As in The Long, Hot Summer, Joanne plays an old as fuck maid spinstery spinny spinster who is also a teacher, but most importantly, the entrance to her vaginal canal is blocked by cobwebs. What differentiates this movie from the mess that is The Long, Hot Summer, is that Joanne's character Rachel is actually of a more acceptable old maid spinnery spinster age: 35 to Long, Hot's 25. Also, this movie examines the life of a spinster far less offensively and with a more subtle hand than that of Long, Hot. And it's not all about Rachel being a spinster, it's also about her life sort of being at a standstill, and her passively going through the motions. I wonder if Paul Newman decided to direct this to make up for The Long, Hot Summer? Like at this point in his career he has way more power compared to the beginning of his career, so now he can acquire and direct projects that aren't super-offensive to the audience? And he's like, "Hey, let's re-do that shit we made ten years ago and make it be less bad?? First: let's entirely omit Orca Whales." That was a very good start, Paul.
I think the movie opens with a pan-over of the small town Rachel lives in; then we see her in bed. Her alarm clock goes off and then she's just lying there like
gpoy. Wait - am I a spinnery spinster passively going through the motions of life? 1,000% yes. Moving on!!
Rachel, Rachel lives with her mom - wait, why is this movie called Rachel, Rachel? Does it refer to like the "two Rachels'? (the two faces of Rachel siiiiigh)?? Like one Rachel is the one who's...walking around on Earth talking to people, and then the other Rachel is the one inside her head? The alterna Rachel who takes that boy from her class home and sniffs that weird guy's hand??? Okay but I feel like alterna Rachel and the Rachel inside her head are two different...Rachels?? Maybe she has two voices: like one that tells her not to masturbate herself to sleep and that's the Rachel that doesn't save that little boy from getting molested, and then the other Rachel that tells the other voice she's just masturbating to get to sleep is the one that saves him and brings him home and is like "you can call me whatever you want :)))" like she's Miss Honey but less annoying because it's not Embeth Davidtz? Can we talk about how that boy was totally about to get molested, right? By that guy Rachel referred to as "the groper"??? Like why was she so hesitant to send the boy to his office?? That gave me major creeper vibes. But also why was Rachel imagining rubbing her face on his child booty hole massaging fingers??? Confusadora. Like I get you can be attracted to bad people - pretty sure Ted Bundy has a fanclub - it's just...I feel like it's weird for her to suspect him of creepin' on the kiddies and then also be fantasizing about rubbing her face on what he uses to creep on the kiddies with, you know??? Or maybe I was reading it wrong and god what is happening to this summary? Or is it a review?? Why does life keep happening to me?? It's never-ending!!
So anyway! Rachel lives with her mommy. Remember when her mom was talking about that unmarried woman who got pregnant with like twins and decided she was going to keep the babies and it's super-scandalous and Rachel's mom is talking about how she told whoever that she's glad her two daughters never gave her any problems like that and Rachel is looking at her like
??? 1. What is that shit on her mom's head/chin? Is it like one of those face-lift devices?? Does that shit work? It looks gross. Also, this side-eye mom look reminded me of Xavier Dolan in I Killed My Mother when his mother is eating that fruit and side-eye looks at moms really needs to become a trope in movies and television. It's so, like, authentic. Also this sort of foreshadowed what Rachel goes through later in the movie, right? Ugh, do we have to talk about James Olson and his receding hairline? I don't want to!
So school ends and on the last day Rachel goes to some little store to get suntan lotion even though she says she never uses it and the clerk shades her like "maybe just a little bottle". Pleeease. Okay let's talk about why Rachel goes in this store - why does she?? Did she just want to be around all the hot horny youths? Or was she just legit going to the store to buy stuff and didn't really think about them being there? I would never go into a store that was full of people, because I am constantly in the mood of wanting to go on a killing spree, and crowds of individuals are just not my aesthetic. Especially not younger-types, who wear jeans and do the skateboard. They might try to make me chug Mountain Dew or something - no thanks!!! So in this crowded ass store some dude sans the horrific toupée he wore in Amityville II: The Possession, is like, "Rachel?" Oh, boy, here we go.
