To start, I watched this "film" in ~real time~. I rarely watch shit that I can't pause so I can go take a dump or get a bowl of faux-healthy trail mix with fucking m&ms in it. But I was scrolling through the TV menu thing when I happened upon the title for this movie. Then I read the description. All I saw was BEAR ATTACKS flashing across my dummy brain like I was having a strobe lights induced stroke. I don't even know if "bear attacks" was a phrase mentioned in the film summary. But it must've been, or else I would have had no interest in this shit at all whatsoever. I had to watch this movie now. (Or, then. Immediately.) Mistake.
First of all, the movie is shit. Second, I had to dook 3/4ths through. But I couldn't pause the movie. I don't like not completing an entire film, so I held it. Until it started turtling out and I had to give up and go unleash the dragon. So I missed like five minutes. From the bathroom, I could hear quite a bit of commotion going on from the TV in my room. When I returned to the movie SOMEONE was lying face-down in the fucking river. Dead, presumably. I assumed it was Cass. BUT THEN CASS SHOWS UP A FEW MINUTES LATER ALIVE AS FUCK. What did I miss?! Actually, it doesn't matter. I did not like this shit one dick damn bit.
What I did like:
-The little girl.
Just to be extra fucking creepy, she was basically the only thing I liked. Like genuinely, instead of ironically or sarcastically or accidentally. I just straight up thought she was cute and funny. More her, less everyone else.
-That guy's face. Tad. TAD. Bang ass face.
(I couldn't find a pic of him from the movie but hoo boy)
And let's talk about how "the niece" chose that fucking Eddie Fisher lookin' ass one over the drink-spiking goddess you see above^. His name should have been CHIP, all caps, he was that cute. Tad was a pretty spot-on enough name, though. And, yeah, this polished piece of shit definitely spiked "Niece's" drink. Like, openly in front of her I think. Superman-handsome AND a potential rapist? PERFECT CATCH. I wish this movie was about a killer salmon or something so that could've been really funny. (No.) Oh, and speaking of THADDEUS spiking ol girl's drink: WHAT WAS HER REACTION?
What a country mouse little bitch. No, actually, she was on a whole other level of stupidity. Like, hi, guys, I'm an alien disguised in human skin stupidity. But only in a world where aliens are dumber than humans. So, in a movie made in the sixties. Purrrrrrrrrrfect. I'm being Eartha Kitt right now, to go with the theme of the prom in all eighties movies. Which is the sixties. Or, late-fifties. Stop being nostalgic for worse times, all movies.
I'm still talking about stuff I liked...about this movie...remember? Ugh
-Making fun of Wilhelmina aka "Billy" aka Sad Woman, which is what I nicknamed her, and is most fitting. She worked in the town's one shitty store and had an inexplicably rabid crush on Obvious Bum. I don't remember his insignificant name, but he was a clear alcoholic. Like, baby girl, get a grip. He'd be living on the fucking streets if it weren't for Barrel Chest letting him (again, inexplicably) tag along. That sad woman was desperate as fuck. Def, this was supposed to be played for laughs, but by the end it started to get a little disturbing. And then Obvious Bum is attacked by the goddamn normal-acting grizzly bear AND DIES. "Billy" didn't even get to fulfill her sad ass, pathetic fantasies. Awkward as hell how this movie tried to end on a happy note. But fitting for Wilhelmina's relentlessly shitty existence. Oh your boo died? HAHA MOVIE OVER!!!!!!!!!
There were a lot of things about this movie not to like, so let's do that now.
1. It was a Western. What is this - 1873? No? So...then...what are you doing? And it's like the least interesting time/setting of history. Oh, Jim needs to buy some livestock? HOW FUCKING INTERESTING. Is Angela brushing her long ass weave strands because back then everyone's hair was super long and I guess they had brushes and shit?! Whoo, boy, THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT! Fuck Westerns unless Robert Ryan is playing a villain or it's called Jubal. Jubal was weird, so I'll make an exception for it. Also, it's called Jubal.
2. The main dude. Jim.
Put your dang shirt on. Holy shit, is that a paisley pattern? Is that blue velour? Never mind, take it back off. Wait, no. Ugh, god. Loosen your belt. It's too tight. EXHALE. BREATHE, you clump of dung! HATED HIM! And not just his awkwardly manly appearance. He was a cunt. He was forever ignoring his wife and he made his daughter sit outside at the table all by herself just because she smelled like skunk which he was definitely frontin' about because I'm sure everything back then smelled like skunk and I never saw nary a one of them niggas showering. AND I DIDN'T LIKE HIS SHITTY PANTS. So, fuck him.
What else? What else? Well, I watched this movie because I thought there would be some sweet bear attacks. But the problem with older movies is their lack of special effects (Did I seriously just write that?). Anyway, they just used awkward footage of a real bear roaming around and spliced it into scenes with the human idiots. I mean, it looked like during the attacks the humans were really interacting with the bear, so maybe they were, but...they couldn't show any really grizzly shit, which - (no pun intended) - is what I wanted. Like when Obvious Bum is attacked they just show like shadows of the bear--actually, I wasn't paying attention when this happened because at this point I wanted to be dead either via bear attack or other equally painful-seeming means. Was I really expecting quote sweet bear attacks end quote? Like, this movie was made in the sixties and not by anyone affiliated with those piece of shits on Syfy.
I think I'm an idiot.
Shrug. At least I'm not Wilhelmina. Ugh, who am I kidding - I wish.
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