I think I hated how Matthew Weiner wrapped up Mad Men??

1. I hate everything. Hating is like a fucking hobby for me at this point, so maybe I just hated it...because I had to. Because I'm essentially Bane at this point in my life? But like with a healthy sprinkling of The Joker thrown in?? Like I just want to watch the world burn and also hello darkness my old friend. Wow, can you believe how terrible Ben Affleck will be as Batman like what is Hollywood doing omg have you seen promo posters for Suicide Squad jesus fucking kill me

2. Mad Men officially ended idk how long ago but I only just a few days ago finished watching the episodes. Because it wasn't a priority. What was a priority? Old episodes of The Life & Times of Tim on YouTube???? Like omg all of them are there! ugh watch they get pulled now i am so d u m b

So I really liked Mad Men, possibly even loved it. I didn't watch it when it first premiered, like 98% of people. It was getting a bunch of hype and I'm a sheep so I decided to binge the first seaz on Netflix and I was like "yeah boy!" and was pretty hooked ever since. It's definitely been my jam for a minute and I'm a little sad to see it go, but it ended at a good time, I think. Though...ugh. The way it was ended. Smh. 

Over the years, I guess just from getting older, I started to notice how like heavy-handed and obvious Mad Men could be. Like what metaphors golly gosh, you know? After Don's 1 millionth fucking speech I was like...alright. Smh @ Megan. Smh @ the story of some lame middle-aged white dude being made to seem super existential and like deep and stuff. Lol. Why were there like a lot of side characters I didn't care about who got a ton of screentime??? Why was every single one of Don's ~~paramours~~ totally insignificant except you could tell Matt Weiner didn't realize they were??? Like...just the more I watched over the years, the more problems I noticed about the show. Like: am I supposed to hate Betty??? lol when she was one of the few common-sense having characters on the show??? lollolol. And how many fucking Bobbys were there??? I mean!! Why didn't you just Judy Winslow his ass?? Like he could not have been more irrelevant and what is that other kid's name??? The smaller blonde one? Whose son was he again? Also is he a she? Is he or she's name Trinny??? 

Wait - what was my point? Sigh. I think I was saying that I loved Mad Men but that I started noticing faults over time and blah blah blah okay but what does--I guess I was trying to do some lead-in to complain about the messy way Weiner ended the series??? Sigh I'll just talk about all the individual ways he fucked up each major character and no I don't include that nigga with the eyepatch as a major character like what is his name and why wasn't he killed off circa the Duck years. Also, who is Duck???

-Pete

Um. I really loved Pete all the way through the series and I can't believe Kartheiser was never nominated for any major acting awards like didn't fucking January Jones get nominated at least once? WHAT THE FUCK. 

I...didn't like Pete's ending. I mean I guess I should be happy for him? But his ending rang false. Like, really? The fairytale ending for Pete fucking Campbell? lol okay. Why the fuck would cute ass Trudy, who could get any nigga and/or bitch, take him back?? There's literally no reason. He is not cute or charming and his hairline should be submitted to scientists posthumously for fucking research. Like wow I love Pete but only as a character who is a fucking mess and horrible and the worst and never says anything good and didn't he rape a chick at least once on the show??? And did or did not Trudy know about it????? OKAAAAAAAAAY IF YOU SAYYYY SOOOOO MATTHEW WEINER YOU FANTASY FUCKING FULFILLING PIECE :) OF :) SHIT:)

-Betty/Sally/Glen

Let's talk about the three worst actors of all time/this series/life. And how awkward, because Betty and Glen are two of my favorites lol. CAN WE TALK ABOUT WHEN GLEN WALKED THROUGH THAT DOOR AND I WAS LIKE TO MYSELF ALONE IN THE DARK "LOL IS THAT GLEN?" LIKE I WAS MAKING A JOKE TO MYSELF BECAUSE HOW COULD THAT LANKY, WEIRD-HEADED MESS BE GLEN AND THEN IT TURNED OUT TO ACTUALLY BE GLEN AND I THREW UP IN MY LAP. And that whole exchange with him and Betty - actually, both exchanges. S c r e a m i n g. I hate Matthew Weiner - like way to do nepotism the actual worstest, secretly bestest way. Also, Glen is totally dying in the war, right? Like, there's no way he'd survive. Or, no, okay. He'd either die super horribly and immediately from some accident probably he caused, or, he'd go through the whole war without a scratch and then come home and get stung by a bee and Thomas J-style die from that. I called it and plz give me a Glen spinoff this isn't a fucking joke.

Right. So fuck Matt Weiner for giving Betty cancer. I seriously thought her arc was going to end with that weird goodbye scene with Glen and I laughed because how dumb to conclude a character like that but wait there are dumber, lazier ways - I KNOW! CANCER!! :DDDDD!!!!! Like, eyeroll. I'm happy that the message was very anti-smoking, as this is an #antismokingblog all the way, but I really feel it was more about Matt Weiner feeling like he needed to punish Betty? For being perfect and always having great hair, I guess? Sigh

And so I guess Sally will end up having to watch after her brothers forever? Because like obviously Henry is useless and who knows about this aunt and uncle. Like ugh she was going to Spain and now her mom is dying and her dad is going to become like one of those creepy yoga cult leaders and the cycle starts anew, I guess??? I hate this show. But also let's just talk about how Kiernan can't act and I'm gonna need for ppl to stop acting like she can okay thankx this is a pro bully underage girls trying their best blog. 

-Roger 

Was I ever like fully invested in Roger? No. He was charming, I guess? And John Slattery is hot, so...that was nice...to have. But had he been killed off at any point, I would've been entirely fine. I liked his ending, though. Lol his was like the only one. He deserves Marie, and I mean that in like...I guess there's a bad way to say someone deserves someone and a good way and...I mean both. Can we talk about how cute Julia Ormond is and why the fuck isn't she in more shit? Like she slayed in Legends where the fuck is her career??? And she's totally ready for ~*~older women~*~ parts like has anyone fucking seen Temple Grandin? Has anyone seen her in this I mean come on get that Julianna Margulies bitch out of my face and replace her with Smilla's Sense of Snow like honestly Hollywood is so wrong about everything

-Joan

My babe!! Joan slayed til the end, which is good. I feel like this show tried to come for Joan on multiple occasions, but they failed every time. Good. I took issue with her beau played by my beau Bruce Greenwood just dipping on her because she wanted to start a business. I honestly don't believe he would've just left like that??? Like, who would leave Joan??? Come on. But O K A Y WHAT EV E R YOU S A Y. I liked that she was getting her new production company up immediately and I also liked that she did it without Peggy because Joan didn't need Peggy and also their fake-ass, frenemy-ish relationship doesn't seem like it'd be a good idea to turn it into a business one. So...I guess I liked Joan's ending? With the exception of Bruce Greenwood leaving lol because in what fucking world. Also can we talk about how Joan's mom had no screentime in the last eps? I thought the actress who played her maybe died or something but there she was in the finale and I screamed lol. I don't even care about her, it was just weird to me that the babysitter got more screentime than this bitch. Like - doesn't the mom take care of Joan's kid full-time lol why couldn't she have been the one...--LIKE JOAN CALLED HER FROM THE HOTEL WHY WASN'T THERE A CUT TO HER LIKE WHEN JOAN CALLED THE SITTER AND THERE WAS A CUT TO THE SITTER?????? So bizarre. Only to me though probably siiigh

-Peggy

Remember when I hated Peggy so much and now I have no idea why??? Like I can't even really remember that time of my life when I hated Peggy like that shit was my fucking job. All I remember is fat suit and baby bangs, maybe??? But I definitely did hate her, and then...idk what season it was...but it was the episode that ended with Peggy riding that bike around the set of a commercial she was working on?? I remembering being like "ugh, don't make me like this bitch" and then like immediately falling in love with her right after thinking that. I wonder if my reaction to her--like, did the show mean for it to be like that? Because she was so...idk, meek and small and annoying and irksome in the beginning when she was just like a secretary and getting knocked up by Pete. Then Donald took her under his wing and she started moving up in the company and becoming more of her own woman and I just fell in love. But lowkey I sort of hate myself for...hating the powerless version of Peggy who gave up her baby and was forced to endure acting scenes with Colin Hanks. Idk, but I'm glad I fell in love with her and that she became my fave and I'm glad this show wrote this really great woman character even though a lot of times I had to eyeroll at her like getting mad at another bitch getting flowers, etc. - but whatever, for the most part she was amazing and give Elisabeth Moss every award. Don't make the mistake of not :) haha :) don't fuck up :))) 

All that being said: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ENDING FOR HER????!?!? THAT ROMCOM BULLSHIT TRASH ASS ENDING?!?!?!?

