1. Ben Mendelsohn, my queen. I am obsessed with him to the point that it's getting illegal-seeming. And why does he maybe look like something that would be from Whoville but maybe exiled to whatever their version of a leper colony would be??? And why does that make me love him so much more than all the other plebeian actors who exist with the exception of like Tom Hardy and Eva Green and a bunch of other people lol but you get the point. He's top tier in my heart and he's here and I want to fucking die. Like, and he's not only just here. He's playing
2. Jack O'Connell's fucking daddy. Yo, I love Jack O'Connell. Like, solely off the strength of Skins. Wow what else have I seen him in to make this less bad??? Eden Lake??? oh god is that it??? He was in This Is England but I don't remember him ugh I only remember that little fat kid and Rudy from Misfits helllp. But I love him and when I first found out this movie existed I think maybe I shit my pants? Let's pretend I'm being hyperbolic.
So these are two very super-amazing things and really all I need to know. Like you don't need to sell me further information about the film because Ben Mendelsohn playing Jack O'Connell's father is fucking all I ever needed in my life. Like, I was born to see that, so. But then! But then you throw in some extra shit!!
3. PRISON SHIT. These niggas are in prison. Man-rapey ass prison. Except this is in Britain or something and I don't think their prisons do man-rape. Which is lowkey a bummer. But still, prison! I both love and hate prison shit. Like have you ever seen Oz? That show will fuck you up. And it's one of my favorites of all time but I really...I really feel wrong about declaring that. Another one of my favorite prison things is this James Cagney movie Each Dawn I Die. Yo, be still my beating heart, fo real. James Cagney totally falls in love with George Raft and that is 100% all that movie is about try to fucking tell me differently. Sometimes, though, prison stuff just makes me mad. Shit like Dog Pound. See also: Oz. Like, all that fucking violence really gets to me. Aww boo hoo or whatever, but seriously. Like, I don't want to see people get repeatedly punched in the face and like beaten with sticks and shit what don't you understand orrrrrrrr?????????? So prison stuff will give me horrible violence shit but then they'll also give me
4. GAY SHIT. I'm only a little mad I didn't get any anal penetration please engrave that on my tombstone. But Starred Up definitely delivered on gay shit, and not just like obviously gay stuff with Benny Mendy kissing on his bunkmate. They also gave me ~the other~ type of gay shit: like man emotions and all that jazz. Bro hugs and bro tears and shit. And I praise this movie very much for doing an almost mostly good job at making a prison movie tailor-made for my very specific, disgusting, highly disturbing sensibilities.
Okay so instead of ~recapping~ this movie or whatever I'll just write little commentary for the embarrassing amount of screenshots I took while watching. I TRIED SO HARD TO NOT. I wanted to really not and honestly I am very proud of myself for holding back and not just pressing the camera button thing on my keypad every time Jack O'Connell was walking around in a sweatshirt which is like 77% of the movie when he isn't showering or inexplicably wearing a hazmat suit??? But. I did take a bunch of screenshots. So I will post them now and ugh sigh write shit about them sigh die.
So. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy do these inmates have access to razors and like lighters? Come on, Britain. I could see if this was Canada. Like, what is some little bag of milk drinking French Canadian fairyboy going to do with a toothbrush besides keep their oral hygiene up to date?? Britain has chavs and street tuffs. People from council estates who seem even worse than American White Trash because how are you ghetto but your country has a Queen??? Liiiiiiiiiiiiike, get your life really fucking together, please! Anyway I took this screenshot because I was just wondering why he had access to these items. Also in his little kit he had like gummi bears and a boombox AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW ALL THE CELLS HAD LIKE FULL-ON KITCHEN SET-UPS WITH LIKE KETTLES AND TEA AND MUGS AND SUGAR. The fucking works, b. Does that happen in America? I can definitely see that happening at white collar prisons, but not some prison like this with niggas locked up for murder and assault and shit. But, again, they don't do man-rape in the British penal system, so I guess tea kettles are cool. But razors, tho??? Come on. Wait I feel like they have razors in American prisons too because remember on Oz how everyone had like a shiv so yeaaaaah nvm
7:49. I really thought I was doing something waiting until like seven minutes in before screencapping shit. And screencapping it horribly because wtf is this. But I thought it was amusing he had like two bottles of fucking baby oil. WHAT IS THAT FOR, MY PAL? Okay, so maybe he uses it to moisturize his skin after shower time. Later in the movie, tho, Jack's character Eric uses like both bottles to clean up a bunch of blood from his cell and also to slather his body in to make it more difficult for the swat team to capture him??????????????????????????????????? No mention is made, however, of the bebe oil being used as a masturbatory aid. Hmmm come to think, no one ever masturbates in this movie lol okay person who wrote this. Okay. Whatevvvvvveeeeerrr you sayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
SO THIS IS WHEN BENNY MENDY FINALLY SHOWS UP AND I WANTED TO DIE BECAUSE HE IS LIKE IMMEDIATELY ORDERING JACK O'CONNELL AROUND AND I WAS LIKE UGH. I thought it was weird how easily Eric caved to his dad and how quickly scared he'd get. Like, you're supposed to be ~tuff~. It was a little obvious, but also, I guess, true. And it made sense that the one person who could really get to Eric would be his dad. Like, his Achilles heel, I guess. But I did really think it was funny how teenagey he seemed in his presence. Like he's trying so hard to be a thug and then his daddy comes around and he's getting all snivelly - I. DIED. Can we also fucking talk about how Ben Mendelsohn's character is named Neville? STOP.
