Peaky Blinders, Series 1: or All I can pay attention to are Cillian's cheekbones, or Where the fuck is Tom Hardy or Why does this remind me of The Take I wish I was watching The Take WHERE THE FUCK IS TOM HARDY no It's fine I love Cillian almost as much except I think I might be lying to myself about that????

Peaky Blinders is like the gayest fucking gang name of all time maybe??? I'm trying to think of gayer ones. (I'm pretty sure there's a gang called The Grapes? But also maybe I just want there to be???) Should I google what it means? So I just checked the definition of peaky and it means "pale from illness or fatigue; sickly". lol, okay. Off to a good start. Right and I've looked up the definition for blinders and the North American def is that shit you put on the side of horses' eyes. Alriiiiiiiiiiight. Also it means "something that prevents someone from gaining full understanding of a situation". Riiiiiight okaaaay this...isn't getting any better. I need to google both words together except no I don't I should just end my life but idk instead of that I'll just google "peaky blinders" and then maybe after, suicide or whatever. 

Okay srsly when you google "peaky blinders" they basically just direct you to links for the show. lol okie doke. Apparently, though, this shit actually existed. This gang. BUT WHERE DID THEY GET THIS NAME HELP HELLO WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MEAAAAAAAN. 

Okay so it was nice of me to waste a bunch of time making fun of the Shelby Bros gang name, but maybe I should stop doing that and start sigh talking sigh about the sigh show sigh. 

So I don't know how I feel about this show. Low key it might be mediocre. But it has a hot cast and some interesting...acting...??...from them so it's easy to ignore clichés and mediocrity. Definitely want to call out Helen McCrory and Sam Neill in particular for serving me it. Annnnnnd I think I'll also shout out Iddo Goldberg, for being goodish at acting but mostly for looking like this

I wish I had a better, more explicit (sigh) pic but this is my fave of him. Like, what are you doing? How are you born?? This dude is hot as fuck and I have a new obsession so that's cool for me!! He looks like a Socha but...more Jewishy, maybe?? Idk, I'm into it. And I think he's good at acting but I can't tell. I have to wait until the honeymoon phase of our relationship is over before I can decide. But I was def here for him in that scene where Polly sort of ambushes him at his mother's grave and he gets all in her face and then as he's leaving he does this

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH PLEASE NEVER DIE. Ugggggh but I'm looking at the imdb page and it says he's only in six episodes AR RE U FC UCCKING MIID KIDDDM MMMEEEE. I've held off on watching series 2 because I wanted to be an idiot and write about series 1 first for no reason because no one cares but, ugh, obviously he is fucking killed off in like the first episode of s2 and this is bullshit! BUT MAYBE HIS DEATH MAKES ROOM FOR TOM HARDY AND NOW I NO LONGER CARE!!! Everything always works out in the end :')

Another idiot I want to half-ishly call out is Paul Anderson who plays my baby Arthur. 

LOOK AT HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM. This is another one where I can't tell if they're doing good acting because I am bliiiiinded by looooooveeeee. But definitely Arthur is my favorite Shelby brother. He's so sad and pathetic. Like, he can't even kill himself right. Who uses a fucking jump rope??? Tragic. 

I loved Arthur right away. Like after the show took 100 hours with that fucking opening and Tommy finally goes to see his fam and Arthur is saying cliché things like "I'M IN CHARGE" because he's the oldest??? Even though it's obvious from the show posters that Tommy is in charge because he's Cillian Murphy??? ugh I fell in love with him immediately omg his little yelly face and then when Tommy got sassy with him and was like "I think so you don't have to" and Arthur is outside his office trying to gain back respect by yelling at his lil bro who totally just demolished his entire life and he looks like this

Like, how can you take a person who looks like this seriously? Are you wearing a bow tie, my dude? Is that a caterpillar on your lip, fam?? Where is the side of your hair, pal-o?? Like, I love you 4ver plz don't try to off yourself with a fucking jump rope again. At least not if you're going to bunk it up. Cum on. 

