The Intimate Lover (2005)

Um. What was...? This movie was really annoying and I honestly regret watching it. I actually started a bit of it one day and was like "sigh, no" and shut it off and went to watch something less...damaging to my soul. I hate not finishing a movie I start, though. Like so many times I cannot deal, but I always think about the movies I never finish, like they haunt me. Why couldn't I just finish the last horrible forty minutes of Blade Runner, huh? Maybe it got better! I doubt it but maybe! Or that black remix of About Last Night. There's almost NO WAY IN HECK that improved, but tbh, I only gave it like five minutes. Maybe Kevin Hart gets shot in the sixth minute AND I DON'T KNOW BECAUSE I DIDN'T FINISH IT! smh

Idk what it was about The Intimate Lover that made me return the next day like *eyeroll* "fine", but I did! And I wish I hadn't :')!!! And so it goes. 

The movie concerns some ugly-souled individuals named "Girl" and "Boy" SIGHKILLME!! The girl is engaged and to be married soon, to, OF COURSE, some nigga she on even like. I am so tired of watching things with people getting married to someone they don't love/lowkey hate. I can't tell if I am just naive about the world or what but like I just want to stop being confused and ask-yelling at my screen why the flip a person would be getting married to someone THEY DO NOT LIKE! I understand sometimes it's like a financial thing or an arranged marriage shit or whatever, but most of the time when I am watching these stories in media, it aint none of that. It's just a boring bitch getting married to some boring dude, just because! Then some sparkly nigga enter the boring bitch's life and all of a sudden she wanna get bold and decide she don't want Arthur, she want Criss Angel Mindfreak. Whatever lol. 

In this mess, Girl is engaged to some like horrible conservative-type dude who was giving me wife-beater teas. You can tell he a demon cuz he wear glasses. Also, he was like, boxy. He was not sexy like "Boy" and his karate body lol. Girl's fiancé looked thick, like he be eatin' noodles all day and shit. Drinking mad soju. Boy's homeless ass aint got the funds to be eating and drinking like that lol, so he perform karate tricks in the park for money, but cuz he live in Asia, aint no one impressed by that shit; errbody do karate, so he don't make no money. But he stay mad fit though. BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT BOY'S LACK OF FUNDS?!

He was homeless, right? lol it was mad awkward. Why did they highlight his money problems? Where were they going with that? Were we supposed to be like "oh, this prob why Girl don't want him, cuz he poor"? But idk, it seemed pretty obvious she didn't want him...because she would like really love him maybe? And now let's unpack that!! Or let's not, because, tbh, I am--I'm sure it's pretty obvious I'm extremely slow. Just not smart, so I have no complete, clear idea why someone would turn down being with someone they could have a really intense love affair with. I mean, I get it. But also not. Like, I don't have the academic explanation for that. Just for me personally I could understand being like "eh, that sounds exhausting, lemme not". But like, isn't it equally exhausting to be with a dude who is mad boring and wears ugly glasses and makes you want to die??? 

And what was that warm water thing? Boy got Girl some warm water at the restaurant and she was all "You messed up by ordering me some warm water, if you hadn't have done that, we could be together" or something akin to that. And I was like "Bitch, que?". What was him getting her warm water - too considerate? Did this ugly bitch just like being disrespected and non-cared for??? BUT LET'S NOT EVEN ACT LIKE BOY WAS A GOOD BOYFRIEND OPTION BECAUSE REMEMBER WHEN HE RAPED HER????? Oh, are we gonna forget about that? Or is that okay cuz this a k drama and that's just what happens? Lol, deleet this whole shit. Start anew. 

Keep this^, tho. Brotherman was fly. The one thing you did right in this movie and it was lowkey prob an accident. He was just some nigga sittin on the steps when you happened to be filming. Make a whole movie about the mistake you made not giving this random street person any lines, or putting up on the screen where we could get his outfit.

um, no: Orange Is the New Black, Season 4

Okay, no. Just no. If you were going to kill anyone it should have been Piper and I don't know how many times I'm going to have to say this???? And OKAY so you wanted to do a HOT IN THE HEADLINES sort of storyline, yeah? Honestly, that's lazy and gross? I mean I'm a ~writer~ and I do that shit all the time, but bitch I have a shitty blog and write fucking ebooks - you idiots have a whole legitimate TV show? I mean, it's on Netflix...but Netflix is respected now. So what are you doing? 