James Olson plays some dude named Nick. He's the twin brother who didn't die. So I guess that means he can act like a douchey ass no hairline having ass dick???? He's 100% coming on to Rachel and it's really gross but I feel like maybe she didn't notice? Has she never been comed...on...to...before? Sigh. I feel like Rachel is cute so it's not logical. Maybe it's been a while? Idk but this dude is basically trying to fuck, while simultaneously trying to read the fuck out of Rachel's life. He's like "haha so they left you behind!!!" and shit of that nature and I'm like "...". Also he says he teaches high school...or Rachel says it for him and he just nods like "uh huh" - this nigga don't teach nowhere!! He's a con man and his hairline starts at the back of his fucking neck - run!!! Rachel doesn't run, though. Like, even after he gets frustrated with her not realizing he's trying to get in them jeans and asks if her sister's around. Rachel's just like ":) no she got married and moved and had kids :)". Like he went from "oh go to the movies with me haha :))" to "OKAY WELL IS UR SISTER AROUND DAMN!" Why are you like this, Nick? And even when he's being fake-nice and asking her out, it's just gross vibes all-around. Like when he asks Rachel to the movies she's like, "What's playing?" and he says "Does it matter?" UM, YES. The fuck? I'm not going to see fucking Aloha or that movie where Reese Witherspoon is handcuffed to Sofia Vergara just to have you trying to make out with me the whole time and I don't even get to watch the shitty movie. Like I'm not going to be seen going to either of those films if all we're going to be doing is gross kiss stuff. I want to see Mad Max: Fury Road, and I want to watch all of it and don't touch me and buy me Raisinets thanks. That's what Rachel should have said, right, but she just laughs??? I hate Nick soo much get awaaayyy from herrr.
Whatever, Rachel ends up going out with this dude and he's...like you can tell he's a mess. He gets like randomly passionately angry when they go to a bar - something about not wanting to work for his dad or some shit. It's like lol okay use your inside voice ur on a date and also inside but okay. Then he and Rachel go to have sex outside somewhere (???) and Nick is pulling her clothes off and notices Rachel is...uncomfortable...and says something about how the first time is always bad. And I totally, like Rachel, thought he meant he knew she was a virgin. She's all like, "Is it that obvious?" and he's all "is what obvious?" or something like that and I'm all "...ohhhhhh." Hello, she's never had sex before clue the fuck in!!!
I'm glad this movie was made in 1968 and they weren't doing full-on sex scenes yet in America, right? So great I didn't have to see that. So happy. Afterwards, Rachel is worried about being pregnant? Hmmm definitely you should've use prophylactics fucking that dirty nigga. Who the heck knows what kind of free love ass fucking diseases he has. You're worried about being pregnant but probably one of the many viruses he also passed along to you will kill that baby up right quick like. She goes to get her mom's...I forgot the name of that thing. I was of the impression it was used for douching? But maybe it's used for...idk. You put vinegar and like water in it and shoot it up inside you, right? Okay...but if it's mainly for...abortions...why does...the mom have it? Like why does she react so shocked and horrified when she discovers Rachel was trying to use it? If it's used for more than abortion purposes why did she automatically think Rachel was using it for that? Maybe she wanted to cleanse...her colon? But it's like 100% obvious I don't know what the old school ass device is. Sybil's mom used it on her to abuse her, right? To like clean out her vagina a ton when she was a kid? And Sybil's abusey mom was totally that teacher from Splendor in the Grass which was...directed by Elia Kazan...who totally snitched on his commie colleagues to the HUAC and got them blacklisted and...Sidney Poitier is black...and he was in...Paris Blues with Joanne and Paul omg!!!!!!! Six degrees of separation man - it's legit.
Wait let's ignore Nick rq because I totally forgot to talk about Estelle Parsons and that's completely unacceptable. So Estelle plays some other teacher bitch at Rachel's school named Calla, which is a cool name I think. Unless I find out it's some weird racist white ppl shit. You know how some names are like racist references? And you're like omg that's a cool name but then you find out Rudolf's parents named him after Rudolf Hess and you're like okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. So Calla is sort of cute and gives Rachel gifts for no reason
like this cool tree. Rachel is soooo souped to get that tree. She's like "it's the one from the fair!" or something like that and she keeps going "it's too much!!" Like she loves that fucking tree soo much and it's sooo cute and Calla just got it for her just to get it and I'm like :33333. Can we talk about how Calla is the perfect match for Rachel??? Like her soulmate is sitting right under her nose hello. I mean, okay, so maybe Rach isn't a lesbian. But like sexuality is fluid and is Rachel really about to sit up here and deny she wasn't 100% into that kiss Calla planted on her??? Hell no she is not. Come on, Rach, ditch the dick and get with the...vagina lips sigh. Also Calla 1,000% would be way better at fucking than Nick. She has the same equipment as you - it'd be farrrr less awkward. Also, no worries about pregnancy and having to shame your mom having kids out of wedlock. But I guess I can't force Rachel to be attracted to Calla in that way if she just isn't. But Calla loves her and Rachel needs love and it's right there!! Hello!
However, Calla is like in some weird religious cult so that's a definite strike against her. I like the...church scene. I'll try to not be a horrible and call it a church even though it was straight-up some weird hippie cult haha but I'll not do that haha.
