I watched the Globes and took notes like a cool person II

I just very briefly watched some of the globes red carpet coverage and immediately I wanted to melon ball my eyeballs out. They're interviewing Clooney and Amal and omgmmg. The interviewer person is like HEY GEORGE REMEMBER LAST YEAR WHEN TINA AND AMY MADE FUN OF YOU FOR NOT BEING MARRIED OR SOMETHING And then she's like NOW YOU'RE MARRIED. And then Clooney is like WELL I CERTAINLY DIDN'T DO IT JUST BECAUSE THEY SAID THAT and he laughs but that sort of laugh where it's only coming from the mouth but behind the eyes all you see is rage. I can't deal with these celebrity interview things, they are soooo awkward. And I don't even like Clooney, but I just can't. He looked seriously pissed lol omg. At least Amal is like the most gorgeous person ever. One of them, calm down. 

OMG ARE JAKE AND MAGGIE EACH OTHER'S DATES??? No, I'm not still watching Red Carpet. I PUT IT ON MUTE SO THAT COUNTS AS NOT WATCHING IT. oh boy, there are going to be sooo many caps tonight. THERE BETTER BE.

Edward Norton is still hot but he's like jowly now, right? Am I into the jowls???? Fuck I'm just glad he's nominated for something. PLEASE HAVE A LEGIT COMEBACK. No, I know you didn't go anywhere. But...a little bit you did? Like, were you fifth billed in that Jason Bourne remix with Renner? ehhh

So, still totally not watching this red carp cov. VIOLA IS SOOOOO GORGEOUS. She had on that cute ass pink at The People's Choice Abortion (WHICH I ALSO DID NOT WATCH) and now she has on this beautiful red. It really blends well with her skin tone. The whiteys will try to keep up BUT THEY WILL FAIL. Except Tilda if she comes. And Marion. Is Marion coming? PLEASE MARION BE HERE. Ugh, I feel like she wasn't nominated for anything. This is bullshit, Marion should be nominated every year just for being alive. Come on!

Seriously. These "interviews". They ask Patricia Arquette some vaguely deep question like "Did you see yourself in the film" and Patricia is like I SAW EVERYONE GET DIVORCED AND HAVE KIDS and then the interviewer is like [too short beat] "Patricia Arquette. WHO ARE YOU WEARING?" So cringe-y. Can't. 

And Matt, that newsperson whoever, just tried to make a joke about having a prosthetic nose??? #haha

OMG WHEN CARSON DALY WHO USED TO BE ON TRL TALKED TO JANE BEFORE RICKY. You can tell Ricky was legit offended. I can't even imagine being in a longtermy ass relationship with him lol omg #feel4ujane

O h s h i t David Oyelowo's voice. Does he...sound exactly like my childhood doctor? Now i'm uncomfortable. That dude used to feel my stomach? What medical test is that, my guy? 

Um, the actual Globes

------------------

deep slam @ The Interview. Is it a slam if it's true? That movie looks like gar-bage. 

FRANCES MCDORMAND. 

slam @ Brits doing ~aMeRiCAn ACCents~~. Yes.

WES ANDERSON OMG HE ACTUALLY EXISTS.

Yes more Clooney slams. Even better than last year. I hope he's just straight up shot in the face next year. #fingerscrossed

Farrell or Firth? NO BRAINER, FARRELL. Get that king's speech shiz out of here. 

NORTON OR RUFFALO? Jowls.

Yes, Cosby slam. SO MANY SLAMS. lol Tina's impersonation. It's like, racist? Or am I talking about when she did Tyler Perry? #cringefacemixedwithpleasedafterpoopingface??

Lizard King....this shit is awkward, right? Like, I thought this was planned...but Jen can't do improv? And Lizard King is sweaty and talking while she's talking oh goddd

omg JK Simmons told ppl to shut up and I feel like they got upset really quick???? AMAZING. YES, MILES SHOUT-OUT. 

JLO AND JEREMY YES MY DREAMMSMSMSMSMS. OMG JEREMY LAUGHING YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!! IS JEREMY DRUNK??? I LOVE HOW HE BLATANTLY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT READING THE TELEPROMPTER PROPERLY. lol why do I think someone has to be drunk to not give a shit about the globes???? 

YES, FARGO! lol calm down oh god I'm about to max out my caps (this isn't a thing, but it should be) Wait, is Martin Freeman not here? ugggh he's too cool for the globes and he has a life and stuff probably. WHY. 

OMG NO JEREMY STOP PRETENDING YOU'RE STRAIGHT. Straight dudes don't refer to women's breasts as "globes". #can't

Exactly, Billy Bob. But also you're probably racist, right? Like, you can't talk for longer than a minute without saying something racist, right? lol

Is this....is this Movies Wow person thing...racist? It is, right? And it's not even funny so....................... #cringe #nopleasedafterpoopingface #teamkoreans #butonlysouthkoreansletsbehonest

DON CHEADLE SAID SOMETHING TO EMILY BLUNT WHAT WAS IT OMG THIS IS LIKE THE END OF LOST IN TRANSLATION INSTEAD I ACTUALLY CARE THIS TIME

lol why is everyone standing up clapping? I entirely ignored everything he said. #noregrets

Edie Falco is really cute, right? I need someone to tell me: yes or no, she is or is not cute. 

Oh, shit, Jane the Virgin won. I've only seen three eps of that show but let's just address how the true star of that show is obviously the mom. But Jane is cute, so, I guess. 

"Thank you God for making me an artist" oooh boy

GABY FUCKING HOFFMANN BETTER BE HERE, THAT'S ALL I KNOW. No Gaby, so I don't care. Eventho I def need to see this show. But, ugh, Amazon Prime. 

PRINCEEEEEEEE! ARE U FUCKING KIDDING MEEEEEEE AND DOES HE HAVE A BLIND PERSON CANE OMFFFFFFGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOODDDDD

oh boy Common is extra as hell

Chrissy Teigen is really cute. That's all I got.

Both Katie Holmes' and Seth Meyer's names should just be "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

I can't w8 for Bomer's Monty Clift movie. If it's good I can't wait to rave, but I semi-super hope it's terrible so I can lose my mind complaining. ALL CAPS.

OMG MATT JUST WON. lol srsly lose a bunch of w8 ALL THE AWARDS. Who should've won was Joe Mantello. But he wasn't even nominated becuz Hollywood is super basic and I guess that's why I'm sitting here watching this shit. #someregrets

*Ricky squee* NO, SAY STUFF!!! omg i love him. 

AMMMMMYMYMMYMYYYYY!!! If a child abuse scandal or something horrible like that happened with Amy I'd still love her. Prob, I'd love her even more. #lesbihonest

omg Jon Voight slapping Colin Hanx a lil???????? #teamchet

oooooh Kate Hudson looks cute. 

Special tribute to George Clooney??????????????? *Tommy Lee Jones face* lol did I just hope he gets shot in the face earlier up there? Earlier in the notes??? At least it's not fucking Jodie Foster. But oh boy...I bet Clooney'll make some long ass awkward speech right? So, worse than Jodie because at least she's vaguely interesting. And she's friends with RDJ and acclaimed racist Melly Gibsons. Who is Clooney friends with?? It's already been proven he doesn't actually hang out with the Jolie-Pitts, so I've got nothing. BORING!

No, omg take this North Korean person joke thing away. I HATE IT. Wait - is that Margaret Cho? *Walter White's horrified face*

Yo, Alejandro Iñárritu can def get it. Let's go, let's do this. 

Can Get It, Part deux: Jane Fonda.

Oh, shit, slam @ men in comedy. #yep

How the fuck did William H get a nom for Shameless but not Emmy? HER NAME IS EMMY. Okay, yes, this is the Globes, SO I'LL DIRECT MY CAPS AT THE EMMYS WHO ALSO DID NOT NOMINATE HER. #thefuck?

LUPITA AND COLIN! #dreamship???