Stan and Peggy were friends! NONONONOONONONONONOOONONONO TO THEM GETTING TOGETHER PLEASE KILLLLL MEEEEEEEEEEEEE. omg when Peggy was on the phone like fucking talking herself into believing she was in love with Stan - GAG!! And Stan confessing his love for her - THAT WAS THE LEAST BELIEVABLE FUCKING PERFORMANC EI WANT TO MS SJ RKRMKRISM CSCREAMIN. Omg and when he walked in on her typing and he like--sorry real quick I had to throw up in the mouth of these baby birds I stole--kissed her on her fucking forehead. Peggy looked sick to her fucking stomach BUT OKAY WHATEVEVEVRVR YOU SAYAYYYYYYYYYY MATHTHTHREW WEINERRRRRR YOU FUCKING FLOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP 

-Don

Sigh. Idk. lol. Don was always the most pretentious character and I had a lot of fun eyerolling at all his shenanigans. Don is sort of a really passive character, right? Like he just sleepwalked from one situation to the next. He has no identity, so that makes sense. It's such a weird character to have as the protagonist for a show. It's like you never really get inside, which I think was the point of him??? Or at least one of the points??? Also it seems like, during the era in which this show depicts, there were probably a lot of Dons - all these dudes and some women entering the working world with these completely false identities trying to make a name for themselves/seek their fortunes. And obviously this was the pre-internet age, so no one could pull up cached screenshots of deleted racist Tweets or anything like that, so it was the perfect time for fake ass bitches and niggas. But anyway, despite not having any real idea who Don is, and always sort of wanting him to reveal major things about himself, though he never really did, I liked Don. I thought he was a dick and piece of shit and don't get people who idolized him, but I liked him as a character. Also really loved Jon Hamm in the role and definitely give him all the awards. Is it true he never won an Emmy lol who the fuck cares about the Emmy's don't they do musical numbers for no reason?? Like didn't they do one with Jimmy Fallon??? Like an award show that has a musical number is trash and irrelevant like why are you singing and dancing fucking hand out these ugly statues and get this shit over with wtf 

Don's ending...wasssssssssss............w..w.w.w.w..w.w........lol. I liked when he was hugging that man who said he felt invisible. I thought it was funny because I felt the tension in the room of everyone thinking "um....sit down...". But while I was laughing at that, I started to cry because it was sad and you could tell Don's no identity having ass related to this dude and I was like :(((((. I felt like Don's story should have ended there but then they...added in that bit with him doing yoga????? And it made me think he'd turn into that dude who created Bikram Yoga and like rapes all his students and what the fuck is hot yoga tbh it sounds like you deserve whatever happens to you if you sign up for some shit like that. But anyway, I wasn't into the yoga thing. And I hated how Weiner thought he was throwing someone a bone by having a final Peggy/Don conversation OVER THE FUCKING PHONE. THEY WEREN'T EVEN IN THE SAME ROOM. smh wtf. get the fuck outta here with that mess, ugh. AND I HATE HOW PEGGY WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT DON AND SHE LIKE CALLED STAN AND HE'S LIKE OMG JUST GET OVER THAT NIGGA AND THEN THEY HAD THAT GROSS LOVE CONFESSIONAL BULLSHIT SCENE LIKE SHE JUST IMMEDIATELY FORGOT ABOUT DON I HAAAAATTTTE THIS SHOWWWWWW. And wtf was that Coca-Cola ad...at the end? I was like...oh, right, this show was about advertising lol. I want some Burger Chef. Does that actually exist? It sounds gross but, like, novel. You know what I mean? I'll consume any product that comes across as novel, no matter how shitty it seems/probably is. I imagine the packaging is like...simple design aesthetic with big blocky letters and there's a chef's hat on like an MS Paint clipart jpeg of a burger????? ...Please give me that Glen spinoff I'm not being ironic I really want it :/

                          NVR4GT GINSBERG

Fury (2014)

David Ayer made End of Watch and that makes perfect sense. That movie was sort of interesting/different, but at the same time super-corny and full of clichés. I'm not sure how you can manage all those things at once. Like uniqueness and sameness all in one blend? In what world? Fury..........like the whole time I'm being interested in stuff but also sort of like rolling my eyes at overused tropes and 2-dimensional characters and when the movie ended I didn't know how to feel. I like to always ask: would I watch this shit again? And usually the question is easy to answer, but not so here. 

Like, okay, good parts:

-Acting. Right? Maybe. I think for a sort of cheesy action/war film, the acting was pretty good across the board? Or...the cast was mostly good. Like this movie could have been entirely cast with Fast & Furious franchise alum, but instead was cast with actoryish actor types. Like, no great actors or anything...but definitely people who have consistently delivered solid performances over the course of their careers. With the exception of like...Logan Lerman(??) and LOL, SCOTT EASTWOOD.    

-Scott Eastwood. Quietly I'm beginning to stan for Scott Eastwood. Not for any appropriate reasons having to do with his ~*~acting~*~, because el oh fucking el. However, Scott is amusing as a person. He seems like a hot mess and a chatty kathy. He also has this like really douchey, smirky fucking serial killery twinkly eyes sort of face that I sort of just entirely live for. I can't believe his American Eagle looking ass showed up here amongst all this ugliness, shining and twinkling like some Ken doll come to life like these motherfuckers haven't been through a grueling war for several years. And what made his presence even more glaring was that you could tell the movie was going for a really dirty/fucked-up look with a lot of the characters (um, everything Jon Bernthal), and Scott Eastwood looks like he's about to film an Axe shower gel pecs-washing scene or some shit - like I entirely love him maybe???? And his death was really funny. Like he just got blown up and I laughed and laughed. Like, make Scott happen, Hollywood, this is important. I need more vapid interviews from him. Like how many more of his girlfriends did Ashton Kutcher fuck?? Probably so many! Please! I need to know!! 

-Shia LaBeouf cried a lot. Like one of my favorite things in the whole entire world is Shia LaBeouf crying. He's like really good at producing tears. A little too good (see: bad parts).

-Catty man arguments. Like the movie started off right away with a bunch of dudes bitching at each other in an enclosed space and it really got me going. Gross, but I love man arguing. Like, in movies not in real life. Seeing that shit up close in person is super-tragic and embarrassing, but watching dudes bitch at each other onscreen is definitely one of my new fave things? Like, I knew I always loved arguing on-screen, and I think my fave genre of film is People Tearing Each Other Apart (Verbally). But I never knew I specifically loved a gaggle of men ripping each other to shreds (verbally). But definitely I do and I definitely need more of it. Like, this movie in particular could've gone way harder with it. The dudes were constantly arguing but I don't feel it ever went too far. Maybe when Brad Pitt spit egg at Bernthal?? Okay it's time to skip over to BAD PARTS because I'm remembering all kinds of terrible shit immediately it's like flooding my brain oh god so much...badness...

BAD PARTS. ugh I'm always so much more excited to bitch about the bad shit wow I am such a guy haha amirite:

-The stuff with the German girls in the apartment. Soooooo..."Wardaddy" and Norman separate themselves from the Fury crew and break into this bitch's apartment. She's hiding a cousin. They only speak German fast-forward to me being really scared for a solid three minutes that Brad Pitt was about to rape one of these women. Something slightly worse happens? He's fake-nice and gives them food to cook him, then makes Logan fuck the younger one? Saying that if Logan doesn't, he will??? Does...does this movie think they teased a rape scene only to end up not doing it? When in actuality they teased a more typical, expected rape scene, rather than the subtle, slightly more horrifying one that they ended up doing anyway definitely immediately after that?????? Like, that bitch didn't fully consent. Like okay maybe she was into it in the moment after Logan half-assedly read her palm in a fucking language she can't understand, but I'm 100% sure she felt like she had to fuck him. And 100% Wardaddy said he would fuck her if Norman didn't...so the girl is like...okay, the lesser of two evils and fucks Norman but it's still rape like did she say yes what the fuck she doesn't even understand him. I honestly feel like this movie doesn't see it that way, though, and it's making me uncomfy. Like, oh, her and Norman are all of a sudden Romeo and Juliet or some shit - like, absolutely no. 

And okay! After that lovely raping of the German girl, the rest of the Fury crew rolls through and it gets all weird? Like they're all jealous that Wardaddy is spending alone time with the new twink on the scene? I was into...the tension and tears...but...also...idk. Let me cross over to the next thing I hated about this mess

-Not enough gay. Not nearly enough! Not really any, which was a hugely missed opportunity. ATTN ALL NIGGAS MAKING WAR FILMS: MAKE THEM SHITS MORE GAY, FAM. War movies are so inherently fucking gay with all that male masculinity macho macho bravado bullshit filling up every inch, hole, corner and crevice - they're bursting at the seams with backlogged semen from all this supposed not fucking they're supposedly not doing because nah, fam, that's gay. No homeo or whatever. I'm getting so tired of watching war things and dudes not fucking each other, or even doing a little bit of neck kissing - like, come on! It's 2015!! Get with the program! And don't come in here with: blah blah but this happened in the forties. Niggas were gay in the forties, too, fam, cum on. And eyeroll @ ppl thinking niggas never fucked each other in the army lololllool. And my prob with this movie had to do with me getting vibes that all the arguments stemmed from sexual tension. Like, the entire Fury crew wanted to smash Wardaddy but he only had eyes for new girl Norman, and they were jealous and hating. And a zesty little confrontation scene ensued with Wardaddy metafuckingphorically spitting his literal eggs in their faces. Like.  

