OMG ARE JAKE AND MAGGIE EACH OTHER'S DATES??? No, I'm not still watching Red Carpet. I PUT IT ON MUTE SO THAT COUNTS AS NOT WATCHING IT. oh boy, there are going to be sooo many caps tonight. THERE BETTER BE.
Edward Norton is still hot but he's like jowly now, right? Am I into the jowls???? Fuck I'm just glad he's nominated for something. PLEASE HAVE A LEGIT COMEBACK. No, I know you didn't go anywhere. But...a little bit you did? Like, were you fifth billed in that Jason Bourne remix with Renner? ehhh
So, still totally not watching this red carp cov. VIOLA IS SOOOOO GORGEOUS. She had on that cute ass pink at The People's Choice Abortion (WHICH I ALSO DID NOT WATCH) and now she has on this beautiful red. It really blends well with her skin tone. The whiteys will try to keep up BUT THEY WILL FAIL. Except Tilda if she comes. And Marion. Is Marion coming? PLEASE MARION BE HERE. Ugh, I feel like she wasn't nominated for anything. This is bullshit, Marion should be nominated every year just for being alive. Come on!
Seriously. These "interviews". They ask Patricia Arquette some vaguely deep question like "Did you see yourself in the film" and Patricia is like I SAW EVERYONE GET DIVORCED AND HAVE KIDS and then the interviewer is like [too short beat] "Patricia Arquette. WHO ARE YOU WEARING?" So cringe-y. Can't.
And Matt, that newsperson whoever, just tried to make a joke about having a prosthetic nose??? #haha
OMG WHEN CARSON DALY WHO USED TO BE ON TRL TALKED TO JANE BEFORE RICKY. You can tell Ricky was legit offended. I can't even imagine being in a longtermy ass relationship with him lol omg #feel4ujane
O h s h i t David Oyelowo's voice. Does he...sound exactly like my childhood doctor? Now i'm uncomfortable. That dude used to feel my stomach? What medical test is that, my guy?
Um, the actual Globes
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deep slam @ The Interview. Is it a slam if it's true? That movie looks like gar-bage.
FRANCES MCDORMAND.
slam @ Brits doing ~aMeRiCAn ACCents~~. Yes.
WES ANDERSON OMG HE ACTUALLY EXISTS.
Yes more Clooney slams. Even better than last year. I hope he's just straight up shot in the face next year. #fingerscrossed
Farrell or Firth? NO BRAINER, FARRELL. Get that king's speech shiz out of here.
NORTON OR RUFFALO? Jowls.
Yes, Cosby slam. SO MANY SLAMS. lol Tina's impersonation. It's like, racist? Or am I talking about when she did Tyler Perry? #cringefacemixedwithpleasedafterpoopingface??
Lizard King....this shit is awkward, right? Like, I thought this was planned...but Jen can't do improv? And Lizard King is sweaty and talking while she's talking oh goddd
omg JK Simmons told ppl to shut up and I feel like they got upset really quick???? AMAZING. YES, MILES SHOUT-OUT.
JLO AND JEREMY YES MY DREAMMSMSMSMSMS. OMG JEREMY LAUGHING YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!! IS JEREMY DRUNK??? I LOVE HOW HE BLATANTLY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT READING THE TELEPROMPTER PROPERLY. lol why do I think someone has to be drunk to not give a shit about the globes????
YES, FARGO! lol calm down oh god I'm about to max out my caps (this isn't a thing, but it should be) Wait, is Martin Freeman not here? ugggh he's too cool for the globes and he has a life and stuff probably. WHY.
OMG NO JEREMY STOP PRETENDING YOU'RE STRAIGHT. Straight dudes don't refer to women's breasts as "globes". #can't
Exactly, Billy Bob. But also you're probably racist, right? Like, you can't talk for longer than a minute without saying something racist, right? lol
Is this....is this Movies Wow person thing...racist? It is, right? And it's not even funny so....................... #cringe #nopleasedafterpoopingface #teamkoreans #butonlysouthkoreansletsbehonest
DON CHEADLE SAID SOMETHING TO EMILY BLUNT WHAT WAS IT OMG THIS IS LIKE THE END OF LOST IN TRANSLATION INSTEAD I ACTUALLY CARE THIS TIME
lol why is everyone standing up clapping? I entirely ignored everything he said. #noregrets
Edie Falco is really cute, right? I need someone to tell me: yes or no, she is or is not cute.
