The Whitescars haha :(

So, to preface, I'm not excited about this years telecast. I never really am, but I always expect at least one or two things will happen to interest me. I'm not getting those vibes this year. Also, I've barely seen any of the nominees so I'm not invested in who wins or not. Will any of this stop me from ~liveblogging~ this, tho? NO, IT WON'T. And some shit better pop-off. There better be a Pocahontas going in place of Brando moment OR I QUIT. Quit what? I don't fucking know, bitch - DON'T QUESTION ME!!

Hoo boy

-------

"best and whitest" haha self-awareness!! *Benefiber Cumberbun face*. 

ugh, singing. 

*Clint Eastwood face*

hmmmm, still singing. Interesting, interesting. 

I hope this doesn't make me hate NPH. Secretly, tho, I hope it does. I'm a hater @ heart and liking people makes my tits itch. In a bad way. ;)

Oh, cool, a ~cynical voice~. But it's still Jack Black singing.............................

Ew, gross, NPH is saying like ~inspirational~ shit. WHY. WHY CAN'T GERVAIS DO EVERYTHING??? I'll even settle for Seth MacFarlane. I liked the Boobs song fucking sue me. No, do it. I don't have any money so good luck!! *smug face*

omg look @ Lupitaknfklnlmdk. 

no omg I need to fucking see Whiplash. I'm so into this slapping shit. Especially JK slapping Miles Teller IT'S PORN GIVE IT TO ME. Oh, he won. Duh. This is going to be a srsly boring Oscars like all the categories are sewn up but isn't it like that every year come on me. wtf is this "Call ur mommy" PSA? Is he Drake like. AND HE DIDN'T SAY SHIT ABOUT MILES AND I AM DISTRAUGHT. 

Wait - but I don't care who NPH thinks will win?????????

ZERO IS HERE!KNKLNLIKNLEK wait, no, what is his human name? Tony Revelatori or some shit. NO, LOOK IT UP AND MEMORIZE IT UGH. Tony Revolori. But also? Anthony Quinonez????????????????????? 

What is not, in spanking bench's name, clearly explained???

I love how fucking waaaaaaaack this shit is right off the bat, like I can't wait for 2 1/2 more hours of this shit I'M SO FUCKING PUMPED R U KIDDING ME?!!? You got fucking Adam Levine featuring his friends Maroon 5 performing a fucking lullaby but only a lullaby if this was bizarro world and it was meant to keep you fucking awake with its shrill horribleness!!!! :)))))))

MINDY KALING IN A COMMERCIAL? WHAT IS IT FOR??? HOPEFULLY NOT THAT COTTON SHIT! OKAY, AMERICAN EXPRESS. OKAY MINDY KALING, OKAYYYYYY!!! TURN UP TURN UP OMG I'M SO BORED

RYAN PHILLIPPE?!?! FOR WHAT??? WHAT IS IT??? And Juliette Lewis?!?!?!? I should not. Be this excited. Over some fucking commercials. Come on Oscars whyyy

Remember when I used to care about Chris Pine? lol me either

look @ this Milena bitch. Is her neck broke or is she just like Walking Shade??? No, but for real, is something wrong with her neck??? European smugness/notgivingashitness??? Either way, I am intrigued. Finally! 

WHO IS THAT GLASSES BITCH SITTING NEXT TO WES PLZ TELL ME IT'S HIS BOO OMG IT'S SO PERFECT IT'S SO HIM SHE LOOKS LIKE DARLENE FROM ROSEANNE MIXED WITH TINA FROM BOB'S BURGERS MIXED WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER MILDLY OFFENSIVE STUFF AND ALSO A SNAIL? AND A BUNNY??? BUT MOSTLY A SNAIL?? 

Look I don't care about makeup and all these categories. This is something the Grammys does right: they don't telecast fucking shit. They handed out like 6 awards, tops. But that's also sort of a semi-concert and they have actual performances to fill in the time. What would they do here?? More...stilted banter??? MM, NO THANKS. JUST KEEP HANDING OUT THESE AWARDS I DON'T CARE ABOUT SORRY I BROUGHT THIS UP.

WAIT. BUT WHAT IF CHIWETEL AND NICOLE REALLY CAME OUT IN WHITEFACE AND BLACKFACE AS EACH OTHER?!?!?! THAT WOULD ACTUALLY BE INTERESTING. AND HORRIBLE AND PROBABLY AMERICA WOULD BE BOMBED AND RESTARTED OVER AS CANADA 2???? BUT IT WOULD BE FUCKING WORRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTHHHH ITTTTTTTTT. 

lol he kept speaking past the wrap-up music. Turn up turn up

I'm interested in the ~concept~ of Boyhood, but I feel like it might really bore me??? But I also felt that way about Tree of Life and I ended up loving that movie so. What was the point of this? No point? LIFE IS POINTLESS, FAM.

What is the purpose of seat fillers? Do they think people will turn away if they see empty seats or??? Like we'll be "Shit, if the audience is peaceing out, I'm peaceing out" lol actually, probably. 

MARION!!!! SHOW ME GUILLAUME!!

tegan and sara where?!?!? YES THEY'RE HERE IN REAL FORM THEY EXIST THEY'RE REAL. omg jorma *squee face*

pan to Oprah one more time. I dare you

Hmm...this "Everything Is Awesome" song is...concerning. I'd definitely use it to ironically soundtrack my suicide, tho. Or, like, leave it playing on loop instead of a note. Haha!

I LOVE. THIS MATT KIRKBY DUDE. or is it the other one? Idk but he seriously said "crikey" like ppl actually say that shit. AND THEN HE STARTED TALKING ABOUT FREE DOUGHNUTS. My nigggga...

oooh look @ this bitch's ball dress. Both of these crisis call center hoes are stuntin' omg.

Yesss Violaaaaaa. I love how anytime Viola is @ these award things she's always a little bit throwing shade. Like. Yes, more, pleeeeassssee. 

NPH's asides are really killing me. In that bad way. In that being some little Asian twink who Jeffrey Dahmer has his eye on way. 

David Oyelowo looks soooo cute omg. Like Redmayne has competition. Like no one else tho. All these niggas in basic ass black tuxes. CAN I GET SOME NIGGAS IN A SWAN DRESS? COME ON, BCOOP. I KNOW YOU GOT IT IN YOU. 

"Please welcome, my friend, Tim McGraw" Who is this bitch not friends with? Self Awareness? HAHA. I COULD HOST THE OSCARS HAHAHAH.  

Talking to my mom about Neil Patrick Harris a few secs ago I called him"NPH" and she was like "who?" and that's what I will write in my suicide note is the reason for me killing myself. I felt like she just found out I was a famous meme. But like, right after me vainly explaining what the fuck a "meme" even is. I would probably be like "um, like, a picture of a frog looking sad?? But a million times???" Riiight, will you please start seeing a therapist? Please!!

