Speaking of Little Shop of Horrors, a movie that does not make me want to cry on the toilet, Rick Moranis is here playing, essentially, "Jew". Capital J, son. Hmmm, I'm embarrassed for whoever wrote this, and Ricky Moron for accepting the role. I mean, I guess a check is a check, but - come on. I'm going to ignore the gigantic flashing neon crossed-out menorah sign and just address how fucking annoying Billy Fish was.
ugh. Always popping off at the mouth and shit. Boo, you're like eleven inches tall. He's playing Ellen Aim's manager/boyfriend and he's super-obnoxious and a total caricature. Ugh, look. I sort of get maybe all this campy/1-dimensional character-drawing was...intentional? But what I definitely don't get is why it was done intentionally. If you're self-aware-ish, why not just...intentionally...make a not completely surface, super dumb ass dummy movie??? I feel I could excuse this movie more if it didn't look like everything was done the way it was purposely. (Like if completely accidentally, through no fault of its own, it was entirely fucking terrible). But I feel like, even if a lot of the dumbness/badness was intentional, they were still being completely fucking serious about a lot of other things.
Let's address...god, so much intentional/unintentional bad to choose from. Let's do McCoy. When Amy Madigan showed up I got a little excited because I think of her as a legit, respectable actress, and so I thought: if she's in this, it can't be that bad. And yes, I heard much about this movie before watching it - primarily that it was a so bad it's good "cult classic".
So when Amy shows up it's like Oh, okay. But...hmmmm. Because I think before we meet McCoy we meet Bill Paxton's goofy ass rocking a VERY OBVIOUSLY FAKE missing tooth???
But anyway, unfortunately, back to McCoy. So much problematic with McCoy. Ugh, where to even fucking begin. First, her hair.
I feel like this is just Amy Madigan's hair and, if so, fine. But wtf is that hat? And what are those clothes she's wearing?? Are you an airplane mechanic from WWII or some shit, McCoy? No, you are homeless and unemployed. I guess they say how McCoy was a soldier and she just got back from war?? So, maybe that explains her horrifying appearance? What's never explained is why this fucking movie is using "soldier" as a euphemism for LESBIAN. Is this supposed to be some sort of joke? LOL, MOVIE. LOL. Like, they think they're being really clever and funny or some shit but it just comes across like they're afraid to have an out gay character in their movie. Even though McCoy is very obviously a profesh scissorer of bitches with her repeated "you're not my type"s to Cody and being all "I lived with a man AND THEN I JOINED ARMY". Ugh. Are they trying to imply going to war made McCoy a lezzer? Or, she was already a lezzer and that explains her being a female and joining ~the army~? Gag me with a thousand jizzcocks, like, 4 srs. AND WHAT WAS THAT ENDING? What the fuck with Cody and McCoy riding off into the sunset?? WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T MCCOY GET THAT FISHNET STRIPPER BITCH'S DIGITS??
(hotter than Cody, jus sayin')
Who the fuck rides off into the sunset with lame-ass, trying way too hard Tom "Benadryl" Cody????
Speaking of making me drowsy as fuck, causing me to nod off to fucking sleep:
Ladies and gents, Tom Cody!!!! Just. At first, I was into it. Michael Paré is hot. Not in any sort of striking, remarkable way. He's just...very not ugly? And I guess I was into his little baby facial hair? And initially, definitely into the ~deep voice~. Quickly, however, the ~deep voice~ became the monotone voice. Wake up, dummy! He was very sleepy and very one-note. He was hot and wearing like...Cold Mountain pajamas the entire time, but his super-boringness completely overrode all the goodwill his hotness and pajamas...garnered...when he first...came through. Like twenty minutes into the movie he started to not even be hot anymore. Like, his face started to look weird and his facial hair was embarrassing me. And sometimes the part in his hair was really off and I'd choose to focus my hatred and disgust on his post-production reshoots hair instead of any shockingly unimportant letters mashed together into words and gang-raped into sentences he had to say. Somethingsomething I'm a loner, Dottie. Somethingsomething A rebel. AND. What was up with his total reluctance and hesitation about going to rescue Ellen?? UM, HELLO! THIS BITCH WAS KIDNAPPED. No, seriously, why is everyone in the movie so fucking blasé about this horrifying shit? Willem Dafoe just rips through in the middle of Ellen's concert, SNATCHES HER RIGHT OFF THE STAGE, DRAGS HER BACK TO HIS RAPE LAIR, and everyone except for Cody's sister is like *shrug* What? And Cody only goes to save her when lil Harvey Weinstein pays him to do so. Yeah, real hero. Or is this that anti-hero thing I keep hearing about? ?....??.???? ??