SO YOU WANTED YOUR SHOW TO MIRROR THE NEWS AND MAKE A COMMENT. Bitch. Please. Just like write your little lesbian prison show and keep it moving. Don't try to fucking like...~make a statement~, especially if the ~statement~ is like racial, and no one in your writers' room is even remotely a little bit tan. And like speaking of that Casper-colored ass writers' room: like...this show is just a mess in terms of commenting on race relations and shit. It was wild to me how they had Big Cindy talking about blacks can be racist. Bitch, where? Blacks are like on the bottom of the totem pole, so no. They can be bigoted, but when like every language has a word for "nigger", I'm gonna need you to be quiet on that racism shit. If anything, they're prob just salty that everyone hates them. Shhhhhh...shhh be quiet!!!!  

And then also didn't they have a white character commenting on fucking Dominicans being actual blacks? Like yes agreed, but it was just gross to me being said through whom it was said through (i think it was one of those nazis????), and then like...are there any Dominicans in the writers' room?? LOL I DOUBT IT!! 

But anyway let me not act brand new. This show has been a mess from day 1, and also it's created by Jenji "the creator of Nancy Botwin" Kohan, so. Like, I know about that bitch. It just...it kind of tipped over the edge for me with them killing Poussey. First of all: that's my bae. Had they killed like Big Cindy or something I lowkey wouldn't have cared as much. I have been bitching since the inception of this mess for them to give Poussey more screen time and more significance with her storylines and I thought this season maybe they would turn up with that. But idk why I thought that, especially when they teased a budding romance with Brook's annoying ass. Like, I should've foreseen they would still be on that bullshit season four. AND THEY WERE!! So yay for consistency.

I was so over Poussey and Brook immediately right away. It was ultra gross. And this was even before Brook was telling Ginger Paula Deen Poussey grew up a crackbaby in the ghetto. Brook is mad annoying?? Like I was feeling bad for her last year, but I immediately went right back to being insanely irritated this season, and honestly, I was glad. I was feeling weird for feeling bad for her last season. Like they really don't want you to like Brook, right? Those are the teas I'm getting. I mean, that whole thing with the sex offender dude? Girl...

Anyway, I hate this show :) Will I still be watching season 5?? UM YES BECAUSE THE FINALE WAS LIT AF!! DAYANARA'S STUPID ASS IS TURNING UP AND I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS!!! ugh i am pathetic. Let me just ignore them killing off my baby stud--WAIT BUT WHAT IS TAYSTEE GOING TO DO I AM SO UPSET. No, I'm ignoring it:) More screen time for Vicky Jeudy:) I swear 2 gawd if they don't give Janae more fucking lines I am going to burn this place to the ground. What place? Bitch idk worry about your life and ur career. Is Joanne the Scammer over yet? Pleez release me:)

Okay let me talk about other things sigh why is this shit all over the place. I wish I could write proper so I could make my own ugly TV show. No, that would be really bad. Like a mix between Seinfeld, Cousin Skeeter, Passions, Moesha, Who's the Boss? and Tim & Eric's Bedtime Stories. Tbh, that sounds kind of lit. Who wants that show raise your hand? 

Kill.

me.

So Crazy Eyes! Over her. Love her, but she's lowkey dead to me at this point. 

1. for killing that little white boy

2. FOR KILLING POUSSEY

She didn't kill either of them you say?? SHUT UP, YOU ARE WRONG. Fuck that little white boy tbh, but she is completely mostly responsible for Poussey's death. Like why won't her stupid ass calm thee fuck down?? Ugh like I don't want to be ugly towards crazies because I'm a crazy and I don't want anyone to be ugly towards me, but...idk. If I set off the sequence of events that ultimately led to my friend getting killed, I would just accept my punishment, whatever that may be. Going to psych, getting lobotomized, whatever. Idk, man. I'm over her. Like, I'm just annoyed at this point. I understand she can't take responsibility but a little bit I feel like she can?? Like if I were Taystee and em I would be done with her ass but okay I guess we gotta keep that ~iconic~ character around. ANYWAY. 