I almost didn't take a screenshot of this, but Eric has his teeth latched on this dude's dick for like five minutes straight. It was continuing so long that it was becoming too funny to me so I was like no I need a picture of this lol. But it's like an ~~intense~~ scene, so I was trying to stay in the ~~intensity~~ of the moment and not be weird and take pictures of this and laugh, but I couldn't hold it in ugh. Eric is insane and I don't know how he wasn't immediately put into solitary confinement like what is this how do you work Britain do you think you are Canada orrr. No, why do I keep shading Canada as if I didn't watch Dog Pound and want to kill myself afterward hmmm?? Omg can you imagine Atom Egoyan making some terrible prison movie? There would, 100%, be man-rape, and it'd be the worst man-rape ever to man-rape onscreen. But also it'd be an Atom Egoyan film. What to do what to do. If he casts Ryan Reynolds as a sadistic warden in another vain attempt to get him some Oscar love I will absolutely fucking watch that mess. Please cast a bunch of ambiguous Asian-looking Eskimo types, and like a bunch of Iranian-types with curly hair and they're so delicate and child molesters. Ugh I should be Atom Egoyan, I'd be so much better at it.
Eric basically beats up the Crazy Eyes of this prison. Come on, fam. Who fucks up Crazy Eyes? Who are you - Vee? Ugh, I wish. Pour one out for Vee, for real. But I liked this^ scene and the shit that follows with Eric stealing gum or whatever from that guy's room and then like hiding in his cell and laughing at the dude going around yelling WHO FUCKED WITH MY SHIT or whatever. Ugh, Jack O'Connell's teeth are my sexual orientation maybe??? So proud of myself for not screenshotting, like, just his teeth and that's it. Plz can I be normal? Plz can someone else out here be making a Jack O'Connell's Tiny Shark Teeth scrapbook so I don't have to??? Like sell that shit on Etsy or whatever and I can buy it. I feel less-worse buying it than actually making it myself? Wait - but, why??????
This was when Neville like interrupted the ~~group~~ thing Rupert Friend does with some of the inmates, to tell Eric to behave. I don't know exactly what this group thing is. They call it "class", I think, but there's no like book learning or anything like that. It seems pretty straightforwardly an unofficial group therapy sort of thing. For the guys with anger issues, whom I think Rupert ~sees something~ in. Like, they can be salvaged or whatever. I think this is the first time Eric goes to class and Neville is on his ass to listen and follow instructions and not fuck up. Eric is smoking in class and Rupert is like "no smoking" but Eric keeps smoking so Neville bursts in and gets all in his face and it's super embarrassing for Eric and I think Rupert tells Neville to leave and lol afterwards he's like ^[that face] "Who was that?" It was so funny to me omg. Like Rupert's clenched jaw and O'Connell's sad little embarrassed face ugggggggggggh. I hate this movie please stop existing pleassseeeeekjnrnek.
Should I talk about Rupert? Too lazy to look up his character's name which I don't remember so I will just call him Rupert omg his actual human name is Rupert. So, like, what was his deal? I couldn't figure him out. Lowkey, but secretly highkey, I thought he was ~~~~~~in love~~~~~~ with Eric. Which is...I don't think anyone involved in the making of this movie was going for that but...remember towards the endish when that Older Will Poulter looking dude pulled Eric out of group and Rupert is all like "I want him!" Yo. That was hella weird, right? The woman director person or whatever was like "You need to control yourself" and I completely laughed. She was like "you're getting too involved" or attached or whatever and it made me side-eye Rupert a lot? But I was, like, the whole film. WHO. THE FUCK. DOES THIS JOB. FOR FREE?????????? HMMMM??????????? Yeah, okay, Rupert's grammy left him some money when she died so I guess he doesn't need a paycheck. BUT WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO VOLUNTEER AT A PRISON WORKING IN THESE HOSTILE ASS CONDITIONS FOR FREE SON WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? And seriously, there was something wrong with him, right? He said he was sent away in his youth to boarding school and I assumed for anger problems, similar to the inmates he's trying to "help". Rupert says he felt like he ~belonged~ there working at the prison and it just seems like a really fucked up thing to say and I felt it went beyond him trying to help people who are like how he was when he was younger. Or, maybe he's still a rageaholic and...helping people like him keeps his temper in check?? Like it's his therapy just as much as theirs?? Okay so maybe I worked it out with myself and I'm less suspicious. But "less suspicious" like now I'm at 60% side-eyeing when I was...98? before????
