???: Hausu (1977)

Girl, what??

I have no idea. The most I could figure out:

There's a girl named Gorgeous, and she has like four friends: Mac (greedy fatty), Prof (wears glasses), Melody (plays the fucking piano), and Kung Fu (guess). The four girls are off to some camp or something, right? But Gorgeous is going on a separate vacay with her father. That all changes when--REAL QUICK CAN WE TALK ABOUT THEIR CREEPY PROBABLY TOTALLY INCESTUOUS CHEMISTRY??!?! No? Okay, fine, I'm over it anyway. SO INITIALLY GORGEOUS IS GOING on vacay with her daddy, but then at the last minute he springs on her that a special guest will be joining them. Gorgeous is excited like "Who??" and then this nigga brings out some soap operay looking vaguely asiany looking dream sequencey looking fantasy bitch who, like, literally glides into the room, and is accompanied by her own wind machine and shit. And she's wearing like billowy curtains as a dress? Girl. And the dad has the audacity to be like "This yo new mommy". Gorgeous isn't having it and checks no juliet on the rsvp card. She'll go to camp or whatever with her friends. 

EXCEPT! Camp is cancelled. For...some reason. The teacher guy said a thing, right? That dusty dude--Oh, I forgot Fantasy!! How could I forget Fantasy she was the one I decided I'd be. Or...I'd be a mix of Mac and Fantasy, I guess. With a sprinkling of that crazy aunt. Lol @ "sprinkling" when I am lowkey actually the whole 64 oz. tub dumped straight in, BUT ANYWAY! 

So anyway!!! Fantasy has a crush on that dusty teacher dude. What does this have to do with anything? BITCH. I DO NOT KNOW. But the camp thing is deaded. Until...Gorgeous gets this idea to visit her aunt???? Or I think she was missing her aunt and wrote her and the--NO, GORGEOUS WROTE THE AUNT THAT SHE WANTED TO VISIT WITH HER FRIENDS. That's the thing that happened, correct? Sigh. I'm not even getting confused by the actual confusing stuff, I'm just...I just have ADD and my mind is the mind of a squirrel, except I lack the fortitude and self-control to store nuts in my cheek for longer than any seconds that's what she said.

:(

Backstory on the aunt? Uhhh so. She was in love with--FIRST OFF, Gorgeous' mom is dead, who is...DUH...the aunt's sister. So backstory on, sigh, that. The aunt lost her sister. Okay. But before that she had a boo but he went off to Army and was killed and after that she became a recluse; basically Japanese Miss Havisham. Which means instead of some cobwebbed-haired and vagina looking ol' bitty, you get to stunt on hoes, ie:

Look at this ol' spinstery, no man having, never leaving the house ass goddess. KILLIN' EVERY BITCH IN THE GAME!!! 

When the girls show up at the aunt's hausu is when the movie really popped off for me. The first twenty minutes or so I was just slack-jawed and contemplating every few seconds "Should I turn this off?". What would I have watched instead? Something dumb, and easy, with no subtitles, b. That was making me feel hella basic and slow, so I decided to soldier on. And I'm glad because if I had turned it off I would have never met my queen^. I just really loved everything about the aunt right away immediately and couldn't wait for her to start eating those little hoes. And I liked the girls. They were all very cute. Especially Gorgeous, right? Like, what an apt nickname. But all of them were just so...snuggly!! Ugh, kill me. Even the ugliest, Mac. They were calling her fat and I was like "aw, only to Asians :')". So cute! But lowkey I can't wait for you all to be gobbled up by this weird ass, fake-crippled witch bitch!! 

LET'S TALK ABOUT THE AUNT JUST GETTING UP OUT OF THE WHEELCHAIR!!! I screamed for one hundred thousand million years. And one of the girls was like "...You can walk?". This reminded me of a Wheels & the Legman-centric episode of American Dad. I think their first outing. Look at what I'm doing right now. Why can't I focus? Sigh, when is TBS airing the new season of American Dad ugh they get on my nerves because I'm too lazy to check their scheduling. How dare they not respect their viewers by telepathically relaying scheduling information they're too lazy to Google, directly into their brains?!?! BUT I FUCKING DIGRESS!! Like. Her getting up out that wheelchair had me rollin'. Really everything the aunt did had me crying. She was mad obviously a cannibalistic witch, and I wonder why the girls ignored all those redflags. LIKE HER GETTING OUT OF THE WHEELCHAIR. It was so blatantly ignored. SHE JUST WALKED UP OUT OF IT. Omg and then her talking about how her dad used to kill people in that room or something? THEY FOUND A SKELETON AND JUST STARTED LAUGHING INSTEAD RUNNING CLEAR ACROSS THE FUCKING CONTINENT. Since when? Since when the damn do u find a skeleton in someone's home and laugh instead of turning into one yourself from shock because why is a skeleton just straight up chillin' in this bitch's living room??? And then how weird she was about the fridge!!! AND THEN WHEN SHE WAS EATING AND SHOWED FANTASY THAT EYEBALL IN HER MOUTH!! 

Look. I get that Fantasy ~imagines things~, but come on!! What a cheap, like, plot device thingy. Oh, Fantasy so happens to be the one to see all the crazy shit--WAIT NOW HOLD UP! CAUSE ALL THESE BITCHES SAW THAT HO RISE UP FROM THE ASHES OF THAT GODDAMN WHEELCHAIR LIKE SHE'D JUST BEEN BLESSED BY THE HOLY SPIRIT. She just easy breezy deezy stood up out that chair and not a single bitch screamed or even got an attitude like, "Ho, we been pushin' u around in this shit and everything...???". 

Yo, whatever. Lol like I'm mad they just kept ignoring so much obvious shit. Mad for no reason because this movie is not based in reality in anyway. It's like a fantasy horror comedy and, honestly, they could've had this bitch fucking levitate out that chair, look straight into the camera, and reveal where Tupac's hiding cave is and I would've had to just accept that. And lowkey she did most of that and I was sitting there watching like "smh", taking this movie at face value when it's literally about a house eating people. Like, okay girl @ me. 

This movie was amusing. At first I was struggling to care, then my goddess appeared and I got into it. I'd recommend anyone watch this, but I still walked away like..."what?". The thing with the aunt and Gorgeous sort of reminded me of...that Burt Reynolds movie...The Maddening. In that movie Angie Dickinson's sister "disappeared" and she and ol' toupée head imprisoned some stranger bitch to act as her...replacement. Angie's character definitely starts calling the replacement by her sister's name and shit. So...the aunt lured Gorgeous to her home to...replace...her sister? Okay, coooool. But what was the house eating thing about? Her grief concerning the dead beaux??? Idk, man. And then...what's gonna happen to ol' wind machine billowy curtains dress? She showed up at the end all soft lit and Vaseline covered lens and I was lowkey shipping her and Gorgeous, buttttttt...I'm pretty sure she's gonna get ate. Ah well.

WAS THE FLUFFY WHITE CAT GORGEOUS' MOM IN SPIRIT???

I'm so slow and want to die. 

DON'T LOOK AT MEEEEE!!!!!!