Yo but what is up with Caputo?? For some reason I've been caping for his bald ass, but now I'm over him, too. You're going to bat for that guard? WHY WAS HIS KNEE ALL UP IN POUSSEY'S BACK LIKE THAT?? WHY WAS HE EVEN TACKLING HER TWO POUND ASS TO THE GROUND TO BEGIN WITH??? I get that Poussey was kind of attacking him a small amount (please), but like they kept reiterating: she has the body of Oliver Twist. What is with all this brute force? And how dare you like...keep your knee in her back while fighting off Crazy Eyes man i don't understand how this went down. And then this bitch show wants me to feel sorry for him? BYE!! He's just some typical loser white boy who doesn't have to consider anyone because he's at the top of the food chain. Miss me with them showing him feeling remorse for throwing shit at the prisoners when they were cleaning up by the side of the road. Fucking asshole like pleez. 

I am so over having to see this guard next season, or Caputo's dusty ass. Like he is being mad lame. I kept waiting for him to wake up and get it together but that's obviously not a possibility at this point, so imma need him to kick rocks.

I'm happy my bae Nicky is back. Am I glad she's back on drugs? No. Can this show give me a break? Me. Let me live. Just chill. For one second of your life: stop.

NononononNO to Pennsatucky and her rapist. He is a rapist. Do I feel like Boo needs to chill her ultra-hardcore lesbian feminazi ass down? Yes, but I am also way more completely agreeing with her than I am like "calm down". I feel like if Boo was less hard...maybe Pennsatucky wouldn't be going back into the arms of that dude? Idk, she's a grown woman, she has her own mind and ideas about things, but sigh. She's also really kind of dumb? I don't think being "nice" and "forgiving" has anything to do with rape, do you? Why are those things even part of the equation? AND THEN THEY HAD HIM BEING ALL WEIRD AND RAPEY AGAIN! Jesus, I hope he's actually leaving because I honestly cannot.

And what of those other guards!! I felt physically sick this season wayyy too much lol. Especially concerning those weirdo, gross ass guards. They're vets from the war, yes? Yuck. Especially @ that one who made Maritza eat a mouse. Like...wtf. And I'm mad Caputo got punked when he tried to put that dude on suspension. Just no at everything dealing with these guards. 

But yes to Healy backstory. Please tell me why my loser ass kind of lowkey loves him? He's like mad racist and misogynistic? The backstory...doesn't even help explain lol. But I feel bad for his bitch ass. Also the actor that plays him...lemme go find his name...Michael Harney! Like I love him. He was on Weeds playing kind of an annoying dude but I loved him there, too? Idk I guess I'm into this actor. What is awakening inside of me? Pleez help.

Not here for Maria playing fucking drug kingpin. Like I a little love her and want her to get out of prison so she can go be with her baby girl? But yeah okay so she decided to do this because PIPER'S BITCH ASS got like 3-5 added to her sentence. Is that official? I hope not because omg. But I'm not here for her doing Scarface. She seems cool so it's not gonna be fun to watch her turn into like some crazy mess who won't be useful to her daughter when she gets out and anyway this show is completely fictional what am i doing:')

Anyway remember when this show never existed and I was happy? Lol me neither. Can't wait for seas 5!!!!!!!!!!!

Dark Summer (2015)

Goodnight, moon.

What was this? What was any of this? When I read the description thing for this mess on Netflix it was like "Cyber-bully gets on house arrest and while on house arrest the tables are turned on him". Hmm. That doesn't sound even remotely appealing, but I'm a piece of garbage, so it was at least intriguing enough to get me to watch from the perspective of "I can talk shit about this mess on my blog no1 reads". The Netflix description made it sound like some shitty Lifetime film, but I could tell straight away this was some try-hard indie mess if not for the casting of Keir Gilchrist alone. Remember when he was Moosh on United States of Tara? Then he did that shitty fake ass One Flew with Emma Roberts and now look: this. Dark Summer. A movie worse than even its not totally accurate description made it seem. I'm still mad about United States of Tara getting cancelled. 

So what this movie was really about was some weirdo kid who had a way too intense crush on this girl at school whom he never talked to. She's like a Hot Topic spokesmodel or something and so ~mysterious~ and it's like...is this 2003? Am I back to being a huge super-fan of Evanescence? Is this kid for real? Okay so like he hacks this bitch's email or whatever and...ends up on house arrest. His...house arrest officer person is played by Peter Stormare and I truly have no idea why. Not even that this dude is like super A-list or famous or relevant but it just...seems like his presence is meant to be significant. But it's like...this movie is mad dumb. And this dude is a pretty good actor even though all the time I can detect his weird ass accent. Why is he here?? What has he done to end up in this? Maybe he refused to molest some kids idk.

