That Awkward Moment (2014)

Sigh.

I was excited for this movie when I first saw the trailers. Why? I don't know. No, look, Miles Teller.

Look at him. I'm a little baby chick fan of his despite only having seen him in semi-bit parts in Rabbit Hole and Divergent. But I'm into and here for it and I like his...accent and attitude and I can't wait to see Whiplash and I hope it's better than this mess. I'm also sort of a fan of Michael B. Jordan? But also semi sort of for no reason??? I mean he was serviceable in Chronicle and good in Fruitvale Station - there! Reasons! Nothing weird or superficial!

Really, I am just trying to act like my superficial love of a bunch of actors in this movie has nothing to do with me watching this unintentional horror film and being scarred for life. Okay, I'm being a bit dramatic, but also, not even a little dramatic? It's totally okay to want to see a film sometimes because it has a bunch of ~hot young actors~ you think are at least a lil semi-talented, right? Like, this is why I watch a lot of things. No, not a lot. But a significant amount of things. It's okay to do this sometimes and I shouldn't feel bad about it and also I shouldn't have to feel like I deserved to be burned. RIGHT? 

Sigh. At least I didn't see this movie for Zac Efron. He was like, the last thing drawing me to the movie. This isn't 2009, 2010 anymore after he made 17 Again and I got really excited for his movie career. We're not there anymore. We're in the post Zac dropping a condom on the red carpet for publicity, getting muscley, then getting fat, then getting fat-muscley, dating famous lesbian Michelle Rodriguez, Charlie St. Abortion era. Like, whatever goodwill he built up with 17 Again was completely squandered by him making a ton of embarrassing, garbage choices. I haven't seen Neighbors yet, but I can just tell there's no way he elevates that film in any way. I'll be seeing that sure-to-be mess for Dave Franco and Hannibal Burress and that's it. 

So I saw this film to see my babies Miles, Michael B and Imogen Poots, who has the best name of all time? Or second-best, because Powers Boothe. Also there's a human being on earth named Wings Hauser. So, third best. Unless Wings is maybe not a human being? (An eagle??) Then we can bump Imogen Poots up to second best human being name on Earth! No, but what about that random Indian singer dude who has like some crazy name pulled out of Mary Poppins' creepy miscellaneous goods bag? Ugh, what is that dude's name...Humperdink Hinglefink or some shit. But it's not a good name, it's scary and he should be put down. OKAY! Let's...ugh, let's start talking about this piece of shit. I guess. 

Zac and his meaty man titties plays some idiot named Jason. Miles plays Daniel and Michael is...Mikey. Great. Jason is a ~player~, and Miles is...I guess, also a player, but he's not as "hot" as Zac...so he gets...he's like a player by proxy, and because HOT JASON acts as some weird alley-oop serving wingman character for him? Like, basically, if Daniel wasn't friends with Jason he'd never get laid - that is what they were giving me. Whatever. Mikey is...a doctor or some shit, right? Idfk, but he's married, but his chick--the wifey--is like: BYYYEEEEE! And she's taking up with someone Mikey likens to Morris Chestnut, but his white ass friends don't know who the fuck Morris Chesnut is until Mikey brings up Boyz in the Hood and...I just wish that entire exchange did not exist. 

Zac/Jason and Miles/Daniel work in advertising I think? Making book jacket covers? Wait. lol What do they do exactly? Book marketing? I'll just do MARKETING in caps anytime I have to recall their dumb job. Wait, before we get into their stupid jobby job, the three amigos are at a bar I think trying to console Mikey over the break-up of his marriage and get him back into the dating game. Some bitch with glasses hits Mikey up and you think it's going to turn into a thing but literally nothing happens with her character. She gives Mikey her number or some shit and then later we see him Facebook stalking her and then?????????? I don't understand the point of her character and, frankly, I don't want to!!! 

lol anyway, so Jason does his thing for Daniel I think and gets him a chick? Idfk, but the ~important~ part of this scene is Jason harassing Imogen Poots' character, Ellie. Imogen Poots is sooooo cute and charming and Hollywood is going to try to make her happen and I'm here for it. HOWEVER, if they're going to try to make her happen in Titanic-sinking icebergs like this and Need for Speed, she might as well stay her ass across the pond. 

So really, we're supposed to garner that Ellie is being harassed by someone not Zac Efron at the bar. Some guy boring her with some bullshit, and then Jason comes over like *ZAc EFron FaCE* and gets into some weird bit about...being in a longterm relationship and dying in your soul of boredom??? DUDE, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF CREEPY GARTH AND KAT ASS BULLSHIT THEY WERE DOING, but somehow it led to Ellie thinking it was a good idea to take Jason home and fuck him. With condoms, hopefully. So, after they fuck, Jason wakes up and sees some items scattered about Ellie's apartment that indicate to him she might be a high class escort. Okay. He promptly proceeds to freak-out. My thing is, SO???? So what? The only thing that made sense about him freaking out was his concern over not being able to pay her. But...he woke up while she was asleep. What kind of fucking prostitute falls alseep on her john before getting the money? And if she was a proz, and asleep, and you can't pay, WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCKING LEAVE? You think this bitch is going to contact the cops on your doofy ass because you didn't pay? Come on. And money concerns aside, who would really be mad if they found out Imogen Poots' attractive ass was a high class escort? Who wouldn't be excited about becoming a regular customer? Like, really, bro? 