MILESSSS!!!! Also Margot Robbie is super-cute. I think I might be excited for Focus??? Hmmm we'll see. We'll fucking see!! 

Achievement in sound-mixing?????? COME ON, FAM!

Jared and those luscious locks yessssss you are allll I need fuck who wins this category. Wait lol why the fuck is Terrence Howard here??? And why am I low-key excited about it???? DIEEEEEEE. Oh, Patricia will win cool ugh GIVE ME SOME DAMN SURPRISES. JUST RANDOMLY GIVE IT TO MERYL SO I CAN LAUGH IN THAT WAY THAT MAKES YOU THROW UP A LITTLE BIT. LIKE THAT LITTLE SPIT-UP STUFF. 

Keira was giving me a lot of teeth in that clip YAAAAAS BITCH YAAAS

I still can't believe Emma Stone was nominated. I mean, okay. I haven't seen this movie yet. But, still, okay. 

lol her speech is extra as hell. I don't know where these people think they be aattttt lol. Like, you just won an award for playing pretend???? I don't know, fam. I don't know. Ugh, why can't I just be happy she talked up equal rights for women and, I don't know, water equality????? WHY CAN'T I JUST LET THINGS BE NICE?? Fuck nice, and fuck water. 

OKAY, JOSH HUTCHERSON. OKAY, BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA NEVER FORGET. 

"I don't get Rita Ora" - everyone, still, now, forever, and always. 

CHLOE GRACE MORETZ MY QUEEEN. Is it weird to call someone like ten years younger than you your queen? I BET PEOPLE OLDER THAN QUEEN ELIZABETH DON'T ASK THAT SHIT SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU MAKING ME FEEL WEIRD ABOUT IDOLIZING SOME SIXTEEN YEAR FUCKING LITTLE GIRL HMM?!?! WAIT HOW OLD IS SHE? IF SHE'S SIXTEEN THEN I'M ONLY NINE YEARS OLDER THAN HER TURN UP. Let me go check for real lol. SHE'S EIGHTEEN SHE'S LEGAL OMG TURN THE FUCK UP TURN IT THE FUCK UPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

"To Cooper and Miranda, thank you for all the nights you let me miss so I can pursue this crazy career" #badmomturnup

Shit Zoe loooks cute assss fucccck. Hmm I feel creepy. The Rock looks güüuüüüd too. So...handsome...and...man...ly. A male.

I haven't paid attention to like the last sixteen awards?????? Who cares turn up

Ayo Cheryl Boone wrap it up. Wrap it up, b. Ugh I miss Chappelle's Show. 

Wait - do I need to start caring about Behati Prinsloo? Her thumbs up is killllling me. 

Idris. If he's not the new Bond, I quit. Unless they choose Tom Hardy then okay. But if neither of them I QUIT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME???? No one. Is reading this. 

Oh boy In Memoriam. Time for people to make it awkward trying to only clap for the ~famous~~~~ ones. NO, THAT'S WHAT I FUCKING WANT TO HAPPEN. DO IT. I LIVE FOR THAT SHIT. Also, can I get one year where In Memoriam is just a picture of Olivia de Havilland and the caption below is "STILL ALIVE, YOU PIECES OF FUCKING SHIT!!!!"???? She is immortal, so, whenever. Whenever you're ready, Academy.  

Oh no. Singing. J Hud. Who did it last year? Bette Midler right? mmm that shit was awkward. 

"Like I'm not even watching this shit anymore. I'm on fucking Tumblr, fam." - me to myself. Alone. In my little locked room. 

Aww Damien Chazelle is a qt3.14 ugh that is so played but pie is 3.14 and then some other numbers but i'm not SOME FUCKING GEEK so I don't know the other numbers #thuglyfe

Oh, T Howard is presenting. lol his measly ass little voice. Sit down omg plz give me a new episode of Empire where it's just all Cookie and then maybe some Hakeem but only if Cookie is beating him with a broom. OH LORD WHAT THE FUCK IS TERRENCE DOING????? WHAT WAS THAT????? WHAT....WHY IS HE BEING EXTRA???? IS THERE SOME WEIRD TECHNICAL SHIT HE'S TRYING TO COVER UP FOR??? IS IT ALS???? ugh :(

Wow The Imitation Game looks boring as fuck I reallllly don't want to see that shit. It's so BIOPIC. Ugh, spare me. 

Oh Jennifer Aniston looks cute. Hmm but what was NPH's comment about two people who absolutely deserve to be here tonight? I mean, these niggas invited Terrence Howard and Channing Tatum, so, yeah. 

Oh the Oscars were postponed because MLK was killed? Coool cool the Oscars aren't racist do you fucking understand??? lol like that shit would ever happen now. Did they even have advertisers back then? There were like three channels and TV fucking cut off at like ten o'clock come on, fam, stop patting yourself on your botoxed ass backs ugghghghghghhhghhhhhh

Shots fired @ John Travolta. WAIT - BUT JVOLT (sorry) IS THERE. CAMERA DUDES FUCKED UP NOT PANNING---OOHOHOHO HOOOO OH!! I've never been so excited to see this fucking idiot in my life. And I never will be again. Yo, is he about to fucking eat her???? Get this Adeem Dazel bitch away from him right now

Wait why the fuck are we talking about The Sound of Music? ooh...Lady Gaga is singing...YOU DO KNOW JULIE ANDREWS IS STILL ALIVE, RIGHT????? ugh. This is cute I guess BUT WHY? Like why is...it happening? I guess it's some anniversary shit??? I was zero listening when Scarlett came out to talk because come on. 

YES JULIE A TRUE ACTUAL QUEEN. EXCEPT NOT REALLY, BUT BASICALLY. ugh she looks amazing

my sexuality: Adrien Brody winking

"Wes, you're a genius - this is good" <3333333

They're only on screenplay? COME THE FUCK ON WRAP THIS SHIT UPPPPPPPP. lol omg I've never been so annoyed lol no that's a lie every second I am alive is the most annoyed I have ever been. No but srsly plz end this plz end my misery jesus fucking AND WHY DON'T I SEE GUILLAUME NEXT TO MARION UGH IS HE AT HOME WITH THEIR BEBE UGGGGH WHHHYHHYHYHY PLZ NEGLECT YOUR CHILDREN FOR MY PLEASURE

Wait was Mr. Mom chewing on a fucking sugar cube?? Like some damn beautiful horse? NO BUT HE WAS DEFINITELY EATING SOMETHING, RIGHT? WHERE DID HE GET FOOD THIS ISN'T THE TACKY ASS GLOBES WITH THEIR FUCKING LIMITED TWO PLATES BUFFET

"...and the cardinal sin is dullness" SO WHAT THE FUCK WAS ARGO, HMMMM????? 

