Hoo boy
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"best and whitest" haha self-awareness!! *Benefiber Cumberbun face*.
ugh, singing.
*Clint Eastwood face*
hmmmm, still singing. Interesting, interesting.
I hope this doesn't make me hate NPH. Secretly, tho, I hope it does. I'm a hater @ heart and liking people makes my tits itch. In a bad way. ;)
Oh, cool, a ~cynical voice~. But it's still Jack Black singing.............................
Ew, gross, NPH is saying like ~inspirational~ shit. WHY. WHY CAN'T GERVAIS DO EVERYTHING??? I'll even settle for Seth MacFarlane. I liked the Boobs song fucking sue me. No, do it. I don't have any money so good luck!! *smug face*
omg look @ Lupitaknfklnlmdk.
no omg I need to fucking see Whiplash. I'm so into this slapping shit. Especially JK slapping Miles Teller IT'S PORN GIVE IT TO ME. Oh, he won. Duh. This is going to be a srsly boring Oscars like all the categories are sewn up but isn't it like that every year come on me. wtf is this "Call ur mommy" PSA? Is he Drake like. AND HE DIDN'T SAY SHIT ABOUT MILES AND I AM DISTRAUGHT.
Wait - but I don't care who NPH thinks will win?????????
ZERO IS HERE!KNKLNLIKNLEK wait, no, what is his human name? Tony Revelatori or some shit. NO, LOOK IT UP AND MEMORIZE IT UGH. Tony Revolori. But also? Anthony Quinonez?????????????????????
What is not, in spanking bench's name, clearly explained???
I love how fucking waaaaaaaack this shit is right off the bat, like I can't wait for 2 1/2 more hours of this shit I'M SO FUCKING PUMPED R U KIDDING ME?!!? You got fucking Adam Levine featuring his friends Maroon 5 performing a fucking lullaby but only a lullaby if this was bizarro world and it was meant to keep you fucking awake with its shrill horribleness!!!! :)))))))
MINDY KALING IN A COMMERCIAL? WHAT IS IT FOR??? HOPEFULLY NOT THAT COTTON SHIT! OKAY, AMERICAN EXPRESS. OKAY MINDY KALING, OKAYYYYYY!!! TURN UP TURN UP OMG I'M SO BORED
RYAN PHILLIPPE?!?! FOR WHAT??? WHAT IS IT??? And Juliette Lewis?!?!?!? I should not. Be this excited. Over some fucking commercials. Come on Oscars whyyy
Remember when I used to care about Chris Pine? lol me either
look @ this Milena bitch. Is her neck broke or is she just like Walking Shade??? No, but for real, is something wrong with her neck??? European smugness/notgivingashitness??? Either way, I am intrigued. Finally!
WHO IS THAT GLASSES BITCH SITTING NEXT TO WES PLZ TELL ME IT'S HIS BOO OMG IT'S SO PERFECT IT'S SO HIM SHE LOOKS LIKE DARLENE FROM ROSEANNE MIXED WITH TINA FROM BOB'S BURGERS MIXED WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER MILDLY OFFENSIVE STUFF AND ALSO A SNAIL? AND A BUNNY??? BUT MOSTLY A SNAIL??
Look I don't care about makeup and all these categories. This is something the Grammys does right: they don't telecast fucking shit. They handed out like 6 awards, tops. But that's also sort of a semi-concert and they have actual performances to fill in the time. What would they do here?? More...stilted banter??? MM, NO THANKS. JUST KEEP HANDING OUT THESE AWARDS I DON'T CARE ABOUT SORRY I BROUGHT THIS UP.
WAIT. BUT WHAT IF CHIWETEL AND NICOLE REALLY CAME OUT IN WHITEFACE AND BLACKFACE AS EACH OTHER?!?!?! THAT WOULD ACTUALLY BE INTERESTING. AND HORRIBLE AND PROBABLY AMERICA WOULD BE BOMBED AND RESTARTED OVER AS CANADA 2???? BUT IT WOULD BE FUCKING WORRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTHHHH ITTTTTTTTT.
lol he kept speaking past the wrap-up music. Turn up turn up
I'm interested in the ~concept~ of Boyhood, but I feel like it might really bore me??? But I also felt that way about Tree of Life and I ended up loving that movie so. What was the point of this? No point? LIFE IS POINTLESS, FAM.
