That Awkward Moment (2014)

Sigh.

I was excited for this movie when I first saw the trailers. Why? I don't know. No, look, Miles Teller.

Look at him. I'm a little baby chick fan of his despite only having seen him in semi-bit parts in Rabbit Hole and Divergent. But I'm into and here for it and I like his...accent and attitude and I can't wait to see Whiplash and I hope it's better than this mess. I'm also sort of a fan of Michael B. Jordan? But also semi sort of for no reason??? I mean he was serviceable in Chronicle and good in Fruitvale Station - there! Reasons! Nothing weird or superficial!

Really, I am just trying to act like my superficial love of a bunch of actors in this movie has nothing to do with me watching this unintentional horror film and being scarred for life. Okay, I'm being a bit dramatic, but also, not even a little dramatic? It's totally okay to want to see a film sometimes because it has a bunch of ~hot young actors~ you think are at least a lil semi-talented, right? Like, this is why I watch a lot of things. No, not a lot. But a significant amount of things. It's okay to do this sometimes and I shouldn't feel bad about it and also I shouldn't have to feel like I deserved to be burned. RIGHT? 

Sigh. At least I didn't see this movie for Zac Efron. He was like, the last thing drawing me to the movie. This isn't 2009, 2010 anymore after he made 17 Again and I got really excited for his movie career. We're not there anymore. We're in the post Zac dropping a condom on the red carpet for publicity, getting muscley, then getting fat, then getting fat-muscley, dating famous lesbian Michelle Rodriguez, Charlie St. Abortion era. Like, whatever goodwill he built up with 17 Again was completely squandered by him making a ton of embarrassing, garbage choices. I haven't seen Neighbors yet, but I can just tell there's no way he elevates that film in any way. I'll be seeing that sure-to-be mess for Dave Franco and Hannibal Burress and that's it. 

So I saw this film to see my babies Miles, Michael B and Imogen Poots, who has the best name of all time? Or second-best, because Powers Boothe. Also there's a human being on earth named Wings Hauser. So, third best. Unless Wings is maybe not a human being? (An eagle??) Then we can bump Imogen Poots up to second best human being name on Earth! No, but what about that random Indian singer dude who has like some crazy name pulled out of Mary Poppins' creepy miscellaneous goods bag? Ugh, what is that dude's name...Humperdink Hinglefink or some shit. But it's not a good name, it's scary and he should be put down. OKAY! Let's...ugh, let's start talking about this piece of shit. I guess. 

Zac and his meaty man titties plays some idiot named Jason. Miles plays Daniel and Michael is...Mikey. Great. Jason is a ~player~, and Miles is...I guess, also a player, but he's not as "hot" as Zac...so he gets...he's like a player by proxy, and because HOT JASON acts as some weird alley-oop serving wingman character for him? Like, basically, if Daniel wasn't friends with Jason he'd never get laid - that is what they were giving me. Whatever. Mikey is...a doctor or some shit, right? Idfk, but he's married, but his chick--the wifey--is like: BYYYEEEEE! And she's taking up with someone Mikey likens to Morris Chestnut, but his white ass friends don't know who the fuck Morris Chesnut is until Mikey brings up Boyz in the Hood and...I just wish that entire exchange did not exist. 

Zac/Jason and Miles/Daniel work in advertising I think? Making book jacket covers? Wait. lol What do they do exactly? Book marketing? I'll just do MARKETING in caps anytime I have to recall their dumb job. Wait, before we get into their stupid jobby job, the three amigos are at a bar I think trying to console Mikey over the break-up of his marriage and get him back into the dating game. Some bitch with glasses hits Mikey up and you think it's going to turn into a thing but literally nothing happens with her character. She gives Mikey her number or some shit and then later we see him Facebook stalking her and then?????????? I don't understand the point of her character and, frankly, I don't want to!!! 

lol anyway, so Jason does his thing for Daniel I think and gets him a chick? Idfk, but the ~important~ part of this scene is Jason harassing Imogen Poots' character, Ellie. Imogen Poots is sooooo cute and charming and Hollywood is going to try to make her happen and I'm here for it. HOWEVER, if they're going to try to make her happen in Titanic-sinking icebergs like this and Need for Speed, she might as well stay her ass across the pond. 

