Because I don't want to live?? Because I hate myself very very much?? Yes, both of those things. But also because I sort of really love Lars? Like, we're on a first-name basis, so. I'm not exacccctly sure why I love Lars though. Like most of his movies make me really really really just want to be fucking dead. All of them, actually. Maybe that's why I like them? I think I just figured out also why I'm semi-obsessed with Bergman. I can relate to their, like, dark points of view? Ugh, idk. But also I just love that Lars clearly doesn't give a fuck. And I'm happy someone like him is allowed to make movies. I'm surprised he hasn't been euthanized or castrated at this point - like, this dude is a mess. So, I'm happy he's even allowed to still be alive!! It's very post-Hitler!
So before I make the huge mistake of trying to write about these two ~volumes~, I want to vainly wonder what the fuck the difference is between the extended director's cut and the regular version. Vainly because no one will answer me, and if you think I'm going to go back and watch the more normal version just to find out if that one has the abortion scene or less shots of Joe's gaping vagina wound - you're wilin'! But I do really wonder what version the majority of people have seen. I've heard/read a lot of complaints about this movie. Basically that Lars needs to be stopped and !!!!PORN!!!! And I'm wondering what version these people are referring to. I'm sure the regular one is just as fucked up, but if that one doesn't have an ~extended~ abortion scene, and that's the one the majority of people have seen, I'm gonna need for all those whiners to clamp their cunts. Or, no, shut their mouths? Ugh, I'm ruined.
Let's begin!!!!
So the ~protagonist~ of our story is a woman named Joe. We first meet her lying unconscious in an alleyway with bruises and blood and shit all over her face. There's water-dripping sounds and it's snowing. It's all very. Stellan Skarsgård stumbles upon Joe's pre-corpse. He's all like "omg". Joe wakes up and he says he's going to phone an ambulance. She's all like "no". So, naturally, Stellan decides to take this bitch home with him????? Redflag.com on both sides. Who just takes some bitch they find lying semi-dead in an alleyway home? No, like, but who does that???? Are we supposed to look at Stellan like OH WHAT A HUMANITARIAN??? All I see is creepy creep-o. When Joe says she doesn't want him to phone an ambulance or the police, shouldn't the flashing red lights be going off all up in his creepy face? THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS BITCH, is what should be flashing in your brain repeatedly. So for him to scoop up Joe and take her home with him like she's some stray cat - I immediately became suspicious of him. Why wasn't he worried what type of person Joe was? To be declining help from the police even though she looks like she's been pretty badly beaten? YO, THAT'S ALARMING. Don't take this bitch home with you, clearly she's a suspect human being. She'll probably shit in your toilet and not even flush. Or she'll ask to see photos of you as a child even though you don't too much know this bitch. Or she'll drink straight from your bottle of milk like you didn't offer this bitch a cup to pour it in. DO NOT TAKE THIS ANIMAL HOME WITH YOU.
Um, but, despite me yelling all this stuff at Stellan through the screen, he does.
1. He makes her weird tea. It looks like dishwater.
2. His apartment is gross and creepy.
I was suspicious of Stellan from jump street. Like, I was pretend-suspicious of Joe. I never suspected, despite her relentless insisting, that she was a ~baddie~. Maybe she'd rob him, whatever. But Stellan. Uh uh. He was really...unnerving me. I mean, look at his sweater. And his apartment!! WHY WASN'T JOE MORE FREAKED OUT. Well, okay, maybe she's ~seen it all~ and is difficult to perturb. But, come on. She likens it to a Monk's bachelor pad or something like that. Yeah, why isn't that scary to you???? Because he's not a fucking monk...so..... He's a white dude living in some modern day-ish European whatever and his apartment looks like Terence Stamp's lair from The Collector, except not as cool because no butterflies. Oh, but there is some random fish hook thing on the wall! So, something!