What is the purpose of seat fillers? Do they think people will turn away if they see empty seats or??? Like we'll be "Shit, if the audience is peaceing out, I'm peaceing out" lol actually, probably.
MARION!!!! SHOW ME GUILLAUME!!
tegan and sara where?!?!? YES THEY'RE HERE IN REAL FORM THEY EXIST THEY'RE REAL. omg jorma *squee face*
pan to Oprah one more time. I dare you
Hmm...this "Everything Is Awesome" song is...concerning. I'd definitely use it to ironically soundtrack my suicide, tho. Or, like, leave it playing on loop instead of a note. Haha!
I LOVE. THIS MATT KIRKBY DUDE. or is it the other one? Idk but he seriously said "crikey" like ppl actually say that shit. AND THEN HE STARTED TALKING ABOUT FREE DOUGHNUTS. My nigggga...
oooh look @ this bitch's ball dress. Both of these crisis call center hoes are stuntin' omg.
Yesss Violaaaaaa. I love how anytime Viola is @ these award things she's always a little bit throwing shade. Like. Yes, more, pleeeeassssee.
NPH's asides are really killing me. In that bad way. In that being some little Asian twink who Jeffrey Dahmer has his eye on way.
David Oyelowo looks soooo cute omg. Like Redmayne has competition. Like no one else tho. All these niggas in basic ass black tuxes. CAN I GET SOME NIGGAS IN A SWAN DRESS? COME ON, BCOOP. I KNOW YOU GOT IT IN YOU.
"Please welcome, my friend, Tim McGraw" Who is this bitch not friends with? Self Awareness? HAHA. I COULD HOST THE OSCARS HAHAHAH.
Talking to my mom about Neil Patrick Harris a few secs ago I called him"NPH" and she was like "who?" and that's what I will write in my suicide note is the reason for me killing myself. I felt like she just found out I was a famous meme. But like, right after me vainly explaining what the fuck a "meme" even is. I would probably be like "um, like, a picture of a frog looking sad?? But a million times???" Riiight, will you please start seeing a therapist? Please!!
MILESSSS!!!! Also Margot Robbie is super-cute. I think I might be excited for Focus??? Hmmm we'll see. We'll fucking see!!
Achievement in sound-mixing?????? COME ON, FAM!
Jared and those luscious locks yessssss you are allll I need fuck who wins this category. Wait lol why the fuck is Terrence Howard here??? And why am I low-key excited about it???? DIEEEEEEE. Oh, Patricia will win cool ugh GIVE ME SOME DAMN SURPRISES. JUST RANDOMLY GIVE IT TO MERYL SO I CAN LAUGH IN THAT WAY THAT MAKES YOU THROW UP A LITTLE BIT. LIKE THAT LITTLE SPIT-UP STUFF.
Keira was giving me a lot of teeth in that clip YAAAAAS BITCH YAAAS
I still can't believe Emma Stone was nominated. I mean, okay. I haven't seen this movie yet. But, still, okay.
lol her speech is extra as hell. I don't know where these people think they be aattttt lol. Like, you just won an award for playing pretend???? I don't know, fam. I don't know. Ugh, why can't I just be happy she talked up equal rights for women and, I don't know, water equality????? WHY CAN'T I JUST LET THINGS BE NICE?? Fuck nice, and fuck water.
OKAY, JOSH HUTCHERSON. OKAY, BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA NEVER FORGET.
"I don't get Rita Ora" - everyone, still, now, forever, and always.
