This isn't even a proper movie. It's just one long ass music video. Like, you could try to excuse it as a musical...I guess??? But the main character, played by Prince, doesn't even have a name????? HE DOESN'T HAVE A NAME. In the movie no one ever refers to him by anything. Except sometimes, maybe, "The Kid"? And on imdb.com that's what's listed as his character name....BUT WHOSE NAME IS JUST "THE KID"??? Did your shitty, crazy parentals name you "The Kid"? Like, is that on your birth certificate? You know, I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. See, this is why I have such a difficult time claiming this "movie" as one of my favorites. The first time I watched it I became instantly obsessed. It's very rare, but occasionally I'll watch a movie and it'll briefly become my entire life. The last time I think this happened was three or four years ago the first time I saw Hitchcock's Rope. I went insane for that movie and watched it like three times consecutively in less than two days. I never rewatch a movie right after seeing it. I mean, I rewatch movies all the time, but rarely ever do I watch something and then feel an intense, frankly embarrassing urge to watch it immediately again as soon as the credits start rolling. That happened with Purple Rain.
Let me try to figure out why! No, because seriously, I feel weird loving this movie so much. I even feel a little bit weird loving a movie like Rope so much, because I find my reasons to be primarily superficial. Like, Farley Granger and then...gay yelling stuff. It's great, whatever. And also, it's a legitimate film. Even though it's obviously just some sort of experiment Hitchcock was doing with tracking shots or whatever. Like, I get the feeling he didn't even really care what the characters were saying. (Does he ever????? LOL) But Purple Rain...sigh. No one cares what the characters are saying (I do - anytime Wendy or Lisa talk WHERE R THEIR OSCARS???), it's all about the music. And the music in this film is sublime, obviously, because Prince. But I don't like loving a movie because it has great music. I don't want to be one of those people. I refuse. So I'm going to talk about all the non-musicy stuff I loved. Like, when characters had dialogue and it was super terrible and embarrassing AND THE BEST.
Okay, sigh, so, non-music related stuff I loved. Oh boy, here we go.
-Morris Day.
Killing me softly at all times. First of all he's so cute with his little freckles but also having this thick ass mustache and that perm I CAN'T AND I WON'T.
And his outfits and stage swagger
and just his entire sass-cat demeanor in general. He's a scene-stealer for sure and possibly the only okay-ish actor in the movie. Or, he knows his part and plays it well...and probably he's just doing himself. But like a lighter version because surely in real life he legit murdererd people, something that's never brought up in the film but definitely hinted at, right??
Like how he just shows up to Apollonia's crack house...
...how does he know where she lives???? POTENTIALLY GOING TO MURDER YOU, GIRL. lol omg and then that scene in the alley where he definitely had designs on raping her until ~the hero~ "The Kid" showed up on his motorcyle and gruffly barked at Apollonia to get on. Yeah, let's leave one horrifying situation and pop on over to the next. But that's for later! I'm supposed to be talking about my love for Morris!
I'm assuming the character of "Morris" is based on Morris Day. Right?!?! My favorite thing about Morris is how insecure he is. They actually managed to pull off some subtle stuff with his character that I didn't totally notice the first time until I read some comments about it online (ugh, i know). But like all that stuff with him boasting about how successful and rich he is but you see him vacuuming his shitty apartment and then rolling up to Apple's in a car where Jerome has to manually pull the window down with his fingers. Sad lol. And then after The Kid's dad tries to kill himself or whatever and Morris strolls by his dressing room and makes that comment like "How's your dad?" or something like that and then we immediately see him afterwards looking remorseful. Like, why, Morris?? I just loved all those little bits of his character and the facade he put on that hinted at how self-loathing he was. I mean, obviously he was in love with The Kid, right? That's what this is all about. THAT'S WHAT ANYTHING IS EVER ABOUT.
Post script: He threw a woman in the garbage. Or, he had Jerome do it. STILL.
