The Wasp Woman (1959)

The movie starts out at an apiary. Right away, I'm like, okay, but what does this have to do with wasps? The film is called The Wasp Woman, as far as I know, so why are we talking about bees??? Somehow, is this film under the impression that wasps and bees are interchangeable? So, know that I went into this movie with an attitude. Because why am I already finding some shit to bitch about 1.3 milliseconds in??

I actually knew this movie would be bad. It's an insect-focused horror B-movie from the fifties, based in the beauty industry. Is that not the plot of Catwoman (2004)? Except, replace insects with cats? Bad or worser?? Tbh, I have no idea. This movie is a true failure on every level - and yet - is it somehow not as bad as Catwoman (2004)????

HOW?!

So the beginning of the movie at the apiary goes on for way too long. It's super-boring and tedious and there's, like, bee-talk, and every few seconds I shouted into the void "THIS MOVIE IS CALLED THE WASP WOMAN, THOUGH!!" 

There's some talk about royal jelly, and I'm guessing the apiary belongs to a cosmetics or health company. Some guy, I guess from the company, pops by to do some inspector shit. He, like me, has an attitude right from the jump. He's salty af. I want to be into it, but mostly I'm annoyed at his over-the-top 1950s tuff guy stage acting. He spots some wasps flying about the apiary and is all shouting to the nosebleed seats "WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS??!" Some snitch beekeeper is like, "Oh, prob Zinthrop. He's a wacko!" 

Yo, real quick I just went on imdb to look up some shit for the movie and I ended up on Susan Cabot's imdb page - it's lit. Like, it's wild over there please visit. Lol this was her final movie. No I shouldn't be laughing like she died from a homicide. In 1986...so like...I doubt it had anything to do with... Like I'm sure this was her final movie due to how incredibly fucking terrible it was and it prob got her blackwasplisted from Hollywood and omg just please go on her imdb page like that's what life is all afuckingbout!!

So anyway sigh. The inspector dude huffily storms up to confront Zinthrop in his creepy little bee person work area. "¿WASPS?" Inspector Dude is like @ Zinthrop. 

Zinthrop is old and ~eccentric~ and he has some vague foreign accent. German? Swiss? Just know he's weird. He explains to Inspector Dude that he's experimenting with wasps, using their kidneys or whatever to create a serum that reverses aging. Hmm. Look, essentially Zinthrop explains he created some shit that'll do a Benjamin Button on you. He shows the inspector two dogs. A puppy and a not-puppy. Zinthrop is like, "What would you call these dogs??" The inspector is like, "A big dog and a small dog." A pug is a "small dog". I don't know d/og breeds, because I don't care, but it was like a pitbull-type of dog?? I guess? With what appeared to be its child - a puppy. lol, I don't know why it bothered me so much that he said "small dog", but it did. No one would ever say that. Anyway, turns out, Zinthrop fed the "small dog" his weird wasp juice. It's not just a "small dog", its age has reversed! Can we talk about how the dogs are chained up in some small cage? No. Let's talk about how this wasp potion shit sounds like a really bad and dumb idea. Why...would anyone want to physically reverse in--I think the potion only changes your age cosmetically, not, like, biologically?? So the "small dog" hasn't gone back years on his lifespan, just, like, physically his body did?? But wouldn't an adult dog feel awkward about turning back into a puppy even though it's still old? Like it has all this old dog wisdom, but it's walking around in this baby dog body, not even capable of applying his years of knowledge. Am I worrying way too much about these test animals? Yes. #revloncosmetics 

Anyway, Inspector Dude fires Zinthrop. He like verbally pats him on the back, "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll fit in somewhere!" This dude is one thousand, like, if he hasn't found his crew by now...

