I am borderline obsessed with pretty much all three. I have times where I completely forget Jeremy Renner exists, so that's why "pretty much", but I never forget Joaquin and Marion are alive on this fucking planet. They are my babies forever. So this movie was a treat. And ugh, I just seriously used the word "treat" to describe anything other than fancy sorbet from a faux-French café on the Atlantic City Boardwalk in like 1921. This is what Marion and Joaquin do to me. They make me use words like "treat". Soon I'll be saying shit like "marvelous" and "amazeballs". NO.
So apparently the director, James Gray, wrote this movie for Marion after she threw bread at his head. She is perfect and everyone else should just fucking die. Also apparently he said he wouldn't have wanted to do this movie had she or Joaquin not agreed to star in it. Which is cute, but I bet he still would have done it lol. With horrible substitutes like Natalie Portman as Ewa and fucking Mark Wahlberg or some shit playing a "kyke" (kike??). Wow, that totally would have fucking happened, right? My god.
So is Joaquin James' muse? It's awkward for me when a director has a great muse and then puts them in...shit? Hmmm idk. I've seen...two other James Gray/Joaquin collabs: We Own the Night and Two Lovers. I vaguely remember hating both of them? Ugh I should rewatch them to see if they were legit terrible, but...my muscles remember hating both of those films and being like: whhhhhhhy can't Paul Thomas Anderson just...work more? Right? Like, why doesn't he Woody Allen out a new film every year with Joaquinto? I am comfortable with PTA claiming Joaquin as his muse if that's what he chooses to do, but not James Gray. Like, are you making a movie where I am forced to watch Joaquin fuck a depressed-looking Gwyneth Paltrow on a rooftop??? And, um, was Marky Mark ~the star~ of We Own the Night? Come on, son! You're doing muses wrong! Just....just no. And...ugh...he wrote this movie for Marion and I'm like.................................................. This mess was cliché as hell and SIGH. Marion pulled it off, of course, and made me forget how mediocre this movie was, BUT WAKE UP, PAL. Don't try to write a ~woman movie~ and then have it be about a helpless bitch serving as the rope in a game of tug of war between two dudes. And of course, she's a prostitute. Couldn't Marion have teardropped all over a triangle shirt factory or while fixing the chains on tricycles or some shit? Dog walking?? I'm sure they had dogs back in 1920 whatever. I'm sure they existed!!
Soooooo lol. Did I maybe think this movie was dumb? idk. Maybe the story? Like, lame. Right? Yeah, maybe. I can imagine someone watching this who isn't a fan of any of the stars and being like "but why?". But for me, I was able to ignore most of the dumbness/lameness to fangirl all over my faves. Marion cried so much!!!
SO MANY TEARDROPS!! Real quick off the top of my stupid head who are my favorite criers: Marion, Brad Pitt, Shia LaBeouf. I need to start...a collection. Like I need to start collecting something and that thing will be my favorite actors' cry scenes. I need more people, but I've got a good start. Marion will be the face of the crew; the leader or whatever. I just wrote all that and yet I am still alive. Sigh, WHAT WILL IT TAKE, GOD OR WHOEVER?!?! (whomever? Ugh, I still haven't figured out who/whom. It's not cute anymore.) (Wait, but was it ever??)
ALSO CAN WE TALK ABOUT WHEN MARION/EWA ATE THAT BANANA?!?
First she sniffed it. And I'm only a little bit curious why she's sniffing a banana. Hmm, she must be hungrrrry?? or whatever.
BUT THEN SHE FUCKING JUST BITES INTO IT!! Ugggggh it's the cutest thing I've ever seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen. Also, do they not have bananas in Poland? Or like, did they not have them ~back then~? ANSWER ME, I DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING TO YAHOO. No one does hahaha! #Netscape.
Oh shit I just remembered Colin Farrell's tears in stuff. Adding him to the collection!! Marion's gang is growing!!! (stop)
Are Joaquin's tears distinguishable enough to be added to my creepy criers list? Hmmm, no. I will start a separate category for Fave Cleft Lips. Obvi, Joaqa Flocka will be the face of the brand.
Can we talk about the end scene though where Joaquin was yell/crying.
Ugh. Where he's talking about all the shit he did to Ewa and how he's "nothing"? KILLLL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Can we also talk about how I totally shipped to death Ewa and Bruno? Even though Ewa sort of deeply hated him and Bruno kinda/sorta forced her into prostitution??? I shipped them from the beginning but obviously I hated myself the entire time for it. Like, Bruno was super gross immediately. But also really pathetic and I felt bad for him and he's Joaquin Phoenix, so. Like maybe if Bruno had been cast with someone else I would have been properly disgusted by him? For instance if he was played by Mark Wahlberg? Or pretty much any one of my non-faves. But actually I think that's how the character was written. Like, we were supposed to empathize with him at least a lil? Or nah??? I DON'T KNOW, BUT I DID AND THAT END SCENE KILLED ME LIKE I JUST WANTED HIM TO GO TO CALI WITH EWA AND HER SIS. No, no...this isn't...some indie romcom. Bruno would have been a hot fucking mess over there, too. Wherever you go there you are, right? FUCKING PLEASE KILL ME GOD!!!
I really loved the performances of Marion and Joaquin in this. They really thought they were in a much better film than they actually were - I love that shit. And I'm going to need for them to work together again because they were giving me everything I ever needed. Shall we address Jeremy now? He who I clearly love slightly less than my fave crier and fave cleft lip haver.
My baby! No, like, I love you. Even though you give me the creeps sometimes? For instance, the Golden "Globes". Also, here. As ORLANDO THE MAGICIAN. I love how you sort of looked like Hitler? Maybe? Also I die for any of my faves rocking that slick back shit with a part on the side.
LOOK AT. THAT. SHIT. I laughed, I cried. Also he was rocking eyeliner. Rocking it. Also Dagmara Dominczyk refers to Jeremy as a "pretty boy" at one point?????
I FUCKING LAUGHED. AND I FUCKING CRIED.
No but I definitely really love Jeremy and his hands and how he looks like a fucking construction worker but is sort of maybe a movie star still anyway??? And I liked that he made Orlando creepy as heck. Like he was shiesty, right? He was a slickster and a loser and it wasn't totally obvious but it also totally was. (He was a fucking magician). Ugh but at the same time I was annoyed because I wanted Ewa to not keep getting dicked over by people (dudes). I was expecting worse, though. Like he got stabbed before he could do any real damage, and that's prob for the best. Wait, why do I think Orlando deserved to be dead and not, like, Bruno? The dude shanking niggas with fucking pie servers????? What is my obsession with Bruno??
OVERALL! I...did I like this movie? I loved a bunch of my faves being all in one place. A lot of times that's enough. Get three to seventeen of my faves all under one roof and I'm not giving your movie less than 7 stars on imdb. Shout-out to motherfucking Wes Anderson, nah mean? (no shade) (a lil shade). But I totally wish this movie was better? Like, more epic? Less...typical?? I don't know, ugh. It doesn't matter, I guess. All three of my babies have way better shit on their resumes I can go watch and cum to completion. But I still want all three of these people back together again in something better. Or, I can just wait for Macbeth to come out and get excited about Marion/Michael and entirely forget about Jeremy again and also Joaquin because sometimes he goes away and Daniel Day-Lewis groundhogs back up and it's like: Joaquin who?? NO, I WILL NEVER SAY THIS!!! No, I've totally said it before. Back when I was all about River Phoenix and was like...angry at Joaquin for being the one who lived?? Those were dark times. Those were thinking A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon was essentially River's Rebel Without a Cause times. Fucking bleak.
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