Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, s3

I watched this fourteen three times months ago, so forgot literally everything, so lemme go ahead and jump right on into trying to recap! Why? No one reads this blog. Why does anyone do anything, really? Like, why did God create the Universe (lol just...play along, okay?)? You mean to tell me Goddrick was sitting up in some clouds, str8 chillin, and he was just like la dee da lemme gon' head and create some planets and then on one of them make The Holocaust happen and also Taylor Swift? And then also his bitch ass created Pluto just so people could roast shim's ass day in and day out?? Why would God do that...?? Just...cuz. So here we go!!!!    

 

Here are some brief, primarily unhelpful notes I wrote to ~remind~ me of what happened so I could write about the season at a later date: 

-ray liotta

-mood is maya rudolf as dionne warwick slipping those moisturized baby corn into her mouth

-"knows her as a husband"

-titus getting scurvy

-biracial bae from hamilton

-jillian and her bae

-church (guy with teeth) 

-lea michele

-javettes center, "I don't like this place" 

I feel like most of these notes were from just a few episodes and this is barely helpful. Oh I'm just now remembering Titus' voice and persona being stolen for that purple Mucinex blob but I think it was like a grape who was roasting a woman about having incontinence? Very Titus. Also also, I'm remembering........the Lemonade parody. FULL NO FOR ME, Tina Fey. Like, I don't even care about Lemonade like that. It was nice for what it was, I just get annoyed @ white ppl...like...being white. Only thing that saved it was Titus' existence (a...theme with this show). 

 

Lemme...address my notes I guess sigh. Oh, I love this show btw. Lol I am always complaining but I love this show even though it's lowkey highkey terrible. But I love how Tina (sigh) does the comedy where it's jokes piled up all on each other so I have to rewind constantly like "lol wait what". Especially where Titus is concerned lol, so.. Help.

 

Note #1: "Ray Liotta" - BAE!! Ummmm can he become a regular feature on the show?? Like Kimmy and Titus repeatedly going to his store to...destroy his bathroom lol. I think this was my favorite episode like I was dying. I love how dead serious Ray Liotta played his character, and I love jokes about Titus being gross. When Ray was reacting to what Titus did to his bathroom and making references to it I was fucking cracking up it was so funny lol. And then when Titus ran into Mikey in the store and he was talking about how he was gonna go spend a weekend with some dude and then Ray came outta nowhere and put Titus all the fucking way on blast for wrecking his restroom and Mikey's face - I rewatched that so many times lol, pure gold :') I was so happy :') I am so empty inside :')

Note #2: "mood is maya rudolf as dionne warwick slipping those moisturized baby corn into her mouth" - So I love Maya Rudolf. I don't know anything about Dionne Warwick except maybe she pretended to be psychic once and kind of looks like one of my aunts. I know Maya's marshmallow looking ass looks nothing like Dionne, but I know she gives me my life each and every time. Why...doesn't Maya have her own show? I know she did some like...comedy hour thingy, but bitch, I mean, like a full whole show so I can watch her every week (I mean binge all the episodes on Netflix or Hulu after it get cancelled). Remember when she played Noprah on that Up All Night catastrophe?? It was so weird how that show was about Receding Hairline and Christine Applebee having some ugly kid when it could've been all about Maya pretending to be Oprah???? Like, wtf?? Ooh you know what I need...basically the same thing but Maya is an Iyanla Vanzant type figure? I'd die. GIVE HER A SHOW, THANKS??? 

But Titus thinking he murdered Dionne? Very him. And him spraying that contaminated cruise ship water on them baby corns......... bitch, I hate this show. I really do lol

Note #3: "knows her as a husband" - I forgot her name, but this was one of Kimmy's ex-bunker mates talking about Ross and Monica. She said something like, you can tell he knows her as a husband. Too...accurate. But does anyone want an inappropriate French or Spanish film about her situation with those boys she kidnapped? Cuz I do........ Don't... Don't tell the police...just...just make the movie...

Note #4: titus getting scurvy - Please.  

Note #5: biracial bae from hamilton - I don't know this dude's name, and I am glad people have stopped talking about Hamilton and I hope that fucking never happens again. But anyway, who is she? Is he gonna remain Kimmy's love interest?? I'm mad they got rid of Dong cuz I was highkey shipping it, but this is a good replacement, even though he was mad condescending and hating on the Kimster, but she is white and annoying, so yeah, makes sense.

Note #6: jillian and her bae - I SHIP IT! I forgot this dude's name? Paul something? lol idk but I've seen him in things (congrats!!). He was the friend in Chilly Scenes of Winter and prob the friend in other things but never like the main dude because...no one wants that, but I love him for Jillian. Their first meeting at the town council thing was so cute please lol espech when Titus called Jillian and they were both on the line, it was adorbzzzz please. Also is Jilly an Aquarius? Because she is so an Aquarius if she is lol like she murdered her black husband; very #aqua. 

 

Note #7 wtf am I doing: church (guy with teeth) - The choir dude who Titus forced himself to date is so random. I recently rewatched all of 30 Rock (help) and saw he played Tracy's fake older son Donald. Oh, also, I had no idea Tituss had been on 30 Rock? I forget shit so easily literally no one cares tho like can you focus smh. But this dude has a weird, random look. I wonder where he came from is he a writer? He looks like he shouldn't be in proper things, like he belongs in a chitlin circuit play about DL niggas who aren't even remotely fooling anyone. That was extremely offensive but at least I didn't mention Tyler Perry. But look, is Titus a swirler?? Cuz...... And look, we gots to gather Kimmy's ass, too! Lol when Jillian told that boy she isn't into white dudes I wanted to scream, but she really is not. Also Kimmy sounds like an Asian girl's name and lowkey...she is kinda giving you Asian teas but all of this I'm saying is bad and not okay, so let's just move on :')

Note #8: lea michele - Lol was it just me who thought it was funny they 1. didn't get the real Lea Michele or even #2. some sort of impersonator? Lol they didn't even show "her" face. I want the backstory. Or is it simply the show didn't care enough to be having the real her or an impersonator? Tragic. But anyway, Lea Michele is so from New Jersey. I feel like I was on some third rate cheerleading squad with her at some point. And we were sponsored by like Dunkin Donuts, or some random sub shop. Very NJ.

Note #9: javettes center, "I don't like this place" - I'm so glad I'm almost done. Also I think it's called Javits? Tbh, I don't remember the name of the center. But rememebr when Kimmy's other ex bunker mate was working for some company that makes bunkers lol and I think it was in the Javits center and some deflated Hillary ballon fell and Kimmy said she didn't like that place?? Idk, it's ~random~ but it was the funniest thing and I rewound it a billion times. Ideky. But that's me @ this whole show, really. I be so confused why I'm finding the majority of what is happening funny. Anyway, what was happening with Rich Lady this season? No...freakin' idea??? Was this...was this the season Russ was in a coma? Or was that last season? Can you tell I binged the first two seasons before watching three?????? So like it all blended in and I barely care about ol' girl's character to begin with but there can never be enough Mimi, okay? Get with it!! 

What's happening next season? Do I care? Oh, Kimmy has some new job at tech start up thing? We'll......see about that. What Titus got goin on? Oh, I guess winning Mikey back. That could be...of interest. Anyway hurry up and give me the new season sigh stop playing games.

Oh! I just remembered Rich White Lady is about to be a talent agent or manager or something. That should be lit, right? That better mean more Mimi..