The Boy (2016)

So am I developing a kink for movies that have a doll in it that people pretend is a baby/person? The Truth About Emanuel, American Sniper, The Boy. I liked none of these movies I listed so idk wtf I'm talkin bout "kink". The thing these three movies have in common is that their sole redeeming quality is that people are pretending a doll is a live human being. There is nothing else about any of these movies that is relevant, important, needed, or good. 

The Boy concerns some American bitch who travels across the pond to become a nanny for some weird ass old couple and their son, Brahms. So many questions right off the bat with this mess. Okay, wait, in the very very beginning they have Greta traveling in the back of a cab, to the house of the people she'll be babysitting for. Why does the movie show the cabbie trying to check out her nonexistent cleavage while she sleeps?? Then she catches him and like, pulls her shirt closed, but continues to sleep?? Right away I knew this movie was gonna be shit. Idk what it was about that moment--maybe its total insignificance??--but I just knew. I knew deep in my heart this movie was trash and I had made a terrible mistake. 

I went to see this bullshit on a total whim. Usually when I go to see movies it's something I've been waiting to see and already know what it's about. But on this particular day, I was just like...lemme go to the movies. I look up what movies are playing at AMC and I see total and absolute trash and shit. There was literally nothing of interest. But I still wanted to go see a movie, so I chose the least-worst sounding thing. Honestly, Star Wars was probably the least worst. Like, I'm really getting into John Boyega and feel like I might want to casually stan for him, so I considered Star Wars. But it was only available in IMAX and I've never been to an IMAX movie. Can glasses-wearers go? Idk, I wasn't chancing it. And anyway, it's Star Wars. I think I'll just casually stan for Johnny when that shit hits HBO. So I saw the second-least worst seeming thing on the list that I had not already seen. 

Or, sigh, idk if The Boy was actually the second least worst thing. But I knew the fuck that I wasn't seeing Dirty Grandpa (omg) or that other shit with Will Ferrell and Donnie Wahlberg's ugly little brother. Or, like, Ride Along 2 jesus. 

I bing.commed The Boy and the description for the film was...not...lol, I don't even remember what the description said, actually, I just saw that image with the doll sitting in a chair and was like "lol okay, let's do this". I actually hate doll-focused horror films so idk why the fuck I thought this would be any different/better than the other ones I've seen? Maybe cuz the doll was a boy. I mean, am I acting like the Chucky movies don't exist and that I don't like those movies or??? I guess cuz this boy doll was all clean and porcelain looking?

The scariest thing about this movie was the trailer for The VVitch that they played before it. I was all excited like, I gotta see that!! And then became quickly despondent when I realized what I was actually there to watch. Oh, I have to watch this mess about some prissy boy doll instead of that way cooler-looking other thing. Okay. Movie trailers should be banned tbh why are they always better than the actual movie ur going to see smh

So Greta arrives to the house in her cab. She's talking to the cabbie about the house like "oh! it's like a fairytale!!" acting as if not a few minutes ago she hadn't clocked this dude leering at the concave area where her titties should be. She's all like "Thank you!!!!" to him??? Am I weird for harping on this thing with the cabbie and him looking down her shirt lol like why was it included I'm so confused it had nothing to do with the rest of the movie?? Like we never see that cabbie dude again so???? 

Greta goes into the house, she's all amazed and shit. She takes off her shoes because?? Like, you're not in Japan??? Do old country English people take their shoes off when they walk in a home? I mean, if they're caked with mud, sure, but Greta's shoes were clean so what is her goofy ass doing??????  

Goofy goes into the kitchen and meets the equally goofy, idk, what was this nigga's job title? The grocery dude? Girl, okay! He does this flirty thing with Goofy. I am...disgusted. He has like an ~*~accent~*~. He's all like ~*~I'm charming~*~. I was rolling my eyes hella hard @ their flirty bullshit. Ol' boy claimed he was like clairvoyant and could read people. He guessed Goofy was from California. Nope, Montana. Oh, well, you're a writer then, looking for an escape! Nope, wrong again, you're really on a roll here. Then he "jokingly" guessed that Goofy had a dark past and was running away from something. This stupid bitch displays all over her face that, yep, that's exactly it!! How you on the run giving obvious clues you on the run? What a goofy bitch! Her nickname is a. pro. pos! 

