It's Always Lyme Disease: The Punk Singer (2013)

I knew mostly nothing about Kathleen Hanna before I watched this. I've never listened to Bikini Kill, and I had no idea she was in Le Tigre, which I have heard some songs from. I did know Kathleen was some huge ~feminist icon~ just from reading ~feminsity~ blogs and the like, and people referencing her. But I've never felt compelled to do any research on her. I'm black, so the white feminist thing is sort of boring to me. There are exceptions. I...don't even actually think white feminism is boring to me, because there are a lot of classic white female authors, etc who I see as feminist that really interest me. I think this specific...idk, sect of feminists though, sort of bores me. The ~2nd wave~ hos and "different" ~~3rd wave~*~ bitches. Blugh. And, you know, these people from Portland and Washington sans D.C. - uggggggggggggggggggggggggh. But, whatever, I like docs, and this shit was recommended to me on Netflix (fuck you Netflix you cutn u don't f*ckng nough me), so I watched it, because I don't have a mind of my own and can't make my own fucking decisions. Netflix is decidedly anti-feminist, in that way, yeah? And possibly they were trolling me?? Cool! Fucking dicks. Are you gonna text me back orrrrrrr??

So Kathleen is into spoken word shit, but some bitch tells her no one cares about spoken word so she should start a band. Is that how things worked back then? Well, probably in Washington. Or maybe that's how all bands are formed?? Like one lame-ass person really into theatrically shouting their poetry and then someone with some common damn sense reminds them no one gives a shit about def jams, so My Chemical Romance????

There are all these talking head interviews from people throughout the movie talking heading about how like cool and rebellious or whatever Kathleen was and what a force she is and how she held fashion shows in the library at college?? Idk basically she's a white, vagina-having Kanye West? I sort of wish documentaries weren't alwaysalways one-sided. The director or whoever has an agenda/mission and they edit their film to fit whatever narrative they're aiming for. I had an issue with the talking heads here because they were all friends/admirers of Kathleen, but I'm like: Ehm...can I get a Courtney Love interview??? Why did she punch her? Oh, it was random? Yeah, we'll see lol. But idk, I guess I'm weird for wanting ~varying voices~ in the film. Like the closest they get is that Beastie Boy Kathleen marries lol. I was seriously like what? But it's not like he's Eminem. Ugh, I wish. How amazingly horrible would that mess be??? Wow, please happen. Plz divorce ur hot beastie boy husband, Kathleen, and get with crazy eyes Eminem and plz have discussions about his lyrics and him fantasizing about punching iggy australia or lana or both?? Probably both!!

Hmm. I also maybe had an issue with Kathleen? She seemed maybe false? Like maybe she was lying about stuff? I don't know, the thing that really piqued my suspicions was when she told that story about her mom letting her fall and then her mom told her "never trust anyone - not even your mother" -  that is verbatim a scene from Wetlands, which came from a book by Charlotte Roche??? So who stole from whom? Maybe no one stole, maybe this is a thing all crazy white mothers are out here "teaching" their daughters, but my eyes are hella squinted. 

Do you think Kathleen was lying about having lyme disease? Because, seriously - who has Lyme disease? Late stage Lyme disease. CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW EXCITED I WAS WHEN I GUESSED SHE HAD THE BIG L??? Like, I actually cheered. Because I'm a horrible fucking monster, that's why! Ugh, can I have my doctor degree now? I successfully diagnosed this. No, it's not lupus. No, it's not MS, even though maybe I would have pontificated on the possibilities of MS, though my ultimate conclusion would have been, and always will be, LYME DISEASE. No, she's...I hope she gets better???? 

Here are some pics of that man? or woman? who kept saying excitable things about Kathleen. They were amusing. Star of the film??

Nope, still lyme disease.

Punch-Drunk Love (2002)

So I guess this is PTA's (ugh) idea of a comedy. Like, this is his ~sense of humor~. I am...distraught. Paul is screaming for help but no one can hear him because he has a really soft voice. I've never heard his voice, but I imagine it's really soft. Or maybe Joshua Jacksony, where it's sort of deep but low. Okay I think I've written enough bullshit sentences to make it acceptable for me to post a bunch of unnecessary pics of him now. (nope).  

ARE YOU POOPING?????!?!!?!?

ugh freckclelelelslss ur more prone to skin cancer xoxoxox <333333

u look tired take a nap on meeeeeeeeeeeee

NO, I KNOW, YOU TAKE NAPS ON MAYA. WHAT DO YOU TWO TALK ABOUT?? WHAT DO YOUR CHILDREN LOOK LIKE SHOW ME PICTURES ARE THEY ALL HUMAN?? PLEASE DON'T EVER HAVE A SCANDAL! OR, AT LEAST NOT A CHILD MOLESTY ONE. IF YOU'RE GOING TO BRING SHAME UPON YOUR FAMILY PLEASE HAVE IT BE SOMETHING IN THE VAIN OF GETTING CAUGHT ILLEGALLY DOWNLOADING YOUR OWN MOVIES. OR, IDK, PLAGIARIZING A TYLER PERRY FILM BECAUSE YOU'RE 100% CERTAIN WHITE PEOPLE WON'T NOTICE. AND YOU'RE RIGHT - THEY WON'T. 