-Apollonia/Apple
So. Cute. Not just, like, face and body wise, but just her general overallness. I love how she shows up on the scene ditching out on paying cab fare and I'm just like Awwww. And just how naive she is, and her courtship with The Kid. She's so cute with him and sentimental and sweet and he's like..."here's an earring. Not even a pair. Just some shit I found on the floor, lol kbye"
I think she was a good foil to The Kid, who is a huge dick. Like, I try to imagine Vanity in the role and...I can't see her pulling off this sweet thing. It would've just been two assholes being assholes and I would've maybe not cared about the gross romance at the center of the "film". Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, probably Vanity would've been a better choice because I seriously spent the majority of the time I wasn't obsessing over the music, being seriously concerned for Apollonia's well being. But I think all her struggles is why I liked her; Prince treating her like shit made me care about her character. And...also I loved the actress' accent. Where is she from? Michigan? Let me go look it up ugggh. Hmmm imdb tells me Santa Monica, Cali. Isn't that where...The Parkers were from? They had suspiciously country accents. But...I don't think the actresses were actually from California. Do ppl from Santa Monica have like some weird Hillbilly meets Valley Girl sort of hybrid accent thing going on? Eye dee kay, but she definitely has a weird sort of dorky affectation in her voice and it was so cute. lol I guessed Michigan. What even happens there? Don't tell me, I don't want to know!!
-The Kid's "Father" and "Mother"
When The Kid goes home after the initial concert in the beginning is when I got really into the film. You gave me some good music, and some terrible little spurts of dialogue mixed in and I was enjoying myself. Like, Apollonia taking fifteen minutes to tell The Kid she liked his performance and he's not even standing behind her anymore - muah, beautiful. But I didn't get truly excited about the movie until Prince/The Kid goes home and his BLACK DAD and WHITE MOM are arguing and the dad (note: these characters are named, simply, "Father" and "Mother") is getting rough with the mom. Prince's little ass tries to step in and gets promptly pushed to the floor. This entire sequence made me so happy and it's when I knew I was truly going to enjoy myself for the rest of the film.
I don't even want to get into this sort-of cliché of a black man beating on a white woman (is that even a cliché lol i have no idea)...the parent's relationship was...problematic...for various reasons. But the gist is that "Father" used to be some great musician guy thing. Essentially he was The Kid, but he got in his own way, probably drinking and being crazy and whatnot, and blocked himself from achieving true success. So he's a failure, but he appears to be blaming his wife for his faults? He says things like "WHY WON'T YOU LET ME BE GREAT?"...something like that. But it's super hilarious. Like, what is this bitch stopping you from? She certainly cannot physically restrain you in any way...and if you're implying she has some sort of emotional hold on you...I still don't see how that keeps you from creating music. If anything, your shitty fucking relationship should inspire you. WHATEVER. The main thing to focus on here is Prince prancing around in high-heeled boots and blouses and skin-tight tank tops trying to get big with his dad, fighting him off the mom. It's INSANELY RIDICULOUS, HE LOOKS RIDICULOUS. Omg when he comes home and is like "WHERE ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKER??" and, like, SPINS AROUND ON HIS HEELS. Ugh, god, amazing.
Oh, I just remembered the dad was bitching at the mom about her not believing in him. Well, you're a loser, pal. So. But I guess that's what a lot of their fighting was about?? Um, if I had a spouse (never) and they were like "you disappoint me, you suck blah blah blah" (they literally say exactly this) this would either make me want to leave them immediately, or, I DON'T KNOW, try to make them proud. Like, maybe, I DON'T KNOW, getting back to work on my music?? I have no idea why I'm semi-seriously trying to discuss their relationship, they don't even have that much screentime. (Does the mom even have lines lol like I do not fucking remember??) And whoever made this movie clearly had no intentions on building, like, actual characters. Like, giving them legit backstories and reasons and stuff. Seriously, where did Apollonia come from???? Does she have parents? Kids? And how old are these people? Again, no real concern for the characters - this movie was just a vehicle for a Prince concert so maybe I should calm down asking literally any questions about anything that happened ever.
Hmm, so I said I didn't want to focus on the music of a fucking...musical. But...I had a huge issue with some of the songs performed. I feel like...siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. So, there's no way a script was presented to Prince and he was like "okay, let me write some songs to go with the film...like to fit in with the story". However, I also don't think there was a reverse situation of the songs already having been written and recorded and then someone is like...let's write a movie around it. No. The songs and this movie were clearly made separate from one another and then when they came together there were only vague, very lazy attempts to get them to sync up. It's very obvious in the songs The Kid performs that are supposed to be directed at Apple/about his personal life.
Take, for instance, "The Beautiful Ones".