-Speaking of being oblivious and naming the object of everyone's affection fucking Wardaddy, can we talk about these fucking nicknames please??? "Wardaddy" is gay as fuck - next. Shia's character's nickname is Bible. Cuz guess what? He like reads the bible and stuff. Wow what?!!??!? He's like Xtian and shit omg!! haha!! Bible - wowie!! Peña's character is named Gordo because "Spick" would have only been okay in the nineties before people started pretending to care about racism and stuff like that. Bernthal's character's name is...Coon-Ass. Hmmm. Why? Wait...maybe they named Peña's character Gordo as a reference to Lizzie McGuire, trying to shade Shia. As everyone knows Lizzie McGuire > Even Stevens. And so they weren't even trying to avoid a very racist seeming nickname with him - it was just a nice opportunity to be mean and remind Shia/the world that Lizzie McGuire > Even Stevens. I don't even remember what Even Stevens was about? Some uncomfortable attempt to make severe ADHD seem...cool? And okay? What failure. Wait lol but why is that nigga named Coon-Ass???? Is it not racist because Bernthal is "white"?? But what if he's playing a lightskin black here like I have no idea lol and why the fuck is he named Coon-Ass?????? Is it just like some random nickname?? Why was Snafu named Snafu in The Pacific, hmm? How come I don't have many questions about that?? Anyway, Brendan Fletcher explained it means "shit and ass fuck up" so...question answered and I still don't fucking know why this nigga is named Coon-Ass and honestly I don't want to but can someone please get this nigga a toothbrush and some Denta Picks thanxxx. 

-The characters were pretty non-dimensional. Starting with terrible/obvious nicknames, and...ending there. lol. Like David Ayer was like "haha let's name this one Bible and he reads bibles and haha." And for Bitty Pitt he's like "lol this is the MAIN ONE and the OLD ONE and lol this is a war and haha WARDADDY - right??? haha so he's the daddy of war lol" and for Michael Peña he's like "lol okay so my diversity hire lol let's see...we'll name him Gordo instead of Taco to be ~*~yewneek~*~ and FRESH and he'll speak Spanish within the first five minutes of the film and then WARDADDY THE DADDY OF WAR will yell @ him to stop speaking Mexican cuz lol old timey attitudes about race and stuff loloolll and that's it but lol pretty good, prettytttyyy gooood!" Bernthal aka Coon-Ass got the WILD CARD. Which equals: crazy; bad teeth; cuts on his nose; more eXtreem haircut than every1 else; playing in that girl's food - the end. Norman is "normal" get it? haha - that's it basically haha. Norman's like the normanal one haha he's the good one cuz normal equals good lol. He knows how to type and doesn't know how to shoot lol typical Norman haha what an angel he will be the only one to survive he is the only one who deserves to live because remember how sweet he was right before raping that German girl lol awww Norman haha

-Shia LaBeouf cried a lot. Remember how I said one of my fave things in the whole entire world is Shia LaBeouf crying? Yeah, like I completely meant that. I would watch a non-stop yule log type loop of that shit all day every day. And the promise that he'd be doing a lot of that in this movie was 70% the reason I wanted to watch it. No, let's be honest, it was 100%, because srsly the trailers for this were not promising and Shia was barely featured, but I like knew he was in it and he was second billed I think so I'm like okay he has copious amounts of screen time, there will at least be 10 whole tear drops!! Hmm. First of all, Shia had not nearly enough screen time in this. Like...LL or Bernthal might as well have been second billed ugh. And okay, any time he was the focus onscreen - like every time - he had fucking tears in his eyes lol. EVERY TIME. I. loved. it. But...man, lol, it didn't seem entirely appropriate. Like literally the camera would go to him and his line would be like "Let's fix that balloon animal" and his entire eyeballs would be filled to the brim with tears. Lol he's so fucking extra. 95% of his tears were uncalled for in this movie, honestly. Like...why was he breaking down 100% completely while reading that bible verse lol he got out like one line and then started blubbering...I can't. Except I can. I really loved all the tears but I feel like I shouldn't have but I did so oh well keep em coming. But also maybe try some comedies. And not an indie one because they'll let you cry through all the ~alternative~ "jokes", and that defeats the purpose. 

-The ~*~final battle~*~. No @ all of that. No @ how cheesy it was. The tank breaks down in the middle of the road just as a squad of Nazis are rolling up. Wardaddy, who clearly doesn't give a fuck about his life, decides he'll stay and fight. I'm still rolling my eyes super-hard at this mess. Of course the rest of the Fury crew gets all "I am Sparta" and decides they'll face the Nazis with Wardaddy even though he gave them the chance to get away. Fucking idiots and dumb and no. So they all get killed and when Bible got shot that's when I checked out emotionally. And eyeroll extreem @ Wardaddy taking forfuckingever to die. Like oh he's still alive enough to be shooting Nazis off of pure, precious liddle angel Norman gag me with a chainsaw like please as if dot com. Honestly I decided I really hated this movie the moment every1 made the worst decision of their lives and stayed to fight with Wardaddy. I guess these niggas had designs on still tryna get in them jeans even in the afterlife. In hell. Because murder is a sin, sweetie :)

Rachel, Rachel (1968)

As in The Long, Hot Summer, Joanne plays an old as fuck maid spinstery spinny spinster who is also a teacher, but most importantly, the entrance to her vaginal canal is blocked by cobwebs. What differentiates this movie from the mess that is The Long, Hot Summer, is that Joanne's character Rachel is actually of a more acceptable old maid spinnery spinster age: 35 to Long, Hot's 25. Also, this movie examines the life of a spinster far less offensively and with a more subtle hand than that of Long, Hot. And it's not all about Rachel being a spinster, it's also about her life sort of being at a standstill, and her passively going through the motions. I wonder if Paul Newman decided to direct this to make up for The Long, Hot Summer? Like at this point in his career he has way more power compared to the beginning of his career, so now he can acquire and direct projects that aren't super-offensive to the audience? And he's like, "Hey, let's re-do that shit we made ten years ago and make it be less bad?? First: let's entirely omit Orca Whales." That was a very good start, Paul. 

I think the movie opens with a pan-over of the small town Rachel lives in; then we see her in bed. Her alarm clock goes off and then she's just lying there like

gpoy. Wait - am I a spinnery spinster passively going through the motions of life? 1,000% yes. Moving on!!

Rachel, Rachel lives with her mom - wait, why is this movie called Rachel, Rachel? Does it refer to like the "two Rachels'? (the two faces of Rachel siiiiigh)?? Like one Rachel is the one who's...walking around on Earth talking to people, and then the other Rachel is the one inside her head? The alterna Rachel who takes that boy from her class home and sniffs that weird guy's hand??? Okay but I feel like alterna Rachel and the Rachel inside her head are two different...Rachels?? Maybe she has two voices: like one that tells her not to masturbate herself to sleep and that's the Rachel that doesn't save that little boy from getting molested, and then the other Rachel that tells the other voice she's just masturbating to get to sleep is the one that saves him and brings him home and is like "you can call me whatever you want :)))" like she's Miss Honey but less annoying because it's not Embeth Davidtz? Can we talk about how that boy was totally about to get molested, right? By that guy Rachel referred to as "the groper"??? Like why was she so hesitant to send the boy to his office?? That gave me major creeper vibes. But also why was Rachel imagining rubbing her face on his child booty hole massaging fingers??? Confusadora. Like I get you can be attracted to bad people - pretty sure Ted Bundy has a fanclub - it's just...I feel like it's weird for her to suspect him of creepin' on the kiddies and then also be fantasizing about rubbing her face on what he uses to creep on the kiddies with, you know??? Or maybe I was reading it wrong and god what is happening to this summary? Or is it a review?? Why does life keep happening to me?? It's never-ending!! 

So anyway! Rachel lives with her mommy. Remember when her mom was talking about that unmarried woman who got pregnant with like twins and decided she was going to keep the babies and it's super-scandalous and Rachel's mom is talking about how she told whoever that she's glad her two daughters never gave her any problems like that and Rachel is looking at her like

??? 1. What is that shit on her mom's head/chin? Is it like one of those face-lift devices?? Does that shit work? It looks gross. Also, this side-eye mom look reminded me of Xavier Dolan in I Killed My Mother when his mother is eating that fruit and side-eye looks at moms really needs to become a trope in movies and television. It's so, like, authentic. Also this sort of foreshadowed what Rachel goes through later in the movie, right? Ugh, do we have to talk about James Olson and his receding hairline? I don't want to!