Is it an upset that Alejandro Iñárritu won over Richard Linklater? I'm here for it because he's hotter. THAT'S HOW WE NEED TO START VOTING FOR THESE FUCKING AWARDS. WHO'S HOTTER??? HMMMMM?!?! 

This Alejandro nigga always saying some wild shit, right? lol. Also he just said "little prick" and it feels like something that should be censored but that the censors didn't think about people saying? I LOVE IT. I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. 

Okay actor in a leading role. Michael Keaton, right? I REALLLY NEED TO SEE FOXCATCHER LIKE IT'S PROB BORING BUT I NEED ALL THAT WEIRD ASS SHIT CARRELL IS DOING RIGHT. THIS. MINUTE. lol they picked that scene where BCoop is yelling at that nursery bitch for his clip lol high-larity. Good choice, good choice. Ugh I just can't with The Imitation Game jesus that shit looks terrible omg. Michael K is spitting in his chosen clip HE DESERVES THIS AWARD. ACTORS WHO SPITTLE DESERVE ALL THE AWARDS FUCK REDMAYNE AND HIS CRIPPLED BULLSHIT. 

A FUCKING UPSET. THEY GAVE THE AWARD TO REDMAYNE EVENTHO KEATON DESERVES IT FOR SPITTING AT EMMA STONE R U FUCKING KIDDINGNG MEEE. no but I'm happy for him I guess sigh lol I haven't even seen the movie ugh but it's probably a good performance omg this is crazy tho right??? He has an Oscar!!! ugh it doesn't matter who cares we all die in the fucking end fuck it

#alsshoutout

Ugh I love when Eddie gives speeches. He's so private school. "I will be its custodian". JUST. 

EDDIE KNOWS SOMEONE NAMED PIP!!!!!!!! OF COURSE HE DOES OMG

Eddie's wife is hotter than Benedict's. That's why he won. This blog tells the truth - no bullshit, no filter. 

MARIIIIIOOOOOONNNNN. She won't win because life is fucking meaningless. 

hmmm this clip is making me want to see Still Alice. Which I have failed to force myself to be interested in. OKAY, TURN UP! TURN UP STILL ALICE!! 

I loved Rosamund in Gone Girl. #I'mnice

oh shit what was that clip from Wild? DON'T DO THAT TO ME. 

Okay Julianne won I can get behind that eventho I didn't see that fucking movie. She's Julianne Moore so it's okay. SHE'S NOT MARION, THOUGH, LET'S BE CLEAR. 

Aw her hubby took a little picture of her and Lupita is looking at this dude like "ugh, niggas can't stay off their phones for one second like THE GLARE IS BOTHERING ME" 

yeah that key dude definitely looks like Matty D. But, like, if he were 109? Or, he worked at Krispy Kreme??? Both????? 

Plz let Grand Budapest pull an upset so I can scream the entire time and maybe the camera will pan to Adrien and he dies??? 

oh shit Birdman won. It actually makes sense because that movie is all about the industry and ~throwing shade~~, right???? And voters probably got all excited like: FINALLY, SOMEBODY SAID IT. WHERE IS THE LIE???? lol, please. 

wow it's awkward to see Michael Keaton standing up there pretending like he doesn't want to Columbine the whole audience?? OKAY HE'S SPEAKING I FEEL BETTER NOW

Awww @ Michael. Awww he'll never be nominated again awwwww

alright, finally. SHIT!

American Sniper (2014)

I was under no illusions that I'd enjoy American Sniper. It looked very patriotic-y? Also, Clint Eastwood. I like Clint Eastwood but I'm not sure I'm here for his movies. The only one that I've really liked so far has been Million Dollar Baby, and that movie is sort of hella cheesy. But in a good way, mostly. Please don't talk to me about anything else he's done, though. Wait, no, let me go check his imdb page to see if he's directed other shit I liked but probably no but let me go check anyway real quick. 

Oh okay. I haven't seen everything he's done but I did like Play Misty for Me (mainly for Jessica Walter, obv), um...Changeling (mainly for Angelina come on) annnnnd that's it. Three movies, out of...way more than three movies. Good...good job lol. I used to like Mystic River but I rewatched it semi-recently and no. Just...just no. Overall, I'm not a fan of his directing. It's just not my taste, I don't necessarily think it's bad. Though sometimes maybe it is bad?????? Anyway, knowing he directed American Sniper was definitely not a selling point. When I initially heard about this film I got excited mainly for Bradley Cooper. But that was a while ago and now I'm starting to wonder why I like him??? No, like, I still do, but I feel like I don't have a reason and it's making me uncomfortable. Anyway, then I saw the trailers for the film and I was like: yawnnnnn. It reminded me of a bunch of other movies that have come out about this particular war. The one with Wahlberg, um...that other one. Where it was like real marines or some shit??? I hated Restrepo. I feel like I'm just like really uninterested in this particular war, film-wise. I loved The Hurt Locker though, but primarily because I watched it as gay porn. If I like any war-thing, it's because they're giving me strong homoerotic tease, and that's it. There's...not that here. Like there could have definitely been, but Clint is lame so...nothing. Whomp. 

Anyway, my reasoning for ultimately seeing this movie was whittled down to the fake dead baby. 

The fake alive one????

HE'S HOLDING A DOLL!!

I read about this on Buzzfeed or some shit and I was like: YO, WHAT AM I DOING? I HAVE TO SEE THIS SHIT RIIIIIGHT NOW. Then like a month later yawwn I did. Low-key I regret it lol. Nahhh I regret pretty much going to see any movie in theaters. I go to the AMC and it's mostly mainstream shit and it's all garbage. It's just all fucking garbage lol. So, you can tell I didn't like this. It felt sort of soulless? But you can say that about a lot of movies, it's like criticizing a movie for having plot or something. (Is it???????) 

I'm confused, though, about people saying this movie was propaganda? How so? I feel like if you watch this movie and think it's propaganda, or you think it's being pro-war...I don't know about you. It reminds me of those people who read The Great Gatsby and romanticize the decadence or think Jay is cool, or that Daisy isn't a dead-inside ass bitch. Or people who watch Mad Men and idolize Don Draper, or thought Breaking Bad was trying to make selling meth trendy or some shit. You're watching it wrong, you're reading it wrong, you're an idiot. Clint...shows Chris struggling internally and to me that's him just telling the story of this one seal. (He was a seal, right??). I don't see him really pushing any sort of views. That's not to say this movie isn't problematic, but it ultimately was going to be if you're only telling the story from the point of view of this one man. Like, that other sniper dude is sort of portrayed as a ~villain~ perhaps, but at the same time I thought maybe Clint was saying this guy was exactly Chris, but playing for the other side? Right? And that's being diplomatic or whatever. Though I'm sure some people watched this movie and got excited when Chris finally killed him, ugh whatever. 

