I had no real expectations for this movie going in, I think. I was interested in it because I think it was mentioned in one of those listicles like "20 Underrated Movies You've Never Seen" or some bullshit like that. My image of this movie, prior to watching it, was basically J.Lo looking like this
Like anytime I've ever seen this movie mentioned, the photo above accompanied it, and I always wondered if this movie was like a feature-length version of an Aaliyah video, except starring J.Lo, which did not really appeal to me at all in any way. Also it starred Vince Vaughn? Like way to make something already unappealing-seeming seem even more unappealing???? But, again, I recently-ish saw this movie mentioned as a movie that is lowkey not that bad, possibly even good and/or interesting. Also Tarsem Singh directed it. That was appealing to me? Even though the only thing of his I've seen is The Fall. But I like really loved The Fall, and if the dude who made The Fall made some other shit, well I have to see it. loljk because I just looked up his filmography and he made Mirror Mirror and there's just no way I'm ever watching that, but nice try, sweetie.
This movie is definitely not that bad, possibly even good and/or interesting. Like, at first when it was starting, I had my finger gripped tightly to the remote because I was ready to shut this down at any moment. The opening credits were ticking off the cast and I was like "siiiigh". None of my faves, not even any of my embarrassing faves like an always miscast Stephen Dorff, or one of my weird faves, like an itchy-looking Fairuza Balk - none of them niggas. Like, if Dylan Baker is the most interesting name I see in the credits, that's a problem. Like Dylan Baker is cool, but, like, he's not a !surprise Giovanni!, you know?? And omfg when I saw Vincent D'Onofrio's name. I have an irrational hate for this dude for no reason? I think maybe it's because he played like the grossest alien in Men in Black and that's just been like scarred in my brain ever since?? Because he's like a good actor I think? So there's no reason for me to want to vomit every time I see him?? And definitely the more I'm exposed to him, the easier he has been to digest lol, and I definitely thought he was the best actor here. Of course, he had the best part as the killer, and got to have a weird pre-No Country for Old Men alt-villain haircut. That helped. Where's his fifth place best supporting actor in a musical and/or comedy Globes nom???
No, that musical and/or comedy thing was a simple funny joke I did. This movie is straight-up not funny or a musical, though very easily it could be both? Like it's a little cheesy, and 100% I could see this being made into a Broadway extravaganza. Like Idina Menzel shrilly belting a bunch of songs about being a super-hot, super-sweet psychologist who's the only one who can reach the deep center of boy brains due to her super-hot, super-sweetness??? Yes. And like, all the costumes in this movie?? Very jazz hands. Like, even the sleeping suit thing J.Lo had to wear when she went under? Just very high-drama. Also a little Battlefield Earth-y, but let's ignore that.
So, anyway, the movie is starting off and I lowkey want to stop watching it. It opens on this sort of dream sequence-y esque thing with J.Lo as like some beautiful fairy princess sort, walking through a desert or some shit? And there's some weird pompous-y boy in like shorts and a shirt and he's weird and J.Lo is trying to get him to go on a boat ride, but he's talking about some monster or boogey man or some shit that won't let him. Then J.Lo presses between her thumb and pointer finger, as if trying to ease a tension headache, and she wakes up from this dream thing. Turns out she had like teleported into this boy's brain. The boy is in a coma and she's trying to waken him. Presumably he's in the coma for psychological reasons, though I didn't pick up on this until later in the film.
J.Lo works at some weird place that is weird because her job is teleporting inside people's brains. Really, just that one boy's. I think the doctors are running a trial on him to see if their teleporting brain thing is a successful invention, before they, I guess, introduce it to the wider public. The boy's dad wants to pull him out of the trial and enter him into a proper hospital, as he is frustrated with the lack of results. But J.Lo says her walking around inside his son's brain is working, she just needs more time. Blah blah she gets six more months. Then we find out there's an extreme thing J.Lo wants to do with the boy, but the other doctors say it's too risky. Obviously it's something that would cause J.Lo to get lost inside this boy's brain forever probably, and this will not be the first time I will wonder why the fuck anyone would want to do this job but okaaaaaay!!