So...The Kid performs this really emotional, sort of pleading song about a beautiful woman hurting him and asking her to choose which mate she prefers and it's gorgeous and he's being really extra on the stage and it's all clearly directed at Apple and she's fucking crying in the audience... OKAY, BUT, at this point in the game The Kid and Apple have known each other for like 2.2 seconds, total. And...it seems The Kid is singing this song because she's sitting at a table with Morris? What? So??? I don't even know why The Kid dislikes Morris (no, okay, I do) but I don't buy their...arch-nemesis thing they have going on. And anyway, Apollonia is merely sitting at a fucking table. SITTING AT A TABLE. And she and The Kid aren't even officially booed-up yet, so why the fuck is he getting all up in his feelings like this?? Like, no. No, no, no.
And then when The Kid performs "Darling Nikki"..............
What is even all of this. LOVE THIS SONG, but what is all this extra-ness? Who is this masturbating with a magazine?? And why does Apple take all his songs at word and get super tear-y, running off and shit...instead of rolling her eyes like "nigga, plz"????? Why doesn't Apple heckle his performance by shouting "SPARE ME!"?? And why, even on stage, is The Kid always and forever a piece of shit? What sort of boyfriend are you? I forgot when this performance happened in the film. Was it before or after Apollonia performed with her shitty girl group? Was this before or after he slapped her ass up? He definitely performed this as a "fuck you", but it literally could've been for any reason because he stayed mad. Like, maybe Apollonia went to Taco Bell without him?? Maybe The Kid sneezed and Apple didn't say bless you??? WHO KNOWS. But the performance is still mean. I mean, are you humping the stage, my guy??
And "Purple Rain", the titular...song. UUHHHH, SO. Two things: 1, before The Kid per---NO, MULTIPLE THINGS. 1, before The Kid performs this song he is all like "Wendy and Lisa wrote thisblah blah" STOP. How dare you not get down on your fucking knees and start eating out their vaginas right there on stage??? Like you were a MASSIVE COCKAZOID TO THEM and then you're like "oh, I liked that little song you did, I guess I'll write over it and make it all about me even tho I said it's about my dad even though clearly it has nothing to do with my dad"???? Ugh, I'm all over the place. What are my other points? 2, WHAT IS PURPLE RAIN? Too much caps, but, seriously, what is purple rain? I read that a scene was cut where The Kid and Apple are fucking (vomit) in a barn (vommmmmmmmmmm) and in the background it's raining and the rain is purple (ugh). Okay. So. Why was that scene cut? I'm not saying it was needed to make this song make sense. It's a great song and I love how it fits the downbeat, emotional tone towards the end of the film. But also I feel like...sigh. It fits if you ignore a lot of things. And...to be fair, maybe it does make more sense if you really pay attention to the lyrics, which I only vaguely have. Like, I haven't looked them up to read them online yet so maybe..............................................I just, he starts the song off dedicating it to his dad and...it doesn't have anything to do with any of that. And then, the people in the audience are getting emotional like they all knew The Kid's dad.............siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh, I just....
Oh, this is about stuff I liked about the movie. So, I guess, I liked that the music seemed to not really gel at all with the story???/
-"The Lake Minnetonka" scene
Did I like this scene? lol uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wait, you know what I did like? In that sort of way I like Nicolas Cage movies like? The Kid's ENTIRELY DICKISH PERSONALITY.
-THE KID'S ENTIRELY DICKISH PERSONALITY
It's actually a vaguely brave choice to have a protagonist in this type of cheesy film who is a total piece of garbage lol
No, seriously, The Kid is never not rude, mean, condescending or dimissive.
Take sweet Jill.
She's all like: "Soandso was looking for you" and The Kid is all like "That's nice". Who says "that's nice" when someone tells you your boss or whoever is looking for you? It's not only dimissive of your employer, but also Jill, who is simply relaying a message. And you're treating this bitch like she's an answering machine: "lol delete". Couldn't care less. And then he also says other things like "Why would Wendy and Lisa give you a tape?" as if Jill is the scum of the earth. Why are her dirty plebeian hands on this mix Wendy and Lisa did? Why would they even talk to you??? It's SO RUDE. And it doesn't help that Jill obvi has a crush on The Kid. I feel like, he's cute. He's a little elf wearing eyeliner, but he's totally cute. However, Jill works with this dude and sees him on a daily basis. Surely, she would have lost that crush a long time ago. I mean, just the blouses alone. COME ON, JILL, DO BETTER.
Speaking of Wendy and Lisa. Up there, remember? When I had mentioned them???