Setting change to [Insert Urban Jungle Metropolis Sky Scraper Buildings BUSY BUSINESS]. A woman, sort of dowdy, and librariany, wearing fucking glasses looking like they were made specifically for reading the tiny print on old people prescription bottles, is giving a presentation in a boardroom meeting thing. She's pointing to some graphs and shit like, "Sales have fucking gone down." Some dude interrupts like, "Excuse me, Ms. Stalin, but I actually think the failure of this company is your fault!" 

Couple of things:

1. I had no idea that the woman giving the presentation was the head of the fucking company. So when the dude interrupts to start roasting her, I got excited, like "oop! call-out!" 

2. I thought this bitch's last name was Stalin. Imdb tells me it's Starlin, though. But that's not what them niggas was sayin' - don't play me! 

When I realized Janice Stalin was the head of the company, I became enraged for at least one million different reasons. One was that Bill had the audacity to get up in the middle of his boss, and the head of the fucking company's presentation, to be like "LOL BUT YOU SUCK, THO!" In what fucking world would he have not been immediately fired if Janice was a dude? Instead her response was, "Yeah, u right. Tru, tru." Like, apparently sales for the company went down when Janice replaced herself as the face of the company, with a new model. Bill says how people were used to Janice's face representing the brand, that they trust it. They don't know the new girl, hence the drop in product moving. That makes sense, but... I'm sure Bill's job is not to criticize his boss' moves, but make them work?? Um, okay, the public is not receptive to the new face - so, like, make them be? How is he being helpful being like, "This thing you did? Lol it's not working, honeyyyyyy!" Not even offering up any solutions, but only trying to prove he's smarter or something. He's a fucking douche and I hate him. Like the other guy, Arthur, calls Bill a "hotshot" later, making some comment like "Go celebrate your victory". Over what?! He didn't help in any way! He just smugly roasted his boss in front of his peers, and then smugly sat the fuck back down, and that's it! omg this shit was so sexist - why do I keep watching old timey movies lol like all of them are sexist?? Sigh, but I love them. Ugh whatever

AND LET'S TALK ABOUT why Janice removed herself as the face of her own fucking company. She's *Jamie Lee Curtis possessed by Lindsay Lohan voice* old. She's like the crypt-keeper. Janice is all, "I can't be a glamour girl forever." Shut up, bitch. Old hoes are the face of shit everywhere. I see Ellen's ass hawking L'Oreal or one of them similar shits. Diane Keaton and her pedophile-supporting chinos out here doin' it big. And Oprah. A mogul such as yourself, Janice, whose fucking face is on every. single. fucking. one. of her magazines. Every one, bitch! Whatchu mean you can't be a glamour girl forever? Have you seen old hoes such as Sophia Loren or Cicely Tyson?? Those bitches are in their eighties absolutely shitting on everyone's lives - still. And Janice is what in this movie - 40? 41? PLEASE!

lol, I liked how shortly after she implied she was no longer attractive enough to be the face of the company, she was lighting up a cig. I was so full of glee inside myself to comment aloud into the void "Well, those cigarettes can't be helping." #antismokingblog

I'm guessing Arthur is a scientist/chemist? Because Janice asks his opinion on wasp royal jelly. Does that exist in real life or just in this movie? I'll bing.com it later. But anyway, Janice has heard some things and wants the resident scientist douche to tell her if it's any use looking into. Arthur is just like, "Forget it, toots." He, akin to Bill, is also a piece of shit. He's like smugly toking on a pipe while talking to her. Who smokes a pipe? What a dinglehead. Also, I doubt Arthur even knows what the fuck wasp royal jelly is. He probably just immediately debunks it because he hears wasp. Welp, I feel ya there, buddy. 

Shortly after Arthur does an "lol, you simple bitch" in Janice's face, our boy Zinthrop comes through the building. Apparently he's written Janice about his weird experiments. Janice is all rude immediately, like, "That shit you said better be true." Zinthrop promises he has tangible results, and takes Janice to the lab to show her his weird Benjamin Button trick. He injects some big ass rat thing with the wasp juice, and it turns into a little mouse thing right before Janice's old, aging eyes. She goes from "I can't believe it" to "I'll be your next test subject - inject me now" real fucking quick. 

