The One I Love (2014)

I can't decide how I feel about Mark Duplass. Like, I think I hate his face. Also, have I ever liked him innnnnnnn anything? HUH, NO. Yet for some reason I got really excited about Togetherness?? But then I watched it and that probably shifted me more over into the I Wish Mark Duplass Was Deceased camp. Like, before I was in the middle, like...not even caring about his existence on Earth one way or the other. But then I saw Togetherness and it was like "oh, right". And I remembered all the fucking mumblecornonthecob "movies" he's made and how I sort of hate everything about that genre that I think he fucking created. But if he's responsible for splatting Greta Gerwig into my life then, fine. I'll give him an awkward pat on the neck fat for that. Oh I just remembered his Brendan Deslaurier on Mindy. Ugh, I sort of love Brendan. And Mark is perfect for that douchey ass character. But why don't I like him on The League? Prob 'cause I'm sort of "eh" on The League. Like Rafi is my queen and I love Ruxin but...they talk about sports stuff sometimes? And also it's very "bro-y", which I fucking hate. 

Hmm, anyway! Mark was pretty...alright here. Like, I guess I sympathized with his character. If Elisabeth Moss wanted to leave me for a ~better version~ of me I'd be fucking distraught. So, I like, was, idk...rooting for him? But also it's apparent he cheated on her? Who cheats on Elisabeth Moss? Have you seen her face?!!?

(Don't answer if you're a Moss face-hater) (No one's going to answer because no1 reads this shit so who the fuck am I talking to??) 

Mark and Elisbaeth play married couple Ethan & Sophie. Ugh, those names. It's very baby names 2003. It's very, like, the names of a married couple. And like one or both is Jewish. But that kind of Jewish where you can't really tell. It's fun to write offensive shit that borderline makes completely no sense. So Moss and Duplass are playing this fucking couple!!! They're doing couples therapy or whatever because Ethan had an affair. Like, lol. Right. With whom?? Come on. No shade even on his looks. Like, Ethan is just awkward as fuck? Who is he doing a sexy affair with? A fucking crossing guard? Like, those ones who carry a chair to their stop? And then take forever to get up from it when they need to cross kids??? And you're telling me Sophie finds this out and doesn't just immediately leave him?? WHAT REDEEMING, GOOD, LIKABLE QUALITIES DOES ETHAN EVEN POSSESS? Oh, he looks sort of less bad when he takes his glasses off?? Well, Sophie falling in love with ~Better Ethan~ makes perfect sense now. Except, no, because she wouldn't have met him had she never visited that creepy house. Like, had she just immediately left Ethan??????

Should I explain the creepy house and the ~Better Versions~??? Again, who am. I. talking. to???  

Okay so Ethan and Sophie's Ted Danson tells them about this house. He, like, pulls out a brochure. 57% sure Ethan and Sophie's fucking therapist just sold them a timeshare. Ted Danson is all "every couple I've sent to this house has come back rejuvenated". I bet. So of course Ethan and Sophie are like "yay let's go". Hmm, but what I don't get is...how does a fucking house save a marriage? Like, how does leaving your house and going to another one...fix anything??? How does moving from one spot of the room to...another spot change your perspective?? Like, I get how literally...but how...figuratively??? Like, spiritually and mentally?!?!?? Ethan and Sophie seem to be in a really awk ass place and I don't know how that's automatically alleviated because they change settings. Is it because this new house...has...a guest house?! A coooooool guest house in the back?!?! That prob Ethan and Sophie's regular house doesn't have?!?!!?

Long story short: this timeshare Ted Danson sells them has like aliens or some shit. Robots or some shit. Apparitions or some shit. Like, aborted twin...ghosts????!?!? You know, I read a ton of annoying reviews about this movie before actually watching it. I like to do that. Torture myself reading a ton of reviews written by annoying ass people such as myself, going on and on about blah blah blah. I do this a lot with movies I really want to see but have no access to yet (ie: I live in NJ and also am poooooooooor). Like, I've been doing this with Whiplash and Birdman for a year??? And Birdman is up on itunes now, but what did I do? Did I pay $15 to see that shit? No. I bought Tinahsé's album. Because I don't give A FUCK about ANYTHING. 

Anyway, all these reviews I read about The One I Love mentioned "sci-fi twist" and "shocking ending" or whatever. And I'm sitting here watching this movie like: "This seems really familiar. Like, I've seen this movie a thousand times. Maybe, Mandy Moore was in one version?? James Brolin, perchance???" Like, this movie has been done before. The ~sci-twist~ and ~~~~shocking ending~~ added nothing to the oeuvre. Like, you tried. Annnnnnnnd ya failed. Good job for...your...effort. But ultimately: whomp. Whompity whomp. whomp. 

That being horribly said, I liked watching Elisabeth and Mark. Well, I always like watching Elisabeth, because I'm a fan. She was super creepy here as ~Better Sophie~, and omg her face when ~Better Ethan~ told her he would try really hard to be a better husband. UGH, DEATH. I wish I wasn't being super fucking lazy right now because I'd go look for that scene to cap her beautiful art picture face with the little tears ugghnnjenmjnehbeiwn. Hmm, should I add Elisabeth to my creepy Fave Criers list??? MAYBE. Don't sleep, Marion. (stopppp). I also liked...sigh...Mark. Like I said, I felt bad for his character or whatever I guess. Except, again, he did cheat on Sophie, so...only a little bad. And...actually even less a little bad BECAUSE HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO'S YOUR REAL WIFE AND WHO'S THE FAKE CREEPY VERSION? What a dumb ass. And then he'll just get to live the rest of his life in bliss, happily chomping on bacon and I'm like: siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. And what does Real Sophie get? Is her Fake Ethan fucking dead? GREAT. Good good good. ugh

In summary: I was not impressed, and everyone's sole goal in life should be to impress me. But good job being super obvious with "Dedicated to the One I Love" at the ending. It was, awkwardly, the best part of the film. Keep up the good work!!!