Fury (2014)

David Ayer made End of Watch and that makes perfect sense. That movie was sort of interesting/different, but at the same time super-corny and full of clichés. I'm not sure how you can manage all those things at once. Like uniqueness and sameness all in one blend? In what world? Fury..........like the whole time I'm being interested in stuff but also sort of like rolling my eyes at overused tropes and 2-dimensional characters and when the movie ended I didn't know how to feel. I like to always ask: would I watch this shit again? And usually the question is easy to answer, but not so here. 

Like, okay, good parts:

-Acting. Right? Maybe. I think for a sort of cheesy action/war film, the acting was pretty good across the board? Or...the cast was mostly good. Like this movie could have been entirely cast with Fast & Furious franchise alum, but instead was cast with actoryish actor types. Like, no great actors or anything...but definitely people who have consistently delivered solid performances over the course of their careers. With the exception of like...Logan Lerman(??) and LOL, SCOTT EASTWOOD.    

-Scott Eastwood. Quietly I'm beginning to stan for Scott Eastwood. Not for any appropriate reasons having to do with his ~*~acting~*~, because el oh fucking el. However, Scott is amusing as a person. He seems like a hot mess and a chatty kathy. He also has this like really douchey, smirky fucking serial killery twinkly eyes sort of face that I sort of just entirely live for. I can't believe his American Eagle looking ass showed up here amongst all this ugliness, shining and twinkling like some Ken doll come to life like these motherfuckers haven't been through a grueling war for several years. And what made his presence even more glaring was that you could tell the movie was going for a really dirty/fucked-up look with a lot of the characters (um, everything Jon Bernthal), and Scott Eastwood looks like he's about to film an Axe shower gel pecs-washing scene or some shit - like I entirely love him maybe???? And his death was really funny. Like he just got blown up and I laughed and laughed. Like, make Scott happen, Hollywood, this is important. I need more vapid interviews from him. Like how many more of his girlfriends did Ashton Kutcher fuck?? Probably so many! Please! I need to know!! 

-Shia LaBeouf cried a lot. Like one of my favorite things in the whole entire world is Shia LaBeouf crying. He's like really good at producing tears. A little too good (see: bad parts).

-Catty man arguments. Like the movie started off right away with a bunch of dudes bitching at each other in an enclosed space and it really got me going. Gross, but I love man arguing. Like, in movies not in real life. Seeing that shit up close in person is super-tragic and embarrassing, but watching dudes bitch at each other onscreen is definitely one of my new fave things? Like, I knew I always loved arguing on-screen, and I think my fave genre of film is People Tearing Each Other Apart (Verbally). But I never knew I specifically loved a gaggle of men ripping each other to shreds (verbally). But definitely I do and I definitely need more of it. Like, this movie in particular could've gone way harder with it. The dudes were constantly arguing but I don't feel it ever went too far. Maybe when Brad Pitt spit egg at Bernthal?? Okay it's time to skip over to BAD PARTS because I'm remembering all kinds of terrible shit immediately it's like flooding my brain oh god so much...badness...

BAD PARTS. ugh I'm always so much more excited to bitch about the bad shit wow I am such a guy haha amirite:

-The stuff with the German girls in the apartment. Soooooo..."Wardaddy" and Norman separate themselves from the Fury crew and break into this bitch's apartment. She's hiding a cousin. They only speak German fast-forward to me being really scared for a solid three minutes that Brad Pitt was about to rape one of these women. Something slightly worse happens? He's fake-nice and gives them food to cook him, then makes Logan fuck the younger one? Saying that if Logan doesn't, he will??? Does...does this movie think they teased a rape scene only to end up not doing it? When in actuality they teased a more typical, expected rape scene, rather than the subtle, slightly more horrifying one that they ended up doing anyway definitely immediately after that?????? Like, that bitch didn't fully consent. Like okay maybe she was into it in the moment after Logan half-assedly read her palm in a fucking language she can't understand, but I'm 100% sure she felt like she had to fuck him. And 100% Wardaddy said he would fuck her if Norman didn't...so the girl is like...okay, the lesser of two evils and fucks Norman but it's still rape like did she say yes what the fuck she doesn't even understand him. I honestly feel like this movie doesn't see it that way, though, and it's making me uncomfy. Like, oh, her and Norman are all of a sudden Romeo and Juliet or some shit - like, absolutely no. 

And okay! After that lovely raping of the German girl, the rest of the Fury crew rolls through and it gets all weird? Like they're all jealous that Wardaddy is spending alone time with the new twink on the scene? I was into...the tension and tears...but...also...idk. Let me cross over to the next thing I hated about this mess

-Not enough gay. Not nearly enough! Not really any, which was a hugely missed opportunity. ATTN ALL NIGGAS MAKING WAR FILMS: MAKE THEM SHITS MORE GAY, FAM. War movies are so inherently fucking gay with all that male masculinity macho macho bravado bullshit filling up every inch, hole, corner and crevice - they're bursting at the seams with backlogged semen from all this supposed not fucking they're supposedly not doing because nah, fam, that's gay. No homeo or whatever. I'm getting so tired of watching war things and dudes not fucking each other, or even doing a little bit of neck kissing - like, come on! It's 2015!! Get with the program! And don't come in here with: blah blah but this happened in the forties. Niggas were gay in the forties, too, fam, cum on. And eyeroll @ ppl thinking niggas never fucked each other in the army lololllool. And my prob with this movie had to do with me getting vibes that all the arguments stemmed from sexual tension. Like, the entire Fury crew wanted to smash Wardaddy but he only had eyes for new girl Norman, and they were jealous and hating. And a zesty little confrontation scene ensued with Wardaddy metafuckingphorically spitting his literal eggs in their faces. Like.  

