Masterpiece of Shit Theater: Episode 1, Perfect Stranger (2007)

I knew about this movie. I think, when it came out, people were saying two things: "Halle Berry the Oscar Winner" with italics in their tone, and "What is this really weird long ass commercial?" I had no interest in seeing this until I was watching one of my favorite YouTubers ( u g h ) Qaadir Howard. He goes on random tangents about basically everything. In one video he was disparaging a popularish film he saw in theaters that everyone else seemed to like, but he didn't. I think, I don't even remember the movie he mentioned. But I do remember he offered Perfect Stranger up as an example of a movie which he did, that had a ~good twist~ that was interesting. Something like that. Anyway, my immediate thoughts were: "There's no way that movie is good." But I was intrigued. No one in the history of life has ever or since recommended this film. Until now. And also when Qaadir did it. sigh

I was sucked into this movie immediately, but I'm not exactly clear on why. In the first scene Halle's character visits this Politic Guy in his office under the guise that she...I don't know, makes picture captions? I have no fucking clue but she has all these photos of this guy on her computer cackling it up with his interns and shit. Right away it's clear he's fucking the ginger one in the pics, who is a dude. (GAY SCANDAL 2007). But it takes Halle's character a minute to reveal she's a reporter calling this dude out - who uses his platform to spout anti-gay gobbledygook - on fucking his crab-crotched intern. In this scene I was really worried this dude was about to just straight-up bludgeon Halle's character, put some rocks in her pockets, and toss her out the window. On fire. But then she says a bunch of stuff that sort of seems like it protects her from him murdering her immediately. It also prompts Politic Guy to be all DON'T PUBLISH THIS STORY I'LL DO ANYTHING!!! Then it's revealed Halle was recording this convo the entire time. And who was on the other end receiving this recording? NONE OTHER THAN !SURPRISE! GIOVANNI RIBISI!

!!!!!

Two things: 1.) I was so happy when Giovanni turned up. I think I knew in that moment, secretly, that this was going to get good. But it wasn't solidified until a scene that comes a short while later where it's clear Giovanni's character has a crush on Halle's. I think I rubbed my sweaty palms together in an I'm about to molest my stepdaughter sort of way, when that was revealed. But more on Giovanni's "crush" later. 2.) The funny thing about Halle recording her interacting with Politic Guy is that it's made to seem like this really revolutionary, cool new thing. Her boss says something really goofy like "YOU RECORDED IT IN WASHINGTON AND IT MADE IT HERE TO NY??!?!?" or something like that (I forgot the exact states he said), but Halle's character answers all proud/smug like "YEP!" It's comes off so ridiculous. But 2007, I guess. And probably this movie was actually made in like 2005. I don't even remember 2005. What was I - like, 15? lol  I watched One Tree Hill on a TV back then. It wasn't even digital cable. My god. 

Okay so back to Creepovani Creepbisi...(noooooooooo). At a bar later, to celebrate Halle's victory in achieving a career-making story, Halle and Giovanni are having some drinks. They're laughin' it up and it's cute and I totally ship them. Then Giovanni goes to get some more drinks or something and kisses Halle on the cheek as he leaves which is awkward but I'm like AW. Then her boss randomly shows up and is like "Watch out, next time it'll be on the lips", which should have been all the warning I needed for Giovanni's entire character (LATER). After that sassy snipe, he lays it on Halle that her story's being pulled. She figures out it's because the paper she works for backed Politic Guy in the last election, and promptly loses her shit. But my thing is, you knew your paper backed this dude. OF COURSE they'd reject a story like this. I don't know, it seemed really naive. But Halle has some pretty great yelling-in-a-bar stuff. She then quits, and races out of the bar into the night timey streets. 

