Oh My Venus, episodes 1-4

So here we go again. The last k drama series I watched was Blood. Which I did not finish smh. I plan to, but I don't want to, please know. I haven't watched a k drama series in a while. I need to be...mentally...together to sit here and watch these shits lol. Am I mentally together enough to get through the k drama I'm watching currently, Oh My Venus?

AB SO

FUCKIN

G 

LOOT

LEE

NOT. 

This shit is so offensive lol I cannot. Like the whole premise is just wrong and awful lol like pleez!! 

And omg...to explain...the plot. Or the THOUSANDS of plots all going on at once sigh. So...omg I don't even know where to begin lol. The show starts off in 1999 and we get to meet "Venus" who is SO BEAUTIFUL OMGGGGGG. Or that's how everyone acts, anyway. When they were all on the school bus and gushing over her I was like This bitch BETTER walk on here looking cunt af. And thank god she was pretty lol and didn't have orange hair or I would've turned this shit RIGHT THE FUCK OFF!! 

So Venus is mad beautiful. So beautiful she thinks she can walk up to some street dudes and tell them to stop smoking? Or? Idk, girl, get your young ass on somewhere. (BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW THESE NIGGAS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HIGH SCHOOLERS BUT LOOK OLD AF????) There's some dude in a swim jacket with the two smoker dudes and he comes up to her like "You think cuz you pretty you can do whatever?" Uh, yah. Then fast-forward to this nigga like proposing to her after knowing her for three seconds?? I'm calling him Michael Phelps because I'm a racist pos and don't feel like remembering these complicated ass names, ESPECIALLY for characters I do not care about thanks!! 

So Michael Phelps tells Venus--imma just call her Venus this whole time probably. I actually do care about her character, but more than me caring about her character I am, like I mentioned, 1. racist, and 2. extremely tired. So. 

So Michael Phelps tells Venus she's going to be his first love. For me, Michael Phelps is not that cute. He looks dusty and his hair is uneven, but I guess Venus is into that? Girl, okay. 

Fast-forward to present day and this show is DOING THE MOST!! Venus is no longer such a Venus anymore. More like fucking...Saturn. The bitch is a fatty and this show is honestly doing the absolute most lol I just can't. Her fucking double chin and the ugly ass fat suit - oh lord. AND THE COMMENTS!!!! THE AUDACITY OF JUST ABOUT FUCKING EVERYONE CALLING HER FAT!!! Is this how it is in Korea? I definitely have experience with ~other cultures~ being a bit more brash with this sort of thing, though this is common in America, as well. To be very rude, making comments on another's appearance. But I feel people acknowledge it as rude over here, more than, it seems...in Korea? But honestly how ignorant do I have to be to assume k dramas entirely capsulize all of fucking Korea? Like, girl. But...the fact that this show even exists...............lol, kind of gives me an idea. 

Why are there so...many fat jokes? And not even just jokes, but also ugly ass ~serious moment~ statements. Like when that awkward, gawky bitch with the bangs whom Venus used to be friends with in high school said Venus told her fat people are fat because they are either lonely or troubled?????????????

BUT VENUS HAS HYPOTHYROIDISM. So. Which one is that, show: lonely or troubled?? BUT YOU KNOW WHAT!!?!?! DIDN'T JOHN KIM TRY TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE VENUS GOT HYPOTHYROIDISM BECAUSE OF HER ~LIFESTYLE~???? lol smh, is that how it works? I aint never heard that before. Sleeping on couches and putting sugar in your coffee gives you hypothyroidism?? Iono bout all that, Oriental Medical Doctor, John Kim. 

LET'S TALK ABOUT JOHN KIM'S ASS!!!

Wait wait wait, hol' up. One more second. This show is so horrible. Why is this shit full of mean stuff about fat people when they have Venus's fat as fuck, orange-pigtailed ass assistant walking around and nan' no bitch is commenting on her weight? I feel 1. awkward for her. Like the actress, who is actually fat. How does she feel about all these fat jokes and fat-shaming? And, 2. like REALLY fat people in Korea are basically invisible. Those are the teas I'm getting. Because no one even acknowledges this fat bitch besides Venus, and this ho barely regards her. She basically just asks her to get her coffee? I...can't. AND THE AUDACITY OF THAT ACTUAL LITTLE FAT BOY TRYNA CALL VENUS FAT!!! Wit his fat ass lol. Maybe it's okay for the dudes to be fatties??? BUT VENUS ISN'T EVEN FAT!!!! SHE CHUBBY!! More than anything she just a sloppy mess. Bitch, GET SOME CLOTHES THAT FIT!! You a lawyer walking around in high-waters? Lol or is that the style? Idk, but it shouldn't be, she look a mess. Cute shoes, tho.  

Sigh, let's talk about John Kim's cute bitch ass. I love So Ji-sub ever since The Master's Sun. He was like, so cute and mean? And he's basically playing the exact same character here? This whole show actually gives me a lot of The Master's Sun teas, without all the ghost stuff, but now we got Venus imagining John when he isn't there in the last ep and honestly, we might get ghost stuff eventually sigh. I don't want to speak too soon kill me.

But anyway I love this nigga and I decided to watch this because of him and I completely regret it :) Being a stan is horrible :') 

So Ji-sub plays John Kim, whoooooooooooooo???????? Lol who is he I'm heated. This show is mad annoying with his ~mystery~. It seems like John is...from some prestigious, rich family? Okay. But he's been exiled to America? Why? Idk. But it seems while in America he's been getting up to some mess. Particularly with ~Hollywood starlet~ Jennifer Anderson. Lol............................what tf is this Jennifer Anderson shit I'M SCREAMING I CAN't taKtAKE IT!!! 

First of all, what sort of "star" would go on a talk show to reveal their makeover? The only losers who would do something like that is like a Kardashian or Courtney Stodden or some shit. No major star is doing some embarrassing mess like that but it's so funny to me how...Hollywood is being portrayed in this lol. I mean, they're not totally off, but I just can't deal with the white people they be casting in these shits. Russian prostitute whore looking ass bitches lol like pleeeeeeeeeeeez South Korea, pleez. 