This was when Eric was taking a shit.
This is Neville's ~roommate~. Before they showed him I was praying to Allah that he'd be hot. I read some interview thing with Ben Mendelsohn before watching this where he said that his character was maybe supposed to do gay stuff with his bunkmate, so I was really prepared and ready, but I was dreading that they'd bring out some Eddie Marsan-looking type of bridge troll to be Benny Mendy's fuck friend and I was like god, please, no. Like I love Eddie but please no. I was...into his kissing shit in The Disappearance of Alice Creed, but also at the same time maybe I don't ever need to see that again????????????
Anyway, this dude is hot, so thank you, movie. Thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!! Muah mwah thank yoooouuuuouoououou merciiiiiiiiiiii
Sooooooooooooo I took like five caps of Neville and his cute ass roommate's fucking ~~passionate embrace~~~. UGH, I WAS SO. EXCITED. I love how every gay thing in movies there's always this manly aggression about it. How is gay sex like not the best sex???? Why can't I be a man just to do gay sex????? It's like tag football but naked? wow that sounds fucking terrible. Also what have I fuckking done???? Why do I keep living hmm???????
Neville was like roughly gripping his ears stahhhhhp itttt be nice to your boyfriennnnnnndddd
Then Ben Mendelsohn made some like weird little low growly sound GOD HOW FUN THIS SCENE MUST'VE BEEN TO FILM LOL OMGGMGMGMG
Why am I so immature hmm??
It's weird that I don't actually just watch straight-up gay porn. Idk, seems like it might be really gimmicky?? Also, please dude, CLOSED-EYES KISSES ONLY. Or wait - are open eye kisses MORE INTIMATE AND GAY??????????? I want to always do whatever is the creepiest/most awkward, so now I am #TeamEyesOpenedKisses. Turn up.
Wow, I wish I knew how to ~gif~ so I could have a gif of when Eric was in Neville and his boyfriend's bunk and the boyfriend like rubbed Neville's knee AND THEN ERIC'S SUBSEQUENT HORRIFIED/DISGUSTED RESPONSE. uggggggh it was evverryytthhiinngn I evvverrr neeeeeeded. And Neville's little "it's prison" shrug. STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
THIS. WAS WHEN. ERIC ACCUSED RUPERT. OF BEING A PEDO. (PAEDO??). I laughed. And Rupert looked guilty as hell. Also, Eric, you're 19. TOO OLD AND GROSS NOW TO BE MOLESTED LIKE WHEN YOU WERE A SEXY TEN YEAR OLD. :(
This is Hassan and...the African. lol no let me go look his name up. Like Trevor or some shit. Tyrone. Coolcococl. Anyway, they were hot so that's why this^ picture. Especially Hassan, yo. Like, look at that beard ugh helpppeppepe mememee this movie has ruinnnnnneddd my liiiiiiife. Wait but why is this the shittiest screencap I could have taken of them ugh I am seriously useless
Let's talk about Peter Ferdinando. He's playing like some dude who runs the prison, but he's an inmate???? I wanted to take a screenshot of him earlier on because his look is insane with that slicked-back black hair and this fucking gold chain he's rocking and that facial hair lol just everything. But I refrained because I was trying so hard to be normal omg it was so hard and obviously I 1,000% failed. Here^ Eric sort of walks up while Peter is chatting with one of his associates and they just immediately stop talking and Peter is giving Eric SO MUCH FUCKING SIDE-EYE. It killlllllllllleeddd meee. Peter's character was really interesting/weird/sort of scary and I just sort of lived for him. And maybe I live for Peter now? I've only seen him really in this and Tony but he's been super-intriguing in both so maybe I have a new obsession ugh I already have like a thousand wow why is life so hard jesus why have you forsaken me am I not your child or wait is it God who's everyone's dead beat daddy????????????????? Figures.
Hassan was making tea here and Eric asks for like a thousand sugars in his and Tyrone gives him that^ look. It was funny ugh
NO.
GOD THIS WAS SO FUCKING CUTE CAN THIS MOVIE SHUT THE FUCK UP PLEASE.
NO: PART II, FAM. NO: PART II.
My overall review: THERE'S SOME SHIT IN MY EYE. OR, ALLERGIES???? LYME DISEASE? IT'S ALMOST ALWAYS FUCKING LYME DISEASE.
:(
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