So I didn't like this movie because it felt empty and also it was sort of boring?? It felt very ~~serious picture~~, which is BORING. Don't, like, try to make Oscar bait. It's lame as fuck oh my god. And, COME ON, if you're fucking trying to reel in them Oscar nods and shit HOW ABOUT GET A REAL LIVE BABY INSTEAD OF A FUCKING DOLL!! Like, you can't be serious??? It was so obvious and awkward and uncomfortable and distracting and what are you doing???? And you didn't only have a doll, you tried to put a fake CGI hand on it. OKAY THEN MAYBE JUST MAKE A WHOLE FAKE CGI BABY OR??? And then when Bradley was holding it HE WAS MAKING THE HAND MOVE ITSELF??? Hmm maybe he should be given the Oscar solely for that? Like, he should be awarded the medal of honor at least come on that was a bravura performance, pal. 

Should I talk about the performances? SURE WHY NOT. I thought Sienna Miller was good and solid and I feel bad for her. Not that she cares, but it's like, the suffering wife roles now??? I feel like she's been smacked on the back of the hand or something and has retreated into time-out or some shit. But, like, I semi-loved Factory Girl and I thought she was a capable It Girl and I want--wanted her to keep that going. You can still be an It Girl post-twenties! It just becomes It Woman or whatever. Or Courtney Love??? I don't know - but you can still be it!! I read some write-up of hers that said she was just picking interesting roles before but now she's just trying to work with respected directors/creative teams or whatever. UGGGGGGh. Fine, whatever. Like, I don't need Sienna to serve it to me in interesting roles, there are plenty of other bitches out here giving me some good stuff, but I was a fan of her more ~wild~ period, so it's annoying to see her be...chiller or whatever. But she was good here in her lame ass role, so yay ugh. 

I guess Bradley was good? Certainly not---you know. The Academy Awards don't mean shit, like everyone acknowledges this, right? I'll totally be watching tonight for all horrible reasons (Marion better bring Guillaume), but who wins doesn't fucking matter or mean anything. Like, you can't be serious giving AN ACTING AWARD to Gwyneth fucking Paltrow over Cate Goddess Blanchett, right?? LIKE YOU'RE HAVIN' A LAFF! So it doesn't mean anything, but I'm still always saying shit like not an Academy Award caliber performance..., even though I inherently don't put any stock into these fucking nominations and awards. Halle Berry has a fucking Oscar. Samantha Morton does not. Sam Rockwell does not. Gary Oldman got his 1st ever nomination for his lamest performance possibly ever in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy and it's like - wow you people really don't give a shit about performances and talent, just DID BEN AFFLECK SAY HE REALLY LIKED IT? Oh! okay, cool then, let me bubble in Bradley's name????? 

But do I agree with Ben, though?!!!!! Bradley was fine. Like he is in everything. But he's not stuntin' on hoes, and he never will. He's like Kevin Costner with an edge, which is like the worst thing probably ever said about anyone ever. Bradley is playing this guy who keeps shit to himself and it's hard to have a really juicy, interesting performance playing someone like that. You have to give eyes, you have to give little tics. I guess Bradley had some tics??? Cool coool. I thought his accent was horrific, but I've also heard people actually speaking like that and maybe Chris actually spoke like that??? I thought it was really try-hard, though. A lot of Southern accents are more subtle, unless you're from like those deep-country ass places and rarely interact with civilization. I also had a problem with...I wanted to laugh out fucking loud at that ending sequence where Clint is trying to portray that Chris has gotten over his PTSD by helping out other vets. He's on his way to a shooting range with one of those vets, who ultimately ended up killing him, and he's saying goodbye to his family and it's the fakest shit omg it was like a parody. He's walking around the house with a pistol and pretending to shoot at his wife?? Who does that? And she's like laughing in a summer dress and it's a fucking Valtrex commercial, straight up, b. And then Chris makes fun of his son in a playful way I guess and he says some idk playful shit to his fucking daughter gag ugh it's the worst. LOL THEN HE'S LEAVING AND SIENNA IS LOOKING AT THE VET LIKE SHE CAN READ AURAS OR SOME SHIT OMG IT'S THE MOST TERRIBLE SEQUENCE EVVVVVEEEER. Like, I shouldn't be laughing. No, not that I'm wrong for laughing, I mean the scene should have been better. Not been filmed at all, I mean. And then the movie ends like: "Chris was killed by that guy Sienna was staring at extra hard that day." Coolcocococl. Ugh, low-key this movie might've been terrible??? The most effective bit shouldn't have been the real-life footage of Chris' funeral. And then please don't show me a picture of what he looks like and he looks exactly like Chris Pratt and Chris Pratt exists and you could've fucking hired him??? I would've been so much more here for this shit if Chris played Chris. Ew stop underestimating Chris Pratt, it's making me uncomfortable. And stop overestimating Bradley Cooper???????? And maybe Clint can full-stop period or???? Watch he die like tomorrow and then I have to feel awkward for writing that. But also, secretly, like I have powers??!!? Am I a teenage witch like I've always dreamed up? Can I sneeze or wink or whatever and my outfits change at whim?? Pleeeeeease give this to me!! 

The Necessary Death of Charlie Countryman (2013)

Okay, wait, but look at this poster. Do other people have a Favorite Criers list as well and Shia is in their top 3 too and those people are who made this poster??? Could it be that I am not alone in the world? No haha I know I am this was just a christmas joke hahaha ha..a.hhbha. 

Okay so real quick let's talk about how the movie got to 00:00:01 and I was already immediately screenshotting shit. Specifically Shia in the tub siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

(is that a waterproof watch...???????????)

Three. That's not excessive. I'm doing fiiine. Also after this I promised myself I would just try to watch the movie as normally as possible and not screenshot like every time he looked like maybe he was even a little bit about to cry and uggggggggh it was soooo hard goddamn like that is his only fucking expression: perpetually on the verge of tears. Jesus this was torture. But I was able to semi-sort of achieve my goal of not filling up my ipad's memory with just pics of Shia looking like how you do when you're on the toilet after eating really terrible chinese food, which is any chinese food no shade. You know, you're just sitting on the toilet and you've been there for an hour shitting your soul out and you have those tears and maybe your ass is bleeding and some chunks of it have come off but you feel a little relieved??? HE LOOKS LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME AND I WANT ALL THE SCREENSHOTS OF IT UGH. No, but I want to be proper, so I held back. 

