No Good Deed (2014)

Is this movie's title sort of an unintelligible warning? Like someone who's just learning English letting you know they're a fan of Ayn Rand? No Good Deed. Don't do good deeds? Don't be altruistic - let natural selection take care of the weak and helpless. Also, if you help someone, they'll prob end up hitting your slutty best friend in the face with a shovel :')

This movie is dumb. Okay, so, first off lol, I don't like how obvious Colin was. Oh, he's a sociopath and malignant narcissist. Okay, why are sociopaths in movies always played, like, not how sociopaths are described in text? Like, why in movies can you right away peg characters as ~sociopaths~ when I feel like that's not at all how it works in real-life? Sociopaths are supposed to be lowkey with their antisocial attitudes. I always thought the big difference between sociopaths and psychopaths was that socios were self-aware. And that, to me, means they have better control hiding their badness, whereas psychopaths have no control of their crazy showing. I feel like all the time in movies I'm seeing psychopaths. Do movie people even know what a sociopath is? An okayish example might be Hannibal Lecter? But 1. not even sure he's a socio, and 2. see point 1. Pretty sure he's not even meant to be a sociopath, as he's very obvious with his crazy, but not as obvious as literally every other crazy committed to film/TV, so, unfortunately, he is the best example. 

I don't like how in the movie when Colin goes before the parole board he's all obviously fake like "Yes, I've reformed, I started an education program in prison :) I'm a changed man :) Give me a second chance :')". Um, no, you're a murderer - sit down. And that's exactly what one of the niggas on the parole board says. It seems Colin's little act was winning over most of the board, but that 1 nigga spoke up like "Nah, fam, fall back. You killed a guy. Colin is a malignant narcissist with a history of violence. Also, I think he killed a bunch of hoes? Like, besides the 1 nigga he killed that he's already in jail for? In addition to that 1 murder, I think he did a bunch of other ones? lol, we not lettin' this nigga go." Boom, roasted, Colin.

WHAT I HATED was Colin getting so visibly upset as the dude was talking. If you're such a sociopath, you would hide your rage. The dude compares Colin to Dahmer, but...I don't remember Dahmer being a spaz or ever really reacting to people calling him a monster and all that shit, right? Dahmer would be a nice example of a sociopath, or Ted Bundy maybe? But def not some nigga two seconds away from going into a flying rage that they have to yell at to sit down. You're not a sociopath, you're, like, Chris Brown. And malignant narcissist? Yeah, okay, you can have that. 

So on the ride back to the prison, Colin ends up murdering the guards meant to escort him, cuz duh. This part was d u m b. Why didn't the black guard with the gun just shoot Colin? lol, did he think they were buddies? What a dummy, of course this HOMICIDAL ASS PIECE OF DICK was gonna kill you - helllllloooo!! So stupid, he deserved to die. 

I think we flash to Taraji/Terry after this? I think. She's at home with her kids trying to call up and find out where her husband is. I assumed he'd turn up dead or something and that's how she'd end up alone, being terrorized by Colin. But nah, this nigga named Jeffrey eventually comes through with a very suspicious-ass hairline, and an attitude problem. You can tell right away he's no good, and Terry deserves better. I got hella suspicious of the friend because she was all "Jeffrey doesn't appreciate you, Terry!". And then later he's sort of eyeing her - for sure I thought they were fucking and, um, I'm mad it didn't turn out like that. lol, why tho? I love call-outs. Is it cuz this was written by a woman that it turned out Meg wasn't fucking Jeffrey? Look, feminism is my fave. But more than that, my fave is people being called out on scandalous shit in movies. You think it was satisfying enough to see Terry punch Jeffrey at the end? NO. I don't give a fuck about that nigga! He absent for the whole movie and you lowkey got him as the real villain? Stop. 

So, whatever lol, before all that goes down, Terry is bitching to Jeffrey for not being there enough? His response is that it's his dad's birthday. 100%, this nigga Jeffrey said, in a completely serious tone at one point in the film, as if he were going out to stop 9/11 from happening, "It's my dad's birthday, Terry." He's taking this nigga golfing! lol, please. Which, btw, is weird, because...isn't a storm coming? Hmm. lol, he was being suspicious as fuck and wasn't even trying to hide it. Like he's packing improperly for the weather and Terry comments on it and he's like "lol it's only a two hour drive!" Okay. 

