Dark Summer (2015)

Goodnight, moon.

What was this? What was any of this? When I read the description thing for this mess on Netflix it was like "Cyber-bully gets on house arrest and while on house arrest the tables are turned on him". Hmm. That doesn't sound even remotely appealing, but I'm a piece of garbage, so it was at least intriguing enough to get me to watch from the perspective of "I can talk shit about this mess on my blog no1 reads". The Netflix description made it sound like some shitty Lifetime film, but I could tell straight away this was some try-hard indie mess if not for the casting of Keir Gilchrist alone. Remember when he was Moosh on United States of Tara? Then he did that shitty fake ass One Flew with Emma Roberts and now look: this. Dark Summer. A movie worse than even its not totally accurate description made it seem. I'm still mad about United States of Tara getting cancelled. 

So what this movie was really about was some weirdo kid who had a way too intense crush on this girl at school whom he never talked to. She's like a Hot Topic spokesmodel or something and so ~mysterious~ and it's like...is this 2003? Am I back to being a huge super-fan of Evanescence? Is this kid for real? Okay so like he hacks this bitch's email or whatever and...ends up on house arrest. His...house arrest officer person is played by Peter Stormare and I truly have no idea why. Not even that this dude is like super A-list or famous or relevant but it just...seems like his presence is meant to be significant. But it's like...this movie is mad dumb. And this dude is a pretty good actor even though all the time I can detect his weird ass accent. Why is he here?? What has he done to end up in this? Maybe he refused to molest some kids idk.

So Keir is on house arrest for stalking some bitch and hacking her computer shit. The officer dude says Keir is not allowed to use the computer and internet and stuff and this movie is annoying me so much already like three minutes in. I hate how Keir looks, I hate how the movie looks, I hate the way the officer is talking, I hate how this stupid idiot bitch is on house arrest for fucking hacking some weirdo girl's e-mail, I hate Keir's ugly friends, I hate how this boy has no parents around, I hate how he eats cereal, I hate the way he types on the computer, I hate the token black friend for not peaceing out of this weird mess the minute his ugly friend got arrested for figuring out some bitch's g-mail password - I just hate everything and all of this. But anyway like I said I'm garbage so instead of turning this mess off and, idk, getting my life together or something productive such as that, I what? I continued to watch!!!

What makes this shit even worse is that this trash is supposed to be a horror film. LOL!!! I mean...I guess how bad it is is horrifying? But tbh it'd only be horrifying if like most movies, specifically "horror films", were good. In a delusional made-up fucking fantasy world where most horror films are at least a little bit passable, Dark Summer would be horrifying solely for being shit. But that world does not exist, so Dark Summer can't even get scary points for how bad it is. It's not even the worst horror film I've seen, and honestly that makes it that much more pathetic. If you're not going to even try to be good or worthy of existing, go big and just completely flatline on that ass. Well, I guess Dark Summer did that? Nah but how can you even flatline if your heart was never beating to begin with? This is a super deep blog written by a FUCKING MANIAC. 

Nah but literally no one who has watched this movie enjoyed it or thought it was good. I would put my life on that. Which means mainly nothing as I wish to die literally 25 hours a day, but even if I didn't I'd still put my life on the fact that no one who has ever seen this shit has not regretted their entire existence afterwards. 

So Keir goes on the internet anyway eventho the officer dude said not to!!! Oooooh, we've got a Billy Badass on our hands!! What cute thing happens while Keir is illegally online is that the bitch he was stalking fucking videochats him as she's committing suicide! Aww romance. The officey nigga shows up @ the house like "I know u had something to do with this blah blah". It's like girl okay literally no one cares why am i watching this. 

CAN WE TALK ABOUT KEIR'S FRIENDS REAL QUICK?! Okay so there's the token negra one that I talked about before. He used to be some child actor right? Playing Jamie Foxx's son or someone's son in some shit, non? I'm not gonna look because who really fucking cares, but yeah he was! Now he's grown up and in post child actor hell I guess. Let's just clap that he's not Orlando Brown or one of those pug-ass Massey brothers and keep it cute and moving!! Lowkey the token was the best part of the movie because he threw some good side-eye in several scenes

however, his dumb black ass ended up getting killed so it kind of cancels out the side-eye nvm.com. 

The other friend is some depressing, pathetic bitch who's in love with Keir. 

(ugh)

She gives this nigga a star jar. Biiiiiiitch. 

AND IT'S SO FUNNY BECAUSE HE DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT AT ALL! HE JUST LIKE BREAKS IT!! AND THEN SHE CLEANS IT UP!!! *screams til dies* Someone fast-forward this ho a copy of He's Just Not That Into You. Her character was extra-pathetic and I was kind of feeling some type of way about it. Like why was she...so into Keir? 

Like....???

So like okay how is this movie a horror film, you ask? (I know u didn't...) *claps* Well!! *throws up* I DON'T! *shits* KNOW!!

What...happens...is...sigh...I...

Idk. Look the suicided girl...turns out she was a witch or some shit? Which, like, 

Annnnnd. She did some love spell mess on Keir, which is why he was obsessed with her and hacking into her gmail account and shit. Whatever. She ends up possessing the body of...the pathetic friend. But I don't think--I think the friend was pathetic before getting possessed, so still no explanation for that mess. And uhhh...idk the movie ends with the possessed friend cutting Keir's...leg off and then...dragging him away somewhere? And the officey dude comes to the house like "Keir?" and I think the movie ends? I completely forgot how it ended but I spent the...like almost the entirety of the movie just like...daydreaming of a better one. Kind of disassociating and leaving my body and going to somewhere where something less terrible was occurring. So if you love mental illness and not getting any help for yourself, watch Dark Summer.