So really, we're supposed to garner that Ellie is being harassed by someone not Zac Efron at the bar. Some guy boring her with some bullshit, and then Jason comes over like *ZAc EFron FaCE* and gets into some weird bit about...being in a longterm relationship and dying in your soul of boredom??? DUDE, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF CREEPY GARTH AND KAT ASS BULLSHIT THEY WERE DOING, but somehow it led to Ellie thinking it was a good idea to take Jason home and fuck him. With condoms, hopefully. So, after they fuck, Jason wakes up and sees some items scattered about Ellie's apartment that indicate to him she might be a high class escort. Okay. He promptly proceeds to freak-out. My thing is, SO???? So what? The only thing that made sense about him freaking out was his concern over not being able to pay her. But...he woke up while she was asleep. What kind of fucking prostitute falls alseep on her john before getting the money? And if she was a proz, and asleep, and you can't pay, WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCKING LEAVE? You think this bitch is going to contact the cops on your doofy ass because you didn't pay? Come on. And money concerns aside, who would really be mad if they found out Imogen Poots' attractive ass was a high class escort? Who wouldn't be excited about becoming a regular customer? Like, really, bro? 

After Jason does a weird piss in Ellie's toilet, he takes my advice and leaves his Pretty Woman high and dry. He left zero duckets on the nightstand table. Not even a courtesy tip. Not cool, bro. Then the next day at work she's, of course, there. AWKWARD, BRO. Ellie's a new employee or some shit idk. And Zac, mature, loud-whispers to Daniel/Miles: "DUDE, THAT'S THE PROSTITUTION WHORE I FUCKED LAST NIGHT." After that, I forget who pulls who aside but Imogen is basically like REALLY, BRO? Like probably everyone watching, and certainly like how I was. And then you know what Zac/Jason says to explain why he just dipped on her? "I THOUGHT YOU WERE A PROSTITUTION WHORE". He seriously just straight-up says to her face he thought she fucked for bux and instead of kicking his fucking teeth in Imogen gets mad for like two seconds and then...Zac invites her somewhere as an ~apology~? I forgot where he invites her (likely Popeyes or, if he was trying to be fancy, Red Lobster), but the key thing to focus on in this moment is that Imogen just immediately forgvies him. WHAT? WHEN? WHERE? HOW? AND WHY? He is so fucking rude and gross and despicable and non-charming and I don't get why she wouldn't have just wiped her hands of him. I see if Michael B. Jordan pulled some mess like this, maybe you'd be like 'okay, i'll give him a second chance', but Zac Efron? Eugh. 

So I forget a lot of what happens after this lol, but def, Jason and Ellie start hanging out and falling for each other and it's predictably gross. Jason is still a playa, but we see him sort of not wanting to be a playa anymore? Blech, wateva. And also there are some B and C stories involving the ~lessers~: Daniel and Mikey. Daniel is hooking up with his friend turned lover Girl from Halt and Catch Fire. Could not care less. But any Miles scenes are good even though his story is like ................ And Mikey is over there in the corner having ~naughty~ sex with his estranged wife in...offices or whatever and...sigh. What is less than "couldn't care less"? Whatever that is, that's me @ Mikey's storyline. But it's always great to see Michael B in scrubs. 

(my face the entire movie)

Can I get a new hospital show and he's the star but he's a ghost and, at some point, someone, Peter Sarsgaard, the racist hospital chief, calls him a "jiggaboo"??? And then Michael B makes a face like "nigga, you don't know how true". Omg, and the show is called Spook. *dying in my sleep*. If someone just made a straight-up racist show like this I would be so happy. And please at some point Peter Sarsgaard, a homophobe and closet lesbian, tries to fuck Michael's character but his dick just...goes right through him!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME I SHOULD BE THE HEAD OF TV. 