If for any second this show tells me that John Kim put his dick inside that Tara Reid Teen Mom looking trash receptacle they tried to portray as some famous Hollywood Celebrity, Jennifer Anderson, I'm turning this shit off and never talking or thinking about it again. I will pretend Oh My Venus never existed. I will delete my fucking dramafever app! I'm not playing!!! IF HE FUCKED THAT BITCH I'M LEAVING EARTH!! 

I'm confused, tho...............why anyone cares lol, about John???? So what? He was Jennifer Anderson's trainer? He helped get her body right? Oh...kay??? And??? lol. Like, what else?? The implication in the show is that he and Jennifer were in a relationship, but don't nobody care about some trashy celebrity fucking her trainer lol. That happens every day probably? 

Who?

cares???? 

It...has to be something else. Imma be heated if he fucked that bitch tho lol I'm not gonna say it again :) (Imma say it again).

John rolls with a squad of two dudes. It seems that in America...while also POSSIBLY fucking Jennifer Anderson, he was also training some dude in boxing? Girl. And here we go with the million different fucking story threads. Idk this nigga's name, but I screencapped his face tryna get a good pic of his cheekbones. 

I'm tryinnnnng so hard not to screencap lol. It's distracting and I need to pay attention to them BIG ASS subtitles so I can figure out all this confusing mess. Like, what is going on with the boxing. Or, no, is it cage...fighting? Oh my god.

BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE SEXUALLLLL FUCKING TENSION BETWEEN JOHN KIM AND CHEEKBONES?!?!?! 

THERE IS, RIGHT?!?!?! 

AM I TRIPPIN?!,!, 

Look...

probably.

There is such a non chance there is gonna be gay shit in k dramas, right? I like never see gay shit. If a character says the word "bitch" I clutch my pearls. That's how like chaste and conservative these shits be, despite all their ridiculously horrible characters. The only gay character I remember from any k drama series is Attorney Park or something from Nice Guy, right? But wasn't he fake gay cuz he was in love with the female lead but didn't want her to know or some mess? Nice Guy was so horrible lol.

Oh My Venus is..............lowkey giving me gay shit, though. I can't tell if it's on purpose or...they don't know??? But John Kim ~getting his anger~ out on Cheekbones when they be training is not not homoerotic. AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT LIKE IN THE BEGINNING WHEN THEY WERE STILL IN AMERICA AND CHEEKBONES WENT TO GO STAND BY JOHN AT THE POOL TABLE AND LIKE...TOUCHED HIM??? AND JOHN LIKE WINCED AWAY A LITTLE LIKE HE WAS EMBARRASSED?!?!?! AM I FUCKING BUGGIN?!?!

MORE THAN LIKELY, YES. BUT I KNOW WHAT I SAW!!!!! 

Also, what's the deal with Cheekbones? He's ~mysterious~, too. I know we gon' get the story on him, tho. He's the only secondary character whose unnecessary storyline I actually care about. What's up with all the scars?? Why he mad quiet and shit??? Spill the tea, Trish. But god plEEZ!!!! @ the side-stories of the other characters. Fucking Bangs and Michael Phelps' dull ass relationship, Venus' divorcee friend and her abandoned child lol, JOHN'S AMERICAN-KOREAN...assistant??

Can we talk about him???? Idk his name. Let's call him Annoying. He STAY callin' Venus "ma'am"!!! I guess the show thinks it's funny? And like, it is????????

:(

sigh. I hate comic relief in k dramas. Lol, ugh, not all of it. And obviously this one is more comedic than like a melodrama so there's obvi gonna be ~funny~ stuff, but WHYYYY is it so slapsticky and goofball? It's just

Sigh. But American Accent is growing on me. HOWEVER, I do not like when he speaks English. I am extremely annoyed by any sign of non-Koreaness in these shows. STOP!! But you won't, though. You'll just intensify the bullshit :') Pandering asses :') 

I'm here for the ~main romance~, though. Even though John Kim prob got herpes from Jennifer Anderson, or, at the very least, has decimated Cheekbones' entire anal cavity. So...he's coming into this romance with some baggage. He's also incredibly, incredibly rude to Venus lol. All the fat jokes and shit, and constantly talking about her abdominal belt and shit lol pleeeez. So rude and horrible. Also now he on some "YOUR BODY IS MINE" bs, which is...not not creepy. And THE ARM GRABBING. lol I was on some other site reading about k dramas because i have lost the will to live and they were talking about, like, all the "abuse" in k dramas and I was just cackling. Soooo much abuse. Don't...like...don't grab someone's arm?? You can just say like "hey" or something to get their attention?? Idk how it goes in Korea.....................

I'm still here for John Kim + Venus. Despite, soooo many reasons not to be. And this nigga tryna get arranged married now and shit. PLEASE!!! I have a feeling this shit is going to have me real-mad in the latter episodes. Iono, I'm just getting that itchy feeling lol. I don't want to be deceived by the comedyness of it, thinking it's gonna stay lighthearted the whole way through. I just know it's gon be some mess. I'm ready. Loljk, I am not at all. I really hope John ~realizes~ he loves Venus before she gets hot again, though. It's gonna look hella suss if all of a sudden she's mad beautiful and he's like OH MY GOD IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. I'm not gonna be here for that. I mean, it's obvious he already has feelings, but I need him to like...acknowledge them before she gets rid of that ratchet ass fat suit, or imma be feelin' some type of way!! 

They better not tell me he fucked Jennifer Anderson, though, or I'm cancelling my free dramafever subscription!!! 

Yo, but tell me why episode four ended with Venus bout to get slaughtered by some stalker?

lol what is this

Oh, anyway, here are some other s/cs I fucked up and took even though I told myself no screencaps I have no self control and want to die or idk just wish my body would accept that I am napping, so fall asleep now!!! So annoying. 

Delete this show immediately

................I was tryna get a good shot of Venus' fat suit. It looks fucking stupid. She's so cute, tho, stop being mean to her :(

sigh, anyway, to be continued...

:/

???: Hausu (1977)

Girl, what??