Goofy asks some questions about the fam. The grocery dude says they're cool peeps or whatever. Yeah, okay. Goofy specifically asks--WHOA WHOA WHOA, REAL QUICK. I completely forgot how Goofy actually met the grocery dude. She was spying all around the house and shit and he came up behind her or something while she was playing with one of Brahms toys and this bitch emitted the most unnecessary and ridiculous blood curdling scream omg this movie was so cheap with their little "scares". Fucking pathetic. We're five minutes into the movie, nothing's established, we don't know any characters and you're already tossing cheap thrills at us. And it wasn't even a thrill! It wasn't like this bitch was in the house not expecting anyone to be there. Why the fuck she jumping for? In somebody else's home? I am so...like I'm thinking about that moment and getting re-annoyed again omg if I thought this movie was going to be shit because of that cabbie dude, it was definitely cemented when this ho was screaming at the top of her lungs because a nigga said "hello" to her bitch ass omg

So back in the kitchen lol omg i hated this movie so much, Goofy asks Grocery Boy what Brahms is like. I can't believe this little bitch is named Brahms. The lil nigga never had a chance with a name like that. Spoiler alert, you're either gonna play some scary music on an old timey accordion keyboard, or you're gonna kill people - these are your only options with a name like Brahms spoiler alert. 

Grocery Boy doesn't give Goofy a definitive answer concerning what Brahms is like. And I was really screaming at that. He was all like "It's hard to say..." or something. Hmm, how bout HE IS A FUCKING ACTUAL DOLL!! Like, how hard is that to put into words? I literally just did it??? 

The mom comes into the kitchen and asks Goofy where her shoes are. Good question!!! Why your shoes off, bitch?! This aint Japan!! Goofy's punk ass doesn't even try to defend taking off her shoes. She is straight punked by this old bitch. I swear to god they go over to where Goofy left her shoes and they're not there. The mom is all "Brahms likes to play games". Orly? GIMME MY SHOES, BITCH! Cept Goofy doesn't scream this. The mom is all "Surely you packed other shoes" and Goofy starts frantically rummaged through her suitcase for some other shoes to put on omfg. Then the mom is all "Hurry up, we've kept them waiting long enough". BITCH WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?!?!?!?!?!?! I swear to god I would've been so far fucking gone from that house. Actually, the minute I found out that little nigga was named Brahms I would've been out. Are you serious? Nothing good can come from some little white cheddar cheez-it named Brahms. He will kill you and scoop your eyeballs out with a melon baller and put like trinkets in your eye socket holes. R u n

So finally, Goofy gets to meet the enigmatic Brahms!

Lol Goofy started laughing straight away. This little doll is just sitting in the chair and Goofy is like "haha cool joke, where's the real kid?". So reminiscent of one of my favorite movie scenes of all time, in The Truth About Emanuel, when Jimmi Simpson meets Jessica Biel's "baby". This scene in The Boy wasn't as good as that one, because after it sets in that these two people believe this doll is a ~real live boy~, she plays along. Then the grocery boy comes in and plays along as well and I'm looking @ him like why you aint tell her this little nigga was a doll? And he immediately became suspicious to me. Like, wtf is a grocery boy?? 

So I'm in the movie theater silently screaming @ Goofy staring at this actual doll sitting in the chair. It's so funny. I think...too funny for a horror film. But maybe it's so funny that it becomes scary. Like, imagine you get a babysitting job and you go to the house of the kid you're babysitting and the parents just hand you a fucking doll and like a list of chores. Like, I would immediately accept I was going to die in a scenario such as that. There's no way you go into a home to babysit, they present you with a doll, and you're not gonna die, you know? 

My main issue with this scene, though, was...how come Goofy doesn't say anything? Like, ummmm this is a doll. Jimmi Simpson definitely said that shit in The Truth About Emanuel, and it completely made the entire movie. So befuddled as to why Goofy would essentially just immediately go along with this shit. Why was she scared to speak? I'd be more scared for my life than trying to upset these obvious fucking nut jobs. Or maybe she was afraid for her life, and thought the best reaction was none?? Girl, I guess!! 

So the mom is giving all the instructions for how to take care of this literal porcelain doll. At one point she makes Goofy dress...Brahms. Or she tells Goofy to practice dressing him but Goofy is being her goofy self and acting all awkward like how hard is it to put clothes on a doll?? The mom is all "He's not a baby, you don't have to be afraid of hurting him!" and takes the job over for Goofy. Goofy should've been like..."Yeah, I know, it's a doll?". But it wouldn't have been totally effective because the point of the mom yelling at her was because she was taking too long to dress Brahms and like...it should be easier to dress a doll over anything. Because a doll is not alive...