I'm looking over these notes and wondering: 1, am i bi-polar? Like, do I have a serious mental problem? (Yes) 2, why don't I just get a Twitter? (cuz Twitter sux and fuck 140 characters) 3, no I def have a mental problem 4, oh well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ADRIEN BRODY!!!!! ugh I loved him in Grand Budapest. I'm so glad he still gets invited to these things *condescending smile*

ooooh, I think I want Frances to win for Olive Kitteridge. She was amazing. But J Lange!! ugh, idk

hmmm Maggie won. She was good, but...not better than Frances. I'm not mad though, I didn't even know that fucking show got nominated for anything so...cute. 

If I were really weird (I'm not????) I would write Maggie/Jake erotic fanfic. Also, if I could imagine Jake having heterosexual sex. Nope, before you ask, not even in an incestuous scenario. Not even squinting and imagining Maggie as a boy. Maybe if Sarsgaaaaaaaard is standing crying in the corner. Def if he's weepily, slowly jacking off. OKAY, IT'S HAPPENING. 

I feel like if anyone is the "complicated woman" in Maggie and Peter's relationship it's Peter. *Jake Gyllenhaal face*

The Affair won but................................................................. at least I get to see cute shots of Diane Kruger getting all excited and kissing up on her beau. But srsly, The Affair annoyed me. But I didn't see any of those other nominees so I can't say shit. Maybe it was the best out of the other four shitty-looking shows???? I would've been okay with Ruth getting a nom/win, tho. She's perfect. UGGGGH. #conflictedfeelings #youdoknowshowslikehannibalandrectifyexistright?????

WAIT. HOLD UP. I THOUGHT BEN AND ROBIN BROKE UP??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? AND OMG HIM LIKE STARRRRRING AT HER REALLY LONG AND HER IGNORING HIM? OMG I'M READING SOOO MUCH INTO THAT!!! He is going to kill her. Omg I can't wait, scandals are fun!

George Clooney's friends: The Good Wife and Don Cheadle. I love Don Cheadle, but there's no way he gets an invite to Lake Como, so that doesn't count. And who the eff cares about Julianna Margulies? Well, a lot of people, I guess. BUT *Katy Perry voice* NOT ME!

Oh god seeing Sam Rockwell is just making me depressed that fucking George Clooney is being honored with a lifetime achievement award. A lifetime achievement award for what? Being consistently mediocre? #gag Ugh they're giving me Tilda and Vera and they're all soooooo much more important than him!! INFURIATING.

OMG William H rubbing Felicity's back a lil. I entirely forgot they were married. lol I love how I am not paying attention to this speech at all in any way. He seems to be trying to do jokes?? Also, is he throwing shade? But in like a smug White Guy way? #blah

ew omg him talking about love I WANT TO DIE OMG THIS IS THE WORST. He just used the word "alchemy". I just.........

oh! Ruth was nominated! OKAY lol. OMG RUTH WON! Good, she's great on The Affair. But ugh I so wish her character wasn't into Noah because he sux and should be dead :)   lol I love how her speech is maybe a little obnoxious? #iloveit

omg Michael Keaton's speech. At first I was like: omg this is long and weird. And then I realized this is probably his first big award moment and omg when he said his son was his best friend. This was the cutest thing I have ever seen. Omg I almost got emotional. Like, I almost felt an emotion. #progress

I reaaaally need to see Foxcatcher. I'm so excited for Carrell's creepiness. His "...Mark." in the trailer. *Danny Castellano voice* "Chilling". 

OMG GRAND BUDAPEST WON. WES ANDERSON IS GOING TO SAY STUFF!!! MAYBE EVEN RALPH?!?!?!?! lol omg this Grand Budapest win may be my fave moment of the night. lol is that sad? But Goldblum and Schwartzman and Fiennes all on stage and Wes doing "jokes" in his Wes way and ugggggggh the only thing that was missing were ZERO AND AGATHA. Come on! Suddenly, my worst moment from the night. *Zero face*

I love Julianne Moore but I'm not tryna see Still Alice. It looks really try-hard. And Kristen Stewart appears to have more than zero lines?? Less than zero times will I be watching that mess. 

*Edie Falco face*

Oh shit Gwyneth Paltrow looks really cute. #apocalypsenow

Hmm Eddie won. I'm excited for his speech but it's prob gonna be extra posh and obnoxious. Me, always at him: At least he has on that amazing suit. 

*Jake G not winning face*

omg Eddie called Felicity a "formidable actress". So posh and sooooo true. Can't w8 til Felicity blows up next year. RIGHT?!

omg what the fuck kind of conversation were Jake and Maggie having?!!?! THIS IS ALL I CARE ABOUT AND ALL I WILL EVER CARE ABOUT.

Wow, I'm really ready for this to be over :)

True star of the night: This random old guy who gave money to Dickie Linklater to make Boyhood. 

omg, Margaret Cho. #why??

Alright, I'm going to watch Girls and Shameless siiiiiiiiigh

Is Purple Rain my favorite movie?

No, that's ridiculous. Right??

This isn't even a proper movie. It's just one long ass music video. Like, you could try to excuse it as a musical...I guess??? But the main character, played by Prince, doesn't even have a name????? HE DOESN'T HAVE A NAME. In the movie no one ever refers to him by anything. Except sometimes, maybe, "The Kid"? And on imdb.com that's what's listed as his character name....BUT WHOSE NAME IS JUST "THE KID"??? Did your shitty, crazy parentals name you "The Kid"? Like, is that on your birth certificate? You know, I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. See, this is why I have such a difficult time claiming this "movie" as one of my favorites. The first time I watched it I became instantly obsessed. It's very rare, but occasionally I'll watch a movie and it'll briefly become my entire life. The last time I think this happened was three or four years ago the first time I saw Hitchcock's Rope. I went insane for that movie and watched it like three times consecutively in less than two days. I never rewatch a movie right after seeing it. I mean, I rewatch movies all the time, but rarely ever do I watch something and then feel an intense, frankly embarrassing urge to watch it immediately again as soon as the credits start rolling. That happened with Purple Rain. 

Let me try to figure out why! No, because seriously, I feel weird loving this movie so much. I even feel a little bit weird loving a movie like Rope so much, because I find my reasons to be primarily superficial. Like, Farley Granger and then...gay yelling stuff. It's great, whatever. And also, it's a legitimate film. Even though it's obviously just some sort of experiment Hitchcock was doing with tracking shots or whatever. Like, I get the feeling he didn't even really care what the characters were saying. (Does he ever????? LOL) But Purple Rain...sigh. No one cares what the characters are saying (I do - anytime Wendy or Lisa talk WHERE R THEIR OSCARS???), it's all about the music. And the music in this film is sublime, obviously, because Prince. But I don't like loving a movie because it has great music. I don't want to be one of those people. I refuse. So I'm going to talk about all the non-musicy stuff I loved. Like, when characters had dialogue and it was super terrible and embarrassing AND THE BEST.

Okay, sigh, so, non-music related stuff I loved. Oh boy, here we go.

-Morris Day. 

Killing me softly at all times. First of all he's so cute with his little freckles but also having this thick ass mustache and that perm I CAN'T AND I WON'T. 

And his outfits and stage swagger 

and just his entire sass-cat demeanor in general. He's a scene-stealer for sure and possibly the only okay-ish actor in the movie. Or, he knows his part and plays it well...and probably he's just doing himself. But like a lighter version because surely in real life he legit murdererd people, something that's never brought up in the film but definitely hinted at, right?? 

Like how he just shows up to Apollonia's crack house...

...how does he know where she lives???? POTENTIALLY GOING TO MURDER YOU, GIRL. lol omg and then that scene in the alley where he definitely had designs on raping her until ~the hero~ "The Kid" showed up on his motorcyle and gruffly barked at Apollonia to get on. Yeah, let's leave one horrifying situation and pop on over to the next. But that's for later! I'm supposed to be talking about my love for Morris!