My lesbian babies. WHY. DOES. THE KID. GET SO UPSET. WHEN HE FINDS OUT. THEY'RE WORKING. ON A SONG TOGETHER???? Plz explain. Wendy, I think, earlier in the film, implies that maybe The Kid has trust issues? But what exactly is he worried about here? That Wendy and Lisa will go off and do their own thing? UM, NEWSFLASH, TREATING THEM LIKE SHIT INSTEAD OF LISTENING TO THEIR IDEAS WILL CAUSE THEM TO DO EXACTLY JUST THAT. God, I can't with The Kid. What a dummy head. But, I thank him, because his behavior gives me so much great bitch face from Wendy and Lisa. It's, like, all they do. And it's beautiful.
4ever
So, The Kid is a douche burger to his employers, Jill, his bandmates. And it's great, I love it. I loved yelling at him...yelling at my TV screen at him. It's one of my fave things to do while watching stuff. I'll kill myself l8r, but right now I want to talk about when The Kid's meanness went next level and I was having the time of my life screaming at the TV screen that "SHE JUST BOUGHT YOU A GUITAR!!"
So, before I get to Slap Gate, I must discuss Lake Minnetonka Gate.
NO. UNACCEPTABLE. This entire scene is sooooooooooo problematic, and totally foreshadows abuse down the road. And down the road in this case is, like, literally two days later. Jesus. I both liked and hated this scene. I hated it for all the obvious reasons: The Kid is a piece of shit, and his treatment of Apple makes me hella uncomfortable. I mean, no one told this bitch to jump in the water, but why did he proceed to steal her clothes, and then when she tries to get on the motorcycle he speeds up away from her like three times before she can get on and then when she does he's all "Don't get my seat all wet" and he's not even joking. Like, she better not get his fucking seat wet.
Is this supposed to be...cute and romantic? LOL. I think that's why I liked this, because you can tell whoever made this mess legit thought maybe they were on their romcom shit. Like, could you imagine Jen Aniston as Apple and Ryan Reynolds as The Kid? GARBAGE, 33 MILLION DOMESTIC. SEQUEL WHERE THEY HAVE A BABY AND VINCE VAUGHN IS THE GODFATHER AND HE ACCIDENTALLY GETS THE BABY KIDNAPPED AND EIGHTEEN YEARS LATER HE HAS A NEW GIRLFRIEND AND WOW THEY SORT OF LOOK ALIKE THIS IS WEEEEEIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRDDDDDD
I'm...still not entirely sure why I loved The Kid being a dick. I guess it was just entertaining to me in a terrible Lifetime movie sort of way. I think it's why I liked anything that happened in this movie that wasn't music. Take the slapping scene when Apple presents The Kid with a guitar.
He's all like "how did you afford this?" If this were a Lifetime movie or that Chris Brown/Rihanna episode of SVU you'd be all like "UH UH, WATCH OUT, GIRL". I truly was not expecting him to slap the teeth out of her fucking mouth, like...where---HE DOES THIS ENTIRELY THREE SECONDS AFTER HE GETS THE GUITAR. This bitch bought you a crazy-cool gift, unprompted, and you're excited. You love it! Why ask how she paid for it? Okay, maybe it's just something to say, or maybe he was really concerned for her finances - whatever. Oh, no, omg. I was remembering it wrong for two seconds thinking he got mad about how she paid for it. NO. He gets insanely angry because she tells him she's going to work with Morris. Did she...is that why she bought him the guitar? Sugar before the cough syrup or some bullshit like that? THAT'S NOT THE POINT. Why hit her? And, again, what is this obsession/hate for Morris? And it's not even really about Morris; The Kid thinks he owns Apollonia. My thing: right before this scene, "Father" was beating up on "Mother" and The Kid had to intervene. RIGHT BEFORE THIS. I get maybe the director, writer, whoever was trying to set up a parallel between The Kid and his father, but...no. There's no way someone who just broke up a fight between their parents--and really, he stopped his dad from beating his mom--There's no way someone coming directly from a scene like that would then directly go on to beating on their own partner. Like you'd have to have zero self-awarness or life awareness. And while The Kid can be quite a dummy in both those areas....................maybe I just answered my question. UGH I LOVE IT CUZ IT'S SOOOOOOO BAD AND SOOOO DUMB
-Puppets?
What is this? And why wasn't there more????
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