Boyfriends: The Defiant Ones (1958)

I really love Sidney Poitier and Tony Curtis. Especially Poitier. I can't tell if they're legit ~good actors~, but I just love everything they give me. They're both really charismatic and interesting and I like their faces. My reasons for liking pretty much any actress/actor always boils down to: do I like their face? And I really really love both of their faces. So this movie is a special treat (uggggh) for me - to have two faces I really love doing basically gay interracial porn. IT'S MY DREEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM.

Before I get into cumming all over this shit (NO), I'd first like to address some interesting facts (facts??) I read on the imdb trivia page for this movie. Okay, FIRSTLY, Robert Mitchum was a "veteran" of a fucking real-life goddamn chain gang? WHO DOES THAT?? What was he even in prison for--NO, YOU KNOW WHAT, DON'T WANT TO KNOW. But lol @ him turning down the role of the white one because he didn't believe a white dude and a black dude would be chained up together. First off, that's addressed in the film as the warden or whatever having ~a sense of humor~. Also, this is, like, allegorical or some shit?? And don't even try to come @ me on some Robert Mitchum gives a shit about realism bullshit. lol, please. And then everyone thought maybe he was sort of racist after that. lol, um, he probably was?????? 

Okay the next piece of trivia is that Tony Curtis insisted Sidney Poitier get top billing. First off: hold on there, Tony. Calm down. You're showing your white guilt. You're being very obvious. Does Sidney deserve top-billing? Yes, because he's the greatest. But...I feel like they share equal screentime so let's all just simmer the fuck down. But I can imagine Tony feeling really proud of himself and patting himself on the back like YES, I HAVE BLACK FRIENDS AND WE'RE EQUALS AND I'M BASICALLY CASSAVETES WHEN HE DID SHADOWS. I've made all this up in my head basically, but it's also probably 100%%% super-fucking accurate, so. Also, I love how no one listened to Tony, right? Like, did Poitier even get top billing, lol omg

Another thing that's mentioned is that T-Curt wanted to take this part to break away from all the pretty boy roles he'd been given (lol). But the director, Stanley Kramer, had "misgivings" (lol). Eventually, imdb trivia tells me, he "ultimately relented". Did...T-Curt blow him?? Doesn't it sound like...Stanley Kramer did not want T-Curt anywhere near his fucking picture but...something happened. Either T-Curt blew him, or the studio barked in Stanley's face that he had to hire him. I'm just imagining him being really annoyed he couldn't get Brando. Or, fucking Elvis. SPEAKING OF EITHER OF THESE INDIVIDUALS BEING UP FOR THE ROLE. Brando? Eh, okay. He maybe would have done something interesting, but also I don't think I can imagine him playing well with whoever his co-star would've been. I feel he'd try to make it a ~Brando Picture~, when this is wayyyy more of a teamwork kind of thing. And, omg, imdb tells me Sammy Davis Jr. was up at one point for the Cullen part. Jesus. I mean, maybe. I really liked him in A Man Called Adam, but...I don't know if I would've been into him here. Especially not if he was paired up with fucking Elvis Presley omg that would have been a possibly stupendous disaster. I almost want that version now.

Thank god though that Curtis and Poitier ended up being ultimately cast. I think they're both really perfect, even though Poitier seems a little...too high-class or something to be playing a former farmer in prison for attempted manslaughter or some shit. Like, he's trying to do sort of this po' Southern hominy-eating accent, but all his uppity-ness, if you will, is screaming through lol. I love it, I don't care. And Curtis, on the other hand, I don't know what the fuck he's doing. And why--WHY IS HE, LIKE, BLACKER THAN POITIER. Right? Am I fucking tripping or he is basically doing jive turkey up in this bitch? HE IS, RIGHT??? Like, Charlie Potatoes??? 

WHAT IS HE DOING?!?! It's so funny, like every time he opens his mouth I'm like...does this nigga have re-re-vitiligo or some shit lol omg. He's doing way too much. 

Okay, wait, let me start at the beginning. I love how I'm--ugh. OKAY. So the movie starts with Sidney Poitier singing fucking slave hymns in the back of some, idk, prison car? I guess maybe the chain gang works on their chain gang activities and then they're carted back to the prison after they're done? Whatever, they're in the back of some van thing with some other chain gang couples. The dudes driving the car are like SHUT UP, POITIER. And then T-Curt gets annoyed, too, and he's like STOP SINGING NIGGER. Poitier, to say the least, is not totally cool with T-Curt calling him the n-word. They start tussling. #needsmoreroughgaysex The drivers are like HEY SHUT UP SIT DOWN or whatever. Then, CAR CRASH ACCIDENT THING. I think a bunch of people die lol idk, but T-Curt and Poitier end up escaping. 

