So Deborah Logan is some old bitch and apparently she has Alzheimers. Her daughter, Sarah, has contacted some documentary film crew to...come...film her mom? Because? Something about grant money. Sarah says her mom needs money to keep her house, so, I guess that's why she's selling her out to this film crew???? RIGHT AWAY I was suspicious of Sarah and her motives and I thought this would turn into a daughter poisoning/gaslighting her mommy thing. AND THAT WOULD HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN AN INTERESTING MOVIE and whhhhyyyyy do I always do this, souping myself up with way better plots and shit when clearly these filmmakers just want to be basic and do the same demon possession bullshit that has been done 1,038,973 times before ugh.
So here's how this basic ass movie unfolds: Deborah has Alzheimers. A documentary crew is filming her for whatever reason. I guess they're making a movie about Alzheimers patients cool beans. WEIRD SHIT starts to happen. Like, idk, Deborah ripping chunks of her neck off with her own hands?? And, she like, throws up a bunch of worms??? THEN there's some shit about some dude in the 70s who murdered four girls and then he disappeared. And, sigh, I guess Deborah killed him because his next victim was going to be Sarah?? This dude has been fucking waiting. His corpse or spirit or whatever. The minute Deborah's brain weakens, he pounces and possesses her. Like, the movie explains this dude can possess Deborah because she has Alzheimers lol okay whatever. Apparently demons or whatever pray on the weak and kids and, according to every other demon possession movie I've ever seen, literally anyone. So spare me with that ~~~~fresh~~~ and ~~~new~~~ Alzheimers brain excuse. Like, I don't even care, man. This was all so formula and I was gagging and not in a good way, ma'am. And then this movie ended on some AND THE CYCLE CONTINUES shit or whatever with like a child winking demonically at the camera??? ugh, and my thing is: How did that little bitch's cancer hair grow back so fast??? Hmm????
Okay but can we talk about the ~~camera crew~~??? And how like lame and annoying they were. The Asian girl with the ombre hair was named Mia and I'm too lazy to go look up the other ones' names and also I'm not even exactly sure how many there were?? There was a white, whiny ass dude with glasses. There was a black or maybe Indian?? dude. And I think maybe there was another one but it's like sigh who cares. They annoyed me by not leaving when Deborah pulled her first "stunt" by ripping her neck up. Like, from there you can see whatever this bitch has goes beyond Alzheimers and maybe seek another subject?? Like. Omg and when Glasses showed Mia the footage of Deborah climbing onto the counter without like a stepladder or anything and she's like "There must've been like a stepladder or something" and Glasses was yelling like "HOW?!?! THERE WAS NO JUMP IN THE TIMESTAMP??!?" and I was yelling that same shit. Do not. Make me. Be on. Team Glasses, Mia, you fucking bitch.
This
is a shot they included of someone in their final stages of Alzheimers. Right, well if ghastly shit like that happens, why the fuck couldn't you have just made a straight-up film about a woman succumbing physically and mentally to this disease? Why do you have to be so fucking lazy??? Ugh, I'm disgusted. Like, give me The Orphange jammed into Away from Her. WHAT IS SO HARD??
And please stop with the found footage shit or whatever. The ~~~filming~~~ every horrible moment as if your first reaction to seeing any of this crazy shit go down wouldn't be to immediately drop your fucking camera and run screaming to Earth 2. Like people running around in forests with shaky cam trying to escape Bigfoot - fam, lighten your load. Throw the camera in the bushes and book. Liikke COME ON!!! And this movie tried to make it seem okay because there was literally a camera crew in the movie filming a documentary BUT NO TO ALL OF IT BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING INTERESTING WITH IT SO JUST FILM IT LIKE A REGULAR PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE. IT IS ALL YOU DESERVE.
I didn't hate everything. Jill Larson plays Deborah and she fucking slays. Real quick I will post like four fucking screenshots I took of her when the doc crew were setting her up for an interview.
SHE'S GIVING ME FACE, SHE'S GIVING ME PEARLS COVERING HER NECK SCARS, SHE'S GIVING ME ANUS PUCKER MOUTH, SHE'S GIVING ME WAYYYY TOO MUCH FUCKING FOREHEAD - SHE'S GIVING ME EVERYTHING. I loved her the minute she turned up onscreen and they were trying to tell me she was Anne Ramsay's fucking mom. No shade to Anne Ramsay but they looked like fucking sisters and I started laughing like hahah lol okay.
Am I totally bugging or do they look, like, similar in age??? I don't know, I might be bugging lol but I definitely was like "mom????" when Sarah introduced the crew to Deborah. She looks Mom as hell in this pic but when they first showed her she was wearing like some simple sweater or some shit and looked fresh as fuck. Idk, maybe Anne Ramsay's L.L.Bean if the two Ls stood for Lizard Lesbian look was throwing me off a bit. Also Deborah could've just been a young mom. FINE.
Anyway I really loved Jill's performance as Deborah. She's creepy as hell, but also sort of funny and I was just fucking here for everything she was doing, and obviously she's a star. A star in a shitty film, but a star nonetheless. So at least one good thing came out of me watching this movie: I have another person to get weird and obsessive about yay! Can't wait to force myself to rewatch Shutter Island for what is probably a dialogue-less performance from her yayayyy!!!
Imma end this post with a screenshot from that scene when Deborah was taking that little cancer girl out of the hospital and like started eating that security guard.
turn down for what?
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