(cool motorcycle, Jace)
Full discloure: I mostly only watched this movie because of Robert Sheehan. Never do that. Also I really love that Ariana Grande song "Almost Is Never Enough" that she does with some weird crooner dude who is either 19 or 132. Like, he's a weird throw-back. And his eyes are soulless. But anyway, in the music video for that song there are some scenes from Mortal Instruments spliced in that looked semi-interesting. I guess..."Almost" is on the soundtrack? lol
This movie is terrible, like, right off the fucking bat. Lena Headey is around basically being Budget Keira Knightley and she has a terrible wig thing on. I guess there's some thing about redheads going on, ugh who cares. Anyway, she's Clary ~the heroine's~ mom. I think when the movie opens Clary is on the phone with someone and she takes a number down. I assume she was talking to what's his face. Ugh, Simon, right? Robbie Sheehan's piece of shit character. Anyway, her mom glances at the post-it note that Clary wrote her number down on and does Oh No! face at Mitchell from Being Human, who is here with some random skunk spunk stripe of white in his hair (I WONDER WHAT THAT'S ABOUT). Anyway, Clary's mom just snatches the note off the counter and like throws it away or something. I had no idea why she was freaking out because I didn't read the probably dumb ass books this movie was based on, but I do know Clary comes back into the kitchen and is like WHERE IS THE NUMBER I WROTE DOWN? But she, like, doesn't actually speak in CAPS. She just asks in a mild tone like once and her mom, terrible at lying, is like *I don't know face*. And that's just it. Clary does not further the investigation. UM, NO. If I took a number down on a post-it and left the room, then came back and it was just gone I'd look at whoever was in the room and be like OKAY, WHERE THE FUCK IS THE NUMBER I WROTE DOWN. OH, YOU DON'T KNOW?? THAT'S WEIRD! THAT'S REALLY FUCKING WEIRD! BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE (S) IN HERE AND MY NUMBER HAS DISAPPEARED SO ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS MUST'VE SEEN WHERE THE SHIT WENT! DID A GHOST COME THROUGH AND SNATCH IT AWAY?? AND IT'S LIKE, EVEN IF THAT'S THE CASE: 1, WHAT DOES A GHOST NEED WITH THE NUMBER TO A FUCKING POETRY SLAM OR WHATEVER AND 2. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BLATANTLY LYING ABOUT SEEING A GHOST STEAL MY NOTE?? I DON'T UNDERSTAND, PLEASE EXPLAIN. PLEASE EXPLAIN WHILE I STAND HERE AND WAIT FOR THE EXPLANATION INSTEAD OF JUST LEAVING AND NOT ASKING ANYMORE QUESTIONS.
So as you can see, I really hated Clary. I mean, she's basically Bella from Twilight but less twitchy. So, zero interesting qualities. Oh joy. Clary and Simon are going to some poetry slam thing. Ugh, it's so not even remotely a thing to care about. But it introduces us to Simon...who is clearly in love with oblivious Clary. He's being set up as three things: "a nerd", "comic relief" and "the nice guy", when they should've just chosen one dumb ass cliché and built a semi-legitimate character around that stereotype. But to give him really the basest bits of all those made him almost as much of a fucking nothing cipher as Clary. But at least he was played by Robert Sheehan, whom I love, but also hate. I feel like maybe he thinks he's a hotter commodity than he actually is?? Total Matthew Goode syndrome. If he's going to have ~American success~ or whatever his goal is, shit like this is not the move. But I digress! To ending this post? No! I wish! (No one is forcing me to do this and also no one asked for this so why am I pretending like I can't just stop........)