After the crazy ass mommy and daddy show--WAIT!!! HOLD UP!! CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE UNNECESSARINESS OF THE DAD SHOWING GOOFY THE RAT TRAPS AND THE MOM EXPLAINING WHY THEY DON'T THROW OUT ANY FOOD?!?!? WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT??? IT WAS SO INSIGNIFICANT!!! WAS THAT EVER BROUGHT UP AGAIN?? AND THEN LATER IN THE MOVIE THE GROCERY BOY COMES OVER TO THE HOUSE AND EMPTIES THE FREEZER AND GOOFY IS ALL "IT'S SUCH A WASTE". lol okay but why is this shit so insignificant and having nothing at all to do with the plot. I'd see if it was some meandering study-of-life foreign film or something, but this is a cheap ass horror film with almost zero reason or purpose. What's with all the irrelevant filler??? Unless I'm missing something and the thing with the freezer and the rat traps were supposed to indicate something??? Were they...was it symbolism????? I highly doubt it like this movie was verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry base. 

Okay but can we talk about how I thought I was smarter than this "base" film and decided I had already figured out the ~mystery~. Okay so I said I was suspicious of Grocery Boy right off the bat. I think maybe the movie intentionally made him seem sketch? Like, yeah, totally, and I bought completely into it. I guess he was just English and a little thirsty?? But anyway, I decided early on that Grocery Boy was actually Brahms. He was giving Goofy backstory on Brahms, explaining the doll thing. There was a girl Brahms used to play with that turned up dead. I guess Brahms was a suspect, then all of a sudden he's burned up in a fire. Yeah, okay. For some reason I decided...wait I think before I heard the thing about the little girl I decided Grocery Boy had killed Brahms and like he was the black sheep older brother that the parents hated or something. And then when I heard the thing about the girl I decided Grocery Boy was older Brahms and they had all lied to Goofy bout him being the grocery boy and the reason the parents had the doll was because they wanted to keep the memory of ~good~ Brahms, before he turned into English Ted Bundy or whatever. 

Anyway, I was wrong. Grocery Boy was actually a grocery boy. I had decided, though, that doll Brahms was not actually...alive. Or, there wasn't a ghost inside his doll body. I wasn't 100% on this, though. Because he'd like...move. But the camera was never on him when he moved, so obviously some shit was up. Anyway, turns out I was right to think the doll was not actually possessed by any spirit. Turns out, real Brahms lived inside the walls pullin' a Roach from The People Under the Stairs. Or, actually he seemed to have his own little creepy set-up in the basement. But I think he rummaged throughout the walls of the house and that was how he was able to move Brahms when Goofy wasn't looking, spooking this stupid bitch out. 

I have to say, Adult Brahms using that weird little baby English boy voice and wearing that mask was actually creepy as fuck. Lowkey scary, but this movie was so dumb that I couldn't get really into it. I also thought doll Brahms was creepy, with his staring ass face. I wish this movie was done better. Cast differently, maybe? I didn't like Lauren Cohan, she played it too dumb and goofball for me. Like when her abusive ex showed up I just rolled my eyes. Instead of feeling like...scared for her?? Lol like she was just wayyy too annoying. Grocery Boy was annoying, too, and had a punchable face. They were the two leads, essentially. They were too irritating to be leading this film. I need to care about the main characters in a horror film, or it won't work. I thought Brahms' mum was perfectly cast, though. She was mad creepy and mean and dear lord every time she gave Brahms a gentle little kiss it sent shivers down my spine jesus she was so weird and just unnerving the shit out of me. Like, lowkey upset she and the other dude disappeared like fifteen minutes into the movie? But HOLLERING that they went on "holiday" to kill themselves and just left the responsibility of Brahms to Goofy. That's her problem now!! Absolutely screaming at them doing that omg lol

When the movie ended I was pretty good. Like, thank you, that's quite enough. But I'll never be able to scrub from my memory Brahms going like "kiss me" behind that creepy, dirty ass mask. Omg and I could see he had like a full beard underneath it omfg that shit was horrifying. But, again, I did not like this actual movie. I laughed too much--wait, did I like this movie?? lol like I was laughing quite a bit and finding much amusement in so many horrible things hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm BUT WAS IT AN EFFECTIVE HORROR FILM??? No!!! SO WHO CARES IF IT WAS THE BEST COMEDY OF 2016?!! Maybe we should eliminate genres and labels so more bad movies can be considered good. Like, as a horror film this was crap, but as a comedy it was A1. Labels r for squares anyway. And people who have, like, food allergies. It's important to know if a product they're about to eat was made in a factory that also in that factory has people who eat handfuls of peanuts and then go to the conveyor belts and spit them out on the food. So, like, if you have a peanut allergy you need to know that, and in that case, labels r good. But still for squares. Like, who has a food allergy? Squares.