So Keir is on house arrest for stalking some bitch and hacking her computer shit. The officer dude says Keir is not allowed to use the computer and internet and stuff and this movie is annoying me so much already like three minutes in. I hate how Keir looks, I hate how the movie looks, I hate the way the officer is talking, I hate how this stupid idiot bitch is on house arrest for fucking hacking some weirdo girl's e-mail, I hate Keir's ugly friends, I hate how this boy has no parents around, I hate how he eats cereal, I hate the way he types on the computer, I hate the token black friend for not peaceing out of this weird mess the minute his ugly friend got arrested for figuring out some bitch's g-mail password - I just hate everything and all of this. But anyway like I said I'm garbage so instead of turning this mess off and, idk, getting my life together or something productive such as that, I what? I continued to watch!!!

What makes this shit even worse is that this trash is supposed to be a horror film. LOL!!! I mean...I guess how bad it is is horrifying? But tbh it'd only be horrifying if like most movies, specifically "horror films", were good. In a delusional made-up fucking fantasy world where most horror films are at least a little bit passable, Dark Summer would be horrifying solely for being shit. But that world does not exist, so Dark Summer can't even get scary points for how bad it is. It's not even the worst horror film I've seen, and honestly that makes it that much more pathetic. If you're not going to even try to be good or worthy of existing, go big and just completely flatline on that ass. Well, I guess Dark Summer did that? Nah but how can you even flatline if your heart was never beating to begin with? This is a super deep blog written by a FUCKING MANIAC. 

Nah but literally no one who has watched this movie enjoyed it or thought it was good. I would put my life on that. Which means mainly nothing as I wish to die literally 25 hours a day, but even if I didn't I'd still put my life on the fact that no one who has ever seen this shit has not regretted their entire existence afterwards. 

So Keir goes on the internet anyway eventho the officer dude said not to!!! Oooooh, we've got a Billy Badass on our hands!! What cute thing happens while Keir is illegally online is that the bitch he was stalking fucking videochats him as she's committing suicide! Aww romance. The officey nigga shows up @ the house like "I know u had something to do with this blah blah". It's like girl okay literally no one cares why am i watching this. 

CAN WE TALK ABOUT KEIR'S FRIENDS REAL QUICK?! Okay so there's the token negra one that I talked about before. He used to be some child actor right? Playing Jamie Foxx's son or someone's son in some shit, non? I'm not gonna look because who really fucking cares, but yeah he was! Now he's grown up and in post child actor hell I guess. Let's just clap that he's not Orlando Brown or one of those pug-ass Massey brothers and keep it cute and moving!! Lowkey the token was the best part of the movie because he threw some good side-eye in several scenes

however, his dumb black ass ended up getting killed so it kind of cancels out the side-eye nvm.com. 

The other friend is some depressing, pathetic bitch who's in love with Keir. 

(ugh)

She gives this nigga a star jar. Biiiiiiitch. 

AND IT'S SO FUNNY BECAUSE HE DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT AT ALL! HE JUST LIKE BREAKS IT!! AND THEN SHE CLEANS IT UP!!! *screams til dies* Someone fast-forward this ho a copy of He's Just Not That Into You. Her character was extra-pathetic and I was kind of feeling some type of way about it. Like why was she...so into Keir? 

Like....???

So like okay how is this movie a horror film, you ask? (I know u didn't...) *claps* Well!! *throws up* I DON'T! *shits* KNOW!!

What...happens...is...sigh...I...

Idk. Look the suicided girl...turns out she was a witch or some shit? Which, like, 

Annnnnd. She did some love spell mess on Keir, which is why he was obsessed with her and hacking into her gmail account and shit. Whatever. She ends up possessing the body of...the pathetic friend. But I don't think--I think the friend was pathetic before getting possessed, so still no explanation for that mess. And uhhh...idk the movie ends with the possessed friend cutting Keir's...leg off and then...dragging him away somewhere? And the officey dude comes to the house like "Keir?" and I think the movie ends? I completely forgot how it ended but I spent the...like almost the entirety of the movie just like...daydreaming of a better one. Kind of disassociating and leaving my body and going to somewhere where something less terrible was occurring. So if you love mental illness and not getting any help for yourself, watch Dark Summer. 

um.