OKAY! So back to the sigh plot ugh. Um, at some point - wait. First, Ellie invites Zacharius to a party. A costume party? I don't know, but for some reason this asshole shows up wearing a strap-on penis dildo thing? No one else has on a costume, tho. And he looks like a fucking prick (p not inty). And I guess I can understand trying to act confident in this situation like FUCK IT, WHATEVER but...Ellie's parents are there. Why wouldn't he be like, wait b4 I meet your rents let me TAKE THIS FUCKING STRAP-ON PENIS OFF. Wtf? And, of course, he meets the parents and they sort of low-key like him? Especially the dad? Ugh, in what world? And then the dad dies. And then Ellie calls Jason about it and he's like ROBOT DOES NOT COMPUTE. And to his friends he's like "Should I go to the funeral? Eh, it'd be AN AWKWARD MOMENT". And I think they tell him to go support her, BUT HE DOESN'T???? I really do not understand Jason. I get that he's an emotional cripple, but he seemed to be slowly melting into a human being under Ellie's influence. At the point of her dad dying it seemed like they had formed enough of an intimate bond that he'd at least think to pop by the after-funeral reception and pay his respects. What's awkward is not going. The bitch wouldn't have called you about it if she didn't want you to come be with her. And then after he basically refuses to acknowledge his sort-of girlfriend's dad dying, he literally drops all communication with her. I DON'T GET IT. Jason is not drawn up as some hopeless bum character, he's basically presented to us as this douchey-ish, peter pan-ish, post-frat boy type. Not, like, Scar from The Fucking Lion King. Who doesn't show up to the funeral of their girlfriend's father? And let's be fucking honest, they were dating. This wasn't some casual fling. They were getting serious, but I feel like this movie was trying to construct it in a way so that ppl like me would feel uncomfortable labeling it as something ~serious~; so there's a vague "excuse" for his behavior. So obviously whoever wrote this movie is basically Jason in Real Life. Stop letting white guys under the age of forty write shit. Like, I was going to get specific and say "romantic comedy", but no, don't let them write anything. lol what if some like fifty year old Indian woman wrote this shit. Nah, according to Hollywood, these individuals do not exist. #politics 

So, to wrap this garbage up, Zac tries to slut his pain away. Even though the person who should really be in any sort of pain is Ellie but okay. And then he's like *Cher Horowitz moment* Oh my gosh, I love Ellie! Someone kick this bitch in his throat, fo real. He goes to apologize, she's like, BIG SPEECH BASICALLY SAYING FUCK OFF. But then I think he tries to apologize a second time and she's like SIGH, OKAY. Because: life. 

The best thing about this putrid turd were the ending credit "goofs", which were extremely horrible and boring and it's hilarious that the ppl responsible for this film thought it warranted end credit bloopers. The entire movie was a blooper, nigga. lol come on! The best was one featuring Miles and Zac filming a scene in a coffee shop by a window and something happens, I think paparazzi start taking pics and Miles makes some joke about how they're there for Zac, not for him, because no one cares about him. Oh, Miles. No one cares about Zac, either. He probably called them. And, like, pretended to be embarrassed. Like, omg paparazzi! Stahp it, Zachary. And now, arguably, Miles is totally bigger than Zac. Right?? If he's not yet, he will be soon, and I'm so happy. But don't fuck up, Miles. Don't pull a Zac. Don't get muscles. And don't do coke lol 

lol I'm laughing so hard right now

yes hahahahahaha

Needs more rough gay sex

So, this post is about, if you haven't guessed already, Exodus: Gods and Kings, a movie I saw.

Eughhh. Look, I don't give a shit about the bible and bible stories. Like, snooze, mah dude, snooze. I mean, I guess some of this Jesus & Friends shit can be made interesting. I was definitely inexplicably entertained by The Passion of the Christ, but overall...I don't care. If I'm going to see a movie about a dude who parted The Red Sea and it's not an inappropriate reference to statutory rape, you have to give me something else. Like, an interesting cast, or ~cool~ special effects, or, idk, Joel Edgerton in eyeliner. 

