So there's a black dude and a white chick and they're moving into a new home. The black dude is played by that zesty, dread-having vampire from Twilight, so you know immediately not to care about what happens to them.
There's some creepy neighbor lady with a slowbus son who is like around all the time. Delivering cookies and shit and just being kind of a lowkey intrusion on the couple. It's like right away obvious that the neighbor lady is nefarious. This is one of those ~creepy house happenings~ type movies, but you can kinda gleam immediately that this isn't going to be a haunted house type of deal. Like as soon as we meet the neighbor lady she is instantly creepy, but being fake like she's just a long-suffering mom to some idiot son. It's like...it was obvious she wasn't a red herring (though she kind of was??), it was just obvious, whatever weird shit that was about to happen, would involve her somehow.
So the neighbor lady is poisoning the Woman Lead slowly over time. I don't know if the movie like doesn't want us to know this, but they do all these ominous, not at all subtle close-ups on the food as the woman is getting sicker and sicker and it's like, kaduh. Then there's all this weird stuff with some bird person. It's like some giant bird haunting the house, I guess? Anyway, DUH, turns out all the happenings were being caused by the neighbor lady. Her backstory was wild whack, too. Like, the house the lead couple moved into, the neighbor lady has been trying to get since like the seventies. I think her family used to have it, but it was taken from them maybe or went into foreclosure? And maybe apparently she was supposed to have the house at one point, but an Asian couple moved in before she could get it. SOOO she starts poisoning the wife half of that Asian couple, and then when she gets super-sick, she poses as a nurse so she can get into the house and further sicken the woman until she dies. Those were the previous inhabitants of the house, then the current swirl couple moves in.
I guess the crazy neighbor bitch tried to get the house after the Asian couple evacuated, but lost the bid to cookies and cream? And it's like, maybe chill? Lol, like for two seconds of your life, take a fucking chill pill. Whose crazy ass is spending mad time tryna poison people to death so they move out of a house you feel you deserve to own? Like, all that time you're spending shopping for poisoning and crazy bitch supplies, you could be making more money for your house-buying savings, or, I DON'T KNOW, getting your ass on zillow and finding another house???? Lol, like, what is you doing??
So towards the end, everyone finds out about the neighbor lady and her crazy schemes. The one black dude from Twilight the whole time was never really feeling the neighbor lady. He got them nigga spidey senses. Crazy bitch alert. But his wife was one of them, so couldn't see. She just saw another fellow WW and was all :). STUPID!
But PLOT TWIST, I guess?, turns out her slow bus son was like the mastermind behind all the crazy shit? I don't think so, though? I'm pretty sure it was mostly the mom? But maybe the son did some things? Lol they tried to pull a ~he's not really a retard he's Keyser Söze~>~> type deal where he switched from drooling to sneering with menace and pleasurement. And they implied he was the one killing everyone??? Um idk because it clearly seemed like it was just the mom. All of that was dumb, I think.
But check this. Ol' Ebony and Ivory head asses fucking, like, adopt this kid. Lol and this is a big bitch. This is practically a grown man. They're like you'll never be harmed again, and he in the backseat grinning to himself in an evil way and you know these idiots gon' get burned (like literally set on fire - i think the movie explained he was an arsonist?). But you don't care because you didn't connect to the main characters. Mainly cuz that n-word from Twilight had like a small fro and his hairline looked weird and there's just always something off about the interracial relationships in movies. Like they get the darkest dude lol and then some corny, Melissa George knock-off and you're like, girl hurry up and human centipede these fools or whatever so I can write my shitty blogpost about it and never think about this mess ever again. k great thanks :) no thank youuu!! thanks!!!
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