I thought this movie was going to be trash, but it actually turned out to be pretty good...I think. I can't tell if I think it's good because it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be...or if it was genuinely good. Mmmm...there was a lot of awkward acting and a ton of clichés and tropes. Vanessa fucking Hudgens carries the movie??? QQ: Do I like Vanessa Hudgens? Idk. Maybe??? Like, lowkey she ended up being my fave thing in Spring Breakers. lol no, my third fave: after Alien, and that "Everytime" sequence, but still, I liked her in that. Remember when all Vanessa Hudgens was was that whack friend Tracy was kickin' it with before she met Evie???? And then she was in High School Musical and I was like "lol" @ everything she was involved with in that period and hitherto??? Nah, but Spring Breakers sort of changed all that. Actually, Gimme Shelter did?? Like Spring Breakers made me go "huh..." and then I watched this and sort of was into her and now I may/may not be looking forward to any future projects she may be involved with????? Only if they're indies, tho! I refuse a ~*~mainstream~*~ slightly-Hispanic Megan Fox-ish career for V Hudg. No thanx. Keep this vaguely latina in the low budgets arena, she's doing slightly surprising work.
HOWEVER, HER ACCENT. What was her accent? V Hudg is playing some teenage runaway homeless bitch named Agnes aka Apple. Real quick: I had no idea this movie was based on a true story until the end of the film when they were showing the real life people pictures. And I loled because it seemed like all the real life people were white...but they were played by like all ethnic-types in the film. That filled me with joy. Or maybe real-life Apple was a sort of white-passing Latina such as V Hudg herself, but the pic of that real-life priest was definitely a white person but lol he was played by James Earl Jones in the film. Wait - has James Earl Jones been lowkey white this entire time and I'm only now realizing it? You know what I am also only now realizing? James Earl Jones is still fucking alive.
So V Hudg plays some teenage runaway homeless bitch named Agnes aka Apple. I honestly prefer the name Agnes, because old racist people names are my fave, but Agnes prefers to go by "Apple", which is the name of, like, Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter. And, like, a fruit. If I had to be named after a fruit, I'd choose Tangerine, because it sounds prostitutey. Like, a hooker from the eighties just blatantly walking around with AIDS lesions all over her forehead and shit. That is my desired aesthetic. So anyway! Vanessa Hudgens plays some teenage runaway homeless bitch named Apple! Her mom is Rosario Dawson, and she looks a fucking fool.
Look.
Why does she look like Meryl Streep in the trailers for Into the Woods?? I only saw the trailers. Because why would I...why would I watch that actual whole movie hmmm?? Why are her teeth...like gold-colored?? Or like...kidney disease piss colored? That shit is odious as fuck. If you can't tell, because why would you, Rosario is a DRUG ADDICT. Is this what drug addicts look like? First off, her makeup game is suspiciously on-point for a sloppy ass drug addict. Like, her eyes and lips match, and the lipstick is applied perfectly??? Also, despite the vaguely disheveled hair and straight-up jaundice-plated teeth, she still looks really pretty??? I mean, if you're going to hire some bitch to play a drug addict, go for an actor bitch who already sort of looks like one. A Lindsay Lohan, perhaps? What is she doing? Add some chola brows on that bitch and she can play a vaguely-Latina's mom any day! WHY DO PEOPLE REFUSE TO CAST LINDSAY LOHAN WHEN SHE IS 100% PERFECT FOR A ROLE, HMMM? Or you could have drudged up Courtney Love's erratic ass. Or? Is it because they're actual drug addict-y types that they can't be hired? Due to liabilities, etc? Also, why did I just name two white people when they were clearly going for some diversity gold stars here? idk. Marc Anthony?? sigh, I'm tired. Why am I trying to fix a movie that I mostly liked? And Rosario was good, right? As the mom? She was a fucking monster and I lived. But I wonder if it was over the top? lol. Sort of in that Precious vein of..."but does this really happen???" LIKE. SHE SHOWS UP LATER IN THE FILM WITH A RAZOR IN HER TEETH TO CUT APPLE ON THE CHEEK. Mother of the year??? It was really extra.
So anyway! Vanessa Hudgens plays some teenage runaway homeless bitch named Apple! Her mom is Rosario Dawson! Rosario is a drug addict! Apple has to leave Rosario because she's a drug addict!! Apple goes to her dad's house. Her dad is Brendan Fraser -_-
Look at him. Lowkey, I was into this look. But yo, remember when Brendan Fraser was like, super hot? So hot I used to get him confused with one of the London brothers. I thought they were London triplets haha! Remember when the London brothers?? Remember???
Brendan is like rich and white and livin' it up. Apple and her vaguely latina poor homeless bitch dinginess shows up unannounced and cramps his style. Well, at least his wife's style, who is soooo not into Apple being there. Also, was the wife Latina as well? I thought I detected an accent, but she looked white as shit. I mean, the flipped unhinged soccer mom hair and everything. I think it makes it worse if she was also Latina, and going so hard against Apple. Like, she abandoned that bitch at the abortion clinic. First, she's a kid, so no. Don't do that. And also, where's the Hispanic bitches solidarity? It was so...off-putting to me that she was immediately like "I want her out of here!" @ Apple. Again, she's a kid, she has no one, Brendan is her dad - what are you talking about? But I guess it was realistic? It made me mad, though, because I just wasn't in the mood to watch Apple have to leave their home and go live on the streets, which is exactly what happened sigh.
Remember when Apple was in the hospital room eating, and
she heard flushing sounds??????