Or, more importantly, Ben Mendelsohn in eyeliner

Fuck a Moses, look at this^ Covergirl Queen. Also, accidental Animal Kingdon reunion??! Or, was this on purpose? Totally Ridley Scott saw Animal Kingdom and was like "cool" and then when he was casting for this mess he was like "oh, lemme get Xtian...and then...sigh what other actors? Oh, remember when I saw Animal Kingdom?" - he's talking to himself in the dark - "So I'll put some Aussie niggas from that film in my shit. Hmmm the...the best one. And then, that other one. The one who was killed like twenty minutes in??? Yes, he will be the second-billed star of my film. His white Australian ass will play like an Egyptian king or some shit. EPIC MASTERPIECE, CALLED IT!!!" 

No, I'm just kidding, Ridley did not think this deep about casting. He was just like to the casting people: "WHITE!" And they delivered. But I'm not here to talk about white-washing because I really don't give a shit at this point in the game. First let's focus on making actually good films. Consistently. Then we can tackle that whole "white ppl r king" thing that's been the rave in Hollywood since like the first day of Hollywood. But...wait. Maybe...maybe if this film had been cast more...ethnically...acurrate...would it have been better? Maybe. Honestly I think the badness of this film rests primarily on Ridley Scott's gross shoulders. He's just...sigh. Like, he's all about the special effects in my opinion. And they were cool...but like totally wasted because the movie was garbage. I know some ppl out there can love a movie if it only has cool visuals but *Katy Perry voice* NOT ME! Give me character, you piece of shit. Like, your little locust plague was cute buuuuutttt WHY DO I CARE NOTHING ABOUT HOW THIS AFFECTS ANYONE IN THE FILM? Oh, cool thing with that floppy dead baby. Sorry that I don't give a shit at all??? Because you gave Ramses nothing to work with?? For some reason this movie is mostly about boring insane ass (how both, idk) Moses???? Did Moses leave his family to, like, walk around and talk to some random, cunty little British boy? SINCE WHEN.

Wait. I am all over the place. Like this movie? No, that's reaching. This movie was pretty linear, I guess. Actually, I wish it was all over the place, then maybe I would have liked it, like, at all. I did like some elements. Do you want to know what they are? No? What do you mean no?? YOU'LL GET THEM ANYWAY!

-Ramses. Despite me saying up there how Ramses had nothing to work with, he was still Joel Edgerton, giving me bulky ass Warrior tease. 

And that eyeliner. Yes. I wished maybe this movie was all Ramses and we got to see him be really crazy and horrible and wearing like insane gold robes like that shit is okay. I am not familiar with Ramses as a thing. Like, I don't know his ~story~, but before Moses was banished I was semi-getting my life with Ramses threatening to chop bitch's hands off and him either being jealous of Moses or wanting to fuck him. OH! Speaking of rough gay sex: I'M SO MAD BECAUSE SERIOUSLY I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THIS STORY WOULD BE ABOUT AND IN THE BEGINNING MOSES AND RAMSES ARE IN SOME WAR/FIGHT THING AND THEY'RE EXCHANGING GLANCES AND SHIT AND EVENTUALLY MOSES SAVED RAMSES FROM BEING KILLED AND FOR SOME REASON I: 1. THOUGHT THEY WERE BROTHERS AND 2. WERE GOING TO DO INCEST ON EACH OTHER AT SOME POINT. None of this! None of it! Wtf??? I was srsly shipping them, then Ramses had to get in his anti-Semitic feelings when it was revealed Moses was a Jewface and send him packing. UGH. And then they're basically seperated the entire rest of the film save for that gay scene when Moses pushes his sword (penis) all up in Ramses's neck while he's caressing a horse or some shit, and then of course that final battle which was ultra gay and WHY DIDN'T THESE TWO JUST FUCK AND GET IT OVER WITH?!?! This movie really would have been amazing had Christian Bale and Joel Edgerton just engaged in the roughest fucking butt sex ever to be seen on film, smack dab in the middle of the movie. Like, it's twenty minutes long, and there's a cum shot. A bloody cum shot, because old timey old times.  