What did this movie remind me of? Adaptation, right? Yes. Charlie Kaufman-lite. Only a little shade to PTA. Or a lot, because Adaptation is superior. But this movie isn't really like that movie, it just gave me whiffs of it. Ugh. Anyway, Adam Sandler is here and he's playing some weird ass dude named Barry Egan. Okay, let's play Doctor, but the nerdy, losery version of it. Also the non-child abusey version, if you feel me. Don't feel me. But let's, real quick, try to ~diagnose~ Barry. Maybe he has autism. Definitely he has social anxiety. He has anger issues. Probably intimacy issues. He might be...borderline? Borderline what? Like, everything, fam. Barry is trying to scam some contest thing Healthy Choice is holding, to collect a bunch of airplane miles. He buys a shitload of pudding but has no interest in even using the miles. He talks only of how "valuable" the miles are. But why do I get the feeling Barry wouldn't even like sell them? He'd just hoard them and they'd become, effectively, valueless. Like, he has various screws loose. Some of his wiring has been nibbled on. He's a shrimp cocktail short of like all of the shrimp, and instead of cocktail sauce in the glass, there's tartar sauce. Or maybe blue cheese. But most likely, chocolate pudding. Room temperature chocolate pudding. 

Barry appears to be working out of a storage space? One of those places where people hide their drug money or corpses. And he sells plungers? LOL, PTA. YOU'RE A...FUNNY GUY. No, I'm trying to h8 on PTA, but I did genuinely think the movie was funny. But like that sort of funny where you mostly just think it in your head. Certainly not guffaw, laugh-out-loud CBS comedy gold KAHMUHDEE kkkomedy funny. But, still, ~funny~. 

Like this scene where Barry smashes a bunch of glass doors at a family gathering 

and there's that framed photo of Barry over there. That made me laugh. What is that photograph? Like who took it - and why is it so cropped up on his face like that? Lol, idk. I'm nodding my head at you, PTA. Just me acknowledging you exist. Hello. 

One of Barry's thousands of sisters, played by Mary Lynn Rajskub, is trying to set him up with a woman who works in her office, played by lovely Emily Watson. It becomes obvious Emily's character Lena genuinely likes Barry - which........................I have no idea why. Like I guess he's cute, if you go for Adam Sandler (which I do, ugh), but he's a mess. And real-world awkward, not that sort of only in the movies semi-charming Michael Cera awkward. Wait is there something wrong with me if I think Michael Cera's awkwardness is "semi-charming"?? No, right? It's not like I said Jesse Eisenberg. Flat-ironed Jesse Eisenberg. 

But Lena likes Barry despite his terrible date conversation. He told like some random, unrelated story after Lena said some shit and she was like "..." but in a smiley way. Then when she mentioned some story Barry's sister told her, he kept getting all hostile and defensive. If I was on that date I would have been like "oh my hell, I left my baby in the bath!" and ran home like I had an emergency. Which I did, because of that baby I left in the bath. The truth is, it's not my baby. I don't know whose baby that is. It was cute, tho, when Barry showed up to stalk Lena in Hawaii. I think. I guess Lena had mentioned it'd be cool if they could hang out in Hawaii, but that was because Barry lied and said he might have to travel to Hawaii "for business". To sell fucking plungers, I presume??? I'm sure they have plenty meaty shits out there, so the lie isn't totally preposterous. A moment of silence for when Lena asked Barry if he was going to sell the chocolate puddings. I don't know why that was so funny to me, but it was. Like she had no idea what he did, but he might as well be a chocolate pudding salesman??? Good stuff ugh

And I guess I have to address the phone sex thing. It was just a bad idea all around from the very beginning. I thought, when he gave the woman his credit card info and social, that she wouldn't call back. He'd just have his identity stolen and there you go humor. But she, "Georgia", did end up calling back. Georgia is trying to be all sexxxy and Barry is saying all this boring shit about expanding his business and Georgia is like "are you masturbating" and Barry is like "nopesies!". I thought this scene would go on forever with him not masturbating and that would've been hilar to me, but eventually he does and *cringe*!! Then the next morning Georgia calls and I'm like oh boy. She asks Barry for money to pay her rent, he says he doesn't have it. Then Georgia became immediately aggro, threatening Barry and shit - and ultimately this leads to Philly Seymour Hoffman being on my screen!

PSH (ugh) runs this phone sex business and he sends some rednecky/Ozarcky ass goons to collect money from Barry. The way PSH's character talks about Barry is so funny. He calls him shit like "bad ass businessman" or something and I'm like "lol". And the scene where Barry goes all the way to Utah to confront Phillip is super-funny. Phillip's character thinks he's such a thug - it's like, fam, you own a mattress store. Maybe you own it. Idk, Philliam was hilarious why is he dead. Come on, Gods. There are so many other people you could've taken!! You could've taken Kevin James. He's fat and white - is that what you needed?? Take the rest of the polar bears! Take Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake! Smush them together to form one fat white horribly annoying glob! How does Heaven even work, seriously? Or, wait - was PSH a hell get? Like...is he in hell?? Did you think Doubt was a documentary orrrrrrrrrr?!

The Woman Who Wasn't There (2012)

I pretty much solely wanted to watch this because of the creepy ass poster. It's like a watercolor portrait and it's unnerving me the fuck out. Then when you actually watch the movie and see Tania's real-life human face for the first time...it's even creepier? 

