Unbroken (2014)

Um. 

Not...

hm.

This was one of the movies I was really pumped for last year. This...and like Whiplash and Foxcatcher and Nightcrawler. Like, all these movies tumbled out and I was excited for...four. I've seen Whip and Fox, and neither of those movies disappointed. Haven't seen Nightcrawler yet. Unbroken was the third movie I crossed of my list of Really Want to See. I.......did not have the same reaction to this movie, the same feeling, as I did after watching Whiplash and Foxcatcher. 

I can't tell if I was disappointed, though. I don't know if I had high hopes, so much as I just was interested in the story, and excited to see Jack O'Connell in a major role. This just looked like a exciting, sort of tentpoley story based on a biography. Like, there'd be cheesy elements, as expected, but it'd go hard. In that mainstream, big budget sort of way. And sometimes I'm into that. 

Unbroken...definitely went hard. And that's...like all it did. I think I read a review for this once that described the movie as like an exercise of punishment, which doesn't make sense, so I'm sure they worded it differently to be accurate and not-dumb, but...I agree lol. Like every scene was Louis (and others) going through more and more extreme shit, and that's all the scenes would be about?? Por ejemplo: when Louis, Phil and Mac were on the life raft in the middle of the ocean - that shit was giving me Life of Pi teas. But only, like, visually. Life of Pi was a very...like, spiritual film. And also I feel like I learned a lot about Pi even though he didn't talk that much and most of the movie just dealt with him trying to survive on this life boat. 

Unbroken didn't delve deep, or even fake-deep like Life of Pi. It didn't delve anywhere. Louis, Phil and Mac are just chillin' on this raft starving and getting sunburned. They deal with sharks sometimes? Mac's greedy, weak ass eats all the chocolate. Uhhh they're shot at once?? Look, I ended up really caring about all three of them, so good job making me care? But I sort of...regret caring in a way because it's like all the movie wanted to do was have them go through shit. Okay, can we take a break from all the suffering so Phil can talk about the job he had back at home or whatever? His god stuff? Something? Okay. So, no, you gave me, once, a character, Louis, actually having a non-suffering based moment, with him talking about some shit his mom used to make at home. But it was weird because he was describing the meal in detail while all three of them were deep in starvation mode? What kind of masochist? What is this movie, honestly? 

Okay and then once they become prisoners of war--I was really pissed, first of all, that Phil was shuttled away. Is it because I have a Domnhall Gleeson thing? MAYBE!! But also I felt we could've had some nice scenes with him and Louis once they met Miyavi. Like they're suffering under his rule, and Louis' is getting his ass beat and lowkey molested every day and then Phil does prayers for him and like cuddles Louis' beaten and bloodied head in his arms and sings him church hymns to sleep. BUT NO! Phil had to be carted off, which was fucking bullshit. I mean, I guess that's how it went in real life. But fuck a real-life! Give me homoerotic tension and soft-gay bromance at war scenes, and give me them now! I wasn't here for the new white boys Louis had to befriend at Miyavi's house. They were just fault replacements for his true love, Phil. And I like a lot of the actors playing those dudes, there just wasn't any development to make me care. 

No characters had ~development~, whatever that means in this Vine movies day and age. This movie was all about: characters are abused, Louis is abused the mostest. Let's uncomfortably watch him get abused a whole lot. He won't have a lot of lines, there's just mostly gonna be abuse. One scene he will be punched by all of his friends!! Are you excited? No? WELL, WHY NOT?!?!

The best thing about this movie was Miyavi. What did they call his character, The Bird? Something like that. Miyavi turned the fuck up. He gave me Amon Goeth tease, I was completely here for it. And I really loved the fact that he clearly had some weird crush on Louis, and went about expressing it in a very kindergarten in a patriarchal society sort of way: by "teasing" Louis. He beats Louis with a fucking bamboo stick, um, cuz he wuvs him!!! That's so cute :33!! BUT IT REALLY WAS CUTE. That's how bad this movie might accidentally be: Miyavi tearing Louis' ass up was actually completely fucking adorable. Like remember when the troops were putting on that performance (which <.<), and Miyavi went to sit down next to Louis and was telling him about he got promoted and would be leaving the camp? And he was like "Aren't you going to congratulate your friend?" or something like that? I was so D E V A S TATED when Louis didn't say anything back. Talk to your boo!!! Congratulate him on his promotion that doesn't really seem like a promotion wasn't he just sent to a more far away prison lol what a joke.

I didn't like Miyavi putting Louis through all this shit, and then doing petty shit like tripping him and stuff, but I totally felt his pain of an unrequited crush. Louis wasn't checking for him at. all. Miyavi was just acting from a place of pain, of loneliness, of being neither loved, nor wanted. I mean, maybe if he were nicer? How are you gonna introduce yourself to someone you think is cute by breaking their nose? Bit...bit rude, don't you say? Not exactly...charming. Ya know? Walk up to Louis rocking that atrocious shoe polish hair dye with a little swagger, but some sensitive niggocity thrown in for good measure. Louis wants a dude with charisma and confidence, but who will also be gentle, someone who will bottlefeed him all his food like a lamb. Not even for a good reason, like he got his stomach taken out or whatever, he just wants to be fed like a lamb. Miyavi seemed like the type of dude, who, if he's bottle-feeding you, it's because he did something to you prior that renders you incapable of digesting solid foods properly. Probably your esophagus doesn't work, also, so he has to massage the liquid down your throat, just like he likes. But not like how Louis likes :(

I love how I just wrote an entirely 100% better movie, but whatever, I'm the best. Who wrote this? The Coen brothers, for some reason?? And then before it was a book. The book was lit, right? I never read it, but it was on one of those lists for forever, no? I mean, that doesn't mean it was good. I'm wondering if the book...makes the characters pop. Makes them...more than 1-D? Probably. But it's so crazy how books can be better at describing people and giving you this three dimensional idea of a person when movies...just seem like they'd offer an easier platform to transform a character from the page into this multidimensional entity, you know? Like we get visuals and dialogue. Maybe that's the problem? With a book you're forced to describe everything and get inside characters heads, whereas with movies you can rely on just showing shit? SIGH, THAT'S NOT HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO WORK, BUT OH KAY.

Ultimately, I lived for the pathetic ass updates the movie gave us at the end. Apparently, Louis met up with a bunch of his captors and forgave them or whatever. All except for Miyavi, I mean Wantanabe or whatever, who refused to meet with Louis. Probably stayed in his little apartment and cried into a stuffed doll of Louis at the Olympics he's had forever. Webbed and crusted over with semen and tears. Can I get a movie all about Watanabe or The Bird shit what the fuck was his name. Fuck it, I don't even need a movie about that dude specifically, just thrust more Miyavi at me. Ruin him by putting him in more shitty American productions. Put him on some dumb ass CW show about zombie werewolves who are also Instagram famous and one has cancer, for that Big Pharma sponsorship. Miyavi is like some Japanese superstar, right? I need to check in on that. Sigh, I've only been paying attention to the Koreans and I've barely cracked the surface of their entertainment industry. Like, I know So Ji-sub, and...Gong-sil. Annnnd CL, of course. And Kai and D.O. from Exo, which...I still can't figure out what the difference is between Exo and Exo-m and I think there's an Exo-k. No, there definitely is. Sigh. And now I gotta get started on the Japanese. Why is life so hard? Should I just be grateful I'm not a prisoner in a Japanese war camp? Lowkey, no, because if I was then I'd probably know some things about Japanese superstars, so.