So Indian coon M. Night Shyamalan has brought us another horrific masterpiece. I mean horror masterpiece. How come M. Night's movies like never have Indians? I haven't seen all his movies, but I've seen most and where his peeps be? Or is he one of those? Lol you opened this post calling him an Indian coon, no need to play coy now. Anyway I'll never be shit but like what's with all these white people??????? And don't his movies be set in like Philly a lot???? When I think of Philly I don't think about whiteys I think about multicultural gutter trash, but maybe I have an incorrect idea of what all is going on there. But you can't convince me otherwise that M. Night not shit. He did do After Earth, but prob only cuz he was butt-probed into it by the aliens. He didn't feel that shit in his heart. (After Earth is underrated leave me alone! lol no it's pretty bad smh).
Wait, but imagine The Happening if it had Indians!! Imagine like any movie M. Night made but if it had Indians? Like, way more interesting, right? Jus sayin! I love The Sixth Sense, but imagine like Indians! Lol it's so simple and revolutionary. I don't understand! But like can we at least imagine The Happening w/o Marky Mark & Bang Face??? Or, honestly? Can we imagine The Happening but it never existed? That's the best scenario.
So The Visit actually wasn't too bad lmfao and smh. Um, sigh. So it's basically about these two ultra milk-fed white kids who go to visit their grandparents, whom they've never met, because their mother is estranged from them. So, this broad sends them off to live with the people she ran away from and hasn't seen in like fifteen years and oh, also doesn't drop them off to make sure everything is okay before she leaves her kids to stay with them for a week so she can go on some sad people cruise with her possibly latino boyfriend we never see on-screen (smh M. Night, are you against just any sign of color?!?).
So who's surprised when the grandparents turn out weird as fuck?? No one if you saw the trailer with the gramma asking the girl to climb in the oven. Also, there's just something about an old woman with long hair. Witch teas. My desired aesthetic. But it's an obvious tell.
So what are the weird shits the grandparents are doing? Wait, do I want to talk about the kids? They're cute. The boy is--They're both slightly annoying. They're white and look like mannequins at Gymboree. But they made me care about them, so it's successful acting mostly. The boy is more annoying because he has a lisp and, like, raps. It is HORRIFYING. I am not being hyperbolic. I had to skip that bit at the end because I would have had an aneurysm if I was forced to suffer through that. I think I also skipped the other time he "rapped" in the movie? It was so bad, I'm sorry, don't ever do that again. But aside from that, the boy is okay. He's actually the more...I think rational one? Or no lol, the one who wants to put up a camera to record the grandparents at night. Cuz duh! Also, he used the words "ratchet acne" to describe some ugly dude his sister had a crush on, and I will always love him for that.
The girl one has insecurities that did not seem to be of any real significance except to play into the whole kids of a broken home angle, which I guess was supposed to add the ~emotional feel~, but I didn't need all that. It was enough for the kids to be alone in the house with these creepy ass grandparents.
Let's tuck into the weirdness!:
-gramma spider-crawling like a crazy person under the crawlspace thing when the kids were messing around under there. Can we talk about how weird ass shit like this would happen and they'd just be like "lol wtf". NAH!!! I'M CALLING MY MOM AND TELLING HER ASS TO PICK ME THE FUCK UP RIGHT THIS INSTANT!! fuck you mean!!!!!
-OKAY LIKE WHEN THE BOY FOUND THE GRANDPA'S PILE OF SOILED DIAPERS IN THAT SHED!! UMMMMMM! NOOOOO I'M GOING HOME!!!!! They kept saying things like ~this is what old people do~ ~~this is how old people are~~ UM, SOO?! DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO STAY HERE AND BE CREEPED OUT AND BE SCARED?! NOOOOOOOO I'M GOING HOME!!
-and like they would skype their mom and be like...gramma and grandpa are being ~wëïrd~~ and the mom would kinda dismiss it because she was getting her groove back?? Um no I would go get my kids because like didn't she leave home for a reason, also isn't it weird how the grandparents are never around when the kids call her? I get she's estranged from them, but tbh she should've reconciled before sending her kids over there like wtf, or at least opened a line of communication so you can talk to them and make sure they're taking care of your kids properly LIKE WTF!! No but now it makes sense why M. Night uses white people a lot because they be on that bs and it just makes the ridiculousness of these movies go over better I guess
-the girl walked in on the grandpa clearly about to kill himself?? He had a shotgun in his mouth and she did nothing? WHAT DO U MEAN?! SHE SAW HIM BECAUSE SHE WAS RECORDING WHEN SHE WENT IN THERE!! WHAT the fuck!!!
-the gramma would be like scratching the walls up at night and running around and throwing up and shit and when the kids asked the grandpa about it he told them she had some sort of sundowners disease or some shit that makes old people go crazy when it gets dark out? UM OKAY I WANT TO GO HOME!!!
-um that dusty old broad asking baby girl to climb in the oven. UM, NOOOO?? THIS OVEN JUST WON'T GET CLEAN. Fuck you mean!! Then the boy going like "Gramma..." when she closed the door on the girl UM NO BEAT THAT BITCH'S ASS!! I don't get it...
So turns out the grandparents aren't even their actual gramps. I figured once the grandma "accidentally" broke the camera on their laptop, that it would turn out to be something in that vein. And def knew what the tea was when they fixed the camera and skyped their mom complaining about all the crazy shit lol and the girl turned the camera to the grandparents outside and the mom was like um, that's not your grandparents. It was a good moment, but is it me or SHOULD SHE NOT HAVE BEEN FREAKING OUT MORE! I would've been throwing up, LIKE RUN!!!! The fuck? Lol they was all way too calm. Does this kinda thing happen to white people a lot? Lol like WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!? The entire movie they was just all too nonchalant about mad alarming ass shit lol.
So they karate chopping the grandparents or whatever at the end of the movie. Honestly once we get the tea about them not being the real grandparents, but asylum escapees, it's like aight hurry up and get these fucking kids out the house. All in all, this was a pretty enjoyable movie tbh. The thing I require from any horror film is that they make me care about the characters and I cared about the kids and what happened to them, so it was a success for me. Well, mostly, let's not take it too far smh. But don't ever end a movie with a white kid rapping ever again or I will personally go to your home and take a shit on your head while you sleep, M. Night Shyamalan. Though you seem like you'd lowkey be into that. Hit me up if you are ;)
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