This is all to say that I always from minute 2 or whatever suspected Stellan had ~ulterior motives~. And I'm not clear on if I was supposed to be reading that or not. Anyway! It's wayyy too soon to be talking about that! This was like a five hour long fucking movie!!! So. Joe starts telling her ~story~. Let's briefly address how fucking weird it is for someone to be telling the story of how they're a nymphomaniac to a complete fucking stranger. Stellan wants to know what happened to Joe - like, why was she lying all beaten up in that alleyway?? So, natch, Joe is like LET'S START FROM WHEN I WAS TWO YEARS OLD AND DISCOVERED MY CUNT. Um, cool. Except, no, can you...can you maybe just...sum it up? Like five sentences or less on why the fuck you were lying in that alley. Who what when where and why. Maybe how. This...shouldn't be that complicated. However, it is!!! And Stellan, redflagredflagredflag, just decides to listen to all this shit. Or, does he??? I feel like instantly upon Joe beginning to tell her story he's interrupting to talk about fucking fly fishing or some shit. I'm sitting here like UM, SHUT UP!!! Who does that??? Like the first thing Joe says is the thing about her being a nympho at age 2 and immediately Stellan is interjecting to be like NO, THAT CAN'T BE TRUE, BECAUSE... Wtf?? He agreed to sit and listen to this bitch tell her life story, so why the fuck is he instantly interrupting her with random, irrelevant (to me!!) !fun facts! about fish hooks and streams and shit???? This all just added to the Stellan's character is a fucking creep who's going to kill Joe pyre I was building up in my head brain. Like, shut up you freak. Ugh and he does this the whole movie. I wonder if the regular versh has him talking...less? Prob not, I feel like Lars thinks Stellan's ~footnotes~ are crucial. But are they tho??????
Ugh, anyway. So Joe continues her story. She's a nympho at two, then when she's an older child she gets this friend named B who seems to be just as much of a freak as Joe. They play this game called "Frog" which is basically just them mutually masturbating. It's cool to see a child rubbing her groin all around on the floor in ecstasy. Seux excited to be crossing that off my bucket list!! Oh, before I get into Joe and B, let's talk about Joe's dad.
Joe has a dad and he's Christian Slater doing an accent from Nowhere. I thought...the scenes between Joe and her dad were touching. But like, the whole time I was just waiting for them to start fucking. Was that just me? Am I more fucked up than Lars????? GOD, NO. But seriously - was that just me?? I was thinking either: he'd molest her, or it'd be a more ~mutual~...exchange. I want. to. die. But I guess I'm glad it never got weird like that. It was cute to see her just have a fairly healthy, normal relationship with her dad. It was normal, right? (I genuinely have no idea). HOWEVER. I'm confused what we're supposed to take away from Joe's relationship with her dad. You'd think someone like Joe would have had a terrible relationship with her father, or none at all. Except here, she has a non-existent/bad relationship with her mom. Hmmm. I'm still trying to figure this out. Is Joe her mom?? Was she affected by lack of mommy love? Was she damaged by too much love from her dad??? NONE OF THESE THINGS?!?!?! Joe says she was born a nympho, but isn't...nymphomania about trying to ~fill all your holes~? Who's born with holes? Or is it that everyone is born with holes and they're supposed to be filled as we go along in life by various things but...maybe, sometimes you don't--NO, I CAN'T. I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT. Also, there's a distinction made in the movie separating nymphomania from sex addiction. Like, sex addiction is a problem, but nymphomania is, like, a fucking personality trait??? And maybe I shouldn't bother trying to figure out how Joe became who she is??? NO, THIS IS BULLSHIT, I WANT ANSWERS!!!
So Joe becomes a teenager. I think she's 15 and decides, since she's a nympho, that she ought to lose her virginity. To whom?
To Shia LaBeouf!! Or, ugh, Jerôme. Sooooooooooo. I was excited when I learned Shia would be in this movie. I was excited for Shia, Charlotte (obv), Willem, Jamie Bell annnnd Udo Kier (we'll talk about this shit later). But I don't even know @ this scene.
