Okay, wait, but look at this poster. Do other people have a Favorite Criers list as well and Shia is in their top 3 too and those people are who made this poster??? Could it be that I am not alone in the world? No haha I know I am this was just a christmas joke hahaha ha..a.hhbha.
Okay so real quick let's talk about how the movie got to 00:00:01 and I was already immediately screenshotting shit. Specifically Shia in the tub siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh
(is that a waterproof watch...???????????)
Three. That's not excessive. I'm doing fiiine. Also after this I promised myself I would just try to watch the movie as normally as possible and not screenshot like every time he looked like maybe he was even a little bit about to cry and uggggggggh it was soooo hard goddamn like that is his only fucking expression: perpetually on the verge of tears. Jesus this was torture. But I was able to semi-sort of achieve my goal of not filling up my ipad's memory with just pics of Shia looking like how you do when you're on the toilet after eating really terrible chinese food, which is any chinese food no shade. You know, you're just sitting on the toilet and you've been there for an hour shitting your soul out and you have those tears and maybe your ass is bleeding and some chunks of it have come off but you feel a little relieved??? HE LOOKS LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME AND I WANT ALL THE SCREENSHOTS OF IT UGH. No, but I want to be proper, so I held back.
And I will continue my streak of trying to be proper by recapping this film in a normal way though we all (we? no1 reads thisssss) know this will veer off into some dark, horrifying corners pretty quickly. But let's try!!! (ugh)
So Charlie has just lost his mom played by Melissa Leo. I...am confused why whoever made this film thought it necessary to bring in people like Vincent D'Onofrio, Melissa Leo, Aubrey Plaza, Rupert Grint, etc, only to waste them like crazy, give them no lines. Honestly, this whole movie is a waste. And the only person who gets a legit, meaty part is Shia. I feel bad for pretty much everyone else because they have fuck all to work with. I guess Mads has a sort of interesting part? And look, I'm not even a fan of D'Onofrio, Leo or Plaza, but...they're like...they have legit careers and resumes and have proven they add value to stuff so what the fuck? They're on screen for fucking seconds and it's awkward as fuck. Rupert Grint gets to be around a little longer but honestly it would've been better if he would've just been tossed one line and that's it because what the fuck? I can't even. I'm so annoyed! Like I'm thinking about it and I'm soo annoyed lol omg.
But anyway!! Melissa dies. And Charlie can't handle her death scene, which he runs out on. And omg so tough because sooooo many Shia tears. I think I took one or two caps but just know: I was restraining myself hard as fuck. I can't tell if I feel proud or just annoyed I don't have 50 pictures of him weeping, because honestly I think I need to make a Shia LaBeouf Tears scrapbook. Like it's happening, there's no doubt, so whyyy am I even trying to act like I'm someone who wouldn't do that and needs material for it???? Wow I should really go back and get sooo many screenshots!! No, resist! Anyway, here is what I ended up taking:
Beautiful. Also, pat me on the back because there was some stuff with him drooling and I didn't even try to screenshot that even though I wanted to the only reason I didn't was because it happened really quickly and probably it would have come out blurry so that's the only reason so definitely get your fucking hand off my back right fucking now.
Charlie asks his dead mommy for advice. Her fucking ghost suggests he go to some place that sounds like Budapest but it's not Budapest but I forgot what the place was called but also it doesn't matter. Just know it sounds like Budapest but isn't. OKAY?
My ish is...there's...like, how old is Charlie? Maybe that's not totally relevant. I guess we just assume he's twenty-something and move on from there? Okay, fine. But...how he is just jaunting off to some random country? Where is he getting money? Does none of this matter? We're just going to suspend disbelief? FIIIINE. Fine. I guess this is a fantasy-ish story, but ugh, I was sooo annoyed how they never addressed this stuff. BUT FINE. I'M FINE.
Anyway, Charlie gets on a plane and he sits next to some dude.
^This dude, who falls asleep on him. I wanted to screenshot the shit out of that scene because Shia was giving me a fuckload of Even Stevens tease, but I didn't. It was funny, though. Like, I laughed. Shia's doing all this shoulder nudging stuff, trying to get this dude's head off him and then the dude wakes up and is like "why you touch me?" or whatever and it was...comical haha. Hah. Then Shia and this dude get into some chitty chat business. Wow I don't even remember what they spoke about, but at some point the dude mentions he has a daughter and bought her a funny hat. Then this nigga dies. Fun!!