Rememer when that David Miscavige-y dude was making Rachel repeat "love" over and over? hmm if that was me I would have stubbornly refused to participate until the bitter end. Like he'd be holding a gun to my head and I still wouldn't look him in the eyes and say love because I'm a horrific piece of shit :') But Rachel is...receptive, right? Like, she wants love and to be loved and all that gunk. Also what were the flashbacks to her father alluding to - that he was the only one who ever really loved her? Or...maybe that he was the only who she ever truly loved...or when she thinks about love that's who/what she imagines?? I wonder if she loved her mom. Like, yeah, she imagines her od'ing on sleeping pills - but who doesn't imagine that about their mom haha!! Mmm idk, but I liked this scene and thought it was weird and sort of funny and Geraldine Fitzgerald. Did I finish talking about Estelle Parsons lol. Am I done???? My opinion is that she has a nice sort of gypsy tan and she's way hotter than Nick and I don't get why Rachel was dickmatized by him when he doesn't even have a hairline or Calla's cool glasses like okay.
Back to Nick? No. Not...like, no. Sigh. So Rachel spends like a weekend or something up at the barn??? And they're fucking. And then Rachel gets weird and is all "You make me so happy and you've saved me and let's have babies!!" And that whole scene is so hard to watch and I just want to die. Not even because she's sort of supremely-embarrassing and desperate, but just...like...you're saying all that shit about Nick. He's the twin that should've died, Rachel, come on get some fucking standards. But whatever, predictably, Nick gets all scary like "whoa whoa whoa" and then he's all like "there's something you should see" and shows Rachel a pic of some kid, and I, prob like Rachel, assumed he had a family. Hmmm, but does he? The woman Rachel speaks on the phone with says Nick doesn't have a family...or that he didn't get married yet??? It was sort of ambiguous, right? I figured Rachel assumed he was married with the 2.5 kids and golden retriever, but maybe he just had a kid...??? But also I started thinking that picture he pulled out was maybe a pic of him as a kid or his brother? lol what a fucking piece of shit either way
What kills me is when Rachel really thinks she's pregnant. Like, first she's distraught and worried, right? Because she's unmarried and it's 1960 something and that's not totally okay. What's funny is that she handles thinking she's pregnant by drinking rye and smoking?? lol okay no wonder all these pre-eighties babies are a mess. Rq let's talk about...
Frank Corsaro!! Who played Hector Jonas. He's the one in the back there. Like, I loved him. And I got all excited like who is this actor is he a Cassavetes actor where have I seen him??? Then I go on this nigga's imdb page and this is like the only fucking movie he's ever acted in??? lol okaaaaaaaaaaaay. I hate that! ugh. I'm guessing he was primarily a stage actor?? This is bullshit but okaaaaaaaaaaaay.
Okay back to Rachel passive aggresively trying to kill her baby! So she's drinking a bunch and then goes over to Calla's house and has black coffee and another smoke??? Like okayaaaaaaay even if you're considering killling the kid like it's not dead yet so maybe calm down??? Am I being accidentally pro-life? INEVER WANG TO ACCIDENTALL BE PROL IFE. But anyway Rachel decides to keep the kid and this is when I remembered that she isn't actually pregnant and got all frowny face for her. But it still killed me when the doc told her she just had a cyst and she started crying by herself in the examination room. Like, okay, there's some shit in my eye. But I think this is a good thing because...it's like now she knows what she really wants, right? Like she wants a family...or at least a kid, right? Before, she didn't really know and, like she said, was sleepwalking through life and her having this little breakdown over finding out she's not having a baby sort of wakes her up. She takes that job in Oregon and already bought her ticket and is straight-up with her mom like, "You can come with me or not" and her mom is being a drama queen but Rachel doesn't buckle and it's just a beautiful awakening. The caterpillar is emerging from its chrysalis, nah??? Yes!!! And then that end scene on the bus I think is beautiful because it's her thinking about moving to Oregon and how there could be all these possibilities and things that can happen to her or not happen to her, but it's still optimism and hope for the future either way and I was like...weirdly not depressed. Which is a new and cool thing for me!
But hmmm what is the thing with the woman on the beach with the kid? Is Paul Newman telling us that's Future Rachel? If so, cool. Cool cool. But also I'm wondering why that was needed. Like...did Newman's Own think ppl would feel uncomfortable with just the bus ending? Like they needed confirmation Rachel would get that baby? Mmm but maybe it wasn't even like that because I feel the beach thing was maybe something that was a possibility, not necessarily a peek into Rachel's future? Idk. Either way, good movie. Thanks Paul for directing your wife in something that properly showcased her talents why are you dead please haunt me please trap me in some weird in-between state via sleep paralysis and confirm or deny that threesome you supposedly had with Eartha Kitt and James Dean thanxxx sweetie thank you
Here are my babies on the cover of Life promoting this movie like I just needed to post this look at them pleeeaasse
Also omg look at Pitty being a ~*~director~*~. Omg it's so cute!! I wonder what it was like on set like I wonder if they worked well together and every1 thought they were adorable or was it like a scary toxic dynamic like how I imagine Cassavetes/Rowland's dynamic was???? Either way I am so happy and want to die right now in this moment, when everything is perfect :") OMG AND THEIR DAUGHTER IS IN THIS AND SHE'S LIKE A PERFECT BLEND OF THEM BOTH AND HER FUCKINGNAME IS NELL PLEASE KILL ME IN MY SLEEEPZZZ
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