I'm assuming the character of "Morris" is based on Morris Day. Right?!?! My favorite thing about Morris is how insecure he is. They actually managed to pull off some subtle stuff with his character that I didn't totally notice the first time until I read some comments about it online (ugh, i know). But like all that stuff with him boasting about how successful and rich he is but you see him vacuuming his shitty apartment and then rolling up to Apple's in a car where Jerome has to manually pull the window down with his fingers. Sad lol. And then after The Kid's dad tries to kill himself or whatever and Morris strolls by his dressing room and makes that comment like "How's your dad?" or something like that and then we immediately see him afterwards looking remorseful. Like, why, Morris?? I just loved all those little bits of his character and the facade he put on that hinted at how self-loathing he was. I mean, obviously he was in love with The Kid, right? That's what this is all about. THAT'S WHAT ANYTHING IS EVER ABOUT. 

Post script: He threw a woman in the garbage. Or, he had Jerome do it. STILL. 

-Apollonia/Apple

So. Cute. Not just, like, face and body wise, but just her general overallness. I love how she shows up on the scene ditching out on paying cab fare and I'm just like Awwww. And just how naive she is, and her courtship with The Kid. She's so cute with him and sentimental and sweet and he's like..."here's an earring. Not even a pair. Just some shit I found on the floor, lol kbye"

I think she was a good foil to The Kid, who is a huge dick. Like, I try to imagine Vanity in the role and...I can't see her pulling off this sweet thing. It would've just been two assholes being assholes and I would've maybe not cared about the gross romance at the center of the "film". Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, probably Vanity would've been a better choice because I seriously spent the majority of the time I wasn't obsessing over the music, being seriously concerned for Apollonia's well being. But I think all her struggles is why I liked her; Prince treating her like shit made me care about her character. And...also I loved the actress' accent. Where is she from? Michigan? Let me go look it up ugggh. Hmmm imdb tells me Santa Monica, Cali. Isn't that where...The Parkers were from? They had suspiciously country accents. But...I don't think the actresses were actually from California. Do ppl from Santa Monica have like some weird Hillbilly meets Valley Girl sort of hybrid accent thing going on? Eye dee kay, but she definitely has a weird sort of dorky affectation in her voice and it was so cute. lol I guessed Michigan. What even happens there? Don't tell me, I don't want to know!! 

-The Kid's "Father" and "Mother"

When The Kid goes home after the initial concert in the beginning is when I got really into the film. You gave me some good music, and some terrible little spurts of dialogue mixed in and I was enjoying myself. Like, Apollonia taking fifteen minutes to tell The Kid she liked his performance and he's not even standing behind her anymore - muah, beautiful. But I didn't get truly excited about the movie until Prince/The Kid goes home and his BLACK DAD and WHITE MOM are arguing and the dad (note: these characters are named, simply, "Father" and "Mother") is getting rough with the mom. Prince's little ass tries to step in and gets promptly pushed to the floor. This entire sequence made me so happy and it's when I knew I was truly going to enjoy myself for the rest of the film. 

I don't even want to get into this sort-of cliché of a black man beating on a white woman (is that even a cliché lol i have no idea)...the parent's relationship was...problematic...for various reasons. But the gist is that "Father" used to be some great musician guy thing. Essentially he was The Kid, but he got in his own way, probably drinking and being crazy and whatnot, and blocked himself from achieving true success. So he's a failure, but he appears to be blaming his wife for his faults? He says things like "WHY WON'T YOU LET ME BE GREAT?"...something like that. But it's super hilarious. Like, what is this bitch stopping you from? She certainly cannot physically restrain you in any way...and if you're implying she has some sort of emotional hold on you...I still don't see how that keeps you from creating music. If anything, your shitty fucking relationship should inspire you. WHATEVER. The main thing to focus on here is Prince prancing around in high-heeled boots and blouses and skin-tight tank tops trying to get big with his dad, fighting him off the mom. It's INSANELY RIDICULOUS, HE LOOKS RIDICULOUS. Omg when he comes home and is like "WHERE ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKER??" and, like, SPINS AROUND ON HIS HEELS. Ugh, god, amazing. 

Oh, I just remembered the dad was bitching at the mom about her not believing in him. Well, you're a loser, pal. So. But I guess that's what a lot of their fighting was about?? Um, if I had a spouse (never) and they were like "you disappoint me, you suck blah blah blah" (they literally say exactly this) this would either make me want to leave them immediately, or, I DON'T KNOW, try to make them proud. Like, maybe, I DON'T KNOW, getting back to work on my music?? I have no idea why I'm semi-seriously trying to discuss their relationship, they don't even have that much screentime. (Does the mom even have lines lol like I do not fucking remember??) And whoever made this movie clearly had no intentions on building, like, actual characters. Like, giving them legit backstories and reasons and stuff. Seriously, where did Apollonia come from???? Does she have parents? Kids? And how old are these people? Again, no real concern for the characters - this movie was just a vehicle for a Prince concert so maybe I should calm down asking literally any questions about anything that happened ever.  

-The inappropriateness of the songs.

Hmm, so I said I didn't want to focus on the music of a fucking...musical. But...I had a huge issue with some of the songs performed. I feel like...siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. So, there's no way a script was presented to Prince and he was like "okay, let me write some songs to go with the film...like to fit in with the story". However, I also don't think there was a reverse situation of the songs already having been written and recorded and then someone is like...let's write a movie around it. No. The songs and this movie were clearly made separate from one another and then when they came together there were only vague, very lazy attempts to get them to sync up. It's very obvious in the songs The Kid performs that are supposed to be directed at Apple/about his personal life. 

Take, for instance, "The Beautiful Ones". 

So...The Kid performs this really emotional, sort of pleading song about a beautiful woman hurting him and asking her to choose which mate she prefers and it's gorgeous and he's being really extra on the stage and it's all clearly directed at Apple and she's fucking crying in the audience... OKAY, BUT, at this point in the game The Kid and Apple have known each other for like 2.2 seconds, total. And...it seems The Kid is singing this song because she's sitting at a table with Morris? What? So??? I don't even know why The Kid dislikes Morris (no, okay, I do) but I don't buy their...arch-nemesis thing they have going on. And anyway, Apollonia is merely sitting at a fucking table. SITTING AT A TABLE. And she and The Kid aren't even officially booed-up yet, so why the fuck is he getting all up in his feelings like this?? Like, no. No, no, no. 

And then when The Kid performs "Darling Nikki"..............

What is even all of this. LOVE THIS SONG, but what is all this extra-ness? Who is this masturbating with a magazine?? And why does Apple take all his songs at word and get super tear-y, running off and shit...instead of rolling her eyes like "nigga, plz"????? Why doesn't Apple heckle his performance by shouting "SPARE ME!"?? And why, even on stage, is The Kid always and forever a piece of shit? What sort of boyfriend are you? I forgot when this performance happened in the film. Was it before or after Apollonia performed with her shitty girl group? Was this before or after he slapped her ass up? He definitely performed this as a "fuck you", but it literally could've been for any reason because he stayed mad. Like, maybe Apollonia went to Taco Bell without him?? Maybe The Kid sneezed and Apple didn't say bless you??? WHO KNOWS. But the performance is still mean. I mean, are you humping the stage, my guy?? 