No? Maybe she looks like Grimace but he spent the night outside on the porch in the rain and now it's sunny and morning and all his color has been drained and he's just like this super-diluted, smiling blob?? Hmm, should I be coming for Tania's looks? Like I want to so much, but I don't want to end up like Christine Taylor in The Craft. That's never a good look. And, let's be honest, Tania is probably definitely a witch who could make me get alopecia. Or she at least has connections with some sort of demonic force.

Not that I think she's evil. Evil is comedies on CBS. Tania is just...a freak? Also when they explained her family and what happened with her dad and brothers it just became really clear she came from a family of amoral liar-types. So it makes sense she'd do something like this. I'm sure her criminal ass family would be very proud. Still, even vaguely understanding her background, the question of "Who would do something like this?" does not go away. Also, maybe Tania is more than a freak. Straight-up, lying about being a 9/11 widow is, frankly, insaney. She's a fucking nutjob. Like, a legit one. Not like in an omg she's totes on her period, bro sort of way. Like, probably if this was 1873 (idk) Tania would've been sterilized and, thus, ineligible for menstrual cycles!!

Who...FIRST OF ALL, she obviously did a fair amount of research to look up who exactly she could claim as her dead husband that no one would come out of the woodworks to be like, "wait - no, he's my husband/son/bro/friend", and call Ms. Head out on her shit. Right? ~Dave~ must not have had any close relationships, correct? Because wouldn't someone have come forward like LOL HAHA NOOO NOPE. NO, SIR, SORRRRRY. WRONG. Right? Or was Tania just going around talking about her husband "Dave" just saying "Dave" and none of his people were really paying attention like, wait - is this washed-out Grimace-looking ho talking about our Dave? Wait - is there another McDonald's mascot thing? One that's like a giant chicken nugget? 

Okay so I just seriously derailed to start looking up info on "McDonaldland" characters. Apparently Grimace used to be "evil" and he originally debuted "with two pairs of arms with which to steal milkshakes and pops". Wtf is "pops"? Soda? Because McD's doesn't have icepops, oui? But no one calls the plural of soda "pops", not even those idiots from the South. I honestly just realized "two pairs of arms". He had two pairs of arms omg. But then they took his extra pair of arms away in 1974, despite the fact that they uneviled him in 1972. So he was just walking around with this extra pair of stealing arms for two years and wasn't even allowed to steal "pops" anymore. Bummer. I'm starting to feel a little bad for Grimace? And, by proxy, Tania??? Omg McDonaldland's "wikia" page goes on to describe Grimace as a "well-meaning simpleton". Is he...retarded? Oh boy. Also they made Grimace look more PC in the eighties (prob due to AIDS), changing him from "a giant purple slob with a pink mouth and small pupils" to "a gentle giant with movable eyebrows and eyelids, and a more kid-friendlier smile with a black mouth and a pink tongue". Lame.   

I guess this 

is the less kid-friendly Grimace from the seventies. Wait but how does current-day 

Grimace look less-slob?? Oh, they're just using "gentle giant" as a pc-update euphemism?? And I guess his eye-area is less horrifying? It depends on your sensibilities, really. What gives you nightmares might be another's cup of valerian root and chamomile tea, ya feel me? 

Also there are mcnugget characters, but none of them are giant. There all nugget-sized

How original. And what's up with my dude's shape-up? You look a mess. And what is that belt for?? What is it holding up? Come on, you're a fucking chicken nugget!!

Wait - what...have I done?

 

Porn 4 Me: Starred Up (2013)

This movie has...multiple things that I am very much here for. 

1. Ben Mendelsohn, my queen. I am obsessed with him to the point that it's getting illegal-seeming. And why does he maybe look like something that would be from Whoville but maybe exiled to whatever their version of a leper colony would be??? And why does that make me love him so much more than all the other plebeian actors who exist with the exception of like Tom Hardy and Eva Green and a bunch of other people lol but you get the point. He's top tier in my heart and he's here and I want to fucking die. Like, and he's not only just here. He's playing 

2. Jack O'Connell's fucking daddy. Yo, I love Jack O'Connell. Like, solely off the strength of Skins. Wow what else have I seen him in to make this less bad??? Eden Lake??? oh god is that it??? He was in This Is England but I don't remember him ugh I only remember that little fat kid and Rudy from Misfits helllp. But I love him and when I first found out this movie existed I think maybe I shit my pants? Let's pretend I'm being hyperbolic. 

So these are two very super-amazing things and really all I need to know. Like you don't need to sell me further information about the film because Ben Mendelsohn playing Jack O'Connell's father is fucking all I ever needed in my life. Like, I was born to see that, so. But then! But then you throw in some extra shit!!

3. PRISON SHIT. These niggas are in prison. Man-rapey ass prison. Except this is in Britain or something and I don't think their prisons do man-rape. Which is lowkey a bummer. But still, prison! I both love and hate prison shit. Like have you ever seen Oz? That show will fuck you up. And it's one of my favorites of all time but I really...I really feel wrong about declaring that. Another one of my favorite prison things is this James Cagney movie Each Dawn I Die. Yo, be still my beating heart, fo real. James Cagney totally falls in love with George Raft and that is 100% all that movie is about try to fucking tell me differently. Sometimes, though, prison stuff just makes me mad. Shit like Dog Pound. See also: Oz. Like, all that fucking violence really gets to me. Aww boo hoo or whatever, but seriously. Like, I don't want to see people get repeatedly punched in the face and like beaten with sticks and shit what don't you understand orrrrrrrr?????????? So prison stuff will give me horrible violence shit but then they'll also give me

4. GAY SHIT. I'm only a little mad I didn't get any anal penetration please engrave that on my tombstone. But Starred Up definitely delivered on gay shit, and not just like obviously gay stuff with Benny Mendy kissing on his bunkmate. They also gave me ~the other~ type of gay shit: like man emotions and all that jazz. Bro hugs and bro tears and shit. And I praise this movie very much for doing an almost mostly good job at making a prison movie tailor-made for my very specific, disgusting, highly disturbing sensibilities. 