And I will continue my streak of trying to be proper by recapping this film in a normal way though we all (we? no1 reads thisssss) know this will veer off into some dark, horrifying corners pretty quickly. But let's try!!! (ugh)

So Charlie has just lost his mom played by Melissa Leo. I...am confused why whoever made this film thought it necessary to bring in people like Vincent D'Onofrio, Melissa Leo, Aubrey Plaza, Rupert Grint,  etc, only to waste them like crazy, give them no lines. Honestly, this whole movie is a waste. And the only person who gets a legit, meaty part is Shia. I feel bad for pretty much everyone else because they have fuck all to work with. I guess Mads has a sort of interesting part? And look, I'm not even a fan of D'Onofrio, Leo or Plaza, but...they're like...they have legit careers and resumes and have proven they add value to stuff so what the fuck? They're on screen for fucking seconds and it's awkward as fuck. Rupert Grint gets to be around a little longer but honestly it would've been better if he would've just been tossed one line and that's it because what the fuck? I can't even. I'm so annoyed! Like I'm thinking about it and I'm soo annoyed lol omg. 

But anyway!! Melissa dies. And Charlie can't handle her death scene, which he runs out on. And omg so tough because sooooo many Shia tears. I think I took one or two caps but just know: I was restraining myself hard as fuck. I can't tell if I feel proud or just annoyed I don't have 50 pictures of him weeping, because honestly I think I need to make a Shia LaBeouf Tears scrapbook. Like it's happening, there's no doubt, so whyyy am I even trying to act like I'm someone who wouldn't do that and needs material for it???? Wow I should really go back and get sooo many screenshots!! No, resist! Anyway, here is what I ended up taking: 

Beautiful. Also, pat me on the back because there was some stuff with him drooling and I didn't even try to screenshot that even though I wanted to the only reason I didn't was because it happened really quickly and probably it would have come out blurry so that's the only reason so definitely get your fucking hand off my back right fucking now. 

Charlie asks his dead mommy for advice. Her fucking ghost suggests he go to some place that sounds like Budapest but it's not Budapest but I forgot what the place was called but also it doesn't matter. Just know it sounds like Budapest but isn't. OKAY? 

My ish is...there's...like, how old is Charlie? Maybe that's not totally relevant. I guess we just assume he's twenty-something and move on from there? Okay, fine. But...how he is just jaunting off to some random country? Where is he getting money? Does none of this matter? We're just going to suspend disbelief? FIIIINE. Fine. I guess this is a fantasy-ish story, but ugh, I was sooo annoyed how they never addressed this stuff. BUT FINE. I'M FINE. 

Anyway, Charlie gets on a plane and he sits next to some dude.

^This dude, who falls asleep on him. I wanted to screenshot the shit out of that scene because Shia was giving me a fuckload of Even Stevens tease, but I didn't. It was funny, though. Like, I laughed. Shia's doing all this shoulder nudging stuff, trying to get this dude's head off him and then the dude wakes up and is like "why you touch me?" or whatever and it was...comical haha. Hah. Then Shia and this dude get into some chitty chat business. Wow I don't even remember what they spoke about, but at some point the dude mentions he has a daughter and bought her a funny hat. Then this nigga dies. Fun!!

I loved Charlie's reaction to this dead dude just being dead next to him on the plane. I wondered how I would react to some dude dying adjacent to me while on a plane. Like, I'd be fucking irritated, at least, ya feel me?? Like, alive people annoy me enough, I'm not tryna chill with some corpse, ya heard?!?!?!? 

So the plane lands and blah and then Charlie ends up meeting with that dead dude's daughter to give her a message from her dad and that dead dude's daughter is Evan Rachel Wood doing a...Russian accent?? Some...sort of accent from one of those places that still have communism and they only eat potatoes and how many offensive, ignorant things can I write before someone gives me a fucking medal???!!? 

Evan Rachel Wood is Gabi and she looks like this

pretty much the whole movie. I'm into her look but I feel the way they shot her was very...like, ~mysterious~ or something. I guess that worked for the character she was playing but it made me feel...detached from her. It got a little manic pixie dreamgirlish, not gonna lie. mmmmm, not even a little, though. It just flat-out was that. Like, let me not try to act like this movie was in any way good or doing new original shit because it wasn't. 

Charlie falls for Gabi immediately obviously because she's ~mysterious~ and has that shitty accent and looks like Evan Rachel Wood - what's not to fucking like?? But Gabi has a bunch of dramz going on in her life. Like, for one, she plays the cello. WHO PLAYS THE CELLO? Wait, it's the cello, right? It's some fucking string instrument, okay? Also, she has some husband (ex-husband?) played by Mads Mikkelsen and so Charlie should just go fucking sit down. For some reason, though, prob due to being a huge fucking idiot, he doesn't. He proceeds to pursue Gabi even though he knows Mads will prob kill him for even looking in her eyeballs?? Also he goes to stay at some youth hostel place where he meets Rupert Grint doing sit-ups, and fucking James Buckley being annoying as shit. However, I was excited to see him and took a screenshot of his stupid face

Am I getting a second mediocre ass Inbetweeners movie or nah??? OH SHIT OMG I JUST CHECKED IMDB AND THERE'S A SECOND ONE AND THEY GO TO AUSTRALIA AND I ALMOST JUST WANT TO IMMEDIATELY END THIS FUCKING DUMB ASS "REVIEW" SO I CAN GO WATCH THAT SHIT. But I'll wait. It's prob real real terrible ugggh but who cares give meeeee allllll myyyyy babbbbbies. Or, mostly just Will. No, I really love Jay almost as much and sometimes more--wait, hold on, let me stop talking about The Inbetweeners. This post is not, unfortch, about that. Wait, real quick, did I pull off "unfortch"? Can I make that happen??? I will answer myself: Yes, you can do it!!!!!! Yay, thank you plz get help. 

Mmm anyway, there's some blahb lah. Ugh, this movie annoyed me. I watched it for Shia LaBeouf tears and I got them in abundance, so I'm happy. Will I ever watch this mess again? HELL NO. First of all, what was up with the tone? No shade to movies/shows/etc that have all over the place genres and tones and shit going on because honestly I really love that shit. Like one of my favorite tv shows Shameless is all over the place and it is one of my favorites - see?? I really felt they were trying to do too much here but, like, failing in every aspect. It's like, hmm, maybe you should've just focused on one thing and tried real real hard to maybe get a B minus/C plus? Like if you just made a straight-up romance, or a straight-up action thriller or a straight-up comedy or a straight-up two hour long movie where the only thing that happens is LaBeef crying in a tub wearing a totally not at all waterproof watch?????????? You're doing too many things!! Master one thing really well, then call me with some mess like this again. Like, you're not Danny Boyle. You're not Tarantino. So fall back for a while, whoever made this movie I am too lazy to take. 0.01 second to go look at the imdb page for this movie that I have already looked at multiple times because how the fuck do you spell D'Onofrio??? (I know now ugh). I don't feel like looking again. I think the writer of this movie is named Matt Drake? Okay, so I'll direct my ire at him. Try again. Maybe...get a cool blog like me to hone your writing skills. That is my seasoned professional advice to you. Byeee!