IMMEDIATELY, someone is calling after her in the dark, briskly chasing her in the street. It's unclear if Halle can hear this woman, but I believe she could because when she reaches the sub station she appears to be rushing to make the car in an irritated way. I mean, she could have just really wanted to get home, but when the woman catches up with her after she misses the train car, it's clear they know each other and don't seem to be on the best of terms. This woman with a terrible haircut tells Halle she has a story for her. Essentially that she met some ~famous~ ad guy (It's Bruce Willis) in some chatroom (ugh) which turned into them fucking offline. He's married, she has e-mails. The whole time I'm like "So?", and Halle sort of says the same shit. I think, when she returns home, she looks the guy up though. Which only makes sense when you know the ~twist~, which I don't want to reveal yet because...it's not the right time. Not yet. But soon. (uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh)

Okay. Bad Hair turns up dead. Gruesomely. Oh, wait, first. Bad Hair and Halle had a history. They grew up together. ~Something happened~. It's revealed Bad Hair fucked Halle's boyfriend, but it's clear some other shit went down too. Like, Bad Hair has some sort of hold on Halle (ughguuguh). Anyway, she's fucking killed, so no more of that. Bad Hair's mom calls Halle like MY DAUGHTER IS MISSING AND THE POLICE SAID THEY FOUND THE BODY DO YOU THINK IT'S HER OH GOD. Halle's all like, "No, I promise she's okay". Then in the next scene she's identifying this bitch's body at the morgue. A psychic, this one is not. Bad Hair's corpse is fucked. Not literally (well, maybe). She was drowned, but I think first poisoned. With belladonna. Poured into her eyes and stomach and shit. I think. I don't know, but she looks gross. I'm...not sure who the movie actually wants us to believe killed this woman, but Halle's character is sure it's Bruce Willis' adman. Or advertising exec. Whatever he is. She begins to doggedly pursue finding evidence to prove her theory, with the help of Creepovani. 

Giovanni gets Halle a temp job at Bruce's agency so she can spy on him, but before we get into all that mess, at some point Halle slaps on some slinky ass dress and comes out to reveal it to Giovanni, who made me more uncomfortable than I ever thought possible with his no-hands masturbating ass reaction. The dress is definitely not for him. I thought it was for sleuthing on Bruce. I thought she was going to go approach him in a club or some shit and win his affections just by being fucking Halle Berry. Um, but, no. The dress was for her ex, whom Bad Hair fucked, remember. 

Halle brings him back to her apartment to do sex on him. I must note that when she left, Giovanni was sitting there on her couch eating sushi or some shit. She made some comment about how he should lock the door behind him when he leaves. And I remember being like "Why would you leave him unattended alone in your home, and how do you know he will leave?" SURE ENOUGH, as she's standing-up fucking Gary Dourdan in her apartment THAT SHE THINKS IS EMPTY BECAUSE WHY WOULDN'T IT BE, Giovanni is creepin' around a corner, watching/listening to her circumcise this lightskinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnned dude's penis worm. JUST STANDING THERE IN HER DARK APARTMENT BEING A CREEP. Here, I began making some guesses how this movie would play out. And those guesses were: GIOVANNI IS THE KILLER GIOVANNI IS THE  KILLER GIOVANNI FUCKING KILLED BAD HAIR AND JON BENET RAMSEY AND HALLE YOU NEXT. 

I never thought Bad Hair's killer was Bruce. He barely registered to me as a person of interest. But Giovanni had several flashing arrows pointing at his ass. 1. He's a natural-born creep. Creeps kill. 2. It was made clear his crush on Halle was a little bit more than that. In the beginning, I thought it was going to be a cute one-sided puppy love, we're close friends but I'm too puny for Halle to ever consider me a viable, non-laughable option type of thing. But very quickly he became weird as hell, exhibit a, hiding in this bitch's house, watching her do not-him. Also 3, There was a throwaway mention of him having seen Bad Hair recently, prior to her death. Halle was surprised he'd visited with Bad Hair and wondered why he didn't tell her about it. But Giovanni brushed it off. REDFLAGREDFLAG. 