Okay so instead of ~recapping~ this movie or whatever I'll just write little commentary for the embarrassing amount of screenshots I took while watching. I TRIED SO HARD TO NOT. I wanted to really not and honestly I am very proud of myself for holding back and not just pressing the camera button thing on my keypad every time Jack O'Connell was walking around in a sweatshirt which is like 77% of the movie when he isn't showering or inexplicably wearing a hazmat suit??? But. I did take a bunch of screenshots. So I will post them now and ugh sigh write shit about them sigh die. 

So. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy do these inmates have access to razors and like lighters? Come on, Britain. I could see if this was Canada. Like, what is some little bag of milk drinking French Canadian fairyboy going to do with a toothbrush besides keep their oral hygiene up to date?? Britain has chavs and street tuffs. People from council estates who seem even worse than American White Trash because how are you ghetto but your country has a Queen??? Liiiiiiiiiiiiike, get your life really fucking together, please! Anyway I took this screenshot because I was just wondering why he had access to these items. Also in his little kit he had like gummi bears and a boombox AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW ALL THE CELLS HAD LIKE FULL-ON KITCHEN SET-UPS WITH LIKE KETTLES AND TEA AND MUGS AND SUGAR. The fucking works, b. Does that happen in America? I can definitely see that happening at white collar prisons, but not some prison like this with niggas locked up for murder and assault and shit. But, again, they don't do man-rape in the British penal system, so I guess tea kettles are cool. But razors, tho??? Come on. Wait I feel like they have razors in American prisons too because remember on Oz how everyone had like a shiv so yeaaaaah nvm

7:49. I really thought I was doing something waiting until like seven minutes in before screencapping shit. And screencapping it horribly because wtf is this. But I thought it was amusing he had like two bottles of fucking baby oil. WHAT IS THAT FOR, MY PAL? Okay, so maybe he uses it to moisturize his skin after shower time. Later in the movie, tho, Jack's character Eric uses like both bottles to clean up a bunch of blood from his cell and also to slather his body in to make it more difficult for the swat team to capture him??????????????????????????????????? No mention is made, however, of the bebe oil being used as a masturbatory aid. Hmmm come to think, no one ever masturbates in this movie lol okay person who wrote this. Okay. Whatevvvvvveeeeerrr you sayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. 

SO THIS IS WHEN BENNY MENDY FINALLY SHOWS UP AND I WANTED TO DIE BECAUSE HE IS LIKE IMMEDIATELY ORDERING JACK O'CONNELL AROUND AND I WAS LIKE UGH. I thought it was weird how easily Eric caved to his dad and how quickly scared he'd get. Like, you're supposed to be ~tuff~. It was a little obvious, but also, I guess, true. And it made sense that the one person who could really get to Eric would be his dad. Like, his Achilles heel, I guess. But I did really think it was funny how teenagey he seemed in his presence. Like he's trying so hard to be a thug and then his daddy comes around and he's getting all snivelly - I. DIED. Can we also fucking talk about how Ben Mendelsohn's character is named Neville? STOP. 

I almost didn't take a screenshot of this, but Eric has his teeth latched on this dude's dick for like five minutes straight. It was continuing so long that it was becoming too funny to me so I was like no I need a picture of this lol. But it's like an ~~intense~~ scene, so I was trying to stay in the ~~intensity~~ of the moment and not be weird and take pictures of this and laugh, but I couldn't hold it in ugh. Eric is insane and I don't know how he wasn't immediately put into solitary confinement like what is this how do you work Britain do you think you are Canada orrr. No, why do I keep shading Canada as if I didn't watch Dog Pound and want to kill myself afterward hmmm?? Omg can you imagine Atom Egoyan making some terrible prison movie? There would, 100%, be man-rape, and it'd be the worst man-rape ever to man-rape onscreen. But also it'd be an Atom Egoyan film. What to do what to do. If he casts Ryan Reynolds as a sadistic warden in another vain attempt to get him some Oscar love I will absolutely fucking watch that mess. Please cast a bunch of ambiguous Asian-looking Eskimo types, and like a bunch of Iranian-types with curly hair and they're so delicate and child molesters. Ugh I should be Atom Egoyan, I'd be so much better at it. 

Eric basically beats up the Crazy Eyes of this prison. Come on, fam. Who fucks up Crazy Eyes? Who are you - Vee? Ugh, I wish. Pour one out for Vee, for real. But I liked this^ scene and the shit that follows with Eric stealing gum or whatever from that guy's room and then like hiding in his cell and laughing at the dude going around yelling WHO FUCKED WITH MY SHIT or whatever. Ugh, Jack O'Connell's teeth are my sexual orientation maybe??? So proud of myself for not screenshotting, like, just his teeth and that's it. Plz can I be normal? Plz can someone else out here be making a Jack O'Connell's Tiny Shark Teeth scrapbook so I don't have to??? Like sell that shit on Etsy or whatever and I can buy it. I feel less-worse buying it than actually making it myself? Wait - but, why?????? 

