Whiplash (2014)

Yes. This movie has everything: yelling, abuse, homoerotic overtones, Miles Teller, Paul Reiser (lol), um...intense...drumming...scenes???

Well, the yelling and abuse and Miles Teller were really important to me. Like, when I first saw the trailers for this movie I was like, "oh, okay. Oz, but, like, drums. Okay, turn up!" I was really into the idea of Schillinger being a rapey Nazi in a college setting, heaping abuse upon a young student played by new Shia LaBeouf. Like, what a perfect concept for a film. You know what I like, Damien Chazelle. 

So new Shia LaBeouf, who will never replace old one, due to new one's inability to cry on cue even when there is no cue, plays some nigga named Andrew. Andrew does drums. Rq: I never knew when Andrew was playing good/bad/okayish, so I never knew when Schillinger was just being a dick or a hardass...or if legit Andrew wasn't playing the best he could play, or at least good enough to get into Fletcher's band. Wait, really quick part II: Is Miles more Shia LaBeouf, or John Cusack? Like a blend of both? That sounds really horrible on paper, but...the actualized version...is much worse :')

Okay lol so the movie starts with Andrew playing drums in some room blah blah Fletcher is, basically, auditioning for a new sub. Right? That's all this movie is about, right? A dom looking for a replacement sub? Cuz he "accidentally" killed the last one? (FORESHADOWING?!) (R.I.P. Shawn Casey) 

Andrew's little audition doesn't get him into the band right away. Schillinger is playing mind games, I guess? Because I figured he liked Andrew's playing at the very beginning, but, like, didn't want to give him any confidence by immediately accepting him? Idk, or maybe he did actually need to see him play again in class? CAN WE TALK ABOUT WHEN that faceless black dude was talking shit about Andrew right in front of him to that douchey ginger? He's like, "Man, I'm glad you're back - Neimann was killing us on drums!" BUT LIKE. REMEMBER WHEN HE PLAYED AND IT WAS TRASH?! I'm screaming that he had the audacity to be talking about someone else lol. Typical negro in a blue polo who's seriously in band. Also lol @ O'Connelly or whatever his name is being like ~popular~ and good with the ladies. He has RED HAIR. It wasn't even subtle, that shit looked like dried ketchup pleeeeeeeaassseee.

Anyway, I was really pumped when Fletcher chose Andrew to be in his band over the ginger. And I loved how the ginger thought Fletcher had chosen him but Fletchy was all "lol no sit down - the other one". I'm annoyed with how immediately I was clapping and excited concerning Fletcher's approval and validation of Andrew. Like, why was I so instantly into this creepy daddy son sub/dom roleplay dynamic he was trying to set up with him? Idk, man, I have a lot of problems, ngl :')

Rq, let's discuss how ol' penis stump lookin' ass head would never be hurling insults or raising his voice at any niggas lol. Well, would any niggas be in band? Some. And, sigh, I guess those types of niggas would be the type Fletcher could yell at, so, sigh, never mind. But when Fletcher was yelling at that fat dude, talking about "what are you looking at on the floor? There aint a Mars bar down there - witcho fat ass!" I was like "lol who is he talking to??!" Like, I would roast the shit outta Fletcher are you kidding me?! Any nigga, or even an individual of the cholo variety, would've just started roasting the shit outta that nigga's dome - like. Nah, but then I remember how band types are just a different, fucked-up, trash baby species entirely. But come on, that nigga cried. lol, no bald nigga is ever making me cry but okay. And please note that there were def blackies in the studio, whom we never saw Schillinger come for jus sayin' lol 

WAIT WAIT But how come the dude who was actually fucking up in the trombones or tuba section or whatever didn't get kicked out, but the fatty did?? What?? Fletcher's like, "He didn't know he was out of tune, and that's just as bad." UM, I GUESS? But what's also just as bad?? That dude who was actually out of time, sitting there all smug and shit, still being out of time! The fuck?! 

CAN WE TALK ABOUT WHEN FLETCHER INTRODUCED ANDREW TO THE CREW AND WAS ALL LIKE "ISN'T HE CUTE??"?! YES, HE IS. And...I swear to god, I shipped them very hard. I have so many mental problems, obviously, but I think they'd make...a horrible couple, and those are my fave :) Life is terrible! :')

OKAY LET'S ALSO TALK ABOUT Fletcher being fake. as. hell. I don't get...how Andrew couldn't see this?? FIRST...first...can we...like...that whole scene with Fletcher having Andrew essentially pinned up against the fucking wall and asking probing questions about his parents and childhood and shit, like, jesus. It was sexy and horrifying and I wanted to go get an adult. But I'm really annoyed Andrew was too stupid to see what he was doing. Or...in real life...would it be more difficult to see something like this? Like, I'm watching this at home on TV being like, "Wake up, dummy!" cuz I have that advantage of seeing the situation from the outside...but, idk, I feel like Fletcher's reputation precedes him, and I don't get why Andrew would think he was trying to be warm and inviting and get all buddy buddy with him. But I was very happy when they went back into the rehearsal room and Fletcher went right into brutally criticizing Andrew's performance, throwing back at him the shit he told Fletcher about his mom leaving and his dad being a failed writer. "No wonder mommy left you!" Shit like that. Like, wow, what a horrible fucking monster beautiful butterfly angel mcqueen. 

