The Five Heartbeats (1991)

I thought this movie was something else. I realized after watching that I had actually been looking for The Temptations. I wanted the sassier Leon movie; instead I made the huge mistake of watching this?? Like, once I realized Michael Wright was the lead singer of the group was when I realized my huge mistake?? lol No, it should've been when I realized Robert Townsend's prints were all over this. I pretty much like Robert Townsend and his shit, but there's no way he's making a cunty musical biopic, which is what I was looking for. Like, this movie is too nice, and hella cheesy? I mean, they had some pretty good ~horrible~ moments, with Big Red showing up to Jimmy's funeral--just Big Red in general, really. Also, killing Jimmy off was pretty extreme? lol okay, but the way he died, though. Did this nigga get skimmed by a fucking garbage truck?? 

Sigh, didn't Robert Townsend make a completely serious version of Blankman? The nigga who made a totally-being-serious version of already sort-of-being-mostly-serious Blankman can not be trusted to bring the juice a faux-biopic about sex, drugs and rocknroll really needs. Like, all this movie had was the drugs?? And only, like, a line of coke that one time lol. This was a fucking after-school special please stop

What I liked: 

-Michael Wright's voice. I guess I forgot that one time they let his crackhead ass sing on Oz? I remember watching Oz and being like: hmm I wonder if this crackhead used to be a singer back in the day? But then immediately not caring because I sort of hated his character on that show super a lot? Like, don't make me feel bad for McManus - he is the worst.

-Leon. Did the casting bitches from Oz watch this movie a lot? lol, chill. Only like two niggas from this shit were on the show. But this movie is totally an Oz reunion fuck whatchu say. Leon and Michael Wright weren't even on at the same time but okay... Also how can you have a reunion for something before it even happens but okaaay. Anyway, I love Leon. He seems like he has a bitchy attitude in real life. And like he wears tired black mom headscarves around set all the time. That is my desired aesthetic. 

-Flash. Idk, this dude is really hot in like a Murray's pomade hair model sort of way. Also, imdb tells me the actor's middle name is Canada? I need more of such nonsense in my life. 

-Diahann Carroll. She's so pretty and I love her. That's it. She should be in more shit. I wonder if Tyler Perry calls her all the time and she's like "lol how did u get this number?" Oh god, her imdb page tells me she was in that movie Peeples. Didn't Titterus Perry produce that? Why have you forsaken me, Diahann?? 

-Big Red/Hawthorne James. 

This nigga is mad scary and looks like he's from New Orleans. Like his people originated from there. Like he's Cajun. Or Creole. I have very offensive, probably not at all true ideas about these types. Lots of ideas about voodoo and witchcraft and shit. Wow, how common of me. I'm gonna go on the actor's imdb page and watch it say he's from Malibu. I'm screaming it doesn't say anything!! This nigga's name is Hawthorne James. If he's not from some creepy deep south ass backwoods, then he is an extraterrestrial. Because's he's not from anywhere else on Earth. Oh, okay...a less lazy, more extensive search tells me he was born in Chicago. No...that...that makes sense. However, I am distraught. 

So, yeah, the cast was pretty legit. It's the movie surrounding them that wasn't totally on-point. Like, it was alright, but definitely not my cup of tea when it comes to these types of films. Maybe I just prefer musical biopics based on actual people? The stakes are higher when it's about real people? Straight-up I just think the writing was cheesy and had Robert & co. done a biopic on Blue Magic or whatever, it'd still be a cheesefest. But...nice try! Ef for effort! UGH!!!