Vincent D'Onofrio is playing some freak who's murdering a bunch of bitches. He has an obsession with albinism? Like, his dog is albino and he bleaches his victims? I think they mentioned it had something to do with purity, I guess? Honestly, I feel like his albinism obsession wasn't properly explained - they just wanted some weird serial killer quirk for him. But it's like, isn't being a serial killer...quirky enough??? Like. They have this nigga drowning hos in a huge glass case of water like he thinks he's Jon Polito in Blankman, and also they have him suspending himself in the air from hooks? Like my dude has shower curtain rings permanently implanted in his back?? Okay but how did he get them there?? Did he like ask a friend?? No he didn't. This dude has never had a friend. Okay, maybe he paid someone. But who? And how did he go about asking to even get this done?? Come on, you can't just throw weird shit on the screen and not give me explanations for it, even if this is a ~sci fi fantasy~ thing and you're supposed to suspend disbelief or whatever?? Like J.Lo is transporting herself into other people's brains. Do I not have any questions about how exactly the fuck she's doing that I meaaaaaan.
Vince Vaughn comes on the scene when Vinny D dumps one of his bodies near a lake or some shit. Why does he dump that body? Doesn't he keep them and make dolls? I think Vince mentions that he thinks Vinny D wants to get caught - ok but why?? It's a cry for help? Lol okay. Vince Vaughn is playing a cop and sort of immediately I checked no Juliet. Like, what was he doing here? I feel like he was trying something, but it was not...working. It was like you could see him thinking in his brain "ima a copc ima cop i,a m a loner dedicated cop blah five o clock shadoooowwww i sleep at work cuz im so dedicated and somtorutred and omg coopppppp". Like, spare me and please and stop it right now. Omg that fucking story he told J.Lo about how he used to be a lawyer and he tried to get this molester put in jail but there was a technicality so the molester got off free and then literally the next day he went to the girl's house and murdered her and was just sitting on the couch with her gouged-out corpse body when the parents walked in - LOL PLEEEEASSSSEEEEEEEEE. That story was 100% over the top and ridiculous and, maybe, it could have been sold. By a better actor. But in zero way by Vince Vaughn. Omg the more I think about this movie the less slightly good it seems lol. Like lowkey it might've been trash?? lol idk
So Vinny D's next victim is Tara Subkoff. Can we talk about when she gets off the elevator in the parking garage and has her mace out and shit but her car is literally like five feet away?? And she's like taking all fucking day to walk over to it?? Lol wtf. The only explanation for that mess is that maybe she was attacked in a parking garage before or someone else was at that particular one and so she's just extra cautious?? Okay, but then explain the super-slow fucking walking?? Why not run?? AND EXPLAIN TO ME PLEASE why the fuck she'd get out of her car when she sees that dog?? Why is a dog in a parking garage that is presumably not on the first floor? And okay. A dog is in a parking garage - fine. Honk your motherfucking horn until it moves and then pull your fucking car out. Don't goddamn get out! Why is a dog there?? And what are you going to do once you walk over to it?? Was this meant to display her ~sweet~ ~caring~ nature or some shit? Dumb and stupid nature, more like but okaaaaaay. The dog is Vinny D's. Oh 100% I'm forgetting she thought she hit the dog while pulling out lol. Even more reason not to get out of your car but alright. Anyway, this is how Vinny D ends up snatching this bitch. Fun for the whole family. Can we talk about how Peter Sarsgaard played her fiancé person and he got like no screentime? This movie is bullshit, I've decided. Like I thought I liked it but how the fuck do you have Peter Sarsgaard and not properly utilize him?? Ya blew it, Tarsem. Ya blew it.
So Vince and his crew end up getting a bunch of leads on Vinny D - like his whereabouts and shit? Yo, real quick, what was up with Vince Vaughn's partner? Whyyyyyy anything? Why was he always on the phone and why was he so all up in Vince V's shit?? Idk, he was sort of weird and I kept expecting for something to come of him but nothing ever did?? Um, okay. So they figure out where Vinny D lives. They surround Vinny D's house while he's inside taking a bath and being, in general, a fucking freak. He starts having some weird seizure just as they make a move to ambush him. Once the squat team and all them niggas get inside Vinny D's house, he's passed out. Tara Subkoff isn't there. Vince V is all mad and stuff. He gets even more madder and stuff when he finds out Vinny D has some bullshit called "Whalen's Infraction" which lowkey I thought was real and feel dumb now that I looked it up and it's not haha. But anyway, it's a made-up for this movie form of schizophrenia that is activated by trauma in water?? Like it puts you into a perma-coma. It's also the thing I think the boy J.Lo and those doctors are working on has. Which brings Vince Vaughn and his crew to them.