1. What is...his accent? Is it as nothing as Christian's? NO, NOTHING IS AS NOTHING AS THAT. But...I almost wish it was. If I didn't know about Shia LaBeouf would I have even noticed it was...weird? YES. Because I watch Britishy shit all the time and I WOULD JUST NOTICE.
2. Why when Joe comes to get her virginity taken from Jerôme does he fuck around with his motorcycle thing a bit rather than just immediately plowing into her?????? It was weird.
3. And then when he does plow into her...it's weirder? Who just pumps away mechanically like that?? Why is Jerôme an enigma to me and suddenly more interesting than Joe? Did he cum?!!? IS THAT IMPORTANT? Yes. He does three pumps into her vaj and then five in the ass. Okaaay. And I think Stellan says these numbers are significant. Something to do with Bach and Satan or Bach and Satan are the same person and everything is maths!!
4. And then...Joe just leaves. After the eight pumps. And I was, like, mildly devastated. Is this all the Shia/Jerôme we're getting?? I didn't realize how excited I was for him to be in this mess until it maybe seemed like all he was going to be doing in this was making me feel weird about his hair. But we'll get to that later. Get to what?? ugh
So non-virgin Joe is ready to paint the town red (no)! She and Queen B
are still playing games. Queen B has this game called I forgot, but it has something to do with: whoever fucks the most dudes on the train wins some chocolate candies. Come on. Chocolate candies?? Das it?? Can I at least get a few boxes of Peeps thrown in damn
All I know is, I would lose this game miserably. It's fucking awkward to make eye contact with people on any public transportation system. Who looks at people on the train?? One time I was on the train and it stopped at the last stop but the dude next to me was sleeping and I had to, like, nudge him awake. He was using a garbage bag to carry his things. If I played this game with Queen B I would've had to fuck him and maybe a fetus would've come out of his garbage bag?? But, like, not a human one???? Fuck those chocolate candies - like, I can buy my own chocolate candies, so. (Can I???)
Real quick: can we just talk about how mildly retarded Teenage Joe is???
Like she's on the train trying to chat up the gentleman folk and get them to fuck her and it appears she does not have any knowledge of how to be a human?? She, like, can't construct human word sentences? And the people on the train, naturally, are like, wtf?? She gets into this car and is asking all these dummy questions like "Where.............................are you from?" and lol the dude is like "From home". It's very that dude who answered "Earth" to George on Seinfeld. Then Joe asks where "the lavatory" is and this sasscat
is like IF. YOU. WALK. DOWN. THE. CORRIDOR. YOU. WILL. SEE. A. DOOR. It was very that. And I died. But seriously, what the fuck is wrong with Joe? Does she have autism? I mean, what is fucking going on with her obviously damaged brain????? But eventually she gets some dude to fuck her when she starts pulling at the tight ass plastic shorts she has on which makes it look like she has crabs or a yeast infection?? But the guy next to her is like: ALRIGHT, DOWN TO FUCK!!!
So, despite Joe being a retard (developmentally disabled??? mentally challenged? post-lobotomy chic???), it's relatively easy to get some dicks up inside her. Queen B is still winning tho. Then they go to the first-class compartment (that's a thing?) and there's this ~classy~ older gentleman that I'm too lazy to get a pic of but also it doesn't matter. The ticket taker person comes to collect tickets but Joe and Queen B don't have one. There's a confrontation because Queen B refuses to pay or whatever. The ticket taker person is like "okay, we'll let the police take care of you". But the classy older gentleman offers to pay for Queen B and Joe's tickets. The ticket taker person is like NO, LET THE POLICE HANDLE THEM. Like, he's hilarious. But ultimately the classy older gentleman ends up paying for them. Obvi, Queen B immediately saddles over to him to offer him a prob dry handy j. (I would win at handy js at least because my palms are always sweaty - fun fact!!!!!!!!!!). The classy older gentleman dude declines Queen B's dry handy j offer FOR SOME REASON. Like, she's hot, so.....................why???? Apparently, because he and his wife are trying for a baby. And he's...holding his sperm in?? Is that a thing? I guess if you have a low count? Anyway, Stellan tells us holding your load in isn't even effective because the sperm dies or something. So, that's...good to know.