Then some fucking cops show up. To be honest, I barely paid attention to the scenes with the police and the dude with the blood hounds or whatever. It's just, ugh, why can't this movie be pretty much all one-on-one scenes with Poitier and T-Curt trying to escape all these forces chasing them off-screen? Why do we need these fucking scenes with the cops and the lynch mob or whatever? Is it, like, a political thing? I was thoroughly annoyed, because it took away from time I could be watching Poitier and T-Curt arguing and then angrily, in that sexually frustated sort of way, sharing a cigarette. WHY CAN'T THIS MOVIE JUST BE ALL THEM SHARING A CIGARETTE AND CALLING EACH OTHER NIGGER AND HONKY AND THEN FINALLY, ANAL INSERTION??? WHHYY, MOVIE, WHHYYY? Why is Hollywood, like, so base? It's fucking tedious and annoying, bro.  

BUT ANYWAY! T-Curt and Poitier are on the run, the lam. ugh. And they're, like, arguing, because, race stuff. 

(they talk really intensely like this^)

And T-Curt is especially dickish. He goes on some ranty-ass tangent about how he hates the words "thank you". How he used to work as a valet or some shit and he had to say thank you to the richies when they gave him their cars to park. Poitier is all "such is life". And T-Curt is all YEAH SEE HOW MUCH MONEY YOU MAKE SAYING "THANK YOU" - THAT'S WHY I STEAL. Logic, yo. And then Poitier talks about how he hates certain words, too. Like, for instance, "nigger". Then T-Curt is insane and is like UM, GET OVER IT, PEOPLE CALL ME HONKY ALL THE TIME AND I DON'T CARE. lol, not the same thing, but okaaaaaay. And he's such a douche - like, HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING ON SOME CRAZY ASS RANT ABOUT HAVING TO SAY A COMMON POLITE PHRASE BUT POITIER EXPRESSES DISTATE FOR PEOPLE CALLING HIM A NIGGER AND YOU'RE LIKE "UGH, SHUT UP, GET OVER IT". Um, did Poitier say that to you? Ugh, he's soooooo annoying. And of course this causes a tussle. And of course Poitier would win, right? He's like a foot taller than T-Curt. Like, does T-Curt think he would survive any to-the-death brawl? Is he--well, he's clearly insane. He clearly has many problems. Like, he calls himself Charlie Potatoes. IN A SERIOUS MANNER. 

I like when they start ~working together~ and becoming best frands. Well, it's sort of necessary. Like, they're chained together and constantly fighting. Do you want to get caught and killed? COME ON, TEAMWORK. What comes first: the clay hole thing or them being caught up in that town??? omg I can't remember but it's cute when they work together to get out of that clay hole and they're all wet and muddy and it's super erotic and then afterwards Poitier like delicately inspects T-Curt's wrist and says his wound looks like it might be infected and T-Curt, a dick, like rips his arm away. He's all: I DON'T NEED YOU DOING ANY FAVORS FOR ME. And Poitier is all "I'm not doing you any favors..." LIKE IT'S THE SADDEST MOST ROMANTIC THING OF ALL TIME???!!? Is it just me or is this the cutest thing ever and he deserves wayyyy better than a dude seriously calling himself Charlie Potatoes? T-Curt makes up for it though by relenting and allowing Poitier to pack his wound with mud. Then he's nastily like "THANK YOU". Ah, what a dreamboat.