So we go back to Colin and he's stalking his "girlfriend" wearing an incognito on-the-run disguise that includes: a hat. Is this a Lifetime movie, but slightly better because no Canadian actors pretending to be American? (Look, I can fucking tell the difference - stop.) This "girlfriend" of Colin's is the girl he killed for, which landed him in the ol' priz. Apparently, some nigga was lookin' at her, so Colin killed the dude. Romantic. Colin shows up to this bitch's house and she's like oh, fuck, this nigga. It's stated for us that, after Colin was incarcerated, the girlfriend moved away, and never visited him in prison. But Colin is all ~~I understand~~. Lol, of course you do, nigga, tf. Then he's all let's get fake passports and run away and get married~! She's shitting in her pants, cuz this nigga is 1. an escaped convict, 2. supposed to be in prison, 3. intruding in her home, 4. wearing a jean jacket. Colin is all "Do you still love me?" and her scared ass is all "Yes".  Yep! Please don't kill me haha! Except he does anyway? That whole proposal was completely fake? He found some letter on her bed from her new nigga, which leads to a confrontation, which leads to the chick yelling how she fucks her new nigga in her bed every night and he never wears jean jackets. That thing happens to Colin where he goes into Chris Brown blackout rage, and he beats his ol' girl to death with a lamp? Um, okay, what is with the aggressive violence against women in this movie even though...the movie has sort of a feminist bent? Sort of and bent is correct. Like. Did he seriously choke her and then slam a lamp repeatedly into her skull? It's pretty disrespectful, ngl. 

So! Back to Terry! She's at home preparing dinner with her daughter when there's a knock or ring at the door or whatever sigh kill me. She opens the door and Colin is on the porch standing with his back to the door...sigh. Who even answers the door? Oh, maybe she thought it was her friend? lol, still, when she sees it's some strange ass dude she should've immediately closed the door shut. Instead she calls out to him? LOL WHO WOULD DO THIS? Idk, I'm anti-social as fuck, so maybe some not sewer rat type ass individuals know how to act, and how-to-act is answering the door when someone knocks on it. And then if that person's back is to the door when you open it, you, natch, call out to them. Okay well you social butterflies have fun having your faces hacked into pieces :') Sounds fun :') 

Colin is all "Owie! I got in a car accident. Do you think I could use your phone?" SOLID. NO. "I don't have a phone. Just like, apparently, in 2013 or whenever this movie was made, neither do you :) Bye!!" Except Terry doesn't say any of that? For some reason? She definitely looks skeptical of him, but eventually relents to let him use the phone, which I think was because he looks like Idris Elba. I mean, she makes him stay outside in the porch in the rain, which was good, and rude lol, but...she slips up far too soon in the game for my liking, for her initial reservations to mean anything. 

Colin pretends to call a tow truck company, and Terry is dumb and is like "Tell them to pick you up here!" Okay, girl. Fast-forward to Terry lettin' this nigga all up in her house, and for two seconds it's the cover of a Zane novel when Terry is bandaging Colin's head. Or maybe when he undresses? Or maybe when they ~take a shower~ together? lol please at this movie PLEASE. 

So blah blah Terry and Colin are hanging out and talking while Colin ~waits for the tow truck~. I'm confused. Colin says he lives "down on River road". Is that far away? Why...doesn't he walk over there? If your home is nearby...I don't understand why you wouldn't just go there and phone for towing. Even if it's like miles... Like, I get it was raining, but I would have fucking just walked home, and I feel like a lot of people would expect that you'd do the same, no? Like if some nigga came to my door and was like "lol my car broke down, but I live around here tho ;)", I'd be like lol well...have a nice walk ;) And that's it. And maybe that was Jesus who came to my door and I turned him away. But you know what? Fuck Jesus. 

So Meg comes over with her slutty single gal routine and I'm immediately wondering what sociopath and malignant narcissist Colin is going to do to get rid of her. His plan is to make Meg think he and Terry are having some sort of affair. While also sort of flirting with her? He was clearly in over his head in this situation. Remember when Meg asked where he lived on River Road and he was all "lol are you going to stalk me?" and I'm pretty sure this bitch said "maybe", but then got super-serious like, "No, but seriously, what fucking house do you live in?" Was the address he gave the address of the ex-gf he killed? If so, why was he being hesitant about giving it out if--oh, I guess...Meg said she knew everyone who lived on that street...so prob...sigh, idk, fast-forward to this ho getting slammed in the face with a shovel. 

Whyyyyy...did she...follow Colin out to the garage when he went to go ~take a smoke~? Why was she so randy? It was like a caricature of a horny bitch, but okay. And what did she think she was going to do with him out there...at her friend's house? Like Terry went upstairs to attend to her baby for two seconds, chiiiiilll. Anyway, they don't fuck because Colin heavily implies he's Terry's mistress, to which Meg responds that she doesn't believe him. She and Terry are besties, Terry tells her everything; Meg thinks his story is bullshit. Then she tries to go alert Terry about this suspicious nigga, which is how she gets that shovel slammed in her face. Bitch body count: dos. 

So almost immediately after Colin kills Meg, his true nature is revealed to Terry. I really thought they were going to drag out...Terry discovering the truth about him. Like, having this too-long sequence of her being like "lol where is Meg?". But, no, she immediately realizes Colin is responsible for her disappearance and then things turn up. Tbh, I would have preferred a slow realization from Terry about what's happening/who Colin really is, as I think that's creepier. Like...a movie where a woman invites a deranged stranger into her home and he slowly unravels little horrible pieces about himself...just seems more interesting. But this...is not that type of film. This is schlock with a slightly intriguing pro-woman slant - sort of. 