I have no idea. The most I could figure out:

There's a girl named Gorgeous, and she has like four friends: Mac (greedy fatty), Prof (wears glasses), Melody (plays the fucking piano), and Kung Fu (guess). The four girls are off to some camp or something, right? But Gorgeous is going on a separate vacay with her father. That all changes when--REAL QUICK CAN WE TALK ABOUT THEIR CREEPY PROBABLY TOTALLY INCESTUOUS CHEMISTRY??!?! No? Okay, fine, I'm over it anyway. SO INITIALLY GORGEOUS IS GOING on vacay with her daddy, but then at the last minute he springs on her that a special guest will be joining them. Gorgeous is excited like "Who??" and then this nigga brings out some soap operay looking vaguely asiany looking dream sequencey looking fantasy bitch who, like, literally glides into the room, and is accompanied by her own wind machine and shit. And she's wearing like billowy curtains as a dress? Girl. And the dad has the audacity to be like "This yo new mommy". Gorgeous isn't having it and checks no juliet on the rsvp card. She'll go to camp or whatever with her friends. 

EXCEPT! Camp is cancelled. For...some reason. The teacher guy said a thing, right? That dusty dude--Oh, I forgot Fantasy!! How could I forget Fantasy she was the one I decided I'd be. Or...I'd be a mix of Mac and Fantasy, I guess. With a sprinkling of that crazy aunt. Lol @ "sprinkling" when I am lowkey actually the whole 64 oz. tub dumped straight in, BUT ANYWAY! 

So anyway!!! Fantasy has a crush on that dusty teacher dude. What does this have to do with anything? BITCH. I DO NOT KNOW. But the camp thing is deaded. Until...Gorgeous gets this idea to visit her aunt???? Or I think she was missing her aunt and wrote her and the--NO, GORGEOUS WROTE THE AUNT THAT SHE WANTED TO VISIT WITH HER FRIENDS. That's the thing that happened, correct? Sigh. I'm not even getting confused by the actual confusing stuff, I'm just...I just have ADD and my mind is the mind of a squirrel, except I lack the fortitude and self-control to store nuts in my cheek for longer than any seconds that's what she said.

:(

Backstory on the aunt? Uhhh so. She was in love with--FIRST OFF, Gorgeous' mom is dead, who is...DUH...the aunt's sister. So backstory on, sigh, that. The aunt lost her sister. Okay. But before that she had a boo but he went off to Army and was killed and after that she became a recluse; basically Japanese Miss Havisham. Which means instead of some cobwebbed-haired and vagina looking ol' bitty, you get to stunt on hoes, ie:

Look at this ol' spinstery, no man having, never leaving the house ass goddess. KILLIN' EVERY BITCH IN THE GAME!!! 

When the girls show up at the aunt's hausu is when the movie really popped off for me. The first twenty minutes or so I was just slack-jawed and contemplating every few seconds "Should I turn this off?". What would I have watched instead? Something dumb, and easy, with no subtitles, b. That was making me feel hella basic and slow, so I decided to soldier on. And I'm glad because if I had turned it off I would have never met my queen^. I just really loved everything about the aunt right away immediately and couldn't wait for her to start eating those little hoes. And I liked the girls. They were all very cute. Especially Gorgeous, right? Like, what an apt nickname. But all of them were just so...snuggly!! Ugh, kill me. Even the ugliest, Mac. They were calling her fat and I was like "aw, only to Asians :')". So cute! But lowkey I can't wait for you all to be gobbled up by this weird ass, fake-crippled witch bitch!! 

LET'S TALK ABOUT THE AUNT JUST GETTING UP OUT OF THE WHEELCHAIR!!! I screamed for one hundred thousand million years. And one of the girls was like "...You can walk?". This reminded me of a Wheels & the Legman-centric episode of American Dad. I think their first outing. Look at what I'm doing right now. Why can't I focus? Sigh, when is TBS airing the new season of American Dad ugh they get on my nerves because I'm too lazy to check their scheduling. How dare they not respect their viewers by telepathically relaying scheduling information they're too lazy to Google, directly into their brains?!?! BUT I FUCKING DIGRESS!! Like. Her getting up out that wheelchair had me rollin'. Really everything the aunt did had me crying. She was mad obviously a cannibalistic witch, and I wonder why the girls ignored all those redflags. LIKE HER GETTING OUT OF THE WHEELCHAIR. It was so blatantly ignored. SHE JUST WALKED UP OUT OF IT. Omg and then her talking about how her dad used to kill people in that room or something? THEY FOUND A SKELETON AND JUST STARTED LAUGHING INSTEAD RUNNING CLEAR ACROSS THE FUCKING CONTINENT. Since when? Since when the damn do u find a skeleton in someone's home and laugh instead of turning into one yourself from shock because why is a skeleton just straight up chillin' in this bitch's living room??? And then how weird she was about the fridge!!! AND THEN WHEN SHE WAS EATING AND SHOWED FANTASY THAT EYEBALL IN HER MOUTH!! 

Look. I get that Fantasy ~imagines things~, but come on!! What a cheap, like, plot device thingy. Oh, Fantasy so happens to be the one to see all the crazy shit--WAIT NOW HOLD UP! CAUSE ALL THESE BITCHES SAW THAT HO RISE UP FROM THE ASHES OF THAT GODDAMN WHEELCHAIR LIKE SHE'D JUST BEEN BLESSED BY THE HOLY SPIRIT. She just easy breezy deezy stood up out that chair and not a single bitch screamed or even got an attitude like, "Ho, we been pushin' u around in this shit and everything...???". 

Yo, whatever. Lol like I'm mad they just kept ignoring so much obvious shit. Mad for no reason because this movie is not based in reality in anyway. It's like a fantasy horror comedy and, honestly, they could've had this bitch fucking levitate out that chair, look straight into the camera, and reveal where Tupac's hiding cave is and I would've had to just accept that. And lowkey she did most of that and I was sitting there watching like "smh", taking this movie at face value when it's literally about a house eating people. Like, okay girl @ me. 

This movie was amusing. At first I was struggling to care, then my goddess appeared and I got into it. I'd recommend anyone watch this, but I still walked away like..."what?". The thing with the aunt and Gorgeous sort of reminded me of...that Burt Reynolds movie...The Maddening. In that movie Angie Dickinson's sister "disappeared" and she and ol' toupée head imprisoned some stranger bitch to act as her...replacement. Angie's character definitely starts calling the replacement by her sister's name and shit. So...the aunt lured Gorgeous to her home to...replace...her sister? Okay, coooool. But what was the house eating thing about? Her grief concerning the dead beaux??? Idk, man. And then...what's gonna happen to ol' wind machine billowy curtains dress? She showed up at the end all soft lit and Vaseline covered lens and I was lowkey shipping her and Gorgeous, buttttttt...I'm pretty sure she's gonna get ate. Ah well.

