Foxcatcher (2014)

I...think I really liked this movie? lol, it was...this was one of the most uncomfortable/depressing movie-watching experiences of my life - AND I LIVED!! This is the type of entertainment I neeeeeeeed!!! I felt, after watching this, how I feel after watching some relentless-ass Lars von Trier movie: rejuvenated. 

This movie is almost funny in how depressing it is. Like, that whole sequence where we follow sort of a ~day in Mark's life~ where he gets paid twenty sad ass dollars to speak to kids at a school (they weren't even expecting him - they wanted his brother!), then he goes to train with Dave and he's all frowny face and downbeat and then after that he goes home to his gloomy ass apartment and eats like ramen noodles he poured some lukewarm water over and I'm not sure it even cooked? Like the noodles might've been dry??? And then I think maybe later he's playing on some old-school gameboy? Kill. me. 

Why...is Mark's life so fucking depressing? What is this? lol. It's so over the top. I wonder if it was an aesthetic choice by the director? Cuz, you know, I saw some pics of the real du Pont and he...he was an attractive-ish sort of dude, in like a Tour de France sort of way. I definitely get creepy vibes, but the way Steve Carell portrays him is like if Alfred Hitchcock and Danny DeVito's Penguin had twin babies and one twin ate the other one, and what that twin shit out after eating his bro is John du Pont. Like, it's so severe and horror film. And I think...Mark's daily depressionthon was exaggerated to sort of match. Like, this movie is a horror film and everything is sort of heightened, right? Or...is this film like totally accurate to real-life? Like, why do I find it so hard to buy Mark's grey, melancholia ass life? And just because photos of du Pont make him seem more Vincent Cassel-sassy/charming, than bird-stuffing creepy, doesn't mean it's so. But whether this movie is true to real-life, or exaggerated for effect: I love it. Love. it.  

Okay, but I have a few questions. So let me ask them to the void. 

-What was up with Mark? Like, what was his deal? Why was he so sad? Rq can we talk about how perfect lunkhead Channy Taters is for this type of role? Like, I almost regret calling him a lunkhead because Stockard Channing seems like a really good dude. However, I am still, to this day, confused about his status as a ~movie star~. It's so bizarre, right? Like, he came up from Step Up, right? Have you seen that movie, or him in it?? How...how has he come so far? I guess 'cause he's a good dude? Tbh, being a ~good dude~ is not...something that should be considered when casting roles, imo. But I don't work in the movie industry...so...maybe it's better to get the chill dude over the more talented, but problematic dude? But, like, that's why so many movies are super-terrible? This movie is one of the exceptions, though, and Charmander was perfectly cast. Coincidentally? Probably. Do I think Bennett Miller knew he'd be good? No. I think he likes to play around with perceptions people have about certain actors and tries to pervert them. But he accidentally was successful here with his random choices, so good job being lucky!

Back to Mark being a freak. Why did he have zero self-esteem? Like, hadn't he already won a bunch of medals and shit? Or am I remembering wrong and it was just Dave? Idk. I do know he was trying to get out from under Dave's shadow, but I'm so confused how he had motivation to train when he seemed clinically, chronically depressed. How is he planning for the Olympics when it seems he's prepared to lunge himself off a bridge at any moment? Like he's talking to du Pont about how he wants to win for America! and all this shit, but the whole time I just want to wrap a fire blanket around his shoulders and rock him back and forth while he cries into my bosom. This is not a sexual fantasy at all, btw. I would never encroach on du Pont's territory ;)

Can we talk about when Mark and du Pont were in the--WAIT. First, what was that scene when Mark shows up to the du Pont estate ready to move in and shit and he's sitting in that guy's office and du Pont walks in and Mark is all excited like some dog who's been waiting for his master to come home and du Pont shades him like, "Oh, you're here?"?? Why is John Lucille Bluth? lol and why is Mark so...idk, thirsty (Gob)?? Is it because he never really had parents? lol okay 1. You're a grown man, so gather the scraps of what's left of your dignity together and glue that shit back into your asshole, and 2. Why would you choose John du Pont as your father figure? Like, he already has Dave, why is he so desperate for John? Is it because Dave has that family? Yo, Mark, dummy, you're a wrestler. Have you seen Sienna Miller? You can totally take that bitch. And those kids? You could kill them easily. Lay a smackdown on that whole family and you get your brother/daddy back. Prob solved!! 

-Speaking of daddy.

:(

:/

:,(

:((

Why was I so into Dave's look? Like, I'm always aesthetically pleasured (PLEASE) by Mark Ruffalo, but this is the ugliest he has ever been onscreen, and yet. 

And yet. 

Like, his hairline is...he has like a receding hairline beard mashup? It all flows into one thing?? Idk, but this nigga is grizzly and thick. I want to be dead until forever. 

I sort of hated Dave, though. Or? idk. lol, no, I didn't, but how much $$$ did du Pont offer him to come up to the estate and train? Why didn't he go initially? lol, prob cuz $25,000/yr is fucking nothing. But like Mark was talking all this "You can't buy Dave" shit and two seconds later this nigga arrives in a helicopter with the whole fam in tow. Okay. I totally supported Mark being salty and having a pouty attitude. I so felt bad for him, even though I knew he wasn't being fair? But I was Team Mark. 

lol remember when du Pont came to visit Dave and the fam in the hotel room and Dave's wife didn't get up when she said hello and Mark spazzed on her? 1. Mark is totally jealous of her placement in Dave's life, and 2. It was so cute how Dave ran after him into the hall and gave him some wrestling advice. Like, their super-gay wrestling embrace really filled me with so much - let's keep it PC - joy. And he did the same thing when Mark was having that salt-a-thon and being all pouty with the cold shoulder and everything and then he lost a match and binged on a bunch of food and tore up his hotel room and Dave like BUST IN - this nigga kicked Mark's hotel room door in - and like (after slapping him ugh) enveloped his baby bro in a full-body hug?? GUT MY INNARDS. And then later he was holding Mark's head as he threw up in the toilet and ugh this whole thing made me want to cry it was mad tender - please!! And then he was working with Mark to get his weight down and protecting him from du Pont - I had cry feelings the whole time and was so happy. But it was also bittersweet. du Pont gon' kill you, Dave :/

I definitely hated knowing all along du Pont was going to murk Dave. Like when they were having that meeting and Dave's like "I need to know my brother's being supported" - like, I want to be happy and feel proud of Dave and relieved for Mark, but I just know this shit sealed his fate. Why are you, like, such a good guy, Dave? It was your kiss of death! 