And "Purple Rain", the titular...song. UUHHHH, SO. Two things: 1, before The Kid per---NO, MULTIPLE THINGS. 1, before The Kid performs this song he is all like "Wendy and Lisa wrote thisblah blah" STOP. How dare you not get down on your fucking knees and start eating out their vaginas right there on stage??? Like you were a MASSIVE COCKAZOID TO THEM and then you're like "oh, I liked that little song you did, I guess I'll write over it and make it all about me even tho I said it's about my dad even though clearly it has nothing to do with my dad"???? Ugh, I'm all over the place. What are my other points? 2, WHAT IS PURPLE RAIN? Too much caps, but, seriously, what is purple rain? I read that a scene was cut where The Kid and Apple are fucking (vomit) in a barn (vommmmmmmmmmm) and in the background it's raining and the rain is purple (ugh). Okay. So. Why was that scene cut? I'm not saying it was needed to make this song make sense. It's a great song and I love how it fits the downbeat, emotional tone towards the end of the film. But also I feel like...sigh. It fits if you ignore a lot of things. And...to be fair, maybe it does make more sense if you really pay attention to the lyrics, which I only vaguely have. Like, I haven't looked them up to read them online yet so maybe..............................................I just, he starts the song off dedicating it to his dad and...it doesn't have anything to do with any of that. And then, the people in the audience are getting emotional like they all knew The Kid's dad.............siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh, I just....

Oh, this is about stuff I liked about the movie. So, I guess, I liked that the music seemed to not really gel at all with the story???/

-"The Lake Minnetonka" scene

Did I like this scene? lol uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wait, you know what I did like? In that sort of way I like Nicolas Cage movies like? The Kid's ENTIRELY DICKISH PERSONALITY. 

-THE KID'S ENTIRELY DICKISH PERSONALITY

It's actually a vaguely brave choice to have a protagonist in this type of cheesy film who is a total piece of garbage lol 

No, seriously, The Kid is never not rude, mean, condescending or dimissive. 

Take sweet Jill. 

She's all like: "Soandso was looking for you" and The Kid is all like "That's nice". Who says "that's nice" when someone tells you your boss or whoever is looking for you? It's not only dimissive of your employer, but also Jill, who is simply relaying a message. And you're treating this bitch like she's an answering machine: "lol delete". Couldn't care less. And then he also says other things like "Why would Wendy and Lisa give you a tape?" as if Jill is the scum of the earth. Why are her dirty plebeian hands on this mix Wendy and Lisa did? Why would they even talk to you??? It's SO RUDE. And it doesn't help that Jill obvi has a crush on The Kid. I feel like, he's cute. He's a little elf wearing eyeliner, but he's totally cute. However, Jill works with this dude and sees him on a daily basis. Surely, she would have lost that crush a long time ago. I mean, just the blouses alone. COME ON, JILL, DO BETTER. 

Speaking of Wendy and Lisa. Up there, remember? When I had mentioned them???

My lesbian babies. WHY. DOES. THE KID. GET SO UPSET. WHEN HE FINDS OUT. THEY'RE WORKING. ON A SONG TOGETHER???? Plz explain. Wendy, I think, earlier in the film, implies that maybe The Kid has trust issues? But what exactly is he worried about here? That Wendy and Lisa will go off and do their own thing? UM, NEWSFLASH, TREATING THEM LIKE SHIT INSTEAD OF LISTENING TO THEIR IDEAS WILL CAUSE THEM TO DO EXACTLY JUST THAT. God, I can't with The Kid. What a dummy head. But, I thank him, because his behavior gives me so much great bitch face from Wendy and Lisa. It's, like, all they do. And it's beautiful. 

4ever 

So, The Kid is a douche burger to his employers, Jill, his bandmates. And it's great, I love it. I loved yelling at him...yelling at my TV screen at him. It's one of my fave things to do while watching stuff. I'll kill myself l8r, but right now I want to talk about when The Kid's meanness went next level and I was having the time of my life screaming at the TV screen that "SHE JUST BOUGHT YOU A GUITAR!!" 

So, before I get to Slap Gate, I must discuss Lake Minnetonka Gate. 

NO. UNACCEPTABLE. This entire scene is sooooooooooo problematic, and totally foreshadows abuse  down the road. And down the road in this case is, like, literally two days later. Jesus. I both liked and hated this scene. I hated it for all the obvious reasons: The Kid is a piece of shit, and his treatment of Apple makes me hella uncomfortable. I mean, no one told this bitch to jump in the water, but why did he proceed to steal her clothes, and then when she tries to get on the motorcycle he speeds up away from her like three times before she can get on and then when she does he's all "Don't get my seat all wet" and he's not even joking. Like, she better not get his fucking seat wet.

Is this supposed to be...cute and romantic? LOL. I think that's why I liked this, because you can tell whoever made this mess legit thought maybe they were on their romcom shit. Like, could you imagine Jen Aniston as Apple and Ryan Reynolds as The Kid? GARBAGE, 33 MILLION DOMESTIC. SEQUEL WHERE THEY HAVE A BABY AND VINCE VAUGHN IS THE GODFATHER AND HE ACCIDENTALLY GETS THE BABY KIDNAPPED AND EIGHTEEN YEARS LATER HE HAS A NEW GIRLFRIEND AND WOW THEY SORT OF LOOK ALIKE THIS IS WEEEEEIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRDDDDDD

I'm...still not entirely sure why I loved The Kid being a dick. I guess it was just entertaining to me in a terrible Lifetime movie sort of way. I think it's why I liked anything that happened in this movie that wasn't music. Take the slapping scene when Apple presents The Kid with a guitar. 

He's all like "how did you afford this?" If this were a Lifetime movie or that Chris Brown/Rihanna episode of SVU you'd be all like "UH UH, WATCH OUT, GIRL". I truly was not expecting him to slap the teeth out of her fucking mouth, like...where---HE DOES THIS ENTIRELY THREE SECONDS AFTER HE GETS THE GUITAR. This bitch bought you a crazy-cool gift, unprompted, and you're excited. You love it! Why ask how she paid for it? Okay, maybe it's just something to say, or maybe he was really concerned for her finances - whatever. Oh, no, omg. I was remembering it wrong for two seconds thinking he got mad about how she paid for it. NO. He gets insanely angry because she tells him she's going to work with Morris. Did she...is that why she bought him the guitar? Sugar before the cough syrup or some bullshit like that? THAT'S NOT THE POINT. Why hit her? And, again, what is this obsession/hate for Morris? And it's not even really about Morris; The Kid thinks he owns Apollonia. My thing: right before this scene, "Father" was beating up on "Mother" and The Kid had to intervene. RIGHT BEFORE THIS. I get maybe the director, writer, whoever was trying to set up a parallel between The Kid and his father, but...no. There's no way someone who just broke up a fight between their parents--and really, he stopped his dad from beating his mom--There's no way someone coming directly from a scene like that would then directly go on to beating on their own partner. Like you'd have to have zero self-awarness or life awareness. And while The Kid can be quite a dummy in both those areas....................maybe I just answered my question. UGH I LOVE IT CUZ IT'S SOOOOOOO BAD AND SOOOO DUMB

-Puppets?

What is this? And why wasn't there more????

That Awkward Moment (2014)

Sigh.

I was excited for this movie when I first saw the trailers. Why? I don't know. No, look, Miles Teller.

Look at him. I'm a little baby chick fan of his despite only having seen him in semi-bit parts in Rabbit Hole and Divergent. But I'm into and here for it and I like his...accent and attitude and I can't wait to see Whiplash and I hope it's better than this mess. I'm also sort of a fan of Michael B. Jordan? But also semi sort of for no reason??? I mean he was serviceable in Chronicle and good in Fruitvale Station - there! Reasons! Nothing weird or superficial!

Really, I am just trying to act like my superficial love of a bunch of actors in this movie has nothing to do with me watching this unintentional horror film and being scarred for life. Okay, I'm being a bit dramatic, but also, not even a little dramatic? It's totally okay to want to see a film sometimes because it has a bunch of ~hot young actors~ you think are at least a lil semi-talented, right? Like, this is why I watch a lot of things. No, not a lot. But a significant amount of things. It's okay to do this sometimes and I shouldn't feel bad about it and also I shouldn't have to feel like I deserved to be burned. RIGHT? 