And can we talk about Ellen and Cody's ~tru luv 4 ever~ romantical romancey romance??
Like, no one cares. They're so lame ugh. When they have their climaxy embrace in the rain.
I'm like
I'm sleepy like Cody
@ this shit. No one cares. It's very anticlimactic; I guess keeping in theme with this movie being anti-everything (anti heroes, anti inoffensive stereotypes, anti people who hate Bill Paxton, anti making a good movie, anti christ). AND THEN CODY JUST LEAVES THIS BITCH! They have wet sex and then he's all "I'm not carrying her fucking guitars" and says some crazy shit about how she'd be better off with Billy (you hate her, obviously), and leaves! But not before fake-weepily watching Ellen perform some song maybe about him on stage. Ugh, nice try, Michael Paré, attempting to poop out some tear drops. I hope you didn't strain anything. Except obviously I hope you did.
Should I do Ellen now? I.................................... This movie just really made me the whole time wish I was watching Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains. Ellen as a character, like basically all the characters, is shittily constructed. She's 1-D as fuck. She might actually be negative-dimensional. There's really no reason to care about her (or anyone). You know who I did care about? Two people: that fishnet stripper bitch I mentioned earlier (a goddess), and Raven, whose name people kept mentioning the whole movie and I kept forgetting who that was. So, Willem Dafoe. I just automatically love Willem Dafoe no matter what. He, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS MOVIE, does not have much to work with, but I got excited in my pants when he showed up. At first he was unrecognizable to me - (he turns up, like, screaming.
Similar to this^. It's very pterodactyl vampire.) Then once I realized it was Willem I was pleased in my body. He was very pasty and I got to see his teeth a lot. That's all I ever need from my Willem. So, thank you terrible movie, for at least doing that right.
Oh, also I loved Ed Begley Jr's random ass appearance.
Like, why was he covered in dirt??? I feel like I'm low-key into EBJ? I can't tell. I mean, definitely I'll always have affection for him because of Stan Sitwell. And also for other things? He sort of reminds me of a more albino, less-important Matthew Modine? Um, did I just say someone was less-important than Matthew Modine? (no shade, I love you Birdy!!!!)
Overall, if you couldn't tell, I super disliked this movie. I didn't like ~the style~; hated almost every character; was annoyed at typical eighties ~diversity casting~ (a doo-wop group?? One random Asian extra in Raven's gang?? Come on); wanted McCoy to stop being so obvious; wanted Billy to die, then got annoyed at the movie for bringing me down into its anti-Semitic web of (mostly) lies; got annoyed at how obvious reshoots scenes were, then hated myself for noticing, then hated the movie for making me hate myself - it was a mess, and Streets of Fire brought me down, man. Very not full tilt boogie, man. I honestly should've quit this shit the minute I saw those title cards talking about some SET IN ANOTHER TIME IN ANOTHER DIMENSION OR SOME SHIT WHICH, IN LAYMAN'S TERMS, MEANS WE DON'T HAVE TO TAKE ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR ALL THE MANY HORRIBLE MISTAKES WE'VE MADE. ALSO, SHYAMALAN, WE DID IT F1RST. ugh, no.
^me @ Streets of Fire
die.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Hey