-DID YOU REALLY NEED TO SHOW ME THE DEATH SCENE? A movie I wanted a death scene from: American Sniper. That movie was sort of boring, and a death scene would have added some much-needed excitement. (Yep, I am trash). Also, I didn't become emotionally attached to Chris Kyle. Idk if it was Clint's direction or Bradley's acting or what, but I remained detached from the character/person. That was not the case here with Dave and Mark, and I just really did not want to see John roll up on Dave. And it was so fucking eerie and horrifying. "Do you have a problem with me, Dave?" omg. And he didn't even let Dave answer, he just immediately started shooting?? Give this nigga a chance to answer, hello! And who shoots Dave? He's so nice! And he was wearing a cuddly sweater! Smh

-Steve Carell was really good as du Pont. 

(gpoy)

Like, I stan hard for this performance. It was beyond creepy and disturbing. Everything was killing me: the nose, du Pont's mommy issues, how pathetic he was, that story about how his mom paid the chauffeur's kid to be his friend - it was all so beautiful. And I'm at a loss trying to decide if J.K. Simmons was better than him and deserved the Oscar more. Idk, man. I think I'd probably always lean towards giving it to the one with the fake nose more? I can't even decide if I loved Whiplash more than this. No, I think I loved it slightly more? But du Pont is definitely scarier to me than Fletcher. No, just think: who would you rather wake up to standing at the foot of your bed? Yeah, I know: neither. But if you had to choose, for some reason? Fletcher, right? He'd berate you for your sleeping style, but that's fine compared to whatever du Pont'd be doing. He'd have like one of his stuffed birds perched on his shoulder, trying to pressure it into snorting a line of coke. Maybe he's reciting a love poem he wrote for you to whisper in his ear later? *shudders*

I just checked and imdb tells me Steve Carell was nominated in the best actor category sigh. Do you think I'm erasing all that shit I wrote up there? No, I made some good points. Also, can you believe Eddie Redmayne won? Like, I haven't seen The Theory of Everything - I'm sure it's as Oscar baity as it can be and all the awarrdsssss - but...Eddie is a ginger. His last name is Redmayne. You can't be giving prizes and medals and shits to gingers, they'll start to think we accept them as humans  - we don't, and stop. 

The Five Heartbeats (1991)

I thought this movie was something else. I realized after watching that I had actually been looking for The Temptations. I wanted the sassier Leon movie; instead I made the huge mistake of watching this?? Like, once I realized Michael Wright was the lead singer of the group was when I realized my huge mistake?? lol No, it should've been when I realized Robert Townsend's prints were all over this. I pretty much like Robert Townsend and his shit, but there's no way he's making a cunty musical biopic, which is what I was looking for. Like, this movie is too nice, and hella cheesy? I mean, they had some pretty good ~horrible~ moments, with Big Red showing up to Jimmy's funeral--just Big Red in general, really. Also, killing Jimmy off was pretty extreme? lol okay, but the way he died, though. Did this nigga get skimmed by a fucking garbage truck?? 

Sigh, didn't Robert Townsend make a completely serious version of Blankman? The nigga who made a totally-being-serious version of already sort-of-being-mostly-serious Blankman can not be trusted to bring the juice a faux-biopic about sex, drugs and rocknroll really needs. Like, all this movie had was the drugs?? And only, like, a line of coke that one time lol. This was a fucking after-school special please stop

What I liked: 

-Michael Wright's voice. I guess I forgot that one time they let his crackhead ass sing on Oz? I remember watching Oz and being like: hmm I wonder if this crackhead used to be a singer back in the day? But then immediately not caring because I sort of hated his character on that show super a lot? Like, don't make me feel bad for McManus - he is the worst.

-Leon. Did the casting bitches from Oz watch this movie a lot? lol, chill. Only like two niggas from this shit were on the show. But this movie is totally an Oz reunion fuck whatchu say. Leon and Michael Wright weren't even on at the same time but okay... Also how can you have a reunion for something before it even happens but okaaay. Anyway, I love Leon. He seems like he has a bitchy attitude in real life. And like he wears tired black mom headscarves around set all the time. That is my desired aesthetic. 

-Flash. Idk, this dude is really hot in like a Murray's pomade hair model sort of way. Also, imdb tells me the actor's middle name is Canada? I need more of such nonsense in my life. 

-Diahann Carroll. She's so pretty and I love her. That's it. She should be in more shit. I wonder if Tyler Perry calls her all the time and she's like "lol how did u get this number?" Oh god, her imdb page tells me she was in that movie Peeples. Didn't Titterus Perry produce that? Why have you forsaken me, Diahann?? 

-Big Red/Hawthorne James. 

This nigga is mad scary and looks like he's from New Orleans. Like his people originated from there. Like he's Cajun. Or Creole. I have very offensive, probably not at all true ideas about these types. Lots of ideas about voodoo and witchcraft and shit. Wow, how common of me. I'm gonna go on the actor's imdb page and watch it say he's from Malibu. I'm screaming it doesn't say anything!! This nigga's name is Hawthorne James. If he's not from some creepy deep south ass backwoods, then he is an extraterrestrial. Because's he's not from anywhere else on Earth. Oh, okay...a less lazy, more extensive search tells me he was born in Chicago. No...that...that makes sense. However, I am distraught. 