Sigh. At least I didn't see this movie for Zac Efron. He was like, the last thing drawing me to the movie. This isn't 2009, 2010 anymore after he made 17 Again and I got really excited for his movie career. We're not there anymore. We're in the post Zac dropping a condom on the red carpet for publicity, getting muscley, then getting fat, then getting fat-muscley, dating famous lesbian Michelle Rodriguez, Charlie St. Abortion era. Like, whatever goodwill he built up with 17 Again was completely squandered by him making a ton of embarrassing, garbage choices. I haven't seen Neighbors yet, but I can just tell there's no way he elevates that film in any way. I'll be seeing that sure-to-be mess for Dave Franco and Hannibal Burress and that's it. 

So I saw this film to see my babies Miles, Michael B and Imogen Poots, who has the best name of all time? Or second-best, because Powers Boothe. Also there's a human being on earth named Wings Hauser. So, third best. Unless Wings is maybe not a human being? (An eagle??) Then we can bump Imogen Poots up to second best human being name on Earth! No, but what about that random Indian singer dude who has like some crazy name pulled out of Mary Poppins' creepy miscellaneous goods bag? Ugh, what is that dude's name...Humperdink Hinglefink or some shit. But it's not a good name, it's scary and he should be put down. OKAY! Let's...ugh, let's start talking about this piece of shit. I guess. 

Zac and his meaty man titties plays some idiot named Jason. Miles plays Daniel and Michael is...Mikey. Great. Jason is a ~player~, and Miles is...I guess, also a player, but he's not as "hot" as Zac...so he gets...he's like a player by proxy, and because HOT JASON acts as some weird alley-oop serving wingman character for him? Like, basically, if Daniel wasn't friends with Jason he'd never get laid - that is what they were giving me. Whatever. Mikey is...a doctor or some shit, right? Idfk, but he's married, but his chick--the wifey--is like: BYYYEEEEE! And she's taking up with someone Mikey likens to Morris Chestnut, but his white ass friends don't know who the fuck Morris Chesnut is until Mikey brings up Boyz in the Hood and...I just wish that entire exchange did not exist. 

Zac/Jason and Miles/Daniel work in advertising I think? Making book jacket covers? Wait. lol What do they do exactly? Book marketing? I'll just do MARKETING in caps anytime I have to recall their dumb job. Wait, before we get into their stupid jobby job, the three amigos are at a bar I think trying to console Mikey over the break-up of his marriage and get him back into the dating game. Some bitch with glasses hits Mikey up and you think it's going to turn into a thing but literally nothing happens with her character. She gives Mikey her number or some shit and then later we see him Facebook stalking her and then?????????? I don't understand the point of her character and, frankly, I don't want to!!! 

lol anyway, so Jason does his thing for Daniel I think and gets him a chick? Idfk, but the ~important~ part of this scene is Jason harassing Imogen Poots' character, Ellie. Imogen Poots is sooooo cute and charming and Hollywood is going to try to make her happen and I'm here for it. HOWEVER, if they're going to try to make her happen in Titanic-sinking icebergs like this and Need for Speed, she might as well stay her ass across the pond. 

So really, we're supposed to garner that Ellie is being harassed by someone not Zac Efron at the bar. Some guy boring her with some bullshit, and then Jason comes over like *ZAc EFron FaCE* and gets into some weird bit about...being in a longterm relationship and dying in your soul of boredom??? DUDE, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF CREEPY GARTH AND KAT ASS BULLSHIT THEY WERE DOING, but somehow it led to Ellie thinking it was a good idea to take Jason home and fuck him. With condoms, hopefully. So, after they fuck, Jason wakes up and sees some items scattered about Ellie's apartment that indicate to him she might be a high class escort. Okay. He promptly proceeds to freak-out. My thing is, SO???? So what? The only thing that made sense about him freaking out was his concern over not being able to pay her. But...he woke up while she was asleep. What kind of fucking prostitute falls alseep on her john before getting the money? And if she was a proz, and asleep, and you can't pay, WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCKING LEAVE? You think this bitch is going to contact the cops on your doofy ass because you didn't pay? Come on. And money concerns aside, who would really be mad if they found out Imogen Poots' attractive ass was a high class escort? Who wouldn't be excited about becoming a regular customer? Like, really, bro? 

After Jason does a weird piss in Ellie's toilet, he takes my advice and leaves his Pretty Woman high and dry. He left zero duckets on the nightstand table. Not even a courtesy tip. Not cool, bro. Then the next day at work she's, of course, there. AWKWARD, BRO. Ellie's a new employee or some shit idk. And Zac, mature, loud-whispers to Daniel/Miles: "DUDE, THAT'S THE PROSTITUTION WHORE I FUCKED LAST NIGHT." After that, I forget who pulls who aside but Imogen is basically like REALLY, BRO? Like probably everyone watching, and certainly like how I was. And then you know what Zac/Jason says to explain why he just dipped on her? "I THOUGHT YOU WERE A PROSTITUTION WHORE". He seriously just straight-up says to her face he thought she fucked for bux and instead of kicking his fucking teeth in Imogen gets mad for like two seconds and then...Zac invites her somewhere as an ~apology~? I forgot where he invites her (likely Popeyes or, if he was trying to be fancy, Red Lobster), but the key thing to focus on in this moment is that Imogen just immediately forgvies him. WHAT? WHEN? WHERE? HOW? AND WHY? He is so fucking rude and gross and despicable and non-charming and I don't get why she wouldn't have just wiped her hands of him. I see if Michael B. Jordan pulled some mess like this, maybe you'd be like 'okay, i'll give him a second chance', but Zac Efron? Eugh. 

So I forget a lot of what happens after this lol, but def, Jason and Ellie start hanging out and falling for each other and it's predictably gross. Jason is still a playa, but we see him sort of not wanting to be a playa anymore? Blech, wateva. And also there are some B and C stories involving the ~lessers~: Daniel and Mikey. Daniel is hooking up with his friend turned lover Girl from Halt and Catch Fire. Could not care less. But any Miles scenes are good even though his story is like ................ And Mikey is over there in the corner having ~naughty~ sex with his estranged wife in...offices or whatever and...sigh. What is less than "couldn't care less"? Whatever that is, that's me @ Mikey's storyline. But it's always great to see Michael B in scrubs. 

(my face the entire movie)

Can I get a new hospital show and he's the star but he's a ghost and, at some point, someone, Peter Sarsgaard, the racist hospital chief, calls him a "jiggaboo"??? And then Michael B makes a face like "nigga, you don't know how true". Omg, and the show is called Spook. *dying in my sleep*. If someone just made a straight-up racist show like this I would be so happy. And please at some point Peter Sarsgaard, a homophobe and closet lesbian, tries to fuck Michael's character but his dick just...goes right through him!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME I SHOULD BE THE HEAD OF TV. 

OKAY! So back to the sigh plot ugh. Um, at some point - wait. First, Ellie invites Zacharius to a party. A costume party? I don't know, but for some reason this asshole shows up wearing a strap-on penis dildo thing? No one else has on a costume, tho. And he looks like a fucking prick (p not inty). And I guess I can understand trying to act confident in this situation like FUCK IT, WHATEVER but...Ellie's parents are there. Why wouldn't he be like, wait b4 I meet your rents let me TAKE THIS FUCKING STRAP-ON PENIS OFF. Wtf? And, of course, he meets the parents and they sort of low-key like him? Especially the dad? Ugh, in what world? And then the dad dies. And then Ellie calls Jason about it and he's like ROBOT DOES NOT COMPUTE. And to his friends he's like "Should I go to the funeral? Eh, it'd be AN AWKWARD MOMENT". And I think they tell him to go support her, BUT HE DOESN'T???? I really do not understand Jason. I get that he's an emotional cripple, but he seemed to be slowly melting into a human being under Ellie's influence. At the point of her dad dying it seemed like they had formed enough of an intimate bond that he'd at least think to pop by the after-funeral reception and pay his respects. What's awkward is not going. The bitch wouldn't have called you about it if she didn't want you to come be with her. And then after he basically refuses to acknowledge his sort-of girlfriend's dad dying, he literally drops all communication with her. I DON'T GET IT. Jason is not drawn up as some hopeless bum character, he's basically presented to us as this douchey-ish, peter pan-ish, post-frat boy type. Not, like, Scar from The Fucking Lion King. Who doesn't show up to the funeral of their girlfriend's father? And let's be fucking honest, they were dating. This wasn't some casual fling. They were getting serious, but I feel like this movie was trying to construct it in a way so that ppl like me would feel uncomfortable labeling it as something ~serious~; so there's a vague "excuse" for his behavior. So obviously whoever wrote this movie is basically Jason in Real Life. Stop letting white guys under the age of forty write shit. Like, I was going to get specific and say "romantic comedy", but no, don't let them write anything. lol what if some like fifty year old Indian woman wrote this shit. Nah, according to Hollywood, these individuals do not exist. #politics 