So everyone at the comp is suspicious of Zinthrop's presence. I think it's because he's the only one employed there who actually does any work. Like, what does Bill do? Except for smugly walking aimlessly about the office, flirting with the secretary, and being all up in Janice's fucking business?? What does Arthur do? Why is he never in the lab if he's a scientist slash chemist guy?? Why does Janice have to hire someone else to do the shit he's supposed to be doing?? Like, doesn't Zinthrop getting hired automatically make Arthur redundant? I guess I can see why he's salty. Why is Mary concerned? You're the secretary, bitch. Answer the phone and that's it! Job fulfilled, like, why are you digging through Janice's drawers and phoning up Bill to tell him all her fucking business? What are you doing? The opposite of secretarial work - I know that much. 

Wow, everyone is super hateable in this movie, except for Maureen from Brooklyn. Can Maureen have her own movie and that replaces this one? Like can I get an edit of The Wasp Woman that's just an endless loop of Maureen complaining about her boyfriend watching too much TV? Thank you, that'd be great! Like, delete this movie 100%. Burn the negatives, fam, there's no reason it needs to still exist. Liiiiiiiiiiiiiike...the wasp serum shit ends up working on Janice. She starts to look ~younger~, more ~*~beautiful~*~. But the wasp juice isn't working fast enough. Zinthrop is all like, "Dum dum, lab rats are smaller than humans. Hello, duhhhh!" Janice is like, "Right." Fast-forward to her taking more doses of the wasp juice without Zinthrop's knowledge. Fast-forward to Maureen looking at ~a new, younger, fresher-looking~~~ version of Janice like, "Who is this bitch? Does she have a work ID like...who let this stranger bitch in the building??" Like, she no longer looks like the national face of Old Maids anymore, I guess?? Except, Janice lowkey still looked the same?? lol she asks Mary "HOW OLD DO I LOOK?" And Mary cringe-awkwardly lies through her teeth "........23?" Lol this bitch don't look no 23. They made her hair look slightly less Emily Dickinsonish and took those ugly ass pharmacy reading glasses off, which improved her appearance. But it's like, what am I fucking watching - She's All That??? Unfortunately, no, I am fucking not. 

Fast-forward to Zinthrop getting attacked in the lab by Catwoman (2004).

WHAT THE FUCKIS THHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT?!! I fucking criiiied this movie is soooooo stuuuuuuuupppiiddd. lol omgggggg. Yo. 

And you know what is the most horrible thing? Worse than the Holocaust, 9/11, when Aaliyah died, Reunion getting cancelled before the mystery was solved, and the McRib not being available year-round? That shit is supposed to be a wasp. IN. WHAT. FUCKING. WORLD. IS. 

THIS^. MEANT TO RESEMBLE, IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM, A FUCKING. WASP???? Huh?!

That shit looks like a burnt ant. Or a burnt cat. In what world is a cat ever even remotely a little bit taking after a wasp??? Hmmm??? I'm screaming, this movie couldn't be more not good. 

Fast-forward to niggas disappearing and Zinthrop trying to kill himself by throwing himself into traffic. Fast-forward to Janice paying all expenses for his medical treatment and being super-worried for him solely so he'll heal from his injuries, regain his conveniently lost memory, and get back to fucking work. Fast-forward to Zinthrop not regaining memory until the very last moment when Janice is transforming into that charred termite and eating Mary?? Why...why when Janice turns into a wasp does she have the characteristics of a vampire? Neck-biting? Um, okay. Why doesn't she have a stinger? And how come Janice's whole body doesn't transform into a wasp? Like her neck stays human?? We can see her necklace and everything... 

(?????) Why is the costume so cheap? I'm appalled. Like the most important thing about this movie is ~*~The Wasp Woman~*~, right? WRONG. It's Maureen. I'm glad she didn't die. 0 stars!