CHLOE GRACE MORETZ MY QUEEEN. Is it weird to call someone like ten years younger than you your queen? I BET PEOPLE OLDER THAN QUEEN ELIZABETH DON'T ASK THAT SHIT SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU MAKING ME FEEL WEIRD ABOUT IDOLIZING SOME SIXTEEN YEAR FUCKING LITTLE GIRL HMM?!?! WAIT HOW OLD IS SHE? IF SHE'S SIXTEEN THEN I'M ONLY NINE YEARS OLDER THAN HER TURN UP. Let me go check for real lol. SHE'S EIGHTEEN SHE'S LEGAL OMG TURN THE FUCK UP TURN IT THE FUCK UPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
"To Cooper and Miranda, thank you for all the nights you let me miss so I can pursue this crazy career" #badmomturnup
Shit Zoe loooks cute assss fucccck. Hmm I feel creepy. The Rock looks güüuüüüd too. So...handsome...and...man...ly. A male.
I haven't paid attention to like the last sixteen awards?????? Who cares turn up
Ayo Cheryl Boone wrap it up. Wrap it up, b. Ugh I miss Chappelle's Show.
Wait - do I need to start caring about Behati Prinsloo? Her thumbs up is killllling me.
Idris. If he's not the new Bond, I quit. Unless they choose Tom Hardy then okay. But if neither of them I QUIT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME???? No one. Is reading this.
Oh boy In Memoriam. Time for people to make it awkward trying to only clap for the ~famous~~~~ ones. NO, THAT'S WHAT I FUCKING WANT TO HAPPEN. DO IT. I LIVE FOR THAT SHIT. Also, can I get one year where In Memoriam is just a picture of Olivia de Havilland and the caption below is "STILL ALIVE, YOU PIECES OF FUCKING SHIT!!!!"???? She is immortal, so, whenever. Whenever you're ready, Academy.
Oh no. Singing. J Hud. Who did it last year? Bette Midler right? mmm that shit was awkward.
"Like I'm not even watching this shit anymore. I'm on fucking Tumblr, fam." - me to myself. Alone. In my little locked room.
Aww Damien Chazelle is a qt3.14 ugh that is so played but pie is 3.14 and then some other numbers but i'm not SOME FUCKING GEEK so I don't know the other numbers #thuglyfe
Oh, T Howard is presenting. lol his measly ass little voice. Sit down omg plz give me a new episode of Empire where it's just all Cookie and then maybe some Hakeem but only if Cookie is beating him with a broom. OH LORD WHAT THE FUCK IS TERRENCE DOING????? WHAT WAS THAT????? WHAT....WHY IS HE BEING EXTRA???? IS THERE SOME WEIRD TECHNICAL SHIT HE'S TRYING TO COVER UP FOR??? IS IT ALS???? ugh :(
Wow The Imitation Game looks boring as fuck I reallllly don't want to see that shit. It's so BIOPIC. Ugh, spare me.
Oh Jennifer Aniston looks cute. Hmm but what was NPH's comment about two people who absolutely deserve to be here tonight? I mean, these niggas invited Terrence Howard and Channing Tatum, so, yeah.
Oh the Oscars were postponed because MLK was killed? Coool cool the Oscars aren't racist do you fucking understand??? lol like that shit would ever happen now. Did they even have advertisers back then? There were like three channels and TV fucking cut off at like ten o'clock come on, fam, stop patting yourself on your botoxed ass backs ugghghghghghhhghhhhhh
Shots fired @ John Travolta. WAIT - BUT JVOLT (sorry) IS THERE. CAMERA DUDES FUCKED UP NOT PANNING---OOHOHOHO HOOOO OH!! I've never been so excited to see this fucking idiot in my life. And I never will be again. Yo, is he about to fucking eat her???? Get this Adeem Dazel bitch away from him right now
Wait why the fuck are we talking about The Sound of Music? ooh...Lady Gaga is singing...YOU DO KNOW JULIE ANDREWS IS STILL ALIVE, RIGHT????? ugh. This is cute I guess BUT WHY? Like why is...it happening? I guess it's some anniversary shit??? I was zero listening when Scarlett came out to talk because come on.