Despite Giovanni clearly being the killer, Halle goes to work at Bruce's company to Giovanni on him. She's stuffing like Victoria's Secrets bags and other mundane shit.

(suspense and intrigue)

I have no idea if we're supposed to suspect any of these random characters introduced at Bruce's office, BUT I DON'T. So any scenes attempting to portray them in suspicious light are a waste of time. First of all, with a movie like this, the killer is always going to be ~A Name~. So we have three options here: Halle, Bruce, or Giovanni. If I have to look up who you are on imdb, even if you look super familiar and I've seen you in at least three different fucking HBO shows, you are not the father!

Again, despite Bruce definitely absolutely probably not being the killer, Halle strikes up some flirtation with him. Sigh, whatever. He's smitten, which works in her favor when he catches her trying to install some spyware shit on his computer. He thinks she's a spy for another ad agency and gets all yelly. But Halle ridiculously slinks out of the situation by saying she'd just come into his office to deposit a note. Something REAL DUMB referencing a conversation they had over drinks. She even sort of has physical proof to back up her lie. He believes her, and they go out to a restaurant or some shit. They're making out and it's gross, when Halle excuses herself to use the bathroom and probably vomit all over the walls. Dummy leaves her phone behind. The phone rings or beeps or something, and nosy ass Bruce opens it up to be a nosy ass. He reads a text from Giovanni basically saying: NO, YOU BALDING FUCK, SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU. SHE WAS IN YOUR OFFICE DOING SPY STUFF LIKE YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS, YOU PENIS-BRAINED SIMPLETON. 

I decided, after Bruce read the text, to give him another chance to prove to me he was a worthy suspect in Bad Hair's killing. I would study his next moves closely. What he'd do, now that he had proof Halle was lying to him. They get into his car and Bruce is being weird and fake-creepy. Like smiling to himself, I guess. Sigh. He confronts Halle and is yelly again. She admits to being a spy, but allows him to believe it's for a rival ad agency. At some point he attempts to punch her, but stops himself. Sigh. What killer has impulse control? SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH. He lets her go from his car and that's basically it. The next day Giovanni calls Halle freaking out, like, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME BLAH BLAH. She tells him Bruce caught her, and that her gaining access to his computer is not going to happen. Giovanni says something like don't worry, come to my place later and we'll talk about stuff. Halle says okay and Giovanni practically comes in his pants. But before that, Halle goes to visit her mother, who, I think, ...is in an insane asylum????

Now...throughout the film, Halle's been having these weird flashbacks to her childhood which, even though they were all up in my fucking face, I chose to mainly ignore in relation to determining who the killer was. HAVE YOU FIGURED OUT WHO THE KILLER IS? Is anyone even reading this? (No.) In the flashbacks it seems Halle was being molested or about to be molested or some shit by her dad or stepdad person. Then there's a random little blonde girl. SIGH.

After Halle visits her catatonicish mom, it's later and time to go to Giovanni's...living quarters. Throughout the movie, there are several scenes where Giovanni is conversing with Halle on the phone, and in the background you catch glimpses of his shitty-creepy apartment. So it's great when Halle walks into his place and we get the full horrifying portrait. (What's with the candy-colored walls??) BUT FIRST we must address how when Halle shows up to Giovanni's place, he is not there. FOR SOME REASON, he's made plans to visit Bruce's office at the same time he's supposed to be hanging out with Halle. Siiiiiiiigh. So, Giovanni goes to Bruce's office under the guise of an IT guy. He's going to try to install that spy shit on his computer, I guess. Bruce turns up like FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER CALLING FOR AN IT GUY. Yeah. So, Giovanni says something about how when a computer goes down, the computer calls him. Which, NO. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU NO ONE BELIEVES YOU. Bruce is suspicious but only in a bald-headed idiot sort of way. He goes to clear some porn or whatever off his hard drive and makes Giovanni wait. I GUESS Giovanni thought he'd be able to quickly pop in to Bruce's office, install the spyware, then pop out to be at his apartment in time to meet Halle...? He appears to not have expected to run into any problems that would hold him up, which is hella dumb. There was a short moment with Giovanni at the office which made me doubt him, for the first time since basically fifteen minutes into the movie, as the possible killer. He sees these blown-up photos Bruce's wife took of eyes dilated with belladonna - the same shit used on Bad Hair. Giovanni's reaction seems like it could be one of a guy having the semi-shocked version of an a-ha! moment, but also I was like, "He just looks like that because he's being reminded of the crime he definitely committed." I never suspected Bruce's ~no name actress~ wife. Except for one second, then never again. 

