Baby the Rain Must Fall (1965)

What is this^ poster? "Don't call him no damn good...not in front of her!" Welp, you know what - he isn't no damn good! Wait, no - double negatives, even in country-speak. He sucks. Who is the "he" I am referring to, tho? Who is the poster referring to? Steve McQueen, or the dumb ass fake-ass Elvis, fake-ass JCash, fake-ass Paul Newman, fake-ass James Dean character he was playing, Henry Thomas? Or maybe his name was Cal, or maybe it was Hud, or, idk nigga - Cool Hand Luke, perchance?? Wow this movie was really lame, like, if you consider just the script. It was very copycat of other way better, or at least more interesting, movies/plays. But then you throw copycat ass Steve McQueen on top and I'm just like siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. If you're going to give me reheated leftovers, at least give me an intriguing lead. And, ugh, isn't the lead in this movie lowkey supposed to be Lee Remick's character? Buttttt there's like so much focus on McQueen's character and his mommy issues or whatever and his shitty songs. Wow, everything was so terrible lol

So I guess I really hate Steve McQueen? Because this movie was really mediocre, but I've seen like 12,000 versions of it with like Joan Crawford and I don't even care about mediocrity when Joan Crawford and her fucking eyebrows are around tearing shit up. And I wouldn't even hate this particular movie if Steve McQueen was played by literally maybe anyone else?? The whole time I'm just waiting for James Dean to crawl out of some hole, or Paul Newman to pop up with his pinky ring wearing some little jacket thing. Why is Paul Newman wearing a jacket thing? I don't really fucking know, but I've definitely just inspired myself to go look up that one pic of him I really love above all the many pics of Paul Newman I love. 

YES! this one ugh lol what am I doing and why is this my favorite pic of him when pics like

^this exist??? Idk but that cigarette in the mouth with the popped little fur-ish collar is how Paul Newman materializes in my brain whenever I think of him. Which is a lot, because I'm cool like that. It's weird how I've never bought any of his salad dressings. And I eat salads! Sometimes!! And I think proceeds from the salad dressings go to charity or some shit! Maybe to onion-headed cancer kids! Why am I...like this??

Hmmm, I think I have an attitude about Steve McQueen because I felt like he tried to dethrone Newman? And he's nowhere even remotely close to him talent-wise?? Like, is McQueen a loon??? But maybe I'm being a little bit unfair dismissing him so thoroughly. Because I can't really recall too many fucking movies I've seen him in besides this one I'm talking about today and, like, The Towering Fucking Inferno - which, just no. Also I tried to watch The Thomas Crown Affair once, but twenty minutes in...I wanted to be detonated, shot from a cannon ball, granulated, killed like an animal, decapitated, hit like a baseball, emancipated, etcetc. Ya know? Like, what's...with all the shit? lol So, I don't actually even really know if this McQueen pal is talented or not, but judging from his performance in this Baby the Rain Must Fall hack ass bullshit, I would say he should take his ass back to Stella Adler's or wherever the fuck, because the nigga needs more work. 

SO I hate Steve McQueen and everything he stands for. lol, no, I hated him in this movie tho. I was just...irritated. But I liked some things about the movie. So I'll talk about that in an effort to be less negative so all the cancers laying low in my body don't get confident and try to metastasize. lol who am I kidding, only living beings can get cancer. Not one hundred year old exhumed corpses :) I'm a mummy :) 

-I liked Lee Remick. I always like her. Though I can't tell if it's because she's talented, or I just really love her face. She's one of those. Ugh there are so many actors that I can't tell if they're legit good or I just like looking at their eyeballs. Or their noses. Or their hands. Like, I think I almost entirely love Jeremy Renner because of his hands. NO, HE'S TALENTED AND I CAN TELL AND OMG

LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING CONSTRUCTION WORKER BOB THE BUILDER ASS DAMN HANDS LORRRRRRRRRD :(

So I liked Lee Remick in this. Good job Lee keep up the good work !! ugh

Oh, also, the daughter. She was a cutie pie. I liked her. 

AND LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW ALL OF HENRY'S SONGS WERE GARBAGE AND HOW HARD LEE AND THAT LITTLE GIRL HAD TO PRETEND THEY THOUGHT THEM SHITS WERE GOOD. HENRY IS ALL "I'M GONNA MOVE TO HOLLYWOOD AND BE THE NEXT ELVIS"

EXACTLY. GIVE THIS BITCH AN OSCAR. or, maybe not, because she's supposed to be acting like she believes in him so lol

-I also loved Estelle Hemsley 

who played Kate Dawson's like maid or slave or some shit. WHOO BOY! THIS BITCH WAS KILLING ME! I am distraught that I don't have a gif of that moment when Henry was trying to get big from behind the screen door and Estelle Hemsley is like "go up and tell her, then" and Henry is like "okay, i will" AND THE WAY THIS BITCH FLIPS UP THE LOCK ON THE DOOR. Whoooooooo! lol God, that moment totally made up for the rest of the completely horrible rest of the movie. My queen. Also, no shade, but...is she related to Sherman Hemsley? Is she his mom? Or, some shade, his sis?? 

Honorable mention goes to 

-Don Murray for not annoying the shit out of me. I think I've only ever seen him in that miserable shit Bus Stop and I swear to god if that's your first Don Murray movie you will never want to see this nigga's face on your screen ever again. But I didn't know he was in this lol because if I did it would've never been watched let's keep it real. But I'm glad I did watch it, because now I know Don's terrible performance in Bus Stop was not his fault, but the director's. Okay, we're cool now, Don. For now. 

-Kate Dawson for being onscreen for like 5.2 seconds and having like two lines and being a corpse and fucking. killing. it. Wow why couldn't this movie have been all about the shit that went on between Kate and Catherine in that house? Fuck Henry and his deadbeat dad, no child support paying, honky tonk ass bullshit - Kate and Catherine were giving me very much What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? AND I WANT ALL THE SCENES FROM THEIR VERSION PLEASE THANK YOU HURRY UP. Ugh, this movie could've done so much. Like you're giving me Spider Baby tease for goodness sake but you end with some cliché-ass drive off into the sunset bullshit. AND WHERE THE FUCK DON MURRAY GOIN??? IS HE GOIN WITH LEE AND HER KID TO FUCKING CALIFORNIA?? ISN'T HE A SHERIFF OR SOME SHIT?? LIKE THIS NIGGA REALLY WAS LIKE A LAMPPOST THEY WERE DRAGGING FROM SCENE TO SCENE FOR RANDOM DECORATION - I MEAN!! But do I actually mean??? That is the question. No, this fucking movie is the question. 

What is the answer?