WAS THE FLUFFY WHITE CAT GORGEOUS' MOM IN SPIRIT???

I'm so slow and want to die. 

DON'T LOOK AT MEEEEE!!!!!!

That Awkward Moment (2014)

Sigh.

I was excited for this movie when I first saw the trailers. Why? I don't know. No, look, Miles Teller.

Look at him. I'm a little baby chick fan of his despite only having seen him in semi-bit parts in Rabbit Hole and Divergent. But I'm into and here for it and I like his...accent and attitude and I can't wait to see Whiplash and I hope it's better than this mess. I'm also sort of a fan of Michael B. Jordan? But also semi sort of for no reason??? I mean he was serviceable in Chronicle and good in Fruitvale Station - there! Reasons! Nothing weird or superficial!

Really, I am just trying to act like my superficial love of a bunch of actors in this movie has nothing to do with me watching this unintentional horror film and being scarred for life. Okay, I'm being a bit dramatic, but also, not even a little dramatic? It's totally okay to want to see a film sometimes because it has a bunch of ~hot young actors~ you think are at least a lil semi-talented, right? Like, this is why I watch a lot of things. No, not a lot. But a significant amount of things. It's okay to do this sometimes and I shouldn't feel bad about it and also I shouldn't have to feel like I deserved to be burned. RIGHT? 

Sigh. At least I didn't see this movie for Zac Efron. He was like, the last thing drawing me to the movie. This isn't 2009, 2010 anymore after he made 17 Again and I got really excited for his movie career. We're not there anymore. We're in the post Zac dropping a condom on the red carpet for publicity, getting muscley, then getting fat, then getting fat-muscley, dating famous lesbian Michelle Rodriguez, Charlie St. Abortion era. Like, whatever goodwill he built up with 17 Again was completely squandered by him making a ton of embarrassing, garbage choices. I haven't seen Neighbors yet, but I can just tell there's no way he elevates that film in any way. I'll be seeing that sure-to-be mess for Dave Franco and Hannibal Burress and that's it. 

So I saw this film to see my babies Miles, Michael B and Imogen Poots, who has the best name of all time? Or second-best, because Powers Boothe. Also there's a human being on earth named Wings Hauser. So, third best. Unless Wings is maybe not a human being? (An eagle??) Then we can bump Imogen Poots up to second best human being name on Earth! No, but what about that random Indian singer dude who has like some crazy name pulled out of Mary Poppins' creepy miscellaneous goods bag? Ugh, what is that dude's name...Humperdink Hinglefink or some shit. But it's not a good name, it's scary and he should be put down. OKAY! Let's...ugh, let's start talking about this piece of shit. I guess. 

Zac and his meaty man titties plays some idiot named Jason. Miles plays Daniel and Michael is...Mikey. Great. Jason is a ~player~, and Miles is...I guess, also a player, but he's not as "hot" as Zac...so he gets...he's like a player by proxy, and because HOT JASON acts as some weird alley-oop serving wingman character for him? Like, basically, if Daniel wasn't friends with Jason he'd never get laid - that is what they were giving me. Whatever. Mikey is...a doctor or some shit, right? Idfk, but he's married, but his chick--the wifey--is like: BYYYEEEEE! And she's taking up with someone Mikey likens to Morris Chestnut, but his white ass friends don't know who the fuck Morris Chesnut is until Mikey brings up Boyz in the Hood and...I just wish that entire exchange did not exist. 

Zac/Jason and Miles/Daniel work in advertising I think? Making book jacket covers? Wait. lol What do they do exactly? Book marketing? I'll just do MARKETING in caps anytime I have to recall their dumb job. Wait, before we get into their stupid jobby job, the three amigos are at a bar I think trying to console Mikey over the break-up of his marriage and get him back into the dating game. Some bitch with glasses hits Mikey up and you think it's going to turn into a thing but literally nothing happens with her character. She gives Mikey her number or some shit and then later we see him Facebook stalking her and then?????????? I don't understand the point of her character and, frankly, I don't want to!!! 

lol anyway, so Jason does his thing for Daniel I think and gets him a chick? Idfk, but the ~important~ part of this scene is Jason harassing Imogen Poots' character, Ellie. Imogen Poots is sooooo cute and charming and Hollywood is going to try to make her happen and I'm here for it. HOWEVER, if they're going to try to make her happen in Titanic-sinking icebergs like this and Need for Speed, she might as well stay her ass across the pond. 

So really, we're supposed to garner that Ellie is being harassed by someone not Zac Efron at the bar. Some guy boring her with some bullshit, and then Jason comes over like *ZAc EFron FaCE* and gets into some weird bit about...being in a longterm relationship and dying in your soul of boredom??? DUDE, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF CREEPY GARTH AND KAT ASS BULLSHIT THEY WERE DOING, but somehow it led to Ellie thinking it was a good idea to take Jason home and fuck him. With condoms, hopefully. So, after they fuck, Jason wakes up and sees some items scattered about Ellie's apartment that indicate to him she might be a high class escort. Okay. He promptly proceeds to freak-out. My thing is, SO???? So what? The only thing that made sense about him freaking out was his concern over not being able to pay her. But...he woke up while she was asleep. What kind of fucking prostitute falls alseep on her john before getting the money? And if she was a proz, and asleep, and you can't pay, WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCKING LEAVE? You think this bitch is going to contact the cops on your doofy ass because you didn't pay? Come on. And money concerns aside, who would really be mad if they found out Imogen Poots' attractive ass was a high class escort? Who wouldn't be excited about becoming a regular customer? Like, really, bro? 