Ah, welll. I still liked Ramses even though he wasn't fucked up the ass (you know he's a bottom). Wish there was just more of him at home applying ointment to his bug bites. Honestly, a three hour long movie of just Joel Edgerton applying calamine lotion to mosquito bites? I will be first in line on opening day. Okay so I obviously lied about needing character. I am just super-shallow in other ways. Better ways, but still. 

-BEN MENDELSOHN. Like, the only real reason I went to see this shit. Lemme just post pics of him I just found of him wearing a FUCKING SHINY RED SUIT.

why

no

WHAT IS THAT MATERIAL? I HOPE IT'S A POLYESTER RAYON BLEND. Where do they sell that, Ben? Australian T.J.Maxx, like I don't understand. You are perfect? And I want to be dead?? 

So I saw this travesty solely for you. Like, sometimes being a fan of an actor/tress can be really daunting. Being a fan of Nicolas Cage makes me cry on the regular. But so far Ben movies have been mostly non-traumatizing. I think this was the first Benny Mendy(no) thing I've seen where I wished I didn't know he existed so I wouldn't be forced to watch his shit. Like, I am not actually forced. But I am. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. Ugh, anyway, when he showed up onscreen as Viceroy Hegep I was excited, because he was clearly playing a flamboyantly homosexual individual. I am almost certain at one point Ben feeds himself grapes?!?!? But at the same time of me getting excited about the character I was also like *two minute long sigh*. It was a mess, and also I knew his messy character would be disappeared for long stretches of the film and I was fucking right. At least I didn't watch this mess for Aaron Paul, who I am a fan of, but was burned by Need for Speed, so no more going to see movies just because of him. I feel bad for Aaron Paul fans who watched this just for him lol. Or fans of John Turturro (who are those??). And also maybe fans of Christian Bale?? I love...I strongly am into Christian Bale. I think he's definitelty in the top-tier of actors, but he's not like my ultimate Tom Hardy, who makes any role interesting, no matter what. If Tom had been Batman I wouldn't have been bored as fuck by him like I was with Christian's version. I feel like this is def a problem Christian has sometimes, especially playing like ~heroic~ characters - he's wayyyy too serious. This almost made me want to watch the sure to be shitty Charlton Heston version. Charlton Heston gets on my fucking nerves, but I can imagine his Moses is probably a CHARACTER and that is absolutely what I need for this kind of mess. Ugh, do I have to watch that now? I do, right? 

ugggh. why

Long story short, please do less shit like this Ben and especially Joel. Especially you, Joel. I'm not a superfan of yours yet. And making dreck like this shit and Gatsby is not going to endear you to me any better. I like you, but why??? Don't make me stop asking why. You gave me some sort of a performance with Ramses, tho, so...just keep doing that...but in non-shit. DO YOU UNDERSTAND, FATTY??

Oui? Okay, good. We're all friends.

Byee!!!

Don't. 

The Nature of the Beast (1995)

Eric Roberts is in my A-list. Which means I'll watch, unfortunately, anything he's in. I have an A-list, B-list, and C-list. An example of a b-lister would be, horrifyingly, Stephen Dorff. B-list means I'll watch most of his shit, but some stuff - fuck no. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it...Derff might be A-list. Ugh, Deuces Wild. C-list is for actors I either just like (Tom Hanks) or am uncertain about (Amanda Seyfried), so I will watch some of their movies because I am interested in them to a certain extent, but I'll be way more discerning. Which is a bold-faced lie when you consider how much Seyfried-starring garbage I've seen, which is basically everything she has been in post-Big Love. But I digress!

Eric is A-list, so I watch whatever he is in. To say the least, it's been a journey. Something recently I watched starring him, which came out around the same time this^ movie did, was a "film" titled Love Is a Gun. You know what's also a gun? That movie. Pistol jammed right through my shitty teeth, aimed towards the roof of my shit-covered mouth, at my dead dumb brain. I did not like it, is what I mean. Mainly because Eric plays a ~normal guy~ in it, but also mainly because it was fucking atrocious.