BACK AT GIOVANNI'S BOMB SHELTER, he's not answering the buzzer. A person from his building comes out, allowing Halle to enter. She goes to his door, where he's left a key at the top of the frame. You just know she's about to discover some shit. Pretty immediately she hears the sound of her voice coming from his bathroom saying something like, "You're so sexy, Miles" (Miles is the name of Giovanni's MURDERER character) on repeat. Off of the bathroom there is a little room, which is where the sound is actually coming from. Inside, it's basically a bunch of shit cribbed from a magazine probably called Stalker's Fancy. Just a bunch of stolen ideas from better, more daring stalker hovels of time past and future. There are stalker photos of Halle up, arranged in some totally not creepy collage. A weird mannequin thing with one of the photos of her face pasted on it (solid D minus), pics of random naked female bodies posted up, etc etc. On his computer, along with that creepy recording of Halle's voice, are photos of Bad Hair engaging in various sexual intercourse positions with Giovanni. Even more damning, Halle sees Giovanni has been posing as Bruce online, chatting up both her and Bad Hair. While stupidly just chillin' in Giovanni's killer closet, clicking through all the shit on his evidence box instead of setting fire to everything and fleeing to the least sex trafficy city in Mexico, Giovanni comes home, busting Halle. 

UM, EXCUSE ME WHAT ARE YOU DOING, he queries, in what could maybe be considered a haughty tone. Or maybe he says "Who told you to come in here?" Either way, he has an attitude. Which is a little off base. But what follows is a great scene of Halle and Giovanni crying and yelling at each other. It was so cute. Aw, why can't you two crazy kids just learn to work it out? I can't remember if Halle accused Giovanni of being the murderer. I mean, probably. I just remember her saying he needed help. Then, in an effort to save his ass a bit I guess, Giovanni brings up the eye portraits at the agency and the belladonna AND HALLE STICKS TO THE THEORY OF FUCKING BRUCE WILLIS BEING BAD HAIR'S KILLER EVEN THOUGH SHE SAW ALL THAT I AM A SERIAL KILLER SHIT CUT WITH SAFETY SCISSORS AND PASTED WITH AN ELMER'S GLUE STICK ALL OVER THE WALLS OF GIOVANNI'S LAIR!

WHAT?! 

Bruce is brought up on charges and handed a guilty verdict! And I was like...um, okay. I guess...he killed her? But like the whole basis for his arrest was Halle setting up a date with him through the chatroom at a hotel, and the police showing up to arrest him instead. Based on...what, exactly, I haven't the slightest fucking clue. But once he gets a life sentence or whatever I just stupidly accept this as the end, being a dummy and forgetting ~the twist~. 