This was when Neville like interrupted the ~~group~~ thing Rupert Friend does with some of the inmates, to tell Eric to behave. I don't know exactly what this group thing is. They call it "class", I think, but there's no like book learning or anything like that. It seems pretty straightforwardly an unofficial group therapy sort of thing. For the guys with anger issues, whom I think Rupert ~sees something~ in. Like, they can be salvaged or whatever. I think this is the first time Eric goes to class and Neville is on his ass to listen and follow instructions and not fuck up. Eric is smoking in class and Rupert is like "no smoking" but Eric keeps smoking so Neville bursts in and gets all in his face and it's super embarrassing for Eric and I think Rupert tells Neville to leave and lol afterwards he's like ^[that face] "Who was that?" It was so funny to me omg. Like Rupert's clenched jaw and O'Connell's sad little embarrassed face ugggggggggggh. I hate this movie please stop existing pleassseeeeekjnrnek. 

Should I talk about Rupert? Too lazy to look up his character's name which I don't remember so I will just call him Rupert omg his actual human name is Rupert. So, like, what was his deal? I couldn't figure him out. Lowkey, but secretly highkey, I thought he was ~~~~~~in love~~~~~~ with Eric. Which is...I don't think anyone involved in the making of this movie was going for that but...remember towards the endish when that Older Will Poulter looking dude pulled Eric out of group and Rupert is all like "I want him!" Yo. That was hella weird, right? The woman director person or whatever was like "You need to control yourself" and I completely laughed. She was like "you're getting too involved" or attached or whatever and it made me side-eye Rupert a lot? But I was, like, the whole film. WHO. THE FUCK. DOES THIS JOB. FOR FREE?????????? HMMMM??????????? Yeah, okay, Rupert's grammy left him some money when she died so I guess he doesn't need a paycheck. BUT WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO VOLUNTEER AT A PRISON WORKING IN THESE HOSTILE ASS CONDITIONS FOR FREE SON WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? And seriously, there was something wrong with him, right? He said he was sent away in his youth to boarding school and I assumed for anger problems, similar to the inmates he's trying to "help". Rupert says he felt like he ~belonged~ there working at the prison and it just seems like a really fucked up thing to say and I felt it went beyond him trying to help people who are like how he was when he was younger. Or, maybe he's still a rageaholic and...helping people like him keeps his temper in check?? Like it's his therapy just as much as theirs?? Okay so maybe I worked it out with myself and I'm less suspicious. But "less suspicious" like now I'm at 60% side-eyeing when I was...98? before???? 

This was when Eric was taking a shit.

This is Neville's ~roommate~. Before they showed him I was praying to Allah that he'd be hot. I read some interview thing with Ben Mendelsohn before watching this where he said that his character was maybe supposed to do gay stuff with his bunkmate, so I was really prepared and ready, but I was dreading that they'd bring out some Eddie Marsan-looking type of bridge troll to be Benny Mendy's fuck friend and I was like god, please, no. Like I love Eddie but please no. I was...into his kissing shit in The Disappearance of Alice Creed, but also at the same time maybe I don't ever need to see that again???????????? 

Anyway, this dude is hot, so thank you, movie. Thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!! Muah mwah thank yoooouuuuouoououou merciiiiiiiiiiii

Sooooooooooooo I took like five caps of Neville and his cute ass roommate's fucking ~~passionate embrace~~~. UGH, I WAS SO. EXCITED. I love how every gay thing in movies there's always this manly aggression about it. How is gay sex like not the best sex???? Why can't I be a man just to do gay sex????? It's like tag football but naked? wow that sounds fucking terrible. Also what   have I       fuckking done???? Why do I keep living hmm??????? 

Neville was like roughly gripping his ears stahhhhhp itttt be nice to your boyfriennnnnnndddd

Then Ben Mendelsohn made some like weird little low growly sound GOD HOW FUN THIS SCENE MUST'VE BEEN TO FILM LOL OMGGMGMGMG

Why am I so immature hmm??

It's weird that I don't actually just watch straight-up gay porn. Idk, seems like it might be really gimmicky?? Also, please dude, CLOSED-EYES KISSES ONLY. Or wait - are open eye kisses MORE INTIMATE AND GAY??????????? I want to always do whatever is the creepiest/most awkward, so now I am #TeamEyesOpenedKisses. Turn up.

Wow, I wish I knew how to ~gif~ so I could have a gif of when Eric was in Neville and his boyfriend's bunk and the boyfriend like rubbed Neville's knee AND THEN ERIC'S SUBSEQUENT HORRIFIED/DISGUSTED RESPONSE. uggggggh it was evverryytthhiinngn I evvverrr neeeeeeded. And Neville's little "it's prison" shrug. STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP 

THIS. WAS WHEN. ERIC ACCUSED RUPERT. OF BEING A PEDO. (PAEDO??). I laughed. And Rupert looked guilty as hell. Also, Eric, you're 19. TOO OLD AND GROSS NOW TO BE MOLESTED LIKE WHEN YOU WERE A SEXY TEN YEAR OLD. :(