So school ends and on the last day Rachel goes to some little store to get suntan lotion even though she says she never uses it and the clerk shades her like "maybe just a little bottle". Pleeease. Okay let's talk about why Rachel goes in this store - why does she?? Did she just want to be around all the hot horny youths? Or was she just legit going to the store to buy stuff and didn't really think about them being there? I would never go into a store that was full of people, because I am constantly in the mood of wanting to go on a killing spree, and crowds of individuals are just not my aesthetic. Especially not younger-types, who wear jeans and do the skateboard. They might try to make me chug Mountain Dew or something - no thanks!!! So in this crowded ass store some dude sans the horrific toupée he wore in Amityville II: The Possession, is like, "Rachel?" Oh, boy, here we go. 

James Olson plays some dude named Nick. He's the twin brother who didn't die. So I guess that means he can act like a douchey ass no hairline having ass dick???? He's 100% coming on to Rachel and it's really gross but I feel like maybe she didn't notice? Has she never been comed...on...to...before? Sigh. I feel like Rachel is cute so it's not logical. Maybe it's been a while? Idk but this dude is basically trying to fuck, while simultaneously trying to read the fuck out of Rachel's life. He's like "haha so they left you behind!!!" and shit of that nature and I'm like "...". Also he says he teaches high school...or Rachel says it for him and he just nods like "uh huh" - this nigga don't teach nowhere!! He's a con man and his hairline starts at the back of his fucking neck - run!!! Rachel doesn't run, though. Like, even after he gets frustrated with her not realizing he's trying to get in them jeans and asks if her sister's around. Rachel's just like ":) no she got married and moved and had kids :)". Like he went from "oh go to the movies with me haha :))" to "OKAY WELL IS UR SISTER AROUND DAMN!" Why are you like this, Nick? And even when he's being fake-nice and asking her out, it's just gross vibes all-around. Like when he asks Rachel to the movies she's like, "What's playing?" and he says "Does it matter?" UM, YES. The fuck? I'm not going to see fucking Aloha or that movie where Reese Witherspoon is handcuffed to Sofia Vergara just to have you trying to make out with me the whole time and I don't even get to watch the shitty movie. Like I'm not going to be seen going to either of those films if all we're going to be doing is gross kiss stuff. I want to see Mad Max: Fury Road, and I want to watch all of it and don't touch me and buy me Raisinets thanks. That's what Rachel should have said, right, but she just laughs??? I hate Nick soo much get awaaayyy from herrr. 

Whatever, Rachel ends up going out with this dude and he's...like you can tell he's a mess. He gets like randomly passionately angry when they go to a bar - something about not wanting to work for his dad or some shit. It's like lol okay use your inside voice ur on a date and also inside but okay. Then he and Rachel go to have sex outside somewhere (???) and Nick is pulling her clothes off and notices Rachel is...uncomfortable...and says something about how the first time is always bad. And I totally, like Rachel, thought he meant he knew she was a virgin. She's all like, "Is it that obvious?" and he's all "is what obvious?" or something like that and I'm all "...ohhhhhh." Hello, she's never had sex before clue the fuck in!!! 

I'm glad this movie was made in 1968 and they weren't doing full-on sex scenes yet in America, right? So great I didn't have to see that. So happy. Afterwards, Rachel is worried about being pregnant? Hmmm definitely you should've use prophylactics fucking that dirty nigga. Who the heck knows what kind of free love ass fucking diseases he has. You're worried about being pregnant but probably one of the many viruses he also passed along to you will kill that baby up right quick like. She goes to get her mom's...I forgot the name of that thing. I was of the impression it was used for douching? But maybe it's used for...idk. You put vinegar and like water in it and shoot it up inside you, right? Okay...but if it's mainly for...abortions...why does...the mom have it? Like why does she react so shocked and horrified when she discovers Rachel was trying to use it? If it's used for more than abortion purposes why did she automatically think Rachel was using it for that? Maybe she wanted to cleanse...her colon? But it's like 100% obvious I don't know what the old school ass device is. Sybil's mom used it on her to abuse her, right? To like clean out her vagina a ton when she was a kid? And Sybil's abusey mom was totally that teacher from Splendor in the Grass which was...directed by Elia Kazan...who totally snitched on his commie colleagues to the HUAC and got them blacklisted and...Sidney Poitier is black...and he was in...Paris Blues with Joanne and Paul omg!!!!!!! Six degrees of separation man - it's legit. 

Wait let's ignore Nick rq because I totally forgot to talk about Estelle Parsons and that's completely unacceptable. So Estelle plays some other teacher bitch at Rachel's school named Calla, which is a cool name I think. Unless I find out it's some weird racist white ppl shit. You know how some names are like racist references? And you're like omg that's a cool name but then you find out Rudolf's parents named him after Rudolf Hess and you're like okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. So Calla is sort of cute and gives Rachel gifts for no reason

like this cool tree. Rachel is soooo souped to get that tree. She's like "it's the one from the fair!" or something like that and she keeps going "it's too much!!" Like she loves that fucking tree soo much and it's sooo cute and Calla just got it for her just to get it and I'm like :33333. Can we talk about how Calla is the perfect match for Rachel??? Like her soulmate is sitting right under her nose hello. I mean, okay, so maybe Rach isn't a lesbian. But like sexuality is fluid and is Rachel really about to sit up here and deny she wasn't 100% into that kiss Calla planted on her??? Hell no she is not. Come on, Rach, ditch the dick and get with the...vagina lips sigh. Also Calla 1,000% would be way better at fucking than Nick. She has the same equipment as you - it'd be farrrr less awkward. Also, no worries about pregnancy and having to shame your mom having kids out of wedlock. But I guess I can't force Rachel to be attracted to Calla in that way if she just isn't. But Calla loves her and Rachel needs love and it's right there!! Hello! 

However, Calla is like in some weird religious cult so that's a definite strike against her. I like the...church scene. I'll try to not be a horrible and call it a church even though it was straight-up some weird hippie cult haha but I'll not do that haha. 

Rememer when that David Miscavige-y dude was making Rachel repeat "love" over and over? hmm if that was me I would have stubbornly refused to participate until the bitter end. Like he'd be holding a gun to my head and I still wouldn't look him in the eyes and say love because I'm a horrific piece of shit :') But Rachel is...receptive, right? Like, she wants love and to be loved and all that gunk. Also what were the flashbacks to her father alluding to - that he was the only one who ever really loved her? Or...maybe that he was the only who she ever truly loved...or when she thinks about love that's who/what she imagines?? I wonder if she loved her mom. Like, yeah, she imagines her od'ing on sleeping pills - but who doesn't imagine that about their mom haha!! Mmm idk, but I liked this scene and thought it was weird and sort of funny and Geraldine Fitzgerald. Did I finish talking about Estelle Parsons lol. Am I done???? My opinion is that she has a nice sort of gypsy tan and she's way hotter than Nick and I don't get why Rachel was dickmatized by him when he doesn't even have a hairline or Calla's cool glasses like okay. 

Back to Nick? No. Not...like, no. Sigh. So Rachel spends like a weekend or something up at the barn??? And they're fucking. And then Rachel gets weird and is all "You make me so happy and you've saved me and let's have babies!!" And that whole scene is so hard to watch and I just want to die. Not even because she's sort of supremely-embarrassing and desperate, but just...like...you're saying all that shit about Nick. He's the twin that should've died, Rachel, come on get some fucking standards. But whatever, predictably, Nick gets all scary like "whoa whoa whoa" and then he's all like "there's something you should see" and shows Rachel a pic of some kid, and I, prob like Rachel, assumed he had a family. Hmmm, but does he? The woman Rachel speaks on the phone with says Nick doesn't have a family...or that he didn't get married yet??? It was sort of ambiguous, right? I figured Rachel assumed he was married with the 2.5 kids and golden retriever, but maybe he just had a kid...??? But also I started thinking that picture he pulled out was maybe a pic of him as a kid or his brother? lol what a fucking piece of shit either way

What kills me is when Rachel really thinks she's pregnant. Like, first she's distraught and worried, right? Because she's unmarried and it's 1960 something and that's not totally okay. What's funny is that she handles thinking she's pregnant by drinking rye and smoking?? lol okay no wonder all these pre-eighties babies are a mess. Rq let's talk about...