???????
She was like "????????" and then James Earl Jones came out the bathroom and she was all *eyeroll* "You're still here?" and in that moment, I swear they were infinite. Or, like, I knew James E was going to become Apple's guardian angel. He ended up becoming one of many, and thank god this movie turned out to be sort of uplifting instead of the non-stop depressionthon I fucking thought it was going to be. Like, thank god he ended up getting Apple in touch with some bitch who runs a shelter for domestic violence victims. And of course Apple gets there and starts settling in and a problem arises because it's discovered her mother won't sign her over to the shelter. And I'm like "SIGH" but then thank god again, because Rosario shows up acting a fool, and this enables the head shelter bitch to be able to legally keep Apple and I'm just like praise allah. This was one of the few times I was glad I wasn't watching a foreign film. Like, usually I love that foreign films go really hard. They'll just sit up here and be relentless as fuck for no reason and I get my life. But here, I just really wanted Apple to prosper and thrive and for her and her baby to be okay and for her to not ever be abused again.
Like why was I SO. HAPPY. when she tried on that coat? I think maybe I teared up???? She was trying on some natty old hand me down fucking down jacket and I was really getting into my feelings. She like snuggled into it and shit? Snuggled into my heart, you mean? NO, HONESTLY, WAS V HUDG LIKE LEGIT GOOD IN THIS, OR NAH? But her accent, tho??? What was that accent? Vaguely Hispanic meets vague Eastern US Urban City? Like, um, okay???? I mean, you tried????
LIKE
REMEMBER WHEN SHE HAD HER BABY???? KILLLLLL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. No, V Hudg definitely had me in my feelings the entire movie. I honestly don't want to be a fan, it just happened sigh. I'm a fan now siiiiiiigh.
Omg, remember when all the girls were sitting around talking about the race of their babies' daddies and Apple was all "My baby's father is black" and that black girl mocked her like "My baby's father". lol Apple, you urban street hood faker.
REMEMBER WHEN BRENDAN FRASER AND HIS MAYBE LATINA WIFE SHOWED UP AFTER APPLE HAD HER BEBE AND WERE ALL COOING OVER IT AND SHIT AND BRENDAN HAD THE AUDACITY TO BE CRADLING THE BABY LIKE "I NEVER GOT TO DO THIS WITH YOU"??? I HATED THAT SCENE. THEY ARE SUCH FAKE HOES OMG. NOT A FEW MONTHS AGO THEY WAS TRYNA ABORT LIL' APPLE AND NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN THEY GOOGLY EYEING OVER IT AND SHIT. I WOULD NEVER LET EITHER OF THEM BITCHES HANDLE MY BABY THEY TRIED TO FLUSH DOWN THE SEWERS - FUCK OUTTA HERE. AND BRENDAN! YOU "NEVER GOT TO DO THIS" WITH APPLE BECAUSE YOU DECIDED TO GO TO COLLEGE INSTEAD OF BEING IN HER LIFE, AND LEFT HER TO SOME FUCKING STRUNG-OUT DEMON BITCH WHO CLEARLY HAS NEVER BEEN INFORMED OF THE EXISTENCE OF CREST WHITESTRIPS. SO PLEASE WITH ALL OF THAT!!
BUT THAT NURSERY THEY GAVE HER, THO! Way to make up for trying to kill her fucking baby :')
REMEMBER WHEN BRENDAN'S FAKE ASS SON WAS PLAYING NICE WITH APPLE AT THAT PARTY THEY THREW HER? BUT REMEMBER HOW EARLIER IN THE FILM HE WAS ALL
??????????????????????? This family is full of fake hoes, and I am here to expose all of them.
REMEMBER WHEN FAKE ASS BRENDAN'S FAKE ASS SON
SEXILY DAPPED WHIPPED CREAM ON BRENDAN'S NOSE AND THEN SEDUCTIVELY SUCKED SOME OFF HIS FINGER?????? AND THEN
WIPED BRENDAN'S NOSE OFF LIKE HE WAS HIS WIFE??? LIKE THE SON WAS THE WIFE AND BRENDAN IS HIS EMBARRASSING SLOPPY HUSBAND? HE GAVE BRENDAN A LOOK LIKE "Get your cavemen ass together - we have guests." WHAT WAS THIS MOMENT IN THE MOVIE?!?!?!
REMEMBER WHEN
APPLE DECIDED NOT TO GO HOME WITH BRENDAN TO THAT BRAND SPANKING NEW NURSERY IN THEIR MANSE??? INSTEAD SHE WAS GOING TO STAY AT THE WOMEN'S SHELTER??? AREN'T WOMEN'S SHELTERS, LIKE, TRANSITIONAL HOMES??? LIKE, YOU CAN'T JUST STAY INDEFINITELY, RIGHT? DON'T OTHER PEOPLE NEED BEDS?? I realize the particular shelter in this movie might be different because it was actually the head of the shelter's home - like, her house. But, still. Isn't the point to get these women back on their feet? Apple has a new home with her fake ass RICH ASS family - why the fuck would she return to the women's home? Like, I get it, okay - she wasn't ready to live with Brendan, the ladies at the shelther felt more like a real familia to her blah blah. But, come on. As rich as those whiteys were, she could've made them feel like her "real" family, real fucking quick. BUT OKAY, WHATEVER YOU SAY, MOVIE, THAT WAS APPARENTLY BASED ON SOME REAL LIFE ACTUAL SHIT THAT HAPPENED WHAT. THE. FUCK.
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