This is Hassan and...the African. lol no let me go look his name up. Like Trevor or some shit. Tyrone. Coolcococl. Anyway, they were hot so that's why this^ picture. Especially Hassan, yo. Like, look at that beard ugh helpppeppepe mememee this movie has ruinnnnnneddd my liiiiiiife. Wait but why is this the shittiest screencap I could have taken of them ugh I am seriously useless 

Let's talk about Peter Ferdinando. He's playing like some dude who runs the prison, but he's an inmate???? I wanted to take a screenshot of him earlier on because his look is insane with that slicked-back black hair and this fucking gold chain he's rocking and that facial hair lol just everything. But I refrained because I was trying so hard to be normal omg it was so hard and obviously I 1,000% failed. Here^ Eric sort of walks up while Peter is chatting with one of his associates and they just immediately stop talking and Peter is giving Eric SO MUCH FUCKING SIDE-EYE. It killlllllllllleeddd meee. Peter's character was really interesting/weird/sort of scary and I just sort of lived for him. And maybe I live for Peter now? I've only seen him really in this and Tony but he's been super-intriguing in both so maybe I have a new obsession ugh I already have like a thousand wow why is life so hard jesus why have you forsaken me am I not your child or wait is it God who's everyone's dead beat daddy????????????????? Figures. 

Hassan was making tea here and Eric asks for like a thousand sugars in his and Tyrone gives him that^ look. It was funny ugh

NO.

GOD THIS WAS SO FUCKING CUTE CAN THIS MOVIE SHUT THE FUCK UP PLEASE.

NO: PART II, FAM. NO: PART II. 

My overall review: THERE'S SOME SHIT IN MY EYE. OR, ALLERGIES???? LYME DISEASE? IT'S ALMOST ALWAYS FUCKING LYME DISEASE. 

:(

Short Term 12 (2013)

Bruh. 

First of all, I was not prepared for this. Idk what the fuck I thought was going to go down in this movie, but I'm annoyed it wasn't titled You Will Get in Your Fucking Feelings, so I could avoid this mess entirely. Mostly kidding. Like, I love getting in my feelings, but a cool heads up would have been nice. Like, you can just tell by a summary or trailer or whatever that a movie will fuck you up, but I didn't really know too much about this movie beforehand, so I went in way too open. My guards weren't up at all and I'm a little salty about it whatever no I'll get over it no I'm fine. It's fine. 

Okay so before I get into talking in my unintelligible vernacular about this shit, can we all just take a moment to remember when Brie Larson was like some random popstar??? Right??? Her and Skye Sweetnam????????????????? No this happened, right? I will go look it up right fucking now and there better be proof I hope I didn't dream this shit. 

YES!

THIS! FINALLY OUT OF P.E.!! LIKE, WHAT?!!??! No, she was like 15. Also I don't think I've ever actually heard any of these songs but I will embarrass myself by saying I'm pretty sure her videos played during Degrassi marathon commerical breaks on TeenNick. Hmmmmm. I probably used those moments to take shits and get like bagels with cream cheese on them or frozen pizzas that I'd put a ton of extra cheese on. Wait - what am I doing? I just wanted you to know my idea of afterschool "snacks" were like full-on carb-loaded meals and also that I regularly, religiously watched Degrassi marathons. There weren't even enough Degrassi episodes back then for marathons to be acceptable, were there?? Like they played the same episodes over and over again. Not the Manny abortion one though because 'murica. But definitely that one where Rick pushed Terry in that cinderblock garden. Actually, they didn't play that one enough. Ugh, I miss Rick. 

ANYWAY!!! Still talking about Brie Larson! I loved her on United States of Tara. Like, I loved that show wholly and was annoyed af that it was cancelled but they kept Nurse Jackie. Look, I love Nurse Jackie. Or, I love Jackie and Merritt Wever but hate everything else???? United States of Tara was just a far superior show but like thirteen people watched it ugh whatever people have no fucking common sense seriously. Anyway I loved Brie. But like I wasn't thinking about her entering the pool of ~serious young actors~~ you know? I wasn't looking at her like she was Carey Mulligan, or Mia Wasikowska or whatever. So to see her in this movie killing it: I was...happily surprised? And now I'm excited to start watching her career? I read in some profile of hers (actually it was an almost-embarrassing profile she did with Shailene Woodley. Like it was cute but they're...*special*) that she got the Ma role in the movie adaptation of that grating ass book Room? Look I only read like 40 pages of that mess because that little boy made me want to throttle his simple ass, but it really does seem like it'd make a cool movie, so I'm pumped. Ugh, who says pumped? 

So Brie killed me in this. She plays Grace, who...I'm not entirely sure what this place is. It's like a holding center or some shit for bad ass kids? Like a group home for bad kids, and I guess a lot of them have been abandoned by their families. I can't tell what sort of requirements you need to have the sort of job Grace has. Is this like whale training at Sea World? Where you have all these insane ass responsibilites but literally anyone can walk in to apply and you get paid like 10 dollars an hour and then someone ends up getting their legs eaten off and it's like: this job should be more complicated to get. There should be more training and...the pay should be like a million dollars a year??? Maybe????? But anyway, Grace is a "supervisor"...of these little hoodlums. The movie opens up on Rami Malek's first day working at the center. Mason, Grace's beau and co-worker, is telling some story of some kid who escaped the center and Mason followed him around until he shit his pants?? And then this got the kid to come back to the center so he could tell everyone about Mason shitting his pants?? How does this cute story end? The kid escapes again and is found two days later dead in the bushes yay!! 