Filth (2013)

Hmm. This is another one of those try-hardy "look what we're doing" type of films. 

LOOK. 

HE'S FLIPPIN' THE B TO A CHILD HOLDING A BALLOON OMG. Hey, isn't the middle finger the vagina symbol across the pond?? I feel uncomfortable with this non-American person appropriating how we do middle fingers. Fuck rugby.

James McAvoy, whom I'm unfortunately a major fan of now sigh, is playing some dude named Bruce. He's doing that naughty cop trope. Where he's like morally bankrupt but somehow working a job where he has to protect the public and serve justice or whatever. Coolcoollcoooool. Bruce seems to have...some problems? Like beyond his shitty attitude and copious substance and pussy abuse. As the movie went on I figured maybe he was bipolar? He was taking lithium, right? But I...it was unclear what was real or imagined with Bruce. And since he was going so off the rails I figured maybe he wasn't even taking it, or taking too much, or the pills and booze were interfering with the medication? Idk. 

I'm not sure I even feel like really getting into this movie. It was sort of annoying and all over the place thanks to the character of Bruce who was annoying and all over the place. Thank god he was played by James McAvoy, because at least I got to see him do facey stuff with his face

like this what is this

or this. look he's pointing and wearing that christmas crown thing they wear over there in not-America

and look here he is scowling or whatever in his xmas crown and omg he has a ginger beard jesus christ amen

Also, and most importantly, he cried a whole bunch. 

Like this hellllp. 

oh god help himmmmmmmmmm

For sure, Jimmy is getting added to my Favorite Criers list. Okay who do I have so far? Marion...Colin Farrell, Shia Labeef, Brad Pitt...am I officially adding Elisabeth Moss or nah??? Idk I can't decide. But James has definitely garnered a spot yesss my list is growing I am growwwing I am kiiiiing. 

Okay but how did I feeeeeeeeeel about this movie? I felt like: why? This mess was based off some book and gr8, congrats. I'm glad this questionable catastrophe exists, tho, because as I said unintelligibly above, and now unintelligibly here, again: James McAvoy and face stuff. Also, 

a wild Eddie Marsan appeared!! I lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve Eddie Marsan and I get excited anytime he randomly turns up, which is, thankfully, all the fucking time! What a strange creature that I can't believe is so regularly employed! Praise allah, 4 real. 

Alright, I'm over it. 14 stars out of 76.

Becoming Jane (2007)

The first time I saw this movie I thought I really liked it. That was circa 2008ish, when I was still a ~teenager~ and knew basically nothing. Like, I didn't even know about Ben Mendelsohn back then! I had never seen/been ruined by any Bergman or Fassbinder films! I probably still thought Garden State was not an entirely embarrassing effort! I was but a wee baby. Now I am calloused by life and by Bergman and the knowledge of Mendelsohn's existence all the way over in fucking Australia where I can't lure him into any basements because I don't think they have basements over there in their horrifying fucking spider jungle. Also, I've seen like twenty thousand different versions of Wuthering Heights and Jane Eyre and a bunch of other ~romantical~ period dramas since, sooooo...I can't like this movie anymore. 

But rewatching it as a hardened twenty-five year old, one fact has emerged: I like really love James McAvoy. 

Alright, alright. I'm annoyed it's taken me this long to like...lovelove him. I've always liked him. He's just like interesting and good and that's inarguable, but I was never obsessed with him. BUT WHY??? He has all the ingredients, what have I been fucking doing with my life?? Idk, man, but I didn't start realizing I was developing a ~thing~ until I saw Trance and inexplicably really loved that mess and he was like the main reason. Then after I saw Trance I forced myself to watch some horrible fucking cop film he was in with Mark Strong and it wasn't because of Mark Strong that I watched it? Like, omg, do I love James more than Mark Strong wtf is happening??? So whatever now I really love him and I have to watch everything he does which is apparently a ton of shitty cop films??? ("Review" for that Filth shit I just watched yday coming up yay ugh die). 

So anyway on my second go-round with this movie I really loved James dressed as a fucking leprechaun the entire time and basically that was the only reason. Anne Hathaway is here playing Jane Austen and it's whatever. I'm not a Hathahater, but like solely because of my love for Rachel Getting Married. Like that's the only thing keeping me from being like "ugh, just stop" every time I see her face. She'll never be able to ruin her turn in Rachel Getting Married for me...in my...heart, ugh. Um, but she's not bad or whatever. She's a mostly good actress, just sort of annoying, yeah? Which totally worked in Rachel Getitng Married, but in a lot of other things maybe doesn't??? Anyway, I don't really have too many complaints for her here. Like, I think people complained about her accent here, but it's not egregiously terrible to me. It wasn't distracting, so I'm good. 

Diddddddddd Anne and James have chemistry???? Gonna go with a no on that. Though they sort of tried, and that's...coooooool. Wait, but why did I like this movie the first time I watched it, though??? I think it was all the little faces James/Tom would give Anne/Jane. His little...idk, puppy doggish ~I feel romantical towards you~~~ eyes

Sort of like that??^ Ugh, I watched this on normal human TV so I couldn't (illegally??) screencap anything, but google gave me this^. Basically this^, him^^, that face^^. It's everything and it happens a lot and <333

But Tom is a dick. And it's ~problematic~ for me. Like when we first get him and Jane in a room she's doing a reading and, admittedly, it's hella obnoxious. Tom is all like "Jesus, there's writing on both sides?" And I was like EXACTLLLLY, OMG. But lol he should maybe keep those comments to himself??? Like, maybe don't be so loudly grousing about this bitch reading? lol it's rude as helllllll. And then he falls asleep omg. I would never fall for some dude who fell afuckingsleep while I was reading aloud some horrible stream-of-conscious esque bullshit I wrote. Like, HOW DARE YOU, SIR. DO YOU LOOK LIKE THE FUCKING LUCKY CHARMS TROLL??? 

I sort of hate this trope of Rude Dudes with 'Tude who sort of blow through like lil' tornadoes into these ~repressed~ ~uptight~ women's lives, ~shaking things up~. Like, EYEROLL. And Tom is hella condescending. Like, he says Jane can't be a proper writer because she hasn't had any experience. (?????????) Like tell that to Emily Dickinson, my pal. Did Keats have any fucking experience?? He was like twelve when he died, come on. Just everything about him was super annoying until they started making eyeballs at each other. But, like, did any of those aspects of his personality suddenly disappear just because they were ~making love~ to each other??? No! So I'm not shipping it!! And then you have this pussy nigga choosing his inheritance over Jane - like, what??? You really want me to root for this mess? Oh, okay, you give me some weepy bullshit about how he supports his family siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. Like. Tom. said. He can fucking get a job?????????????????? And what's with this self-defeatist ass attitude from Jane basically determining they'd always be poor? BITCH, SELL SOME BOOKS! Come oooooonnnnn. Like I can't even feel sorry for them because this shit is stupid. Just be together, figure some shit out! Jane aren't you like some strong, powerful feminist?? What's the damn problem??? Ugh, just annoyed @ everything. 

