeeed it. But one thing that was bothering me about Laurence's initial look was that...no, I wasn't bothered. He had short hair so he just looked like a dude wearing lipstick. And when Fred gave him a wig to show her support and he put it on I was like: Finally, okay, you look cute. But then later he took it off and was all

And then I had to feel weird for wanting him to wear a wig? But also now I understand that he is a woman inside his ~soul~. And it's not about fucking dressing up - I mean, that's part of it, but it's not the whole thing. And, ugh, then I had to feel really embarrassed and dumb. So thanks, Xavier! Thank you for condescending to me even though I needed to be condescended to! Nope, I still have an attitude!!

But to return to me being shallow and learning nothing: When Laurence's hair actually became long I was like: sigh. This bitch needs...help. A double-strength conditioner, for one. I mean, look at this mess when he goes to see Fred after they've been apart for a while. 

Look at that scraggly mess^. 

LOOK AT IT!!

NO!

Wait, but was it necessary for me to cap like three pics off Netflix? YES. Omg I was so annoyed in this scene because he was going to see his 4ever love after he stalked his way back into her heart and he shows up looking like he's never heard of fucking VO5 Hot Oil Treatments. Do they not have that in Canada??? They have gravy on fries but no hot oil treatments? This is why you're America's fedora, Canada. Come on. 

To be fair to Laurence, though, he ran to the door. But even when he did the pat down it was still a mess. Come on, get some hot rollers or some shit. This is not the look. 

But let me stop talking about Laurence looking like a hot fucking mess slash glamazon anyways, to address the performance of Melvil. DID I LIKE IT? I did, I think. I think I bought his performance of a woman in a man's body, transitioning into full-blown bitch. Despite my criticism of Laurence's appearance at times, I was still buying what Melvil was selling me. Probably. I've never cared about Melvil Poupaud before. To me, he's always been just a pretty face. It's like Alain Delon but...less interesting. Like, at least give me a vaguely psychotic vibe. You're giving me nothing. I need my French actors to have fucked up noses or look like demented little Mathieu Amalric-ish type trolls. I can't deal with these pretty dudes. Well, unless they seem unhinged. Or give me unhinged onscreen. François Arnaud shout-out???! What am I...doing?????

But anyway, Melvil was good. But who was really giving me life was, of course, Suzanne Clément.

FUCKING. KILLED IT.

Like, the restaurant scene alone. 

Just, her yelling in that old bitch's face was everything I've ever needed in my life. And look^ at these two entirely different faces/emotions saying one thing. I was feeling weird about her perfomance being the strongest, though. But also, maybe I misunderstood what this movie was really about. I thought, before watching it, that it was going to focus primarily on Laurence's ~journey~. But...the movie sort of seemed to be more of a love story? Or is it just me always trying to force ~love story~ on everything? Idk, but it just felt the movie was about Laurence and Fred's love. Like, the film even ends on their initial meet-cute. And Suzanne Clément totally comes through and does the opposite of snatching hair from roots. She lets everyone keep their shitty, split-endy ass tresses. coughLaurencecough. She just really gave me life for the entire film. She's still not my favorite Xavier muse, though. That's Monia all day every day. 

MY QUEEN. 

Wait, no, but what was this ~review~? I talked about how shitty Laurence's hair was and then maybe trashed Alain Delon? Is he an icon? Like, a respected one? I'm not going to get any letters am I? No, because no one reads this blog. PLEASE SEND ME DEATH THREATS WHERE IT'S LIKE YOU CUT OUT ALL THE LETTERS FROM MAGAZINES AND IT'LL BE VERY THOSE "THREATENING" RANSOM NOTES FROM THE BODYGUARD. Ugh, who ever references The Bodyguard? No, seriously, why am I still alive?

Well I can't die yet! I still haven't seen Mommy!! 

I'm coming for you, boy. Don't sleep.