The Bling Ring (2013)

This movie is dumb, but that's the point, right? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Could there have been a way to make a movie about these idiots, that wasn't idiotic? Like could there have been a The Social Networky version of this story? lol prob not. The Social Network was about a bunch of smart dweebs from fucking Harvard, The Bling Ring is about a bunch of vacuous teens from Cali robbing equally as vacuous celebrities from also there. Like, really, Miranda Kerr was your get? More offensively, Orlando Bloom's house?? And like, the supreme celeb's shit Queen Bee Rebecca really wanted to gain access to was Lindsay Lohan's. Look, I'm a fan of Lindsay. Like how I'm a fan of like Robert Durst's court appearances, you know??? It's not for any good, respectable reasons. Certainly I wouldn't like anybody to know about it lol, and certainly I wouldn't want to ransack their house to steal their skidmarked two thousand dollar pair of Hermès scarf thongs or whatever the fuck. So, yeah, this movie was always gonna be real dumb. 

I'm confused--no, not really. I'm not really confused why Sofia Coppola would make this, it's right up her wheelhouse - vapid rich people leading empty vapid rich people lives. That's her modus operandi, for the most part, and...I'm a fan...ish. An unashamed sort of fan of her work. I, for some reason, really loved Marie Antoinette and Somewhere, and almost very much enjoyed Lost in Translation. The Virgin Suicides is a good film. Like, I get excited for new Sofia shit. Mmm, however, I feel she made a misstep here, taking this story on. It's like too obvious for her, and also I feel this type of dumb story should be made by someone like Gregg Araki or some shit who could give it that nice trash gleam this story really needs. Sofia was tryna Spring Breakers this shit and she failed. I would really love like a John Waters version of this movie, though, that too may be way obvious? But if he made all the teens really horrible and ugly and like stunt-cast Lindsay Lohan as one of the teens robbing Lindsay Lohan's house - PLEASE THAT'S AMAZING. Sigh I'm annoyed that doesn't exist. 

Can we talk about Sofia's ~stunt casting~

I guffawed when K Dunst showed up. I was like "lol, Sofia, you jokester". And then Paris Hilton showed up and I was like "Okay, enough." Like, Sofia. Why the fuck you aint get Lindsay? Do you not have her number? Were you not tryna deal with that? Idk, like you had those news clips of her walking to different court appearances lol, and those were great. Lowkey they were the best thing about this movie?? Imagine if...you had actually gotten real-life actual Lilo to be in the film! Though maybe that would be overkill?? What would she even do?? Come shrieking out of the house like Baby Jane, waving a life-size doll of Tyra Banks from Life-Size at Rebecca & co.? I MEAN, if you were really worth your salt, 100% you would have included that in the film, even though this shit is based on a true story and I guess Lindsay wasn't home when they robbed her?? Or at least she was passed out from various substance abuse! Which, sigh, would have prevented her from attacking her robbers with a life-size doll of Tyra Banks from Life-Size. Wow, I really hope that exists. 

I really hated most of the crew. The ~*~band of thieves~*~. Like, one, Emma Watson as Nicki was so woefully miscast like wtf was even happening here. First of all, she sounded posh as shit. I've seen that real-life version of Nicki on TV before and she's gutter trash, and nothing Emma Watson could ever do will make her trashy. Like, her terrible extensions in the film looked like rejected transplants, but they still didn't make her look trashy. She was so Brit and upper-crust lol. Like, the only thing trash here was her fucking accent. GARBÁGE, for real. That ~*~AMerKKKin aCceNt~*~ made me cringe. So bad what the heck. Taissa, per ush, was mostly useless. I guess she comes from the Kstew school of I'll just constantly run my fingers through my hair to distract from my lack of everything. That should work! 50% of the time it does, so, I guess...keep it up??? Marc was annoying. I hated his scarves and fedoras, like, please. And when he was talking to the interviewer about how he said he never felt ugly, but he, like, never felt A-List, you know?? Lol what is self-awareness, like???? I was even more annoyed when the interviewer bitch was all ":) You're not ugly." THIRSTY! And this lil chicken nugget head ass loser is talking to you about robbing people's homes. You're sitting over there like "aw ur a qt pie, don't feel self-conscious :33" like, PLEASE! I can't remember if I read the piece this movie was based on in Vanity Fair, but if I did, I'm certain I vomited? Like omg. Unless she omitted being like "aw no, you're so fuckable, Marc! Marc Jacobs?! Fuckable by Marc Jacobs!!" 

Two hoes of the crew that I sort of loved were Rebecca and Chloe. Actually, I just full-on, straight-up adored Rebecca, and tried to take a bunch of pics of her to capture her beauty 

but none of them truly captured her essence. Like, you can tell she's gorg, but you can't tell she's a sociopath slash expert manipulator who smuggles stolen goods across state lines like that's just some shit you do. 

DOES THIS PIC CAPTURE THAT? I screamed when she told the cops she had nothing to do with any of the robberies, then immediately folded when they found naked pics of P. Hilt in her house. Rebecca is a goddess, idc. I was totally here for her the entire movie, and omg, so glad that Emma/Nicki wasn't the ~lead~, which is what I thought she was, and I became immediately despondent, struggling with the thought of having to sit through an entire film with her saying most of the lines in that horrendous accent and that terrible hair. But no! The star was Katie Chang and thank god. Actually, maybe she shared star-time with Israel Broussard? No, I've blocked Marc from my memory. Rebecca was the star. Marc was, like, her assistant, come on. 

Chloe was the worst, with her rapping in the car and that husky ass voice. And by worst I mean, second best to Rebecca. Had Rebecca been killed off by a surprise Lilo attack, Chloe would have been my favorite. She was so annoying and horrible, akin to a Bijou Phillips appearance in some terrible, depressing indie from the nineties. Bijou is definitely someone to model yourself after, so keep it up, girl who played Chloe.

lol never forget the cops rolling up to Chloe's house and her just sitting in the kitchen eating her cereal, waiting. She had this lowkey "oh shit" face on while her detached parents were in the background like "What is that...??" A beautiful moment. And I also loved her after they were sentenced. Her walk out of the courtroom was very much a look. Compare hers to Nicki's, who was a groveling sobbing mess. Um, I really can't believe I called Chloe annoying when Nicki exists. Nicki is the worst and Chloe is the second best. I can't believe I ever talked bad about you, my second queen. Wait, lowkey: did I like this movie? Sigh, so predictable. 

I sort of loved the interview at the end. It was embarrassing, but also so real. Like, such a real tabloid-y entertainment tonight sort of thing. I loved how they clearly only had Nicki on the show to ask about Lindsay Lohan. I love how Nicki was in the same jail as Lindsay. Did that actually happen with the real-life chick Nicki is based off? Cuz lol. That is so tragic on so many levels, and I can't tell for whom more. The interviewer guy asks about Lindsay crying in her cell (how did he get that info?) and Nicki's all "Yeah she was crying! I heard her!" and then lapses into some thing about how Lilo got to keep her clip-ons, but the other girls didn't--Oh. Now...now I see why maybe Lindsay wasn't in this film lol. Is it possible...that Lindsay turned Sofia down? lol no, Sofia prob just didn't ask. But I'm wondering how she got Paris? Like, the girls make comments about Paris' naked photos and gag at some unseen shit in one of her duffle bags. Did Paris read the script before signing onto this lol? Prob not. She was prob all "Sofia Coppola!! xxoo!!" But, like, wouldn't Lindsay have been the same way?? No, straight-up Sofia just didn't ask her to be in it lol I'm salty as hell what a huge missed opportunity to make this movie much worse than it already is.