Vince V and his crew want J.Lo and her crew to dig inside Vinny D's brain to see if they can find out where he's hidden Tara Subkoff. So this is going to be a race to the last minute sort of thing where the glass encasement Vinny D put Tara in starts filling up with water while J.Lo is inside Vinny D's brain trying to coax Tara's location out of him blah blah. I rolled my eyes at how the rest of this movie would play out, but was interested to see what mess would be inside Vinny D's brain. Turns out, it's Matt from Lizzie McGuire running around, playing with fucking horses and being abused by some faceless father and, overall, the inside of Vinny D's brain was pretty predictable lol. Like, of course that horse was going to get sliced into a bunch of pieces. Um, helllloo. Can we talk about that horse thing? Who am I talking to??? Imdb trivia tells me that fall down glass slicing shit is inspired by a Damien Hirst installation?? An installation called "Some Comfort Gained from the Acceptance of the Inherent Lies in Everything". I first saw an "homage" to this installation in Hannibal, which is what the horse thing made me think of. I was all like "oh, did Bryan Fuller get that idea from this movie? Hmm, I feel uncomfortable he took inspiration from this" lol, but I guess he got it from this Damien character. I still feel uncomfortable. I just want to think Bryan Fuller comes up with all that shit in Hannibal on the spot. But um okay the show is not even an original concept so wtf am I talking about?? Also, what's the difference between "inspired by" and "straight-up just stole that shit"???
J.Lo leaves Vinny D's brain after a short while when she gets scared. She's all like "I don't want to do that again". Then Vince Vaughn tries to make her feel guilty with his probably made-up story about that molester. Probably he wasn't even a proper laywer. He was one of those 1-800-OOPSIES type of lawyers but got his shit shut down for malpractice or serving bad donuts in the lobby or some shit. So now he's a cop because you don't have to shower as much. J.Lo goes back into Vinny D's brain a second time to try to find out where the fuck he put Tara Subkoff. She ends up talking to him and he overpowers her, trapping her in his brain. The other doctors say that if J.Lo starts to think what's happening to her is real...she can die or some shit. Okay shouldn't they have something in place that would prevent that from happening? Like what happened to the in between her thumb and finger pressing thing?? Did she forget about that or
So whatever. J.Lo is stuck in Vinny D's brain, so they send in Vince Vaughn after her. He meets up with her and she's like Vinny D's slave and this is the part that's sort of like an Aaliyah video. Or some shit late-nineties vampire film. That's like super fucking gay in a not at all self-aware sort of way. Vince is all "wake up, J.Lo!!!" Eventually she does, yada yada yada she stabs Vinny D. Vince V gets his clue for where Tara is located and it's time to bounce. J.Lo doesn't want to leave young Vinny D in his brain?? Like alone?? Do you not...understand how this brain teleporting shit works? Hmmmm. Like, I barely do, but I feel like I know enough to know that...that boy stays there, and you leave and that's that. Except SIIIGH, it's not. They both wake up and Vince takes off to go find Tara, but J.Lo goes against orders and puts herself back under. The other doctors are all like "nooo", but she locked them out and they can't get in to wake her up blaaah. She goes back inside Vinny D's brain to kill younger Vinny D and release him from his misery. Idk, man. Like, does the mind version of Vinny D even really exist in any real way? Like...hmm. Vinny D is in a coma...idk...howwwwwwwww. Like does the mind version of younger Vinny D actually exist if...Vinny D isn't cognizant? And okay, he's trapped inside there...but how real is it?? Ugh, idk, why am I trying to get real tangible answers from a sci-fi fantasy film. I just don't see why it matters to kill younger Vinny D if Vinny D is in a permanent coma. Like it seems like younger version Vinny D trapped inside his brain would only suffer if Vinny D was...awake...but okaaaay, I guess not??? Whatever, J.Lo kills that boy, which ends up killing real-life Vinny D?????? Then she takes Vinny D's dog and Vince Vaughn thinks she's weird for doing that and I sort of do too but okay who else was gonna take the dog? The end. Oh, Vince V ended up saving Tara right at the last moment eyerolllllllllllllllllllllll.com/screamingathimshootingattheglasslikewhatifheshotherlolbutokay
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