I knew immediately that I would at least a little bit like Nature of the Beast. For one, the title, and for two, because I assumed Eric would be playing some sort of maniac, which is my favorite thing for his clearly real-life crazy ass to do. The movie starts off with some dude being murdered in a car, but we can't see who's murdering him. I assume said murderer is Emma Roberts' dad. Like, come on, who else would it be? Then after that we're introduced to Lance Henriksen (Jack), who is doing a nosy ass slow-crawl by the aforementioned crime scene. I don't know what the movie wants us to think about Jack. Do they want us to assume he's a mild-mannered businessman out on the road doing sad traveling salesman type businessperson shit? He looks immediately suspect straight away.

Which probably has ALL to do with the fact that he's played by fucking Lance Henriksen who looks like every villain in every eighties movie ever. Exempting the teen movies from the aidsies. All those towheaded jock angel bastards were played by Billy Zabka, who is probably (hopefully) dead now.

First we're introduced to Lance/Jack, then we see Eric/Adrian/Dusty. Jack is driving down some desert road when he passes Adrian who is attempting to hitch a ride. First, good job, Jack. Never pick up hitchhikers, particularly if they're wearing a fucking jean shirt. Second, oh my god Eric Roberts looks ridiculous/amazing. His hair is professionally blown out for no reason whatsoever and he's wearing TWO EARRINGS ON ONE EAR.

(this is like all I could find of those fucking earrings COME ON LAZY GOOGLE SEARCH FRONT PAGE, DO BETTER)

From jump street it's clear Adrian is a bad ass beauty queen. And a little bit it makes you wonder why Jack didn't pull over. Stop frontin', Jack. "Stop frontin', Jack" became a theme with me while watching this movie, but I'll get to that later, but in all actuality I probably won't because I often bring up topics only to completely drop them because I think I might be in the early stages of schizophrenia lol

Jack stops at a diner or some shit and goes to use the bathroom. Then Adrian's jean shirt model ass comes in and is all like YOU'RE PRETTY RUDE, DUDE or some shit like that. Because Jack didn't stop to pick him up. One, how the fuck did Adrian catch up with Jack so quickly? I GUESS he got another car to pick him up?? Two, WHO THE FUCK does Adrian think he is??? No one HAS to pick you up. It's not some law, or even an unspoken rule that car-havers have to pick fucking hitchhikers up. He truly had the audacity to come into that bathroom and grill Jack on why he didn't stop for him. And what does Jack respond? Well, first, he says some bullshit like "I didn't see you, then when I did it was too late". What? Does your car not have the reverse button? (Can you tell I don't drive and also that I am an alien here to learn your secrets?) After that, I think, he asks Adrian how the fuck he ended up out there in the first place. E X A C T L Y. RED FLAG STORE IS GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE! Fuck no I'm not picking you up! Then, FOR SOME LOGICAL REASON, I'M SURE, Jack tells Adrian he'll buy him lunch or breakfast or whatever. UMMMMMMM. I'm going to stop right here to drop a maj' spoiler alert. Jack is Hatchet Man. There's a guy going around hacking people up, he calls himself, faggotily, Hatchet Man. I thought it was Eric/Adrian/Dusty the whole time. I HAD NO IDEA it was Jack. Writing this ~review~ with this knowledge makes me see the movie a little more differently, but not any more clearly. Like, 1, whhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyy does Jack not kill Adrian from the start? He doesn't make any real attempt during their whole excursion, until they reach the cabin. He makes no attempt, actually. At the end, after Adrian finds out Jack is Hatchet Man, he asks him why he does it and Jack explains, beautifully, "For the fuck of it". So...I guess it's just random? But is it? I feel like there was an important reason to why he didn't try to kill Adrian, and just let him drag him along and harass him the majority of the movie. IMPORTANT GAY REASONS!