So, to wrap this garbage up, Zac tries to slut his pain away. Even though the person who should really be in any sort of pain is Ellie but okay. And then he's like *Cher Horowitz moment* Oh my gosh, I love Ellie! Someone kick this bitch in his throat, fo real. He goes to apologize, she's like, BIG SPEECH BASICALLY SAYING FUCK OFF. But then I think he tries to apologize a second time and she's like SIGH, OKAY. Because: life. 

The best thing about this putrid turd were the ending credit "goofs", which were extremely horrible and boring and it's hilarious that the ppl responsible for this film thought it warranted end credit bloopers. The entire movie was a blooper, nigga. lol come on! The best was one featuring Miles and Zac filming a scene in a coffee shop by a window and something happens, I think paparazzi start taking pics and Miles makes some joke about how they're there for Zac, not for him, because no one cares about him. Oh, Miles. No one cares about Zac, either. He probably called them. And, like, pretended to be embarrassed. Like, omg paparazzi! Stahp it, Zachary. And now, arguably, Miles is totally bigger than Zac. Right?? If he's not yet, he will be soon, and I'm so happy. But don't fuck up, Miles. Don't pull a Zac. Don't get muscles. And don't do coke lol 

lol I'm laughing so hard right now

yes hahahahahaha

Needs more rough gay sex

So, this post is about, if you haven't guessed already, Exodus: Gods and Kings, a movie I saw.

Eughhh. Look, I don't give a shit about the bible and bible stories. Like, snooze, mah dude, snooze. I mean, I guess some of this Jesus & Friends shit can be made interesting. I was definitely inexplicably entertained by The Passion of the Christ, but overall...I don't care. If I'm going to see a movie about a dude who parted The Red Sea and it's not an inappropriate reference to statutory rape, you have to give me something else. Like, an interesting cast, or ~cool~ special effects, or, idk, Joel Edgerton in eyeliner. 

Or, more importantly, Ben Mendelsohn in eyeliner

Fuck a Moses, look at this^ Covergirl Queen. Also, accidental Animal Kingdon reunion??! Or, was this on purpose? Totally Ridley Scott saw Animal Kingdom and was like "cool" and then when he was casting for this mess he was like "oh, lemme get Xtian...and then...sigh what other actors? Oh, remember when I saw Animal Kingdom?" - he's talking to himself in the dark - "So I'll put some Aussie niggas from that film in my shit. Hmmm the...the best one. And then, that other one. The one who was killed like twenty minutes in??? Yes, he will be the second-billed star of my film. His white Australian ass will play like an Egyptian king or some shit. EPIC MASTERPIECE, CALLED IT!!!" 

No, I'm just kidding, Ridley did not think this deep about casting. He was just like to the casting people: "WHITE!" And they delivered. But I'm not here to talk about white-washing because I really don't give a shit at this point in the game. First let's focus on making actually good films. Consistently. Then we can tackle that whole "white ppl r king" thing that's been the rave in Hollywood since like the first day of Hollywood. But...wait. Maybe...maybe if this film had been cast more...ethnically...acurrate...would it have been better? Maybe. Honestly I think the badness of this film rests primarily on Ridley Scott's gross shoulders. He's just...sigh. Like, he's all about the special effects in my opinion. And they were cool...but like totally wasted because the movie was garbage. I know some ppl out there can love a movie if it only has cool visuals but *Katy Perry voice* NOT ME! Give me character, you piece of shit. Like, your little locust plague was cute buuuuutttt WHY DO I CARE NOTHING ABOUT HOW THIS AFFECTS ANYONE IN THE FILM? Oh, cool thing with that floppy dead baby. Sorry that I don't give a shit at all??? Because you gave Ramses nothing to work with?? For some reason this movie is mostly about boring insane ass (how both, idk) Moses???? Did Moses leave his family to, like, walk around and talk to some random, cunty little British boy? SINCE WHEN.

Wait. I am all over the place. Like this movie? No, that's reaching. This movie was pretty linear, I guess. Actually, I wish it was all over the place, then maybe I would have liked it, like, at all. I did like some elements. Do you want to know what they are? No? What do you mean no?? YOU'LL GET THEM ANYWAY!

-Ramses. Despite me saying up there how Ramses had nothing to work with, he was still Joel Edgerton, giving me bulky ass Warrior tease. 

And that eyeliner. Yes. I wished maybe this movie was all Ramses and we got to see him be really crazy and horrible and wearing like insane gold robes like that shit is okay. I am not familiar with Ramses as a thing. Like, I don't know his ~story~, but before Moses was banished I was semi-getting my life with Ramses threatening to chop bitch's hands off and him either being jealous of Moses or wanting to fuck him. OH! Speaking of rough gay sex: I'M SO MAD BECAUSE SERIOUSLY I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THIS STORY WOULD BE ABOUT AND IN THE BEGINNING MOSES AND RAMSES ARE IN SOME WAR/FIGHT THING AND THEY'RE EXCHANGING GLANCES AND SHIT AND EVENTUALLY MOSES SAVED RAMSES FROM BEING KILLED AND FOR SOME REASON I: 1. THOUGHT THEY WERE BROTHERS AND 2. WERE GOING TO DO INCEST ON EACH OTHER AT SOME POINT. None of this! None of it! Wtf??? I was srsly shipping them, then Ramses had to get in his anti-Semitic feelings when it was revealed Moses was a Jewface and send him packing. UGH. And then they're basically seperated the entire rest of the film save for that gay scene when Moses pushes his sword (penis) all up in Ramses's neck while he's caressing a horse or some shit, and then of course that final battle which was ultra gay and WHY DIDN'T THESE TWO JUST FUCK AND GET IT OVER WITH?!?! This movie really would have been amazing had Christian Bale and Joel Edgerton just engaged in the roughest fucking butt sex ever to be seen on film, smack dab in the middle of the movie. Like, it's twenty minutes long, and there's a cum shot. A bloody cum shot, because old timey old times.  

Ah, welll. I still liked Ramses even though he wasn't fucked up the ass (you know he's a bottom). Wish there was just more of him at home applying ointment to his bug bites. Honestly, a three hour long movie of just Joel Edgerton applying calamine lotion to mosquito bites? I will be first in line on opening day. Okay so I obviously lied about needing character. I am just super-shallow in other ways. Better ways, but still. 

-BEN MENDELSOHN. Like, the only real reason I went to see this shit. Lemme just post pics of him I just found of him wearing a FUCKING SHINY RED SUIT.

why

no

WHAT IS THAT MATERIAL? I HOPE IT'S A POLYESTER RAYON BLEND. Where do they sell that, Ben? Australian T.J.Maxx, like I don't understand. You are perfect? And I want to be dead?? 