Let's just talk about Rami Malek real quick. Let's talk about when Jayden spit on his face and he got all disgusted and horrified and rubbed Purell on the infected area. Let's just talk about the screenshots of that I took. 

Look at his pants and his belt and shirt

Hand sanitizer is very drying. I don't think a person like the character Rami plays would ever put some shit like that on his face. He probably uses like Kiehl's or La Mer on his face. No way is he fucking up his cell turnover with an alcohol-based product like that - let's just keep it real. I want (no, need) authenticity in my films. 

And then Marcus came through giving Rami hella side-eye. Glorious. 

My thing is: why didn't Rami run screaming after Mason told that story about the kid he followed? I don't know, I guess it wasn't that horrible, but Rami seemed horrified. And then when that adorable little ginger boy came running out and they had to chase him down??? Rami looked fucking terrified and I was totally him. Like the faces he was making I was making and I sure as shit would have bounced, fuck all that. Or like when he introduced himself to the kids and said how he always wanted to work with ~underprivileged youths~ and Marcus was like WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN??? I would have been like lol byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Byeeeeeeeeeee. Bye byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Like, no thank you. Rami's character really struck me as someone ~doing charity~. Like, he straight up just said that. This was a temporary thing for him, so it was weird he put up with all the crazy shit happening. Why didn't he quit and go work at an upscale soup kitchen in Silverlake or some shit handing out that tea with tapioca balls in it to poor hipsters because ball tea is like so 2000 and late??? Well anyway I'm glad he didn't leave because I love Rami and I'm just really happy I got to see him rub hand sanitizer on his face. New fetish? Or one I always harbored that was hidden but then awakened?? Either way, thank you. 

Wait - why is this ~review~ so disjointed? Anyway let's talk about Marcus!!! So lowkey the true star of this shit was Keith Stanfield/Marcus. 

Right away he was killing me with his deep ass voice and his anger and I was just like: ugh, oh boy, here we go. Marcus is turning 18 soon and I can't even fucking imagine what that's like for ~orphans~. Like, do they not get starter packs or anything from the government??? What do they do like where do they go wtf? Someone brings up birthday plans but Marcus just asks if he can shave his head. And I'm like: ugh, is his only option to go into the Army? That or...for some reason him wanting to shave his head made me think he was going to kill himself? I don't know why I connected a shaved head...to suicide? I don't even think I'm right, despite the fact that Marcus did end up making an attempt on his life later in the film. But the shaved head thing was just...for some reason, making me really upset and sad. And just his body language and performance was killing me and I was like uggggggggggggh. AND THAT SCENE WHEN HE RAPPED. Kill me please. Omg. And then after Marcus was finished Mason was like "....I don't know what to say, man". Yeah it's like really clear anyone off the streets can just walk in and apply for this job lol because seriously. That rap was horrifying but also at the same time I was like: okay where da mixtape at? Like, thinking in sort of an urbanish tone????????? 

I'm glad...he had a happy ending because I was not expecting that. The whole time watching this movie I just got the vibe all bad things were going to happen and it would end on some bullshit. You're giving me Marcus, you're giving me Jayden and her horrifiying octopus leg eating shark "children's story"; you're giving me cutting scars, you're giving me multiple sexually and physically abused individuals; you're giving me Brie Larson looking hella depressed no matter what. Like, she's holding a baby and a cupcake at separate points in the film and all she's giving me is "please release me from my misery". This movie was just giving me a lot of fucking pain and sadness and I just assumed multiple people would end up dead or having irrevocably fucked up their lives--OKAY LIKE AFTER MARCUS TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF AND MASON AND GRACE TOOK HIM TO THE HOSPITAL AND GRACE IS ALL "I CAN'T DO THIS" AND LEAVES. And then outside in the parking lot she's trying to get on her bike and Mason is like "no, we'll just ride together" AND YOU COULD JUST TELL GRACE WAS GOING TO SAY SOME LIFE-ENDING SHIT TO HIM. AND SHE DID. And Mason's face is like

He's just staring at her like this AND I WANTED TO THROW UP. I hate this movie seriously. Like it was good but I wish it would burn to the fucking ground. No, you know, I felt like that at this^ point and when Grace was fired - but the end...ugh thank god was...uplifting. Jesus, thank god because I was really getting fucking pissed off lol it was just too much. However, had it ended...on a bad note I probably still would've been here for it because I do love unhappy endings but idk this is a rare instance where a "nicer" ending was very much fucking welcome. Like maybe I almost cheered seeing little gingerboy tie that flag around him and come running out of the building???? 

Ugh, this movie, yo. 

This is the type of shit that should be getting Oscar noms, no????? At least for acting???? But, no, I know that shit is all politics and if your studio or whatever can afford a campaign fine whatever. But it would be nice to see more movies like this up for nominations. I'm sure it got other awards, especially Brie, probably, right? I read a lot about her performance in this when this movie first came out so that's good it was recognized in some way. And I'm hella excited to see what else she'll be doing. Not going to see The Gambler tho lol stop that. 

The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014)

So often I am disappointed in horror films. It's one of my favorite genres, but like, for no reason because I hate like 98% of its output. I'm sort of masochisty, though, so I like to torture myself constantly watching horror even though I know I'll likely end up hating it so fucking much. Though I prefer to really hate something rather than have it be like "eh". That was me @ The Taking of Deborah Logan. 