Frank Corsaro!! Who played Hector Jonas. He's the one in the back there. Like, I loved him. And I got all excited like who is this actor is he a Cassavetes actor where have I seen him??? Then I go on this nigga's imdb page and this is like the only fucking movie he's ever acted in??? lol okaaaaaaaaaaaay. I hate that! ugh. I'm guessing he was primarily a stage actor?? This is bullshit but okaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Okay back to Rachel passive aggresively trying to kill her baby! So she's drinking a bunch and then goes over to Calla's house and has black coffee and another smoke??? Like okayaaaaaaay even if you're considering killling the kid like it's not dead yet so maybe calm down??? Am I being accidentally pro-life? INEVER WANG TO ACCIDENTALL BE PROL IFE. But anyway Rachel decides to keep the kid and this is when I remembered that she isn't actually pregnant and got all frowny face for her. But it still killed me when the doc told her she just had a cyst and she started crying by herself in the examination room. Like, okay, there's some shit in my eye. But I think this is a good thing because...it's like now she knows what she really wants, right? Like she wants a family...or at least a kid, right? Before, she didn't really know and, like she said, was sleepwalking through life and her having this little breakdown over finding out she's not having a baby sort of wakes her up. She takes that job in Oregon and already bought her ticket and is straight-up with her mom like, "You can come with me or not" and her mom is being a drama queen but Rachel doesn't buckle and it's just a beautiful awakening. The caterpillar is emerging from its chrysalis, nah??? Yes!!! And then that end scene on the bus I think is beautiful because it's her thinking about moving to Oregon and how there could be all these possibilities and things that can happen to her or not happen to her, but it's still optimism and hope for the future either way and I was like...weirdly not depressed. Which is a new and cool thing for me! 

But hmmm what is the thing with the woman on the beach with the kid? Is Paul Newman telling us that's Future Rachel? If so, cool. Cool cool. But also I'm wondering why that was needed. Like...did Newman's Own think ppl would feel uncomfortable with just the bus ending? Like they needed confirmation Rachel would get that baby? Mmm but maybe it wasn't even like that because I feel the beach thing was maybe something that was a possibility, not necessarily a peek into Rachel's future? Idk. Either way, good movie. Thanks Paul for directing your wife in something that properly showcased her talents why are you dead please haunt me please trap me in some weird in-between state via sleep paralysis and confirm or deny that threesome you supposedly had with Eartha Kitt and James Dean thanxxx sweetie thank you 

Here are my babies on the cover of Life promoting this movie like I just needed to post this look at them pleeeaasse

Also omg look at Pitty being a ~*~director~*~. Omg it's so cute!! I wonder what it was like on set like I wonder if they worked well together and every1 thought they were adorable or was it like a scary toxic dynamic like how I imagine Cassavetes/Rowland's dynamic was???? Either way I am so happy and want to die right now in this moment, when everything is perfect :") OMG AND THEIR DAUGHTER IS IN THIS AND SHE'S LIKE A PERFECT BLEND OF THEM BOTH AND HER FUCKINGNAME IS NELL PLEASE KILL ME IN MY SLEEEPZZZ

Problematic Fave: The Long, Hot Summer (1958)

I really love Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman. Like I'm borderline obsessed with them. I think being borderline obsessed with someone is, like, not mailing them your pubes. Like, I'm not that weird haha. But lowkey Paul Newman dying was my 9/11. It was super-devastating and I didn't think I'd be able to go on after that. But at least Joanne is still alive. She better outlive me or I'm gonna be pissed. And is she still acting? Hello! Can Wes Anderson or some similar freak pick her the fuck up and put her in some shit?? Where them weird-ass French directors at when you need them? They always seem to be interested in older actresses. Come on what's the fucking hold up! 

So anywaaaaaay this already super problematic post is a good start, I think, to a post about problematic shit. This movie, in particular. I really love this movie because of Joanne and Paul, and if they weren't in it I would hate this shit, because seriously this movie is a mess. It makes me uncomfortable. A lot of movies from ~back in the day~ make me feel uncomfy. Particularly whenever there's a black character. Because jesus @ every black character in movies not played by like Sidney Poitier. He was like the only black nigga who got any real respect pre, like, 1975. So cringe at all of that. The Long, Hot Summer definitely has unfortunate black characters, but it's the way this movie sees women that makes me really uncomfortable. It's hella misogynistic. Like, ugh, so many movies from this time period, so it's not like it's anything new. I think it just bothers me more here because it's sort of egregious and I like this movie and I want to not? Lol, it's not even a good--like, it's not like I like the movie as a whole entity, it's honestly all about Joanne and Paul for me. But liking something like this for any reason makes me want to die. Because I'll have to keep rewatching due to my like for it and I'll have to cringe every time at so many cringe worthy elements. Why do I have to be like this?? 

So the movie opens with a bar burning and it's high-drama right off the bat and it's very knock-off Tennessee Williams right out the gate and it stays that way the entire time. You don't want to be knock-off Tennessee Williams. Like, he's sort of bad enough. Don't get me wrong, he pulls it off, but like only him. Not you, William Faulkner. Not you. Though, maybe the cheese and overwrought Southern belle in distress, ripped-open shirts melodrama is more from the director than the source material? Okay, possibly. So maybe I'll hold off on shading Willy Faulk, as I read zero of the stories this movie was based off :) Because reading :') Like are you offensive graffiti inside a disgusting park bathroom stall?? :) Then why would I :)

So whatever. These townspeople are accusing Paul's character, Ben Quick, of being responsible for the barn bruning. Some old dude is like, "We can't prove ya did it, but you best get out of town, anyway - or else!!" Lol, what are they going to do? They can't even properly investigate a crime - there's no way they can get it together enough to punish Ben in any real way. But ok, Ben leaves. He's already packed for some reason? Please tell me why this nigga is walking around in a sweaty ass shirt and dirty ass suitcase with the clothes hanging out?? And please tell me why when he arrives in the next town or whatever he hops off that cargo boat into the water and gets all his shit wet - like who is this animal? Lol could you be making a worse impression on whatever new people you're about to meet? 

So he's hitchhiking and he continues to look like an untrustable sort of character. I mean, I'd pick him up cuz he's hot. Hmmm, or maybe not. His eyes are sort of scary and embalmed. Lol, they're like translucent. Nah, you're a lizard. Joanne and Lee Remick's characters, Clara and Eula, are riding down the road in a car presumably. Joanne doesn't want to stop for Ben because she's a bitter old twenty-three year old super-old bittery bitter spinster old old old. But Eula, super-pretty and full of life and boobs or whatever, tells Clara to pull over for some nigga actually named Ben Quick. Your name sounds like you specialize in premature ejaculation porn. Like does any1 even need to know about the barn-burning stuff? Like I all need to hear is Paul Newman being like "Quick, Ben Quick", or however douchey way he says his name, and I know I need to be on the exact opposite end of wherever this nigga is ever standing. 

Okay quick quiz. Guess which one is the bittery old as fuck twenty three year old spinstery spin spinster???? I don't get how Clara could be bitter with those cunt ass art hoe aesthetic baby bangs. Like they're amazing. And her fucking eyebrows are you serious fam. Like her whole look is killing it and, you know, anger and bitterness sort of goes with the theme. Like she probably doesn't even care about being perpetually unfucked - it goes with her fucking aesthetic hello this is art, honey!! 

So Ben gets in the car because Eula made Clara pull over and pick him up. Like I get it, but also I don't. He looks suspicious but also he's Paul Newman - such a dilemma. Well, not for Eula, who is super-bubbly and all Southern Belle-y, but like a sort of progressive Southern Belle? Like she admonishes their town, and really relishes in this slutty aesthetic she's giving off. So Eula's pumped for the male company; Clara not so much. Right away she's irritated with Ben and like doesn't even speak to him for most of the ride but then Ben makes a comment about how they must be a couple of fun time gals and Clara tells him in her snappy, sort of acidic way not to get any ideas. Then when they drop him off at the town square or wherever, Ben is barely out of the car before Clara just speeds away. Like, I love her immediately and never want her to give in to Ben's advances which is a terrible sort of mindset to be going into this film with, as you know eventually she will. And it'll be sort of gross?? 

Ben goes to ask the townspeople about work. What a world this movie is set in. Ben just pops up in some random town like "yeah whatever I'll just be here now", asks around about work, tells people his name even though he's infamous for being a supposed barn burner, shows up to the house of the man that owns the town and just walks right up and is like "give me a job" and gets one???? lol okay. Like, again, I get it, because he's Paul Newman and has that fucking face and all that charming ass shit going on, but there's a limit to attractiveness and charm, right? Lol, there has to be. Like you can't just be a well-known supposed arsonist and people are just like *shrug* "There he goes" and also "Let me give this nigga a job". Like he's hot, in too many ways, you know?? Haha that was just some arsonist-related humor for you right there. 