This movie was doing entirely way too much. I was entertained, though. So that's new lol. I've watched so much bullshit that I've become numb to a lot of stories. This shit was...different. I think. I mean, I'm sure something almost exactly like this was made in the seventies. They were going really ham in that decade and pretty much covered anything that needed to be covered, that hadn't already. But it's the 2000s, so you can make some horrifying sort of feminist horror remake now and THERE'S CGI! Also Angela Bettis. It's annoying Angela Bettis wasn't around to be in all those horrible grindhouse movies from the seventies. But she's here now, so let's turn up! Or, not? Let's turn down instead? Like, let's brew a cup of chamomile and tuck into bed with a nice book. Maybe The Wind in the Willows? Yes, that's nice. Nice and calm and good and quiet and no one's face is chewed off :)

Did I like this movie? Um. That's an unanswerable question, I think. I can't say no, because my interest was definitely kept, but I also can't say yes, because I felt like throwing up...quite a bit during the viewing? And it wasn't the erotic kind of nausea, you know what I mean?

I'm sure you do!

Mmm, so anyway! I don't feel like pulling away the meat from the bone and like parsing...the meaning of the film, or how it affected me. I'll just say I appreciated the effort. Though...I feel weird that a lot of attempts at making a sort of feminist statement are so often done in the horror genre. What a weird...trend. Do movie makers with these particular beliefs feel they can only get people to listen and pay attention if they costume it in some crazy ass face-eating bullshit? Well, are they wrong? No.

Now I'm gonna post the screenshots I took while watching. I was able to restrain myself a bit while watching, but the downside to me "restraining" myself is that my collection of screencaps makes the movie look like "The Woman" in question was the teacher character with the ugly pointed french tips. And...tbh, she should've been. True star of the film. ~tilde for sarcasm because fuck. no.

Right away I'm annoyed because this bitch is prowling around the woods in a full-on fucking Lara Croft Tomb Raider from the couture collection ass ensemble. WAS SHE OR WAS SHE NOT RAISED BY WOLVES? Why is this ho wearing clothes, AND WHERE SHE GET THAT CLOTH FROM?? Hm?!?! How you wanna be a super-feminist rah rah girls movie--Oh, is she covered up because they think it's antifeminist to have her walking around naked? But nah, she's naked later in the film? I don't remember if she was full-frontal, but we definitely saw a titty or two, so....what's the deal?? 

Just miss me with her fucking wolf parents teaching her how to sew a fucking bralette together, come on. 

lol. I really did not want to cap this movie. I say this every time, but I was so fucking serious about not. But I just had to once the teacher came on the scene. She was so--Like, she looked so dumb lol. Not even dumb as in, like, the actress was miscast in the teacher role, but...just dumb. Stupid. Slow. Shortbussy. What sort of teacher is this? I've never had a teacher like ol girl, fucking strut-walking up and down the seat aisles like she's the sole "dancer" at a bachelor party that's being held in some nigga named Greg's basement, talking to her fucking students with her delayed motor skills ass speech - enough! The only thing that seemed a little realistic were her cheap ass Dress Barn from the Miss section outfits. I had a younger teacher in high school that sort of dressed like that and had terrible nails like that. One time I was at the mall and I saw her there and she had a bunch of Forever 21 bags with her. I think the teacher in this movie was just giving me 'nam (or that time I saw my teacher at the mall) flashbacks. 

Oh lord. I hated Brian, whoo, I hated this little boy with a passion. A passion. Lol but not yet at this point I don't think. Hmm, but maybe. Because remember at the barbecue how he was just watching that kid get bullied? I think at this point I was just trying to figure out what the deal with ol' boy was, and how come all the kids looked vaguely ethnic with the whitest fucking gluestickiest ass parents of all time?? Hmm?? Why did all the Cleek kids look extra swarthy with those unsalted cornbread and milk teeth ass parents, thanks! 