So, yeah, the cast was pretty legit. It's the movie surrounding them that wasn't totally on-point. Like, it was alright, but definitely not my cup of tea when it comes to these types of films. Maybe I just prefer musical biopics based on actual people? The stakes are higher when it's about real people? Straight-up I just think the writing was cheesy and had Robert & co. done a biopic on Blue Magic or whatever, it'd still be a cheesefest. But...nice try! Ef for effort! UGH!!!

Wrecked (2010)

So the first thirty or so minutes of the movie, Adrien Brody is in a car sort of jerking around and oscillating between irritated groaning and cries of help with brief periods of him going like "Who am I?" in a entirely non-existential way. He also: talks to a corpse in the backseat of said car, steals things from said corpse, and makes several desperate attempts to retrieve a dirty mint from the floor of the car, to eat. Does this sound interesting? Eh, a little? Exactly!!  

Look, I LOVE Adrien Brody, and I don't get the shade the industry gave him after his Oscar win for The Pianist. Is it because of his nose?

I feel like because of his nose he should be respected more, BUT WHATEVER. I always feel weird when people complain about their favorite actors not getting enough love, because it's usually super-famous, super-rich people. Like when people whine about Leo not having an Oscar. That's so annoying to me. Like, he's fine. Adrien doesn't have Leo money, success, nor respect lol, but he does have, to my limited knowledge, all of these things, just not to Leo's extent. So many actors, far more talented than him, don't have any of these things, so I feel weird bitching that he still gets regularly cast in movies and no one cares as much as I think they should. Like, I'm pretty sure he was at the Oscars this year even though he was only in The Grand Budapest Hotel for like ten minutes, doing a parody version of his Dalí act from Midnight in Paris. 

So, anyway, Adrien Brody is the greatest actor to ever live and I don't mind at all watching an entire movie that pretty much only stars him. He had the occasional co-star show up: Caroline Dhavernas, that mountain lion and/or bobcat, and that dog. But we spend the majority of the movie just watching Adrien Brody by himself, sitting places, wondering who he is and how he wound up in his current predicament. Did I rob a bank? Did I murk some bitch? Is the bitch I maybe-murked haunting me? What's all that cash in the trunk? Is this corpse my friend? Would he be cool with me stripping his corpse body? Why do I have amnesia but still I remember I don't like mints, or that I had a dog as a kid :')?? 

I was sort of annoyed when they showed us what ~really~ happened to result in Adrien ending up in that car wreck. I loved his dorky sweater in the flashback, but EYEROLL at him turning out not to be a bad guy. I got comfortable with the fact that I was rooting for a criminal/murderer to get himself to safety. And then you drop the bomb that he's really a "good" guy, and I was like ugh, fine. 

This movie was sort of boring? lol. Why is that funny? Idk, lol is a nervous tick at this point, but seriously, if this movie had not starred one of my "faves", I would have turned it off extra-quick. Why have the mountain lion but I'm never really concerned it's going to attack and mutilate Adrien? Come on! 

Big Hero 6 (2014)

San Fransokyo? lol, this movie was cute. I mean, it was no Monsters, Inc., but it sufficed. I usually can't get into a lot of these animated movies. Like, they're mostly not my cup of tea. I mean, primarily they are for children, so I don't feel weird being like "Eh, okay?" watching shit like Wreck-It Ralph or How to Train Your Dragon. And I know I can't watch shit like Frozen or Minions or whatever the fuck - I just straight-up will hate that shit. But one of the few animated films I really love is Monsters, Inc. for some reason, and the trailers for Big Hero 6 with Hiro fucking around with Baymax gave me, for some reason, Monster's, Inc. vibes. And I was mostly right-ish about that, and I mostly liked this movie. Though I did not love it. Let's talk about why!! 

So, again, San Fransokyo?? This movie was sort of weird with its ~*~ambiguously raced future~*~. I mean, I guess I get what they were trying to do? Because both Tokyo and San Francisco are...like big technology hubs? Right? Or???? mmm, and however, San Fransokyo was more...San Francisco, than it was Tokyo. It was like San Francisco with Tokyo decals on it, which, like, okay. ANNNNNND how come Hiro and Tadashi's parents had to be dead? Their probably interracial commingling ass set of parents had to be conveniently non-existent so their chippery ass white aunt could be the parent placeholder? I just really felt their Asianness was being hella diluted for absolutely no reason. And why couldn't the movie have been just set in Tokyo??? That would have been cool, yeah? You wouldn't even have to do subtitles, as they speak English over there wow!!! Like!! I feel really...annoying and...uncomfortably precious right now...getting irritated over the race stuff in this movie lol. Like it's a kids' movie and they really don't fucking care. But, like, exactly. Kids don't care. Race stuff in the movie could have been way more obvious and way less watered down because kids do not give a shit. Like, all you need is Baymax and they're good. I don't get all the concealing of obvious ethnic markings. But the movie tries to make it look like they're not hiding anything - like, they're being so progressive melding San Francisco and Tokyo together and it's so like THE FUTURE. AMERICA UNITED STATES THE GLOBE 3000. Like, yo, whatever you say. 

AYO, why did Tadashi have to die???!?!?????????????? WHAT KIND OF CHILDREN'S FILM IS THIS??? Like, yeah okay, I get kids aren't dummies, and they know about death and shit, but like, me, personally? I just came here to have a good time and I'm feeling really attacked right now meme. I was feelin' hella emotional about this shit. WHY IS HE DEAD?! Don't tell me it was "necessary" for the rest of the seventy minutes of the movie to unfold, because check no juliet to that. I think that...Tadashi could have lived, and the writers could've been less lazy about having a reason for Hiro to have to become a "hero". I mean, he's what - 14? There's so many other obstacles you could've thrown at a fourteen year old that would cause him to come to account and step forward and prove himself. Like, his one person in life did not need to be ripped away from him. I disagree entirely with his death. And I disagree entirely with Baymax getting ripped away as well!! Like, first this nigga loses his big bro, then he loses the balloon robot his big bro created??? Like, I know Hiro reanimated Baymax at the end, but is it really the same????? It's like cloning your dead spouse. It's weird and how did you come across the technology and tools to do this??? Also Baymax in gen makes me uncomfortable because he is a robot and not a human being, yet Hiro was finding comfort in him. Like it's stated in the beginning that Baymax has no feelings, so why the heck is he acting the exact opposite of this in the movie? It's like he's not a robot but just has a slight touch of Asperger's. He's like Connor on Degrassi, but not, like, soulless. Unlike Connor, who was. idk, all this death and then robot-replacing-brother-figure stuff really made me uncomfortable. I wonder if kids watching this cared or if they were just like "lol Baymax" and didn't give a fuck about Tadashi DYING IN A FUCKING FIRE. Lowkey, he deserved to die. Who runs into a burning building? Stop trying to be a hiro, Tadashi. haha get it??

