Needs more rough gay sex

So, this post is about, if you haven't guessed already, Exodus: Gods and Kings, a movie I saw.

Eughhh. Look, I don't give a shit about the bible and bible stories. Like, snooze, mah dude, snooze. I mean, I guess some of this Jesus & Friends shit can be made interesting. I was definitely inexplicably entertained by The Passion of the Christ, but overall...I don't care. If I'm going to see a movie about a dude who parted The Red Sea and it's not an inappropriate reference to statutory rape, you have to give me something else. Like, an interesting cast, or ~cool~ special effects, or, idk, Joel Edgerton in eyeliner. 

Or, more importantly, Ben Mendelsohn in eyeliner

Fuck a Moses, look at this^ Covergirl Queen. Also, accidental Animal Kingdon reunion??! Or, was this on purpose? Totally Ridley Scott saw Animal Kingdom and was like "cool" and then when he was casting for this mess he was like "oh, lemme get Xtian...and then...sigh what other actors? Oh, remember when I saw Animal Kingdom?" - he's talking to himself in the dark - "So I'll put some Aussie niggas from that film in my shit. Hmmm the...the best one. And then, that other one. The one who was killed like twenty minutes in??? Yes, he will be the second-billed star of my film. His white Australian ass will play like an Egyptian king or some shit. EPIC MASTERPIECE, CALLED IT!!!" 

No, I'm just kidding, Ridley did not think this deep about casting. He was just like to the casting people: "WHITE!" And they delivered. But I'm not here to talk about white-washing because I really don't give a shit at this point in the game. First let's focus on making actually good films. Consistently. Then we can tackle that whole "white ppl r king" thing that's been the rave in Hollywood since like the first day of Hollywood. But...wait. Maybe...maybe if this film had been cast more...ethnically...acurrate...would it have been better? Maybe. Honestly I think the badness of this film rests primarily on Ridley Scott's gross shoulders. He's just...sigh. Like, he's all about the special effects in my opinion. And they were cool...but like totally wasted because the movie was garbage. I know some ppl out there can love a movie if it only has cool visuals but *Katy Perry voice* NOT ME! Give me character, you piece of shit. Like, your little locust plague was cute buuuuutttt WHY DO I CARE NOTHING ABOUT HOW THIS AFFECTS ANYONE IN THE FILM? Oh, cool thing with that floppy dead baby. Sorry that I don't give a shit at all??? Because you gave Ramses nothing to work with?? For some reason this movie is mostly about boring insane ass (how both, idk) Moses???? Did Moses leave his family to, like, walk around and talk to some random, cunty little British boy? SINCE WHEN.

Wait. I am all over the place. Like this movie? No, that's reaching. This movie was pretty linear, I guess. Actually, I wish it was all over the place, then maybe I would have liked it, like, at all. I did like some elements. Do you want to know what they are? No? What do you mean no?? YOU'LL GET THEM ANYWAY!

-Ramses. Despite me saying up there how Ramses had nothing to work with, he was still Joel Edgerton, giving me bulky ass Warrior tease. 

And that eyeliner. Yes. I wished maybe this movie was all Ramses and we got to see him be really crazy and horrible and wearing like insane gold robes like that shit is okay. I am not familiar with Ramses as a thing. Like, I don't know his ~story~, but before Moses was banished I was semi-getting my life with Ramses threatening to chop bitch's hands off and him either being jealous of Moses or wanting to fuck him. OH! Speaking of rough gay sex: I'M SO MAD BECAUSE SERIOUSLY I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THIS STORY WOULD BE ABOUT AND IN THE BEGINNING MOSES AND RAMSES ARE IN SOME WAR/FIGHT THING AND THEY'RE EXCHANGING GLANCES AND SHIT AND EVENTUALLY MOSES SAVED RAMSES FROM BEING KILLED AND FOR SOME REASON I: 1. THOUGHT THEY WERE BROTHERS AND 2. WERE GOING TO DO INCEST ON EACH OTHER AT SOME POINT. None of this! None of it! Wtf??? I was srsly shipping them, then Ramses had to get in his anti-Semitic feelings when it was revealed Moses was a Jewface and send him packing. UGH. And then they're basically seperated the entire rest of the film save for that gay scene when Moses pushes his sword (penis) all up in Ramses's neck while he's caressing a horse or some shit, and then of course that final battle which was ultra gay and WHY DIDN'T THESE TWO JUST FUCK AND GET IT OVER WITH?!?! This movie really would have been amazing had Christian Bale and Joel Edgerton just engaged in the roughest fucking butt sex ever to be seen on film, smack dab in the middle of the movie. Like, it's twenty minutes long, and there's a cum shot. A bloody cum shot, because old timey old times.  

Ah, welll. I still liked Ramses even though he wasn't fucked up the ass (you know he's a bottom). Wish there was just more of him at home applying ointment to his bug bites. Honestly, a three hour long movie of just Joel Edgerton applying calamine lotion to mosquito bites? I will be first in line on opening day. Okay so I obviously lied about needing character. I am just super-shallow in other ways. Better ways, but still. 

-BEN MENDELSOHN. Like, the only real reason I went to see this shit. Lemme just post pics of him I just found of him wearing a FUCKING SHINY RED SUIT.

why

no

WHAT IS THAT MATERIAL? I HOPE IT'S A POLYESTER RAYON BLEND. Where do they sell that, Ben? Australian T.J.Maxx, like I don't understand. You are perfect? And I want to be dead?? 

So I saw this travesty solely for you. Like, sometimes being a fan of an actor/tress can be really daunting. Being a fan of Nicolas Cage makes me cry on the regular. But so far Ben movies have been mostly non-traumatizing. I think this was the first Benny Mendy(no) thing I've seen where I wished I didn't know he existed so I wouldn't be forced to watch his shit. Like, I am not actually forced. But I am. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. Ugh, anyway, when he showed up onscreen as Viceroy Hegep I was excited, because he was clearly playing a flamboyantly homosexual individual. I am almost certain at one point Ben feeds himself grapes?!?!? But at the same time of me getting excited about the character I was also like *two minute long sigh*. It was a mess, and also I knew his messy character would be disappeared for long stretches of the film and I was fucking right. At least I didn't watch this mess for Aaron Paul, who I am a fan of, but was burned by Need for Speed, so no more going to see movies just because of him. I feel bad for Aaron Paul fans who watched this just for him lol. Or fans of John Turturro (who are those??). And also maybe fans of Christian Bale?? I love...I strongly am into Christian Bale. I think he's definitelty in the top-tier of actors, but he's not like my ultimate Tom Hardy, who makes any role interesting, no matter what. If Tom had been Batman I wouldn't have been bored as fuck by him like I was with Christian's version. I feel like this is def a problem Christian has sometimes, especially playing like ~heroic~ characters - he's wayyyy too serious. This almost made me want to watch the sure to be shitty Charlton Heston version. Charlton Heston gets on my fucking nerves, but I can imagine his Moses is probably a CHARACTER and that is absolutely what I need for this kind of mess. Ugh, do I have to watch that now? I do, right? 

ugggh. why

Long story short, please do less shit like this Ben and especially Joel. Especially you, Joel. I'm not a superfan of yours yet. And making dreck like this shit and Gatsby is not going to endear you to me any better. I like you, but why??? Don't make me stop asking why. You gave me some sort of a performance with Ramses, tho, so...just keep doing that...but in non-shit. DO YOU UNDERSTAND, FATTY??

Oui? Okay, good. We're all friends.

Byee!!!

Don't.