So I saw this travesty solely for you. Like, sometimes being a fan of an actor/tress can be really daunting. Being a fan of Nicolas Cage makes me cry on the regular. But so far Ben movies have been mostly non-traumatizing. I think this was the first Benny Mendy(no) thing I've seen where I wished I didn't know he existed so I wouldn't be forced to watch his shit. Like, I am not actually forced. But I am. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. Ugh, anyway, when he showed up onscreen as Viceroy Hegep I was excited, because he was clearly playing a flamboyantly homosexual individual. I am almost certain at one point Ben feeds himself grapes?!?!? But at the same time of me getting excited about the character I was also like *two minute long sigh*. It was a mess, and also I knew his messy character would be disappeared for long stretches of the film and I was fucking right. At least I didn't watch this mess for Aaron Paul, who I am a fan of, but was burned by Need for Speed, so no more going to see movies just because of him. I feel bad for Aaron Paul fans who watched this just for him lol. Or fans of John Turturro (who are those??). And also maybe fans of Christian Bale?? I love...I strongly am into Christian Bale. I think he's definitelty in the top-tier of actors, but he's not like my ultimate Tom Hardy, who makes any role interesting, no matter what. If Tom had been Batman I wouldn't have been bored as fuck by him like I was with Christian's version. I feel like this is def a problem Christian has sometimes, especially playing like ~heroic~ characters - he's wayyyy too serious. This almost made me want to watch the sure to be shitty Charlton Heston version. Charlton Heston gets on my fucking nerves, but I can imagine his Moses is probably a CHARACTER and that is absolutely what I need for this kind of mess. Ugh, do I have to watch that now? I do, right? 

ugggh. why

Long story short, please do less shit like this Ben and especially Joel. Especially you, Joel. I'm not a superfan of yours yet. And making dreck like this shit and Gatsby is not going to endear you to me any better. I like you, but why??? Don't make me stop asking why. You gave me some sort of a performance with Ramses, tho, so...just keep doing that...but in non-shit. DO YOU UNDERSTAND, FATTY??

Oui? Okay, good. We're all friends.

Byee!!!

Don't. 

The Mortal Instruments: City of Please Stop

  

(cool motorcycle, Jace)

Full discloure: I mostly only watched this movie because of Robert Sheehan. Never do that. Also I really love that Ariana Grande song "Almost Is Never Enough" that she does with some weird crooner dude who is either 19 or 132. Like, he's a weird throw-back. And his eyes are soulless. But anyway, in the music video for that song there are some scenes from Mortal Instruments spliced in that looked semi-interesting. I guess..."Almost" is on the soundtrack? lol

This movie is terrible, like, right off the fucking bat. Lena Headey is around basically being Budget Keira Knightley and she has a terrible wig thing on. I guess there's some thing about redheads going on, ugh who cares. Anyway, she's Clary ~the heroine's~ mom. I think when the movie opens Clary is on the phone with someone and she takes a number down. I assume she was talking to what's his face. Ugh, Simon, right? Robbie Sheehan's piece of shit character. Anyway, her mom glances at the post-it note that Clary wrote her number down on and does Oh No! face at Mitchell from Being Human, who is here with some random skunk spunk stripe of white in his hair (I WONDER WHAT THAT'S ABOUT). Anyway, Clary's mom just snatches the note off the counter and like throws it away or something. I had no idea why she was freaking out because I didn't read the probably dumb ass books this movie was based on, but I do know Clary comes back into the kitchen and is like WHERE IS THE NUMBER I WROTE DOWN? But she, like, doesn't actually speak in CAPS. She just asks in a mild tone like once and her mom, terrible at lying, is like *I don't know face*. And that's just it. Clary does not further the investigation. UM, NO. If I took a number down on a post-it and left the room, then came back and it was just gone I'd look at whoever was in the room and be like OKAY, WHERE THE FUCK IS THE NUMBER I WROTE DOWN. OH, YOU DON'T KNOW?? THAT'S WEIRD! THAT'S REALLY FUCKING WEIRD! BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE (S) IN HERE AND MY NUMBER HAS DISAPPEARED SO ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS MUST'VE SEEN WHERE THE SHIT WENT! DID A GHOST COME THROUGH AND SNATCH IT AWAY?? AND IT'S LIKE, EVEN IF THAT'S THE CASE: 1, WHAT DOES A GHOST NEED WITH THE NUMBER TO A FUCKING POETRY SLAM OR WHATEVER AND 2. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BLATANTLY LYING ABOUT SEEING A GHOST STEAL MY NOTE?? I DON'T UNDERSTAND, PLEASE EXPLAIN. PLEASE EXPLAIN WHILE I STAND HERE AND WAIT FOR THE EXPLANATION INSTEAD OF JUST LEAVING AND NOT ASKING ANYMORE QUESTIONS.

So as you can see, I really hated Clary. I mean, she's basically Bella from Twilight but less twitchy. So, zero interesting qualities. Oh joy. Clary and Simon are going to some poetry slam thing. Ugh, it's so not even remotely a thing to care about. But it introduces us to Simon...who is clearly in love with oblivious Clary. He's being set up as three things: "a nerd", "comic relief" and "the nice guy", when they should've just chosen one dumb ass cliché and built a semi-legitimate character around that stereotype. But to give him really the basest bits of all those made him almost as much of a fucking nothing cipher as Clary. But at least he was played by Robert Sheehan, whom I love, but also hate. I feel like maybe he thinks he's a hotter commodity than he actually is?? Total Matthew Goode syndrome. If he's going to have ~American success~ or whatever his goal is, shit like this is not the move. But I digress! To ending this post? No! I wish! (No one is forcing me to do this and also no one asked for this so why am I pretending like I can't just stop........)

Anyway! Clary, who has reddish hair as a stand-in for a personality, and Simon leave the poetry place, which was supposed to be a "funny" scene...but it wasn't funny in the sense that the writers wrote something funny, it was funny in the sense that they thought they were writing something funny. So, ultimately, goal achieved! Anyway, they end up at some club. But we're underage, Simon is like. And Clary is like HAVE SOME FAITH. Or whatever and tries to slut it up for the doorman? I don't know ugh. But they end up getting let in because some douchebro with Storm from X-Men contacts overhears Clary being like "WHAT DOES THAT SIGN MEAN?" or whatever. It's the same sign she was doodling on the post-it note when she wrote the number down and GASP THAT'S WHY THE MOM STOLE IT? Wait. (?) ugh. So they go into the club and Simon goes off somewhere leaving Clary alone to witness some dude being murdered by Jamie Campbell Bower. She...screams????? Who screams? But this scene is so weird because Clary sees someone BEING MURDERED and THE MURDERER SEES HER SEEING HIM and then Simon rushes over like OH MY GOD CLARY WHAT HAPPENED and then suddenly they're outside and leaving and that's it????? I guess it can be explained away by the fact that clearly no one else but Clary saw this shit go down...but who the fuck just hallucinates vivid ass shit like that and then sort of just laughs it off???? Uggggggggggggggggggh

So the next day I think Clary wakes up and drawings of that sign she keeps doodling and saw at the club are all over her room. Like, hung up everywhere. And it's weird because she freaks out about it, and then...just puts a few of the drawings in her backpack and leaves her house? If I were Clary, I would 1, first suspect my artist mother of pulling some really strange prank. Some really creepy ass prank. But she doesn't even question her mom. OKAY, FINE. But 2, what about being way more freaked out about your room being covered in like hundreds of drawings you clearly don't seem to remember doing?!?!!? Okay, to be fair, Clary does appear to be appropriately freaked out about them later when she's at the coffee shop with Simon and Jamie Campbell Bower's skeletor looking ass shows up. She screams again. Like an entirely sane human being out in public. So. She goes from screaming at the sight of him to literally exactly one second later meeting up with him in the back alley of the coffee shop?????? ALRIGHT. Clary is like to Jamie Campbell Bower, whose fucking name is Jace, WHY DO I KEEP DRAWING THIS SIGN THING?? 