:(

:(((

What else did I hate about this movie? lol. No, no...I didn't hate anything. I simply...disagreed with many aspects. Like...what was up with...Alistair Krei and Robert Callaghan? Like, their characters in general??? I just kept thinking...are kids paying attention to their scenes?? It was very...generic spy thriller movie. You know how in live-action action films there are always these random white villains in suits and the ~hero~ has to save the world from their evil business plan?? Like, that's always super-boring in those movies...I'm confused why that was recreated here in the world of animation, where you can literally create ANY sort of villain. Like, really, rich businessmen??? Okay like????? I DID, however, like the kabuki mask monster thing Callaghan created.

Like, this shit was scary. Though it felt 1. lowkey inappropriate for a children's film and 2. highkey racist. But maybe I'm missing the mark on both fronts, so I'll fall back on this one and just stick to saying I was into the high-drama of Callaghan's created monster. BUT WHY IS CALLAGHAN WALKING AROUND OUT HERE LIKE THIS? It's so bizarre? Like, his target is exclusively Alistair for presumably, unintentionally murking his daughter. Why is Callaghan all out here acting like he wants to watch the world burn or some shit? Like, why is he straight-up trying to kill Hiro & co.??? I get they were sort of in his way, but fam, chillllllllllll. And I totally supported Hiro wanting to kill Callaghan because fuck that, he got his brother killed, and did the other team members forget CALLAGHAN WAS TRYING TO KILL THEM?!?!? Yo, get out of here with that moral super--oh, this is...right, this a children's film. RIGHT? SO WHY DID YOU KILL TADASHI?!?!?! lol, I'm...I'm not letting that go. Is there going to be a sequel? Like, I'll watch. Primarily for Baymax. And also fingers-crossed for a Tadashi reanimation. Like Hiro creates some shit that'll bring him back to life.

It's like, all this hotness wasted - and for what?!

Gimme Shelter (2013)

I thought this movie was going to be trash, but it actually turned out to be pretty good...I think. I can't tell if I think it's good because it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be...or if it was genuinely good. Mmmm...there was a lot of awkward acting and a ton of clichés and tropes. Vanessa fucking Hudgens carries the movie??? QQ: Do I like Vanessa Hudgens? Idk. Maybe??? Like, lowkey she ended up being my fave thing in Spring Breakers. lol no, my third fave: after Alien, and that "Everytime" sequence, but still, I liked her in that. Remember when all Vanessa Hudgens was was that whack friend Tracy was kickin' it with before she met Evie???? And then she was in High School Musical and I was like "lol" @ everything she was involved with in that period and hitherto??? Nah, but Spring Breakers sort of changed all that. Actually, Gimme Shelter did?? Like Spring Breakers made me go "huh..." and then I watched this and sort of was into her and now I may/may not be looking forward to any future projects she may be involved with????? Only if they're indies, tho! I refuse a ~*~mainstream~*~ slightly-Hispanic Megan Fox-ish career for V Hudg. No thanx. Keep this vaguely latina in the low budgets arena, she's doing slightly surprising work. 

HOWEVER, HER ACCENT. What was her accent? V Hudg is playing some teenage runaway homeless bitch named Agnes aka Apple. Real quick: I had no idea this movie was based on a true story until the end of the film when they were showing the real life people pictures. And I loled because it seemed like all the real life people were white...but they were played by like all ethnic-types in the film. That filled me with joy. Or maybe real-life Apple was a sort of white-passing Latina such as V Hudg herself, but the pic of that real-life priest was definitely a white person but lol he was played by James Earl Jones in the film. Wait - has James Earl Jones been lowkey white this entire time and I'm only now realizing it? You know what I am also only now realizing? James Earl Jones is still fucking alive. 

So V Hudg plays some teenage runaway homeless bitch named Agnes aka Apple. I honestly prefer the name Agnes, because old racist people names are my fave, but Agnes prefers to go by "Apple", which is the name of, like, Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter. And, like, a fruit. If I had to be named after a fruit, I'd choose Tangerine, because it sounds prostitutey. Like, a hooker from the eighties just blatantly walking around with AIDS lesions all over her forehead and shit. That is my desired aesthetic. So anyway! Vanessa Hudgens plays some teenage runaway homeless bitch named Apple! Her mom is Rosario Dawson, and she looks a fucking fool. 

Look. 

Why does she look like Meryl Streep in the trailers for Into the Woods?? I only saw the trailers. Because why would I...why would I watch that actual whole movie hmmm?? Why are her teeth...like gold-colored?? Or like...kidney disease piss colored? That shit is odious as fuck. If you can't tell, because why would you, Rosario is a DRUG ADDICT. Is this what drug addicts look like? First off, her makeup game is suspiciously on-point for a sloppy ass drug addict. Like, her eyes and lips match, and the lipstick is applied perfectly??? Also, despite the vaguely disheveled hair and straight-up jaundice-plated teeth, she still looks really pretty??? I mean, if you're going to hire some bitch to play a drug addict, go for an actor bitch who already sort of looks like one. A Lindsay Lohan, perhaps? What is she doing? Add some chola brows on that bitch and she can play a vaguely-Latina's mom any day! WHY DO PEOPLE REFUSE TO CAST LINDSAY LOHAN WHEN SHE IS 100% PERFECT FOR A ROLE, HMMM? Or you could have drudged up Courtney Love's erratic ass. Or? Is it because they're actual drug addict-y types that they can't be hired? Due to liabilities, etc? Also, why did I just name two white people when they were clearly going for some diversity gold stars here? idk. Marc Anthony?? sigh, I'm tired. Why am I trying to fix a movie that I mostly liked? And Rosario was good, right? As the mom? She was a fucking monster and I lived. But I wonder if it was over the top? lol. Sort of in that Precious vein of..."but does this really happen???" LIKE. SHE SHOWS UP LATER IN THE FILM WITH A RAZOR IN HER TEETH TO CUT APPLE ON THE CHEEK. Mother of the year??? It was really extra. 