-Speaking of being oblivious and naming the object of everyone's affection fucking Wardaddy, can we talk about these fucking nicknames please??? "Wardaddy" is gay as fuck - next. Shia's character's nickname is Bible. Cuz guess what? He like reads the bible and stuff. Wow what?!!??!? He's like Xtian and shit omg!! haha!! Bible - wowie!! Peña's character is named Gordo because "Spick" would have only been okay in the nineties before people started pretending to care about racism and stuff like that. Bernthal's character's name is...Coon-Ass. Hmmm. Why? Wait...maybe they named Peña's character Gordo as a reference to Lizzie McGuire, trying to shade Shia. As everyone knows Lizzie McGuire > Even Stevens. And so they weren't even trying to avoid a very racist seeming nickname with him - it was just a nice opportunity to be mean and remind Shia/the world that Lizzie McGuire > Even Stevens. I don't even remember what Even Stevens was about? Some uncomfortable attempt to make severe ADHD seem...cool? And okay? What failure. Wait lol but why is that nigga named Coon-Ass???? Is it not racist because Bernthal is "white"?? But what if he's playing a lightskin black here like I have no idea lol and why the fuck is he named Coon-Ass?????? Is it just like some random nickname?? Why was Snafu named Snafu in The Pacific, hmm? How come I don't have many questions about that?? Anyway, Brendan Fletcher explained it means "shit and ass fuck up" so...question answered and I still don't fucking know why this nigga is named Coon-Ass and honestly I don't want to but can someone please get this nigga a toothbrush and some Denta Picks thanxxx. 

-The characters were pretty non-dimensional. Starting with terrible/obvious nicknames, and...ending there. lol. Like David Ayer was like "haha let's name this one Bible and he reads bibles and haha." And for Bitty Pitt he's like "lol this is the MAIN ONE and the OLD ONE and lol this is a war and haha WARDADDY - right??? haha so he's the daddy of war lol" and for Michael Peña he's like "lol okay so my diversity hire lol let's see...we'll name him Gordo instead of Taco to be ~*~yewneek~*~ and FRESH and he'll speak Spanish within the first five minutes of the film and then WARDADDY THE DADDY OF WAR will yell @ him to stop speaking Mexican cuz lol old timey attitudes about race and stuff loloolll and that's it but lol pretty good, prettytttyyy gooood!" Bernthal aka Coon-Ass got the WILD CARD. Which equals: crazy; bad teeth; cuts on his nose; more eXtreem haircut than every1 else; playing in that girl's food - the end. Norman is "normal" get it? haha - that's it basically haha. Norman's like the normanal one haha he's the good one cuz normal equals good lol. He knows how to type and doesn't know how to shoot lol typical Norman haha what an angel he will be the only one to survive he is the only one who deserves to live because remember how sweet he was right before raping that German girl lol awww Norman haha

-Shia LaBeouf cried a lot. Remember how I said one of my fave things in the whole entire world is Shia LaBeouf crying? Yeah, like I completely meant that. I would watch a non-stop yule log type loop of that shit all day every day. And the promise that he'd be doing a lot of that in this movie was 70% the reason I wanted to watch it. No, let's be honest, it was 100%, because srsly the trailers for this were not promising and Shia was barely featured, but I like knew he was in it and he was second billed I think so I'm like okay he has copious amounts of screen time, there will at least be 10 whole tear drops!! Hmm. First of all, Shia had not nearly enough screen time in this. Like...LL or Bernthal might as well have been second billed ugh. And okay, any time he was the focus onscreen - like every time - he had fucking tears in his eyes lol. EVERY TIME. I. loved. it. But...man, lol, it didn't seem entirely appropriate. Like literally the camera would go to him and his line would be like "Let's fix that balloon animal" and his entire eyeballs would be filled to the brim with tears. Lol he's so fucking extra. 95% of his tears were uncalled for in this movie, honestly. Like...why was he breaking down 100% completely while reading that bible verse lol he got out like one line and then started blubbering...I can't. Except I can. I really loved all the tears but I feel like I shouldn't have but I did so oh well keep em coming. But also maybe try some comedies. And not an indie one because they'll let you cry through all the ~alternative~ "jokes", and that defeats the purpose. 

-The ~*~final battle~*~. No @ all of that. No @ how cheesy it was. The tank breaks down in the middle of the road just as a squad of Nazis are rolling up. Wardaddy, who clearly doesn't give a fuck about his life, decides he'll stay and fight. I'm still rolling my eyes super-hard at this mess. Of course the rest of the Fury crew gets all "I am Sparta" and decides they'll face the Nazis with Wardaddy even though he gave them the chance to get away. Fucking idiots and dumb and no. So they all get killed and when Bible got shot that's when I checked out emotionally. And eyeroll extreem @ Wardaddy taking forfuckingever to die. Like oh he's still alive enough to be shooting Nazis off of pure, precious liddle angel Norman gag me with a chainsaw like please as if dot com. Honestly I decided I really hated this movie the moment every1 made the worst decision of their lives and stayed to fight with Wardaddy. I guess these niggas had designs on still tryna get in them jeans even in the afterlife. In hell. Because murder is a sin, sweetie :)