EW did a "The 25 Best Characters on TV Right Now" thing.

Entertainment Weekly annoys me, like most things, a lot. Usually they're really basic with their lame ass celebrity profiles (Jessica Alba, ever???????) and assessments of shit. And forever late to the party, or too early to the wrong one. But sometimes they get shit right, or at least do something a little bit interesting. Both of those things are semi going on here with this list mess. I haven't seen probably like half the shows whose characters they've written about (Frank Underwood from House of Cards, Mellie Grant from Scandal, etc), so I thought I'd just talk about the characters they picked from shows I do. Literally for no reason. Well, maybe to stave off the inevitable. I'M NOT UNFAITHFUL BUT I'LL STRAY. I'm listening to Tegan and Sara right now as I'm typing this. I still can't tell the two apart. I think Tegan is the one who's in the front a lot and Sara is the one who is in the back a little usually?????? (Fun fact: I ~discovered~ Tegan and Sara while watching that shitty/sort of okay sometimes one-season disaster HBO show Tell Me You Love Me. No one watched that except for me. Guaranteed I am the only person on this planet of not-Jupiter to have watched that show when it aired. Anyway, there was a Tegan and Sara song on that shit one episode. "The Con", I think. So thanks weird awful show for introducing me to my fave lesbian twins. Twins are really creepy. THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON BUT TWO.)

Um, anyway. EW created weird categories to slot the characters in, probably trying to avoid a numbered ranking system and pissing off their readers who are now going to get pissed off because there wasn't a numbered ranking. Ah, here we go. Oh my god remember Cousin Skeeter? *shudders*


-Best Politician in a Comedy: Selina Meyer, Veep

I love Veep. It's funny as hell. I ignored its existence for a while, then decided to ~binge watch~ the first two seasons and became happily hooked. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is just funny. No tryhardiness. She just turns her head or takes a step forward and I'm dead. Great comedienne. I feel like Jerry Lewis or some shit genuinely using the word "comedienne". Now on to me deciding if Selina is my favesies out of all the cast. I think...this is a real ensemble cast for me. Anytime someone gets fired or has their job threatened on the show, I get scared. I don't want anyone to leave. Like, at one point I thought they were going to get rid of Jonah. DEVASTATED. Or Dan. NOO. I can't pick a favorite. But keep Gary Cole forever please thank you.


-Best Love Junkie: Mindy Lahiri, The Mindy Project 

Mindy is probably my fave comedy on TV right now. Which is tough to proclaim because Comedy Central is really killing it with at least five series I'm currently in love with. Really in love with. But Mindy is like event TV for me at this point. Not even just because of Mindy + Danny's loveship. But also because Morgan, Peter, RayRon and Tamra exist. And those guest stars (Tim Daly, hoo boy). And also just because of Mindy. She has me in death stitches on this show every episode. She's a mess in a colorful dress (*sound of me roundhouse kicking myself to death*) and I love her like the HIV/AIDS virus loves condom-free sex. Team latex allergies!


-Best Straight Man: Capt. Ray Holt, Brooklyn 99

My boo. Star of the show. A pretty pretty princess. Should have received that Globes nom over Samberg. I think he got an Emmy nom, though, so that's what's fucking up. So doubly amped for season deux. More scenes with him and his husband and him and anyone and him and just him. What if this show was just Ray sitting in his office reading papers on his desk but the camera never shows us what they say and there's no voiceover narrating the contents? #sixseasonsandamovie. Is it okay for me to reference that Community thing even though I stopped watching the show past season 3?? What are you gonna do? *snooty American Girl voice* Call the police? 


-Best Adman: Roger Sterling, Mad Men 

That would be Peggy. Or Pete. OR GINSBERG. Oh, god. Have you seen the trailers for that new show Ben Feldman is going to be on in the fall? For whyyyy? I hate being a fan of actors like him. This is going to be Rami Malek all over again. Now I'm trapped. I love you and you will never have a really good role ever again. Oh god I just remembered Aaron Paul. Jesus hates me. Dumb, long haired cuntress.


-Best Dad: Phil Dunphy, Modern Family

If it doesn't eventually turn out that Phil molested one of those kids I'll be really surprised.


-Best Dude: Adam, Girls

Danielle Nussbaum says, "The show is called Girls, but the most three-dimensional, relatable, lovable character is a guy." Yeaaaaaaaaaah. Yup. That's a problem. And I don't think it's the audience's fault for just defaulting to that ~man is king~ setting like all the plebs who incorrectly watch Mad Men or Breaking Bad. It's just how the characters are written. And, played. *Pointed tone and look* I love Girls, but no "girl" on the show is ~lovable~. Nowhere. Near. Of course, they don't have to be. Sex and the City, after all, was a wildly popular show. But no guy on that show ever trumped any of the women, in terms of dimensions. Adam is so fully fleshed and then you have Jessa the flaky party girl. Marnie, "Marnie". Hannah, the lost one, and Shoshanna, 25% of the other girls plus 25% blueberry red bull. And she is perpetually 1-D. This show is a mess. That being said, I really love Adam. So I'm glad this show exists for him to keep existing. Two thumbs still attached to your joints!!