Okay rq let me briefly gloss over Nicole lol. Their first date scene was very cute and real-ish. Also, it was super-awkward and made me want to die while watching. I knew immediately they wouldn't work out when Nicole said she hadn't decided on her major and Andrew was all "lol what?". Like, he's been drumming since forever and this ho just skips over from Arizona like "lol Fordham, I guess??" lol, no seriously, who goes to Fordham with no plan? Like, you applied to a pretty great school with no idea what you're gonna do there? You came all the way over from Arizona on some *shrug* shit?! I mean, no judging, but, come on. But I don't want to be #TeamAndrew, because he was hella rude for being like, "lol we won't work out cuz I'm better than you and you'll get in the way of my dreams, you aimless, no future having, Aéropastle flats wearing bitch. :)". Like, why did he even bother asking her out? Honestly, I think it had more to do with the high he felt when Schillinger asked him to be a part of his studio. He was just, like, super-confident and full of adrenaline I guess and was all "I'm gonna ask out that cute girl at the movie theater!", not even thinking about what having a girlfriend would mean for him. I feel bad for Nicole, but not really. Like, Andrew would've been a terrible boyfriend with calloused hands from a sort of not cool way to get calloused hands. Like drumming is cool, but is the drumming Andrew does cool idkidk like...it's jazz. Jazz. Nicole is better off. 

Let's discuss that dinner scene! So I felt bad for Andrew that no one cared about his drum-playing. People throw so much shade at the arts and it's annoying. But I'm biased, coming from a place of hating sports. Like, the woman is bragging about her sons being on the football team which EYEROLL NO ONE CARES SHARON. And then she tossed Andrew a little bone like, "oh, and Andrew's little drum playing". Whatttt aaa cunnnnntt. I loved how Andrew got annoyed and shut that dude down who was on like a third tier football team, whatever that means, but I'm sure it means mediocre. That ironic T.I. song was about you, third tier. I love fights and cut-downs at a dinner table. It may/may not be my fave thing in movies/television/plays. It's just so wonderful to watch a scene of family-types bitching each other down over a dry ass meal of usually turkey-something. Maybe there are peas. And they're like perfect-looking peas. What I didn't like about this scene was Andrew's daddy coming for him?? Like when Andrew said that thing about "four words you'll never hear from the NFL" or something, didn't Paul Reiser's face have the audacity to say some shit like, "Or you from Lincoln Center?"???? I was like "um, gasp", like. You betrayer! Who comes for their own son in front of company? And it was like super-rude! What if Andrew said some shit like that to you about your failed ebook writing career, huh?? Lol, knowing Andrew, he probably has. Moving on! 

Okay so I was very proud of Andrew when he inadvertently was made a main player due to him losing that book of compositions. 1. I hated Tanner and wanted him to die. Andrew taking his spot was the next best thing. And ugh how shrivelly of him to be like "I gave the book to Andrew but he lost it!!" Of course Fletcher would be like "lol but it was ur responsibility." And then it got even better when he revealed he didn't know the play by heart, because of his"memory". Lol, isn't memory like a crucial thing for musicians or nah?? Andrew was all "I know it". Yes, baby, yes!! Sorry I just called you baby, but yessss! I felt so happy and pleased and was just so ready in my soul for him to finally shine :') And then they get back to rehearsal and Tanner is sitting at the drums but Fletcher is all "no time for replacements today! Get out of here [probably insult about him being a blowjob queen]!!!" I just felt...so cleansed by Andrew succeeding and stepping on the heads of his opponents. Of course I'm a dummy and not preparing myself for Fletcher to pull some shit like "lol guess what, Andrew?? I'm gonna bring in the ginger to play, just to fuck with you! But I'll pretend it's cuz I don't know yet who I want to be main player on the drums! Don't ever get cocky or comfortable around here again :')" I hate Fletcher so. much. 

Rq let's talk about the ~death~ of Shawn Casey. So we've already established that Fletcher is a fake ho. And when he was talking about Shawn to the class, I assumed Shawn had committed suicide. But...Fletcher says he got in a car accident. WHAT A SOCIOPATH. Because as we find out later, Shawn had killed himself, and lowkey highkey, it was Schillinger's fucking fault for acting like he'd been cast as that head sergeant nigga in Full Metal Jacket, instead of as a teacher at a fucking music school. So after Fletcher does his little weepy act about Shawn, he resumes rehearsal, but right away the drums section is not his tempo. BATTLE-OFF BETWEEN ANDREW, KETCHUP HEAD, AND THE GAY ONE. Like, we know Andrew is gonna win, but this shit was still thrilling. And hard to fucking watch, yeah? I really loved Miles' strenuous-looking ass performance on the drums. He made it look like that shit hurt, and he was gunning for his fucking life. That really amped up the action and drama for me. Like, I felt his pain. He was giving me five days straight constipation pain while trying to strain out just one little turd nuglet faces, and I was living. Like, he was really delivering in that arena. 