Okay, yeah, so I think maybe them going to the town happens after this? They want to steal some food and supplies and stuff, but they wait for the townspeople to go to sleep. Once they do, they break into some store. From the roof. They're climbing down into this store from the roof fucking chained together. As expected, things go super-well. Or, the opposite of that? T-Curt is being the dead weight as usual and ends up falling into the store, bringing his boo down with him. There's all these loud crashing sounds. The entire town of about fifty angry white people wakes up. YAY, COOL. So they get really excited about lynching. They can't wait. Well, at least one dude in particular. HE IS SO EXCITED TO LYNCH. But I guess they feel some sort of way about lynching them both. Particularly since T-Curt is discovered to be white. Like, I don't think you can just lynch white people. T-Curt mentions how there's always a reward for turning in escaped convicts/criminals, and the Lynch Happy dude is all like "YEAH, DEAD OR ALIVE". But you can tell he sort of just wants them to confess that it was Poitier's idea to break into the store (and I think some townsdude got hurt???), so they don't have to kill T-Curt. They won't confess to anything; Lynch Happy tells Poitier to spit on T-Curt but Poitier spits on Lynch Happy, instead. Lynch Happy gut-punches Poitier and IT'S SO CUTE EVEN THOUGH HE'S HURT. HE LIKE, LAYS HIS PAINED HEAD ON T-CURT'S CHEST. Ugh and then T-Curt ruins this beautiful moment by being all "YOU CAN'T LYNCH ME - I'M WHITE!!" Cool. 

Lon Chaney Jr. is here and he makes some big speech. Like, YOU REALLY WANT TO LYNCH THESE MEN, OKAY, DO IT. He's holding out a torch. Oh, wait--he had a torch. lol So maybe they weren't going to lynch and maybe he said something like DO YOU WANT TO BURN THESE MEN'S EYEBALLS OUT?? HERE - DO IT.  Something like that. And it's super-hilar when Lynch Happy steps forward to accept the torch and burn the shit out of them lol and then LCJ like decks the shit out of him. Tooooo funny. Eventually they just tie Poitier and T-Curt up in a barn. 

(they look sexily @ each other like this)

Then Lon Chaney Jr. shows up and...lets them go. BECAUSE HE'S AN ESCAPED CHAIN GANG DUDE, TOO. Cool. You know whatever he did to get locked-up was insane. Like, he dressed up as a fucking clown and killed ALL THE KIDS. You just know. As they're leaving, Poitier is like CAN WE GET DAT CROWBAR?? And LCJ is like, don't push ur luck, son. It's funny that Poitier thought his black ass was about to get something extra. Like, he released you........just leave?? lol 

Then, Billy. 

Billy, Billy, Billy. You damn dumb idiot. First, Billy initially has a gun. He's pointing it at T-Curt and Poitier when he stumbles upon them. AND THEN HE JUST STANDS THERE AND LETS THEM FUCKING TAKE IT FROM HIM. What a goddamn fucking simpleton. And then he falls and hits his idiot head because they push him. Actually, I think it was specifically T-Curt. Poitier is the one who picks him up and knocks him back to consciousness. But of course Billy is terrified of Poitier's black face AND RUNS INTO T-CURT'S ARMS. Or, he like, goes over to hide behind him and grab onto his derrière (TONY CURTIS' ASS, THO). Billy is a fucking dumb ass idiot. It's just, shocking to me for some reason? I don't know, but he's an idiot and he tells them all his personal information. FOR INSTANCE, WHO HE LIVES WITH AND WHERE. Dummy. I mean, I guess he ultimately fucked up when he let them take the gun. He should've just told them to shoot him in the fucking face after that. I mean, there's no living after that. There's no need for you to still be alive on Earth. 

Billy, still alive for some reason, takes Poitier and T-Curt back to his house where his thirsty ass mommy is there being thirsty as all fuck. 

("THIRSTY???")

It's funny how these two dudes roll up in fucking chains and her first reaction is to be racist and not make a plate for the black one. HMM, BITCH, MAYBE HAVE SOME FEELINGS ABOUT HOW THESE ESCAPED CONVICTS JUST BUST INTO YOUR HOME AND MAYBE DON'T JUST BE IMMEDIATELY OKAY WITH T-CURT'S CHARACTER BECAUSE HE'S WHITE. HE'S WHITE AND A FUCKING ESCAPED CONVICT. God, the thirst is strong in this one. You'd think this bitch had been living in the fucking Sahara subsisting on a diet of fucking sandcakes with a glass of delicious goddamn sand juice. Like, damn bitch, fall wayyyyyyyy the fuck back. AND SHE IS ALLLLLLLL OVER T-CURT. Look, I get it. But you're missing out on some sweet double pen action by ignoring Poitier entirely. COME ON, HO. How you gon' be thirsty as fuck but ignoring whole entire niggas? THAT'S NOT HOW BEING THIRSTY WORKS. You want to be gobbling all the cocks, all the time. Ugh, come on. 