Anyway! Clary, who has reddish hair as a stand-in for a personality, and Simon leave the poetry place, which was supposed to be a "funny" scene...but it wasn't funny in the sense that the writers wrote something funny, it was funny in the sense that they thought they were writing something funny. So, ultimately, goal achieved! Anyway, they end up at some club. But we're underage, Simon is like. And Clary is like HAVE SOME FAITH. Or whatever and tries to slut it up for the doorman? I don't know ugh. But they end up getting let in because some douchebro with Storm from X-Men contacts overhears Clary being like "WHAT DOES THAT SIGN MEAN?" or whatever. It's the same sign she was doodling on the post-it note when she wrote the number down and GASP THAT'S WHY THE MOM STOLE IT? Wait. (?) ugh. So they go into the club and Simon goes off somewhere leaving Clary alone to witness some dude being murdered by Jamie Campbell Bower. She...screams????? Who screams? But this scene is so weird because Clary sees someone BEING MURDERED and THE MURDERER SEES HER SEEING HIM and then Simon rushes over like OH MY GOD CLARY WHAT HAPPENED and then suddenly they're outside and leaving and that's it????? I guess it can be explained away by the fact that clearly no one else but Clary saw this shit go down...but who the fuck just hallucinates vivid ass shit like that and then sort of just laughs it off???? Uggggggggggggggggggh
So the next day I think Clary wakes up and drawings of that sign she keeps doodling and saw at the club are all over her room. Like, hung up everywhere. And it's weird because she freaks out about it, and then...just puts a few of the drawings in her backpack and leaves her house? If I were Clary, I would 1, first suspect my artist mother of pulling some really strange prank. Some really creepy ass prank. But she doesn't even question her mom. OKAY, FINE. But 2, what about being way more freaked out about your room being covered in like hundreds of drawings you clearly don't seem to remember doing?!?!!? Okay, to be fair, Clary does appear to be appropriately freaked out about them later when she's at the coffee shop with Simon and Jamie Campbell Bower's skeletor looking ass shows up. She screams again. Like an entirely sane human being out in public. So. She goes from screaming at the sight of him to literally exactly one second later meeting up with him in the back alley of the coffee shop?????? ALRIGHT. Clary is like to Jamie Campbell Bower, whose fucking name is Jace, WHY DO I KEEP DRAWING THIS SIGN THING??
I don't remember how that scene went. I think Jace explains a bunch of the backstory for us dumb ass viewers. Clary's mom is..something. And so Clary is something. The sign thing means...something. It's called something but I forget and don't care. Jace is a shadowhunter, which means mostly nothing to me. But Jace is not a demon, so that means it's okay to hang out with him or whatever. And he's also not some boring, pedestrian mundane, so it's also okay to get wet for him. Yay!!! So while Jace is explaining all this shit, Clary's mom is receiving visitors back at the apartment. They're some demon dudes and they want some fucking cup she has. Clary's mom is all like I'LL NEVER GIVE IT TO YOU. I don't know, she gets into some crazy ass fight with these big ass dudes, smacking them with cast-iron skillets or whatever the fuck. In the midst of all this she tries to call Clary. Clary doesn't answer, so she rings up Simon, who's with Clary. Simon looks at his phone and is all like IGNORE! lol, oh my god. So, long story short, it's Simon's fault Clary's mom ends up in some weird Sleeping Beauty coma, floating in an alternate dimension that reminded me a whole lot of that floating sleeping bitch from 300. Remember? That floaty woman thing? Lena Headey was in that movie! Corporate synergy!!!
So Jace tells Clary something about I forget. But she becomes suddenly worried about her mom and rushes home like a crazy person without even telling Simon - WHO IS STILL AT THE COFFEE SHOP JUST SITTING THERE WAITING FOR THIS BITCH - where she was going or what was happening. And maybe I'm weird for caring about Simon, but Clary states multiple times throughout this mess that Simon is like her bro, her fam. So...doesn't he matter just as much as your mom? But...is Simon really a legit part of the fam when he's pressing IGNORE swift as fuck when Clary's mom calls him? Actually, that's probably exactly what most dudes would do to their own mom. So, yeah. (So, yeah - what???)
Clary goes home, her mom is gone. Lily Collins does some actory faces like "confused" and "distraught" and "but aren't my eyebrows the best tho". Then...the demons turn into some weird pitbull slime thing?? Ugh, I don't fucking even know, but Clary...instead of running for her fucking life from the apartment...sort of just...goes to the kitchen and starts trying to construct a bomb??? Or a fireball or something with the stove and some shit from under the sink. RIGHT. BUT, YOU DO KNOW CAUSING THIS MASS EXPLOSION IN YOUR KITCHEN WILL ALSO FUCKING KILL YOU. OH, WAIT, NO. BECAUSE YOU HAVE THAT REFRIGERATOR DOOR TO PROTECT YOU. NEVER MIND, CARRY ON! At no point does Lily Collins do "what the fuck is this movie?" face. BAD ACTRESS, THAT'S WHY. And the explosion doesn't even kill the demon pitbull snake intestinal colon thing. So. Waste of fucking time, you stupid fucking bitch. But I'd kill for your eyebrows, so at the end of the day
Jace, a stalker, shows up to the apartment and I think he kills the pitbull colon thing? I don't know, but something happens that gives Clary the excuse to bury her face in his manly...chest.?? She does "thank god you're here, grandma's been raped" face. It's fine. Then these crazy kids go downstairs to the apartment of the only black person in this movie who is only one creaky slave quarters step up from just Mel Gibson doing blackface and pulling sad white children to his bosom and saying things like "Tell mammy whatcho problem is, child". It's CCH Pounder, and it's Viola Davis' role in Beautiful Creatures, but worse because this movie is worse and CCH Pounder is a bit of a coon. I mean, the shit is entertaining, but I feel bad and sad. And her hair is a mess and her name is CCH. So much...problematic. Anyway, they go into CCH's flat and she gives Clary a tarot reading? And oh my god Jace is such a cunt to her. But it's funny. But not like funny funny. Just, he's rude and sassy and I was just sort of dying at someone walking into another person's home and just insulting their entire life immediately. And it's not like Jace and CCH are old pals who just rib each other all the time; they have never met and they aren't on that level of friendship yet. And now, likely, they never will be. So, good stuff. Unintentionally good stuff.