-Best Clone: Alison, Orphan Black

Yes. My two favorite clones are Alison and Helena. It's a close race, but Alison wins for just having a few more layers. Helena is a cage animal thing who eats a lot. Alison actually has some human-like qualities to relate to. She's really funny and has an impeccable sassy attitude. And I love her stick up the butt walk. WAS TATIANA MASLANY SERIOUSLY SNUBBED FOR AN EMMY???? This is why I don't watch the Emmys. Worthless. Do these idiots even watch TV? And no nom for Emmy Rossum either? Bunch of dummies. Also, I hate musical fucking numbers. Don't. do. that. shit.


-Best Time-Traveler: Ichabod Crane, Sleepy Hollow

Baby girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl. I watch Sleepy Hollow mainly for Ichabod and Abbie's fauxmancetionship. They're friends, but, like, tighter than that. They're bonded by a common cause. And also likely related somehow (FINGERS CROSSED, MY BROTHER). But def Ichabod is the best. I love watching him operate modern day technology utilizing his old timey brain knowledge. This show is basically a gothic-er version of another one of my fave kinda buddy cop shows, Elementary. Ichabod is basically Sherlock in Civil War garb. And Abbie is so a Joan.

Me: Papa?
Papa: Hmm, yes, son?
Me: When will I be alive nevermore?
Papa: Tuberculosis
Me: *dies immediately*


-Best BFF: Ilana, Broad City 

If I had to choose between Abbi and Ilana I'd choose their illegal alien friend Jaime. Runner up, yeah, is Ilana. Almost as pretty a princess as Ray Holt. I need to know so much more about Ilana's inner life. What's happening there and, if so, does it hurt? Also I need more scenes of her at work. Was she fired? Doesn't matter, do another job for her to completely fuck up in all the best ways. Also I just remembered I need a thousand more episodes of Little Horribles. Let's end this with me just being like, in a too-loud American Girl voice: Ilana's hair! Like, shouting in Forever21 over t-shirts that have the Rolling Stones lips on them but no mention of the band's name. Can you tell the last time I went to Forever21 it was like 2006 and also a Hot Topic?


-Best (S)mother: Norma Bates, Bates Motel 

You betcha! To be honest, Norma could be smothering way more than she is. Norman is allowed way too much freedom, in my opinion. Hopefully that gets corrected in seaz 3. I always refer to a semi-random Italian movie from the seventies called La Luna when discussing matters such as these (to myself, in the dark). In order to keep her son from doing drugs, the mother character in the film begins giving her baby boy handy jays and the like. He's not an actual baby boy, to be clear. He's a teen. But also to be clear, SHE IS HIS MOM. Also I think her trying to distract him with a sexual relationship doesn't even work. I don't remember. CAN TOTALLY NORMAL AND HIS MOMMY GET TO THE BUSINESS ALDAMNREADY??? Can she attempt to blow him at least and he kicks her head away or something UHMAZING like that??? Vera would play the shit out of that scene. Lord have mercy. Please get rid of all the extra ass sideline stories. NO ONE CARES ABOUT ANYONE ELSE ON THIS SHOW EXCEPT FOR THE TWO FREAKS THAT PSYCHO WAS ORIGINALLY ABOUT! Merci.


-Best Fool: Louie, Louie

I don't see Louie as a fool just because he puts himself into humiliating situations. It's self-awareness, which is decidedly anti-fool. Though I guess I'm thinking more about Louie the comedian instead of Louie the character, who can be quite the buffoon. But a fool to me is more a George Costanza-type. Who's George on TV right now? Donald Draper. I don't know how to play this game. But I'm just so happy Louie cast Jeremy Renner on his show this season and also that he did all the things he did on the show when Jeremy wasn't around distracting me from him. Great job! Both thumbs still intact within joints and slowly creaking upwards. P.S. NVR4GT like that twentysomething version of Louie. The guy who played him captured all his tics and mannerisms and his laugh omg it was HEAVENLY. Stoppppppp


-Best Slacker: Erlich, Silicon Valley

Hands down my favorite. He just gets the best lines. Or says them. Is this show sort of improvised or mostly written? Doesn't matter, it has renewed my definitely questionable love for TJ Miller, which inexplicably popped up after seeing the unremarkable Jason Bateman vehicle (redundant) Extract. I love you, Jason. And TJ...mas or menos.

Why did I do any of this? Also, I realized I don't watch as much TV as I think I do, but also I watch wayyyy too much because while writing this I started thinking about making my own 25 best characters list. Because I could do that, with 25 whole new categories and characters up here from like 25 completely different shows. If I had a life, believe me, I'd fucking end it right now. In short, I really need to fucking finally get around to watching Sherlock. It seriously seems like my dream show.

ALSO, HELLO, DOES NO ONE FUCKING WATCH RECTIFY? TALK ABOUT THAT SHIT NOW!

Look at sad little Daniel

CARE!!!!