The Woman Who Wasn't There (2012)

I pretty much solely wanted to watch this because of the creepy ass poster. It's like a watercolor portrait and it's unnerving me the fuck out. Then when you actually watch the movie and see Tania's real-life human face for the first time...it's even creepier? 

No? Maybe she looks like Grimace but he spent the night outside on the porch in the rain and now it's sunny and morning and all his color has been drained and he's just like this super-diluted, smiling blob?? Hmm, should I be coming for Tania's looks? Like I want to so much, but I don't want to end up like Christine Taylor in The Craft. That's never a good look. And, let's be honest, Tania is probably definitely a witch who could make me get alopecia. Or she at least has connections with some sort of demonic force.

Not that I think she's evil. Evil is comedies on CBS. Tania is just...a freak? Also when they explained her family and what happened with her dad and brothers it just became really clear she came from a family of amoral liar-types. So it makes sense she'd do something like this. I'm sure her criminal ass family would be very proud. Still, even vaguely understanding her background, the question of "Who would do something like this?" does not go away. Also, maybe Tania is more than a freak. Straight-up, lying about being a 9/11 widow is, frankly, insaney. She's a fucking nutjob. Like, a legit one. Not like in an omg she's totes on her period, bro sort of way. Like, probably if this was 1873 (idk) Tania would've been sterilized and, thus, ineligible for menstrual cycles!!

Who...FIRST OF ALL, she obviously did a fair amount of research to look up who exactly she could claim as her dead husband that no one would come out of the woodworks to be like, "wait - no, he's my husband/son/bro/friend", and call Ms. Head out on her shit. Right? ~Dave~ must not have had any close relationships, correct? Because wouldn't someone have come forward like LOL HAHA NOOO NOPE. NO, SIR, SORRRRRY. WRONG. Right? Or was Tania just going around talking about her husband "Dave" just saying "Dave" and none of his people were really paying attention like, wait - is this washed-out Grimace-looking ho talking about our Dave? Wait - is there another McDonald's mascot thing? One that's like a giant chicken nugget? 

Okay so I just seriously derailed to start looking up info on "McDonaldland" characters. Apparently Grimace used to be "evil" and he originally debuted "with two pairs of arms with which to steal milkshakes and pops". Wtf is "pops"? Soda? Because McD's doesn't have icepops, oui? But no one calls the plural of soda "pops", not even those idiots from the South. I honestly just realized "two pairs of arms". He had two pairs of arms omg. But then they took his extra pair of arms away in 1974, despite the fact that they uneviled him in 1972. So he was just walking around with this extra pair of stealing arms for two years and wasn't even allowed to steal "pops" anymore. Bummer. I'm starting to feel a little bad for Grimace? And, by proxy, Tania??? Omg McDonaldland's "wikia" page goes on to describe Grimace as a "well-meaning simpleton". Is he...retarded? Oh boy. Also they made Grimace look more PC in the eighties (prob due to AIDS), changing him from "a giant purple slob with a pink mouth and small pupils" to "a gentle giant with movable eyebrows and eyelids, and a more kid-friendlier smile with a black mouth and a pink tongue". Lame.   

I guess this 

is the less kid-friendly Grimace from the seventies. Wait but how does current-day 

Grimace look less-slob?? Oh, they're just using "gentle giant" as a pc-update euphemism?? And I guess his eye-area is less horrifying? It depends on your sensibilities, really. What gives you nightmares might be another's cup of valerian root and chamomile tea, ya feel me? 

Also there are mcnugget characters, but none of them are giant. There all nugget-sized

How original. And what's up with my dude's shape-up? You look a mess. And what is that belt for?? What is it holding up? Come on, you're a fucking chicken nugget!!

Wait - what...have I done?