So T-Curt and Poitier get unchained and T-Curt gets some head from United Thirst Nations over there. Then she tells him how she has a car and they can escape together - without Poitier. NO. But she's all like "We won't get caught. They're looking for a white man and a black dude not A MAN AND WIFE". OOOOOOOOOOOOH BOY. And then she tries to pretend like she cares about Poitier's well-being, mentioning how him and T-Curt splitting up would help him, too. Poitier walks in on this little discussion AND MY HEART BREAKS FOR HIM. Like, his boyfriend is a fucking whore-ass douche. HOW COULD YOU JUST LEAVE, POITIER? I'm gonna have to get on #TeamMitchum right about now and call this movie out for being super-unrealistic lol. LIKE, NOPE. But Poitier, classy, doesn't beg and plead for T-Curt not to leave him. He's just like *shrug* even though he's totally DYING INSIDE. Thirst gives him directions to some train, and then tells him to go through the swamp so the blood hounds or whatever won't smell him. Poitier leaves and T-Curt's bye-bye to him is TOTALLY UNSATISFACTORY. I bet T-Curt would be a shit top. Like, he'd cum in two seconds and then fall asleep while inside you. Lame.

After Poitier dips, Thirst immediately spills that she basically directed Poitier into a hell trap. Like, he'll die in the swamp due to either quicksand (which is apparently a real thing that exists in real-life, not just The NeverEnding Story) or "bogs", which my ipad dictionary thing tells me is "wet muddy ground too soft to support a heavy body". Um, rude. T-CURT FLIPS HIS SHIT ON THIS BITCH. And it's beautiful. Now, do I like how basically the only woman in this film is portrayed? Nah. But I'm ignoring my uncomfy feelings about that to just LUXURIATE in T-Curt going off on this bitch. He's all: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME, BITCH! Like, really yelling in this bitch's face. It's...divine. And then Billy's dumb ass shows up, BELATED AS FUCK, to shoot T-Curt in his shoulder. OKAY, BILLY. ugh. But T-Curt runs off to go find his boo-boo and hopefully be better than Atreyu at saving his beloved from drowning in fucking quicksand and/or "bogs". 

omg T-Curt is like running through the swamp with his fucking shoulder wound going "COLORED! COLORED!!". Look, I heard "colored" the entire movie. Possibly he was calling Poitier "Cullen", his character's last name, but I'm like 77% sure he was saying "colored". So, we're going with that. So T-Curt is desperately screaming out for his "Colored", trying to find his probably quicksand-drowned body, and my heart is totally breaking for him even though he's been a huge dick like the entire movie, even when he and Poitier started becoming best frands/lovers?? But I just really want him to find his boo. And he does! Poitier is just standing there like "What do you want?" UGH, IT'S SO CUTE. T-Curt is like um, did you not hear me calling you or....... 

And then Poitier is like "what happened to your shoulder?" ahhh it's so cute because they both totally fucking h8 Billy right? But there's no time for T-Curt to be bitching about yet another injury, they have to go because they're being chased or the bogs or whatever. Eventually they get up out of the swamp and they reach the train. But of course 4ever Dead W8 T-Curt can't grasp onto Poitier's hand and get on the train. 

(Poitier looks like this^. He does all the heavy lifting in this relationship. Super power bottom)

They end up tumbling away from the train and falling into some grass all exhausted and shit. Then some cigarette smoking time. It's very postcoital. It's always postcoital; this whole movie. They're being aggressively chased by that cop and those dogs and stuff I mentioned earlier. They decide to just give up. I think T-Curt says something about how they gave them a good run. GOD BUT WHO CARES ABOUT ANY OF THAT BECAUSE LOOK

LOOK AT THIS^ BEAUTIFUL MESS. POITIER. PUTS. HIS FUCKING CIG. INTO T-CURT'S. LITTLE. MOUTH HOLE. uggggggggggggggggggggggh it's so cute. And then T-Curt says some super gay shit about how Poitier would make someone a good wife someday. WHAT??? THIS MOVIE IS TOTALLY GAY!!! I'M NOT ~READING TOO MUCH INTO IT~. IT'S JUST OBVIOUSLY ABOUT TWO HOMO QUEERS. Ugh then Poitier starts serenading T-Curt with those loud-ass slave hymn yelps. It's glorious. I hope they get to fucking bunk together in priz. PLEASE GIVE ME THAT SEQUEL.