After Jason does a weird piss in Ellie's toilet, he takes my advice and leaves his Pretty Woman high and dry. He left zero duckets on the nightstand table. Not even a courtesy tip. Not cool, bro. Then the next day at work she's, of course, there. AWKWARD, BRO. Ellie's a new employee or some shit idk. And Zac, mature, loud-whispers to Daniel/Miles: "DUDE, THAT'S THE PROSTITUTION WHORE I FUCKED LAST NIGHT." After that, I forget who pulls who aside but Imogen is basically like REALLY, BRO? Like probably everyone watching, and certainly like how I was. And then you know what Zac/Jason says to explain why he just dipped on her? "I THOUGHT YOU WERE A PROSTITUTION WHORE". He seriously just straight-up says to her face he thought she fucked for bux and instead of kicking his fucking teeth in Imogen gets mad for like two seconds and then...Zac invites her somewhere as an ~apology~? I forgot where he invites her (likely Popeyes or, if he was trying to be fancy, Red Lobster), but the key thing to focus on in this moment is that Imogen just immediately forgvies him. WHAT? WHEN? WHERE? HOW? AND WHY? He is so fucking rude and gross and despicable and non-charming and I don't get why she wouldn't have just wiped her hands of him. I see if Michael B. Jordan pulled some mess like this, maybe you'd be like 'okay, i'll give him a second chance', but Zac Efron? Eugh. 

So I forget a lot of what happens after this lol, but def, Jason and Ellie start hanging out and falling for each other and it's predictably gross. Jason is still a playa, but we see him sort of not wanting to be a playa anymore? Blech, wateva. And also there are some B and C stories involving the ~lessers~: Daniel and Mikey. Daniel is hooking up with his friend turned lover Girl from Halt and Catch Fire. Could not care less. But any Miles scenes are good even though his story is like ................ And Mikey is over there in the corner having ~naughty~ sex with his estranged wife in...offices or whatever and...sigh. What is less than "couldn't care less"? Whatever that is, that's me @ Mikey's storyline. But it's always great to see Michael B in scrubs. 

(my face the entire movie)

Can I get a new hospital show and he's the star but he's a ghost and, at some point, someone, Peter Sarsgaard, the racist hospital chief, calls him a "jiggaboo"??? And then Michael B makes a face like "nigga, you don't know how true". Omg, and the show is called Spook. *dying in my sleep*. If someone just made a straight-up racist show like this I would be so happy. And please at some point Peter Sarsgaard, a homophobe and closet lesbian, tries to fuck Michael's character but his dick just...goes right through him!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME I SHOULD BE THE HEAD OF TV. 

OKAY! So back to the sigh plot ugh. Um, at some point - wait. First, Ellie invites Zacharius to a party. A costume party? I don't know, but for some reason this asshole shows up wearing a strap-on penis dildo thing? No one else has on a costume, tho. And he looks like a fucking prick (p not inty). And I guess I can understand trying to act confident in this situation like FUCK IT, WHATEVER but...Ellie's parents are there. Why wouldn't he be like, wait b4 I meet your rents let me TAKE THIS FUCKING STRAP-ON PENIS OFF. Wtf? And, of course, he meets the parents and they sort of low-key like him? Especially the dad? Ugh, in what world? And then the dad dies. And then Ellie calls Jason about it and he's like ROBOT DOES NOT COMPUTE. And to his friends he's like "Should I go to the funeral? Eh, it'd be AN AWKWARD MOMENT". And I think they tell him to go support her, BUT HE DOESN'T???? I really do not understand Jason. I get that he's an emotional cripple, but he seemed to be slowly melting into a human being under Ellie's influence. At the point of her dad dying it seemed like they had formed enough of an intimate bond that he'd at least think to pop by the after-funeral reception and pay his respects. What's awkward is not going. The bitch wouldn't have called you about it if she didn't want you to come be with her. And then after he basically refuses to acknowledge his sort-of girlfriend's dad dying, he literally drops all communication with her. I DON'T GET IT. Jason is not drawn up as some hopeless bum character, he's basically presented to us as this douchey-ish, peter pan-ish, post-frat boy type. Not, like, Scar from The Fucking Lion King. Who doesn't show up to the funeral of their girlfriend's father? And let's be fucking honest, they were dating. This wasn't some casual fling. They were getting serious, but I feel like this movie was trying to construct it in a way so that ppl like me would feel uncomfortable labeling it as something ~serious~; so there's a vague "excuse" for his behavior. So obviously whoever wrote this movie is basically Jason in Real Life. Stop letting white guys under the age of forty write shit. Like, I was going to get specific and say "romantic comedy", but no, don't let them write anything. lol what if some like fifty year old Indian woman wrote this shit. Nah, according to Hollywood, these individuals do not exist. #politics 

So, to wrap this garbage up, Zac tries to slut his pain away. Even though the person who should really be in any sort of pain is Ellie but okay. And then he's like *Cher Horowitz moment* Oh my gosh, I love Ellie! Someone kick this bitch in his throat, fo real. He goes to apologize, she's like, BIG SPEECH BASICALLY SAYING FUCK OFF. But then I think he tries to apologize a second time and she's like SIGH, OKAY. Because: life. 

The best thing about this putrid turd were the ending credit "goofs", which were extremely horrible and boring and it's hilarious that the ppl responsible for this film thought it warranted end credit bloopers. The entire movie was a blooper, nigga. lol come on! The best was one featuring Miles and Zac filming a scene in a coffee shop by a window and something happens, I think paparazzi start taking pics and Miles makes some joke about how they're there for Zac, not for him, because no one cares about him. Oh, Miles. No one cares about Zac, either. He probably called them. And, like, pretended to be embarrassed. Like, omg paparazzi! Stahp it, Zachary. And now, arguably, Miles is totally bigger than Zac. Right?? If he's not yet, he will be soon, and I'm so happy. But don't fuck up, Miles. Don't pull a Zac. Don't get muscles. And don't do coke lol 

lol I'm laughing so hard right now

yes hahahahahaha

Masterpiece of Shit Theater: Episode 1, Perfect Stranger (2007)

I knew about this movie. I think, when it came out, people were saying two things: "Halle Berry the Oscar Winner" with italics in their tone, and "What is this really weird long ass commercial?" I had no interest in seeing this until I was watching one of my favorite YouTubers ( u g h ) Qaadir Howard. He goes on random tangents about basically everything. In one video he was disparaging a popularish film he saw in theaters that everyone else seemed to like, but he didn't. I think, I don't even remember the movie he mentioned. But I do remember he offered Perfect Stranger up as an example of a movie which he did, that had a ~good twist~ that was interesting. Something like that. Anyway, my immediate thoughts were: "There's no way that movie is good." But I was intrigued. No one in the history of life has ever or since recommended this film. Until now. And also when Qaadir did it. sigh

