um.

This movie was doing entirely way too much. I was entertained, though. So that's new lol. I've watched so much bullshit that I've become numb to a lot of stories. This shit was...different. I think. I mean, I'm sure something almost exactly like this was made in the seventies. They were going really ham in that decade and pretty much covered anything that needed to be covered, that hadn't already. But it's the 2000s, so you can make some horrifying sort of feminist horror remake now and THERE'S CGI! Also Angela Bettis. It's annoying Angela Bettis wasn't around to be in all those horrible grindhouse movies from the seventies. But she's here now, so let's turn up! Or, not? Let's turn down instead? Like, let's brew a cup of chamomile and tuck into bed with a nice book. Maybe The Wind in the Willows? Yes, that's nice. Nice and calm and good and quiet and no one's face is chewed off :)

Did I like this movie? Um. That's an unanswerable question, I think. I can't say no, because my interest was definitely kept, but I also can't say yes, because I felt like throwing up...quite a bit during the viewing? And it wasn't the erotic kind of nausea, you know what I mean?

I'm sure you do!

Mmm, so anyway! I don't feel like pulling away the meat from the bone and like parsing...the meaning of the film, or how it affected me. I'll just say I appreciated the effort. Though...I feel weird that a lot of attempts at making a sort of feminist statement are so often done in the horror genre. What a weird...trend. Do movie makers with these particular beliefs feel they can only get people to listen and pay attention if they costume it in some crazy ass face-eating bullshit? Well, are they wrong? No.

Now I'm gonna post the screenshots I took while watching. I was able to restrain myself a bit while watching, but the downside to me "restraining" myself is that my collection of screencaps makes the movie look like "The Woman" in question was the teacher character with the ugly pointed french tips. And...tbh, she should've been. True star of the film. ~tilde for sarcasm because fuck. no.

Right away I'm annoyed because this bitch is prowling around the woods in a full-on fucking Lara Croft Tomb Raider from the couture collection ass ensemble. WAS SHE OR WAS SHE NOT RAISED BY WOLVES? Why is this ho wearing clothes, AND WHERE SHE GET THAT CLOTH FROM?? Hm?!?! How you wanna be a super-feminist rah rah girls movie--Oh, is she covered up because they think it's antifeminist to have her walking around naked? But nah, she's naked later in the film? I don't remember if she was full-frontal, but we definitely saw a titty or two, so....what's the deal?? 

Just miss me with her fucking wolf parents teaching her how to sew a fucking bralette together, come on. 

lol. I really did not want to cap this movie. I say this every time, but I was so fucking serious about not. But I just had to once the teacher came on the scene. She was so--Like, she looked so dumb lol. Not even dumb as in, like, the actress was miscast in the teacher role, but...just dumb. Stupid. Slow. Shortbussy. What sort of teacher is this? I've never had a teacher like ol girl, fucking strut-walking up and down the seat aisles like she's the sole "dancer" at a bachelor party that's being held in some nigga named Greg's basement, talking to her fucking students with her delayed motor skills ass speech - enough! The only thing that seemed a little realistic were her cheap ass Dress Barn from the Miss section outfits. I had a younger teacher in high school that sort of dressed like that and had terrible nails like that. One time I was at the mall and I saw her there and she had a bunch of Forever 21 bags with her. I think the teacher in this movie was just giving me 'nam (or that time I saw my teacher at the mall) flashbacks. 

Oh lord. I hated Brian, whoo, I hated this little boy with a passion. A passion. Lol but not yet at this point I don't think. Hmm, but maybe. Because remember at the barbecue how he was just watching that kid get bullied? I think at this point I was just trying to figure out what the deal with ol' boy was, and how come all the kids looked vaguely ethnic with the whitest fucking gluestickiest ass parents of all time?? Hmm?? Why did all the Cleek kids look extra swarthy with those unsalted cornbread and milk teeth ass parents, thanks! 

Okay lol. So big ups to ol' girl for beating Brian at bball. I love how he was all, "You're just better than me". She looked at him like, "Yup!". Lol okay but I screenshot this because that girl in the background was sizing up ol' girl with mad disgust. Very "Who does this bitch think she is?" with her hunchback of norte dame goes to suburban middle school lookin' ass. I love when extras do the most, it's my fave. But wow @ my attention deficit disorder. Who is paying attention to extras when there is like a whole movie going on? Well, whatever, it's not like anyone's face was eaten off by this point. I didn't know I needed to be interested, thank you!! 

I can't even feel bad for her. Who doesn't like look at their brush before putting it in their hair? Brian's awkward, sociopathic ass put a massive wad of gum on the bristles and you're telling me she aint see that shit? Lol and it was so funny when she was like "ow!" and Brian turned around in his seat with the quickness, "What happened, Suzie?!" lol, fake ass. 

me: *twenty minute long blood-curdling scream*

So I spent a while trying to figure out if the dad was molesting the daughter. It was so obvious that I felt it was too obvious. I guess the not obvious thing was that she was pregnant. I didn't pin that until I saw her in that billowy shirt and then like two seconds later the slowbus teacher is all "Are you pregnant, Peggy?!" and then Peggy was like "Mind your business, ho" and I was like YAAAAAAAAASSSSSS! But in hindsight I realize I may also be of the slowbus variety because I think I pegged (heh) Peggy was preggers way later than the teacher, and also I was cheering for the teacher to mind her fucking business and not help her student? Hmm @ me. But she's so annoying, ugh!! Keep your beak out! lol ugh

So who is this? He a teacher at the school? Where in the hell does this movie take place? Smh, probably like, Montana. Or, like, London, Ontario.