I loved Charlie's reaction to this dead dude just being dead next to him on the plane. I wondered how I would react to some dude dying adjacent to me while on a plane. Like, I'd be fucking irritated, at least, ya feel me?? Like, alive people annoy me enough, I'm not tryna chill with some corpse, ya heard?!?!?!?
So the plane lands and blah and then Charlie ends up meeting with that dead dude's daughter to give her a message from her dad and that dead dude's daughter is Evan Rachel Wood doing a...Russian accent?? Some...sort of accent from one of those places that still have communism and they only eat potatoes and how many offensive, ignorant things can I write before someone gives me a fucking medal???!!?
Evan Rachel Wood is Gabi and she looks like this
pretty much the whole movie. I'm into her look but I feel the way they shot her was very...like, ~mysterious~ or something. I guess that worked for the character she was playing but it made me feel...detached from her. It got a little manic pixie dreamgirlish, not gonna lie. mmmmm, not even a little, though. It just flat-out was that. Like, let me not try to act like this movie was in any way good or doing new original shit because it wasn't.
Charlie falls for Gabi immediately obviously because she's ~mysterious~ and has that shitty accent and looks like Evan Rachel Wood - what's not to fucking like?? But Gabi has a bunch of dramz going on in her life. Like, for one, she plays the cello. WHO PLAYS THE CELLO? Wait, it's the cello, right? It's some fucking string instrument, okay? Also, she has some husband (ex-husband?) played by Mads Mikkelsen and so Charlie should just go fucking sit down. For some reason, though, prob due to being a huge fucking idiot, he doesn't. He proceeds to pursue Gabi even though he knows Mads will prob kill him for even looking in her eyeballs?? Also he goes to stay at some youth hostel place where he meets Rupert Grint doing sit-ups, and fucking James Buckley being annoying as shit. However, I was excited to see him and took a screenshot of his stupid face
Am I getting a second mediocre ass Inbetweeners movie or nah??? OH SHIT OMG I JUST CHECKED IMDB AND THERE'S A SECOND ONE AND THEY GO TO AUSTRALIA AND I ALMOST JUST WANT TO IMMEDIATELY END THIS FUCKING DUMB ASS "REVIEW" SO I CAN GO WATCH THAT SHIT. But I'll wait. It's prob real real terrible ugggh but who cares give meeeee allllll myyyyy babbbbbies. Or, mostly just Will. No, I really love Jay almost as much and sometimes more--wait, hold on, let me stop talking about The Inbetweeners. This post is not, unfortch, about that. Wait, real quick, did I pull off "unfortch"? Can I make that happen??? I will answer myself: Yes, you can do it!!!!!! Yay, thank you plz get help.
Mmm anyway, there's some blahb lah. Ugh, this movie annoyed me. I watched it for Shia LaBeouf tears and I got them in abundance, so I'm happy. Will I ever watch this mess again? HELL NO. First of all, what was up with the tone? No shade to movies/shows/etc that have all over the place genres and tones and shit going on because honestly I really love that shit. Like one of my favorite tv shows Shameless is all over the place and it is one of my favorites - see?? I really felt they were trying to do too much here but, like, failing in every aspect. It's like, hmm, maybe you should've just focused on one thing and tried real real hard to maybe get a B minus/C plus? Like if you just made a straight-up romance, or a straight-up action thriller or a straight-up comedy or a straight-up two hour long movie where the only thing that happens is LaBeef crying in a tub wearing a totally not at all waterproof watch?????????? You're doing too many things!! Master one thing really well, then call me with some mess like this again. Like, you're not Danny Boyle. You're not Tarantino. So fall back for a while, whoever made this movie I am too lazy to take. 0.01 second to go look at the imdb page for this movie that I have already looked at multiple times because how the fuck do you spell D'Onofrio??? (I know now ugh). I don't feel like looking again. I think the writer of this movie is named Matt Drake? Okay, so I'll direct my ire at him. Try again. Maybe...get a cool blog like me to hone your writing skills. That is my seasoned professional advice to you. Byeee!
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