I was sucked into this movie immediately, but I'm not exactly clear on why. In the first scene Halle's character visits this Politic Guy in his office under the guise that she...I don't know, makes picture captions? I have no fucking clue but she has all these photos of this guy on her computer cackling it up with his interns and shit. Right away it's clear he's fucking the ginger one in the pics, who is a dude. (GAY SCANDAL 2007). But it takes Halle's character a minute to reveal she's a reporter calling this dude out - who uses his platform to spout anti-gay gobbledygook - on fucking his crab-crotched intern. In this scene I was really worried this dude was about to just straight-up bludgeon Halle's character, put some rocks in her pockets, and toss her out the window. On fire. But then she says a bunch of stuff that sort of seems like it protects her from him murdering her immediately. It also prompts Politic Guy to be all DON'T PUBLISH THIS STORY I'LL DO ANYTHING!!! Then it's revealed Halle was recording this convo the entire time. And who was on the other end receiving this recording? NONE OTHER THAN !SURPRISE! GIOVANNI RIBISI!

!!!!!

Two things: 1.) I was so happy when Giovanni turned up. I think I knew in that moment, secretly, that this was going to get good. But it wasn't solidified until a scene that comes a short while later where it's clear Giovanni's character has a crush on Halle's. I think I rubbed my sweaty palms together in an I'm about to molest my stepdaughter sort of way, when that was revealed. But more on Giovanni's "crush" later. 2.) The funny thing about Halle recording her interacting with Politic Guy is that it's made to seem like this really revolutionary, cool new thing. Her boss says something really goofy like "YOU RECORDED IT IN WASHINGTON AND IT MADE IT HERE TO NY??!?!?" or something like that (I forgot the exact states he said), but Halle's character answers all proud/smug like "YEP!" It's comes off so ridiculous. But 2007, I guess. And probably this movie was actually made in like 2005. I don't even remember 2005. What was I - like, 15? lol  I watched One Tree Hill on a TV back then. It wasn't even digital cable. My god. 

Okay so back to Creepovani Creepbisi...(noooooooooo). At a bar later, to celebrate Halle's victory in achieving a career-making story, Halle and Giovanni are having some drinks. They're laughin' it up and it's cute and I totally ship them. Then Giovanni goes to get some more drinks or something and kisses Halle on the cheek as he leaves which is awkward but I'm like AW. Then her boss randomly shows up and is like "Watch out, next time it'll be on the lips", which should have been all the warning I needed for Giovanni's entire character (LATER). After that sassy snipe, he lays it on Halle that her story's being pulled. She figures out it's because the paper she works for backed Politic Guy in the last election, and promptly loses her shit. But my thing is, you knew your paper backed this dude. OF COURSE they'd reject a story like this. I don't know, it seemed really naive. But Halle has some pretty great yelling-in-a-bar stuff. She then quits, and races out of the bar into the night timey streets. 

IMMEDIATELY, someone is calling after her in the dark, briskly chasing her in the street. It's unclear if Halle can hear this woman, but I believe she could because when she reaches the sub station she appears to be rushing to make the car in an irritated way. I mean, she could have just really wanted to get home, but when the woman catches up with her after she misses the train car, it's clear they know each other and don't seem to be on the best of terms. This woman with a terrible haircut tells Halle she has a story for her. Essentially that she met some ~famous~ ad guy (It's Bruce Willis) in some chatroom (ugh) which turned into them fucking offline. He's married, she has e-mails. The whole time I'm like "So?", and Halle sort of says the same shit. I think, when she returns home, she looks the guy up though. Which only makes sense when you know the ~twist~, which I don't want to reveal yet because...it's not the right time. Not yet. But soon. (uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh)

Okay. Bad Hair turns up dead. Gruesomely. Oh, wait, first. Bad Hair and Halle had a history. They grew up together. ~Something happened~. It's revealed Bad Hair fucked Halle's boyfriend, but it's clear some other shit went down too. Like, Bad Hair has some sort of hold on Halle (ughguuguh). Anyway, she's fucking killed, so no more of that. Bad Hair's mom calls Halle like MY DAUGHTER IS MISSING AND THE POLICE SAID THEY FOUND THE BODY DO YOU THINK IT'S HER OH GOD. Halle's all like, "No, I promise she's okay". Then in the next scene she's identifying this bitch's body at the morgue. A psychic, this one is not. Bad Hair's corpse is fucked. Not literally (well, maybe). She was drowned, but I think first poisoned. With belladonna. Poured into her eyes and stomach and shit. I think. I don't know, but she looks gross. I'm...not sure who the movie actually wants us to believe killed this woman, but Halle's character is sure it's Bruce Willis' adman. Or advertising exec. Whatever he is. She begins to doggedly pursue finding evidence to prove her theory, with the help of Creepovani. 

Giovanni gets Halle a temp job at Bruce's agency so she can spy on him, but before we get into all that mess, at some point Halle slaps on some slinky ass dress and comes out to reveal it to Giovanni, who made me more uncomfortable than I ever thought possible with his no-hands masturbating ass reaction. The dress is definitely not for him. I thought it was for sleuthing on Bruce. I thought she was going to go approach him in a club or some shit and win his affections just by being fucking Halle Berry. Um, but, no. The dress was for her ex, whom Bad Hair fucked, remember. 

Halle brings him back to her apartment to do sex on him. I must note that when she left, Giovanni was sitting there on her couch eating sushi or some shit. She made some comment about how he should lock the door behind him when he leaves. And I remember being like "Why would you leave him unattended alone in your home, and how do you know he will leave?" SURE ENOUGH, as she's standing-up fucking Gary Dourdan in her apartment THAT SHE THINKS IS EMPTY BECAUSE WHY WOULDN'T IT BE, Giovanni is creepin' around a corner, watching/listening to her circumcise this lightskinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnned dude's penis worm. JUST STANDING THERE IN HER DARK APARTMENT BEING A CREEP. Here, I began making some guesses how this movie would play out. And those guesses were: GIOVANNI IS THE KILLER GIOVANNI IS THE  KILLER GIOVANNI FUCKING KILLED BAD HAIR AND JON BENET RAMSEY AND HALLE YOU NEXT. 