So, at first this movie was really entertaining me. Because often I love really shitty terrible fucking things. They make me laugh, and this movie was making me laugh hard instantly upon it coming on. Like literally in the very first frame of the film I was like "oh my god, here we go" - it's that dumb and bad. But then once Jace takes Clary and Simon to the fucking shadowhunters' hideaway and Jared Harris showed up as whatever to explain the history of shit I was just like SIGH. Sigh in a bad way. And what - this is twenty minutes into a fucking 130 min long movie? NO. This shit should have been a cool 88 minutes, if that. Seriously, like half an hour in I'm like: What the fuck are they doing for the rest of the hour and forty minutes?? And I really should not be asking that with this sort of action-y supernatural genre. What they did with the remaining hour and forty minutes was nothing of note. Jace and Clary had some dumb flirtation. Kevin Zegers, my queen, showed up to be gay for Jace and have a pretty good ~British accent~ for no reason. There was a random hot chick named Isabelle probably who had fuck all to do. There was some yabble babble about the cup and Clary's mom and Jace's dad and OH, JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS. I was so excited when his dumb ass showed up doing minstrel show Tom Hardy with fucking braids in his hair getting sexual as hell with both Clary and Jace who are, apparently, both his fucking kids.
Okay. Let's just talk about the incest thing. Look, incest is my fave. Hashtag wincest all day. You really know you're a terrible fucking movie when I'm not here for blood bros fucking each other. AND MAYBE CLARY AND JACE - sorry, Jonathan - AREN'T ACTUALLY RELATED?? I didn't read the books, but I embarrassed myself by checking some message boards and apparently Clary and Jace aren't actually bro and sis. Lame. Them being related actually adds some - any - interesting element to their bland ass boring ass no one gives a fuck fucking snoozemance. I couldn't get into any of this shit; I was too busy wondering the whole time why all the shadowhunters were wearing those ghastly S&M ass fucking outfits. Ugh, and when Clary was out walking with them and she bumped into that dude from the poetry slam and he was all taken aback by her fucking leather jacket or whatever. PLEASE. THEY SELL THAT SHIT AT FOREVER 21. Or Charlotte Russe, whatever. ugggggggggggggh.
You can see I lost interest in covering what happens basically after the twenty minute mark. That's right about when I lost interest in watching the movie. But I have to finish any movie I start. And anyway, there were still things here I was excited to see even if the movie itself was not one of them. And let's talk about Godfrey Gao! WHOOOOOOO THE FUCK IS THIS DUDE AND WHERE HAS HE BEEN ALL OF MY LIFE? If he gets to be ~American famous~ then I'll forgive this movie for existing. Or can Kevin Zegers at least be in something I care about that's not a fucking Broadchurch exact rehash?? And Robert Sheehan? SIIIIIGH. No, I'll stop getting an attitude if you just give me Godfrey Gao. And no fucking CW shows. I'm not watching that channel, I refuse. Actually that's a lie I've totally watched some episodes of Jane the Virgin. It's a pretty cute show, but omg Rafael - this dude is like weirdly too pretty, right? Like how are you supposed to get romantic with a dude who has on more expensive lip gloss than you?? Wow, I'm not even talking about Mortal Instruments anymore. And neither is anyone else. They're apparently doing a TV series, and I'm disgusted with myself for being vaguely excited about it. If the casting is cute or interesting I might watch it. I don't know wtf America was thinking trying to make Lily Collins happen, but that period seems to be over now and I'm glad. There are so many interesting Brit girl actresses out there and you pick fucking Lily Collins?? And this character is not even English! There was no cool American talent out there? Someone with a fucking personality, perhaps? Come on, do better television series I'll totally be watching. Can we just make Kaya Scodelario finally happen? Or has Saoirse happened yet? The Host was garbage but Saoirse was perfect, as ush. See, you need to get a really captivating actress to make shit that is going to never not be bad, be not as bad as it very well will be. Or at least make Max Irons one of the dudes in the love triangle. He really uplifted the material of garbage like The Host and equally as garbage-y shit like Red Riding Hood by simply being there, being Jeremy Irons' spawn. Being from Jeremy Irons' ball sack. Where has this review gone? Help.
lol, "review".
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