So anyway! Vanessa Hudgens plays some teenage runaway homeless bitch named Apple! Her mom is Rosario Dawson! Rosario is a drug addict! Apple has to leave Rosario because she's a drug addict!! Apple goes to her dad's house. Her dad is Brendan Fraser -_-

Look at him. Lowkey, I was into this look. But yo, remember when Brendan Fraser was like, super hot? So hot I used to get him confused with one of the London brothers. I thought they were London triplets haha! Remember when the London brothers?? Remember??? 

Brendan is like rich and white and livin' it up. Apple and her vaguely latina poor homeless bitch dinginess shows up unannounced and cramps his style. Well, at least his wife's style, who is soooo not into Apple being there. Also, was the wife Latina as well? I thought I detected an accent, but she looked white as shit. I mean, the flipped unhinged soccer mom hair and everything. I think it makes it worse if she was also Latina, and going so hard against Apple. Like, she abandoned that bitch at the abortion clinic. First, she's a kid, so no. Don't do that. And also, where's the Hispanic bitches solidarity? It was so...off-putting to me that she was immediately like "I want her out of here!" @ Apple. Again, she's a kid, she has no one, Brendan is her dad - what are you talking about? But I guess it was realistic? It made me mad, though, because I just wasn't in the mood to watch Apple have to leave their home and go live on the streets, which is exactly what happened sigh. 

Apple is only living on the streets briefly, though. She's out there for like a day before some nigga in a SUV tries to like kidnap her or something???? Apple ends up stealing his car and then crashing it?????? She ends up in the hospital??? Oh, wait, did I mention Apple is pregnant?? That's...yeah because up there I said that thing about abortion clinic. Brendan and his bitch were all like to Apple "lol u need to kill that baby" and so they sort of forced her to go get it terminated, stating if she didn't, they wouldn't allow her to continue living with them. She ends up running away from the abortion clinic at the last minute and that's how she ends up on the streets and the car thing and then the hospital thing. Her baby is okay, though. James Earl Jones tells her. He's a priest and he's like, trying to save apl.de.app, I guess? 

Remember when Apple was in the hospital room eating, and

she heard flushing sounds??????

???????

She was like "????????" and then James Earl Jones came out the bathroom and she was all *eyeroll* "You're still here?" and in that moment, I swear they were infinite. Or, like, I knew James E was going to become Apple's guardian angel. He ended up becoming one of many, and thank god this movie turned out to be sort of uplifting instead of the non-stop depressionthon I fucking thought it was going to be. Like, thank god he ended up getting Apple in touch with some bitch who runs a shelter for domestic violence victims. And of course Apple gets there and starts settling in and a problem arises because it's discovered her mother won't sign her over to the shelter. And I'm like "SIGH" but then thank god again, because Rosario shows up acting a fool, and this enables the head shelter bitch to be able to legally keep Apple and I'm just like praise allah. This was one of the few times I was glad I wasn't watching a foreign film. Like, usually I love that foreign films go really hard. They'll just sit up here and be relentless as fuck for no reason and I get my life. But here, I just really wanted Apple to prosper and thrive and for her and her baby to be okay and for her to not ever be abused again. 

Like why was I SO. HAPPY. when she tried on that coat? I think maybe I teared up???? She was trying on some natty old hand me down fucking down jacket and I was really getting into my feelings. She like snuggled into it and shit? Snuggled into my heart, you mean? NO, HONESTLY, WAS V HUDG LIKE LEGIT GOOD IN THIS, OR NAH? But her accent, tho??? What was that accent? Vaguely Hispanic meets vague Eastern US Urban City? Like, um, okay???? I mean, you tried???? 

But I'll ignore the accent because she gave me a mostly good, non High School Musical, basic friend bitch from Thirteen ass performance. 

LIKE

REMEMBER WHEN SHE HAD HER BABY???? KILLLLLL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. No, V Hudg definitely had me in my feelings the entire movie. I honestly don't want to be a fan, it just happened sigh. I'm a fan now siiiiiiigh. 

Omg, remember when all the girls were sitting around talking about the race of their babies' daddies and Apple was all "My baby's father is black" and that black girl mocked her like "My baby's father". lol Apple, you urban street hood faker. 

REMEMBER WHEN BRENDAN FRASER AND HIS MAYBE LATINA WIFE SHOWED UP AFTER APPLE HAD HER BEBE AND WERE ALL COOING OVER IT AND SHIT AND BRENDAN HAD THE AUDACITY TO BE CRADLING THE BABY LIKE "I NEVER GOT TO DO THIS WITH YOU"??? I HATED THAT SCENE. THEY ARE SUCH FAKE HOES OMG. NOT A FEW MONTHS AGO THEY WAS TRYNA ABORT LIL' APPLE AND NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN THEY GOOGLY EYEING OVER IT AND SHIT. I WOULD NEVER LET EITHER OF THEM BITCHES HANDLE MY BABY THEY TRIED TO FLUSH DOWN THE SEWERS - FUCK OUTTA HERE. AND BRENDAN! YOU "NEVER GOT TO DO THIS" WITH APPLE BECAUSE YOU DECIDED TO GO TO COLLEGE INSTEAD OF BEING IN HER LIFE, AND LEFT HER TO SOME FUCKING STRUNG-OUT DEMON BITCH WHO CLEARLY HAS NEVER BEEN INFORMED OF THE EXISTENCE OF CREST WHITESTRIPS. SO PLEASE WITH ALL OF THAT!!