Because classy older gentleman turns down Queen B's sex offer, she decides she'll give Joe a chance at winning the game: If Joe can manage to do sex on classy dude, Queen B will give her five extra points. Cool!! Think about the candies, Joe! You can do this!!
Joe thinks she's more psychologically in tune than Queen B. Yeah, lol, okay. She sees the classy dude has bought a gift for his wife. He, FOR SOME REASON, divulges their fertility dealings. NO, BUT WHY??? Because Joe asked why you were a cheap ass buying your wife a gift at the fucking train station?? INSTEAD OF BEING OFFENDED AND LIKE "WHO IS THIS BITCH?" YOU TELL HER ALL YOUR PERSONAL BUSINESS??? Right. And then, like, two minutes of banal convo and Joe has her mouth on his dick. But why?? What do I deduce from this?? I mean it was easy to turn down Queen B. All she did was slide her little finger down his arm. A quick "no thanx" made sense. But what about anything Joe did suddenly made him lose his ~self control~? Like, when she went for his pants why didn't he just...push her head away??????????????? Dude, whatever, Joe ended up winning. Yay??
So Joe and Queen B have this club thing. This cult or whatever. It's basically just all about fucking any dude they can and then telling tales from their sexcapades. Joe's havin' a blast! (no) The group is all grossed out by romantic love and couples and people being in romantical romancey couplings. Then, duh, someone in the group falls in love. Who, tho? My queen Queen B! No!!!!!!!! YOU'VE BETRAYED ME. I mean, Joe. You've betrayed Joe. ugh.
Queen B's all:
IS IT?? This statement becomes even more suspect later in the film, but I won't jump ahead to that. I'll wait. Oh my god there's like an hour more of the movie to cover and then I have to do vol. 2. I mean, I don't have to. But I will. What is wrong with me?? Why am I like this?????
NEVER GOING TO GET ANY ANSWERS TO THAT QUESTION, SO, MOVING ON!!
Joe goes to medical school for a bit but I guess looking at vaginas all day distracts her so she drops out and goes looking for work. She ends up in some office interviewing for a secretarial position. And again, here she is being socially retarded. More than that. She's like, oblivious to how Earth works. The woman interviewing her is like: "Do you have any skills?" Joe is like "nope! didn't think you needed skills to work here!" lol, what? She's not, it seems, intentionally being like rude and dismissive and super dumb??? If you don't have any skills...you're supposed to lie and say you do, right? At least. And definitely don't be like: Didn't think this piece of shit position required I have a brain! I...I don't know.
But guess what! Joe is hired! I'm not excited about her being hired because omg I couldn't care less about Joe's fucking employment status (actually a lil I do - like...where was she getting that money to send Marcel??). I'm excited about more Shia LaBeouf! Maybe!!!
Shia/Jerôme is the boss...ish. I was surprised/happy to see him...here. But, also, for some reason I thought he was playing another character? It took me way too long to accept this was Jerôme until Shia was like "It's me, Jerôme!!" Jerômey...rome's...in the house sigh. But anyway, I felt bad for thinking earlier in the movie Jerôme wouldn't be capable of working in an office. But also, he sort of isn't, right? Like I stopped feeling bad pretty quickly the longer he was onscreen and it sort of seemed like he was super fucking shady??? But I digress! (always, sigh)
So Jerôme is excited to see Joe, but it's weird because...he was sort of cold and callous-y to her when he took her virginity. Right? Why is he all super-souped to see her? Did that moment mean more to him than it seemed? Was that also his virginity loss scene??!? omg it was wasn't it?? IS THAT WHY THE SEX WAS SO FUCKING AWKWARD AND HORRIBLE? I just assumed it was like that because he's a dude and that's what happens? But maybe he was a virgin, too? And he like, always held a special place for the girl he lost his virginity to in his heart? Or was it because she fixed his motorcyle with just like, a flip of a switch? AND SPEAKING OF THAT SHIT. Did he not...like, even know how to use it? Use his motorcycle thing? See! Jerômey rome is a fucking enigma to me and I'm like mildly fucking obsessed with him maybe? What is going on in that little head of your's Jerôme? In that little Shia LaBeouf-shaped dome over there?? Secretly (no longer a secret if you're about to just tell it ugh) I want a vol. 3 and it's all Jerôme and everything he was doing while Joe was fucking people on trains or getting spanked by Jamie Bell in some basement. What is Jerôme's inner-life? What are his deepest, darkest secrets? Does he write poetry? Is he an internet comment troll? Is he one of those people who gave money to that Darren Wilson fund??