Oh, shit, Jane the Virgin won. I've only seen three eps of that show but let's just address how the true star of that show is obviously the mom. But Jane is cute, so, I guess.
"Thank you God for making me an artist" oooh boy
GABY FUCKING HOFFMANN BETTER BE HERE, THAT'S ALL I KNOW. No Gaby, so I don't care. Eventho I def need to see this show. But, ugh, Amazon Prime.
PRINCEEEEEEEE! ARE U FUCKING KIDDING MEEEEEEE AND DOES HE HAVE A BLIND PERSON CANE OMFFFFFFGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOODDDDD
oh boy Common is extra as hell
Chrissy Teigen is really cute. That's all I got.
Both Katie Holmes' and Seth Meyer's names should just be "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
I can't w8 for Bomer's Monty Clift movie. If it's good I can't wait to rave, but I semi-super hope it's terrible so I can lose my mind complaining. ALL CAPS.
OMG MATT JUST WON. lol srsly lose a bunch of w8 ALL THE AWARDS. Who should've won was Joe Mantello. But he wasn't even nominated becuz Hollywood is super basic and I guess that's why I'm sitting here watching this shit. #someregrets
*Ricky squee* NO, SAY STUFF!!! omg i love him.
AMMMMMYMYMMYMYYYYY!!! If a child abuse scandal or something horrible like that happened with Amy I'd still love her. Prob, I'd love her even more. #lesbihonest
omg Jon Voight slapping Colin Hanx a lil???????? #teamchet
oooooh Kate Hudson looks cute.
Special tribute to George Clooney??????????????? *Tommy Lee Jones face* lol did I just hope he gets shot in the face earlier up there? Earlier in the notes??? At least it's not fucking Jodie Foster. But oh boy...I bet Clooney'll make some long ass awkward speech right? So, worse than Jodie because at least she's vaguely interesting. And she's friends with RDJ and acclaimed racist Melly Gibsons. Who is Clooney friends with?? It's already been proven he doesn't actually hang out with the Jolie-Pitts, so I've got nothing. BORING!
No, omg take this North Korean person joke thing away. I HATE IT. Wait - is that Margaret Cho? *Walter White's horrified face*
Yo, Alejandro Iñárritu can def get it. Let's go, let's do this.
Can Get It, Part deux: Jane Fonda.
Oh, shit, slam @ men in comedy. #yep
How the fuck did William H get a nom for Shameless but not Emmy? HER NAME IS EMMY. Okay, yes, this is the Globes, SO I'LL DIRECT MY CAPS AT THE EMMYS WHO ALSO DID NOT NOMINATE HER. #thefuck?
LUPITA AND COLIN! #dreamship???
I'm looking over these notes and wondering: 1, am i bi-polar? Like, do I have a serious mental problem? (Yes) 2, why don't I just get a Twitter? (cuz Twitter sux and fuck 140 characters) 3, no I def have a mental problem 4, oh well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ADRIEN BRODY!!!!! ugh I loved him in Grand Budapest. I'm so glad he still gets invited to these things *condescending smile*
ooooh, I think I want Frances to win for Olive Kitteridge. She was amazing. But J Lange!! ugh, idk
hmmm Maggie won. She was good, but...not better than Frances. I'm not mad though, I didn't even know that fucking show got nominated for anything so...cute.
If I were really weird (I'm not????) I would write Maggie/Jake erotic fanfic. Also, if I could imagine Jake having heterosexual sex. Nope, before you ask, not even in an incestuous scenario. Not even squinting and imagining Maggie as a boy. Maybe if Sarsgaaaaaaaard is standing crying in the corner. Def if he's weepily, slowly jacking off. OKAY, IT'S HAPPENING.