BUT THAT NURSERY THEY GAVE HER, THO! Way to make up for trying to kill her fucking baby :') 

REMEMBER WHEN BRENDAN'S FAKE ASS SON WAS PLAYING NICE WITH APPLE AT THAT PARTY THEY THREW HER? BUT REMEMBER HOW EARLIER IN THE FILM HE WAS ALL

??????????????????????? This family is full of fake hoes, and I am here to expose all of them. 

REMEMBER WHEN FAKE ASS BRENDAN'S FAKE ASS SON

SEXILY DAPPED WHIPPED CREAM ON BRENDAN'S NOSE AND THEN SEDUCTIVELY SUCKED SOME OFF HIS FINGER?????? AND THEN 

WIPED BRENDAN'S NOSE OFF LIKE HE WAS HIS WIFE??? LIKE THE SON WAS THE WIFE AND BRENDAN IS HIS EMBARRASSING SLOPPY HUSBAND? HE GAVE BRENDAN A LOOK LIKE "Get your cavemen ass together - we have guests." WHAT WAS THIS MOMENT IN THE MOVIE?!?!?!

REMEMBER WHEN

APPLE DECIDED NOT TO GO HOME WITH BRENDAN TO THAT BRAND SPANKING NEW NURSERY IN THEIR MANSE??? INSTEAD SHE WAS GOING TO STAY AT THE WOMEN'S SHELTER??? AREN'T WOMEN'S SHELTERS, LIKE, TRANSITIONAL HOMES??? LIKE, YOU CAN'T JUST STAY INDEFINITELY, RIGHT? DON'T OTHER PEOPLE NEED BEDS?? I realize the particular shelter in this movie might be different because it was actually the head of the shelter's home - like, her house. But, still. Isn't the point to get these women back on their feet? Apple has a new home with her fake ass RICH ASS family - why the fuck would she return to the women's home? Like, I get it, okay - she wasn't ready to live with Brendan, the ladies at the shelther felt more like a real familia to her blah blah. But, come on. As rich as those whiteys were, she could've made them feel like her "real" family, real fucking quick. BUT OKAY, WHATEVER YOU SAY, MOVIE, THAT WAS APPARENTLY BASED ON SOME REAL LIFE ACTUAL SHIT THAT HAPPENED WHAT. THE. FUCK. 

Whiplash (2014)

Yes. This movie has everything: yelling, abuse, homoerotic overtones, Miles Teller, Paul Reiser (lol), um...intense...drumming...scenes???

Well, the yelling and abuse and Miles Teller were really important to me. Like, when I first saw the trailers for this movie I was like, "oh, okay. Oz, but, like, drums. Okay, turn up!" I was really into the idea of Schillinger being a rapey Nazi in a college setting, heaping abuse upon a young student played by new Shia LaBeouf. Like, what a perfect concept for a film. You know what I like, Damien Chazelle. 

So new Shia LaBeouf, who will never replace old one, due to new one's inability to cry on cue even when there is no cue, plays some nigga named Andrew. Andrew does drums. Rq: I never knew when Andrew was playing good/bad/okayish, so I never knew when Schillinger was just being a dick or a hardass...or if legit Andrew wasn't playing the best he could play, or at least good enough to get into Fletcher's band. Wait, really quick part II: Is Miles more Shia LaBeouf, or John Cusack? Like a blend of both? That sounds really horrible on paper, but...the actualized version...is much worse :')

Okay lol so the movie starts with Andrew playing drums in some room blah blah Fletcher is, basically, auditioning for a new sub. Right? That's all this movie is about, right? A dom looking for a replacement sub? Cuz he "accidentally" killed the last one? (FORESHADOWING?!) (R.I.P. Shawn Casey) 

Andrew's little audition doesn't get him into the band right away. Schillinger is playing mind games, I guess? Because I figured he liked Andrew's playing at the very beginning, but, like, didn't want to give him any confidence by immediately accepting him? Idk, or maybe he did actually need to see him play again in class? CAN WE TALK ABOUT WHEN that faceless black dude was talking shit about Andrew right in front of him to that douchey ginger? He's like, "Man, I'm glad you're back - Neimann was killing us on drums!" BUT LIKE. REMEMBER WHEN HE PLAYED AND IT WAS TRASH?! I'm screaming that he had the audacity to be talking about someone else lol. Typical negro in a blue polo who's seriously in band. Also lol @ O'Connelly or whatever his name is being like ~popular~ and good with the ladies. He has RED HAIR. It wasn't even subtle, that shit looked like dried ketchup pleeeeeeeaassseee.

Anyway, I was really pumped when Fletcher chose Andrew to be in his band over the ginger. And I loved how the ginger thought Fletcher had chosen him but Fletchy was all "lol no sit down - the other one". I'm annoyed with how immediately I was clapping and excited concerning Fletcher's approval and validation of Andrew. Like, why was I so instantly into this creepy daddy son sub/dom roleplay dynamic he was trying to set up with him? Idk, man, I have a lot of problems, ngl :')

Rq, let's discuss how ol' penis stump lookin' ass head would never be hurling insults or raising his voice at any niggas lol. Well, would any niggas be in band? Some. And, sigh, I guess those types of niggas would be the type Fletcher could yell at, so, sigh, never mind. But when Fletcher was yelling at that fat dude, talking about "what are you looking at on the floor? There aint a Mars bar down there - witcho fat ass!" I was like "lol who is he talking to??!" Like, I would roast the shit outta Fletcher are you kidding me?! Any nigga, or even an individual of the cholo variety, would've just started roasting the shit outta that nigga's dome - like. Nah, but then I remember how band types are just a different, fucked-up, trash baby species entirely. But come on, that nigga cried. lol, no bald nigga is ever making me cry but okay. And please note that there were def blackies in the studio, whom we never saw Schillinger come for jus sayin' lol 

WAIT WAIT But how come the dude who was actually fucking up in the trombones or tuba section or whatever didn't get kicked out, but the fatty did?? What?? Fletcher's like, "He didn't know he was out of tune, and that's just as bad." UM, I GUESS? But what's also just as bad?? That dude who was actually out of time, sitting there all smug and shit, still being out of time! The fuck?! 