Jerôme becomes even more mysterious/interesting to me when he gets on a lift with Joe and, like, tries to sexually assault her maybe? Okay, sexual assault is...that's a lot. But he's her boss and he does try to kiss her and it's, like, definitely something HR would arrange a meeting about? But Joe declines a kiss/sex from Jerôme on the elevator and he looks sooooo defeated
and ugh, here I started shipping them. NO, WHY. When Joe started telling this chapter about Jerôme's return she mentioned it would involve the topic of love and I was like: lol. Because I couldn't imagine Jerôme from earlier being anyone someone's falling in love with. Or, Joe, being anyone someone's falling in love with, or falling in love herself. So I resisted. I felt bad for Jerôme but I wasn't rooting for them on some Noah/Allie The Notebook-esque shit. And I was thoroughly disgusted when one day Joe is looking at the mess on Jerôme's desk and she's like "suddenly I realized the order in all the mess". And this was how she realized she was in love with him. She wanted to be one of his "things". DON'T MAKE ME SICK.
These two are in love with each other but they don't get together. The first time Joe rebuffs Jerôme he totally shuts down to her, and is sort of mean and hard. He sees her fucking dudes from the office in the bathroom and stuff and stares at her forlornly and shit.
(killlllllll meeeeeeeeee)
But eventually Joe stops having sex entirely I guess because none of these dudes are Jerôme. Which is cute, or would be cute if it wasn't this movie I was watching it in. And anyway, Jerôme is trying his motherfucking hardest to give off that he's over this bitch. So hard that he marries some other bitch. That woman from earlier who interviewed Joe for the job. She had her eye on Jerôme the whole time apparently, and when she catches Joe one day going to put a letter confessing her love on Jerôme's desk, she tells Joe she should wait until Friday when Jerôme is in a better mood. Then Friday comes around and Jerôme is nowhere to be found, but his uncle, who clearly hates him, is. He's all like, essentially, "Jerôme is a fucking loser". Poof, that slick-back hair motherfucker is gone. Joe reacts by fucking a bunch of dudes, right? I don't exactly remember but prob. I mean.
Then there's some shit with Uma Thurman, right? That...scene. So...Joe is doing her usual, fucking a ton of dudes. She has all these dudes on rotation, some she likes more than others. One is an older dude with a family who refuses to leave Joe's apartment when she's waiting on her next suitor to come. To get him to leave Joe is all like "I know you're not going to leave your family for me, so I think it's best we don't see each other anymore". She says this thinking this guy is not choosing her over his family. LOL, WHOOPS. The dude leaves but he comes back with his suitcase and shit like "HONEY, I'M HOME!" It gets even worse because...apparently his wife fucking dropped him off?? With their damn kids!!! This dude's kid is standing outside near the door and you can hear some woman like "is the door closed? Did he go in?" Then Joe walks out and sees this dude's wife standing on the staircase and she's all like "Sorry, I know we weren't supposed to come up". And at first I'm like, "omg". It's awkward. Then Uma walks up and brings her three little boys into Joe's apartment and shit gets real. Uma's face is like this
at one point. Like, she's full-on pterodactyl screeching up in this bitch. It's rough. But...an interesting scene. Uma is an intriguing actress. Anytime I see her, which is usually in questionable shit, I always end up thinking she was one of the--if not the only--best bits. Definitely liked her here, though I question if this is how...a wife whose husband is leaving her would act? Or, I guess everyone has different reactions. I just get suspicious about this kind of stuff when it's a male director because it seems...wrong. Like, they don't know what they're talking about in regards to women's behavior. But...I'd have to stamp this whole movie as wrong wouldn't I? If I followed that...line of thinking? Do I stamp this whole movie as "wrong"? I WILL DISCUSS THAT LATER MAYBE.