Okay lol. So big ups to ol' girl for beating Brian at bball. I love how he was all, "You're just better than me". She looked at him like, "Yup!". Lol okay but I screenshot this because that girl in the background was sizing up ol' girl with mad disgust. Very "Who does this bitch think she is?" with her hunchback of norte dame goes to suburban middle school lookin' ass. I love when extras do the most, it's my fave. But wow @ my attention deficit disorder. Who is paying attention to extras when there is like a whole movie going on? Well, whatever, it's not like anyone's face was eaten off by this point. I didn't know I needed to be interested, thank you!! 

I can't even feel bad for her. Who doesn't like look at their brush before putting it in their hair? Brian's awkward, sociopathic ass put a massive wad of gum on the bristles and you're telling me she aint see that shit? Lol and it was so funny when she was like "ow!" and Brian turned around in his seat with the quickness, "What happened, Suzie?!" lol, fake ass. 

me: *twenty minute long blood-curdling scream*

So I spent a while trying to figure out if the dad was molesting the daughter. It was so obvious that I felt it was too obvious. I guess the not obvious thing was that she was pregnant. I didn't pin that until I saw her in that billowy shirt and then like two seconds later the slowbus teacher is all "Are you pregnant, Peggy?!" and then Peggy was like "Mind your business, ho" and I was like YAAAAAAAAASSSSSS! But in hindsight I realize I may also be of the slowbus variety because I think I pegged (heh) Peggy was preggers way later than the teacher, and also I was cheering for the teacher to mind her fucking business and not help her student? Hmm @ me. But she's so annoying, ugh!! Keep your beak out! lol ugh

So who is this? He a teacher at the school? Where in the hell does this movie take place? Smh, probably like, Montana. Or, like, London, Ontario.

Ugh I was trying to get a perfect screen-capture of this nosy bitch's ugly ass nails but I'm lazy and didn't try hard at all so here's a pic of them with the fucking time bar concealing the view. Is that thing called the time bar? I'm like 73% sure that's not the name of that thing. However, I am 1000000% sure I don't give a care!!

It was so weird how the dad and son greeted each other with a handshake - what a pair of freakazoids. Maybe I should give Brian a break due to his parentage. Like...he has the worst parents; especially dad. The dad is insane. And like, hokey as hell, too. If he were just insane, fine, whatever, most dads are insane. But to be an okie doke hokey poke sort? Nah, you goin too far, in my estimation. Brian never had a chance, but at the same time, I don't really care. He is a child who's had zero positive influences but I will still hate him passionately and with more energy than I've ever cared about anything in my life, and I will cheer when he dies. I will feel whole, and at one with god. 

Okay so this was another attempt at capturing the nails. Why did I hate her nails so much? Was I projecting? I had french tips once. That was a very low point in my life. Well, I mean, can you ever have low points if it's always been a pretty consistent flatline? Anyway, a brief explanation for this post and my entire blog :') 

lol sigh.

Okay so this was after Peggy caught Brian in the cellar with The Woman and he was taking a pair of pliers to one of her nipples? Umkay. So Peggy tells the mom...that Brian was in there jerking off to the animal woman. Why did she lie? Did she think it would look worse if it seemed he was doing something sexual instead of tearing that wolf woman's titties apart? Idk, but the dad didn't care and was all ~boys will be boys~. So the mom late as hell is all "I'm done! I'm leaving you!". Smh with her late. ass. This nigga done captured and kidnapped a whole human being and chained her up in your cellar and you only just now got some shit to say because he said how the wolf woman didn't look half bad now that she was all cleaned up? That was the only reason the wife got salty, miss me with her late, whack ass. But anyway, Chris, king of the world in his mind, just laughs like "lol" and I...am worried for ol' girl. This nigga has no qualms about fucking his daughter, or keeping entire human women as pets, so why you...think...he care about your little rant?

The mom says how she's leaving and taking the girls but Chris can keep Brian. He can have that disturbed lil nigga. I was like YAAAAAASSSSS. lol, I wasn't even rooting for the mom but when she called Brian a rapist I was crying tears of joy whoooooooo I hate that little demon so much :') I mean, I don't know why the mom is acting like she had no part in raising Brian but ooh boy I don't even care about that right now cuz she roasted the shit out of him and it felt sooooooooooo good :')

Eh. So, in response, Chris bodies ol' girl. Do you see her...like lying there on the floor? Yeah....................LIKE BUT WHAT DID SHE EXPECT?! Lol talkin' bout I'm leaving. Bitch, this is a sneak away in the middle of the night sort of situation, and I'm gagging that you thought differently. Ah well. 