YES JULIE A TRUE ACTUAL QUEEN. EXCEPT NOT REALLY, BUT BASICALLY. ugh she looks amazing
my sexuality: Adrien Brody winking
"Wes, you're a genius - this is good" <3333333
They're only on screenplay? COME THE FUCK ON WRAP THIS SHIT UPPPPPPPP. lol omg I've never been so annoyed lol no that's a lie every second I am alive is the most annoyed I have ever been. No but srsly plz end this plz end my misery jesus fucking AND WHY DON'T I SEE GUILLAUME NEXT TO MARION UGH IS HE AT HOME WITH THEIR BEBE UGGGGH WHHHYHHYHYHY PLZ NEGLECT YOUR CHILDREN FOR MY PLEASURE
Wait was Mr. Mom chewing on a fucking sugar cube?? Like some damn beautiful horse? NO BUT HE WAS DEFINITELY EATING SOMETHING, RIGHT? WHERE DID HE GET FOOD THIS ISN'T THE TACKY ASS GLOBES WITH THEIR FUCKING LIMITED TWO PLATES BUFFET
"...and the cardinal sin is dullness" SO WHAT THE FUCK WAS ARGO, HMMMM?????
Is it an upset that Alejandro Iñárritu won over Richard Linklater? I'm here for it because he's hotter. THAT'S HOW WE NEED TO START VOTING FOR THESE FUCKING AWARDS. WHO'S HOTTER??? HMMMMM?!?!
This Alejandro nigga always saying some wild shit, right? lol. Also he just said "little prick" and it feels like something that should be censored but that the censors didn't think about people saying? I LOVE IT. I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.
Okay actor in a leading role. Michael Keaton, right? I REALLLY NEED TO SEE FOXCATCHER LIKE IT'S PROB BORING BUT I NEED ALL THAT WEIRD ASS SHIT CARRELL IS DOING RIGHT. THIS. MINUTE. lol they picked that scene where BCoop is yelling at that nursery bitch for his clip lol high-larity. Good choice, good choice. Ugh I just can't with The Imitation Game jesus that shit looks terrible omg. Michael K is spitting in his chosen clip HE DESERVES THIS AWARD. ACTORS WHO SPITTLE DESERVE ALL THE AWARDS FUCK REDMAYNE AND HIS CRIPPLED BULLSHIT.
A FUCKING UPSET. THEY GAVE THE AWARD TO REDMAYNE EVENTHO KEATON DESERVES IT FOR SPITTING AT EMMA STONE R U FUCKING KIDDINGNG MEEE. no but I'm happy for him I guess sigh lol I haven't even seen the movie ugh but it's probably a good performance omg this is crazy tho right??? He has an Oscar!!! ugh it doesn't matter who cares we all die in the fucking end fuck it
#alsshoutout
Ugh I love when Eddie gives speeches. He's so private school. "I will be its custodian". JUST.
EDDIE KNOWS SOMEONE NAMED PIP!!!!!!!! OF COURSE HE DOES OMG
Eddie's wife is hotter than Benedict's. That's why he won. This blog tells the truth - no bullshit, no filter.
MARIIIIIOOOOOONNNNN. She won't win because life is fucking meaningless.
hmmm this clip is making me want to see Still Alice. Which I have failed to force myself to be interested in. OKAY, TURN UP! TURN UP STILL ALICE!!
I loved Rosamund in Gone Girl. #I'mnice
oh shit what was that clip from Wild? DON'T DO THAT TO ME.
Okay Julianne won I can get behind that eventho I didn't see that fucking movie. She's Julianne Moore so it's okay. SHE'S NOT MARION, THOUGH, LET'S BE CLEAR.
Aw her hubby took a little picture of her and Lupita is looking at this dude like "ugh, niggas can't stay off their phones for one second like THE GLARE IS BOTHERING ME"
yeah that key dude definitely looks like Matty D. But, like, if he were 109? Or, he worked at Krispy Kreme??? Both?????
Plz let Grand Budapest pull an upset so I can scream the entire time and maybe the camera will pan to Adrien and he dies???
oh shit Birdman won. It actually makes sense because that movie is all about the industry and ~throwing shade~~, right???? And voters probably got all excited like: FINALLY, SOMEBODY SAID IT. WHERE IS THE LIE???? lol, please.
wow it's awkward to see Michael Keaton standing up there pretending like he doesn't want to Columbine the whole audience?? OKAY HE'S SPEAKING I FEEL BETTER NOW
Awww @ Michael. Awww he'll never be nominated again awwwww
alright, finally. SHIT!
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