When Ben goes up to the Varner house, he runs into Clara out on the porch talking with her desperate ass friend. Before Ben arrived, they were both sort of lamenting about being single as fuck spinsters forever. Her friend is such a sad-o like "All my friends from high school are already married and post pics of their hubby and kids on Facebook all the time ack ack ack" and "I'm single as fuck I'll take anyone like I'm the type of individual who'd write love letters to Scott Peterson in priz cuz he's so dreamy heart eye emoji lol". It's crazy that they're talking this way. Like, Clara's friend says fake-optimistically "We're both still on the green side of 25" or some shit and I'm like "????????". You're under twenty-five years of age sitting around dreaming about being married and having a bunch of ugly fucking kids??? Since when??? Omg Clara's friend is like "I'm so bored!! I just want to go home to a husband and boil him some disgusting steak and look at our disgusting kids and maybe there's some flavorless sweet cream in the ice box and then after we eat dinner at six o'clock I want to sit around waiting to see what the night unfolds. Probably nothing, but maybe something!!! But probably nothing tho lol!!" Like I wanted to cry @ everything she was saying it was horrific. And it made me uncomfortable that Clara wasn't like turning her face up. It was annoying I couldn't see on her face that she was mentally unfriending this bitch in her head. However, after this scene, we never have to see that bitch again, so maybe Clara did unfriend her, and I am so happy. Omg! I'm forgetting she's the sister of that momma's boy ass freak Clara is...dating??? REMEMBER HOW SHE SAID SHE WONDERED WHAT SEXUAL THINGS HER BROTHER THINKS ABOUT AND THEN FANNED HERSELF LIKE SHE WAS HOT AND BOTHERED??? What kind of...

Should I talk about Clara's "boyfriend"? Like, I don't want to because omg maybe everything about his character is super homophobic???? Like he's clearly gay. If not, he's 100% involved in a disturbing incestuous relationship with his mother and/or sister and why is this the only nigga Clara can get. Lol, like, this movie shades her the entire time and I just don't understand. Like, is the movie punishing her for having convictions and shit??? For having desires beyond like, boiling steak for some ugly dude with no Netflix account?? I don't get how this movie/people in the movie even treat her. Like Clara has a job as a teacher and is cool and strong or whatever - like, why is everyone so desperate for her to get booed up, and why is even Clara secretly deep down super-desperate for that, too?? She's twenty-three!! This movie is insane!!!

I'm upset. Let me post that pic of Paul Newman with the watermelon

Yes, gooooood. 

So blah blah Ben gets a job on the Varner estate, but only because Jody, the son, doesn't know anything about him. Anyway, Jody is super-preoccupied with being all over his wife, Eula. The real head of the household, Orca Whales, is in the hospital. When he comes home and finds out Jody hired Ben, he sort of goes off. Because he knows about the Quick name. Let's talk about Orca rq. 

........Why does he look like this??...

...Wha...

1. Why is he brown? Is it supposed to be...like...redneck blackface or something? I am so confused.

2. Why are his eyebrows at 10 when I need them to be at at least a three???

3. Why is he wearing a robe in like hundred degree heat? EVERYONE in this movie is super-sweaty like all the time why the fuck is he walking around in Santa Claus' house clothes outside in the summer Southern heat?????? 

4. Why is he so loud/extra. Why is he here *puts my hand super way up* when I need him *lowers my hand way down* here?? Hm???? 

Orca is super blustery. He's all loud and Big Poppa this Big Daddy that. I want to throw up?? He hates his son Jody because he's like weak or unfocused or not as fat as him??? (???) Also lowkey it seems like Jody maybe is a bastard or illegitimate? Whatever, I don't care about Baby Boy's whiney ass daddy issues. Like, you're a grown man, get it together. Orca's relationship to his daughter is different in that it seems he actually...doesn't actively hate her like he does his son lol. Nah, I don't even think he hates his son, he's just like a bad dad?? Like, totally. Because all he wants for Clara is for her to get married even though she's only twenty-three and has other things going on in her life. Like, he barely regards her as a human being. Clara even asks him, like, "hello do u see me as a person or nah?" and he sort of ignores her and is like MARRY THAT QUEER OR MARRY BEN EITHER WAY YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED. Like, who she marries doesn't even matter just as long as she hurries the heck up and does it??? Wtf. And Clara doesn't even like Ben and hello! He's a known supposed arsonist!! Don't you have any respect for your daughter at all? What if he tries to set fire to Clara, hmm??? Or does that not matter as long as her obit says she was survived by "husband....etc"?? You're a mess and this movie is a mess and I want Ben to burn everything to the ground. Wait should I talk about how Ben isn't even a barn burner?? Well...he never straight comes out and denies it, he just says his dad did it a lot when he was a kid. So I just assumed that's how he got the rep. But maybe Ben did some, too? Lol like that's...never cleared up...

So whatever, Orca super-wants Clara to get married. She's really into that momma's boy Alan, but Ben is making a bunch of moves on her. Also Ben is really immersing himself in her life and her space and stuff which is not creepy at all. Like he gets promoted to a job as a clerk at a Varner store just because Orca wants him to marry Clara. BUT LIKE JUST BEFORE HE PROMOTED BEN WASN'T HE SCREAMING AT JODY FOR HIRING A BARN BURNER??? Like, consistency, I beg of you. 

So whatevz. Ben gets a job at the store and Orca is all obsessed with him like "I like yew!! Yew got spunk!! Yew ol' barn burner yew!! MARRY MY FUCKING DAUGHTER AND PRODUCE AN ASSEMBLY LINE OF CHILDREN SO THERE CAN BE A BIG PARADE AT MY FUNERAL WHEN I DIE." So Ben & Clara get this sort of antagonisty, love/hate relationshit brewing. Ben is sort of gross and predatory. Clara is pretty explicit about her distaste for Ben. She thinks he's crass and too much like her loud ass daddy, who's probably the type of dude you sit next to on the train or bus with his legs spread out really wide. Unless you have elephantiasis of the balls, close your fucking legs this is a personal PSA from me close ur damn legs u small dicked bitches. Ben says gross shit like, "When a lady says no she pretty much all the time always means yes". Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmminterestingmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmthat's really fascinating ben pleammmmmmsemmmmmmmmmmtell memmmmmmmmoreeeeeeeeeemmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

This whole "no means yes" thing has been 100% debunked by now, right? This movie was set in the fifities, I believe, so maybe ppl were still buying into that ideal. But honestly, Fifty Shades of Grey exists in this modern era, so idk if we've really evolved at all. But let me say right now that "when a woman says no she really means yes" has 100% never been true ever. Women are taught to be submissive and meek and shit, so if a bitch is gathering up enough "manly" courage to say no to something, it's because she fucking means it. But enough of my feminist gobbledygook, amirite?? Like why can't I just shut my stupid feminist cunt-shaped mouth up and enjoy the film, hmm???? I'm not even sure we as the audience are supposed to be accepting 100% everything Ben says. I see little instances that make me think the audience is supposed to at least be waggling their finger at him like,"wrong move there, ol' sport"...maybe? Like the 1950s audience understands women have a mind of their own. But also they agree that women, at the end of the day, need to be told what to do and have their decisions made for them. So maybe a woman like Clara is independent enough to reject advances and offers from a gentlemen caller. It is up to that gentlemen caller to push past all that rejection, all those constant nos, and keep badgering and beating down on this bitch until he gets a yes. She doesn't even have to say yes, she just needs to be weak enough to submit :))) I definitely don't think the audience is supposed to be on Orca Whales' side, though, right? He's portrayed as being sort of a tacky, old-school brute, and I think his obsession with Clara getting married is supposed to make him look out of touch and sort of like the bad guy. But.........the ending??? I don't...know...how I feel. LIKE OKAY. I shipped Ben & Clara. I did, even though Ben made me uncomfortable with how he pressured Clara and made all those comments about her spinsterhood and how he knows she just needs some good dick and all that gross stuff. They had good chemistry and Clara was definitely attracted to him so idk sigh. I wonder in real life, though, if being attracted to someone is like enough. Would she and Ben get on longterm? Especially if he expected her to be a proper wife? Though some stuff at the end, like the little speech he gave Orca, makes me think he finally came to recognize what a great, whole woman Clara really was? But also I remember him 100% ignoring Clara's big speech at the picnic/fair thing. Like she said all that shit and then he was just like "no matter where you go, or how you dye your hair, I will find you" like...okaaaay...did you listen to anything she said about how she's an amazing woman and wants a whole bunch of shit out of life? You're just like "yeah yeah yeah try to hide from me by dyeing your hair black and watch me catch you, bitch!!!"

I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS MOVIE OR WHAT THE MESSAGE IS. Is there a message? It might simply just be a movie about an unfucked twenty-three year old who's about to get un-unfucked by the new guy in town played by Paul Newman and possibly he burned up some barns, but definitely he'll be burning up some loins. Ayo...murder me. 

The Cell (2000)

I had no real expectations for this movie going in, I think. I was interested in it because I think it was mentioned in one of those listicles like "20 Underrated Movies You've Never Seen" or some bullshit like that. My image of this movie, prior to watching it, was basically J.Lo looking like this

Like anytime I've ever seen this movie mentioned, the photo above accompanied it, and I always wondered if this movie was like a feature-length version of an Aaliyah video, except starring J.Lo, which  did not really appeal to me at all in any way. Also it starred Vince Vaughn? Like way to make something already unappealing-seeming seem even more unappealing???? But, again, I recently-ish saw this movie mentioned as a movie that is lowkey not that bad, possibly even good and/or interesting. Also Tarsem Singh directed it. That was appealing to me? Even though the only thing of his I've seen is The Fall. But I like really loved The Fall, and if the dude who made The Fall made some other shit, well I have to see it. loljk because I just looked up his filmography and he made Mirror Mirror and there's just no way I'm ever watching that, but nice try, sweetie. 