I don't remember how that scene went. I think Jace explains a bunch of the backstory for us dumb ass viewers. Clary's mom is..something. And so Clary is something. The sign thing means...something. It's called something but I forget and don't care. Jace is a shadowhunter, which means mostly nothing to me. But Jace is not a demon, so that means it's okay to hang out with him or whatever. And he's also not some boring, pedestrian mundane, so it's also okay to get wet for him. Yay!!! So while Jace is explaining all this shit, Clary's mom is receiving visitors back at the apartment. They're some demon dudes and they want some fucking cup she has. Clary's mom is all like I'LL NEVER GIVE IT TO YOU. I don't know, she gets into some crazy ass fight with these big ass dudes, smacking them with cast-iron skillets or whatever the fuck. In the midst of all this she tries to call Clary. Clary doesn't answer, so she rings up Simon, who's with Clary. Simon looks at his phone and is all like IGNORE! lol, oh my god. So, long story short, it's Simon's fault Clary's mom ends up in some weird Sleeping Beauty coma, floating in an alternate dimension that reminded me a whole lot of that floating sleeping bitch from 300. Remember? That floaty woman thing? Lena Headey was in that movie! Corporate synergy!!! 

So Jace tells Clary something about I forget. But she becomes suddenly worried about her mom and rushes home like a crazy person without even telling Simon - WHO IS STILL AT THE COFFEE SHOP JUST SITTING THERE WAITING FOR THIS BITCH - where she was going or what was happening. And maybe I'm weird for caring about Simon, but Clary states multiple times throughout this mess that Simon is like her bro, her fam. So...doesn't he matter just as much as your mom? But...is Simon really a legit part of the fam when he's pressing IGNORE swift as fuck when Clary's mom calls him? Actually, that's probably exactly what most dudes would do to their own mom. So, yeah. (So, yeah - what???)  

Clary goes home, her mom is gone. Lily Collins does some actory faces like "confused" and "distraught" and "but aren't my eyebrows the best tho". Then...the demons turn into some weird pitbull slime thing?? Ugh, I don't fucking even know, but Clary...instead of running for her fucking life from the apartment...sort of just...goes to the kitchen and starts trying to construct a bomb??? Or a fireball or something with the stove and some shit from under the sink. RIGHT. BUT, YOU DO KNOW CAUSING THIS MASS EXPLOSION IN YOUR KITCHEN WILL ALSO FUCKING KILL YOU. OH, WAIT, NO. BECAUSE YOU HAVE THAT REFRIGERATOR DOOR TO PROTECT YOU. NEVER MIND, CARRY ON! At no point does Lily Collins do "what the fuck is this movie?" face. BAD ACTRESS, THAT'S WHY. And the explosion doesn't even kill the demon pitbull snake intestinal colon thing. So. Waste of fucking time, you stupid fucking bitch. But I'd kill for your eyebrows, so at the end of the day

Jace, a stalker, shows up to the apartment and I think he kills the pitbull colon thing? I don't know, but something happens that gives Clary the excuse to bury her face in his manly...chest.?? She does "thank god you're here, grandma's been raped" face. It's fine. Then these crazy kids go downstairs to the apartment of the only black person in this movie who is only one creaky slave quarters step up from just Mel Gibson doing blackface and pulling sad white children to his bosom and saying things like "Tell mammy whatcho problem is, child". It's CCH Pounder, and it's Viola Davis' role in Beautiful Creatures, but worse because this movie is worse and CCH Pounder is a bit of a coon. I mean, the shit is entertaining, but I feel bad and sad. And her hair is a mess and her name is CCH. So much...problematic. Anyway, they go into CCH's flat and she gives Clary a tarot reading? And oh my god Jace is such a cunt to her. But it's funny. But not like funny funny. Just, he's rude and sassy and I was just sort of dying at someone walking into another person's home and just insulting their entire life immediately. And it's not like Jace and CCH are old pals who just rib each other all the time; they have never met and they aren't on that level of friendship yet. And now, likely, they never will be. So, good stuff. Unintentionally good stuff. 

So, at first this movie was really entertaining me. Because often I love really shitty terrible fucking things. They make me laugh, and this movie was making me laugh hard instantly upon it coming on. Like literally in the very first frame of the film I was like "oh my god, here we go" - it's that dumb and bad. But then once Jace takes Clary and Simon to the fucking shadowhunters' hideaway and Jared Harris showed up as whatever to explain the history of shit I was just like SIGH. Sigh in a bad way. And what - this is twenty minutes into a fucking 130 min long movie? NO. This shit should have been a cool 88 minutes, if that. Seriously, like half an hour in I'm like: What the fuck are they doing for the rest of the hour and forty minutes?? And I really should not be asking that with this sort of action-y supernatural genre. What they did with the remaining hour and forty minutes was nothing of note. Jace and Clary had some dumb flirtation. Kevin Zegers, my queen, showed up to be gay for Jace and have a pretty good ~British accent~ for no reason. There was a random hot chick named Isabelle probably who had fuck all to do. There was some yabble babble about the cup and Clary's mom and Jace's dad and OH, JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS. I was so excited when his dumb ass showed up doing minstrel show Tom Hardy with fucking braids in his hair getting sexual as hell with both Clary and Jace who are, apparently, both his fucking kids. 

Okay. Let's just talk about the incest thing. Look, incest is my fave. Hashtag wincest all day. You really know you're a terrible fucking movie when I'm not here for blood bros fucking each other. AND MAYBE CLARY AND JACE - sorry, Jonathan - AREN'T ACTUALLY RELATED?? I didn't read the books, but I embarrassed myself by checking some message boards and apparently Clary and Jace aren't actually bro and sis. Lame. Them being related actually adds some - any - interesting element to their bland ass boring ass no one gives a fuck fucking snoozemance. I couldn't get into any of this shit; I was too busy wondering the whole time why all the shadowhunters were wearing those ghastly S&M ass fucking outfits. Ugh, and when Clary was out walking with them and she bumped into that dude from the poetry slam and he was all taken aback by her fucking leather jacket or whatever. PLEASE. THEY SELL THAT SHIT AT FOREVER 21. Or Charlotte Russe, whatever. ugggggggggggggh. 

You can see I lost interest in covering what happens basically after the twenty minute mark. That's right about when I lost interest in watching the movie. But I have to finish any movie I start. And anyway, there were still things here I was excited to see even if the movie itself was not one of them. And let's talk about Godfrey Gao! WHOOOOOOO THE FUCK IS THIS DUDE AND WHERE HAS HE BEEN ALL OF MY LIFE? If he gets to be ~American famous~ then I'll forgive this movie for existing. Or can Kevin Zegers at least be in something I care about that's not a fucking Broadchurch exact rehash?? And Robert Sheehan? SIIIIIGH. No, I'll stop getting an attitude if you just give me Godfrey Gao. And no fucking CW shows. I'm not watching that channel, I refuse. Actually that's a lie I've totally watched some episodes of Jane the Virgin. It's a pretty cute show, but omg Rafael - this dude is like weirdly too pretty, right? Like how are you supposed to get romantic with a dude who has on more expensive lip gloss than you?? Wow, I'm not even talking about Mortal Instruments anymore. And neither is anyone else. They're apparently doing a TV series, and I'm disgusted with myself for being vaguely excited about it. If the casting is cute or interesting I might watch it. I don't know wtf America was thinking trying to make Lily Collins happen, but that period seems to be over now and I'm glad. There are so many interesting Brit girl actresses out there and you pick fucking Lily Collins?? And this character is not even English! There was no cool American talent out there? Someone with a fucking personality, perhaps? Come on, do better television series I'll totally be watching. Can we just make Kaya Scodelario finally happen? Or has Saoirse happened yet? The Host was garbage but Saoirse was perfect, as ush. See, you need to get a really captivating actress to make shit that is going to never not be bad, be not as bad as it very well will be. Or at least make Max Irons one of the dudes in the love triangle. He really uplifted the material of garbage like The Host and equally as garbage-y shit like Red Riding Hood by simply being there, being Jeremy Irons' spawn. Being from Jeremy Irons' ball sack. Where has this review gone? Help. 

lol, "review".