Ugh I was trying to get a perfect screen-capture of this nosy bitch's ugly ass nails but I'm lazy and didn't try hard at all so here's a pic of them with the fucking time bar concealing the view. Is that thing called the time bar? I'm like 73% sure that's not the name of that thing. However, I am 1000000% sure I don't give a care!!

It was so weird how the dad and son greeted each other with a handshake - what a pair of freakazoids. Maybe I should give Brian a break due to his parentage. Like...he has the worst parents; especially dad. The dad is insane. And like, hokey as hell, too. If he were just insane, fine, whatever, most dads are insane. But to be an okie doke hokey poke sort? Nah, you goin too far, in my estimation. Brian never had a chance, but at the same time, I don't really care. He is a child who's had zero positive influences but I will still hate him passionately and with more energy than I've ever cared about anything in my life, and I will cheer when he dies. I will feel whole, and at one with god. 

Okay so this was another attempt at capturing the nails. Why did I hate her nails so much? Was I projecting? I had french tips once. That was a very low point in my life. Well, I mean, can you ever have low points if it's always been a pretty consistent flatline? Anyway, a brief explanation for this post and my entire blog :') 

lol sigh.

Okay so this was after Peggy caught Brian in the cellar with The Woman and he was taking a pair of pliers to one of her nipples? Umkay. So Peggy tells the mom...that Brian was in there jerking off to the animal woman. Why did she lie? Did she think it would look worse if it seemed he was doing something sexual instead of tearing that wolf woman's titties apart? Idk, but the dad didn't care and was all ~boys will be boys~. So the mom late as hell is all "I'm done! I'm leaving you!". Smh with her late. ass. This nigga done captured and kidnapped a whole human being and chained her up in your cellar and you only just now got some shit to say because he said how the wolf woman didn't look half bad now that she was all cleaned up? That was the only reason the wife got salty, miss me with her late, whack ass. But anyway, Chris, king of the world in his mind, just laughs like "lol" and I...am worried for ol' girl. This nigga has no qualms about fucking his daughter, or keeping entire human women as pets, so why you...think...he care about your little rant?

The mom says how she's leaving and taking the girls but Chris can keep Brian. He can have that disturbed lil nigga. I was like YAAAAAASSSSS. lol, I wasn't even rooting for the mom but when she called Brian a rapist I was crying tears of joy whoooooooo I hate that little demon so much :') I mean, I don't know why the mom is acting like she had no part in raising Brian but ooh boy I don't even care about that right now cuz she roasted the shit out of him and it felt sooooooooooo good :')

Eh. So, in response, Chris bodies ol' girl. Do you see her...like lying there on the floor? Yeah....................LIKE BUT WHAT DID SHE EXPECT?! Lol talkin' bout I'm leaving. Bitch, this is a sneak away in the middle of the night sort of situation, and I'm gagging that you thought differently. Ah well. 

SO THIS NOSY BITCH DROPS BY THE CLEEK CRIB. UNANNOUNCED. I don't think so, ho. Your time has come. 

Peggy is all "It's not a good time right now, Ms. Teacher Bitch!". I was, for a few milliseconds, rooting for the teacher. Rooting for her to stop being a nosy ass bitch, turn around, head for the nearest strip mall, and clear out a Deb or Fashion Bug to spruce up her spring wardrobe. But she wanted to be a stupid bitch, so she deserves whatever happens to her upon walking into the house of fucking horrors. Looking like a goddamn mannequin at Joyce Leslie or Charlotte Russe or some shit, smh, and enough.

Look at the mom just sitting over there omg they just propped her knocked out ass up in that little chair whooooo girl if I walked into a house and saw that shit I'd turn around and walk immediately back out, no ma'am, thank you ma'am, but no!!!!! Lol Chris is all "She's tired". THIS BITCH LOOKS DEAD, RUN TEACHER HO!!! No but she wanna be the shortbus taker that she is and stays. *shrugs at her doomed future*

Don't mind me, just trying to perfectly capture those atrocious talons. And now I keep noticing suspiciously groomed eyebrows. Girl, what are you doing??

Welp.

YES, TEAR THAT BITCH APARRRRRRRTTTT!!!!! DID SHE SLICE HIM IN HALF?!?!?!? *gets on my knees and prays to god and santa claus, thanking them for their love and gifts to me*

YO WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS???!? I screamed when Chris and Brian put that teacher bitch in the cage with the dogs and the thing that actually ended up chewing her ass to bits was a fucking person under the stairs. WHAT IS THIS?!? WHO IS THIS?! And did the family the whole time know about him being in there with the dogs? References were made to the dogs and the mom was talking about how whatever Chris was doing with them was illegal. Smh if this bitch knew the whole time he had this little animal boy holed up in there I'm even more done with her, and even more glad she got her face ate. Hoes who allow their husbands to keep human beings as pets deserve to get their faces dined on, those are just the rules of the universe probably. 

I was like "aw, love connection", but I think she's just gonna keep him as a pet? So, a little awkward he has to keep being a pet, but, whatever, you live what you know :) 

Really loved Pollyanna McIntosh as "The Woman". Sad I didn't screencap more of her in an effort to ~restrain~ myself. She reminded me of Milla Jovovich, but even better because she barely had any lines :) But no she was good lol. And funny? Was this whole movie lowkey funny? Man, idk, but *screams until I start shitting blood clots*

Hm, but anyway how cute is this new little nuclear family they got going on here? Aw, right?? 

BUT WHATT HE FUCK ARE THYE CGJUST GOIGN TO GO LIVE IN THE WOODS WITH RHIS BITCH OR WHAT???!!!&/!8-! 

liek?????

like, the end????

I guess???

Girl, I guess!!!