Oh god and should I talk about that shit with his dad. First of all: The Shelby brothers have a dad?? Well, yah, and of course he looks like this

Like if they're going to have an alive parent, this is def the move looks-wise. My favorite thing is that I believe this scar actually belongs to the actor. Fuck being afraid of his character, what's going on in the actor's life? Like, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? How did you get that? Were you credit carded?? (Yes, I've seen Green Street Hooligans; I know wussup). But seriously, how fucking dumb can Arthur be? He makes me so sad but also I feel bad for him. Like he's an idiot and no one respects him and his name is Arthur. He can't do maths. And omg remember when that gangster dude was like "Obviously" to Arthur when he said "I'm the oldest" - I DIE FOR HIM IN MY HEART. What a beautiful super-useless butterfly angel queen. I'm Tyra Banks-esque rooting for you, Arthur. You are my Tiffany. Can't wait for you to disappoint me greatly <33

Okay but how did I get so far into this mess without addressing Cillian Murphy, my whole reason for watching this shit? How could I fuck up so terribly? I'm being such an Arthur right now haha! 

:(

So I love Cillian Murphy. He's creepy looking and I think that might be my entire reason. No, he's also ~good @ acting~. Blatantly so? Fuck if I know! But I've been a fan ever since forever and I always will be so don't you dare try to make me not be, Red Eye or Watching the Detectives. Or...Peaky Blinders??? no. But...ugh, Tommy is so cold. This is basically Nucky Thompson in Boardwalk Empire, yeah? Where the lead is very...quiet? I don't want to use quiet, but definitely all the other characters are much louder. Like I want to see Cillian tear it up, but Tommy isn't really like that. Even when he's aggro it's very controlled. I'm all about over-the-top and scenery chewers. Cillian isn't that so it's weird I love him. It's honestly 99.8% his cheekbones, like, let's get really real. No! He's good! And I can tell! Like even if he didn't have that beautiful horrifying face!! Fun fact!: I'm listening to "The Water" right now and Cillian was in that short film thing for the song and he ~acted~ without doing words (right??) in that and so that's my proof that I love him for correct reasons??? ...Why am I always trying to convince myself I am a normal appropriate person instead of just admitting I love someone because they look like a woman who's been burned and has had terrible reconstructive surgery???? 

...

Cillian plays the unofficial head of the Peaky Blinders. He's all ~hard~ and shit from war. He's seen some shit. But I'm rolling my eyes 'cause it's not like this nigga served in 'nam. Call me when you're Lt. Dan, ok? 

Here's some screenshots I took of Tommy talking to a horse

I think from this scene we're supposed to be like: "human?". I don't know why we always need this shit in media. Who the fuck is really walking around out here as an entirely one-dimensional person?? WE KNOW PEOPLE HAVE MULTIPLE FACETS. Like, eugh. I just hate when shows/movies, etc get extra obvious with this ~the bad guy is not all bad~~~~~~~ bullshit. Yeah, that's called, like, being a person. You do some bad shit, you do some good shit, you do some inbetween ass shit. Some people, cough, do way worse shit than others?? But then...that's based on the belief there's some sort of judgment scale determining severity of actions or whatever. ANYWAY, PEOPLE ARE NOT JUST BLACK AND WHITE AND WE KNOW THIS AND WE DON'T NEED A SCENE OF A GANGSTER COOING TO A HORSE TO CONVINCE US HE'S CAPABLE OF NOT MURDERING ALL THE HUMANS. Wait but why am I going wild with the caplocks right now???? Why am I even...angry? GIVE ME MORE CILLIAN TALKING TO HORSEYS SCENES!! What is seriously my fucking problem?????

You know what I need to fucking really talk about? Tommy and fucking Freddie and their bromanceship. 

Yeah, you hate each other. *inserts Sure, Jan meme* *doesn't, though, becuz shame*. They're so fucking in love amirite??? I'm forever creating homoships out of thin air when there's like nothing to base it on, BUT THERE'S TOTALLY STUFF HERE, RIGHT?? LIKE, FREDDIE IS FUCKING TOMMY'S SISTER BECAUSE IT'S THE NEXT BEST THING, RIGHT??? And, Tommy totally implied that he thought this exact same thing, right?!?!!? Ugh, I know I'm never going to get a scene where Tommy and Freddie eskimo kiss the shit out of each other, but they are gayin' for each other and nothing or no one can convince me otherwise. Like, they grew up together and then they went to war and someone saved someone's life - it was Freddie who saved Tommy, right? Yes I want that version, it's gayer to me than if Tommy had saved Freddie. Don't know why. Don't ask fucking questions!! - Tommy is always giving Freddie a pass even though Freddie is forever causing problems for him; Freddie pulled a fucking gun on Tommy and he is still alive!! Ugh but I'm remembering "6 episodes" so maybe he gets called to account for all his shit ugh god no I swear to god if I open up series 2 and Tommy fucking kills Freddie I'm done! Done watching? No. Done...more in a...metaphysical sense. And hopefully you're like me and have no idea what the fuck metaphysical means so that sentence means something. Just assume it means I'm not not watching series 2, especially with the promise of some motherfucking Tom Hardy. Can I go one fucking second withouttomhardy metitomhardyoning Totomhardym Htomhardyardy?? Jestomhardyus! 