This movie is definitely not that bad, possibly even good and/or interesting. Like, at first when it was starting, I had my finger gripped tightly to the remote because I was ready to shut this down at any moment. The opening credits were ticking off the cast and I was like "siiiigh". None of my faves, not even any of my embarrassing faves like an always miscast Stephen Dorff, or one of my weird faves, like an itchy-looking Fairuza Balk - none of them niggas. Like, if Dylan Baker is the most interesting name I see in the credits, that's a problem. Like Dylan Baker is cool, but, like, he's not a !surprise Giovanni!, you know?? And omfg when I saw Vincent D'Onofrio's name. I have an irrational hate for this dude for no reason? I think maybe it's because he played like the grossest alien in Men in Black and that's just been like scarred in my brain ever since?? Because he's like a good actor I think? So there's no reason for me to want to vomit every time I see him?? And definitely the more I'm exposed to him, the easier he has been to digest lol, and I definitely thought he was the best actor here. Of course, he had the best part as the killer, and got to have a weird pre-No Country for Old Men alt-villain haircut. That helped. Where's his fifth place best supporting actor in a musical and/or comedy Globes nom???

No, that musical and/or comedy thing was a simple funny joke I did. This movie is straight-up not funny or a musical, though very easily it could be both? Like it's a little cheesy, and 100% I could see this being made into a Broadway extravaganza. Like Idina Menzel shrilly belting a bunch of songs about being a super-hot, super-sweet psychologist who's the only one who can reach the deep center of boy brains due to her super-hot, super-sweetness??? Yes. And like, all the costumes in this movie?? Very jazz hands. Like, even the sleeping suit thing J.Lo had to wear when she went under? Just very high-drama. Also a little Battlefield Earth-y, but let's ignore that. 

So, anyway, the movie is starting off and I lowkey want to stop watching it. It opens on this sort of dream sequence-y esque thing with J.Lo as like some beautiful fairy princess sort, walking through a desert or some shit? And there's some weird pompous-y boy in like shorts and a shirt and he's weird and J.Lo is trying to get him to go on a boat ride, but he's talking about some monster or boogey man or some shit that won't let him. Then J.Lo presses between her thumb and pointer finger, as if trying to ease a tension headache, and she wakes up from this dream thing. Turns out she had like teleported into this boy's brain. The boy is in a coma and she's trying to waken him. Presumably he's in the coma for psychological reasons, though I didn't pick up on this until later in the film. 

J.Lo works at some weird place that is weird because her job is teleporting inside people's brains. Really, just that one boy's. I think the doctors are running a trial on him to see if their teleporting brain thing is a successful invention, before they, I guess, introduce it to the wider public. The boy's dad wants to pull him out of the trial and enter him into a proper hospital, as he is frustrated with the lack of results. But J.Lo says her walking around inside his son's brain is working, she just needs more time. Blah blah she gets six more months. Then we find out there's an extreme thing J.Lo wants to do with the boy, but the other doctors say it's too risky. Obviously it's something that would cause J.Lo to get lost inside this boy's brain forever probably, and this will not be the first time I will wonder why the fuck anyone would want to do this job but okaaaaaay!! 

Vincent D'Onofrio is playing some freak who's murdering a bunch of bitches. He has an obsession with albinism? Like, his dog is albino and he bleaches his victims? I think they mentioned it had something to do with purity, I guess? Honestly, I feel like his albinism obsession wasn't properly explained - they just wanted some weird serial killer quirk for him. But it's like, isn't being a serial killer...quirky enough??? Like. They have this nigga drowning hos in a huge glass case of water like he thinks he's Jon Polito in Blankman, and also they have him suspending himself in the air from hooks? Like my dude has shower curtain rings permanently implanted in his back?? Okay but how did he get them there?? Did he like ask a friend?? No he didn't. This dude has never had a friend. Okay, maybe he paid someone. But who? And how did he go about asking to even get this done?? Come on, you can't just throw weird shit on the screen and not give me explanations for it, even if this is a ~sci fi fantasy~ thing and you're supposed to suspend disbelief or whatever?? Like J.Lo is transporting herself into other people's brains. Do I not have any questions about how exactly the fuck she's doing that I meaaaaaan. 

Vince Vaughn comes on the scene when Vinny D dumps one of his bodies near a lake or some shit. Why does he dump that body? Doesn't he keep them and make dolls? I think Vince mentions that he thinks Vinny D wants to get caught - ok but why?? It's a cry for help? Lol okay. Vince Vaughn is playing a cop and sort of immediately I checked no Juliet. Like, what was he doing here? I feel like he was trying something, but it was not...working. It was like you could see him thinking in his brain "ima a copc ima  cop i,a m a loner dedicated cop blah five o clock shadoooowwww i sleep at work cuz im so dedicated and somtorutred and omg coopppppp". Like, spare me and please and stop it right now. Omg that fucking story he told J.Lo about how he used to be a lawyer and he tried to get this molester put in jail but there was a technicality so the molester got off free and then literally the next day he went to the girl's house and murdered her and was just sitting on the couch with her gouged-out corpse body when the parents walked in - LOL PLEEEEASSSSEEEEEEEEE. That story was 100% over the top and ridiculous and, maybe, it could have been sold. By a better actor. But in zero way by Vince Vaughn. Omg the more I think about this movie the less slightly good it seems lol. Like lowkey it might've been trash?? lol idk

So Vinny D's next victim is Tara Subkoff. Can we talk about when she gets off the elevator in the parking garage and has her mace out and shit but her car is literally like five feet away?? And she's like taking all fucking day to walk over to it?? Lol wtf. The only explanation for that mess is that maybe she was attacked in a parking garage before or someone else was at that particular one and so she's just extra cautious?? Okay, but then explain the super-slow fucking walking?? Why not run?? AND EXPLAIN TO ME PLEASE why the fuck she'd get out of her car when she sees that dog?? Why is a dog in a parking garage that is presumably not on the first floor? And okay. A dog is in a parking garage - fine. Honk your motherfucking horn until it moves and then pull your fucking car out. Don't goddamn get out! Why is a dog there?? And what are you going to do once you walk over to it?? Was this meant to display her ~sweet~ ~caring~ nature or some shit? Dumb and stupid nature, more like but okaaaaaay. The dog is Vinny D's. Oh 100% I'm forgetting she thought she hit the dog while pulling out lol. Even more reason not to get out of your car but alright. Anyway, this is how Vinny D ends up snatching this bitch. Fun for the whole family. Can we talk about how Peter Sarsgaard played her fiancé person and he got like no screentime? This movie is bullshit, I've decided. Like I thought I liked it but how the fuck do you have Peter Sarsgaard and not properly utilize him?? Ya blew it, Tarsem. Ya blew it. 

So Vince and his crew end up getting a bunch of leads on Vinny D - like his whereabouts and shit? Yo, real quick, what was up with Vince Vaughn's partner? Whyyyyyy anything? Why was he always on the phone and why was he so all up in Vince V's shit?? Idk, he was sort of weird and I kept expecting for something to come of him but nothing ever did?? Um, okay. So they figure out where Vinny D lives. They surround Vinny D's house while he's inside taking a bath and being, in general, a fucking freak. He starts having some weird seizure just as they make a move to ambush him. Once the squat team and all them niggas get inside Vinny D's house, he's passed out. Tara Subkoff isn't there. Vince V is all mad and stuff. He gets even more madder and stuff when he finds out Vinny D has some bullshit called "Whalen's Infraction" which lowkey I thought was real and feel dumb now that I looked it up and it's not haha. But anyway, it's a made-up for this movie form of schizophrenia that is activated by trauma in water?? Like it puts you into a perma-coma. It's also the thing I think the boy J.Lo and those doctors are working on has. Which brings Vince Vaughn and his crew to them. 

Vince V and his crew want J.Lo and her crew to dig inside Vinny D's brain to see if they can find out where he's hidden Tara Subkoff. So this is going to be a race to the last minute sort of thing where the glass encasement Vinny D put Tara in starts filling up with water while J.Lo is inside Vinny D's brain trying to coax Tara's location out of him blah blah. I rolled my eyes at how the rest of this movie would play out, but was interested to see what mess would be inside Vinny D's brain. Turns out, it's Matt from Lizzie McGuire running around, playing with fucking horses and being abused by some faceless father and, overall, the inside of Vinny D's brain was pretty predictable lol. Like, of course that horse was going to get sliced into a bunch of pieces. Um, helllloo. Can we talk about that horse thing? Who am I talking to??? Imdb trivia tells me that fall down glass slicing shit is inspired by a Damien Hirst installation?? An installation called "Some Comfort Gained from the Acceptance of the Inherent Lies in Everything". I first saw an "homage" to this installation in Hannibal, which is what the horse thing made me think of. I was all like "oh, did Bryan Fuller get that idea from this movie? Hmm, I feel uncomfortable he took inspiration from this" lol, but I guess he got it from this Damien character. I still feel uncomfortable. I just want to think Bryan Fuller comes up with all that shit in Hannibal on the spot. But um okay the show is not even an original concept so wtf am I talking about?? Also, what's the difference between "inspired by" and "straight-up just stole that shit"???