I felt like I had five days worth of backlogged shit expelled from my ass all at once when Fletcher decided he won. I was like yes, but also really tired and only happy in a bittersweet way. Like, this was just the fucking audition. AND OF COURSE! Some shit happens that makes Andrew late for their performance and Fletcher's like "no, too late, O'Connelly on drums." I wanted to cry this was honestly devastating to me. Andrew's all "That's my fucking part!" I felt so happy that he was getting buck with Fletch. Fletcher was all *clutching pearls* Um, excuse me, whom are you referring to?? Andrew's yelling at him to give him five minutes so he can go get his sticks, and that he's playing that part. And I'm sitting here screaming at the television "YOU LEFT THAT SHIT AT THE CAR RENTAL PLACE YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT!!" This was...these were the most thrilling moments of my very sad life.

YO, WHEN ANDREW GOT HIT BY THAT CAR. What the fuck is this movie? WAIT, WAS IT A TRUCK HE GOT HIT BY??! idk, but I can't believe this movie happened and exists. And omg when he got out the car I started screaming for him to get his sticks and run to the performance area place lol. I HONESTLY thought he was going to pull some triumphant performance. Instead he gets there with blood all over his head and everyone's like "Neimann, wtf?" and he proceeds to play exactly like a nigga who has just been in a car accident. Sigh, I guess I should be happy they didn't pull some ~*~Hollywood magic~*~ bullshit, having this nigga give the performance of his life while suffering from brain contusions and shit. Fletcher comes over like, "You're done, Neimann." PLEASE. Andrew just fucking lunges for him. It took me too long to accept that it really was over for him. I'm like lol he'll probably get a talking to from the dean :') Nah, he got kicked out :')

So, Andrew's out of Shaffer, working at some fucking deli shop. Some lawyer bitch pops up like "lol Shawn Casey's family is bringing a lawsuit - they want to stop Schillinger from doing this to anyone ever again." At first Andrew's like "nah, Fletcher didn't do anything" and I really thought he'd stick to defending him. But his dad is like "You're kicked out, it's over, why are you protecting him?" Idk, I feel like if I was Andrew I wouldn't say anything? But I guess I'm not thinking about how it's really bullying and he totally caused the death of another person?? Lol idk, I'm very in the callous school of "get over it", especially since these are adults with their own agency, but fine. They don't show Andrew actually consenting to testifying, but I figured it didn't matter if he did, I just needed some hint that Fletcher would find out he was involved in this lawsuit in any way. AND OF COURSE! Andrew goes to see this dude perform in some bar. Fletcher spots Andrew, but Andrew tries to sneak out. But Fletcher catches up with him because he has plans to get. in. that. ass. They sit to have a nice chat and I pretty much figured Fletcher knew about the lawsuit and Andrew's involvement. They talk about Fletcher's teaching methods and Andrew is like "Don't you think maybe you go too far sometimes" and Fletcher is all "I just want to push people. There are no two words in the English language more harmful than 'good job'." That...can't be true. "Shoot him"...I think would cause more harm? "Kill her". Are these not working for you, Fletch? What about "You're bald"????? #antiexposedscalpblog

Should I talk about that horrible story Fletcher is always telling about Charlie Parker? I forget who he says threw a cymbal or whatever at his head, but yeah, some nigga threw some shit at his head, which is apparently how Charlie Parker became Charlie Parker, which is why Fletcher throws chairs at people, but hmmm, no Charlie for Fletcher. Maybe he's throwing the wrong shit. I actually feel like Andrew is Fletcher's Charlie, right? But I can't tell if he secretly thinks this the whole time, or doesn't realize til the end?? Speaking of that mess, Fletcher asks Andrew to play with his band. He has his own show somewhere? Idk, some shit. But Andrew is excited he gets to play again, which he stopped doing when he got kicked out of school. I'M DUMB FOR NOT SEEING THAT FLETCHER WOULD PULL SOME SHIT. But wow it doesn't make sense he'd ruin his own performance just to destroy Andrew. It looks bad on him if people on his crew play badly, oui??? Like, he's the conductor. I was just...flabbergasted at the lengths he'd go to fuck someone up. Is it even about the music at that point lol like u are totally and completely off your fucking shit. 

I LOVED that moment when Fletcher came out like "You think I'm stupid?". Gut drop for Andrew. But even better, I loved when Andrew recovered. That shit was glorious. His mouthed "fuck you" - I've never felt so alive!! And at first, Schillinger was pissed, but then he got fucking into it. Andrew is like "I'll cue you in!" and Fletcher is just nodding and taking his daddy's orders and suddenly the sub dom tables have turned! Andrew is on top, pounding away! And again, I shipped them. They'd make a really cute, horrifying, super-terrible couple. This is a romantic comedy. That is how I saw this film. What is entirely my fucking damage, hmmm?

Never forget Paul Reiser's face watching Andrew going hard on those drums at the end. Never forget Paul Reiser was in this movie. Never forget he was a star at one point. Like, famous. Probably there were tabloid stories about an on-set ugh romancughe with ugh him and ugh Helen ugh Hunt on ugh Mad ugh About ugh Yughoughu.