Do I want to talk about Grace? NOTTTTT REALLY. I'd rather discuss Sam Neill's entire everything, but before I get into that mess, I just want to say I think it's reaaaaaaal fucking dumb Tommy, such smart, couldn't fucking figure out that bitch was a spy. REALLY? Oh, he was ~blinded by love~~. GOT ON THOSE PEAKY BLINDERS, I SEE? IIIIIIIIIIIIII tried. And I failed! People make mistakes! Let's just fucking move on jesus!!

Okay so Sam Neill. 

I'm just going to call him Sam Neill because I never learned his character's name. So, hands down, who's the scariest person on this show? Sammy Neill, right? Like when he gave his little monologue to Tommy about how if he got fired before Tommy came thru with some info he'd kill his entire family and Ada's unborn baby was of "no consequence" to him - I WAS OFFICIALLY DONE AND DEAD. No, but then he like capped it off saying how he'd send Finn to the ass rapiest prison he could find? MY GUY!!! lol this nigga is craaaaazzzzzzy. Sam Neill is not to be trifled with and I loved how it made Tommy pull out his gun and almost fire at him like omg this dude is for real he got Tommy skidmarkin' in his panties a lil. Also, how is Sam Neill like the most terrifying person on the show but at the same time giving me a ton of comic relief? Like how every character mentions he didn't serve in France, or his scenes with Woolworth? Wait what is that dude's na--Churchill!! lol Woolworth. Come on. Sam's funny but also I'm horrified and that combo is my faaaaaaavvve. 

And can we PLEASE talk about his thing with Grace. First of all it was obvious from 21 jump street that this nigga was in love with her. And I cringed hard as hell when Grace was like "I don't need a father figure". BUT DO YOU NEED A DADDY, THO?? 

DO YOU????

OMG WHEN HE PROPOSED TO HER. I was yelling at my screen for Grace to say yes because I was seriously worried for her well-being. This bitch said no. WOW IS SHE INSANE. Wait okay, but imdb is telling me this bitch is around for series 2. SIIIIIIIGH. So she isn't dead, then? WHAT WAS THAT GUNSHOT, THEN? Come on ugh. Do I have to sigh talk about Grace now or sigh. 

-Was I into the singing? No. 

-I liked the bridge of her nose. I automatically can't fully hate people with good noses. Shout out to Adrien Brody. No I'm kidding I legit love him and not just for his nose but mostly for it tho. 

-I was annoyed how totally cliché out the ass it was for her to fall for Tommy. It's like [AUDIBLE SIGH]. Like, why does the woman spy have to fall for the dude she's spying on? uggggggggggh. And Tommy pimped her out to that Kimber dude!! oh, but he saved her at the last minute from being raped! What a fucking hero! What a goddamn prince charming omgggg!!!! Who the fuck would risk their career over that mess?? 

-OH, BUT, NO. SHE'S NOT INTERESTED IN SOME SILLY CAREER. SHE'S JUST HERE TO AVENGE SOMETHING FATHER MURDERED SOMETHING BLAH BLAH ARE YOU GODDAMN FUCKING KIDDING ME. 

-please stop, Peaky Blinders. Like, what are you even doing??? And you're bringing this bitch back eventho Polly said she'd murder that ass. OKAY, I'LL WAIT.

Alright series 2, let's do this. Don't get on my nerves. Be better. Tom Hardy. 

I'm going to for no reason end this post with all the screenshots I took of that IRA dude taking a long ass drink of water. The water was murky and he just slowly gulped the whole thing. True fucking bad ass. Tommy, take notes.