J.Lo leaves Vinny D's brain after a short while when she gets scared. She's all like "I don't want to do that again". Then Vince Vaughn tries to make her feel guilty with his probably made-up story about that molester. Probably he wasn't even a proper laywer. He was one of those 1-800-OOPSIES type of lawyers but got his shit shut down for malpractice or serving bad donuts in the lobby or some shit. So now he's a cop because you don't have to shower as much. J.Lo goes back into Vinny D's brain a second time to try to find out where the fuck he put Tara Subkoff. She ends up talking to him and he overpowers her, trapping her in his brain. The other doctors say that if J.Lo starts to think what's happening to her is real...she can die or some shit. Okay shouldn't they have something in place that would prevent that from happening? Like what happened to the in between her thumb and finger pressing thing?? Did she forget about that or

So whatever. J.Lo is stuck in Vinny D's brain, so they send in Vince Vaughn after her. He meets up with her and she's like Vinny D's slave and this is the part that's sort of like an Aaliyah video. Or some shit late-nineties vampire film. That's like super fucking gay in a not at all self-aware sort of way. Vince is all "wake up, J.Lo!!!" Eventually she does, yada yada yada she stabs Vinny D. Vince V gets his clue for where Tara is located and it's time to bounce. J.Lo doesn't want to leave young Vinny D in his brain?? Like alone?? Do you not...understand how this brain teleporting shit works? Hmmmm. Like, I barely do, but I feel like I know enough to know that...that boy stays there, and you leave and that's that. Except SIIIGH, it's not. They both wake up and Vince takes off to go find Tara, but J.Lo goes against orders and puts herself back under. The other doctors are all like "nooo", but she locked them out and they can't get in to wake her up blaaah. She goes back inside Vinny D's brain to kill younger Vinny D and release him from his misery. Idk, man. Like, does the mind version of Vinny D even really exist in any real way? Like...hmm. Vinny D is in a coma...idk...howwwwwwwww. Like does the mind version of younger Vinny D actually exist if...Vinny D isn't cognizant? And okay, he's trapped inside there...but how real is it?? Ugh, idk, why am I trying to get real tangible answers from a sci-fi fantasy film. I just don't see why it matters to kill younger Vinny D if Vinny D is in a permanent coma. Like it seems like younger version Vinny D trapped inside his brain would only suffer if Vinny D was...awake...but okaaaay, I guess not??? Whatever, J.Lo kills that boy, which ends up killing real-life Vinny D?????? Then she takes Vinny D's dog and Vince Vaughn thinks she's weird for doing that and I sort of do too but okay who else was gonna take the dog? The end. Oh, Vince V ended up saving Tara right at the last moment eyerolllllllllllllllllllllll.com/screamingathimshootingattheglasslikewhatifheshotherlolbutokay

Writing this rambly, stream of consciousy  "recap" didn't really help me to figure out if I liked this movie or nah. Immediately after it went off I was like, "eh, not bad...nottttt bad", but remembering it, I'm remembering it in a slightly more negative light? Like, both J.Lo and Vince Vaughn needed to take several seats in some acting classes before they signed up to this shit, and a lot of elements of the movie were really overwrought and full of cheez whiz, but I still thought it was sort of a coolish film? I liked some imagery, though a lot of it was very late nineties, which made me want to die a little. The late nineties were so garish in like a tech boom sort of way which is very ugh. But Tarsem sort of has a beautiful hand, maybe? I can't tell yet. He might just really be into colors and I'm really into colors and maybe I'm being blinded by my love for colors and can't see that his shit is actually hella ridiculous. I really don't want to watch the other movies he's seemed to have done, to be able to figure it out. Like Mirror, Mirror - no. The Immortals? Come on, what are you playing at. Also he's done a bunch of music videos? But for like R.E.M. lol nooooo, no thank yoouuuuu. Maybe I'll just rewatch The Fall and see if I was right for liking it. I saw that way back when I was 18 or some shit. I knew nothing at 18. That movie is probably trash, I just got lost in Lee Pace's fucking forehead caterpillars. Oh god, that's what happened isn't it?? I'm still not watching Halt and Catch Fire sigh. How the fuck do you renew that and not Rubicon? Come on!

Cyrus: Mind of a Serial Killer (2010)

So Jamie from Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers is here playing a TV news reporter trying to get the scoop on some fucking serial killer. She gets a call from some dude saying he has info on this killer. Right, so Jamie from Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers and Halloween 5: I Guess He Returned Again, goes to this "tipster's" house. WHO in their right fucking mind would go to someone's house claiming to know a fucking serial killer?? I'm not sure exactly what this nigga said on the phone - like, did he imply he was besties with Cyrus on the phone? - but all I'd need to hear was "Hey, I know more than I need to about some serial killer dude", and that would be enough for me to do absolutely the exact fucking opposite of everything Jamie does in this movie. Not limited to, but including, going to this nigga's house, being in this nigga's house, speaking to this nigga, breathing this nigga's air, looking in this nigga's face without protective goggles on; acknowledging this obviously crazy nigga in any way. 

This Nigga is played by my sort of sometimes boo, Lance Henriksen. He...called Jamie up--like, wasn't he the one who tipped her off about the serial killer?? Whom he's supposedly friends with?? What are all these fucking redflags, though? Who would do that, and why wouldn't a journalist be hella suspicious about this shit? And why would you go to his house?? I'm never going to the house of a person who's like, "haha I have souvenirs from these murders my friend did". Like, cool, bro, coooool. No, I don't want to see them, but it'd be totally fucking choice if you could lose my number - like. 

Jamie and her cameraman go to this nigga's house without any back-up or anything. They don't alert the cops or text their moms to tell them where they'll be - nothing. So I instantly have zero concerns for what happens to them. There's just too much stupidity going on here for me to really care about anyone I'm supposed to care about. Am I discriminating against dummies?? 200%, yes. Why did I keep watching this movie after Lance Henriksen pulled out that box of IDs he had of all the girls/women Cyrus supposedly killed? WHY DOES HE HAVE THOSE?! And why would they keep being in his house after that?? First of all, I immediately suspected Lance Henny was Cyrus. I thought it was so obvious he was Cyrus. In real life, if it super-seems like someone definitely murdered someone, you would immediately get away from them forever???? Like, even if you feel lowkey silly for suspecting someone of being a murderer, you still suspect them, and you're not going to be in their house. This movie wants to play games and have me believe someone would not only go into their house, but get aggressive with them, and harass them into doing an interview. Okay, I don't have time for this mess. Except I do because I kept watching???

Whatever, Lance Henny turned out to not be Cyrus, but actually this nigga's friend. Blah blah they set it up so Lance H could lead Jamie and the cameraman to Cyrus' kill hole so he could...kill them. Can we talk about...howwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...why? Why...?...in the flashbacks, when Cyrus still had his wife and kid - why did that look like it took place in like the fifties?? It was definitely an old-timey time, right? And how come like three years after his wife died...did they change the actor playing him? So bizarre. Was this meant as an age progression? Since when is an age progression ever needed for three years? Like, a baby to a toddler - yeah. But like...a 25 year oldish dude to a 28 year oldish dude?? Is he a meth-addled former child star? Like, wtf. And then...Cyrus 2.0...is supposed to be how old? Idk, but why when they show him in that flashback with Lance Henny, LH is really old and then they flash-forward and they both look the same??? Shouldn't Cyrus 2.0 have aged and LH be dead??? This movie is true trash. 

Remember the ginger actress who played Cyrus' whore wife? Why was she so aggressively bad at acting? Really? She was the one who emerged among all the actresses that tried out for that mess part? Actually, I'd entirely believe if she was the only one who auditioned. I mean, come on. Also, why was Rae Dawn Chong's appearance made out to be bigger than it actually ended up being? She had like a few minutes of screentime as the victim of a serial killer? Like, she survived. Oh-kay? I thought she was going to end up being the older version of that blasian from the trio of friends? But then Cyrus yanked out her intestines, so I guess not?? 

Sigh, this movie was bad and dumb and I felt bad and dumb for watching it. So thus concludes this bad and dumb review thing about it sigh. 

I'm really annoyed I don't have a pic of that dehydrated ass baby corpse in that crib. If this movie did one thing right, it was having a woman pretend to breastfeed a years-old decomposing baby corpse. Good job on making that something I can never unsee, I guess??