I feel like if anyone is the "complicated woman" in Maggie and Peter's relationship it's Peter. *Jake Gyllenhaal face*
The Affair won but................................................................. at least I get to see cute shots of Diane Kruger getting all excited and kissing up on her beau. But srsly, The Affair annoyed me. But I didn't see any of those other nominees so I can't say shit. Maybe it was the best out of the other four shitty-looking shows???? I would've been okay with Ruth getting a nom/win, tho. She's perfect. UGGGGH. #conflictedfeelings #youdoknowshowslikehannibalandrectifyexistright?????
WAIT. HOLD UP. I THOUGHT BEN AND ROBIN BROKE UP??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? AND OMG HIM LIKE STARRRRRING AT HER REALLY LONG AND HER IGNORING HIM? OMG I'M READING SOOO MUCH INTO THAT!!! He is going to kill her. Omg I can't wait, scandals are fun!
George Clooney's friends: The Good Wife and Don Cheadle. I love Don Cheadle, but there's no way he gets an invite to Lake Como, so that doesn't count. And who the eff cares about Julianna Margulies? Well, a lot of people, I guess. BUT *Katy Perry voice* NOT ME!
Oh god seeing Sam Rockwell is just making me depressed that fucking George Clooney is being honored with a lifetime achievement award. A lifetime achievement award for what? Being consistently mediocre? #gag Ugh they're giving me Tilda and Vera and they're all soooooo much more important than him!! INFURIATING.
OMG William H rubbing Felicity's back a lil. I entirely forgot they were married. lol I love how I am not paying attention to this speech at all in any way. He seems to be trying to do jokes?? Also, is he throwing shade? But in like a smug White Guy way? #blah
ew omg him talking about love I WANT TO DIE OMG THIS IS THE WORST. He just used the word "alchemy". I just.........
oh! Ruth was nominated! OKAY lol. OMG RUTH WON! Good, she's great on The Affair. But ugh I so wish her character wasn't into Noah because he sux and should be dead :) lol I love how her speech is maybe a little obnoxious? #iloveit
omg Michael Keaton's speech. At first I was like: omg this is long and weird. And then I realized this is probably his first big award moment and omg when he said his son was his best friend. This was the cutest thing I have ever seen. Omg I almost got emotional. Like, I almost felt an emotion. #progress
I reaaaally need to see Foxcatcher. I'm so excited for Carrell's creepiness. His "...Mark." in the trailer. *Danny Castellano voice* "Chilling".
OMG GRAND BUDAPEST WON. WES ANDERSON IS GOING TO SAY STUFF!!! MAYBE EVEN RALPH?!?!?!?! lol omg this Grand Budapest win may be my fave moment of the night. lol is that sad? But Goldblum and Schwartzman and Fiennes all on stage and Wes doing "jokes" in his Wes way and ugggggggh the only thing that was missing were ZERO AND AGATHA. Come on! Suddenly, my worst moment from the night. *Zero face*
I love Julianne Moore but I'm not tryna see Still Alice. It looks really try-hard. And Kristen Stewart appears to have more than zero lines?? Less than zero times will I be watching that mess.
*Edie Falco face*
Oh shit Gwyneth Paltrow looks really cute. #apocalypsenow
Hmm Eddie won. I'm excited for his speech but it's prob gonna be extra posh and obnoxious. Me, always at him: At least he has on that amazing suit.
*Jake G not winning face*
omg Eddie called Felicity a "formidable actress". So posh and sooooo true. Can't w8 til Felicity blows up next year. RIGHT?!
omg what the fuck kind of conversation were Jake and Maggie having?!!?! THIS IS ALL I CARE ABOUT AND ALL I WILL EVER CARE ABOUT.
Wow, I'm really ready for this to be over :)
True star of the night: This random old guy who gave money to Dickie Linklater to make Boyhood.
omg, Margaret Cho. #why??
Alright, I'm going to watch Girls and Shameless siiiiiiiiigh
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