CAN WE TALK ABOUT WHEN FLETCHER INTRODUCED ANDREW TO THE CREW AND WAS ALL LIKE "ISN'T HE CUTE??"?! YES, HE IS. And...I swear to god, I shipped them very hard. I have so many mental problems, obviously, but I think they'd make...a horrible couple, and those are my fave :) Life is terrible! :')

OKAY LET'S ALSO TALK ABOUT Fletcher being fake. as. hell. I don't get...how Andrew couldn't see this?? FIRST...first...can we...like...that whole scene with Fletcher having Andrew essentially pinned up against the fucking wall and asking probing questions about his parents and childhood and shit, like, jesus. It was sexy and horrifying and I wanted to go get an adult. But I'm really annoyed Andrew was too stupid to see what he was doing. Or...in real life...would it be more difficult to see something like this? Like, I'm watching this at home on TV being like, "Wake up, dummy!" cuz I have that advantage of seeing the situation from the outside...but, idk, I feel like Fletcher's reputation precedes him, and I don't get why Andrew would think he was trying to be warm and inviting and get all buddy buddy with him. But I was very happy when they went back into the rehearsal room and Fletcher went right into brutally criticizing Andrew's performance, throwing back at him the shit he told Fletcher about his mom leaving and his dad being a failed writer. "No wonder mommy left you!" Shit like that. Like, wow, what a horrible fucking monster beautiful butterfly angel mcqueen. 

Okay rq let me briefly gloss over Nicole lol. Their first date scene was very cute and real-ish. Also, it was super-awkward and made me want to die while watching. I knew immediately they wouldn't work out when Nicole said she hadn't decided on her major and Andrew was all "lol what?". Like, he's been drumming since forever and this ho just skips over from Arizona like "lol Fordham, I guess??" lol, no seriously, who goes to Fordham with no plan? Like, you applied to a pretty great school with no idea what you're gonna do there? You came all the way over from Arizona on some *shrug* shit?! I mean, no judging, but, come on. But I don't want to be #TeamAndrew, because he was hella rude for being like, "lol we won't work out cuz I'm better than you and you'll get in the way of my dreams, you aimless, no future having, Aéropastle flats wearing bitch. :)". Like, why did he even bother asking her out? Honestly, I think it had more to do with the high he felt when Schillinger asked him to be a part of his studio. He was just, like, super-confident and full of adrenaline I guess and was all "I'm gonna ask out that cute girl at the movie theater!", not even thinking about what having a girlfriend would mean for him. I feel bad for Nicole, but not really. Like, Andrew would've been a terrible boyfriend with calloused hands from a sort of not cool way to get calloused hands. Like drumming is cool, but is the drumming Andrew does cool idkidk like...it's jazz. Jazz. Nicole is better off. 

Let's discuss that dinner scene! So I felt bad for Andrew that no one cared about his drum-playing. People throw so much shade at the arts and it's annoying. But I'm biased, coming from a place of hating sports. Like, the woman is bragging about her sons being on the football team which EYEROLL NO ONE CARES SHARON. And then she tossed Andrew a little bone like, "oh, and Andrew's little drum playing". Whatttt aaa cunnnnntt. I loved how Andrew got annoyed and shut that dude down who was on like a third tier football team, whatever that means, but I'm sure it means mediocre. That ironic T.I. song was about you, third tier. I love fights and cut-downs at a dinner table. It may/may not be my fave thing in movies/television/plays. It's just so wonderful to watch a scene of family-types bitching each other down over a dry ass meal of usually turkey-something. Maybe there are peas. And they're like perfect-looking peas. What I didn't like about this scene was Andrew's daddy coming for him?? Like when Andrew said that thing about "four words you'll never hear from the NFL" or something, didn't Paul Reiser's face have the audacity to say some shit like, "Or you from Lincoln Center?"???? I was like "um, gasp", like. You betrayer! Who comes for their own son in front of company? And it was like super-rude! What if Andrew said some shit like that to you about your failed ebook writing career, huh?? Lol, knowing Andrew, he probably has. Moving on! 

Okay so I was very proud of Andrew when he inadvertently was made a main player due to him losing that book of compositions. 1. I hated Tanner and wanted him to die. Andrew taking his spot was the next best thing. And ugh how shrivelly of him to be like "I gave the book to Andrew but he lost it!!" Of course Fletcher would be like "lol but it was ur responsibility." And then it got even better when he revealed he didn't know the play by heart, because of his"memory". Lol, isn't memory like a crucial thing for musicians or nah?? Andrew was all "I know it". Yes, baby, yes!! Sorry I just called you baby, but yessss! I felt so happy and pleased and was just so ready in my soul for him to finally shine :') And then they get back to rehearsal and Tanner is sitting at the drums but Fletcher is all "no time for replacements today! Get out of here [probably insult about him being a blowjob queen]!!!" I just felt...so cleansed by Andrew succeeding and stepping on the heads of his opponents. Of course I'm a dummy and not preparing myself for Fletcher to pull some shit like "lol guess what, Andrew?? I'm gonna bring in the ginger to play, just to fuck with you! But I'll pretend it's cuz I don't know yet who I want to be main player on the drums! Don't ever get cocky or comfortable around here again :')" I hate Fletcher so. much. 