Like, Jack is crushin' on Adrian hard, right? That's why he kills the waitress who's snippy with Adrian and that's why he kills those kids Adrian was fucking in that van. Right? I feel like...this might be one of those movies where there's a ~big twist~ at the end, but when you go and watch it over again with this new-found information, it doesn't make sense. Like, the characters' actions make zero sense now that we know the truth. Now You See Me is a good recent example of this. Mark Ruffalo's entire character. It's like the writers wrote stuff specifically to throw you off track, but it entails characters coming off like they're aware they're in a movie and that they need to deceive their audience. NO.  

The title is referenced in a great scene during, I guess, the climax, when Jack and Adrian are playing cards and Adrian loses and is sore. He takes out his needle and heroin stuff to shoot up, and Jack makes some judgmental comments. At this point, Adrian does not know Jack is Hatchet Man. He says something to Jack like DRINK MOAR. Actually I think he slaps Jack's whiskey glass away when he says this. He's like really upset that Jack is coming at him for doing drugs. Then Adrian gets all up into Jack's personal space, lapsing into some intense monologue about how we're all born with a hole inside of us that we all try to fill with various substances/activities, instead of just accepting that we're empty inside and always will be. Something like that. He's saying all this, I think, to try to get Jack to see that he's not superior and to climb down off of his high horse and join his boyfriend Adrian in the pits of hell. The whole movie, Adrian would be saying similar things like this to Jack. But I never thought Jack was who he ~appeared~ to be, and I never thought he was coming from a position atop any horse. For some reason, I felt like he just made some sort of connection with Adrian and...cared about him? Is that just me projecting my love for gay shit? Like, he simply did not want his boo to hurt himself doing drug stuffs.

This monologue thing segues into Jack attacking Adrian, then tying him up to a chair and injecting him with a fatal dose of drug stuff. I can't remember what Jack said during this part, even though maybe it was important. But I do remember Adrian pleading "Please don't kill me, Jack" AND IT WAS ADORABLE. Jack watches Adrian "die" and at first seems excited (?) or pleased (?), but then covers his eyes a little and looks a bit horrified. Then he buries Adrian. POORLY, I might add. Because Adrian comes back to life and bursts free from his grave and shit. Oh my god, I'm totally blanking on how this movie ended. I think, Jack killed Adrian as Hatchet Man??? PROBABLY. The end.

What was this movie trying to say? Mid-way through I figured Jack was "the beast" the title refers to. All I needed to see were his alone moments in his motel room talking to his "mommy" and curled up sleeping with his hands between his knees, to know he wasn't a ~normal~. I figured he'd turn out to be the exact opposite. I'm so smart! EXCEPT NO, because I did not see him turning out to be Hatchet Man at. all. I never felt I had to question the fact that it was obviously Adrian. I thought that was why they were strangely drawn to one another. Adrian is a "beast" and he sees himself in Jack, a person attempting to conceal their beastness. But Eric's monologue towards the end semi-changed my mind on things, as well as with the reveal of Lance as Hatchet Man. I guess...maybe the movie is trying to offer an explanation for why murderers murder or why drug users drug use. THAT BLACK HOLE THING.

I don't know, I'm a dummy. That being said (not the right segue and also is segue even the thing that I am going for here??), I mostly really liked this mess. IMPROVEMENTS: Make this a two-person play/film only. And give me some neck kisses. There should've been WAY MORE gay shit

and WAY LESS side characters. I could have watched a 45-minute version of that scene of them in the cabin after Adrian lost the card game. 45 minutes of that and then the rest of the movie is just them being sassy-mean to each other in various seedy motel rooms while Jack is never not curled up in the fetal position with his pants off. ABRACADABRA, fixed, perfect film.

How did this movie rate on the E-Robs scale? Way closer to Star 80 then The Coca Cola Kid. Buen trabajo. (Confession: Did not fully see Coca Cola Kid. But...it was set in Australia, and E-Robs wasn't playing a fucking kangaroo so..............................................................................................)

And, maybe, coming soon, a Lance Henry scale?? STOP. But maybe. I might be into him now.

UGH.