SO THIS NOSY BITCH DROPS BY THE CLEEK CRIB. UNANNOUNCED. I don't think so, ho. Your time has come. 

Peggy is all "It's not a good time right now, Ms. Teacher Bitch!". I was, for a few milliseconds, rooting for the teacher. Rooting for her to stop being a nosy ass bitch, turn around, head for the nearest strip mall, and clear out a Deb or Fashion Bug to spruce up her spring wardrobe. But she wanted to be a stupid bitch, so she deserves whatever happens to her upon walking into the house of fucking horrors. Looking like a goddamn mannequin at Joyce Leslie or Charlotte Russe or some shit, smh, and enough.

Look at the mom just sitting over there omg they just propped her knocked out ass up in that little chair whooooo girl if I walked into a house and saw that shit I'd turn around and walk immediately back out, no ma'am, thank you ma'am, but no!!!!! Lol Chris is all "She's tired". THIS BITCH LOOKS DEAD, RUN TEACHER HO!!! No but she wanna be the shortbus taker that she is and stays. *shrugs at her doomed future*

Don't mind me, just trying to perfectly capture those atrocious talons. And now I keep noticing suspiciously groomed eyebrows. Girl, what are you doing??

Welp.

YES, TEAR THAT BITCH APARRRRRRRTTTT!!!!! DID SHE SLICE HIM IN HALF?!?!?!? *gets on my knees and prays to god and santa claus, thanking them for their love and gifts to me*

YO WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS???!? I screamed when Chris and Brian put that teacher bitch in the cage with the dogs and the thing that actually ended up chewing her ass to bits was a fucking person under the stairs. WHAT IS THIS?!? WHO IS THIS?! And did the family the whole time know about him being in there with the dogs? References were made to the dogs and the mom was talking about how whatever Chris was doing with them was illegal. Smh if this bitch knew the whole time he had this little animal boy holed up in there I'm even more done with her, and even more glad she got her face ate. Hoes who allow their husbands to keep human beings as pets deserve to get their faces dined on, those are just the rules of the universe probably. 

I was like "aw, love connection", but I think she's just gonna keep him as a pet? So, a little awkward he has to keep being a pet, but, whatever, you live what you know :) 

Really loved Pollyanna McIntosh as "The Woman". Sad I didn't screencap more of her in an effort to ~restrain~ myself. She reminded me of Milla Jovovich, but even better because she barely had any lines :) But no she was good lol. And funny? Was this whole movie lowkey funny? Man, idk, but *screams until I start shitting blood clots*

Hm, but anyway how cute is this new little nuclear family they got going on here? Aw, right?? 

BUT WHATT HE FUCK ARE THYE CGJUST GOIGN TO GO LIVE IN THE WOODS WITH RHIS BITCH OR WHAT???!!!&/!8-! 

liek?????

like, the end????

I guess???

Girl, I guess!!!

Hot Mess Express, Next Stop: Maps to the Stars (2014)

ugh

Um. 

I...idk. 

I almost made this a Masterpiece of Shit Theater episode, but...there was something very not masterpiece about how shitty this movie was. Hence the new category: Hot Mess Express ugh kill me die. Also, the movie wasn't...as shitty as it could be, despite an actual character setting themself on fire and it looked as fake as that CGI in Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling. There were also at least two Degrassi cast members here and...like...like I don't like seeing "actors" from Degrassi in real movies because it's like real world human beings acknowledging that show as something legitimate, which it very much is not. If Degrassi is on your resume, you don't have a resume as far as I'm concerned no shade I love you Degrassi but you're terrible let's keep it 100%. 