And then that ending.

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Who does this?! Who names their daughter after some bitch they used to fuck???? IT'S NOT OKAY. It's creepy ashell, bruh. And awkward as fuck. Omg I really need for this to happen to me in my life jesus this is amazing lol. 

Jane and her sister never married.

Teh dne. 

Peaky Blinders, Series 1: or All I can pay attention to are Cillian's cheekbones, or Where the fuck is Tom Hardy or Why does this remind me of The Take I wish I was watching The Take WHERE THE FUCK IS TOM HARDY no It's fine I love Cillian almost as much except I think I might be lying to myself about that????

Peaky Blinders is like the gayest fucking gang name of all time maybe??? I'm trying to think of gayer ones. (I'm pretty sure there's a gang called The Grapes? But also maybe I just want there to be???) Should I google what it means? So I just checked the definition of peaky and it means "pale from illness or fatigue; sickly". lol, okay. Off to a good start. Right and I've looked up the definition for blinders and the North American def is that shit you put on the side of horses' eyes. Alriiiiiiiiiiight. Also it means "something that prevents someone from gaining full understanding of a situation". Riiiiiight okaaaay this...isn't getting any better. I need to google both words together except no I don't I should just end my life but idk instead of that I'll just google "peaky blinders" and then maybe after, suicide or whatever. 

Okay srsly when you google "peaky blinders" they basically just direct you to links for the show. lol okie doke. Apparently, though, this shit actually existed. This gang. BUT WHERE DID THEY GET THIS NAME HELP HELLO WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MEAAAAAAAN. 

Okay so it was nice of me to waste a bunch of time making fun of the Shelby Bros gang name, but maybe I should stop doing that and start sigh talking sigh about the sigh show sigh. 

So I don't know how I feel about this show. Low key it might be mediocre. But it has a hot cast and some interesting...acting...??...from them so it's easy to ignore clichés and mediocrity. Definitely want to call out Helen McCrory and Sam Neill in particular for serving me it. Annnnnnd I think I'll also shout out Iddo Goldberg, for being goodish at acting but mostly for looking like this

I wish I had a better, more explicit (sigh) pic but this is my fave of him. Like, what are you doing? How are you born?? This dude is hot as fuck and I have a new obsession so that's cool for me!! He looks like a Socha but...more Jewishy, maybe?? Idk, I'm into it. And I think he's good at acting but I can't tell. I have to wait until the honeymoon phase of our relationship is over before I can decide. But I was def here for him in that scene where Polly sort of ambushes him at his mother's grave and he gets all in her face and then as he's leaving he does this

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH PLEASE NEVER DIE. Ugggggh but I'm looking at the imdb page and it says he's only in six episodes AR RE U FC UCCKING MIID KIDDDM MMMEEEE. I've held off on watching series 2 because I wanted to be an idiot and write about series 1 first for no reason because no one cares but, ugh, obviously he is fucking killed off in like the first episode of s2 and this is bullshit! BUT MAYBE HIS DEATH MAKES ROOM FOR TOM HARDY AND NOW I NO LONGER CARE!!! Everything always works out in the end :')

Another idiot I want to half-ishly call out is Paul Anderson who plays my baby Arthur. 

LOOK AT HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM. This is another one where I can't tell if they're doing good acting because I am bliiiiinded by looooooveeeee. But definitely Arthur is my favorite Shelby brother. He's so sad and pathetic. Like, he can't even kill himself right. Who uses a fucking jump rope??? Tragic. 

I loved Arthur right away. Like after the show took 100 hours with that fucking opening and Tommy finally goes to see his fam and Arthur is saying cliché things like "I'M IN CHARGE" because he's the oldest??? Even though it's obvious from the show posters that Tommy is in charge because he's Cillian Murphy??? ugh I fell in love with him immediately omg his little yelly face and then when Tommy got sassy with him and was like "I think so you don't have to" and Arthur is outside his office trying to gain back respect by yelling at his lil bro who totally just demolished his entire life and he looks like this

Like, how can you take a person who looks like this seriously? Are you wearing a bow tie, my dude? Is that a caterpillar on your lip, fam?? Where is the side of your hair, pal-o?? Like, I love you 4ver plz don't try to off yourself with a fucking jump rope again. At least not if you're going to bunk it up. Cum on. 

Oh god and should I talk about that shit with his dad. First of all: The Shelby brothers have a dad?? Well, yah, and of course he looks like this

Like if they're going to have an alive parent, this is def the move looks-wise. My favorite thing is that I believe this scar actually belongs to the actor. Fuck being afraid of his character, what's going on in the actor's life? Like, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? How did you get that? Were you credit carded?? (Yes, I've seen Green Street Hooligans; I know wussup). But seriously, how fucking dumb can Arthur be? He makes me so sad but also I feel bad for him. Like he's an idiot and no one respects him and his name is Arthur. He can't do maths. And omg remember when that gangster dude was like "Obviously" to Arthur when he said "I'm the oldest" - I DIE FOR HIM IN MY HEART. What a beautiful super-useless butterfly angel queen. I'm Tyra Banks-esque rooting for you, Arthur. You are my Tiffany. Can't wait for you to disappoint me greatly <33

Okay but how did I get so far into this mess without addressing Cillian Murphy, my whole reason for watching this shit? How could I fuck up so terribly? I'm being such an Arthur right now haha! 

:(

So I love Cillian Murphy. He's creepy looking and I think that might be my entire reason. No, he's also ~good @ acting~. Blatantly so? Fuck if I know! But I've been a fan ever since forever and I always will be so don't you dare try to make me not be, Red Eye or Watching the Detectives. Or...Peaky Blinders??? no. But...ugh, Tommy is so cold. This is basically Nucky Thompson in Boardwalk Empire, yeah? Where the lead is very...quiet? I don't want to use quiet, but definitely all the other characters are much louder. Like I want to see Cillian tear it up, but Tommy isn't really like that. Even when he's aggro it's very controlled. I'm all about over-the-top and scenery chewers. Cillian isn't that so it's weird I love him. It's honestly 99.8% his cheekbones, like, let's get really real. No! He's good! And I can tell! Like even if he didn't have that beautiful horrifying face!! Fun fact!: I'm listening to "The Water" right now and Cillian was in that short film thing for the song and he ~acted~ without doing words (right??) in that and so that's my proof that I love him for correct reasons??? ...Why am I always trying to convince myself I am a normal appropriate person instead of just admitting I love someone because they look like a woman who's been burned and has had terrible reconstructive surgery???? 

