This romantic comedy is different because the female lead gets an abortion and her man still wants her and also she's a comedian and like ~raw~ and ~exposed~~ and she's Jewish, too, and like, when has Reese Witherspoon ever been Jewish???
This movie felt like an answer to a question no one was asking. "Where's the millennial romcom?" Where's the movie for people born post-80s whose futures have been ruined by the generation preceding them and everything seems really bleak and super-depressing so lol fuck it drunk sex no condom, baby, living on the edge!! ? Hmm?? Where is that film?? I guess it's...here? This film? ...Thanks??
Watching this movie I could like see Gillian Robespierre writing it like, OMG THIS IS BRIDESMAIDS MUMBLECORE WOODY ALLEN MEETS SALLY. Like, really feeling herself. And it's actually not that bad of a film. For one: she has Gaby fucking Hoffmann my queen, and Gabe Liedman up in this bitch and I love them and they're both, respectively, horrifying and hilarious. This movie also has Jenny Slate whom I have been super-excited about since season 1 of Kroll Show and I just love seeing her in whatever, and she's great here and I love her nose. So, the cast is pretty tight. Do I need more minorities? Almost fucking always, but I'll ignore it. Just like with Girls, let's not act like these ppl chill with anyone not them-colored. So, the super white cast is pretty sweet! Wait, but how do I feel about Jake Lacy? Like, he was cool as the Jim replacement for what seemed like a planned The Office 2.0...and he was cool on Girls and he's...cool. But also, like Jenny describes him in the film, muy Xtian. Very, like, he drinks a whole glass of milk with his dinner. Like, he's nothing special. Well, no, that's rude. He's not my cup of tea. I incline more towards the Ezra Millers of the world, and Jake is like, not that. But ugh, if you're giving me like this bland boring white boy can you just hire like Dane DeHaan? He's a good actor and can act bland and boring even though he is not unlike Jake Lacy whom I don't even not like so why am I coming for him in this manner?? Idk, complaining makes me feel alive.
So I liked the cast! Check. The script was a little...mmm, idk, not as up to par. Firstly, I didn't buy Donna being all distraught over her dude breaking up with her? Granted, I have no experience with this relationship nonsense, so idk wtf it's like to have your heart broken, but...like, her dude just seemed whack. I felt like...we should've seen more of him? And they didn't even show the girl he left Donna for, which was her friend. Idk, like their lack of screentime made me not identify with or care about Donna like being all crushed over him. Like when she's stalking him outside his house all I could do was be like "oh, no, girl". I didn't get why she was there, or why one would...stalk their ex, or want to see him walking around with the bitch he cheated on you with. I just felt vaguely uncomfortable for her, and worried about her lack of a coat, as it looked pretty cold. Also she tossed that cup of coffee and it just does not seem realistic at all that someone would just toss an entire cup of coffee like that. It's just not authentic at all.
Another prob I had was just Jake Lacy's character entirely. Well not him, so much as...his placement in the movie and Donna's life. Like 1. Why was he so interested in her at the beginning? She's cute, so it makes sense from that standpoint, but she was also being crazy sloppy, and was obviously very drunk and having some "issues". Why was he so into it? Was he just like "This looks like an easy lay"? Because that makes my opinion of his mostly cool character go down. And he's just like plying her with more and more booze and it's like okaaaay. Then later he shows up at her bookstore job like HI :D!!!!!! when their situation was clearly a one night stand sort of deal?????? Like, I didn't really get him. And also I was uncomfortable with the fact that he sort of comes in to heal Jenny, in a way. It's like as soon as she's dumped oh here's this white knight riding in on his horse made of frat boy boat shoes and peacoats I guess they sell at The Gap? Like, why couldn't this movie be about...a woman ~finding herself~ like by herself? Or was that not what it was? Or was this a finding yourself movie but maybe you don't have to do it alone but ugh did it really have to be like so romcommy??? Like why is this a romantic film - I don't want it to be. She's going through all this shit and then it's like BUT LOL MOST IMPORTANTLY: BOYFRIEND! It's what makes me uncomfortable a lot of times about Girls. But ugh at least in this movie it's not Jenny being all "I need to sign up to Tinder to forget all my troubles and worries and that abortion I have to get on Valentine's Day ahah!" Jake sort of just happens and she, like for a good chunk of the movie, sort of doesn't even want him to be?
Also, eyeroll @ a Valentine's Day abortion. Just stop it. But let's talk about Jenny in that scene when she schedules the procedure because that killed me!