Rq let's talk about the ~death~ of Shawn Casey. So we've already established that Fletcher is a fake ho. And when he was talking about Shawn to the class, I assumed Shawn had committed suicide. But...Fletcher says he got in a car accident. WHAT A SOCIOPATH. Because as we find out later, Shawn had killed himself, and lowkey highkey, it was Schillinger's fucking fault for acting like he'd been cast as that head sergeant nigga in Full Metal Jacket, instead of as a teacher at a fucking music school. So after Fletcher does his little weepy act about Shawn, he resumes rehearsal, but right away the drums section is not his tempo. BATTLE-OFF BETWEEN ANDREW, KETCHUP HEAD, AND THE GAY ONE. Like, we know Andrew is gonna win, but this shit was still thrilling. And hard to fucking watch, yeah? I really loved Miles' strenuous-looking ass performance on the drums. He made it look like that shit hurt, and he was gunning for his fucking life. That really amped up the action and drama for me. Like, I felt his pain. He was giving me five days straight constipation pain while trying to strain out just one little turd nuglet faces, and I was living. Like, he was really delivering in that arena. 

I felt like I had five days worth of backlogged shit expelled from my ass all at once when Fletcher decided he won. I was like yes, but also really tired and only happy in a bittersweet way. Like, this was just the fucking audition. AND OF COURSE! Some shit happens that makes Andrew late for their performance and Fletcher's like "no, too late, O'Connelly on drums." I wanted to cry this was honestly devastating to me. Andrew's all "That's my fucking part!" I felt so happy that he was getting buck with Fletch. Fletcher was all *clutching pearls* Um, excuse me, whom are you referring to?? Andrew's yelling at him to give him five minutes so he can go get his sticks, and that he's playing that part. And I'm sitting here screaming at the television "YOU LEFT THAT SHIT AT THE CAR RENTAL PLACE YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT!!" This was...these were the most thrilling moments of my very sad life.

YO, WHEN ANDREW GOT HIT BY THAT CAR. What the fuck is this movie? WAIT, WAS IT A TRUCK HE GOT HIT BY??! idk, but I can't believe this movie happened and exists. And omg when he got out the car I started screaming for him to get his sticks and run to the performance area place lol. I HONESTLY thought he was going to pull some triumphant performance. Instead he gets there with blood all over his head and everyone's like "Neimann, wtf?" and he proceeds to play exactly like a nigga who has just been in a car accident. Sigh, I guess I should be happy they didn't pull some ~*~Hollywood magic~*~ bullshit, having this nigga give the performance of his life while suffering from brain contusions and shit. Fletcher comes over like, "You're done, Neimann." PLEASE. Andrew just fucking lunges for him. It took me too long to accept that it really was over for him. I'm like lol he'll probably get a talking to from the dean :') Nah, he got kicked out :')

So, Andrew's out of Shaffer, working at some fucking deli shop. Some lawyer bitch pops up like "lol Shawn Casey's family is bringing a lawsuit - they want to stop Schillinger from doing this to anyone ever again." At first Andrew's like "nah, Fletcher didn't do anything" and I really thought he'd stick to defending him. But his dad is like "You're kicked out, it's over, why are you protecting him?" Idk, I feel like if I was Andrew I wouldn't say anything? But I guess I'm not thinking about how it's really bullying and he totally caused the death of another person?? Lol idk, I'm very in the callous school of "get over it", especially since these are adults with their own agency, but fine. They don't show Andrew actually consenting to testifying, but I figured it didn't matter if he did, I just needed some hint that Fletcher would find out he was involved in this lawsuit in any way. AND OF COURSE! Andrew goes to see this dude perform in some bar. Fletcher spots Andrew, but Andrew tries to sneak out. But Fletcher catches up with him because he has plans to get. in. that. ass. They sit to have a nice chat and I pretty much figured Fletcher knew about the lawsuit and Andrew's involvement. They talk about Fletcher's teaching methods and Andrew is like "Don't you think maybe you go too far sometimes" and Fletcher is all "I just want to push people. There are no two words in the English language more harmful than 'good job'." That...can't be true. "Shoot him"...I think would cause more harm? "Kill her". Are these not working for you, Fletch? What about "You're bald"????? #antiexposedscalpblog

Should I talk about that horrible story Fletcher is always telling about Charlie Parker? I forget who he says threw a cymbal or whatever at his head, but yeah, some nigga threw some shit at his head, which is apparently how Charlie Parker became Charlie Parker, which is why Fletcher throws chairs at people, but hmmm, no Charlie for Fletcher. Maybe he's throwing the wrong shit. I actually feel like Andrew is Fletcher's Charlie, right? But I can't tell if he secretly thinks this the whole time, or doesn't realize til the end?? Speaking of that mess, Fletcher asks Andrew to play with his band. He has his own show somewhere? Idk, some shit. But Andrew is excited he gets to play again, which he stopped doing when he got kicked out of school. I'M DUMB FOR NOT SEEING THAT FLETCHER WOULD PULL SOME SHIT. But wow it doesn't make sense he'd ruin his own performance just to destroy Andrew. It looks bad on him if people on his crew play badly, oui??? Like, he's the conductor. I was just...flabbergasted at the lengths he'd go to fuck someone up. Is it even about the music at that point lol like u are totally and completely off your fucking shit. 

I LOVED that moment when Fletcher came out like "You think I'm stupid?". Gut drop for Andrew. But even better, I loved when Andrew recovered. That shit was glorious. His mouthed "fuck you" - I've never felt so alive!! And at first, Schillinger was pissed, but then he got fucking into it. Andrew is like "I'll cue you in!" and Fletcher is just nodding and taking his daddy's orders and suddenly the sub dom tables have turned! Andrew is on top, pounding away! And again, I shipped them. They'd make a really cute, horrifying, super-terrible couple. This is a romantic comedy. That is how I saw this film. What is entirely my fucking damage, hmmm?

Never forget Paul Reiser's face watching Andrew going hard on those drums at the end. Never forget Paul Reiser was in this movie. Never forget he was a star at one point. Like, famous. Probably there were tabloid stories about an on-set ugh romancughe with ugh him and ugh Helen ugh Hunt on ugh Mad ugh About ugh Yughoughu.