Hot Mess Express, Next Stop: Maps to the Stars (2014)

ugh

Um. 

I...idk. 

I almost made this a Masterpiece of Shit Theater episode, but...there was something very not masterpiece about how shitty this movie was. Hence the new category: Hot Mess Express ugh kill me die. Also, the movie wasn't...as shitty as it could be, despite an actual character setting themself on fire and it looked as fake as that CGI in Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling. There were also at least two Degrassi cast members here and...like...like I don't like seeing "actors" from Degrassi in real movies because it's like real world human beings acknowledging that show as something legitimate, which it very much is not. If Degrassi is on your resume, you don't have a resume as far as I'm concerned no shade I love you Degrassi but you're terrible let's keep it 100%. 

AlsoAlso! This movie was too fucking Canadian for my tastes. Like, it was supposed to be about Hollywood and all that bullshit, right? Which is very ~American EAGLE SOUNDS REGANOMICS UNITED STATES~~. However, this movie was just...so not Americany. First of all, a lot of the actors were not American. Like out of everyone, only Julianne Moore and John Cusack--who looks Canadian or like an Asian doing Michael Myers cosplay--were American? And then you have Mia Wasikowska doing her ~ameRican ACCent~ sounding very like posh Valley Girl? What is that? I mean, I guess?? Maybe the Weiss fam was supposed to be Canadian? Because like Benjie was modeled after Justin Bieber, right? Fine, but ugh. Fine. The Weiss family can be expats because Hollywood is full of them and I guess that's very. But miss me with the name Havana Segrand. Like, that's so Canadian. American movie stars have like okie doke ass names. Brad, Ben, George. Wait those are all dudes. Who's a woman star? Angelina Jolie. Hmmm okay that's...sort of French. Angelina's excused tho cuz she's Hollywood royalty and of course she wouldn't have a proper name! Oh...wait...so was Havana...I guess...what with her mom being like some indie acting legend or whatever bullshit. Okay, so, I guess. But okay why was her ~rival~ named Starla Gent? And she looked so...so Canadian and redheaded gah idk everything just seemed so off. Like Bizarro World America, which is how all Canadian productions seem and I could just tell this was made by a Canadian okay and it was just fucking off. But maybe that was the point? Don't ever have that be the point. 

This movie was a fucking mess from beginning to end. I enjoyed some aspects, though. Like, I thought there were some legit funny moments. Like Benjie calling that little kid actor a "piece of shit". Benjie in general was sort of really killing me in a mostly good way? S I GH. Also I died screaming when Stafford started punching his daughter in the gut. WHO...WHO DOES THAT?! HE JUST STARTED PUNCHING HER IN THE STOMACH I'M SCREEEEAAAMINNNNG. I thought it was very white people and Hollywood of Stafford and Christina the way they reacted to their daughter. Christina being "scared" of Agatha? Lol um. Okay, yeah, she set the house on fire. But she was eleven. And deranged. Like, I get being afraid, but she was also a kid and also your daughter and like who just sends their kid off to a mental asylum and never visits them wtf?? Or did they feel guilty about Agatha being a product of incest and...like just didn't want those bad vibes around messing up their...neat little situation? Also, what was up with the incest stuff?? I love incest stuff (sometimes), but here it was weird. Like it was called out in the movie "Oh, incest is so tired!", but then...there were like threads of it all over the actual film??? And yeah, you're right, it is tired. Nothing new was being done here so...like was it a satire about...incest themes or?? I felt like Cronenberg was trying to do something....wait - was he implying...Hollywood is the way it is because...everyone's...in some way a product or victim of incest? Lol, sure. Fine. I'll buy it. 

I sort of loved Julianne Moore here, I think. I haven't seen Still Alice yet, but lowkey I feel like she should've won the Oscar for this mess instead of that. Like, she was doing everything, and it was sort of amazing. She played Havana sort of like if Lindsay Lohan lives past forty. Though, Havana seems to have slightly more clout than Lindsay. Like, she's getting auditions and getting considered for things, at least. And she doesn't seem to be a crackhead. I mean, in spirit, yes, but never once in the movie does she inhale crack drugs. I think. Does she? No, right? Probably coke at least. And like diarrhea tablets from Whole Foods? What are...diarrhea tablets, sweetie :)?

I liked Mia, too. I mean, I always do, I think. She's intriguing. I'm confused about everything concerning her character, though. First of all, why was everyone acting like she was some psycho insane burned up ass freak? Like, she was, but not to the extent everyone was acting? Like her burns weren't even that bad? I would just mistake it for bad skin? But the dude on the set of that sci-fi show is like GET SOME COLOR ON YOUR UGLY ALIEN MAKEUP. lol, please and no. And then Havana asks Robert Pattinson's skull what's in it for him, romancing Agatha? And it's like...um, sex and she's cute? Like??? She's not fucking Rocky Dennis - what is everyone's damage? 

Okay and like what was that shit with her brother? Was she in love with him? And what was that chant thing they kept saying? And what was the whole tie-in when they got "married" at the end? And there was like a "map" to the stars HAHA GET IT. No, seriously, what was the entire actual fucking point of this movie? Clearly, many things went over my head. Do you think if I tweeted at Carrie Fisher and asked her "wtf??" she'd explain things? I don't want her to like...invite me to her house, though. What if she plays me "Hearts and Bones" and explains in a "comical" and "poetic" way about how Paul Simon wouldn't let her do anal on him? Sigh, I think...I'll...just go to my grave not knowing (or, caring, really) wtf this movie was trying to say. I'm good.