Giovanni was just a very large, living way past its expectant age red herring. What we get next, after Bruce going to jail, is some voiceover shit from Halle waxing on the nature of humans or some shit. I don't know, I think the gist is...I have no idea. I forget. People are never as they seem? Sometimes even you can't know yourself?? Whatever, cut to Halle pulling a bottle of belladonna out of the bottom of a can of hairspray from her medicine cabinet, then pouring the shit down the tub drain. Giovanni interrupts her to explain what the fuck. To Halle. To explain to Halle why she murdered Bad Hair. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbjhebkhsa djkewjnbfksjn

You see, Halle and her mom were neighbors to Bad Hair and her mom. So they grew up together OR WHATEVER. One day, Halle's dad, or step dad father figure person, is attempting to molest her in the bathroom. This is a flashback, by the way. You can tell because...there's a blue tint to the scenes? (!!) Anyway, Halle's mom comes into the bathroom and kills the dude. THEN, FOR REASONS I CAN'T EXPLAIN, Halle and her mom dump this guy's body in a grave they somehow dug out back their house, which other homes overlook. And Halle's mom is talking loud as shit the whole time about how they can never tell anyone about this. NO SHIT, BITCH, SHHH! Anyway, because they were too dumb to get rid of the body in a more secluded location, Little Bad Hair, from a window in her house, sees all. She basically spends all the following years blackmailing the shit out of Halle - do this for me or I'll tell! (blech) She's annoying as shit and a burden and stuff, so Halle bides her time, waiting for the perfect moment to get rid of/murdermurder this bitch. Bingo, Bad Hair shows up one day with e-mail transcripts purportedly from Bruce. She'll frame Bruce for Bad Hair's murder. Brilliant! While Giovanni is explaining all this, Halle is crying the whole time and also they keep changing rooms and positions as he's talking. Which doesn't make sense. Someone comes to your house and tells you they know all your horrible ass secrets in a long ass paragraph diatribe thing and you're switching from the floor in the hallway, to the couch with your head in his lap

midway through? I think you'd sort of just stay in one place feeling the whole time like you really have to shit. 

Next, they're in the kitchen. Blehblehbleh, ruining what maybe could have been a sweet (in a bitter way) moment, Giovanni decides now he will blackmail Halle. He's standing super close to her when he implies this, too. Saying, like, "What will you do for me?", pertaining to him keeping his mouth shout about the murder. I was just like, Dude, she'll prob just kill you like she did Bad Hair... Lo and behold, Giovanni ends up with a knife in his chest.

Cute. Halle calls someone - her boss, I think - crying like I WAS WRONG, WE GOT THE WRONG GUY, MILES ATTACKED MEEEE! She puts the belladonna bottle in Giovanni's pocket, then takes his hand and uses his probably stubby fingernails to scratch crazy-impressive bear claw sized scratch marks into the side of her neck. Done, police will believe her story. AND YET, as the camera pans up we see there was someone across the way in another building watching this entire interaction transpire. Then the movie ends, focusing on that Peeping Tom Asshole's eyes or some shit. For whatever and UM, OKAY.

Ultimately, I liked this movie. Is it a good movie? NO. But it had some good aspects. Giovanni, for one. And this was the first time I was ever really interested in Halle as an actor. I thought she had some good scenes. And there was some ridic creepy stuff - always my fave. Also, I did not see ~the twist~ coming. Because I am an idiot, though. Now that I know, it's obvious. I ignored like all the shit about her mom and childhood and stuff. Too distracted by Creepovani. I shot my wad too early on. (die) 

Masterpiece of Shit Theater is not about bad movies. It's about movies that are not good in a sense that a respectable sane person would say they were, but that I find in many ways charming or interesting or funny or fucked up or greasy or just too bizarre not to at least a little bit accidentally like. OR, something so bad it's made me physically sick. So either "so bad it's maybe good", or Battlefield Earth. No inbetweenie just-bad shit like most dreck turned out in theaters. After a while, all just bad movies are one and the same. Perfect Stranger? "So bad, you should've known Giovanni Ribisi would be in it, but even without that knowledge, you definitely knew Halle Berry was."

Random last minute aside: Look^ at this balding eagle douche sitting on her desk ugh this reminds me of that episode of King of Queens when Carrie's boss kept sitting on her desk and she tried putting sharp objects up to prevent him from doing it but he'd just move the objects........I really love Carrie Heffernen, is what I'm saying.

queen of queens