Cyrus: Mind of a Serial Killer (2010)

So Jamie from Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers is here playing a TV news reporter trying to get the scoop on some fucking serial killer. She gets a call from some dude saying he has info on this killer. Right, so Jamie from Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers and Halloween 5: I Guess He Returned Again, goes to this "tipster's" house. WHO in their right fucking mind would go to someone's house claiming to know a fucking serial killer?? I'm not sure exactly what this nigga said on the phone - like, did he imply he was besties with Cyrus on the phone? - but all I'd need to hear was "Hey, I know more than I need to about some serial killer dude", and that would be enough for me to do absolutely the exact fucking opposite of everything Jamie does in this movie. Not limited to, but including, going to this nigga's house, being in this nigga's house, speaking to this nigga, breathing this nigga's air, looking in this nigga's face without protective goggles on; acknowledging this obviously crazy nigga in any way. 

This Nigga is played by my sort of sometimes boo, Lance Henriksen. He...called Jamie up--like, wasn't he the one who tipped her off about the serial killer?? Whom he's supposedly friends with?? What are all these fucking redflags, though? Who would do that, and why wouldn't a journalist be hella suspicious about this shit? And why would you go to his house?? I'm never going to the house of a person who's like, "haha I have souvenirs from these murders my friend did". Like, cool, bro, coooool. No, I don't want to see them, but it'd be totally fucking choice if you could lose my number - like. 

Jamie and her cameraman go to this nigga's house without any back-up or anything. They don't alert the cops or text their moms to tell them where they'll be - nothing. So I instantly have zero concerns for what happens to them. There's just too much stupidity going on here for me to really care about anyone I'm supposed to care about. Am I discriminating against dummies?? 200%, yes. Why did I keep watching this movie after Lance Henriksen pulled out that box of IDs he had of all the girls/women Cyrus supposedly killed? WHY DOES HE HAVE THOSE?! And why would they keep being in his house after that?? First of all, I immediately suspected Lance Henny was Cyrus. I thought it was so obvious he was Cyrus. In real life, if it super-seems like someone definitely murdered someone, you would immediately get away from them forever???? Like, even if you feel lowkey silly for suspecting someone of being a murderer, you still suspect them, and you're not going to be in their house. This movie wants to play games and have me believe someone would not only go into their house, but get aggressive with them, and harass them into doing an interview. Okay, I don't have time for this mess. Except I do because I kept watching???

Whatever, Lance Henny turned out to not be Cyrus, but actually this nigga's friend. Blah blah they set it up so Lance H could lead Jamie and the cameraman to Cyrus' kill hole so he could...kill them. Can we talk about...howwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...why? Why...?...in the flashbacks, when Cyrus still had his wife and kid - why did that look like it took place in like the fifties?? It was definitely an old-timey time, right? And how come like three years after his wife died...did they change the actor playing him? So bizarre. Was this meant as an age progression? Since when is an age progression ever needed for three years? Like, a baby to a toddler - yeah. But like...a 25 year oldish dude to a 28 year oldish dude?? Is he a meth-addled former child star? Like, wtf. And then...Cyrus 2.0...is supposed to be how old? Idk, but why when they show him in that flashback with Lance Henny, LH is really old and then they flash-forward and they both look the same??? Shouldn't Cyrus 2.0 have aged and LH be dead??? This movie is true trash. 

Remember the ginger actress who played Cyrus' whore wife? Why was she so aggressively bad at acting? Really? She was the one who emerged among all the actresses that tried out for that mess part? Actually, I'd entirely believe if she was the only one who auditioned. I mean, come on. Also, why was Rae Dawn Chong's appearance made out to be bigger than it actually ended up being? She had like a few minutes of screentime as the victim of a serial killer? Like, she survived. Oh-kay? I thought she was going to end up being the older version of that blasian from the trio of friends? But then Cyrus yanked out her intestines, so I guess not?? 

Sigh, this movie was bad and dumb and I felt bad and dumb for watching it. So thus concludes this bad and dumb review thing about it sigh. 

I'm really annoyed I don't have a pic of that dehydrated ass baby corpse in that crib. If this movie did one thing right, it was having a woman pretend to breastfeed a years-old decomposing baby corpse. Good job on making that something I can never unsee, I guess??