So, whatever, Colin shuts off all the lights...I guess to make sure Terry gets the point that he's a scary murder man. Like, she comprehends. You cut the phone lines. You said Meg left but her stuff is still obviously there - Terry understands, okay? Soon after this, Terry finds Colin in her daughter's room, like picking her up and shit. Terry is all, "Ayo, put her down", and at this point I'm wondering how the rest of this movie will unfold. I wonder this several times during my viewing. For sure, the premise is thin, and stretched to fill time. Like, you can tell this whole story in five minutes, so it's padded with a lot of bullshit and stalling. 

It takes them a minute to leave the daughter's room because Colin gives her a necklace and Terry is repeatedly telling him to take it back. They they leave the daughter's room and I think Colin takes Terry in to shower with him? And here I was like lol okay what is the point of this? I was almost certain it was meant to sexualize Colin and display his body, which happened some other times in the movie as I've mentioned, and I see...what they're doing...however, it felt awkward. Why make the ~bad guy~ sexxxy? I don't want to watch a serial murderer soap his pecs up in the shower? lol what is... The threat of him maybe raping Terry was there...and alright, but I knew he was never going to do that, so...why even bother with this? And what was that bit about Terry pleading for him not to violate her and Colin is all "don't flatter yourself" and Terry gets pissed off and is like "fuck you"??? Who....is offended that somebody doesn't want to rape them? Enough @ this movie.

After Terry scoffs at Colin not sodomizing her, she winds up hitting him in the head with like a candlestick or something, and fleeing. Wait - what came first: her hitting him with that fire extinguisher, or the candlestick thing? Idk, both times he ends up getting her back in his grasp. Also there's a point when Terry stabs him. None...none of these things really deter him. Terry is able to phone the police, so Colin tells her to get the kids - they're leaving. On the way out, Terry glimpses Meg's corpse, and for no reason at all, this is super-hilarious. 

So they're driving blah blah. They pass a bunch of cop cars who are on the road inspecting the car crash Colin was involved in before he turned up at Terry's. Colin is all "Don't even think about it" or whatever, to Terry. Okay, but what would he have done had she just swerved over there? I feel like...he's injured...it'd be difficult for him to react quickly...i.e.: grabbing her as she tries to get out--oh, no, I'm forgetting the gun. Ah, there you go! u g h. So, not too soon after this, they run into another cop car. Terry ~surreptitiously~ flashes her headlights at him. He pulls them over. Colin grabs Terry's baby as incentive for her not to fuck up. The officer asks Terry to get out of the car. He walks her away from the car and asks her if she has anything she wants to tell him. Now, at this point, I just get confused, because Terry makes up some lie about how she's having an affair with Colin while her husband is out of town. I...don't understand why she didn't just tell the officer what was going on. They were quite a ways away from the car. If she was afraid of Colin hearing, she could have whispered or mouthed it? I...? Like, eventually she sort of tells him, but she takes so long getting to it that Colin eventually catches on that something's going on, gets out the car, and shoots the cop. She got this cop involved for no reason lol. Now, would this cop have lived had Terry gotten to the point a little quicker? Idk, but let's say yes, so she feels awkward, and responsible for his death, which she a little bit is :')

So after the pig is killed, they drive to some house. It's the house of Colin's ex-girlfriend that he killed earlier *drake voice* remember? Her corpse is just lying there on the floor of the bedroom? Terry is like D: Colin makes her get him some first aid kit shit for his stab wound. Terry's car alarm goes off, callback to earlier in the film! ...when...when that happened earlier. Colin obviously doesn't want attention drawn to the situation, so he gets panicky about going out there to turn the alarm off. He doesn't want to leave Terry unguarded in the house, but settles for tying up her arms and legs. I'm just like *eyeroll*. Like, she's obviously getting out of those ties, but okay. And like as soon as Colin leaves, she does. A phone is ringing and Terry unties herself to answer it -_- The phone belongs to Colin's dead ex. Terry answers and guess who's on the other end? Did you guess?! It's fucking Jeffrey! He's calling Colin's dead ex like "lol ho where u at??" I...am so annoyed I didn't see this little "twist" coming. I was too busy focused on the other "twist" that I completely made up about Jeffrey and Meg fucking on the low that turned out to not even be happening. S I G H

So fast-forward to Terry shooting Colin out of a window because I'm tired and want to go home. Then the cops arrive to the scene of the crime blah blah and then Jeffrey arrives and the cops try to stop him from entering the crime scene and he's all "But that's my wife!" lol. This entire movie is your fault, my brother. Terry agrees and punches him. Fast-forward to the ending. Terry is moving into a new place with her kids and she has a new lawyer job. She takes a framed photograph of her and Meg out of one of the moving boxes and looks at it like "Ultimately, it's Jeffrey's insecure hairline's fault that you are deceased :')". She puts the photo back. Her babysitter comes out the house with her kid in the stroller. Terry asks her if she's taking the baby to the park, then says she'll walk with them over there on the way to the courthouse. The funniest thing I have ever seen in my life is the sorry excuse for a "park" the babysitter is taking the baby to. It's like a swing and some little ass grass. I'm screaming. This is all Jeffrey's fault.