I never thought Bad Hair's killer was Bruce. He barely registered to me as a person of interest. But Giovanni had several flashing arrows pointing at his ass. 1. He's a natural-born creep. Creeps kill. 2. It was made clear his crush on Halle was a little bit more than that. In the beginning, I thought it was going to be a cute one-sided puppy love, we're close friends but I'm too puny for Halle to ever consider me a viable, non-laughable option type of thing. But very quickly he became weird as hell, exhibit a, hiding in this bitch's house, watching her do not-him. Also 3, There was a throwaway mention of him having seen Bad Hair recently, prior to her death. Halle was surprised he'd visited with Bad Hair and wondered why he didn't tell her about it. But Giovanni brushed it off. REDFLAGREDFLAG. 

Despite Giovanni clearly being the killer, Halle goes to work at Bruce's company to Giovanni on him. She's stuffing like Victoria's Secrets bags and other mundane shit.

(suspense and intrigue)

I have no idea if we're supposed to suspect any of these random characters introduced at Bruce's office, BUT I DON'T. So any scenes attempting to portray them in suspicious light are a waste of time. First of all, with a movie like this, the killer is always going to be ~A Name~. So we have three options here: Halle, Bruce, or Giovanni. If I have to look up who you are on imdb, even if you look super familiar and I've seen you in at least three different fucking HBO shows, you are not the father!

Again, despite Bruce definitely absolutely probably not being the killer, Halle strikes up some flirtation with him. Sigh, whatever. He's smitten, which works in her favor when he catches her trying to install some spyware shit on his computer. He thinks she's a spy for another ad agency and gets all yelly. But Halle ridiculously slinks out of the situation by saying she'd just come into his office to deposit a note. Something REAL DUMB referencing a conversation they had over drinks. She even sort of has physical proof to back up her lie. He believes her, and they go out to a restaurant or some shit. They're making out and it's gross, when Halle excuses herself to use the bathroom and probably vomit all over the walls. Dummy leaves her phone behind. The phone rings or beeps or something, and nosy ass Bruce opens it up to be a nosy ass. He reads a text from Giovanni basically saying: NO, YOU BALDING FUCK, SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU. SHE WAS IN YOUR OFFICE DOING SPY STUFF LIKE YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS, YOU PENIS-BRAINED SIMPLETON. 

I decided, after Bruce read the text, to give him another chance to prove to me he was a worthy suspect in Bad Hair's killing. I would study his next moves closely. What he'd do, now that he had proof Halle was lying to him. They get into his car and Bruce is being weird and fake-creepy. Like smiling to himself, I guess. Sigh. He confronts Halle and is yelly again. She admits to being a spy, but allows him to believe it's for a rival ad agency. At some point he attempts to punch her, but stops himself. Sigh. What killer has impulse control? SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH. He lets her go from his car and that's basically it. The next day Giovanni calls Halle freaking out, like, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME BLAH BLAH. She tells him Bruce caught her, and that her gaining access to his computer is not going to happen. Giovanni says something like don't worry, come to my place later and we'll talk about stuff. Halle says okay and Giovanni practically comes in his pants. But before that, Halle goes to visit her mother, who, I think, ...is in an insane asylum????

Now...throughout the film, Halle's been having these weird flashbacks to her childhood which, even though they were all up in my fucking face, I chose to mainly ignore in relation to determining who the killer was. HAVE YOU FIGURED OUT WHO THE KILLER IS? Is anyone even reading this? (No.) In the flashbacks it seems Halle was being molested or about to be molested or some shit by her dad or stepdad person. Then there's a random little blonde girl. SIGH.

After Halle visits her catatonicish mom, it's later and time to go to Giovanni's...living quarters. Throughout the movie, there are several scenes where Giovanni is conversing with Halle on the phone, and in the background you catch glimpses of his shitty-creepy apartment. So it's great when Halle walks into his place and we get the full horrifying portrait. (What's with the candy-colored walls??) BUT FIRST we must address how when Halle shows up to Giovanni's place, he is not there. FOR SOME REASON, he's made plans to visit Bruce's office at the same time he's supposed to be hanging out with Halle. Siiiiiiiigh. So, Giovanni goes to Bruce's office under the guise of an IT guy. He's going to try to install that spy shit on his computer, I guess. Bruce turns up like FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER CALLING FOR AN IT GUY. Yeah. So, Giovanni says something about how when a computer goes down, the computer calls him. Which, NO. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU NO ONE BELIEVES YOU. Bruce is suspicious but only in a bald-headed idiot sort of way. He goes to clear some porn or whatever off his hard drive and makes Giovanni wait. I GUESS Giovanni thought he'd be able to quickly pop in to Bruce's office, install the spyware, then pop out to be at his apartment in time to meet Halle...? He appears to not have expected to run into any problems that would hold him up, which is hella dumb. There was a short moment with Giovanni at the office which made me doubt him, for the first time since basically fifteen minutes into the movie, as the possible killer. He sees these blown-up photos Bruce's wife took of eyes dilated with belladonna - the same shit used on Bad Hair. Giovanni's reaction seems like it could be one of a guy having the semi-shocked version of an a-ha! moment, but also I was like, "He just looks like that because he's being reminded of the crime he definitely committed." I never suspected Bruce's ~no name actress~ wife. Except for one second, then never again. 

BACK AT GIOVANNI'S BOMB SHELTER, he's not answering the buzzer. A person from his building comes out, allowing Halle to enter. She goes to his door, where he's left a key at the top of the frame. You just know she's about to discover some shit. Pretty immediately she hears the sound of her voice coming from his bathroom saying something like, "You're so sexy, Miles" (Miles is the name of Giovanni's MURDERER character) on repeat. Off of the bathroom there is a little room, which is where the sound is actually coming from. Inside, it's basically a bunch of shit cribbed from a magazine probably called Stalker's Fancy. Just a bunch of stolen ideas from better, more daring stalker hovels of time past and future. There are stalker photos of Halle up, arranged in some totally not creepy collage. A weird mannequin thing with one of the photos of her face pasted on it (solid D minus), pics of random naked female bodies posted up, etc etc. On his computer, along with that creepy recording of Halle's voice, are photos of Bad Hair engaging in various sexual intercourse positions with Giovanni. Even more damning, Halle sees Giovanni has been posing as Bruce online, chatting up both her and Bad Hair. While stupidly just chillin' in Giovanni's killer closet, clicking through all the shit on his evidence box instead of setting fire to everything and fleeing to the least sex trafficy city in Mexico, Giovanni comes home, busting Halle. 