After Jason does a weird piss in Ellie's toilet, he takes my advice and leaves his Pretty Woman high and dry. He left zero duckets on the nightstand table. Not even a courtesy tip. Not cool, bro. Then the next day at work she's, of course, there. AWKWARD, BRO. Ellie's a new employee or some shit idk. And Zac, mature, loud-whispers to Daniel/Miles: "DUDE, THAT'S THE PROSTITUTION WHORE I FUCKED LAST NIGHT." After that, I forget who pulls who aside but Imogen is basically like REALLY, BRO? Like probably everyone watching, and certainly like how I was. And then you know what Zac/Jason says to explain why he just dipped on her? "I THOUGHT YOU WERE A PROSTITUTION WHORE". He seriously just straight-up says to her face he thought she fucked for bux and instead of kicking his fucking teeth in Imogen gets mad for like two seconds and then...Zac invites her somewhere as an ~apology~? I forgot where he invites her (likely Popeyes or, if he was trying to be fancy, Red Lobster), but the key thing to focus on in this moment is that Imogen just immediately forgvies him. WHAT? WHEN? WHERE? HOW? AND WHY? He is so fucking rude and gross and despicable and non-charming and I don't get why she wouldn't have just wiped her hands of him. I see if Michael B. Jordan pulled some mess like this, maybe you'd be like 'okay, i'll give him a second chance', but Zac Efron? Eugh. 

So I forget a lot of what happens after this lol, but def, Jason and Ellie start hanging out and falling for each other and it's predictably gross. Jason is still a playa, but we see him sort of not wanting to be a playa anymore? Blech, wateva. And also there are some B and C stories involving the ~lessers~: Daniel and Mikey. Daniel is hooking up with his friend turned lover Girl from Halt and Catch Fire. Could not care less. But any Miles scenes are good even though his story is like ................ And Mikey is over there in the corner having ~naughty~ sex with his estranged wife in...offices or whatever and...sigh. What is less than "couldn't care less"? Whatever that is, that's me @ Mikey's storyline. But it's always great to see Michael B in scrubs. 

(my face the entire movie)

Can I get a new hospital show and he's the star but he's a ghost and, at some point, someone, Peter Sarsgaard, the racist hospital chief, calls him a "jiggaboo"??? And then Michael B makes a face like "nigga, you don't know how true". Omg, and the show is called Spook. *dying in my sleep*. If someone just made a straight-up racist show like this I would be so happy. And please at some point Peter Sarsgaard, a homophobe and closet lesbian, tries to fuck Michael's character but his dick just...goes right through him!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME I SHOULD BE THE HEAD OF TV. 

OKAY! So back to the sigh plot ugh. Um, at some point - wait. First, Ellie invites Zacharius to a party. A costume party? I don't know, but for some reason this asshole shows up wearing a strap-on penis dildo thing? No one else has on a costume, tho. And he looks like a fucking prick (p not inty). And I guess I can understand trying to act confident in this situation like FUCK IT, WHATEVER but...Ellie's parents are there. Why wouldn't he be like, wait b4 I meet your rents let me TAKE THIS FUCKING STRAP-ON PENIS OFF. Wtf? And, of course, he meets the parents and they sort of low-key like him? Especially the dad? Ugh, in what world? And then the dad dies. And then Ellie calls Jason about it and he's like ROBOT DOES NOT COMPUTE. And to his friends he's like "Should I go to the funeral? Eh, it'd be AN AWKWARD MOMENT". And I think they tell him to go support her, BUT HE DOESN'T???? I really do not understand Jason. I get that he's an emotional cripple, but he seemed to be slowly melting into a human being under Ellie's influence. At the point of her dad dying it seemed like they had formed enough of an intimate bond that he'd at least think to pop by the after-funeral reception and pay his respects. What's awkward is not going. The bitch wouldn't have called you about it if she didn't want you to come be with her. And then after he basically refuses to acknowledge his sort-of girlfriend's dad dying, he literally drops all communication with her. I DON'T GET IT. Jason is not drawn up as some hopeless bum character, he's basically presented to us as this douchey-ish, peter pan-ish, post-frat boy type. Not, like, Scar from The Fucking Lion King. Who doesn't show up to the funeral of their girlfriend's father? And let's be fucking honest, they were dating. This wasn't some casual fling. They were getting serious, but I feel like this movie was trying to construct it in a way so that ppl like me would feel uncomfortable labeling it as something ~serious~; so there's a vague "excuse" for his behavior. So obviously whoever wrote this movie is basically Jason in Real Life. Stop letting white guys under the age of forty write shit. Like, I was going to get specific and say "romantic comedy", but no, don't let them write anything. lol what if some like fifty year old Indian woman wrote this shit. Nah, according to Hollywood, these individuals do not exist. #politics 

So, to wrap this garbage up, Zac tries to slut his pain away. Even though the person who should really be in any sort of pain is Ellie but okay. And then he's like *Cher Horowitz moment* Oh my gosh, I love Ellie! Someone kick this bitch in his throat, fo real. He goes to apologize, she's like, BIG SPEECH BASICALLY SAYING FUCK OFF. But then I think he tries to apologize a second time and she's like SIGH, OKAY. Because: life. 

The best thing about this putrid turd were the ending credit "goofs", which were extremely horrible and boring and it's hilarious that the ppl responsible for this film thought it warranted end credit bloopers. The entire movie was a blooper, nigga. lol come on! The best was one featuring Miles and Zac filming a scene in a coffee shop by a window and something happens, I think paparazzi start taking pics and Miles makes some joke about how they're there for Zac, not for him, because no one cares about him. Oh, Miles. No one cares about Zac, either. He probably called them. And, like, pretended to be embarrassed. Like, omg paparazzi! Stahp it, Zachary. And now, arguably, Miles is totally bigger than Zac. Right?? If he's not yet, he will be soon, and I'm so happy. But don't fuck up, Miles. Don't pull a Zac. Don't get muscles. And don't do coke lol 

lol I'm laughing so hard right now

yes hahahahahaha