Her little face was ruining my soul. I was ALMOST getting into my feelings lol. Like my eyeballs were getting irritated but that's likely because I spend so much time staring at a screen and the lasery computer lights are like deteriorating my eyeballs and it's like I already have myopia and astigmatism - what am I doing??? Smh I should eat more carrots or something but ugh they are soo hard and not in a good way ;) if u know what i mean ;) Like, they're not a frozen candy bar is what I mean. Hard in a good way like that.
Also, that abortion scheduling scene made me think of the one in Nymphomaniac: Vol. 2, though not sure why. I guess because they were sort of seated in the same position lol? And in Nympho, the abortion scheduler bitch tells Joe she has to get evaluated or something first before she can get her abortion, but they don't say that to Jenny, right? She's just like I want to buy an abortion! And the lady is like "lol Valentine's Day?" I think the real abortion romantic comedy was Nymphomaniac: Vol.1 & 2 Director's Cut and that's why my brain reminded me of that scene while watching the movie. Like Gillian Robespierre tried, but she's no Lars, unfortunately, said no one ever.
Yes, my queen, please never stop going off. I wish Gaby would be mainstreamed. Like I want to see her in some shitty Michael Bay films, or some bland Steven Spielberg dreck making everyone know her name and get all itchy and antsy about her in the youtube comments section. This is what truly needs to happen. This indie shit is over because they don't even give you enough lines and screentime so at least go be in the next James Bond movie and make everyone uncomfortable for five minutes and collect them million dollar checks thank yooouuuuu thanks. CAN YOU IMAGINE THIS MOVIE WITH GABY AS THE LEAD, NO OFFENSE, BUT IT WOULD'VE BEEN SOOO MUCH BETTER. She would have fucking eaten Jake Lacy, and that's just the sort of entertainment I seek.
Remember when Donna told Jake she was pregnant in her standup and he was like
1st, Donna's stand-up was...like funny sometimes, but horrifying and cringe-worthy, all the other times. I just got finished watching this Funny Girls docuseries mess on Oxygen about these female stand-ups living in L.A. and seriously like all of the white girls on that shit were exactly like Donna is in this, having like breakdowns on stage that are mostly non-funny and super-cringey but when they were able to work it out (get their head out of their ass), eventually it became funny...ish. Funnyish because the only really funny chick on that show was that fat black bitch and now I need an abortion romcom with a fat black bitch and please do not cast Martin Lawrence in his Big Momma's House fat suit. I...I can't believe those Big Momma's House movies exist omg.
What was I--right, when Donna had told Whatever his name is about being pregnant. On stage, in her stand-up. That is...uncool, but okay. Also, I agree with Gaby that he didn't like deserve to know, she didn't owe him anything. Like, she's getting an abortion, what does it matter if he knows about the pregnancy or not? Like why did Donna feel like she had to tell him? I don't think I would? But obvi it depends on the guy. I think...I definitely wouldn't tell Jake, especially after he was talking about becoming a grandfather someday - um, awkward.
So, natch, he leaves during her set because why wouldn't he??? But the next day when Donna's getting ready to go to the clinic, ol' milk teeth shows up with a fucking bouquet of flowers like "Lol Happy Abortion Valentine's Day, future grandmother of my hopefully not aborted grandchildren!!!!"
Okay, Gillian Robespierre, okaaaaay (I just like saying your last name in my head when I type that's all this is about you've made a mostly fine film 73% goodish job).
Can we talk about that nurse at the abortion clinic
? Like, "Aw, you're here to get an abortion. This is where you're at in life - no judging lol awwww. Praise the Lord, aww you sweet little thing you piece of shit hallelujah I will have a tuna salad for lunch. Shit I forgot to turn the iron off." There was a lot going on in her face, and absolutely none of it seemed appropriate. True star of this film? She's like the only black one, so, by default, yes.
The movie ends with Donna over at Milquetoast's place and they're chillin' on the couch and she's sippin' post-abortion tea and he's like "lol u wanna watch Gone with the Wind" and Donna is like "yeah but it's like 10 hours" (I wish) and then Cornmeal Face is like, "Do you have somewhere to be?" Lol cuz she just got that abortion but also because Donna has no plans in general due to being a loser. They proceed to watch Gone with the Wind, and like, I guess that's cute, and it's totally my fantasy to have anyone want to watch the entirety of that movie with me--actually, no. Because if you talk one time, if you make one comment throughout the whole four hours about anything I will lose my shit and this is why this movie didn't really resonate with me like I can't stand to be in a room with a person for five minutes how do you stand to get accidentally knocked up by one and then like keep hanging out with that person after that and ugh he brought you flowers jesus wtf am I supposed to do--where do I put these?! I don't have a vase! (I say vayse, not vahz. Vahz is douchey and pretentious ugh but vayse sounds so Wal-Mart no fuck that I'm switching to vahz. Douchey and pretentious is way more my speed).
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