UM, EXCUSE ME WHAT ARE YOU DOING, he queries, in what could maybe be considered a haughty tone. Or maybe he says "Who told you to come in here?" Either way, he has an attitude. Which is a little off base. But what follows is a great scene of Halle and Giovanni crying and yelling at each other. It was so cute. Aw, why can't you two crazy kids just learn to work it out? I can't remember if Halle accused Giovanni of being the murderer. I mean, probably. I just remember her saying he needed help. Then, in an effort to save his ass a bit I guess, Giovanni brings up the eye portraits at the agency and the belladonna AND HALLE STICKS TO THE THEORY OF FUCKING BRUCE WILLIS BEING BAD HAIR'S KILLER EVEN THOUGH SHE SAW ALL THAT I AM A SERIAL KILLER SHIT CUT WITH SAFETY SCISSORS AND PASTED WITH AN ELMER'S GLUE STICK ALL OVER THE WALLS OF GIOVANNI'S LAIR!

WHAT?! 

Bruce is brought up on charges and handed a guilty verdict! And I was like...um, okay. I guess...he killed her? But like the whole basis for his arrest was Halle setting up a date with him through the chatroom at a hotel, and the police showing up to arrest him instead. Based on...what, exactly, I haven't the slightest fucking clue. But once he gets a life sentence or whatever I just stupidly accept this as the end, being a dummy and forgetting ~the twist~. 

Giovanni was just a very large, living way past its expectant age red herring. What we get next, after Bruce going to jail, is some voiceover shit from Halle waxing on the nature of humans or some shit. I don't know, I think the gist is...I have no idea. I forget. People are never as they seem? Sometimes even you can't know yourself?? Whatever, cut to Halle pulling a bottle of belladonna out of the bottom of a can of hairspray from her medicine cabinet, then pouring the shit down the tub drain. Giovanni interrupts her to explain what the fuck. To Halle. To explain to Halle why she murdered Bad Hair. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbjhebkhsa djkewjnbfksjn

You see, Halle and her mom were neighbors to Bad Hair and her mom. So they grew up together OR WHATEVER. One day, Halle's dad, or step dad father figure person, is attempting to molest her in the bathroom. This is a flashback, by the way. You can tell because...there's a blue tint to the scenes? (!!) Anyway, Halle's mom comes into the bathroom and kills the dude. THEN, FOR REASONS I CAN'T EXPLAIN, Halle and her mom dump this guy's body in a grave they somehow dug out back their house, which other homes overlook. And Halle's mom is talking loud as shit the whole time about how they can never tell anyone about this. NO SHIT, BITCH, SHHH! Anyway, because they were too dumb to get rid of the body in a more secluded location, Little Bad Hair, from a window in her house, sees all. She basically spends all the following years blackmailing the shit out of Halle - do this for me or I'll tell! (blech) She's annoying as shit and a burden and stuff, so Halle bides her time, waiting for the perfect moment to get rid of/murdermurder this bitch. Bingo, Bad Hair shows up one day with e-mail transcripts purportedly from Bruce. She'll frame Bruce for Bad Hair's murder. Brilliant! While Giovanni is explaining all this, Halle is crying the whole time and also they keep changing rooms and positions as he's talking. Which doesn't make sense. Someone comes to your house and tells you they know all your horrible ass secrets in a long ass paragraph diatribe thing and you're switching from the floor in the hallway, to the couch with your head in his lap

midway through? I think you'd sort of just stay in one place feeling the whole time like you really have to shit. 

Next, they're in the kitchen. Blehblehbleh, ruining what maybe could have been a sweet (in a bitter way) moment, Giovanni decides now he will blackmail Halle. He's standing super close to her when he implies this, too. Saying, like, "What will you do for me?", pertaining to him keeping his mouth shout about the murder. I was just like, Dude, she'll prob just kill you like she did Bad Hair... Lo and behold, Giovanni ends up with a knife in his chest.

Cute. Halle calls someone - her boss, I think - crying like I WAS WRONG, WE GOT THE WRONG GUY, MILES ATTACKED MEEEE! She puts the belladonna bottle in Giovanni's pocket, then takes his hand and uses his probably stubby fingernails to scratch crazy-impressive bear claw sized scratch marks into the side of her neck. Done, police will believe her story. AND YET, as the camera pans up we see there was someone across the way in another building watching this entire interaction transpire. Then the movie ends, focusing on that Peeping Tom Asshole's eyes or some shit. For whatever and UM, OKAY.

Ultimately, I liked this movie. Is it a good movie? NO. But it had some good aspects. Giovanni, for one. And this was the first time I was ever really interested in Halle as an actor. I thought she had some good scenes. And there was some ridic creepy stuff - always my fave. Also, I did not see ~the twist~ coming. Because I am an idiot, though. Now that I know, it's obvious. I ignored like all the shit about her mom and childhood and stuff. Too distracted by Creepovani. I shot my wad too early on. (die) 

Masterpiece of Shit Theater is not about bad movies. It's about movies that are not good in a sense that a respectable sane person would say they were, but that I find in many ways charming or interesting or funny or fucked up or greasy or just too bizarre not to at least a little bit accidentally like. OR, something so bad it's made me physically sick. So either "so bad it's maybe good", or Battlefield Earth. No inbetweenie just-bad shit like most dreck turned out in theaters. After a while, all just bad movies are one and the same. Perfect Stranger? "So bad, you should've known Giovanni Ribisi would be in it, but even without that knowledge, you definitely knew Halle Berry was."

Random last minute aside: Look^ at this balding eagle douche sitting on her desk ugh this reminds me of that episode of King of Queens when Carrie's boss kept sitting on her desk and she tried putting sharp objects up to prevent him from doing it but he'd just move the objects........I really love Carrie Heffernen, is what I'm saying.

queen of queens