So Deborah Logan is some old bitch and apparently she has Alzheimers. Her daughter, Sarah, has contacted some documentary film crew to...come...film her mom? Because? Something about grant money. Sarah says her mom needs money to keep her house, so, I guess that's why she's selling her out to this film crew???? RIGHT AWAY I was suspicious of Sarah and her motives and I thought this would turn into a daughter poisoning/gaslighting her mommy thing. AND THAT WOULD HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN AN INTERESTING MOVIE and whhhhyyyyy do I always do this, souping myself up with way better plots and shit when clearly these filmmakers just want to be basic and do the same demon possession bullshit that has been done 1,038,973 times before ugh. 

So here's how this basic ass movie unfolds: Deborah has Alzheimers. A documentary crew is filming her for whatever reason. I guess they're making a movie about Alzheimers patients cool beans. WEIRD SHIT starts to happen. Like, idk, Deborah ripping chunks of her neck off with her own hands?? And, she like, throws up a bunch of worms??? THEN there's some shit about some dude in the 70s who murdered four girls and then he disappeared. And, sigh, I guess Deborah killed him because his next victim was going to be Sarah?? This dude has been fucking waiting. His corpse or spirit or whatever. The minute Deborah's brain weakens, he pounces and possesses her. Like, the movie explains this dude can possess Deborah because she has Alzheimers lol okay whatever. Apparently demons or whatever pray on the weak and kids and, according to every other demon possession movie I've ever seen, literally anyone. So spare me with that ~~~~fresh~~~ and ~~~new~~~ Alzheimers brain excuse. Like, I don't even care, man. This was all so formula and I was gagging and not in a good way, ma'am. And then this movie ended on some AND THE CYCLE CONTINUES shit or whatever with like a child winking demonically at the camera??? ugh, and my thing is: How did that little bitch's cancer hair grow back so fast??? Hmm????

Okay but can we talk about the ~~camera crew~~??? And how like lame and annoying they were. The Asian girl with the ombre hair was named Mia and I'm too lazy to go look up the other ones' names and also I'm not even exactly sure how many there were?? There was a white, whiny ass dude with glasses. There was a black or maybe Indian?? dude. And I think maybe there was another one but it's like sigh who cares. They annoyed me by not leaving when Deborah pulled her first "stunt" by ripping her neck up. Like, from there you can see whatever this bitch has goes beyond Alzheimers and maybe seek another subject?? Like. Omg and when Glasses showed Mia the footage of Deborah climbing onto the counter without like a stepladder or anything and she's like "There must've been like a stepladder or something" and Glasses was yelling like "HOW?!?! THERE WAS NO JUMP IN THE TIMESTAMP??!?" and I was yelling that same shit. Do not. Make me. Be on. Team Glasses, Mia, you fucking bitch.  

This

is a shot they included of someone in their final stages of Alzheimers. Right, well if ghastly shit like that happens, why the fuck couldn't you have just made a straight-up film about a woman succumbing physically and mentally to this disease? Why do you have to be so fucking lazy??? Ugh, I'm disgusted. Like, give me The Orphange jammed into Away from Her. WHAT IS SO HARD??

And please stop with the found footage shit or whatever. The ~~~filming~~~ every horrible moment as if your first reaction to seeing any of this crazy shit go down wouldn't be to immediately drop your fucking camera and run screaming to Earth 2. Like people running around in forests with shaky cam trying to escape Bigfoot - fam, lighten your load. Throw the camera in the bushes and book. Liikke COME ON!!! And this movie tried to make it seem okay because there was literally a camera crew in the movie filming a documentary BUT NO TO ALL OF IT BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING INTERESTING WITH IT SO JUST FILM IT LIKE A REGULAR PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE. IT IS ALL YOU DESERVE. 

I didn't hate everything. Jill Larson plays Deborah and she fucking slays. Real quick I will post like four fucking screenshots I took of her when the doc crew were setting her up for an interview. 

SHE'S GIVING ME FACE, SHE'S GIVING ME PEARLS COVERING HER NECK SCARS, SHE'S GIVING ME ANUS PUCKER MOUTH, SHE'S GIVING ME WAYYYY TOO MUCH FUCKING FOREHEAD - SHE'S GIVING ME EVERYTHING. I loved her the minute she turned up onscreen and they were trying to tell me she was Anne Ramsay's fucking mom. No shade to Anne Ramsay but they looked like fucking sisters and I started laughing like hahah lol okay. 

Am I totally bugging or do they look, like, similar in age??? I don't know, I might be bugging lol but I definitely was like "mom????" when Sarah introduced the crew to Deborah. She looks Mom as hell in this pic but when they first showed her she was wearing like some simple sweater or some shit and looked fresh as fuck. Idk, maybe Anne Ramsay's L.L.Bean if the two Ls stood for Lizard Lesbian look was throwing me off a bit. Also Deborah could've just been a young mom. FINE. 

Anyway I really loved Jill's performance as Deborah. She's creepy as hell, but also sort of funny and I was just fucking here for everything she was doing, and obviously she's a star. A star in a shitty film, but a star nonetheless. So at least one good thing came out of me watching this movie: I have another person to get weird and obsessive about yay! Can't wait to force myself to rewatch Shutter Island for what is probably a dialogue-less performance from her yayayyy!!!

Imma end this post with a screenshot from that scene when Deborah was taking that little cancer girl out of the hospital and like started eating that security guard. 

turn down for what?