...

Cillian plays the unofficial head of the Peaky Blinders. He's all ~hard~ and shit from war. He's seen some shit. But I'm rolling my eyes 'cause it's not like this nigga served in 'nam. Call me when you're Lt. Dan, ok? 

Here's some screenshots I took of Tommy talking to a horse

I think from this scene we're supposed to be like: "human?". I don't know why we always need this shit in media. Who the fuck is really walking around out here as an entirely one-dimensional person?? WE KNOW PEOPLE HAVE MULTIPLE FACETS. Like, eugh. I just hate when shows/movies, etc get extra obvious with this ~the bad guy is not all bad~~~~~~~ bullshit. Yeah, that's called, like, being a person. You do some bad shit, you do some good shit, you do some inbetween ass shit. Some people, cough, do way worse shit than others?? But then...that's based on the belief there's some sort of judgment scale determining severity of actions or whatever. ANYWAY, PEOPLE ARE NOT JUST BLACK AND WHITE AND WE KNOW THIS AND WE DON'T NEED A SCENE OF A GANGSTER COOING TO A HORSE TO CONVINCE US HE'S CAPABLE OF NOT MURDERING ALL THE HUMANS. Wait but why am I going wild with the caplocks right now???? Why am I even...angry? GIVE ME MORE CILLIAN TALKING TO HORSEYS SCENES!! What is seriously my fucking problem?????

You know what I need to fucking really talk about? Tommy and fucking Freddie and their bromanceship. 

Yeah, you hate each other. *inserts Sure, Jan meme* *doesn't, though, becuz shame*. They're so fucking in love amirite??? I'm forever creating homoships out of thin air when there's like nothing to base it on, BUT THERE'S TOTALLY STUFF HERE, RIGHT?? LIKE, FREDDIE IS FUCKING TOMMY'S SISTER BECAUSE IT'S THE NEXT BEST THING, RIGHT??? And, Tommy totally implied that he thought this exact same thing, right?!?!!? Ugh, I know I'm never going to get a scene where Tommy and Freddie eskimo kiss the shit out of each other, but they are gayin' for each other and nothing or no one can convince me otherwise. Like, they grew up together and then they went to war and someone saved someone's life - it was Freddie who saved Tommy, right? Yes I want that version, it's gayer to me than if Tommy had saved Freddie. Don't know why. Don't ask fucking questions!! - Tommy is always giving Freddie a pass even though Freddie is forever causing problems for him; Freddie pulled a fucking gun on Tommy and he is still alive!! Ugh but I'm remembering "6 episodes" so maybe he gets called to account for all his shit ugh god no I swear to god if I open up series 2 and Tommy fucking kills Freddie I'm done! Done watching? No. Done...more in a...metaphysical sense. And hopefully you're like me and have no idea what the fuck metaphysical means so that sentence means something. Just assume it means I'm not not watching series 2, especially with the promise of some motherfucking Tom Hardy. Can I go one fucking second withouttomhardy metitomhardyoning Totomhardym Htomhardyardy?? Jestomhardyus! 

Do I want to talk about Grace? NOTTTTT REALLY. I'd rather discuss Sam Neill's entire everything, but before I get into that mess, I just want to say I think it's reaaaaaaal fucking dumb Tommy, such smart, couldn't fucking figure out that bitch was a spy. REALLY? Oh, he was ~blinded by love~~. GOT ON THOSE PEAKY BLINDERS, I SEE? IIIIIIIIIIIIII tried. And I failed! People make mistakes! Let's just fucking move on jesus!!

Okay so Sam Neill. 

I'm just going to call him Sam Neill because I never learned his character's name. So, hands down, who's the scariest person on this show? Sammy Neill, right? Like when he gave his little monologue to Tommy about how if he got fired before Tommy came thru with some info he'd kill his entire family and Ada's unborn baby was of "no consequence" to him - I WAS OFFICIALLY DONE AND DEAD. No, but then he like capped it off saying how he'd send Finn to the ass rapiest prison he could find? MY GUY!!! lol this nigga is craaaaazzzzzzy. Sam Neill is not to be trifled with and I loved how it made Tommy pull out his gun and almost fire at him like omg this dude is for real he got Tommy skidmarkin' in his panties a lil. Also, how is Sam Neill like the most terrifying person on the show but at the same time giving me a ton of comic relief? Like how every character mentions he didn't serve in France, or his scenes with Woolworth? Wait what is that dude's na--Churchill!! lol Woolworth. Come on. Sam's funny but also I'm horrified and that combo is my faaaaaaavvve. 

And can we PLEASE talk about his thing with Grace. First of all it was obvious from 21 jump street that this nigga was in love with her. And I cringed hard as hell when Grace was like "I don't need a father figure". BUT DO YOU NEED A DADDY, THO?? 

DO YOU????

OMG WHEN HE PROPOSED TO HER. I was yelling at my screen for Grace to say yes because I was seriously worried for her well-being. This bitch said no. WOW IS SHE INSANE. Wait okay, but imdb is telling me this bitch is around for series 2. SIIIIIIIGH. So she isn't dead, then? WHAT WAS THAT GUNSHOT, THEN? Come on ugh. Do I have to sigh talk about Grace now or sigh. 

-Was I into the singing? No. 

-I liked the bridge of her nose. I automatically can't fully hate people with good noses. Shout out to Adrien Brody. No I'm kidding I legit love him and not just for his nose but mostly for it tho. 

-I was annoyed how totally cliché out the ass it was for her to fall for Tommy. It's like [AUDIBLE SIGH]. Like, why does the woman spy have to fall for the dude she's spying on? uggggggggggh. And Tommy pimped her out to that Kimber dude!! oh, but he saved her at the last minute from being raped! What a fucking hero! What a goddamn prince charming omgggg!!!! Who the fuck would risk their career over that mess?? 

-OH, BUT, NO. SHE'S NOT INTERESTED IN SOME SILLY CAREER. SHE'S JUST HERE TO AVENGE SOMETHING FATHER MURDERED SOMETHING BLAH BLAH ARE YOU GODDAMN FUCKING KIDDING ME. 

-please stop, Peaky Blinders. Like, what are you even doing??? And you're bringing this bitch back eventho Polly said she'd murder that ass. OKAY, I'LL WAIT.

Alright series 2, let's do this. Don't get on my nerves. Be better. Tom Hardy. 

I'm going to for no reason end this post with all the screenshots I took of that IRA dude taking a long ass drink of water. The water was murky and he just slowly gulped the whole thing. True fucking bad ass. Tommy, take notes. 

Wetlands (2013)

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