I think after Uma it's daddy dying time.
I don't know what actory disease Christian Slater has, but he's dying from it. And...taking forever, in my opinion. There's a lot of, like, screaming out delirious sayings and pooping on himself and being ass-out all over a hospital floor. All the while looking decidedly not that fucking near-death.
I mean, here^ it's a little The English Patient, but aside from some vaguely chapped lips...Christian looks fine. I've never seen anyone near death tho, so. Jinx!!
So, Joe's daddy dies! Natch, she fucks some dude at the hospital and there's some crying and a little bit I felt bad for her because who the fuck does Joe have now? Certainly not Connie Nielsen! Hmm, should I address that thing about how Joe "lubricated" while watching her father be dead? NO!
Moving on.
After this, Joe is talking about how she gets to a point where she's fucking like ten dudes a night. Um, ow. There's a fat dude who gives her a bath and eats her out and not simultaneously because that would be awkward and maybe he'd drown. Also there's some jaguar dude. He's pretty hot but also he looks like he'd steal your TV. Talking to Stellan about this time in her life, I think Joe says even tho she was gobbling all these cocks, she felt more alone than ever. I always feel weird whenever I'm watching something and people who "date" a lot express surprise about how alone and empty they feel. Um, since when has sex ever equated to companionship or meant you were fulfilling your soul in any way? Don't. Annoy me.
And then, Jerôme. I almost went back to fucking Netflix to screencap a pic of his little hand extended down to Joe...but, I feel weird about it. I feel weird about my love for Jerôme. There. I want to not love him. Ugh, I so get Joe. Like, I get it. But he comes back! And, in like, the most contrived way ever, right? Joe is doing one of her lonely walks and she sees these pictures all torn up on the path and surprisesurprise it's a photo of Jerôme and his wife. Apparently she tore them up in the midst of an argument. We know this because Jerôme says it because he's there. Fine. I don't care if it's forced I'm just glad he's back and also I hope I die soon. Please kill me please!!
Joe and Jerry (can't dô the ôs anymôre) jump right into the sex. It's actually sort of hot-ish. I mean, I guess some of the sex in this movie is hot? I thought the jaguar sex was hot. And um, what else? Do I really want to address what sex I thought was hot? Eh, I don't feel weird about it because I was deeply disturbed by pretty much all of it. Not that I think I'm superior for feeling mostly just disturbed. I don't even know if that's how I was supposed to feel. But I feel okay about my feelings regarding the sex. And I def thought the Joe and Jerôme (can't write Jerry anymore it's gross) ~reunited and it feels so good ugh stop~ sex was hot and like slow and sensual or whatever. BUT OF COURSE LARS HAS TO PULL OUT THE OL' PUNISH WOMEN THING.
This piece of shit ends vol. 1 with Joe on some "I can't feel anything" shit. OKAY, LARS. I see you. I see what you did there, you fucking prick. Ugh, and vol. 2 is like way worse, right? But secretly way better? I mean...Jamie Bell in a grey sweatshirt and then all that accidentally a horror movie shit Lars tries to pull at the end? Vagina wounds; the sex-addict meetings; Mia Goth's no eyebrows chic?? Ugh, I can't wait to embarrass myself writing about that shit. OMG I'M JUST RE-REMEMBERING THE ABORTION SCENE AND THE AFRICANS AND HOW LARS TRIED TO SLIP IN SCENES FROM ANTICHRIST LIKE NO ONE WOULD NOTICE. It's going to be a mess, I can't wait. No, seriously, hopefully I'll be dead before I finish writing about vol. 2 because honestly what the fuck am I doing
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