AlsoAlso! This movie was too fucking Canadian for my tastes. Like, it was supposed to be about Hollywood and all that bullshit, right? Which is very ~American EAGLE SOUNDS REGANOMICS UNITED STATES~~. However, this movie was just...so not Americany. First of all, a lot of the actors were not American. Like out of everyone, only Julianne Moore and John Cusack--who looks Canadian or like an Asian doing Michael Myers cosplay--were American? And then you have Mia Wasikowska doing her ~ameRican ACCent~ sounding very like posh Valley Girl? What is that? I mean, I guess?? Maybe the Weiss fam was supposed to be Canadian? Because like Benjie was modeled after Justin Bieber, right? Fine, but ugh. Fine. The Weiss family can be expats because Hollywood is full of them and I guess that's very. But miss me with the name Havana Segrand. Like, that's so Canadian. American movie stars have like okie doke ass names. Brad, Ben, George. Wait those are all dudes. Who's a woman star? Angelina Jolie. Hmmm okay that's...sort of French. Angelina's excused tho cuz she's Hollywood royalty and of course she wouldn't have a proper name! Oh...wait...so was Havana...I guess...what with her mom being like some indie acting legend or whatever bullshit. Okay, so, I guess. But okay why was her ~rival~ named Starla Gent? And she looked so...so Canadian and redheaded gah idk everything just seemed so off. Like Bizarro World America, which is how all Canadian productions seem and I could just tell this was made by a Canadian okay and it was just fucking off. But maybe that was the point? Don't ever have that be the point. 

This movie was a fucking mess from beginning to end. I enjoyed some aspects, though. Like, I thought there were some legit funny moments. Like Benjie calling that little kid actor a "piece of shit". Benjie in general was sort of really killing me in a mostly good way? S I GH. Also I died screaming when Stafford started punching his daughter in the gut. WHO...WHO DOES THAT?! HE JUST STARTED PUNCHING HER IN THE STOMACH I'M SCREEEEAAAMINNNNG. I thought it was very white people and Hollywood of Stafford and Christina the way they reacted to their daughter. Christina being "scared" of Agatha? Lol um. Okay, yeah, she set the house on fire. But she was eleven. And deranged. Like, I get being afraid, but she was also a kid and also your daughter and like who just sends their kid off to a mental asylum and never visits them wtf?? Or did they feel guilty about Agatha being a product of incest and...like just didn't want those bad vibes around messing up their...neat little situation? Also, what was up with the incest stuff?? I love incest stuff (sometimes), but here it was weird. Like it was called out in the movie "Oh, incest is so tired!", but then...there were like threads of it all over the actual film??? And yeah, you're right, it is tired. Nothing new was being done here so...like was it a satire about...incest themes or?? I felt like Cronenberg was trying to do something....wait - was he implying...Hollywood is the way it is because...everyone's...in some way a product or victim of incest? Lol, sure. Fine. I'll buy it. 

I sort of loved Julianne Moore here, I think. I haven't seen Still Alice yet, but lowkey I feel like she should've won the Oscar for this mess instead of that. Like, she was doing everything, and it was sort of amazing. She played Havana sort of like if Lindsay Lohan lives past forty. Though, Havana seems to have slightly more clout than Lindsay. Like, she's getting auditions and getting considered for things, at least. And she doesn't seem to be a crackhead. I mean, in spirit, yes, but never once in the movie does she inhale crack drugs. I think. Does she? No, right? Probably coke at least. And like diarrhea tablets from Whole Foods? What are...diarrhea tablets, sweetie :)?

I liked Mia, too. I mean, I always do, I think. She's intriguing. I'm confused about everything concerning her character, though. First of all, why was everyone acting like she was some psycho insane burned up ass freak? Like, she was, but not to the extent everyone was acting? Like her burns weren't even that bad? I would just mistake it for bad skin? But the dude on the set of that sci-fi show is like GET SOME COLOR ON YOUR UGLY ALIEN MAKEUP. lol, please and no. And then Havana asks Robert Pattinson's skull what's in it for him, romancing Agatha? And it's like...um, sex and she's cute? Like??? She's not fucking Rocky Dennis - what is everyone's damage? 

Okay and like what was that shit with her brother? Was she in love with him? And what was that chant thing they kept saying? And what was the whole tie-in when they got "married" at the end? And there was like a "map" to the stars HAHA GET IT. No, seriously, what was the entire actual fucking point of this movie? Clearly, many things went over my head. Do you think if I tweeted at Carrie Fisher and asked her "wtf??" she'd explain things? I don't want her to like...invite me to her house, though. What if she plays me "Hearts and Bones" and explains in a "comical" and "poetic" way about how Paul Simon wouldn't let her do anal on him? Sigh, I think...I'll...just go to my grave not knowing (or, caring, really) wtf this movie was trying to say. I'm good.